Battered Fish

‘FISH assaults are mercifully rare. When we say fish assaults, we don’t mean assaults ON fish, of course – although they too are unusual.

Going equipped

We mean incidents in which humans use the innocent fish as an instrument for assault.

After thinking long and hard, we can think of only two famous incidents. One was in the Monty Python fish-slapping dance (ask your father) and the other involved a legendary orgy during a Led Zeppelin tour.

But now comes news of David Wilkins, headmaster of what the Telegraph calls “a middle school in Norwich”, and a young lad, now 12 years old and taking life one day at a time.

A court was told that the boy had been given the fish by a fishmonger on the morning of the incident, and had brandished it while chasing girls, although we must stress there is no suggestion that the fishmonger supplied it for this purpose.

Wilkins, enraged by this behaviour (or possibly just jealous), is alleged to have called the lad a “pathetic creature”, and then, more specifically, a “pathetic animal”.

Finally, having run out of insults, he resorted to violence by putting his victim in a head-lock and trying to stuff the 10-inch cod into his mouth.

“He was pushing it against my teeth,” complained the anonymous child. “It was not very nice.”

Wilkins claims that he simply “bent” the boy towards the fish to encourage him to pick it up.

The Times adds a twist, reporting that the head’s brief claims the phrase “pathetic creature” referred to the fish, not the boy.

Relatives of the fish are considering their legal options.’

Posted: 2nd, October 2003 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink