Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
HEADLINES like “WE‘RE ALL F***ED” (all papers) might have led readers to believe that the world’s economy was in freefall and we were all doomed to rearing turnips as a source of fuel, housing and good, clean, honest fun.
Now the Times says we’ve been to “Hell and back”. The Express leads with “SHARE BOOM SENSATION”. “The panic is over…possibly,” says the Independent. And the Sun commands readers to “FILL YOUR BOOTS”.
We’ve never had it so good.
(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)
And that goes for Gordon Brown, too, who is the recipient of the Guardian’s non-sequitur of the decade: “After the crash, a record bounce – and Brown fightback begins.”
How can I say what my new performance will be about? It’s impossible, and there can be no diagnosis until the audience takes what they get, the medicine on the spoon…
It just happens that I’m acting because I’m in the process of meeting someone, myself, on the way back…
It is the same thing whether I’m painting or acting. The common denominator is in the movement. I don’t dance but I paint in the air. Or I don’t paint, but I dance on the paper…
Look out for Juliette dancing with Juliette on Strictly Come Painting…
“A cabinet of minnows and spineless backbenchers include many – perhaps most – who want Brown gone, but lack the nerve to act. They wait for someone else, for Brown to walk away or for a proverbial bus to save them from the task” – Polly Tonybee, Sep 6, 2008
Not to be confused with this Polly Tonybee:
“…as they stepped into No 10 yesterday, here was as decent and clever a team of ministers as ever graced the cabinet table. Two Milibands, Ed Balls, Jackie Smith, Harriet Harman, Alan Johnson, Douglas Alexander, Peter Hain and Hilary Benn – with the likes of John Denham and Yvette Cooper in attendance – present a good front. It’s certainly the most genuinely united government in living memory” – Polly Tonybee, June 29 2007
Consistency is what we’re after…
BARACK Obama is partying with his celebrity backers at the Greystone Mansion, California, followed by entertainment by Barbra Streisand at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel. It’s what the elite do. Says Obama:
“It’s about those who will never see the inside of a building like this.”
The pastor whose prayer Sarah Palin says helped her to become governor of Alaska founded his ministry with a witchhunt against a Kenyan woman who he accused of causing car accidents through demonic spells.
SIMON Barnes, the Times’s Sports Columnist of the Year, is talking about Al Sugar, Manchester City and how football clubs have become rich man’s play things, as opposed to in those halcyon days of the minimum wage, when football clubs were, er, rich men’s play things.
Football is like a bird attached to a brick by a strong piece of elastic. The bird is flying skywards with all its might and there are only two things that can happen. Either the elastic will break or the brick will hit the bird up the arse. The bird is the billionaire owner, the brick is the supporters.
And the Sky in which it flies is the big money broadcaster which has done more to change football than any multi-millionaire, billionaire or trillionaire…
Not that Barnes notices. The Times is, incidentally, owned by the same company that owns Sky TV…
After yesterday’s news of the Lancashire mafia, today we learn that the Italian mafia have noted the threat, moving to nip in the bud the threat posed by Morris’s Quality Bakers, (Baker Street, Coppull, Chorley).
The Guardian reports that “city officials and investigators suspect Camorra clans are behind many of the 1,400 unlicensed backstreet bakeries in and around the city which supply hundreds of street vendors who sell loaves out of car boots – and they may be spreading into selling other basic food products.”
Yeah, car boots. Shoppers would do well to check the rolls for signs of blood and bits of missing person’s teeth and hair.
BARRY Gardiner is the Member of Parliament for Brent North and Gordon Brown’s Special Envoy for Forestry.
Now Barry Gardiner is the former Special Envoy for Forestry, having resigned his position to go onto pastures new. Incidentally this is the same Barry Gardiner who told us:
“The public has stopped listening to Gordon Brown. He is not a popular prime minister, but he would continue to have my support if he showed sound judgment, international leadership and political vision. Instead we have vacillation, loss of international credibility and timorous political manoeuvres that the public cannot understand.”
Gardiner says he resigned:
Kate McCann’s Diary extracts are published. Now read on…
DAILY EXPRESS: “HEARTBREAK DIARY REVEALS KATE’S ANGER AND DESPAIR”
In one heartbreaking entry Kate writes: “Can’t stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear and pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this? This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please God, bring her back.”
Can’t stop writing about Madeleine… What says the “WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”?
Last night experts said Kate’s emotions read like those of a bereaved mother.
Can’t pull the wool over the Express’ experts…
Chartered psychologist Dr Rick Norris said: “The diary shows she is an intelligent woman who is able to articulate her feelings on paper.”
Get a load of that spelling…
“This is a horrible situation – every parent’s worst nightmare.”
So says the expert reading from the big tabloid book of expert quotes.
THE TIMES: “One year on, missing Andrew Gosden is still a blank space in family’s heart”
Andrew Godsen is missing. He ran away form home one year ago. He was 14. Watch the parents…
As with the parents of Madeleine McCann, the Gosdens are leading a life suspended. Unlike the McCanns, they have not done so in a blaze of global publicity and suspicion. Mr Gosden said that he and his wife felt “deeply, deeply sorry” for Gerry and Kate McCann and suspected that the two families “have an awful lot in common”, in all but one respect.
Andrew Godsen ran away. Did Madeleine McCann?
“You get a lot of press if your child is little, blonde and female, but it hurts just as much when you’re missing a teenage son.”
Historians in Surrey have documentary proof that the game was being played in the UK before America. A diary entry which talks about a game played in Guildford, Surrey in 1755 has been verified as authentic by the Surrey History Centre.
The Surrey History Centre, where highlights include The Philip Bradley Fairground Collection and Dennis Specialist Vehicles.
A health and safety inspector had to be rescued by firefighters after he fell from a ladder while he was carrying out a risk assessment.
Before we fail this under “Beyond Parody”, let’s investigate further.
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Italy’s Madeleine McCann ‘found safe and well after four years’”
Italy has it’s own Maddie. Like Isreal? Are we working throught alphabet? If so, look out Jamaica…
Urgent DNA tests are being carried out on the eight year old girl found in Greece to see if she is Denise Pipitone, who vanished in 2004. She missing from outside her grandmother’s house while playing.
Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”
In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC – or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat – we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.
Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…
DAILY MIRROR: “McCANNS HEADHUNT COPS FOR NEW MADDY SEARCH”
The Find Madeleine Fund has asked for lists of retired or about-to-retire officers from forces across the country.
Beats playing golf… What do we know so far?
Craig Meehan, her former live-in adult male role model, foerm lover of mother Karen Matthews, has been in court to answer charges of having indecent images of children on his PC. Meehan denies any wrongdoing.
The papers have the details…
What conception could Dr Mengele have had of the medical work he did in the camp? His experiments, lacking scientific value, were no more than foolish playing, and all his activities were full of contradictions.
A FUNERAL for trees. Let us pray. Dear, Great Sycamore…
Of course, global warmists are just Catholics:
CREDIT Crunch news of the day:
“Tooth fairy gives less during credit crunch”
The credit crisis has claimed its latest victim – the tooth fairy – Daily Telegraph
The average amount left under a pillow for a tooth has dropped from £1.22 to 87p in the past six months, according to research. Says one fairy: “It’s the transport costs.”
“CREDIT CRUNCH IS KILLING US”
IS there one story that sums up the new tabloid-focused Daily Telegraph? This comes close:
A Michelin-starred restaurant chain part-owned by the actor Robert De Niro is serving endangered bluefin tuna at its London outlets without telling customers, DNA tests have shown.
DNA test on food. Make that DNA tests on celebrity food. And why no kangaroo?
WHEN newspapers investigate, journalism is saved:
SAYS EU Ref: “No messing – no irony: this is truly good journalism, a job that only the media can do. The Sunday Times has run a “sting” operation on a corrupt EU official in Brussels. The story opens as follows:”
SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the news…
DAILY MAIL: “Anger at fake Sarah Palin photos as smear campaign makes her ‘look like a stripper’”
Sarah Palin’s credibility as a possible American Vice-President is being undermined by a series of spoof photographs circulated on the internet.
So says the Mail, whioch in the interests of good reporting, reports the news of the fake photos and – get this – the fake photos…on the, er, internet.
Say what you like about Alaska – but you don’t have to dig far to hit the crude stuff…
“PALIN: the real scandal. Leonard Doyle in Anchorage Alaska investigates the damning environmental record of the woman who may soon be in the White House”
Isn’t the Indy’s woman in thermal underwear in Alaska to check out a woman who may not have been vetted properly?
DAILY MIRROR (front page): “WE’VE SPENT £1M HUNTING FOR MADDIE.”
Kate and Gerry McCann Exclusive: We’ve spent £1m hunting Maddy – EXCLUSIVE McCanns vow to keep searching
THE SUN: “McCanns spend £1m on Maddie search” – Not exclusive.
THE MIRROR: “The couple have shielded the twins from what few facts are known about Madeleine’s disappearance in May last year.”
A few facts? There is only one fact: a child disappeared.
SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the news…
“Palin wants it to look as if she’s too busy to spend time on her hair, but this style would take a good hour to do at home,” says Brendan Fowles at Daniel Galvin who “barracuda’d me” for the princely sum of £75.
The hair, or the pelt, as Sarah Palin calls it…
“She’s got very good hair but you need to put curlers in the whole head first, to get the volume, tie it tightly into a pony-tail and then pin down the bits at the back so that they look artfully tousled. The look is feminine without being feminine but quite repressed, and because of that oddly sexy.” – Celia Waldon, Tabloid Telegraph
Any more political insight?