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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph
We’re Not Going On An Olympic Holiday
ALL change. The No. 16 to Beijing will not be stopping at Beijing.
Proposals to send a red double-decker bus by road from London to China, to coincide with the Olympics, have been dropped after critics derided the idea as a gimmick and a waste of almost half a million pounds…
Taxpayers will still pay more than half the bill for the project, lauded by Ken Livingstone, because of the expense incurred in planning the journey and hiring bus drivers.
The move comes as Boris Johnson, the new Mayor of London, launches an Olympics cost-cutting drive and says that as few officials as possible would be attending the Games.
Mr Livingstone claimed that the Beijing trip would highlight London’s public transport system to the world, via one of its most recognisable symbols, and help to forge ties with China.
It was cancelled last week by London 2012 organisers and Transport for London (TfL), which funded the journey, in the wake of the earthquake in Sichuan province.
The trip, which was to be undertaken by eight drivers at a cost of £450,000, was considered to be unsafe and in bad taste, given the scale of the disaster. However, given that Mr Johnson had denounced it during the election campaign as a publicity stunt and a “ludicrous waste of public money”, the decision was regarded by his aides as a “happy coincidence”.
A spokesman for Mr Johnson said: “He was already very sceptical about it and in need of persuading, but TfL and the Olympics board reflected on the earthquake and decided to pull it anyway.”
Mr Johnson scrapped another facet of Mr Livingstone’s legacy when he axed a controversial tie-up with Venezuela, and half-price bus and tram travel for some of the capital’s least well-off. Mr Livingstone signed a deal with the South American nation’s state-owned oil company last year, agreeing to provide transport advice in return for a 20 per cent cut in TfL’s bus fuel bill.
The savings were used to offer discount fares to around 250,000 people on income support.
At the launch of his successful campaign to oust the two-term Labour Mayor, Mr Johnson called the deal with Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez “completely Caracas”.
No room up top – although it’s empty…
Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment
Liverpool Daily Post Celebrates Big Night Of Football
WORDSDEPARTMENT spots something in the The Liverpool Daily Post:
EVERTON youngsters are celebrating a fine tournament success after winning the under-13s girls Premier League Schools Tournament…
“In fairness, they did mention the Champion’s League final in passing. It was part of a story about a £1.5m cash bonus for Everton thanks to the fine print in Wayne Rooney’s transfer deal to Man United in 2004.”
Calm down…
Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Alex Ferguson Loves Coleen
“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.
He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.
A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?
Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
The Purple Emporor: Fergie Loves Coleen McLoughlin
“FERGIE: I LOVE COLEEN,” says the Sun’s front page, and we see a picture of the puce Alex Ferguson and another of Wayne Rooney’s lover Coleen McLoughlin.
He much prefers Wayne and Coleen because they are “a different class”.
A different class to what, the rest of mankind? Has Fergie been studying biology, in which case it’s different classification, rather then class?
Over in the Sun, Coleen and Wayne are making preparations for their marriage.
Fifty guests at an Italian clifftop abbey — “visible only from the sea”, and in OK! — will each be given a hand-made box tied with a ribbon and containing a live butterfly.
On the command “f*** off you Portuguese w*anker” guests will then open their containers and watch the creatures flutter away.
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Posted: 26th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Who Bares Sins: SAS Action With Tania Zaetta, Andy McNab And John Terry
TANIA Zaetta is, says the Sun, best known in Australia for hosting her daredevil action girl show Who Dares Wins.
In papers released by the Australian MoD, four members of that country’s special forces claim to have bedded Tania on her moral boosting trip to Afghanistan – “and had photos and video to prove it”.
Ms Zaetta denies all claims.
In such moments it is customary for the Sun to summon its shadowy Defence Expert Andy McNab and hear what visiting celebs and glamour models can and cannot do in the battle zone.
But McNab is otherwise employed, dispatched on a mission to answer the question:
“FOOTBALL hardman John Terry blubbed like a baby after his scuffed spot-kick helped lose Chelsea the Champions League trophy in a nail-biting shootout. But is it ever okay for sportsmen to cry?”
McNab, who last cried when he wanted to test if the canoe he’d fashion from a hollowed out Iraqi was seaworthy says:
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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Cristiano Ronaldo Puts End To Manchester United Speculation
CRISTIANO Ronaldo, Manchester United’s winger who before an appearance on Celebrity Come Dancing – he’s but a step over from a cha-cha-cha – will play for Real Madrid. Or not.
Daily Mirror: Cristiano Ronaldo pledges to stay at Manchester United
Daily Telegraph: “Cristiano Ronaldo happy to keep options open
Daily Star: RONALDO MAKES ‘NO PROMISES’ ON FUTURE
Guardian: “I will decide next week whether I stay or go, says unsteady Ronaldo
The Sun:” The
And many, many more…
Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (11)
Paul Gascoigne’s £10,000 French Stick
RISING commodity prices and now the news that Paul Gascoigne has bought a loaf of bread for £10,000.
Gascoigne is said to be “starving”. He is also said to be “tragic”, “bleary-eyed”, “tortured”, “gaunt” and “stumbling”.
But above all else he is hungry (surely “a genius” – Ed). As the Star says: “The football legend tried to cash a cheque for £10,000 to buy food at an all-night shop.”
Geordies already working out the number of kebabs and polystyrene pots of curry sauce ten grand can get you by the Bigg Market should know that their sacred son was in the West End of London.
Says the Star: “Confused Gazza, who made the cheque out to himself, claimed his cash card had been stolen. The shopkeeper took pity on the ex-England ace and gave him a French bread stick.”
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Posted: 23rd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jordan To Compete In 2012 Olympics
IT’S the 2012 Olympic Games and the rider enters the arena. No more than 23 seconds later the horse she is sat upon emerges.
“Katie Andre-Price-Jordan-Rooney-Windsor riding Dana,” comes the announcer’s brogue.
Dana is dressed for the occasion in a pink cowboy hat, Swarovski-encrusted bikini and white leather boots.
News in the Sun is that pop acorn Peter Andre has bought Kaite a horse, and that she plans to ride it in the Olympic dressage.
Says a pal: “Katie loves training and riding her horses but wants to take it a step further. It’s her dream to compete in a dressage competition at the Olympics.”
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Posted: 22nd, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Arsenal Calling: Ashley Cole Fails To Win Champions’ League
ARSENAL calling. Arsenal calling. Come in, Ashley Cole. Come in, Ashley Cole…
Cheryl Cole… Aimee Walton…Brooke Healy…
Your boy took one hell of a beating…
Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment
The wOmen Of The Mosely Nazi Orgy
ALL the women from the Max Mosley Nazi Orgy…
Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comment
Arsenal Fans Wish Ashley Cole Best Of Luck
“MADMAN Claude Makelele handed Chelsea a huge Champions League scare when his two-footed lunge left Ashley Cole crocked last night,” notes the Sun.
England left-back Cole was treated for 15 minutes by medical staff during a training session in the Luzhniki Stadium…Cole, 27, tried to carry on training but quickly pulled up again.
Missing the final would be a cruel blow for Cole.
Arsenal fans keen to wish Ashley all the best can so hereunder…
Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
The Best TV Football Chant Ever
CHELSEA and Manchester United fans flocking into Red Square may be wondering what they should be singing.
The Surrey Blues may enthuse about vegetables and the Cockney Reds about doing the Lambeth Walk, but they should know that the top tune on the football terraces is Nessun Dorma.
The Performing Right Society survey of radio and telly found that Luciano (“You fat bastard”) Pavarotti’s performance of the aria is the most widely-played football song.
Arsenal’s 1998 FA Cup Final song Hot Stuff was No2 ahead of DJ Otzi’s 2002 World Cup remix Hey Baby.
Fans may well scratch their heads. Anorak’s own survey of televised football matches, songs heard on live broadcasts, reveals that the top football songs are:
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Posted: 21st, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Joey Barton Sentenced To Six Months Jail
PREMIERSHIP footballer Joey Barton has been jailed for six months after admitting assault and affray.
Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (4)
Down In The Dumps: Portsmouth’s Glen Johnson Medal Stolen
TWO Portsmouth footballers have had their FA Cup winners’ medals stolen.
One is Jamie Ashdown, the other Glen Johnson, who is “devastated” and, as the Sun says, “gutted”.
Says Johnson: “It is something you want to treasure for your whole life and show your kids and grandkids.
This is Portsmouth full-back Glen Johnson, who in 2007 entered a B&Q in Dartford, Kent, and was caught trying to steal bathroom fittings.
Johnson was spotted by a security guard secreting a toilet seat into a box with a cheaper price tag. Aided by Millwall striker Ben May, he also hid a set of taps underneath a sink at the checkout to avoid paying for them.
The player, once heralded as a future player, and had been bought by Chelsea for £7million, was, reportedly, caught by a 74-year-old security guard. The events offered insight into his mental and physical condition.
Johnson was dined £80. And he explained:
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Posted: 20th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Double Amputee Oscar Pistorius Can Run In The Olympics
DOUBLE-amputee sprinter Oscar Pistorius has won his appeal Friday and can compete for a place in the Beijing Olympics.
The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled that the 21-year-old South African is eligible to race against able-bodied athletes, overturning a ban imposed by the International Association of Athletics Federations.
CAS said the unanimous ruling goes into effect immediately.
“I am ecstatic,” Pistorius told reporters in Milan, Italy. “When I found out, I cried. It is a battle that has been going on for far too long. It’s a great day for sport. I think this day is going to go down in history for the equality of disabled people.”
Pistorius should compete. And other athletes should go hard on him. Going easy on the South African would be a violation of the sporting ethos: to do your best.
Why not let him run?
And if he wins Olympic Gold? Well, the naysayers who bemoan his “advantage” will worry at the possibilty of other athletes chopping off their limps to win?
No bother. Let them. Athletes already deform their bodies – with drugs…
Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages | Comments (26)
FA Cup Final Preview: Meet The Players
IT’S the FA Cup final tomorrow, and Portsmouth are taking on Cardiff City.
Just time, then, to introduce you to some of the names you may be less than familiar with.
The Sun kicks off with Sulley Muntari, the Portsmouth striker.
Muntari signed for Portsmouth from Italian club Udinese for £7million in 2007. He is dating Miss Universe 2004 agonist Menaye Donkor.
And he has been sleeping with Amanda Jones, who he met at a lap-dance club in sunny Bournemouth.
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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Football Focus Jihad: Rangers And The Suicide Bombers
“DESPICABLE,” says the Mirror. “A pack of drunken football fans hunts down and batters a cop. Once again our national game is left lying in the gutter.”
Turns out the Independent got it wrong, although let us not be hasty and rule out the chance that the Rangers fans were intimidating the smaller Russian contingent and so preventing more mayhem.
While the Mirror salivates over the “carnage”, we wonder how much worse it could have been? And we learn in the Sun of Ibrahim Savant who, allegedly, produced a martyrdom suicide video and labelled it “Football Focus”.
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Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
No Drinking In Moscow For Manchester United And Chelsea Fans
CHELSEA and Manchester United fans listen: there’s no alcohol in Moscow:
Russia’s minister of sport has promised an unprecedented police presence, a ban on public drinking and the absence of outdoor TV screens to keep order when more than 42,000 Chelsea and Manchester United supporters descend on Moscow for the Champions League final.
A ban on public drinking?
“Drinking in public areas is not allowed under Russian law but there are plenty of places where consumption can take place,” said Alexey Sorokin, head of Russia’s Champions League organising committee.
Like in shop doorways, on benches, in teh gutter – which are all private…
Posted: 16th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)
Obama Wants Debate With Jihadists Who Blow Up Children
HOW do you debate this, Barack Obama?
A young girl carrying explosives that killed her, an Iraqi captain and injured four soldiers was blown up by remote control, officials said today.
The incident happened as she approached an Iraqi command post in Youssifiyah, south Baghdad, earlier this morning.
Iraqi army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali confirmed that the girl, who had hidden explosives strapped to her, was the cause of the blast …
“The bomber was detonated by remote control, killing Captain Wassem al-Maamouri and injuring four soldiers,” Ali added.
Says George Bush, widely regarded as an idiot:
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Posted: 15th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comments (5)
Enlightened Glasgow Rangers Teach Zenit Thugs To Unite For Common Good
“EUROPE’S most racist fans come to Britain (and there’s not a black player in sight),” says the Independent.
Tonight it’s the Uefa Cup final and Glasgow Rangers are taking on Zenit St Petersburg at the City of Manchester Stadium.
In a bid to give Zenit some kind of face, the Indy shows one of the club’s fans dressed in a balaclava and wearing a black leather glove and no shirt. He looks not unlike Michael Jackson trying to negotiate a typical British summer.
But he is, we are assured, a rabid thug, a hooligan the likes of which British football has never seen, moreover an enlightened club like Glasgow Rangers.
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Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets | Comment (1)
F1 More Popular Than Besancenot’s Trotskyism
NOTES The Croydonian: “At least judging by last weekend’s viewing figures, with the Turkish GP attracting more viewers than an interview with my old mate Olivier Besancenot.”
Who would have thunk it?
Posted: 14th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Politicians | Comment
Premier League’s Got Talent: Wags Special
THE football season is over at last, and the Wag season can begin in earnest.
Although the summer streets of Vienna will not be echoing to the lilting cackle of England’s First XI on a meet and greet for Euro 2008, Joanna Taylor, Wag to her footballer Danny Murphy, is making do.
“I was so proud of Danny on Sunday and not just because of his performance on the pitch,” says Joanna, cradling a ball under her arm in the Sun.
Danny scored for Fulham, thus enabling the Cottagers to remain in the Premier League, and sparing Joanna lunch with women who live in Hull, Ipswich and Preston.
“The previous day Danny had also played a blinder at home by being a brilliant husband and a caring dad.”
It turns out that Joanna and her footballer’s daughter, Mya, was ill with a virus. She is now much better, thank you.
Danny is a “hands-on dad”. Danny is mad about his son, from a pervious relationship. Danny stayed “strong for me” after two IVF attempts at pregnancy.
Nice one, Danny.
And he gives us an idea. The Premier League is a carve up between the richest teams and their richer owners. English football needs shaking up.
So here is Anorak’s new Premier League’s Got Talent, in which players and Wags step forward to say why they should win.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Daily Mail Heels Jeanette Rooney
LAST seen lumbering from the sea in images not seen since Saving Private Ryan, Jeanette Rooney, mother to Wayne Rooney (footballer), is in the Mail once again.
The new Jeanette is seven stone lighter then the old Jeanette, slimed down in time for her son’s wedding to Coleen McLoughlin.
To the untrained eye Jeanette look just fine, but how does he feel?
The Mail invites a Dr Alex Karadis, a plastic surgeon billed as “leading”, to appraise Jeanette.
The skin around her arms is “ragged and loose”. She could do “more to improve her FACE”. The skin is “really saggy and lined”.
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Posted: 13th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Fulham Beat The Drop With Viagra
TENSE times at Fulham FC, where the team are staring relegation in the face.
For beating the drop, Fulham owner Mohammed Al Fayed has promised his players a hamper of Viagra and caviar.
Play up Fulham. Play up, play up and play the game.
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Manchester United Turn Brass Into Silver
AS the football pundits wonder if the Premier League has become predictable, as they are contracted to wonder every year, the Star tells its readers that Manchester United’s success was down to “HOOKERS”.
Not “those slags” as fans to other football club may care to label United’s players, but actual hookers, or prostitutes as the British press used to call them.
Expecting puns on tackles, keepie-uppies and changing ends at half time, Anorak is instead introduced to a chant from the Surrey bank managers, Ipswich schoolboys and prawn sandwich enthusiasts and anyone else who makes up the United faithful.
The song, a tribute to Ronaldo, Nani and Anderson, who all rented prostitutes back in September, goes like this (to the tune of Black Lace’s Agadoo):
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Posted: 12th, May 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
