Broadsheets Category
Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
Euro 2008: England Expects The Usual Final
IT’S the morn of the final of Euro 2008 and the papers are celebrating in traditional fashion, as they must for every major football tournament:
STAR ON SUNDAY (front page): “WAG HOLIDAY SECRETS REVEALED”
OBSERVER (front page): “BRAVEHEART – MURRAY GOES THROUGH”
NEWS OF THE WORLD: David Beckham is smiling
Picture: Anorak’s live cam of Vienna ground staff preparing the pitch…
Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment
Bad News: Andrew Pierce On The BBC Breakfast Show
ANDREW Pierce, of the Telegraph, is on BB Breakfast show reviewing the papers. Mr Pierce is a professional journalist and thus recognises the value of research:
On Robert Mugabe:
He’s been voted in for the umpteenth time
On a Russian spy in the Commons:
I won’t every try to pronounce his name
One Mountain Biking:
Pierce is outraged that the 2012 Olympic mountain biking contest will take place in Essex – a place where Pierce says there are no mountains. Only mountain biking does not occur on mountains but in mud, fields and dirt tracks, of which Essex has some…
Look out for Mr Andrew Pierce reviewing the news on the BBC all too soon.
Posted: 29th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Al-Qaeda Chief U Freed To Remain In Prison
“SECOND AL-Qaeda chief to be freed in Britain,” screams the Times.
Secret negotiations have taken place to arrange the release from a British jail of one of al-Qaeda’s most important operatives in Europe, The Times has learnt.
The prisoner, who can be identified only as U, is expected to be released from the high-security wing at Long Lartin jail next week.
It’s too, too terrible. Times readers are outraged:
The suicidal urges of the West are simply without historical precedent in the face of the jihadist danger – Martin, Miami, USA
Its time judges were judged – Cromwell, Leeds, England
No wonder the Germans cheered when Hitler threw the judges and lawyers into Dachau – ed hummer, London
And on the web:
The sun is setting on Great Britain – says JamMie Wearing.
U is going to be free. Well, sort of not:
The authorities are understood to have sought bail terms more stringent than the 22-hour curfew imposed on the radical cleric Abu Qatada when he was freed last week. These conditions would require U to spend all his time indoors.
Security agencies blocked requests for U to live in London claiming that he has extensive contacts among extremist Islamist groups there. They also objected to an address in Brighton. U will be required to wear an electronic tag, subjected to round-the-clock monitoring and forbidden to use the internet or a mobile phone.
U is free to transmit message to Osama bin Laden by ESP, by screaming into his pillow at night or by talking to the plug on his toaster.
He may take to emailing his friends and updating his Faceless Book account – “Kill them all now” – but missives are liable to be screened and recipients flushed out and shot…
Posted: 28th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets | Comment
Arsonists Welcome The Recyclable Bicycle
IN The Times there’s: “Fully recyclable, the bike made out of cardboard.”
Yes, that’s right, a recyclable bike that can be made into paper and, if it rains, papier-mâché. It’s a big improvement on those old-fashioned metal bikes that can be recycled into kettles, foil, more bikes, hat pins, dustbins, pans, pots, staples, armour, scouring pads, hangers, springs, interesting conversation pieces….
A student of industrial design has made a working £15 bicycle out of industrial-strength cardboard. Phil Bridge, 21, of Sheffield Hallam University, said the bike was strong enough for a rider weighing up to 12 stones and would not go soft in the rain, although it has a life expectancy of only about six months.
How much energy does it take to recycle a cardboard bike?
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Posted: 27th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets | Comment
DAvid Fisher’s Jenga Towers
DAVID Fisher, who has never before designed a skyscraper, has created the world’s first rotating towers.
Each floor at his towers to be built in Dubai and Moscow can move. Says he in the Times: “My buildings are unique because they are the first ones to rotate – to be dynamic – every second.”
The Anorak can think of few things less appealing than being sat in an hermitically sealed office block as it revolves high above the desert or through the visible Russian air.
The Times illustrates the unpleasantness with five images of the moving towers, which dissolve like a slinky falling down the stairs from solid structure to the latter moments of a game of Jenga…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True | Comment (1)
Polly Tonybee Overrates The Power Of Newspapers
POLLY Tonybee on newspapers, and their mighty power to give the readers what, er, they wants and expect:
Who’s to blame, and what might be done? Culprit number one is undoubtedly the media, more virulent than in almost any other western democracy, with too many newspapers competing for a shrinking readership. The Mail’s doom-laden poison pretends to speak for an imaginary “middle England”, just as the raucous Sun pretends to speak for a fictitious “white van man”, reflecting back to the nation mythical caricatures of itself. Mercifully, real people are nicer. Three maverick rightwing owners controlling most of the press set the tone and the agenda – bullying the BBC to follow them in the name of “balance”, which the BBC too often does, uncertain of its own compass. Rabidly anti-European, socially penal, xenophobic, anti-state, they spread the simple message that nothing works except markets mitigated by punishment. Instead of breaking away, the dominant voices of the blogosphere often echo and intensify this pessimism and malice.
Shock: We buy what we like…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets | Comment (1)
The CCTV That Hears you Coming
RUN on tip-toes:
British scientists are developing technology that will enable CCTV cameras to “hear” a crime taking place and spin round to capture it on film.
Researchers are working on artificial intelligence software that can recognise sounds such as breaking glass, shouting or crowds gathering, and prompt a camera to swing towards the noise in 300 milliseconds – the same time it would take a person to turn their head if they heard someone scream. The software may eventually be able to identify words that suggest a crime is being committed.
There is no escape for this island race…
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets | Comment (1)
Wimbledon Update: Serena Williams On Barack Obama And God
QUOTE of the day: Serena Williams on the un-god-like Barack Obama:
Not that she affected to care. As a cultural phenomenon, her interests encompass so many spheres that after her 7-5, 6-3 win she was even asked what she thought of Barack Obama’s chances in the US presidential election. It drew a typically head-in-the-clouds answer. “I am excited to see Obama doing his thing. But as a Jehovah’s Witness I don’t get involved in politics. We stay neutral. We don’t vote. We don’t get a part of those worldly things.”
– Oliver Brown, Daily Telegraph
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (3)
Lines On Wimbledon By Serena Williams And Maria Sharapova
FOR as long as Old Mr Anorak can recall Wimbledon meant just one thing: frilly knickers.
Cliff Richard had tried to move the summer event away from knickers toward boating jackets, but his work was undone by Ms Kylie Minogue seeing off the rain in a selection of knickers, culminating in her popping out of the men’s trophy dressed in a gold pair of apple catchers.
Says Maria Sharapova in the Mail:
“I’ve never worn shorts at a Grand Slam. I’m going to be debuting that. Call it menswear, obviously. It’s kind of like a tuxedo look, very simple lines, classic.”
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Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Boris Johnson’s Cigar Case Case
BORIS Johnson has Taria Aziz’s cigar case, or he did:
Would there be anyone so petty, so time-wastingly idiotic, as to complain? Alas, I forgot about the Labour Party. Five years after I found this memento, Labour stooges were recently combing my articles for anything discreditable to a Conservative mayoral candidate.
They found the article, and with bulging eyes they went to the Metropolitan Police and demanded that I be prosecuted. I am accused by my political opponents of removing a cultural artefact from Iraq. As it happens, I also have in my possession a letter from the lawyers of Tariq Aziz, informing me that Mr Aziz wishes me to regard the cigar case as a gift.
But never mind. The file has been opened at Scotland Yard; the proceedings have begun. The poor police have no choice but to investigate this ludicrous affair, and in the interim I am told I must hand the cigar case into police custody – or else be led in manacles from City Hall.
Is it the tobacco?
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment
My Bloody Valentine Take Off Music And Pete Paphides
MY Bloody Valenltine, a pop group, have reformed. Earplugs are handed out to concernt goers. This in the Times:
Just as earthquakes have epicentres, My Bloody Valentine have the co-frontman Kevin Shields – the self-styled architect of the band’s “glide” guitar sound…
So it was a noise? Well, in part, yes. But one of almost subsonic, wind-generating magnitude, such as a space shuttle might make when taking off.
But even space shuttles can’t sustain this whatever-it-was for upwards of 20 minutes. My Bloody Valentine, on the other hand, stood stock-still staring at a crowd who in turn saw fit to react in a number of ways. Most put fingers in ears that already had earplugs in them. Some used phones to photograph the “noise”. In a sort of indie-rock equivalent to theatregoers who pointedly laugh at Shakespearean humour, some closed their eyes and danced along.
Intermission…
Posted: 24th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)
Al Gorean James Hansen Wants Non Warmists Tried And Condemned
GLOBAL Warming. If you disagree with it you should be put on trial. Not agreeing with the Al Goreans should be a criminal offence:
James Hansen, one of the world’s leading climate scientists, will today call for the chief executives of large fossil fuel companies to be put on trial for high crimes against humanity and nature, accusing them of actively spreading doubt about global warming in the same way that tobacco companies blurred the links between smoking and cancer.
The British are just saps, standing under the lamplight smoking a fag while the polar bears drowns:
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (4)
A Chinese Apology
FROM the South China Morning Post:
“A sincere apology to Carlson Tong Ka-shing for the serious error in this column last week. Mr Tong recently stepped down as chairman of the listing committee of the Hong Kong stock exchange, having served on the committee for six years, the maximum term permitted under the listing rules. This is what was originally written. Unfortunately, during the editing process, it was misinterpreted and erroneously reported as “Carlson Tong Ka-shing who has been jailed for six years”, which is completely false“.
Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True | Comments (4)
Why Papers Love Wimbledon
RUB your hands on your flannels and say “Change Ends!” to the Sun’s “Perfect 10s of tennis”.
It’s Wimbledon and Sun has dusted off the puns to bring us the “Perfect 10s of tennis”, the “cream of the courts” getting “a strawberry fruitiness rating out of five”.
It’s head turning stuff:
Russian doll MARIA SHARAPOVA is just 21 but has already shown smashing form on grass…
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Posted: 23rd, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Burnham Breeches: Chakrabarti And David Davis’s Noble Stance
ANDY Burnham, the Culture Secretary considers things David Davis and tells left wing Progress magazine:
To people who get seduced by Tory talk of how liberal they are, I find something very curious in the man who was, and still is I believe, an exponent of capital punishment, having late-night, hand-wringing, heart-melting phone calls with Shami Chakrabarti
Chakrabarti is the director of Liberty, the civil liberties group. The Times’ Ann Treneman writes that “there is a rumour that David Davis resigned after being bewitched by Shami. She denied this, but then she would.”
David Davis responds: “Labour has now resorted to personal smears and lies rather than make its case for 42 days detention without charge and for the other illiberal measures it has taken.”
That sounds like an over-reaction to an over-reaction to a crass comment, but then there is by-election to be fought and Burnham’s office calls it “by-election political knockabout and nothing else”.
Burnham’s office goes on to say:
Nothing more should be read into it and no personal offence was intended to Shami Chakrabarti.
End of. David Davis is not shagging Mrs Chakrabarti, nor is he engaging in phone sex with her, nor is he reading passages aloud from Mill & Boon’s Noble Stance series. Move on. Or not.
A letter is, apparently, sent to Andy Burnham, the Attorney General, and Gordon Brown, by one Shami Chakrabarti:
I am writing in relation to your recent article in the ironically titled “Progress” magazine. In that article you set out to smear my dealings with the former Shadow Home Secretary. I must say that I find this behaviour curious, coming as it does from a Cabinet Minister; let alone someone with a partner and family of his own.
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Posted: 20th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (2)
The Top Ten Lapdancing Songs Ever
THE Government is advocating tough new controls on lap-dancing clubs.
No small worry for men for whom lap dancing is just about the only dancing they can do, the 21st century equivalent of the Madness moonstomp and the jive.
The Independent says 50 Labour MPs are demanding that ministers close a planning loophole that allows councils to treat the clubs in the same way as cafes.
In the Times, the unlikely named Josephine Moulds says:
Lap dancing is the ultimate tease… Only the punters are bound by the “no touching” rule. Dancers can get as close as they want, grinding into a man’s lap and simulating sex. A girl will suck her own nipples, pushing them tantalisingly close to the punter’s mouth…The whole thing lasts little more than two minutes.
For such reasons the Top 10 Lap Dancing Song Ever are all less than two minutes long. That Top 10 in full, available on Anorak Records:
I Am What I Am – Jonas Brothers (2:00)
Frank’s Wild Years – Tom Waits (1:34)
Carrie – Cliff Richard (1:59)
There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma – St. Winifred’s School Choir (1:43)
The Birdie Dance – The Tweets (1:29)
The Flight Of The Bumblebee – Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov (1min)
Tiger Feet – Mud (1:59)
Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini – Timmy Mallett (1:09)
Back Home – England World Cup Squad (2.00)
Remember You’re A Womble – The Wombles (1:37)
Bonus track:
Rabbit – Chas and Dave (That’ll be extra)
And many many more…
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (12)
Human Tetris On The BBC
SAYS the Telegraph:
“The latest BBC venture to evoke thunderous disapproval is its purchase of a Japanese show format, which compels contestants to contort themselves into odd shapes to fit through a giant advancing screen in a human version of the computer game Tetris.”
Broadsheet thunder, much like tabloid “fury”, is actually the sound made by a hack’s finger pressing f8 on their keyboard.
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, TV & Radio | Comments (3)
Headless Chickens, Dead Horses And Toasted Saints At The Toaster At The Biennial of Sydney
IT’S “this year’s” “Biennial of Sydney, reports the Sydney Morning Herald.
An exhibition by the Australian artist Mike Parr, which includes a film showing a live chicken being decapitated, has prompted a complaint to the RSPCA and a visit from police.
The film is being screened in a derelict building on Cockatoo Island… It is one of 17 works by Parr included in a confronting show called Mirror/Arse, which documents his “most daring and demanding” performances and explores “trauma and subjectivity”.
The police officers who visited the exhibition yesterday were overheard expressing astonishment and disgust at work, which includes footage of Parr sitting in a chair slicing his arm with a blade and holding his index finger over a lit candle until his skin burns.
Also in show is Western Christian Civilisation by the Argentinian artist Leon Ferrari.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Strange But True | Comments (20)
Britain Is World’s Biggest Arms Exporter
IT’S the ethical foreign policy:
London Britain was the world’s biggest arms seller last year, accounting for a third of global arms exports, the Government’s trade promotion organisation said.
UK Trade and Investment (UKTI) said that arms exporters had added £9.7 billion in new business last year, giving them a larger share of global arms exports than the United States.
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment (1)
Chavscot: Getting ‘Em Off At Ascot
IT’S Chavscot, the Ascot racing jamboree, staged in a beery hall by a circular midget farm in Surrey.
The Independent leads with a picture of two women dressed in matching day-glo dresses and feathery hats. Below them is the headline: “GM crops needed in Britain says minister.”
Well, we’ve already got GM people, dressed the same, behaving the same, homogenised by a diet of Bacardi Breezers, curry sauce and horse manure.
And they’re told what to wear by the Duke of Devonshire, who decreed that anyone entering the Royal enclosure should not wear mini skirts or strappy dresses (back to the closet, Eddie) and avoid streaky bottle tan, electing instead to bronze on a former plantation in the Caribbean.
The Telegraph Bryony Gordon wants to fit in and in “Ditch the decorum for a day at Royal Ascot” is advised by a “kind soul” to act like a lady.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Big Brother 9: Alexandra de Gale Is A Media Genius
BIG Brother 9 Watch: Anorak’s looks at Big Brother news in the media…
SO goodbye Alexandra De Gale, tabloid Big Brother bully elect.
The Guardian says de Gale was removed from the show for “behaving in an unacceptable and sometimes intimidating manner towards fellow housemates”.
Says the Guardian: “Big Brother ousts contestant over alleged gangster threats.”
De Gale suggested her fellow contestants would face retribution from her “gangster friends” after they nominated her for eviction: “But like I say, I get to go out, see everyone’s friends, I get to see their family. I get to do the shit that I wanna do. Pow, pow, pow.”
Alexandra is either an insecure, mentally negligible fool or a consummate media player.
She’s the Big Brother gangster! This is the slice of life stuff the newspapers want. What regret that the kitchen was not modelled on a kebab shop.
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Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (31)
Tabloid Pun Of The Day: Wimbledon
TABLOID Pun Of The Day:
Wimbledon tennis fortnight’s a smash for the short-term let
– The new tabloid Daily Telegraph
Posted: 19th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Madeleine McCann: Speculation As Fact, Newspapers Speak With One Voice And OAP Dead
MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
The newspapers continue to rely on press releases and Gerry McCann’s blog for their investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.
THE SUN: “Maddie police files to open”
KATE and Gerry McCann will soon have access to police files covering the search for missing daughter Maddie
This is presented as a fact.
Says the McCanns’ spokesman Clarence Mitchell: “We’ve heard nothing officially, but if it’s true judicial secrecy has been lifted we welcome it.”
So how does the Sun know about the police files?
THE STAR: “MADDIE COPS TO SHOW MCCANNS EVIDENCE”
Gerry and Kate McCann will be given full access to confidential case files, Portugal’s top law officer revealed yesterday.
Portugal’s top legal eagle told them? But how does the Star know?
DAILY MAIL: “MCCANNS TO FINALLY FIND OUT ‘EVIDENCE’ MADELEINE POLICE HAVE AGAINST THEM”
Attorney general Fernando Jose Pinto Monteiro told daily newspaper 24 Horas: “From July, the (Madeleine) case will cease to be covered by judicial secrecy, and will be available to consultation by all parties involved. I do not know which date, but in July the case ceases to be covered by judicial secrecy.”
That’s right – this latest McCann story is rooted in an opinion voiced in a Portuguese newspaper.
Says the Mail: “24 Horas speculated the judicial secrecy will end on July 14 – more than 10 months after the couple were named suspects.”
Speculated? But what of the facts? Well, here they are:
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Posted: 18th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Madeleine McCann, Tabloids | Comments (478)
George Monibot On Bush And Wealth
GEORGE Monbiot looks into the crystal ball at George Bush:
We shouldn’t be surprised to hear that George Bush dined with a group of historians on Sunday night. The president has spent much of his second term pleading with history. But however hard he lobbies the gatekeepers of memory, he will surely be judged the worst president the United States has ever had.
Even if historians were somehow to forget the illegal war, the mangling of international law, the trashing of the environment and social welfare, the banking crisis, and the transfer of wealth from rich to poor…
Yeah, what a loser…
Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (2)
Why Roger Parry Gave Up The BBC
ROGER Parry is non-executive chairman of Johnston Press, magazine publisher Future, online pollsters YouGov and mobile phone content provider Mobile Streams. He once worked at the BBC:
Although he completed a masters in economics and management at Oxford, it was actually down the pub where he had the “epiphany moment” that saw him embark on a career in business. “I had been a broadcast journalist for seven years and only decided to leave the BBC when I was assigned to cover the Notting Hill Carnival for the third year running,” he says.
“I went with the same camera crew and sat on the roof of the same pub as before. We were sent there waiting for trouble but we spent the whole afternoon drinking beer and nothing happened. I thought to myself, ‘I can’t do this again… I’ll go nuts’.”
It’s how the news works…
Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Money | Comment
