It’s In The Bag

THE special souvenir edition had been planned.

Each copy of Monday’s Star was to come with a free syringe-shaped kazoo on which readers could play “Here Comes The Bride” and the theme tune from Disney’s Beauty & The Beast. Angela Lansbury would weep.

But things did not go to plan. The Star said Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were to get married over the weekend in a “spiritual ceremony on the beach” in Bali.

The only thing missing was the groom. He’d been ordered by the Beak to check into The Priory clinic for the tired and emotional celebrity.

Meanwhile Kate was in Bali. And the Mail had a shot of her “visage dotted with spots” as she left a local club. She was “sweaty and spotty” in the Mirror. She had a “haunted appearance”. She was “tired, sweaty – and with a crop of pimples” in the Sun. The Express said her “anguish” was visible to all.

It could have been so different. If only Pete had not gone into rehab, Kate could have looked spotty, tired and haunted in the company of her true love. And he could have looked the same; the lovers together – mind, body and complexion as one.

Tuesday brought more news of crazy love. Kola Boof, who claimed to have been Osama bin Laden’s mistress in the 1990s, has written a book called ‘I’ve Been Laid-en’, or something, and in it she told us about life with the world’s most wanted man.

“In his briefcase, I’d come across photos of the star, as well as copies of soft-porn magazines,” she wrote. It all sounded very normal. As with most Western men, Osama’s briefcase contained pornography and, possibly, an egg and cress sandwich, a pair of Marks & Spencer black woollen socks and a picture of Whitney Houston.

Kola said Osama was besotted with Whitney. “He said he had a paramount desire for Whitney, and, although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of one day spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar,” said Kola.

And there was worse. Kola said Osama told her Whitney had been “brainwashed” by American culture and by her husband. The chilling news was that Osama had talked about killing Bobby Brown.

And do not doubt that he knew how. Kola said Osama was prone to “ramble on” about his favourite TV shows – The Wonder Years, Miami Vice and MacGyver.

So if you’re reading this Bobby Brown – and we hope to God you are – look out for a bearded fundamentalist dressed in a pastel pink jacket with rolled up sleeves, driving a fortified Ferrari Daytona Spyder and muttering about “Winnie” and death to all.
And on the subject of driving, Wednesday brought news of Caprice, the mo-del. She had been arrested for drink driving and was appearing in Highbury Magistrates court, London.

PC Paul Flashman was addressing the court. “I could see a white female of scrawny build with bare shoulders in her late 30s wearing heavy make-up and she had a reddened spot on the right centre of her cheek,” said he. Yer honour.

Of course what he meant to say was that at 3:45am on December 10 2005 he had reason to pull over a flawless beauty with to-die-for blonde tresses and skin made of a lustre not seen since the days of Aphrodite in her pomp. Yer honour.

Caprice was banned from driving for 12 months on Friday. She should have taken a taxi. Like Victoria Beckham, who on Thursday was seen spilling out onto a London pavement.

She had a new look. Very soon everybody will be doing it. As soon as Victoria Beckham used her handbag as a hat, we knew we were witnessing the birth of a trend.

Of course not everyone can carry the look off, and for every successful bag-hat adopter, there will be many failures.

Coleen McLoughlin may seek to get the look at Asda, for whom she works, but we warn her that supermarket bags are fashioned from plastic and liable to cause suffocation if worn on the head.

Wise would be the Wags and women who study the picture of Posh wearing her bag (made from breathable leather and diamante) as she made her exit from a London casino.

Posh was celebrating a pal’s birthday and was the worse for wear. And she was without her wedding ring. Was she hinting towards a possible split from husband Day-vid?

We hoped not. And if the Beckhams want to put the magic back in their love life, why, Vicky can always put a bag on her head. She’s done it before.

And on Friday we heard that her fashion sense has scored a show on American TV. They give us gangsta rap, Gap and Jerry Springer, we give them Victoria Beckham and the bag-hat. It’s a fair swap…

Paul Sorene

www.anorak.co.uk

Posted: 26th, August 2006 | In: Broadsheets Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink