Davina McCall Swaps Places With Big Brother Housemates
BIG Brother is dead and with it goes Davina McCall, the hostess who now has to carve out a career for herself as something other than a nodding head on “Big Brother’s 1000 Best Bits, Tits and Shits”.
With no time to lose, Davina logs onto Twitter and does her own PR.
“I have a really amazing feeling watching BB now. Like I want to cherish every second… and love it even more if that’s possible.”
Davina will be presenting the show’s 11th and final series on Channel 4 next year, and thereafter she will be free to unleash her talent for saying people’s names really loudly and making the most unattractive, anodyne dross feel like they entertained the unattractive, anodyne dross at home. Davina McCall is the madam for prostitute TV.
Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
7 Things To Do With Big Brother Housemates
BIG Brother is dead. The last people to realise this were the show’s producers at Flat Earth Productions, who have called in Dr Conrad Murray to keep the thing alive.
But it’s no good. The show is dead. And the only thing left to sort is what happens to the housemates?
7 Things To Do With Big Brother Housemates
1. Keep them locked in the house as a living cultural artefact.
2. Secure Digitas to sponsor the show and euthanize the housemates, handing over the remains to Gunther von Hagens for his Body World exhibition, Hissy Fit.
3. Broadcast footage from the house to al Qaeda prisoners and wait for them to talk.
4. The EU Celebrity Mountain is growing too big for the silo and there are fears raised in Brussels that one good sized Greek celebrity or a Berlusconi harem could crash the market in celebrity flesh. Now though emerging markets in the Far East are willing to trade excess celebs for cycling goldfish.
5. A novelty pet for the significant other in your life who finds dogs too thoughtful and cats not bitchy enough.
6. See if they can be blended, in a blender.
7. Test the theory: you can never have too many scarecrows.
8. Ask them to think of three more uses to turn this into a Top Ten.
Posted: 27th, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Armed Police Called To Big Brother Nigger Row
IN “Death of Big Brother”, Daily Star readers who may have mistaken the show for a morbid study of the bits left in the bath after the rest of life has swirled down the plughole, are told that it is an amazingly entertaining thing.
There was a “nigger row, live sex and bullying”. In short, all the elements of a successful big Brother were there, but they just weren’t broadcast.
BIG Brother’s sexiest babe claims TV bosses have covered up racism and bullying to avoid another Jade Goody scandal. Fiery Noirin Kelly says that since Channel 4 axed the 24-hour live feed, viewers are not seeing what’s really going on.
Posted: 21st, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sophie Reade’s Breasts Outgrow Big Brother
BIG Brother sensation as Sophie Reade’s breasts grow before your eyes.
Indeed, dear readers, Big Brother is no longer like watching grass grow. Big Brother requires an entire new language to explain its being.
As Anorak’s pictures show, watching Big Brother is like watching Sophie’s breasts grow.
Of course, it was never always this way. One afternoon, in Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s clinic, Sophie’s breasts grew massively in a very short time. Now they grow by degrees, like two tectonic plates drifting inexorably together to form a massive mountain down which a cascade of asti spumanti can flow, or, should the photographer request it, a river of single cream.
Posted: 14th, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother: Victoria Beckham Lookalike Chanelle Hayes Overdoses
BIG Brother 10: Rodrigo is British, Chanelle Hayes overdoses, Marcus adopts Miley Cyrus asnd Madeleine McCann…
The Sun: “Rodrigo gets his royal wish”
THE Sun continues to feature Big Brother 10 as its lead online story. And news is that Rodrigo has fulfilled his “lifelong dream” and written a letter to Her Majesty Queen.
Big Brother handed Rodrigo a chalk board and chalk and gave him half an hour to write his letter.
How long can it take for the Brazilian write “DIE!” - though, granted, folding the blackboard into the envelope is tricky.
Of course, Rodrigo made NO threat to Her Majesty. Really. Ooer, too late. Call off the police. Rodrigo, run. Run. Mind the gap!
Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother’s Siavash Tells Noirin To Go
BIG Brother is not as terrible as it was a couple of weeks ago. Why is hard to say. It might be the rain, or fumes from Lady Anorak IV’s imported Latvian hairspray.
This week, one of ‘I’m’ Noirin and Marcus Saxondale will be leaving the house.
Marcus loves Noirin. He loves Noirin for the same reason that Siavash loves Noirin, and Sree loved Noirin: she is pretty enough but not too pretty.
She appears accessible. She make ordinary men believe they have chance. She is also so needy that Esther Rantzen has opened a 0800 number for her and Terry Wogan is keen to do a telethon.
Recently, Noirin has taken to smooching Siavash Sabbaghpour. Now Sabbpuss, poor Sabbpuss, dear Sabbpuss, old fat furry cat-puss has been dumped because Noirin’s former boyfriend, US musician Isaac Stout, has been parachuted into her embrace.
Sabbpuss, wake up, and look at this thing that I bring. Look:
Noirin: “Can I say I never wanted this to happen? Can I say that I think you’re a really cool guy.”
You can say whatever you like, Noirin, because Sabbpuss is refreshingly bitter.
Siavash: “What has happened has happened. No grudges. This is three times now Noirin. Three times you’ve f***** me over. Good luck. There’s not much to be said.”
No grudges. Just bitterness.
Wake up, Sabbpuss. Be bright, be golden and light… So can they be, you know, friends?
Noirin: “What would you do if you were in my position?”
Siavash: “I would leave.”
Noirin: “Everyone knows here who was the one chasing me, so don’t f****** act like I’m the one. You’re making out that I should leave because everyone hates me.”
Siavash: “Noirin, what people think of you has got nothing to do with me.”
And so it goes. But who goes? Noirin is 2-9 on to leave. She will go. Big
Brother voters are spiteful to a man and will want to end Noirin’s stay in the limelight.
This leave Marcus with his lamb chops to form an anti-Noirin pact with Sabbpuss, the pair of them sat in a dark corner of a dusty shop waiting for a real life flesh and blood girl to make them come alive.
It promises to be a long wait…
Posted: 30th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother Sree Cuts His Wrists
FORMER BIG Brother housemate Sree Dasari has slashed his wrists. Sree’s TV CV and his state of mind might not be connected. But, still, the Sun calls it a “cry for help”. And then tells readers:
There was no suggestion of a suicide bid.
Posted: 29th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother Housemate Gets Lost
BOIL washed Vanessa Feltz harridan Nikki Grahame comments on Big Brother for OK! magazine, it being the show on which she made her name and frame (she is a celebrity anorexic).
But the Sun reports that Nikki has no idea who the housemates are:
JUST like the vast majority of us, Big Brother veteran Nikki Grahame doesn’t have a clue who anyone in the current series is after entering the house yesterday.
The tantrum-prone BB7 star - known for her “Who is she?” saying - did not seem to recognise 21-year-old glamour girl Karly Ashworth after she challenged her to a dance-off in the silent disco.
Posted: 16th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother Cashes In On Jade Goody
BIG Brother news is that Nasty Nick Bateman of Big Brother 1 repute has “pulled out of a guest turn on Big Brother at the last minute after hearing his fee would be donated to Jade Goody’s charity”.
That’s really nasty.
Big Brother producers have spent an age trying to manufacture a Jade Goody tribute for the show that introduced her to the voracious media. And now Nasty Nick’s gone and ruined it. Tsk!
Who was not hoping that Indian national Sree and the glamour models would trigger a tribute bout of tag-team racism to honour Jade? Would Graham Norton construct an entire post-show show about a contestant’s piggy face, touchingly provided in the form of Porky Pig masks for all housemates? Would everyone get naked, for Jade?
Posted: 14th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Shark Let Loose In Big Brother
PICKING a Big Brother contestant used to be easy: you just told people they’d be on the telly and sat back as tapes of mooning Geordies saying “I’m mad me” and hard-nosed strumpets unburdening themselves for our delight and mocking.
Then CCTV became ubiquitous and everyone was on the telly. And Big Brother producers still had to find a Petri Dish of Housemates (source: Anorak Dictionary), and the EU celebrity mountain was low on talent.
So we get the current cope of media-savvy, talentless, charmless, dull housemates who don’t want to be on the telly – they want to work on the telly.
Posted: 13th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Shock Big Brother Voting Scandal
TO remind you that Big Brother is being broadcast, Channel 4 have courted controversy by asking viewers to vote for Kris and Marcus via a single phone number.
The Sun smells a “voting scandal”, as it must. And the rest of us wonder if anyone who spends money voting on a Big Brother pays the phone bills at the secure institution in which they are housed.
Posted: 8th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother’s Sophie Reade Is Going Bald
BIG Brother was Michael Jackson’s favourite show. Well so he told us. But, then the story goes that Jackson was off his faces on drugs and his second favourite show was Lovejoy.
And the links between Jackson and Big Brother just keep on coming. Not only are both entertainment forms dead, but the house’s resident cosmetic surgery enthusiast Sophie Reade is going bald. Like Michael Jackson:
Says (I’m) Noirin Kelly: “You’re pulling out your hair extensions and the hair’s coming with it! You’re gonna go bald. You’re balding.”
Lisa: “You’re scalp’s terrible.”
Noirin: “You’ve still got a pretty face - that’s all that matters.”
And Anorak wonders. The blonde hair. The fair skin. The hairlessness? The sexless sexual indiscretions?It’s uncanny.
Can it be that Sophie Reade is Jackson’s child?
Add it to the lit of talking points that will follows Jackson’s burial and keep alive the man who will continues to live on in the tabloids long after his burial…
Posted: 6th, July 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother: Kris Rejects Sophie Reade
SEXY Sophie Reade and Kris Donnelly make a “last ditch attempt to heat up Big Brother — sharing a steamy shower”.
So says the Sun, which mistakes failed actor Kris Donnelly and pneumatic topless model Sophie Reade for Big Brother production staff who rely on the show for their money.
The Sun is mistaken. Kris might be a failed actor and occasional model, and Sophie might be an inflatable aid to masturbation, but they are just two humble people in a crazy situation.
Posted: 25th, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother’s Kris Donnelly Is An Actor: Video
SO depleted is the EU Celebrity Mountain, that Big Brother has been forced to look overseas for jobbing wannabes, to Page 3 and to Kris Donnelly, who it turns out is a failed actor who once appeared in a television advert for a New Zealand clothing company called Little Brother.
Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother: Kris Donnelly’s Sophie Reade Romance
IN heat (hate) magazine, Big Brother agonist Kris Donnelly’s best friend says that the watery Russell Brand wannabe’s stroking of Sophie Reade’s arms is “NOT A PROPER RELATIONSHIP”.
Andrew Jones, for it is he, says:
“I think Kris is lonely and likes her company.”
Insightful. Go on:
“I don’t think it’s anything more than that. It’s not a proper relationship. He’s just getting to know her – it’s a holiday romance.”
All very telling stuff. And only added to when Andrew says that Kris does not go for “glamour models”.
Posted: 23rd, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Hunky Kris Donnelly Romps With Sophie Reade
IF this series of Big Brother proves one thing it is that British celebrity talent needs paparazzi and PR to make it shine.
Get this from the Sun:
LOVEBIRDS Kris Donnelly and Sophie Reade look snap happy in this pic on the BB sofa. It was taken with disposable cameras housemates bought with their shop budget.
Posted: 22nd, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
WITH nothing to reports from the Big Brother houzzzzz, the News of the World continues it serialisation of Kris Donnelly’s sex life.
In “SEX mad Kris Donnelly has a head for figures”, “blonde” Cheryl Hosking says “he was busy totting up where she came on his list of conquests.”
One may suggest other reasons for Kris’s counting as he squires Hosking, some of which may explain why he has so many women and feels less inclined to repeat his one minute and 40 seconds of passion.
Last night his ex lover revealed: “I couldn’t believe he’d been doing arithmetic in his head.”
Posted: 21st, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother Sree An ‘Illegal’ Immigrant
HAVING been forced under EU regulations to import wannabes to keep the EU Celebrity Mountain topped up, Big Brother could be in trouble. It turns out that Sree Dasari, aka The Shadow, is in Britain illegally, maybe.
The Sun says that Sree, 25, is visiting from India on a student visa. What he is studying is not said but Anorak believes it to be Noirin Kelly’s back.
Posted: 20th, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cairon Evicted From Big Brother
CAIRON Austin-Hill Evicted From Big Brother.
Cairon will not be a new name that catches on, not even for pets.
It’s Kieran, isn’t it? It is, isn’t it. It’s Kieran Austin-Hill, Jimmy Hill’s long-lost song.
Anorak is right again - did you use our free bet?
Posted: 19th, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Big Brother Bullying Makes Us Cry
CONGRATULATIONS to all of you who chose Week 3 in the Big Brother Bullying Sweepstake.
The Sun brings news that Sree is a victim of housemates’ bullying.
Sree is the one draped over Noirin like a wet flannel. Noirin, who like Sree, Rodrigo, Angel and Cairon has been imported to make up for an alarming shortfall in British wannabes (we are all celebs now, darling), may be the first person to suffocate a housemate live on British telly.
As for the bullying…
Posted: 17th, June 2009 | In: Big Brother, Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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