Broadsheets | Anorak - Part 30

Broadsheets Category

Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers

The Flawless Cocktail: £35,000 A Pop

WHAT footballers will be spraying over the dance floor and self-centred featured topless stunnas this Christmas: the £35,000 a glass cocktail, The Flawless.

As the Guardian reports, the Movida nightclub, a hangout of celebrities, footballers and their entourages has created a new drink.

“The cocktail consists of a large measure of Louis XII cognac, half a bottle of Cristal Rose champagne, some brown sugar, angostura bitters and a few flakes of 24-carat edible gold leaf.”

Interestingly: “The drink is described as warming and refreshing, but that is not the main reason for the exorbitant cost: at the bottom of the crystal glass is an 11-carat white diamond ring.”

Alternative names for this taseteful cocktail include: The Prawn Cocktail, The Rooney Auldbanger, The Diamond White or The Jasper Carat.

Which burping footballer will be the first to propose in such a fashion? Or sell it as a signature perfume?

Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (2)

Great Christmas Gifts: A Box Of New York Leaves

AS it says:



What can Londoners box and sell?


Posted: 6th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Jet-Ski Rider Torments Dolphins

dolphinski.jpg“JET-SKI rider is fined £500 for tormenting dolphins”.

So says the Times at the head of its tale of how Nicol Wood has been convicted of piloting his jet-ski recklessly close of dolphins in the Moray Firth.

But “tormenting” suggests so much more. And we wonder if dolphins really are caused vexation and pain by a man showing off on a jet-ski? Do dolphins dream of straddling such a contraption? And has anyone thought to ask them?

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Arrange Me A Celebrity Marriage: Cerys Matthews And Marc Bannerman Are One

cerys-marc.jpgHEADLINES such as “CERYS: I’M DYING TO SEE MARC”, “Bits all over the front page” (both Mirror) and “Cerys: My celebrity soul mate Marc” (Express) may have created the impression that Cerys Matthews and Marc Bannerman are inseparable.

It’s another triumph for the reality TV show dating game. That forthright Scots Asian woman on BBC TV’s Arrange Me A Marriage should care to note that to find a love interest, Britons need not only copious doses of alcohol, recreational drugs and a secluded spot by the bins but also to perform before a myriad cameras.

So here’s more news of Cerys and Marc, the new Peter and Jordan, who were the old Chantelle and Preston, speaking of their undying love for one another.

As the Mirror says, “Both have signed big-money deals to talk about their burgeoning romance.” Indeed. But they have so far done their talking apart.

Cynics might suppose that it is all some kind of scam, especially those Mail readers who saw the headline “the celebrity love sham”.

But what matter if Marc and Cerys are in it for the fame and the money? They both want the same things, which makes them compatible.

That pushy woman on Arrange Me A Marriage might well nod. This is, after all, romance with a dowry…

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Spice Girls Give It Whirl Power

spice-girls-1.jpgThe Spice Girls reform before our eyes…

IT is a credit to this nation that a middle-aged single mum with ginger hair, wearing the kind of Union Flag outfit rarely seen beyond the confines of a provincial shopping precinct at chucking out time can make it to the Mirror’s front page.

So too the front page of the Telegraph. “Is this really what we want?” asks the Telegraph (“BRITAIN’S BEST-SELLING QUALITY DAILY”)”. We might not want it, or really want it, but we are all inclusive and embrace each sexual orientation, style of dress or hair colour.

Stick a teddy bear in a Union Jack hat and call it Anthea if you must – we might not like it but we will defend your right to do it.

“All the glam..all the goss ..and how they all rated,” says the Mirror beneath a shot of Geri Halliwell (for it is she). Geri is giving full throat to her New Age, New Labour mantra: “Smiling, dancing, everything is free. All you need is positivity.”

On the Sun’s cover, a slight dig at the Spice Girls: “They’re back..and bigger than ever.” This headline comes with no picture of Scary’s buttocks or Spice fans but of Victoria Beckham’s breasts, which serve to remind her new legion of young fans to eat more fruit.

“GIRDLE POWER,” say the Sun. “Gang older and bolder.” The Mail turns its blonde head to us, narrows its eyes and whispers: “Old spice,.. What a difference ten years, diets, babies (oh, and cosmetic surgery have made to Posh & Co).”

But you can’t run back the clock. And we read that with age comes maturity and self-awareness – Her Poshness is the only Spice Girl not to perform a solo…

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Madeleine McCann: The Scenic 17, Dr Denny Says And DNA

mccann-renault.jpgMADDY WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann

DAILY EXPRESS page 21: “New DNA tests could unlock the mystery of lost Madeleine”

More DNA tests at the Forensic Science Service laboratory in Birmingham And this after the DNA tests proved inconclusive…

“Seventeen human cells could provide a major breakthrough in the Madeleine McCann mystery…The DNA samples are being examined by scientists in Britain and Portuguese detectives believe the evidence could unlock an investigation which is now in its eighth month”

The Tapas 7. The Tapas 9. The Scenic 17…

Guilhermino Encarnacao, head of the Policia Judiciaria in the Algarve, says: “We have asked the laboratory to carry out more tests and exhaust every possibility of obtaining conclusive results”

Says Forensic scientist Dr Ronald Denny (not working on the case): “A cell is negligible – you can just about see it under a microscope. It’s a sample someone would leave behind with the touch of a finger. But when placed with certain biochemicals a small amount of DNA grows to a size that can be analysed”

“GP Kate and heart consultant Gerry” are “both 39”

THE SUN page 15: “Only 17 cells of DNA in hol car”

“Cops looking for Madeleine McCann are banking on ‘a smidgen’ of DNA evidence. Scientists have found just 17 cells on samples taken from a hire car rented by Kate and Gerry McCann and their holiday flat”

Says independent forensic expert Dr Ronald Denny: “It is not a hopeless task. If they have 17 cells then they can carry it off very effectively in Birmingham, one of the leading labs in the world”

DAILY MAIL page 5: “Mission Impossible – Forensic evidence too poor to solve mystery of Madeleine, say police”

But Dr Denny is telling two papers otherwise…

A source tells Portuguese newspaper 24 Horas: “It is highly unlikely they will find a DNA connection…If everybody refuses to make statements, which is perfectly possible, we will be left with our hands tied. This is a case which could hang by a thread for years and we may never be able to prove what actually happened to that child”
But what about Dr Denny. Why don’t they ask Dr Denny?

Says Dr Denny: “A person, or their possessions, have to be present for the cells to come off”

DAILY MIRROR page 7: “Maddy: Smidgen of DNA will work?”

Dr Denny is on the case, or not. But the “independent British expert” does have an opinion which is able to share with all of us


Dr Denny is talking to Star readers…

“Top cop in blast at private eyes” – Former deputy chief constable of Manchester Police John Stalker says of Metodo 3: “I’m not impressed with these people at all. I’d be very surprised if they get anywhere”

This is the same Stalker who delivered “MY VERDICT” to Express reader back in October

“There’s a world of difference in following a paper chase and finding a flesh-and-blood child”

Or a newspaper chase…

DAILY TELEGRAPH page 11: “Madeleine tests are ‘mission impossible’”

Says a source in 24 Horas: “The samples reportedly include microscopic spots of blood from the Ocean Club apartment where Madeleine went missing and ‘bodily fluids’ and hair from the Renault Scenic hired by the McCanns 25 days after their daughter’s disappearance. The samples are so small that, while it will not be impossible to find a DNA link between the car, apartment and Madeleine, it’s highly unlikely The tests being carried out are extremely complex”

But Dr Denny says…

Says Clarence Mitchell: “Kate and Gerry’s friends have consistently said they are happy to be re-interviewed by police if necessary. Indeed, they are keen to help if it clears up any inconsistencies. They, like Gerry and Kate, have nothing to hide”

THE GUARDIAN and THE INDEPENDENT: “No Madeleine news today

Posted: 4th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (1,344)

Climate Change In Bali As Tropics Expand

global-warming-beach-party.jpg“EXPANDING tropics ‘a threat to millions’”.

The Independent leads with news that the Earth’s midriff is expanding. “The topical belt that girdles the Earth is expanding north and south.”

It’s Fat Earth. Health Secretary Alan Johnson has already spoken of his assault on the twin evils of climate change and fat people, or Fat Climate.

Right now dignitaries from 191 countries, and assorted waiters, bar staff and cleaners, are in Bali for the latest conversation on global warming.

The Indy says it’s “one of the most important international gatherings of the year; perhaps the most important”.

The Indy hears from scientists at the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the National Centre for Atmospheric Research, and the universities of Washington, Salt Lake and Adelaide.

The Guardian hears from Richard Branson, who says: “The most positive but realistic thing that governments could agree in Bali is to halt the cutting down of virgin tropical rainforests with immediate effect.”

Mr Branson is not a scientist, nor is he a popstar or Hollywood actor. However he is not a politician, so the Guardian realises that his views are worth broadcasting.

And, of course, Mr Branson’s Virgin company operates an airline. As the Telegraph says: “15,000 fly to paradise to save the planet. But getting to the luxury beaches pushes out the annual C02 of an African country.”

The big concern – and one Mr Branson might sympathise with – is aircraft slots. As reported on Anorak, the management of Bali’s Ngurah Rai International Airport are concerned that the large number of additional private charter flights will exceed the carrying capacity of apron areas.

The worry is that the great and good will be unable to land their jets and so be left hanging in the hot, hot air looking for somewhere warm to land…

Posted: 3rd, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment (1)

Gillian Gibbons: Grin And Bear It

gillian-gibbons.jpgGILLIAN Gibbons is in jail on a charge of “insulting Islam”, as the Sun puts it. She is “timid” Gillian. She is the Express’s “teddy bear teacher”, and so too the Mail’s.

But there is – alas – no mention of Sudan’s Teddy Taliban, who have seen fit to incarcerate Gibbons.

What readers do get, of course, is to read the account of Gavin Sherrard-Smith, who today appears in the Mirror, having already told Mail and Express readers of his flogging in Qatar for breaking that country’s alcohol laws.

Mr Sherrard-Smith tells a good anecdote, one in the eye for those who return from Arabic country’s with only a pair of Giorgio Ferrari sunglasses and slides of them haggling for a discount on the “Tommy Copper” hat. But having heard the story three times, the pain is growing dim.

The danger is that by the time Mr Sherrard-Smith reaches the Telegraph, readers will have grown immune to the news, some even writing in to say how had the beaten Britisher gone to St Albions School he would have considered his treatment as no more than a light tap on the knuckles.

Over in the Mail, the tabloid voice of Islamic womanhood, former Apprentice wannabe Saira Khan, says the issue is “deadly serious”. It is “far from funny”.

Indeed. It is almost beyond satire.

The call is for the fundamentalist to show sense. Boris Johnson, writing in the Telegraph, talks of a time when Britain would have sent a gun boat to rescue her. “Civis Britannicus sum,” he cries. “I am a British citizen,” says Gillian ‘Gordon’ Gibbons. “We used to send gunboats to your part of the world. Ruddy fuzzy-wuzzies.”

But one thing has been left out: the identity of the teddy bear.

A soppy Rupert, a mentally negligible Paddington or a rabble rousing, not to forget Buddhist, Winnie The Pooh?

Posted: 29th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (3)

Gillian Gibbons And The UN Moratorium On Teddy Bear Naming

teddy-bear.jpgLOTS more news of Gillian Gibbons, victim of Sudan’s Teddy Bear Taliban.

In the Sun, one Mohammed, aged 7, says the class teddy was not named after the prophet of Islam but him. Says he: “The teacher asked me what I wanted to call the teddy. I said Mohammed after my name.”

“WE NAMED THAT TEDDY BEAR AFTER ME, NOT THE PROPHET,” echoes the Mirror’s headline. Says Dr Khalid al Mubarak: “I am certain this minute incident will be clarified quickly and the teacher cleared.”

We hope so. But not before Gavin Sherrard-Smith – yesterday he was in the Express – tells Britons and Old Etonians just how much it hurts to be whipped across the back by a bamboo stick wielded by a arge and possibly angry man.

The message is clear. We need a clear UN-approved naming convention for teddies. With the Giving Season almost upon us, it cannot come soon enough.

Approved Teddy names are: Big Ted, Little Ted, Ted, Teddy-Edward, Teddy Sheringham, Ted Kennedy Boutros Boutro and Rupert…

Names best avoided include: Ken, Anthea and any member of the victorious German football team of World Cup 74

Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (9)

Amy Winehouse Is… Troubled-Sad-The Rehab Singer

amy-winehouse-no-no-no.pngAMY Winehouse has cancelled her tour, or “pulled the plug” as the Times notes on its front page.

Winehouse is “sad” (Times), “Miss” (Mail), “Troubled” (Star, Express and Sun), “The Rehab singer” (Mirror), and the American “Wreckamess” (Disney’s TMZ website).

It is clear that Winehouse needs a decent epithet. Just as “rubber-faced” precedes Rowan Atkinson and “troubled” is shorthand for Britney Spears – and now adopted by the less imaginative press for Winehouse (press F9) – the singer needs a keyword.

And then there is the Winehouse headline. Take the Times’ front-page legend: “No, no, no. Sad Winehouse pulls plug on her tour.”

Winehouse might me in meltdown, on her way to rehab, but then so would you be if whenever you opened your mouth someone said “No, no, no”. (You can already foresee the anti-drugs campaign.)

But some papers are at least trying. The Daily Sport brings “THEY’VE ALL GOT IT INF-AMY!” Admittedly, this headline has been created and the story of a “bitter family feud” written for it. But it shows imagination.

But the spoils go to the Star which says Winehouse has cancelled her tour because she misses her incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The headline: “LONELY AMY’S BLAKE-DOWN.”

Not a full “Yes, yes, yes” from us. But the signs are encouraging…

The full Winehouse 

Posted: 28th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Her Majesty Queen Does A Diana: Portrait Unveiled

queen-portrait.jpgHER Majesty the Queen is in Uganda.

There she has been offered a portrait of she and Prince Philip, as painted by one Joackim Onyangeo Nedalo. He has travelled from his native Kenya to present Her Majesty with his work, which took him three months to complete.

Mr Nedalo will be delighted to know that “his picture was drawn to her attention as she drove past in her bullet-proof Range Rover”.

No time to stop as Her Majesty heads for what the Times calls a “Diana moment”.

No, she’s not shopping, romancing a soldier or placing her hair in a bun. The Queen is shaking the hand of an ill man. As the Times notes: “Stephen Wakodo is HIV positive. Yesterday he shook hands with the Queen in Uganda. The occasion was a first for both of them.”

Mr Wakodo has not shaken hands with the Queen before, nor with Diana, who is pictured pressing the flesh of HIV patient Shane Snape back in 1987.

There are many firsts in this event – the Queen has never “knowingly” met an HIV sufferer before; never before met an HIV patient while wearing a lime green dress; never before met Mr Wakodo.

It is also the first time Her Majesty has been alikened to Diana, of whom portraits are in ready supply…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment

Mick Jagger’s Kabbalah String Along

kabbalah.JPGFOLLOWING earlier reports that lissome Mick Jagger has joined the Kabbalah religionists, the Sun produces an update.

Jagger claims the red string worn about his wrist was given to him on a recent trip to Rajastan, as the Sun reports. It holds no religious significance, he assures us. Which does make one wonder why Jagger was given the object at all, and why he continued to wear it.

Is this Jagger seeking a new look, a couterpoint to Keith Richards’ skull rings?

Says Jagger: “If I wore a string vest, would people think I’d suddenly become a Kabbalah convert?”

Perhaps. More likely they applaud you for being brave enough to try something new at your age…

Posted: 23rd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (3)

Jamie Oliver Eats With Supermarkets And Takes On Chickens

jamie-oliver-1.jpgJAMIE Oliver is hosting a dinner.

In the manner of 1950s chat show Tea With Noele Gordon (the actress who went on to front Lunchbox), Dinner With Jamie Oliver is going to be on TV.
Says the Independent: “Guests at the dinner will include celebrities, food producers, supermarkets and ordinary people.”

There has never been a dinner like it. It is extraordinary, apart from those “ordinary people”, who are extraordinarily ordinary in not being celebrities.

The belief that celebrities are in any way extraordinary enables Oliver to make a telly show in which he will “take-on battery farmed chickens”.

Once more, the Indy’s language creates an interesting tableau. Already excited at the prospect of watching Jamie break bread with “supermarkets”, we now envisage Oliver pulling on gloves and trying to beat even shades of browning from a battalion of Zombie Hens.

Called Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, Jamie will “graphically demonstrate” the chicken rearing process. Those not wishing to be put off their dinners, or ever eating again, should look away and wait for the pudding…

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2)

Trinny And Susannah Chalk Up Another Success

wilmington.jpgA CRY for help from Trinny and Susannah? The Telegraph has a picture of the Long Man Of Wilmington, a pagan symbol, billed as “Europe’s largest representation of the human form”.

And onto this 227ft carving on the slopes of Windover Hill, Sussex, Trinny and Susannah have laid out a number of women in white suits.

The effect is to transform the symbol from a man to a woman, with “pig tails, curvy hops and shapely legs”.

A pagan – usually only sighted in news reports from the Stone Henge Summer Solstice and at localised Welsh events stood among children dressed as leeks and dragons – is heard to utter: “For those who consider this a religious site it sends out a message that religious intolerance is acceptable.”

But look again. It’s is not a man and woman, rather Trinny ‘the Tranny’ and her minder Susannah.

Is this how they see themselves. And can we expect other celebs to follow suit, transforming the Cerne Abbas Giant into Pete Crouch and the Great Red Horse into a notable royal?

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment (1)

DataGate: Good News In Identity Fraud Debacle

id-cards-1.pngGOOD news and more good news to follow the shocker that the Government has lost the personal details and more than 25million Britons.

No, not the Guardian’s front-page story “Data fiasco forces ministers into ID cards review”, nor the Times’ lead story that “thousands” of us have changed our PIN codes “over fraud fears”.


Supporters of England football team will thrill to the realisation that they have your number. You might get THE CALL.

But the still better news is in light of the Express’s story: “Love thy neighbour? We don’t even know them.”

Only now we do. We know all about them. And it’s all thanks to Gordon Brown putting the social in socialism…

* In light of the Independent’s move to have the data debacle classified as “DATAGATE”, Anorak looks at some other ‘–gates’:
Camillagate – Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla Parker-Bowles discuss tampons
Cheriegate — Cherie Blair’s association with Carole Caplin, and through her to Peter Foster. “Curse of ‘Cheriegate’ strikes again” – The Scotsman
Squidgygate — Princess Diana on the blower
Blobbygate — applied to a dispute between Noel Edmonds and Lancaster City Council
Fourgate – Sky Sports News describes an incident in which a quartet of England rugby players criticise coach Brian Ashton
Grannygate – Republic of Ireland footballer Stephen Ireland lies about the deaths of both his grandmothers in order to miss a match against Slovakia
Nannygate — British Cabinet member David Blunkett allegedly fast tracks a visa application for his family’s nanny
Sharongate —EastEnders love triangle between Grant, Sharon, and Phil – BBC
Svengate — “FA director Davies accused of sexual harassment” – Reuters
Also: GarethGates, NottingHillGate, DepartureGate…

Picture: Hack

Posted: 22nd, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (4)

No ID: Fraudsters Need To Be Patient

id-cards.pngTHE Independent wants to know “Who? Decided to post two discs with personal and financial details of 25milion people by unregistered delivery?”

The discs contain the child benefit numbers, national insurance numbers, dates of birth, names, addresses and bank and building society account details of half the UK’s population.

(Anorak’s IT department wants to know how the Government managed to get so much data on just two discs?)

It is the Indy’s front-page “Data Disaster”. And it wants to know “Where? Will the buck stop after the revenue chief’s resignation?”

The Guardian leads with news that Paul Gray, the Revenue & Customs chief, has stepped down, wisely not putting his letter of resignation in the post.

And with Mr Gray (NI number D0LT1A, two sons, married) gone, the focus is on Alistair Darling, the Chancellor (HMTF00L, husband to Margaret McQueen Vaughan since 1986, father to one son and one daughter, and who, like the rest of the country, has money tied up with Northern Rock).

“There’s only one culprit is this spectacular series of disasters – and it isn’t Alistair Darling,” says the Indy’s Hamish McRae. The real “culprit” is Gordon Brown (PM2-1).

Blame is easy. But what of the remedy? “What can we do? If this were only France we could rely on bank workers to go on strike, overburdened by the pressures of fielding so many calls from Nigeria.

With fear of fraud rife, it is hoped Mr. Ching Wong from Hong Kong, credit officer of Green Trust Bank Ltd, in partnership with Angela Bamar from Liberia, daughter of Late Mr Donald Bamar Chief Financial Officer for Budgetunder, are understanding when we explain why we can’t find the £45m they deposited in Anorak’s account last week…

Picture: Hack

Posted: 21st, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (11)

Bishop Butler’s Pilgrims Revisit The Scene Of The Crime

bishop-southwark.jpgIT’S not only Cliff Richard who can blend wine and Christmas into a hit combination.

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine
Children singing Christian rhyme
With logs on the fire and gifts on the tree
A time for rejoicing in all that we see.

Rhyme and wine in harmony, like two hands clasped together in prayer.

Last season, the Bishop of Southwark, Tom Butler, found that spirits moved him to the back of a Mercedes car.

The vehicle, belonging to parishoners unknown to him, held toys which Bishop Butler began throwing from it in the style of a carefree Father Christmas, in mauve.

The car’s owner, one Paul Sumpter, confronted the Bishop who offered the ecumenical explanation: “I’m The Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do.”

It is then “claimed” the Bishop left the car and fell to the pavement.

Said Mr Butler on BBC Radio: “My mobile phone hasn’t turned up, my injuries were compatible with being mugged.” Mr Butler lost not only his phone, but also his crucifix, briefcase and memory.

Mr Sumpter noted: “I know steaming drunk when I see it and he was steaming.” The muggers were never found.

Now in honour of that journey by car, train, bus and pavement, a group of pilgrims are planning to retread the Bishop’s route by way of a pilgrimage.

The journey will begin at a pub near Park Lane, close to the Irish embassy where Pishop Butler was entertained, and then move to Hyde Park Tube station, on to Crucifix Lane and then for a hearty worship at The Suchard Bar.

Those still able to walk will make their way to Tooting Bec, to a pub in Streatham where they will be invited to consume homemade fudge.

It is not thought that Pishop Puddler will accompany the followers. Although if it helps him find the muggers, he just might…

More here

Posted: 20th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (3)

Making A Meal of Saving Whales In Tokyo

brydes_whale.JPGTHE “most delicious city on earth” is…Tokyo.

Hard luck on Sheffield, but French tyre company Michelin has exacting standards “shrouded in almost obsessive secrecy”. Better luck next time.

Readers will note that the Times’ story of food and travel is two ways towards the perfect tale. And we search for that elusive third element, the third star that will make it stand above the others.

And the Independent comes up trumps. Taka a look at what the Japanese are eating. Hard to tell, admittedly. But the Indy’s headline offers a clue: “THE SAVIOURS OF THE WHALE.” Here come the environmentalism course.

Japanese harpooners have set sail to catch whales, a source of whale meat. But the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society “will stop at nothing to protect the humpbacks”.

The SSCS has not devised a tasty whale meat alternative, a tofu-shaped Leviathan. It has taken to the seas “to head off the Japanese fleet”.

A harpoon can damage a whale, and most likely a ship and certainly the ship’s captain and crew. Activists aboard the Robert Hunt are intrepid. And non-Japanese.

The leader of the expedition is one Paul Watson, who created the SSCS, a group of what he likes to call “sea cops”.

And he is displeased that the Japanese find whale meat appetising. It is a crime the sea cops are looking to stamp out.

It is not said if Mr Watson has ever tried whale meat. Although if he cares to, we hear that Tokyo has some terrific eateries…

Posted: 20th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Oxford Union: Luke Tryl Invites BNP Leader And Holocaust Denier To Speak

tories.jpgTHE Tenth Rule of Conservative politics stipulates that no would-be leader should ever be pictured wearing top hat and tails, nor sat on a damask cushion with two silver spoons in his mouth (Shockjock Jon ‘Gaunty’ Gaunt sees such shiny cutlery in newborn David Cameron’s maw but fails to provide pictorial evidence in his Times Q and A).

Young ambitious Tories should also avoid associating themselves with Holocaust deniers like David Irving.

But Luke Tryl, President of the Oxford Union, a former chairman of the Halifax branch of Conservative Future, the Tory party’s “youth wing” aims to be challenging and mould breaking.

So, as the Independent reports, Tryl, “who sees himself as a future prime minister”, has invited Irving to address the Union. And to put a tin lid (surely topper) on the night, has also invited along BNP leader, Nick Griffin.

Says Mr Tryl, possibly cradling a teddy: “The BNP are in a minoroty, but they gain support when they say liberals are silencing them.” Good then that an ambitious Tory is providing them with the oxygen of publicity…

Posted: 19th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comments (5)

Heather Mills Speaks For Plants

heather-mills1.jpgSTOP Press: On Sunday, Heather Mills will be presenting herself for out inspection at Speakers Corner, Hyde Park.

Amidst the religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists, Mills will impose upon the people who like to stand in the cold listening to religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists the need to give up meat to save nothing less than the planet.

The Independent explains that less farming means less grazing and that means less pasture and less guffing cows and sheep. It means less mammals and more plants. And since the plants only speak to Prince Charles and vegetarians, Heather has volunteered to speak to the rest of us on their behalf.

The Indy reports that after her showing, Mills will feature in two adverts for Vegetarian international voice, which aims on speak on behalf of both domestic and foreign plants.

One message will declare “Hey Meaty, you’re making me so hot!”, while another is directed at tree huggers who eat fish and dairy. The strapline: “You haven’t got a leg to stand on.”

Says the Indy: “This is what happens when your publicist sacks you.”

The Ends Begins…

Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment

Stop The CLass Act: Pikeys, Chavs And ‘Doing A Burberry’

chav.jpgFOR some time now we have been told that we live in a “classless society”. In fact John Major (ask your dad) even made it part of his vision of the future.

But now there are signs that this tiresome charade is coming to an end, and the newspapers can get back to what they do best: demarcating the social strata of British society. That is to say, fawning on those above them and dispensing ordure on the lower orders – or “pikeys” and “chavs” as they sometimes prefer to call them.

Today’s Daily Mail, for example, runs a two-page feature on Stella Artois. Stella’s slogan is “reassuringly expensive”, but that hasn’t stopped it from “doing a Burberry” and becoming synonymous with troublemakers. Its street-name is Wife Beater, and one publican complains that since switching to Stella, his pub has become a magnet for young people and “builders and labourers”.

Meanwhile the Telegraph puts a spin on a story about rude policemen. While other papers simply report the large numbers of complaints about police incivility, the last of the broadsheets opts for the headline: “Rise in middle-class complaints about police”.

What a relief, then, to breathe in the fresh air of the Daily Star, unspoiled by snobbery and pretension. Here, HRH Prince Harry is just another “ginger binger” and a rise in beer prices is treated not as a bloody liberty rather than a boost for law and order.

Makes you proud to be British.

Posted: 15th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (3)

London Bans The Plastic Bag: Global Warming Free Zone

plastic_bag_1.jpg“BAN THE BAG,” orders the Independent’s front page.

“British shops hand out more than one billion plastic bags each month, at huge cost to the world’s environment. Yesterday, in a landmark decision, 33 councils in London joined a growing national campaign to…” You know the rest.

Much is left to do. Shoppers, the homeless and other plastic bag enthusiasts await clarification if carrying a plastic bag into a designated Plastic Bag Free Zone is a crime. And what if a bag blows within the zone – whose fault is it, the shopper or the supplier?

The Indy says the ban could take years to come into force. In the meanwhile, “major retailers” have set about designing more lightweight bags, so ensuring bag users inhale less Nicotene and ingest less saturated fat.

Anorak can confirm that these bags are lighter, and that wrapping one within another is the best way to prevent “Shopping Spill”. Alternatively, shoppers are invited to clutch bags to their bosom, as you would a newborn baby or calf.

Peter Woodhall, of the Packaging and Industrial Firm Association, says: “We are losing the battle in terms of hearts and minds of the public, who now certainly believe that the plastic bag is… something we need to eradicate from society.”

The Independent uses it editorial to champion a “plastic bag tax”. This will dissuade shoppers from using plastic bags within the zero tolerance zone.

The ban will out. And Shoppers will be left with the choice of having their food delivered by a man on a push bike, paying extra for carriers or using the supermarket’s handy recyclable metal shopping cart.

Or you could buy Anorak’s new “Food Pockets” clothing range – “Dig Deep for the planet with trousers with pockets that go from hip to toe and back again! Order for Christmas and get a free Comfi-Eggz” head band!”


Posted: 14th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (12)

Homosexuals In Anglican Church Fudge

gay-vicar.jpgWHEN someone threatens to split your faith, you know you’re in trouble. Especially if it’s Chris Eubank.

Joking aside though, the Anglican church is facing precisely this problem.

“Clerics get classes in anger management” announces the Daily Telegraph, which reports that dozens of senior church leaders have signed up for a course on “conflict transformation” aimed at “helping them settle disputes which threaten to split their faith”.

In particular, there’s the issue of homosexuality, which has “brought the Anglican church to the brink of schism”.

It all sounds very civilized, but we wonder whether it’s all just a fancy word for fudging (“conflict resolution”, that is, not “homosexuality”).

What’s wrong with settling the matter the old-fashioned way, with no-nonsense bolt from the blue?

Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (5)

Fore Play: Sex Addicts Get More Exercise Than Golfers

golfers.jpg“SEX is the second most popular exercise in Britain – after walking,” claims the Daily Mirror.

A strange claim, not least because we didn’t realize that sex had now been re-categorized as “exercise” – presumably in a bit by the government to rid it of any unhelpful connotations of pleasure or fun.

This possibly sheds some light on a story in today’s Daily Telegraph, which says that old people have been branded “leeches” by no less a publication than The Golf Club Secretary Newsletter.

Their complaint is that old persons, who pay reduced rates, are living longer, and playing more golf (“Two or three times a week”, to be precise). This is clogging up the courses, and preventing younger members (who pay higher subscriptions) unable to play.

This situation can only get worse.

Let’s assume that, for exercise purposes, golf is counted under the rubric of “walking”. This means that when these perky pensioners aren’t leeching on the golf course, they are at it like rabbits in the bedroom. Sooner or later, something has to give, and presumably the sex will go before the golf. Whereupon we can expect to see the formerly lecherous leeches on the golf course every day.

Free Viagra for all pensioners or a thousand new golf courses by 2020?

Let’s have an electric-blanket-heated debate!

Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Tabloids | Comments (8)

Croydon 2012: The Fun And Game Begins

croydon.gifWHY Croydon should want to be a city is overlooked by the Independent, which brings news that the unlovely London suburb wants to be the “new Barcelona”.

The new Barcelona has the old Barcelona, a Mediterranean climate and an airport offering visitors an entry point to a city of decent hotels, culture and style. Croydon has concrete, drizzle and is well placed for Gatwick Airport, from where Britishers escape to places like Barcelona.

But architect Will Alsop has a vision. This is the man who “tried to reinvent Barnsley as a walled Tuscan town”. He is not easily deterred by things like history and geography. The talk is of pod-shaped buildings on stilts (Burma), glass apartments (Guantanamo Bay) and miniature parks (gardens) “inspired by the regeneration of Barcelona after the 1992 Olympics”. Croydon: world city. City of culture. 

Far be it from us to point out the massive white elephant in the room, but that bit about the regeneration of Barcelona being triggered by the Olympic Games…

Like those parts of London reinvigorated after London 2012? And this is the same London that is to be linked to lofty Croydon by extending the London Underground’s East London line.

And to the project, dubbed “Third City” – part of Croydon’s attempt to persuade the government to grant it city status.”

Such an audacious bid to instil civic pride will surely be championed by those local politicos with dreams of managing a city and not a town.

Forget the details and hang the cost, and see the Croydonians bursting with pride as they climb aboard the new Tube train on their way to earning a living in…London…

Posted: 13th, November 2007 | In: Broadsheets | Comments (4)