Large Hadron Collider: New Labour’s Theme Song To Armageddon
THE Large Hadron Collider is going to kill us all without mercy nor discrimination (although, fair’s fair, the Swiss get it first). Or not.
The Independent cocks an ear to the big looping hole and hears that the theme tune to Satan’s return and so much death is D:Ream’s paean to miserabilism, Things Can Only Get Better.
The song was famously heard at the 1997 victory party of New Labour at the Royal Festival Hall. Says the Indy:
It is a long way from singing the Labour Party anthem “Things Can Only Get Better” to tangling with the fundamental forces of nature but, for Professor Brian Cox of Manchester University, the opening of the Large Hadron Collider will mark the pinnacle of a scientific career that began with a first class physics degree in the mid 1990s, at the same time as he was appearing on Top of the Pops.
The Indy overlooks Tony Blair’s weather machine, and the disappearance of matter in the form of WMD, and looks at Cox’s remarkable career.
From heralding the arrival of Tony Blair to heralding the arrival of the machine that will kill everyone of us…
The boy done good…
September 7th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
A better song to have would be “It’s Not The End Of The World” by Super Furry Animals. Plus a live rendition of Messiaen’s “Quartet For The End Of Time”, just in case.
September 7th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Something by Ugly Rumous, like “Cherie’s a slapper” or “Tony does it for fags”
September 7th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Come on, it’s clear as crystal…
September 7th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
A decade of New Labour has certainly prepared us well for global destruction; you can’t take away from them.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
there’s plenty of suitable chewns….
“It’s the end of the world as we know it ” REM
“Armageddon days are here (again)” The The
anyway… armageddon outta here if these lousy puns continue.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
All the doomsday talk means that anything less than the end of the world will be a disappointment now. And what if they discover nothing at all with the LHC? They’ll have to say, “Well, at least we’re not New Labour.”
September 7th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Come, come; of course they’ll discover something!
Even if it’s only that £5 billion doesn’t go very far these days…
September 8th, 2008 at 12:14 am
I think it was Professor Cox on BBC4 who said that he and the other scientists would find it fascinating if they *didn’t* discover the Higgs-Wotzit. They must be a hit at parties:
“So yeah, we did this fantastic experiment last week where we discovered **absolutely nothing**. The champagne certainly flowed that night I can tell you.”
September 8th, 2008 at 12:36 am
I think discovering ‘absolutely nothing’ would guarantee a Nobel Prize; my only concern is that sooner or later we will all go to the Great Darwin Award in the Sky when someone pushes something which should have been pulled.
However, Anokra has appointed an on-the-spot (or at least, 22 kilometres from on-the-spot) reporter to keep us informed of what it feels like to disappear into a Black Hole, should a Black Hole appear.
He’s still looking for a religious correspondent in case the God particle turns up…
September 8th, 2008 at 7:51 am
Errrrrrrr! Are we not jumping the gun a bit here?
There’s still a wall to be re-built by the errrrrrr …… Christians for the errrrrr - Jews yet isn’t there?
There is still much masonry to be piled up on top of errrrrr ……… masonry - or should that be errrrrr …… Masonry?! lol
September 8th, 2008 at 10:03 am
perhaps they’ll discover that a load of eggheads have had the e.c for several billion dollars.
after all if there turns out to be no need for Higgs Boson to dust off the old walther ppk and save the world because fuck all has happened, it’ll mean they spent all that money on making the ‘oh dear wrong again’ light come on.
on the other hand, if the four horsemen of the apocalypse come tear-arseing out of a hole in the space-time continuum it’ll be the most expensive horse-trampling since the dawn of time.
either way, you’re probably bettter putting your money into northern rock.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:06 am
i’m wondering if i can use it as an excuse to shag one of my work colleagues just before they press the button.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
How about putting all the nuclear and chemical waste next to the Hadron, set a save point like in a computer programmes ,switch on -watch the waste disappear -switch off and restore the earth to where it was at the save point ?
September 9th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
If it was really going to end the world, wouldn’t they stop the scientists before they make a black hole? Besides, we might actually discover something scientific! Like, dark matter. This could prove to be a really significant experiment!!
September 9th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
good by all, exept my thieving ex family