BY now you are doubtless wondering what happened to Charley Uchea (and Scratchier).

Charley was the Big Brother gusset evicted with 85.6 per cent of the popular vote. While not in the league of Saddam Hussein’s 100% support, it nonetheless marks Charley out as a force to be reckoned with.

Charley has been selfless in her commitment to our entertainment, gamely playing the part of the black Jade Goody.

What a coup it was that Big Brother should conjure such a creature. The black Jade Goody would stick a blow for equality, proving that bitchiness and nastiness know no colour bar.

Now Charley is sat before the OK! interview board. Will she be able to go the final yard and be the new Jade? OK! says Charley is “smiling nervously”. She is looking “shell-shocked as though she has been crying for some time”.

We wish her ever success with this look. Carving a career out of rowing and foul-mouthed rage is OK if you are a footballer; but Charley only knows footballers and needs more if she is to achieve a lasting fame.

Charley needs to be fancied. She says Ziggy liked her. He was always staring at her. Liam was staring at her. Brian gave her a massage. She used to catch Pauline looking at her.

When stared at, many of us worry. We wonder if there’s a piece of sweet corn attached to our nasal hair, if we are about to be beaten to a bloody pulp by the goggle-eyed maniac or set to become the victim of a case of mistaken identity as an elderly voice shouts: “That’s him! That’s Aled Jones!”

Charley sees only eyes filled with lust and admiration. And a reflection of herself…

Posted: 1st, August 2007 | In: Uncategorized. Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0