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Premier League news. Stories from the newspapers and BBC sport – sports news from tabloids Daily Mail, Daily Express, Daily Star, the Guardian, Daily Mirror, the times, daily telegraph

A Roman Orgy

‘ANYTHING Roman Abramovich can do, Alexander Mamut can do too.

The next manager of Blackburn Rovers?

That’s the news in the Express, as another Russian eyes a Premier League football club, this time Blackburn Rovers.

A Russian source says that Mamut is “sniffing around in England and will identify the club that makes the most sense to buy and control”.

We humbly suggest that he takes a gander at Anorak FC, a sleeping giant in the modern game, and available for a refreshingly low fee – to be agreed.

Meanwhile, the Mirror says that Alex Ferguson is relishing the prospect of playing Glasgow Rangers in the Champions League. He has a score to settle.

In Fergie’s autobiography, he says: “No other experience in my 40 years as a professional player and manager has created a scar comparable with that left by the treatment I received at Ibrox.”

To refresh readers’ minds, the paper says that Ferguson played for the Glasgow club for two seasons in the 1960s, before being shown the door.

Not he wants revenge. And Newcastle United fans could be forgiven for wanting to exact the same on their French player Laurent Robert, a surrender monkey.

The Sun says that on the night of Newcastle’s Champions League exit at the hands of Partizan Belgrade, dead-ball specialist Robert removed his boots after the final whistle.

As club manager Bobby Robson compiled his list of penalty takers, Robert languished on the turf – boots off, head down.

As Robson says: “We did not take good penalties – but how can you criticise the players who have shown the bottle and courage to take them?”

The comment is aimed as much at Robert as the good men and true. The Sun labelling Robert a “bottler” who let his team down.

As teammates Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer will, perhaps, remind him, pals always stick together…’

Posted: 29th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Tunnel Vision

‘FOOTBALL is back in the old routine after Portsmouth’s brief spell at the top of the Premier League.

United they fall

After respective wins of 2-0 and 1-0, Arsenal and Manchester United occupy the top two places in the table. Same old.

This, of course, does not mean that the Mirror will heaps praise on the Gunners, rather it dwells on what it says happened in the tunnel after the game.

“TAKING THE PIRES,” screams the headline above a shot of the Arsenal player exchanging views with Aston Villa’s Olaf Mellberg.

The pair then, apparently, took the squabble into the players’ tunnel and squared up. No punches are said to have been thrown – but still the Mirror chooses to lead with the so-called “bust-up”.

The Sun will not miss such a tale and leads its sports coverage with “Gunners in tunnel war”. If this is a war then the Falkland’s Conflict must have been Armageddon.

But never fear because thanks to Newcastle’s dismissal from the Champion’s League the Magpies soon steal the headlines.

“IT SERBS YOU RIGHT,” says the Sun, as Newcastle last night crashed out of the most lucrative club tournament in world football on penalties.

Partizan Belgrade’s Ivica Iliev had made it 1-0 on the night and 1-1 on aggregate, thus taking the game to spot kicks. The visitors scored four; Newcastle scored just three.

Since sport is all about showing your medals, Newcastle’s Alan Shearer must harbour at least a small regret that he never went to Manchester United all those moons ago.

Just as Britain’s track and field bigwigs must rue the lack of funds and facilities that have, in part, led to what the Mail calls the country’s “desperate showing” in the world athletics championships.

At last Kelly Holmes did well, picking up a silver in the 800metres. And the paper catches up with her atop the Eiffel Tower.

Such is the impoverished state of British athletics that you’d forgive Holmes for jumping. But instead she puts a coin in the slot of the telescope and watches the rest of the world pick up the gongs…’

Posted: 28th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Those Who Can’t, Pundit

‘FOLLOWING the somewhat surprising decision by the West Ham board to sack poor old Glenn ‘ratface’ Roeder only three games into the new season, the search is on to find a replacement charged with the unenviable task of turning a team, shorn of it’s brightest stars, into a side capable of returning to the Premiership.

‘Ah! A pox on those nasty bobbles’

All the usual suspects have been linked with the vacancy, from perennial candidate George Graham, to old boy Alan Curbishley.

However, it was the suave, perma-tanned Trevor Brooking who initially emerged as the front-runner in the eyes of both fans and bookies.

All-round nice guy Trev, already a Hammers idol and director of the beleaguered East End club, temporarily oversaw the club’s demise at the tail end of last season following Roeder’s serious illness.

And while he has once again taken over in a caretaker role, the former England playmaker has revealed that he has no intention of making the role a permanent one. For, despite the enthusiasm of the Upton Park faithful, Brooking, like a select band of former pros, has discovered a much easier way of making a living out of the game.

Along with the likes of Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson and Andy Gray, Clever Trevor long ago managed to secure for himself a place amongst the country’s elite TV pundits.

And with the BBC having recently secured the rights to show Premiership highlights and revive Match Of The Day from 2004 onwards, Brooking is well aware of the lucrative and, let’s face it, easy-peasy work waiting for him.

Having to seem enthusiastic while discussing the strengths and weaknesses of Leicester City’s offside trap may not be easy, but in comparison to the interminable pressure, personal abuse and precariousness of the dugout, a comfy seat in a studio is infinitely preferable.

Brooking’s fellow Beeb pundit, Mark Lawrenson, found this out the hard way, gravitating to the warm and cosy surroundings of the Beeb only after suffering a disastrous managerial career with Oxford United.

Now, the hideously coifed ‘Lawro’ looks in no rush to return to the reality of football management as, along with partner-in-punditry Alan Hansen, he can make a good living casting judgement over players, teams, managers and clubs safe in the knowledge that he won’t be getting a vote of confidence from his chairman if he messes up.

After all, otherwise, Alan Hansen’s infamous ‘they won’t win anything with kids’ critique of Alex Ferguson’s world-beaters would have lead to a public sacking and a job presenting the World Croquet Championships at 4am on BBC Liechtenstein.

Nowadays, mostly thanks to the broadcasting boffins at Sky, the post-match analysis, itself an exquisite exercise in hindsight, now utilises more special effects than a scene from The Matrix.

With myriad camera angles, 3D graphics and Slo-mo effects, the job of the pundit has been made even easier. Now he can quote the speed of the ball, measure the margin of offside to the millimetre and count the number of hairs on Michael Owen’s chin.

Whether or not he actually provides an accurate analysis matters less. Anyway, there’s always the next match to get that right.

So why would Trevor Brooking eschew all this for the pressures of the real managerial world? He’s already seen what the pressure has done to Glenn Roeder.

And no matter how tedious the questions, cringe-making Gary Lineker’s banter and boring the match, it’s highly unlikely the job will put him in an early grave.

Alan Duffy’

Posted: 28th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Pompey Climbs

‘PORTSMOUTH are top of the Premiership this morning thanks to a goal from Steve Stone and a hat-trick from Teddy Sheringham in a 4-0 win over Bolton.

Crespo looks for his seat in the stands

The Sun leads with a picture of the Premier League table and the other news that Wayne Rooney scored in Everton’s 2-2 draw away to Charlton last night.

Inside the paper it’s all Chelsea. Last night the Blues advanced to the Champions League proper with a 3-0 win over MSK Zilina.

The aggregate score of 5-0 is enough to promote the Blues to the big league and give them the kudos to attract more stars.

And step forward Hernan Crespo, the new boy in the blue shirt, who, as the Mirror reports, is just the latest player to join Roman Abramovich’s £300 million revolution at the Bridge.

Having already spent around £100 million of fresh faces, lashing out three times that amount sounds not so absurd.

But how many players can you get into one team? Will thirty-plus get into just eleven berths? We wait and see.

Over in Spain, Real Madrid are having less of a problem getting all their stars into a starting line, especially since David Beckham has begun his Spanish career badly.

The Express has a shot of Becks kicking a bottle as he was substituted in Madrid’s game against Real Mallorca.

“I was angry,” says Becks. “Any player who is substituted is angry. I am not different. I want to stay on he pitch for 90 minutes, so I am disappointed any time it happens.”

At least he makes the Real pitch from the off. His latter days at United began and ended on the bench. Becks should realise that his career has taken a turn upwards.

Meanwhile, we say well done to Kelly Holmes in winning a silver medal at the world athletics championships.

The Mail is just about the only paper to lead with this non-football action, and shows Holmes coming in second in the 800metres behind Maria Mutola of Mozambique.

Kelly was happy with her performance but has not yet taken in the full impact of Portsmouth’s lofty position on planet football.

We’ll let her catch her breath before asking her opinion…’

Posted: 27th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Back To Becks

‘THE way is clear for David Beckham to return to London’s East End as player/manger of West Ham United.

The new face of West Ham?

Beckham was recently substituted in his first competitive performance for Real Madrid, as they club lost 2-1 to Real Mallorca in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup.

“We had to sacrifice one of our attacking players and Beckham was the one I chose, it was not because he had a bad game,” says Carlos Queiroz, the Real manager.

Of course it wasn’t. It was to allow the Madrilenos to get used to life without their new big signing, thus allowing West Ham to make an official bid to bring the England captain home.

United fans will now baulk at this idea. Beckham would not be wanted, they say. But consider the options.

Trevor Brooking wants no part in managing a team that will give him only a hiding to nothing. Being the hero at the season’s end is nothing at all like managing a club out of the Nationwide morass. Trevor has nouse to go with those famous ten O-Levels.

After Clever Trevor there is Iain Dowie. Dowie is a Hammers’ fan and did once play for the club. He lacks experience, and after Roeder the club would be unwise to opt for that route again.

But Dowie will point to the fact that while in charge of Oldham he has taken the impoverished club to the Second Division play-offs.

He supports his claim for the West Ham post by saying that he knows as much as he needs to know – “The way you get experience is to do the job,” says he.

West Ham fans would be forgiven for not wanting their club to turn into a school for coaches. Sticking by your manager for years, as the club has a history of doing, is one thing, raising him as your own is something else.

After Dowie there is Alan Curbishley. Could the Hammers bear being turned down by him again? The fans would be delighted to get the man who has performed well at Charlton.

But why lave Charlton to go down a division to West Ham? Curbishley is the long shot.

Which leads us to David Beckham. Mrs Beckham might not fancy exchanging the delights of al fresco shopping in Madrid for Stratford but she would at least be among her own in Essex.

Or what about Geoff Hurst and Martin Peters. And then there’s Alf Garnett.

Suggestions and applications to the usual address.’

Posted: 27th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Testing Times

‘YESTERDAY England surrendered the momentum built up at Trent Bridge and lost the third Test of the summer series against South Africa by 191 runs.

England are looking down and out

The Times was there to see England fail, looking on through parted fingers as the home side lost their final five wickets for 40 runs in 11 overs.

You can change the captain and tinker with the team but England retain the right to collapse like a pack of wet cards.

The paper suggests that Michael Vaughan is a “naïve” captain and was resorting to type when he repeated what the paper calls “tired clichés about the excess of county cricket, its lack of competitiveness and…the fear factor”.

What England are fearful of is anyone’s guess. But favourites are: a) winning, b) concentrating, and c) getting nasty grass stains on those nice clean whites.

Meanwhile, Claudio Ranieri is looking over his shoulder at the looming shadow being cast by Sven Goran Eriksson.

The Express says that the Chelsea manager is agitated that the current England coach is still being tipped as his successor.

“I will have to live with this soap opera,” says Ranieri. “There is nothing I can do if the name of Eriksson comes out of every corner. Between myself and Mr Abramovich there is a total feeling but it’s obvious that this feeling must be fed with victories.”

It’s a good job Ranieri and the Chelsea chairman can communicate by feel, because if the Italian’s language was the only conduit between pitch and boardroom the Blues would soon be staring relegation in the face.

One man who spoke loud and clear last night was Darren Campbell. His performance in the 100m final at the athletic world championships in Paris earned him a bronze medal.

More important, though, is the Sun’s reminder that Campbell once played football in the same youth team as Ryan Giggs.

He might never reach such dizzy heights again, but at least the knowledge that he is the third quickest man on earth will give Campbell some consolation.

Chin up, Darren…’

Posted: 26th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Usual Supects

‘WITH all the league tables on hospital performances, schools and crime, we finally have one we can understand: the Premier League.

Arsenal are a barrier to Chelsea’s progress

Here’s something that needs no explanation and spin.

After just two games, Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea are occupying the top three places in the league.

In the olden days before Sky sought to rebrand football as family entertainment, the league table was only published after three games had been played.

But the broadcaster is always in need of filler and what more jam-like than a list of the teams in order.

Liverpool supporters will want to take much notice of the current order, given that their team have scored just one point from six possible.

Newcastle have achieved the same. And with both the Magpies and Liverpool losing six-pointers at home to Manchester United and Chelsea respectively their chances of either team winning the league look remote.

Sure, these are early days, but, as I say, Arsenal, Manchester United and Chelsea are top of the table with the league’s only perfect records.

Of the new arrivals, Portsmouth are getting off to a fine start and were unlucky to surrender two points at Manchester City at the weekend.

Harry Redknapp’s team have spirit, a quality much needed to earn points while the sun is still shining and hope lives.

Wolves looked doomed. After two games? After one game. Conceding nine goals and scoring just one does not bode well, especially when you’ve played Blackburn and Charlton, two decent but by no means top sides.

Leicester are another thing entirely. They should survive. The Foxes showed enough talent against Chelsea to suggest that they will achieve a few notable shocks this term.

If experience counts for something, Leicester’s greybeard squad should keep the club afloat.

Elsewhere, the early signs are that Everton will be a tough team to beat, until they play one of the top three clubs. And Leeds will fade late in the season, when injuries and suspensions take hold, but narrowly avoid relegation.

The surprise package could come from Manchester City or Spurs. If injuries are few and luck smiles, one of them might make it to a top six finish.

Glenn Hoddle has assembled a decent squad at White Hart Lane and Kevin Keegan’s team will score goals.

But this is all educated guesswork. The only clear sings are in the top three places.

The season might be long but, as usual, the team that beats Manchester Untied or/and Arsenal will win the league. And on early evidence, that can only be Chelsea.’

Posted: 26th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Wagging Tails

‘ENGLAND will undoubtedly be the more disappointed side after the first day’s play of the fourth Test, having had South Africa on the rack at 142-7.Once again, their inability to polish off the tail has cost them dear and allowed the visitors to bat their way back into the match.

Resuming this morning on 260-7, South Africa will now have their sights set on a first-inning total well in excess of 300.

On a pitch that offers help to the bowlers, that will be enough to put pressure on England’s top order.

It is hard to know why England so frequently concede so many runs in the latter part of an innings.

At Trent Bridge, for instance, the final five South African wickets notched up considerably more than the first five in both innings – 230 to 132 in the first innings and 81 to 50 in the second.

By contrast, England’s first five wickets contributed 378 of the 563 runs the team scored in the match.

Part of the problem, it seems to me, is that bowlers become impatient when bowling at lower-order batsmen and lose their discipline.

Frequently, they are content to try to get the established batsman off strike so they can have a go at the tailender, but end up overextending themselves and conceding runs.

At times like this, it is crucial that the captain reminds his bowlers of the disciplines that allowed them to take wickets early on.

Even with the old ball, there was plenty of encouragement for the bowlers when they pitched it in the right place.

In the absence of a bowler like Ian Botham, who was brilliant at cleaning up the tail, England need to treat even numbers nine to eleven in the same way as they treat one to three.

Otherwise, we will continue to see excellent positions thrown away like we did yesterday and have so often in the past.’

Posted: 22nd, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Overstepping The Mark

‘ENGLAND are probably just in the ascendancy after the first day of the fourth Test against South Africa, but the papers know the position should be a lot better.

A Pat on the head

The Mail makes no bones about it, accusing the team of frittering away a dream start which saw South Africa slump to 21-4 at one stage.

South African skipper Graeme Smith was out in the very first over of the day after electing to bat on the notoriously unpredictable Headingley pitch and fellow opener Herschelle Gibbs was out in the second.

But an unbeaten century from Gary Kirsten and an unbeaten 50 on debut from Monde Zondenki dragged the visitors from 142-7 to 260-7 at the close of play.

The Mail says James Anderson, amazingly the most experienced of the four specialist seamers at this level, was the weakest link in attack.

“Fears about his present energy levels, both mental and physical, may have contributed to the decision to go in with five pacemen,” it says.

But it adds that by the end of the day an old adage had come into play – “namely that if four seamers cannot do the job five will not make any difference”.

The Express says England were left ruing a dropped chance and the no-ball from Andrew Flintoff off which Kirsten was caught before lunch.

Over to football, and the Mirror relays a simple message from the FA to Arsenal captain Patrick Vieira: “Shut Up, Vieira.”

It says the FA have told the Frenchman he is talking nonsense after he claimed that the north London club were being victimised following Sol Campbell’s citation for violent conduct.

More worrying for the FA and, in particular, England coach Sven Goran Eriksson is a piece in the Express which shows just how much the international side rely on two men.

Almost half the 58 goals scored by England under the Swede have come from Michael Owen (15) and David Beckham (11). The next highest scorers are Darius Vassell, Robbie Fowler and Emile Heskey, all of whom have found the net four times in the past two and a half years.

It is now 23 matches since Paul Scholes scored for his country, while Eriksson has also complained about the dearth of strikers in the country.

With a wobbly defence and dodgy goalkeeper, that means that just about every area of the pitch is officially a worry. Roll on Turkey!’

Posted: 22nd, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Games For A Laugh

‘BRITAIN’S Olympic 2012 bid has taken another blow, and this time from Ken Livingstone, one its main supporters.

‘I believe I can fly’

The farce of the World Athletic Championships, which were moved from London to Paris after the Government and the ridiculous Sports Minister Richard Caborn failed to organise the proverbial piss-up in a brewery did not help.

And Paris is a good place to start talking about this latest blow, since London’s rival city for the games has the infrastructure that London should envy.

Thanks to Ken and his type, a journey that costs around 85p on the Paris Metro will soon cost £2 in London.

If that’s what it will cost in 2004, what will the price of a ride on the stinking hell-hole that is the London Underground be in 2012?

The tarnished image of London as a sporting Mecca does not need to be worsened.

Already an expensive city with dire amenities for tourists, the plan is to make London an extortionate city with bilingual traffic information.

As things stand, London has no chance of getting the games. Paris will win the vote over London and New York – and should win the vote.

But since image counts for so much, Britain should consider making full use of her assets.

Whereas the occasionally suave Minute Man President Jacques Chiraq spoke at the launch of his country’s bid, Tony Blair left the job to Ken and the singularly unimpressive Tessa Jowell.

Now the big guns are needed. Give David Beckham the job of promoting the games.

Becks lives on the continent now and is well placed to talk up a London, his home city, and the London Olympic bid.

Last night he received a standing ovation for his performance. He might sound like a toddler waking up his parents to say he’s wet the bed but he’s the best we’ve got.

And in any case, have you heard Ken Livingstone speak..?’

Posted: 21st, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Being Frank

‘IT’S unlike the Telegraph to be hyperbolic but its headline – “Beckham gets the party going” – suggests more than it delivers.

Beckham Jnr – on his way to Chelsea?

England’s victory over Croatia last night by three goals to one was the right result, and the “outstanding” David Beckham did score the home side’s opening goal from the penalty spot. But a party?

The Independent speaks is more prosaic tones, saying how although this was England’s sixth win on the spin it was in keeping with the side’s “habit of producing better results than their performances deserve”. Something the paper calls a “larcenous practice”.

But a win is a win, and if England are winning then what does it say about their opponents? That England are better. If that’s the case, fans will excuse more of the same.

The Guardian saw the game and heaps praise on Frank Lampard, but the Chelsea midfield will be excused for looking less ahead into a glimmering future and more over his shoulder.

News in the Times is that Chelsea are poised to sign Alexei Smertin, a Russian midfielder, taking the Chelsea contingent in the centre of the park into the low hundreds.

Also on his way out, if only on loan to Charlton for now, is Carlton Cole, once seen as the future of the Blues’ attack. Now that’s one Hernan Crespo, the Argentine with the reputation as stretched as his hairband.

It’s looking like Chelsea are tying to buy success sooner rather than later. Roman Abramovich at least realises that every season counts and days in the sun are few.

So shed a tear for Tim Henman who, as the Times says, has been “handed his most awesome draw” in the first round of the US Open – a match with Andy Roddick.

The American with the weapon of mass destruction serve represents a prized scalp or a swift exit for Henman. Can he do it? Can Frank Lampard play for England?’

Posted: 21st, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Sol Searching

‘SOL Campbell has threatened to stop playing for England. That’s the Sun’s headline story, albeit announced in more sensational terms – “Sven: I KO’d Sol Quit Threat.”

Sol of discretion?

It seems that the Arsenal player was so fed-up with what he sees as a conspiracy against him by the FA that he is considering not taking their money and playing internationals.

For the time being, England manager Sven Goran Eriksson has talked him round.

As it is, according to the Express, Campbell does still face the prospect of a three-match ban for his reaction to an unpunished foul by Manchester United’s Eric Djemba Djemba.

Whether Sol will be banned for all Arsenal games forever by the FA – with special help from the selective Sky TV camera and the Sun – but allowed to play for his country remains to be seen. In the meantime, he’s out of tonight’s match with Croatia.

His likely replacement is John Terry, who, as the Express says, is out to prove to England that he is Tony Adams’ natural successor.

He might not be wrapping his car around a lamp-post or soiling himself just yet, but he is seen by the Mirror urinating into some bushes. Let us not ignore Terry’s class.

One player who may yet play football for England or some other professional outfit is Liam Botham, the son of cricket legend Ian Botham.

The Independent says that Botham junior is to make his senior debut for Leeds rugby league team in Castleford tonight.

This will be his senior debut in a third sport, having already played first-class cricket for Hampshire and rugby union for Cardiff, Newcastle, Hartlepool and England A.

If Botham were to play professional football, he could always get a game at Spurs, where the team is in its usual dire straits following an injury to Robbie Keane.

The Guardian shows Keane writhing in agony, clutching his ankle as his Republic of Ireland team beat Australia 2-1.

The player hopes to be all right soon, but given the injury jinx at Spurs Keane might not recover fully for years.

As they say at the Lane, get worse soon, Robbie…’

Posted: 20th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Strange Selection

‘IT is hard to fathom England’s selection policy at the moment with Martin Bicknell’s inclusion in the squad for tomorrow’s Fourth test coming as a surprise to the man himself.

All bowled out

It is ten years since the Surrey bowler won the second of his two England caps and, by his own admission, he is probably a bit past his prime now.

There is little doubt that Bicknell’s inclusion is motivated by England’s long list of bowling injuries to which Steve Harmison is just the latest addition.

And so perhaps we should read nothing into it other than England needed a stop-gap with the ability and experience to jump straight into Test cricket.

Like Ed Smith, Bicknell has been picked on his performance in county cricket, although the older man has produced the goods over many years and can consider himself unlucky only to have got two caps.

That is a good thing as it will encourage other county players to believe that they can force their way into the selectors’ thoughts by weight of runs or number of wickets.

However, it is hard to discern a strategy in England’s selections over the past few seasons, particularly in the bowling department.

Players are frequently picked and discarded without even being given a chance to show what they can do.

It was only the retirement of Darren Gough and various injuries that allowed James Kirtley to shine at Trent Bridge.

In fact, there is a feeling that there is something temporary about selection throughout the summer from the moment Darren Gough was picked to play in the first two Tests.

Alec Stewart’s knock in the first innings in Nottingham may have been crucial, but the fact that we know he is on his way at the end of the summer undermines his position in the side.

Nasser Hussain is in transition from captain back to top order batsman, but it will take some time before that is complete.

And then there is the problem of what to do about Graham Thorpe, England’s most talented batsman.

We are not good enough to continue to leave him out, but bringing him back makes the middle order start to have veteran status.

Key to the future, however, is surely Andrew Flintoff, who has developed into an excellent first-change bowler but needs to convince us all that he can bat at No.6.

Headingley would be as good a place as any to start.’

Posted: 20th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


David’s Pain In Spain

‘JAMES Kirtley is the toast of backpages this morning. The Mail has “King James” with arms up, jubilant that after being discarded by England on four occasions he finally came good.His six wickets were instrumental in England’s victory over South Africa at Trent Bridge yesterday, which levelled the series at 1-1.

The paper sticks with the story of the day, following England’s progress as the Sussex bowler’s persistence brought his team glory and his own personal rewards.

But Kirtley will have to content himself, as many have before him, with sharing the headlines with David Beckham.

The blonde one is complaining to the Mirror that Alex Ferguson hasn’t called to wish him good luck in his new job in Madrid. “I haven’t spoken to the manager since I left,” says Day-vid. “I can’t remember when I last spoke to him.”

Most of us would be happy never to speak with the gruff, charmless Scot once in our lives let alone go back for more, particularly is he’s kicked a boot in your face.

But Beckham is not that upset, because as he goes onto tell the Mirror he loves being a superstar. He’s also what the Mail calls an “open book”, candid and honest in interview, albeit with big print, small words and lots of pictures.

Over in the Manchester Untied fanzine that is the Sun, David Beckham is just chuffed to bits that the No 7 shirt he vacated at Old Trafford is being worn by the best player the world has ever seen, even if we have only seen him for little over twenty minutes.

There is a concerted bid to reassure all United fans/shareholders that losing Beckham was not a bad thing. Indeed, it was a positive move, given that his replacement is so awesome. Imagine what Ronaldo will be like after an entire half!

Meanwhile, the Express says that the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) are in talks with the Football Association over their investigation into the dealings of John Gregory, the former Aston Villa manager.

Talk of bungs surrounds Gregory’s name. If found guilty of wrongdoing, Gregory will face at least a one-year ban from football, a punishment once dished out to George Graham.

And mention of the former Arsenal manager makes us wonder what happened to him. If you see George let us know. He’s often in the company of his mate Terry Venables…’

Posted: 19th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


The New George Best?

‘IF James Kirtley played football for Manchester United, he’d now be hailed as the greatest player ever. Journalists at that team’s sister business, the Sun, would be filling page after page of copy about how wonderful the discovery is.

Only he doesn’t play football. Kirtley plays cricket, and plays it very well. He is not the world’s greatest bowler and, in truth, doesn’t look like he ever will be. But he does have spirit.

On taking the fifth of his six wickets in South Africa’s second innings yesterday, the player visibly welled up. Given that cricket is peopled by many men who look like a stump has been placed squarely up them, Kirtley’s emotion was all too welcome.

And Kirtley got his dues, being voted man of the match by the Channel 4 audience. To many who watched the game this was a somewhat contentious selection.

Shaun Pollock was the obvious choice with his eight wickets and decent run haul. But since this was a vote by the domestic audience it was unlikely a South African was going to be the people’s champion.

Michael Atherton suggested that Nasser Hussain, whose hundred in the first innings and 30 in the second was instrumental in England’s victory, should have been given the bottle of champagne and £10 record token.

But no. Kirtley earned and, vitally, needs the award. Hussain does not. Any young player, especially one making his debut as Kirtley was, needs lots of encouragement.

His performance should be praised from the rooftops. He will accept his reward and bouquets in good grace, bowing his head in real embarrassment at being singled out.

But inside he will be delighted. Being the hero of the day for your country on your international debut is something great in a sportsman’s career.

Kirtley will be eager to prove at Headingley on Thursday that Trent Bridge was no fluke. No competitor has his day every time he plays, and Kirtley will certainly experience moments of utter despair.

But at least he’ll always know that he is capable of doing the job.

And with that lodged in the back of his mind, he’s right now worth his weight in gold.’

Posted: 19th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Greatest Test

‘NO-ONE could ever accuse the third Test between England and South Africa at Trent Bridge of lacking excitement.

And not a football in sight

For all the complaints about the pitch, it has so far been as good an example as you could wish for of why the five-day game remains the ultimate form of the game.

And as it enters its final day today, both sides have a fighting chance of victory.

England must start as slight favourites, given the way they bowled last night.

Neil Mackenzie and Mark Boucher can thank a fair amount of luck and a couple of favourable umpiring decisions for the fact that they are still there this morning.

Had one or both of them been out, the match would surely have been all but over.

As it is, England (with only three fit seamers, a ball that is getting softer by the over and on a pitch that is capricious in the extreme) need to take five wickets to square the series and set us up for a thrilling couple of matches at Headingley and the Oval.

South Africa, on the other hand, can take a commanding 2-0 lead in the series if their last five wickets can knock off the 139 runs they need.

So much will depend upon the first hour of play this morning. If England take a couple of wickets, I expect them to wrap up a comfortable win.

If South Africa survive, their confidence will grow and they will regain the upper hand.

However, after a couple of days in which the initiative has swung back and forward between the two teams, the final day is unlikely to be without drama of its own.

Neutrals should hope for an England win because it sets up the rest of the series.

But whoever does triumph, this has been a fantastic advertisement for Test cricket at a time when so much of the world are being seduced by the immediate pleasures of the one-day game.

Posted: 18th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Bridge Work

‘THE third Test between England and South Africa is likely to be decided today by which teams holds its nerve best in what is sure to be an enthralling couple of hours’ cricket.

Ronaldo beats a cunningly disguised Beckham

England start off as favourites, needing only five more of the visitors’ wickets, while the Proteas needs 138 more runs on a deteriorating pitch.

But the papers are certainly not counting their chickens, with Derek Pringle in the Telegraph suggesting that the pitch is not nearly as bad as batsmen seem to believe it to be.

”Given the Jekyll and Hyde nature of England’s bowling, leaving Trent Bridge victorious cannot be guaranteed,” he says, ”though Michael Vaughan’s team, with bodies refreshed after a night’s sleep, will surely start clear favourites when play gets under way this morning.”

The Guardian praises the England bowlers’ discipline last night in what it calls ”a humdinger of a Test day” – ”a series in the balance, a crazy-paving surface which insisted that something could happen at any moment, and an England side fighting to redeem its reputation before an unashamedly partisan crowd”.

South African all-rounder Shaun Pollock, who took six wickets in England’s second innings, reckons that it could go either way.

”England will not be happy we have two guys at the wicket who scored 90 and 50 in the first innings, so it could be interesting,” he tells the Independent. ”It is all about pressure and who handles it best.”

But James Kirtley believes England are very much in the ascendancy, saying: ”We’ve bowled well out there. If we can create the same mood and the same tempo in the morning there is no reason why we should not finish the job.”

Only time will tell whose optimism is better founded, just as only time will tell whether Chelsea’s band of expensive mercenaries can sustain a challenge for the Premiership title.

Their campaign, however, got off to a perfect start yesterday when they beat Liverpool 2-1 at Anfield, with one of the imports, Juan Sebastian Veron, getting the first goal.

The Sun watches billionaire owner Roman Abramovich celebrate the immediate return on his £75m investment in new players under the headline, ”Yellski”.

”It was so exciting and an incredible experience,” he tells the paper. ”I’m very pleased with the performance and the result. I felt it with my heart and loved every moment.”

Proving that football and the inevitable hyperbole is very much back, the Sun’s Steven Howard salutes Manchester United’s signing Cristiano Ronaldo as the best player since George Best. All on the basis of 29 minutes as a substitute.

”He has a beguiling and lethal mix of grace, balance, speed and athleticism,” writes Howard. ”At times, he looks as if he is floating on air. A butterfly with a machine-gun.”

Meanwhile, the man he replaced at Old Trafford, David Beckham, was jeered as he was substituted during Real Madrid’s 0-0 draw with Valencia.

”David who?” as they now say in Manchester.’

Posted: 18th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Sack Race

‘THE season begins in earnest tomorrow, as we the people wonder who will be the first manager for the chop.

Roman has come to bury Claudio not to praise him

And the first name from the hat is Claudio Ranieri. The Italian has called for two ”champions” in every position of the Chelsea team.

He has pretty much got his wish and Chelsea have the strength in depth to be major force. Thus indulged, Ranieri has to turn so much promise into silver.

The FA Cup is not worth its salt to Roman Abramovich, who must expect at least the Premiership title to go to the Bridge. The suggestion is that Ranieri has two seasons to win this prize.

The smart money says he has one. If Chelsea fail, coming home third or lower by a margin of more than, say, eight points, Ranieri will be replaced.

If the Blues are pipped to the title on goal difference or by a single point, Ranieri will be replaced. The thinking will be that if another man had been in charge Chelsea would have fared better.

This does at least take the Italian to the season’s end, and only a dismal showing early on in the season and an early exit from the Champions’ League will hasten his departure.

He is thus 4-1 for the chop, the same odds as Glenn Hoddle. Now Glenn is in trouble. The Messiah’s return to the Lane has not been going according to plan.

Spurs have spent big this off-season – although it’s hard to see Bobby Zamora restoring the glory days just yet. Glenn will get six months to show a marked improvement. If he is failing then, he will finally get the boot.

In the west of the capital, Fulham’s new young boss Chris Coleman is 5-1 to not see out his first season in charge. This is harsh, but not altogether unfair.

Coleman has little experience as a manager and may be too close to the players and his playing days to pack the necessary ruthless punch. This could be the bet to take.

Kevin Keegan and Gerard Houllier (both 8-1) are longer shots. If Keegan goes early it will most likely be by his own volition.

But he’s popular and Manchester City have a fine new ground and David Seaman to counter the cavalier Keegan style.

Houllier is less certain. True, his Liverpool have won a few silver pots, but the title has been well beyond their reach, despite the club spending many millions on new talent.

A poor start this term and the spiky Frenchman could be shown the door.

Mickey Adams (9-1) is popular at Leicester. The biggest threat to his job is nerves and how well he keeps his in the Premiership’s boiler room.

Peter Reid (11-1) should never have been given the Leeds job. But he’ll most likely survive. And Sam Allardyce (14-1) looks like he’s at Bolton for the long haul.

David O’Leary (14-1) at Aston Villa will at least be given the season by Deadly Doug before an inevitable falling-out. And Graeme Souness (16-1) has excelled at Blackburn Rovers. (What price Souness to be the next manager of Spurs?)

Beyond that, the odds are too long to be taken seriously and the likelihood of a sacking or resignation is remote.

The question is who will take over from Ranieri. After all, there must be a second champion in his position…

Posted: 15th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


The Two Tons

‘NASSER Hussain turned towards the media centre on scoring his hundred yesterday in response to some of the obituaries that have been written for his career in recent days.

Nasser always did prefer an attack-minded stance at the crease

But anyone coming to bury the former England captain is this morning full of praise for a gutsy innings that has helped England to a good position in the third Test at Trent Bridge.

Hussain finished the day unbeaten on 108, with England 296-3 after a sparkling century from Mark Butcher and an unbeaten 40 from debutant Ed Smith.

The Telegraph’s Derek Pringle salutes the 229-ball innings, which he says ”had plenty of what the Australians call mongrel, an affectionate term for guts and character”.

”Captaincy changed him for the better in many ways, but his return to the ranks will mean a return to type and succeeding largely on his own terms,” he says.

Another player who plays on his own terms is the Cambridge-educated Ed Smith, whose brain and background have apparently been the cause of a bit of mickey-taking.

”He has been an endless source of amusement,” Mark Butcher tells the Times, ”especially for the Yorkshire boys.

”They have never heard anybody speak before like Ed. At the crease, he looks like a million dollars, which is probably what he has got tucked away somewhere.”

If he has, there are plenty of football clubs who would love to see it.

This morning, as Premiership clubs prepare to start their season, the Times profiles Bryan Richardson, Geoffrey Richmond and Peter Ridsdale – three football club chairman whose clubs managed to run up combined debts of £150m while they were in charge, but are still in the game.

”You would think that clubs would base appointments on what recruits have done in the past,” says Roy Whalley, of Walsall.

”Yet there are some characters who make you wonder how they’re still in the game.”

Still in the game is Colin Montgomerie, Europe’s best player for a record seven years in a row but a perennial underachiever in the major championships.

And he is surely soon to be on his way home from the USPGA after an opening 82 left him 16 shots behind Phil Mickelson at Oak Hill.

Both men, the Indy says, have been described as the best players never to have won a major. It is a mantle Monty might wear on his own come Monday morning.

Posted: 15th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Up The Duff

‘LAST night Chelsea played their first competitive game of football of the season. And they won, beating Slovakian outfit MSK Zilinia 2-0.

Even Henry wanted Campbell sent off

”Red Rom Romp,” say the Sun’s headline. ”Damien Dazzler,” applauds the Mail, a reference to an impressive showing from the Blues’ Damien Duff.

But fielding £59m of new talent is still not enough and the Sun says that Chelsea are ready to swoop into the transfer market once more.

Claude Makelele has, the paper reports, gone on strike at Real Madrid. He has delivered the Spanish giant an ultimatum: double my wages of let me move to Chelsea who will.

Makelele’s agent, Marc Roger, is supportive of his player’s despicable actions.

”Claude is pissed off that he’s been saying these things for two years about being underpaid and the club have ignored him.”

And since £40,000 a week is not enough for his prosaic talents, the Frenchman is in a strop.

Meanwhile, it is our duty to divert attention away from Chelsea to Tottenham, the team that Roman Abramovich curiously overlooked in his quest for an English club.

The Express says that the Londoners are ready to make a big buy of their own – 20-year-old Bobby Convey.

The midfielder who plays for DC United will come to White Hart Lane if he’s given a work permit. Let’s hope he is and Spurs can bring back the glory days.

And while London clubs Chelsea and Spurs count the players in, Arsenal count them out.

The news in the Mail is that, following the fractious Community Shield match between the Gunners and Manchester United, Sol Campbell faces a possible FA charge.

Campbell retaliated following a challenge form Djemba Djemba and will now face a possible three-match ban.

”What about the challenge by Djemba?” says Arsenal Wenger in the Mail. ”It was obscene. Why is no action being taken about that?”

So the Gunners are looking at what would effectively be another red card.

It appears that the Red Army might not be in Chelsea after all…

Posted: 14th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


A Chance Missed

‘IF England’s selection of three non-capped players for the third Test which starts at Trent Bridge this morning was supposed to galvanise their supporters, it has failed.

England resort to desperate measures

With Graham Thorpe ruled out by injury (but unlikely to have been selected anyway), Ed Smith deserves a chance in the middle order as the form batsman in county cricket.

But a fast bowling line-up of James Anderson, Steve Harmison, Andrew Flintoff and either James Kirtley or Glenn Chapple is unlikely to have Graeme Smith trembling in his pads.

In fairness, the selectors did not have a huge amount of options given the injuries to Matthew Hoggard, Simon Jones, Richard Johnson and James Ormond.

But it is hard to see how Chapple can be the right option, given his lack of wickets for Lancashire this season.

As for the rest of the team, the selectors have really missed a trick in keeping both former captains Alec Stewart and Nasser Hussain in the fold.

With Thorpe unavailable, Hussain’s place was probably saved by the need for experience in the batting line-up.

But Andrew Flintoff’s improved form with the bat this season which culminated in his excellent ton at Lord’s made it the perfect time to say goodbye to Stewart.

Stewart has been a fine servant to England over the past two decades and has been the side’s premier all-rounder for a number of years.

But the appointment of Michael Vaughan as Test captain should be occasion to usher in a new era in English cricket – and it is an era to which Stewart does not belong.

Chris Read, who played so well in the one-day matches, deserves his chance this summer.

He may not be as accomplished a batsman as Stewart, but he is a useful No.7 and has done little wrong behind the stumps for England.

By retaining Stewart, England are only prolonging the inevitable but doing so at a cost.

The selectors talk about consistency of selection, which is an admirable trait at the right time.

With a new captain at the helm, having come off a successful one-day series and a disastrous start to the Test series, this unfortunately is not the right time.

Posted: 14th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Signing On

‘WHETHER you praise Patrick Vieira (”He comes from Senegal, he plays for Arsenal) or condemn him (”My old man’s got a second hand Sierra, it’s dirtier than Patrick Vieira), he’s here to stay.

He comes from Senegal, he still plays for Arsenal

The Mail says that after weeks of speculation the languid Frenchman has finally agreed terms to stay at Arsenal. And since he loves the club so much, he’s only getting around £100,000 a week.

Even the Sun’s appalling oik Steve Howard concedes that this is the best signing of the season so far.

But Howard’s paper cannot tear itself away from its investment, and watches as Alex Ferguson shakes hands with Manchester United’s signing, 18-year-old Cristiano Ronaldo.

Fergie wears a smug grin and Ronaldo wears a jumper that appears to have been designed by the same people that brought you the Arsenal ”Chevron” kit of the 1980s.

But more important than Ronaldo’s front is his back, on which will appear the number 7. ”Here is my new Beckham,” says the headline in the Express.

But the manager under real pressure is not Arsene Wenger or Ferguson but Chelsea boss Claudio Ranieri.

Talking to the Mirror, the Italian, who speaks English like a British package tourist speaks Spanish, is excited and nervous.

”I believe the players are champions,” says Ranieri of the many men his owner has bought. ”If they are nervous, then I will shoot myself.”

Chelsea are set to play a Champions’ League qualifier against the less-than-mighty Zilinia of Slovakia tonight.

You just imagine that if Chelsea are defeated, heads will roll in an instant. But you can equally imagine that if the gig is up at half-time, Roman Abramovich will simply reach into his pocket and buy the Slovakian outfit. It’s a ‘no lose’ situation.

Much like the England cricket team, of whom so little is expected that anything other than outright defeat in the next Test against South Africa would smell of a quiet victory.

But the good news in cricket is that Nasser Hussain has committed himself to England and wants to tour with them this winter.

This prompts the Mirror to announce: ”I’d go to Mongolia to bat for England, says Nasser Hussain.”

And that’s encouraging, sine Mongolia are ripe for the taking. Go on Nasser – the hopes of a nation go with you…

Posted: 13th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Fantasy Football

‘IN the spirit of the newspapers that provide us with so much, we launch our own version of fantasy football.

Faking orgasm on the pitch: 30 points

In our game we ask you to pick the worst team. Points are awarded for own goals, goals conceded, blank sheets, yellow and red cards and appearances before the FA.

In our version, football is given the credit it deserves for being all-embracing.

Any player that appears on the gossip sheets will earn his manager ten points, while a front-page expose as a love rat will earn a whopping 50 points.

If the cheating on a long-suffering wife or girlfriend has occurred with a lap dancer (ten bonus points), a glamour mod-el (30 bonus points) or another man (100 bonus points), so much the better.

And from one vice to another. With your pencil waving over the Blackburn midfield, you must consider the likelihood of vices other than women coming to the fore.

For simplicity sake, we’ll run it like the Government’s own policy of drugs, with categories for A, B and C.

Anyone caught in possession class A drugs will earn his manager 100 points, 60 points for class B and 20 points for class C.

Failed tests for steroids and other performance-enhancing pharmaceuticals will earn 15 points with the possible bonus of 10 points if the accused launches an unsuccessful defence.

If he cries on camera, that’s ten more points and if his defence involves the taking of a cold remedy whose label he failed to read, that’s five more points.

Since alcohol consumption remains a mainstay of the British game, the imbibing of it will not be included unless the drinker climbs into a car while under its influence and is apprehended by the police.

For being discovered drink driving, the player will earn his manager 20 points. If he is found slumped at the wheel with his car attempting coitus with a lamppost, that’s 70 points.

Which leads us to the big one. This can change everything. If your season is going nowhere, this gives hope: prison.

For every day your man stay behind bars, we will give you one point. Given the severity of the offence that warrants such a punishment, this will be stretched to include time spent on parole and wearing an electronic tag.

As for rules, you must restrict your choice to the Premier League and make your team up of one goalkeeper playing behind a 4-4-2 formation.

Worst of luck.

Posted: 13th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Red And Blues

‘ON any given day Rupert Murdoch’s Sun can create a lead story out of Manchester United. Today’s is that Juan Veron is not happy with Alex Ferguson. He calls him two-faced.

Are you Brian Clough in disguise?

”Ferguson wasn’t sincere with me,” says the Chelsea player. ”Two months ago a couple of clubs expressed an interest and he said I wasn’t for sale.”

The difference between two months back and now is that a big offer came in for Seba, as Ferguson likes to call him in public, and that the United board realised they had best cut their losses on the expensive flop.

Meanwhile, Veron’s new club are lining up a £20m move for French striker Djibril Cisse.

Should he actually move to Stamford Bridge, the Frenchman (pronounced Dribble) would be the tenth player Roman Abramovich has bought since he took over the club.

But the biggest coup of the season must be that Charlton Athletic have signed Paolo Di Canio on a one-year contract.

The Express hears the team’s manager Alan Curbishley say what a ”brilliant” move it is.

And Di Canio cannot wait for his first game at the Valley. Whether he is as enthusiastic about away trips remains to be seen.

And so the football goes on. And on. And on.

In the Mail, Manchester United have signed Ronaldo – Cristiano Ronaldo.

Apparently he’s Portuguese and a ”wonder boy”. And they have also signed the Brazilian Kleberson, the man with, undoubtedly, the best name in football.

But this is all small fry compared to Chelsea’s mega bucks. And the Sun says that the Blues will now home in on Edgar Davids, Emerson and Christian Vieri.

Meanwhile, Patrick Vieira is set to resign for Arsenal. And the mention of the Gunners brings us back to the Sun, where the Manchester United fanzine is under the impression that Arsenal’s title challenge is over before it has begun.

”Wenger’s strop idols,” puns the paper. ”Gunners will lose title in red mist”.

You’d almost think United were running scared.

Posted: 12th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment


Roeder Out

‘WEST Ham fans are notoriously loyal to the team and the club itself is notoriously loyal to its managers.

Hit the Roed, Glenn – and don’t you come back

But something is going to have to give sooner or later because Hammers fans are furious with what has been going on at the club in recent months.

Chairman Terry Brown is the target of most of the vitriol, but manager Glenn Roeder is a more likely casualty.

Most fans were sceptical about Roeder when he was appointed, but he did much to silence them by taking the club to seventh place in his first season in charge.

However, all the fears resurfaced last year when he seemed incapable of reversing his team’s appalling run of form in the first half of the season.

That he regularly fell out with Paolo Di Canio does not make him unique, but bust-ups with Sebastien Schemmel and David Connolly make one question Roeder’s man management skills.

And his performance in interviews, in which he bridles at any semblance of criticism, suggests Roeder has too thin a skin for top-flight management.

Of course, while West Ham keep winning, fans can overlook many of their manager’s shortcomings.

However, from the evidence of Saturday, there will be plenty of occasion to berate Roeder as a coach.

The defence was as mind-bogglingly appalling as it was for most of last season, conceding a goal after only 90 seconds and giving Preston plenty of hope thereafter.

A manager can only do as well as the material he has to work with, but it is increasingly apparent that Roeder has no idea how to organise the back four to give some semblance of order.

Anton Ferdinand looked out of his depth at right back and Tomas Repka is as much of a liability as he ever was.

The problem with a dodgy defence is not only in the amounts of goals it actually concedes, but in what it does to a team’s confidence.

Conceding soft goals like West Ham did on Saturday demoralises your own team and gives heart to the opposition.

All teams who come up against West Ham this season will always think they have a chance of getting a couple of goals.

If Roeder can’t sort it out on the training pitch, he needs to sort it out in the transfer market. If he can do neither, he needs to hand over to a man who can…

Posted: 12th, August 2003 | In: Back pages | Comment