Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
SAYS the Telegraph: “Financial crisis: Bradford & Bingley nationalisation will cost taxpayers £150bn.”
So says the Telegraph, which should note that it won’t it will only cost the British taxpayer £150bn if not a single one of B&B’s debtors repays their mortage..
But still, let’s try and make things sound worse than they are…
IN The Telegraph Tim Walker says Margaret Hodge is planning to leave the cabinet…
Your thoughts as to why she should do so now…
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “The News Quiz”
As The News Quiz returns, host Sandi Toksvig tells James Walton why it’s lasted so long – despite the ‘galling’ low pay she and her guests receive
Is Our Maddie fair game for comedy?
Needless to say, some news stories are funnier than others. (The show, for example, steered well clear of Madeleine McCann.) Fortunately, even in the darkest times, “politicians have the most staggering skill at producing material for us”. With that 66th series about to begin, Toksvig now finds herself “terribly grateful to Sarah Palin. For comedy writers, she’s just heaven.”
EUROGAMER: “Maddie reference spotted in Bungie trailer”
Speculation is mounting that the new trailer for Bungie’s next Halo project features a reference to missing five year-old Madeleine McCann.
In the Guardian’s article on a “surge in support for far right” in Austria threatens to make the country a haven of closested neo-Nazia (plus ca change), readers hear from one Karl Friedrich.
Karl is “proud to live in Karl Marx Hof, Vienna’s vast monument to municipal socialism. But not as proud as he used to be.”
“We had great times here. There were artists and writers all around. Great parties. They’re all gone now,” says the former communist. “Now half the families in my block are immigrants. They can’t speak German. They can’t even speak English.”
Yeah, they can;t even speak English in Vienna. The swine.
“We have worked it out,” says the Indy’s front page
All you need is 5,000 bodyguards – £1.5million security blitz to protect Macca from security threats,” says the Mirror, in words that Yasser Arafat look-alike Ringo Starr would put to music.
But what if… what if Macca is killed?
Solar power, with its promise of emissions-free renewable energy, boasts a growing number of fans. Some of them, it turns out, are thieves. Just ask Glenda Hoffman, whose fury has not abated since 16 solar panels vanished from her roof in this sun-baked town in three separate burglaries in May, sometimes as she slept. She is ready if the criminals turn up again.
“I have a shotgun right next to the bed and a .22 under my pillow,” Ms. Hoffman said.
POLAR Bear Watch: Anorak’s look at polar bears in the news…
KNUT, the German polar bear the Guardian calls an “activist” for global warming, is alive. But his former keeper is not. Thomas Doerflein has died.
THE INDEPENDENT reports: “Love story: Knut mourns his keeper”. Or as the experts put it:
Berlin Zoo yesterday categorically ruled out suggestions that Knut would experience feelings of loss as a result of his keeper’s passing. “It won’t be a problem for him,” said Klaus Lüdcke, a Berlin zoologist, “Knut has been looked after by a whole team – and for him the most important person is the one who brings the food.”
And Doerflein: “He said that he could wish the bear no better first-birthday present than permanent separation.”
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Baroness Neuberger: Children will grow up not trusting anyone in Britain’s risk-averse society”
Recent figures show there are no men under 25 working in England’s state-run nurseries, such is the fear of being branded a paedophile…
But no figures are given. How many men used to work in state-run nurseries? The Telegraph does not say; but it does find time to tell readers that:
“Her comments come amid increasing concerns that Government policies are poisoning relationships between people.”
Since July 2007 it has been a criminal offence to “procure, test, process or distribute” any gametes (sperm and eggs) intended for human application without a licence from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority.
Can the Guardian be right? Is it illegal to process and distribute sperm? Do men need a licence..?
CHRISTIANITY TODAY: “Christians pray for missing Madeleine”
Christians around the world joined in prayer on Friday for the safe return of missing Madeleine McCann and the release of all children held by criminal networks.
Do the Christians know what happened to Madeleine, then?
The worldwide day of prayer was organised by the Madeleine Prayer Circle.
ALICE WALKER is looking at Barack Obama and John McCain, and seeking Fidel Castro. No, not dear Che Guevara; he’s easy to find:
This is what I want for our country, more than anything. I want a leader who can love us.. But when the lights are out and I’m left with just the stars in a super-dark sky, and I feel the new intense chill that seems to be the underbreath of even the hottest day, when I know that global warming may send our planet into a deep freeze even before my remaining years run out, then I think about what it is that truly matters to me. Not just as a human, but as an American.
She wants Fidel to keep her cool at night. As Norm says:
The real-life stresses and strains of being married to an investment banker forms the backdrop to Katherine Bucknell’s bestselling US novel Canarino; Here she explains what the repercussions are for the families caught up in the latest financial meltdown…
At last, someone to make sense of it all…
For every vanished pile there will be crying children, an angry spouse, unemployed builders and domestic help, goods left on shop shelves, flats and houses available to rent or buy, empty restaurants, and villages in Africa that don’t get their new water pump after all.
HEADLINES like “WE‘RE ALL F***ED” (all papers) might have led readers to believe that the world’s economy was in freefall and we were all doomed to rearing turnips as a source of fuel, housing and good, clean, honest fun.
Now the Times says we’ve been to “Hell and back”. The Express leads with “SHARE BOOM SENSATION”. “The panic is over…possibly,” says the Independent. And the Sun commands readers to “FILL YOUR BOOTS”.
We’ve never had it so good.
(Image: Beau Bo D’Or Website)
And that goes for Gordon Brown, too, who is the recipient of the Guardian’s non-sequitur of the decade: “After the crash, a record bounce – and Brown fightback begins.”
How can I say what my new performance will be about? It’s impossible, and there can be no diagnosis until the audience takes what they get, the medicine on the spoon…
It just happens that I’m acting because I’m in the process of meeting someone, myself, on the way back…
It is the same thing whether I’m painting or acting. The common denominator is in the movement. I don’t dance but I paint in the air. Or I don’t paint, but I dance on the paper…
Look out for Juliette dancing with Juliette on Strictly Come Painting…
“A cabinet of minnows and spineless backbenchers include many – perhaps most – who want Brown gone, but lack the nerve to act. They wait for someone else, for Brown to walk away or for a proverbial bus to save them from the task” – Polly Tonybee, Sep 6, 2008
Not to be confused with this Polly Tonybee:
“…as they stepped into No 10 yesterday, here was as decent and clever a team of ministers as ever graced the cabinet table. Two Milibands, Ed Balls, Jackie Smith, Harriet Harman, Alan Johnson, Douglas Alexander, Peter Hain and Hilary Benn – with the likes of John Denham and Yvette Cooper in attendance – present a good front. It’s certainly the most genuinely united government in living memory” – Polly Tonybee, June 29 2007
Consistency is what we’re after…
BARACK Obama is partying with his celebrity backers at the Greystone Mansion, California, followed by entertainment by Barbra Streisand at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel. It’s what the elite do. Says Obama:
“It’s about those who will never see the inside of a building like this.”
The pastor whose prayer Sarah Palin says helped her to become governor of Alaska founded his ministry with a witchhunt against a Kenyan woman who he accused of causing car accidents through demonic spells.
SIMON Barnes, the Times’s Sports Columnist of the Year, is talking about Al Sugar, Manchester City and how football clubs have become rich man’s play things, as opposed to in those halcyon days of the minimum wage, when football clubs were, er, rich men’s play things.
Football is like a bird attached to a brick by a strong piece of elastic. The bird is flying skywards with all its might and there are only two things that can happen. Either the elastic will break or the brick will hit the bird up the arse. The bird is the billionaire owner, the brick is the supporters.
And the Sky in which it flies is the big money broadcaster which has done more to change football than any multi-millionaire, billionaire or trillionaire…
Not that Barnes notices. The Times is, incidentally, owned by the same company that owns Sky TV…
After yesterday’s news of the Lancashire mafia, today we learn that the Italian mafia have noted the threat, moving to nip in the bud the threat posed by Morris’s Quality Bakers, (Baker Street, Coppull, Chorley).
The Guardian reports that “city officials and investigators suspect Camorra clans are behind many of the 1,400 unlicensed backstreet bakeries in and around the city which supply hundreds of street vendors who sell loaves out of car boots – and they may be spreading into selling other basic food products.”
Yeah, car boots. Shoppers would do well to check the rolls for signs of blood and bits of missing person’s teeth and hair.
BARRY Gardiner is the Member of Parliament for Brent North and Gordon Brown’s Special Envoy for Forestry.
Now Barry Gardiner is the former Special Envoy for Forestry, having resigned his position to go onto pastures new. Incidentally this is the same Barry Gardiner who told us:
“The public has stopped listening to Gordon Brown. He is not a popular prime minister, but he would continue to have my support if he showed sound judgment, international leadership and political vision. Instead we have vacillation, loss of international credibility and timorous political manoeuvres that the public cannot understand.”
Gardiner says he resigned:
Kate McCann’s Diary extracts are published. Now read on…
DAILY EXPRESS: “HEARTBREAK DIARY REVEALS KATE’S ANGER AND DESPAIR”
In one heartbreaking entry Kate writes: “Can’t stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear and pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this? This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please God, bring her back.”
Can’t stop writing about Madeleine… What says the “WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”?
Last night experts said Kate’s emotions read like those of a bereaved mother.
Can’t pull the wool over the Express’ experts…
Chartered psychologist Dr Rick Norris said: “The diary shows she is an intelligent woman who is able to articulate her feelings on paper.”
Get a load of that spelling…
“This is a horrible situation – every parent’s worst nightmare.”
So says the expert reading from the big tabloid book of expert quotes.
THE TIMES: “One year on, missing Andrew Gosden is still a blank space in family’s heart”
Andrew Godsen is missing. He ran away form home one year ago. He was 14. Watch the parents…
As with the parents of Madeleine McCann, the Gosdens are leading a life suspended. Unlike the McCanns, they have not done so in a blaze of global publicity and suspicion. Mr Gosden said that he and his wife felt “deeply, deeply sorry” for Gerry and Kate McCann and suspected that the two families “have an awful lot in common”, in all but one respect.
Andrew Godsen ran away. Did Madeleine McCann?
“You get a lot of press if your child is little, blonde and female, but it hurts just as much when you’re missing a teenage son.”
Historians in Surrey have documentary proof that the game was being played in the UK before America. A diary entry which talks about a game played in Guildford, Surrey in 1755 has been verified as authentic by the Surrey History Centre.
The Surrey History Centre, where highlights include The Philip Bradley Fairground Collection and Dennis Specialist Vehicles.
A health and safety inspector had to be rescued by firefighters after he fell from a ladder while he was carrying out a risk assessment.
Before we fail this under “Beyond Parody”, let’s investigate further.
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Italy’s Madeleine McCann ‘found safe and well after four years’”
Italy has it’s own Maddie. Like Isreal? Are we working throught alphabet? If so, look out Jamaica…
Urgent DNA tests are being carried out on the eight year old girl found in Greece to see if she is Denise Pipitone, who vanished in 2004. She missing from outside her grandmother’s house while playing.
Gill Hornby: “Before the world ends, I just wanted to say: I told you so”
In my own branch of Astrophysics, CKtC – or, to give it its full name, Curiosity Killed the Cat – we jolly well wish they wouldn’t.
Stalking celebrities for science: Alexander Fsachem needs celebs to make sense of the universe on the BBC…