THE news in the Tabloid Telegraph is grim and it is dirty:
Council refuses to clean up spilt bin without staff qualified to wear wellies
Egads! Know that:
A council allegedly refused to clean up a dustbin that fell into a four inch stream because no-one “qualified” to wear wellington boots was available. An official from Chichester District Council also allegedly said that ropes and harnesses would be needed to prevent workers from being washed away.
Only, he hasn’t. Not really:
SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the news…
The BBC’s Sian Williams mentions rumours that have been circulating on the internet. The BBC is the official broadcaster of unfounded rumour and teenage pregnacy.
DAILY MIRROR: “Real victims who reduced me to tears”
Fiona Philips – ‘the woman with the whitest teeth and yellowest hair in daytime telly’ – “on GMTV heartaches and meltdowns”
Fiona Philips is fighting the tears as Helen Newlove, whose husband Garry has been murdered, is sat on the sofa to tell her story.
Tears are the new laughter.
THE Earth is melting! Says David Adam in the Guardain:
Political inaction on global warming has become so dire that nations must now consider extreme technical solutions—such as blocking out the sun—to address catastrophic temperature rises, scientists from around the world warn today.
Block out the sun… We need fat pople now! Or a big ball of rock with a flag on it…
“THESE days half the writers need six quotes before they can write a piece,” says Geoffrey Boycott, God of Yorkshire.
“When you’ve got byline, it should be your words.”
Yeah, quotes are for losers.
So says HRH Boycott, whose Telegraph column is touched up and edited by one Simon Briggs…
DAILY MIRROR: “Maddy cops vetoed Brit help offer”
But British police have assisted in the McCann case. No?
Portuguese police turned down an offer to help find Madeleine McCann from Britain’s most senior murder investigator, it has emerged.
ANORAK remembers when the Guardian tried to influence voters in the US or A who were too darn stooped to work out that George Bush was going to kill them all with his weather machine.
BRYONY Gordon, who dresses like a bit of a slapper and works for the Telegraph, is thinking about sexually transmitted diseases:
Sexually transmitted infections in teenagers have risen 21 per cent – cases of chlamydia and gonorrhoea are up, up, up, chastity is down, down, down, and while the average age to lose your virginity in the 1980s was 17, today a quarter of young people are sexually active before they turn 16.
Hacks are notoriously bad at maths, but here Bryony manages to mix up her percentages with her averages.
Can we say that in the 1980s, a quarter of young people were sexually active, as she says is now the case?
Yes, we can. But to do so would dismiss Bryony’s story and make it something of a non-story. Still, everyone likes a bit of a slapper in the Tele’s offices, so more of Bryony, please…
“It’s the £100m race to keep Old masters in National Gallery” – Herald
Any reason why the Scottish paper shold focus on the Duke of Sutherland’s offer to sell Titian’s Diana & Actaeon and Diana & Callisto for £50million a piece to the nation at a discount to their £300m market value?
OBAMANIA Watch – Anorak’s look at Barack Obama in the news…
Want to know what “Obama’s dream” is?
The message, written in English, allegedly included a threat to target “all the political leaders, especially Tony Blair and Gordan (sic) Brown”.
A damning indiuctment of our education system, and a pretty shoddy showing for Gordon Brown, who after an entire year in power is known among alleged extremists as “Gordan”. Are all, alleged, jihadis thick?
THE plot to kill Barack Obama – the Barack Obama Death Cult – sees three more persons held by police.
At least that’s what the Sun says on its front page. It’s the “plot to kill Obama,” says the Express on its cover.
There were four people, which means either one is on the loose, or else has been adopted by Russian agents/ the Far Right/ the CIA/ the Mafia/ The Taliban/ Hillary Clinton/ Joe Biden fans to kill Obama at a later date.
One day on from the news of Israel’s “our Maddie”, Sky news leads with “Israel’s our Maddie”. As Anorak readers know Israel’s our Maddie is called Rose Ron. Sky News – First for breaking news…
Rose Ron is missing. Rose Ron was missing:
No-one seemed to really notice until her grandfather walked into a Tel Aviv police station two weeks ago and confessed to her murder.
No-one? Subtext: Sky News didn’t notice.
In “Target Obama: An American nightmare”, Ian Munro tells The age and its reader how Barack Obama must die:
IT IS a recurring American nightmare, a fear that haunts a nation and that has stalked every presidential candidate since the Kennedys.
Or the Lincolns. An not just the presidents, but all the candidates too. Anyone try to kill Ralph Nader? H. Ross Perot? Walter Mondale? And if not, why not? What’s their secret? And should Barack Obama model himself on Mondale?
THE sea ice is melting. Polar Bears are upon us. The whales are melting!
It seems unthinkable, but for the first time in human history, ice is on course to disappear entirely from the North Pole this year. - The Indepedent
See the graph? It shows the current and expected sea ice area in the Northern hemisphere:
And whaling pays off. Reports the Guardian:
The team says its study offers the first evidence that global warming could be harming whales, because it restricts their food supplies.
Whales are in danger! How do we know this? Because Japan has killed 4,500 whales since the late 1980s.
Thanks, Japan. Thanks for the tireless research…
And above this news, the message that “Caliugula Is back”, the sex and sandals TV series starring Malcolm McDowell as pagan Rome’s living god, bestiality and Helen Mirren’s breasts (1979 vintage).
It’s “uncut” adds the Indy, and you can almost hear the “Fnar” in the news room.
The 70s, of course, are remembered chiefly for Charlie George (praise be his name), rose marie sauce and the three-day week. Yeah, working for an entire three days every week. As if our benefits society or the French would stand for that.
MICHELLE Obama is telling Times readers about “our all-American story”. And Sky news screams: “Obama ‘Assassination arrests.”
What’s more American than a dead President?
To the Democrat Party’s convention in Denver, and local police have confirmed three men are being held in connection with drugs and weapons offences.
They were going to kill Obama, right? They are a cell of the Obama Death Cult and they were intending to do their worst, right?
Over in the Sun, Sky’s sister organ, the news is a little less certain:
Posted: 26th, August 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, Barack Obama, Barack Obama Death Cult, Broadsheets, Politicians, Race For The White House, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
JERUSALEM POST (Israel): Is Rose Israel’s Madeleine?
Who’s Rose? Is she a Maddie by another name?
IN The tabloid Telegraph, readers learn of when Stuffed Alligators Attack!
Roads were sealed off as they staked out the creature, which appeared to be lying in garden bushes with the remains of a bird in its jaws.
Now read on:
BORIS Johnson, mayor of London, waves the flag in Beijing. And Ken Livingstone, the miserabilist former mayor Boris beat.. Is he bitter?
Says the Independent:
A fecund father of five himself, he will next day be appearing on CBeebies. “It’s about how to run a campaign about saving water. I’ve got to advise and then judge which team is the best, which I will hate.”
Happy days. We just can’t stop winning…
Becks lives in Los Angeles, so does Leona. But what the hell, they were born in London and that will do.
The Times leads with pictures of Londoners who live in London, and a load of tourists, celebrating the arrival of the fearsomely expensive sporting event in four years time They are waving flags beating the Olympics logo – that picture of Lisa Simpson felating on an unknown IOC member.
FEEL that seismic shift? That was the British economy coming to a halt.
INDEPENDENT: “British economy grinds to halt.”
FT: “British economy shudders to a halt”.
TELEGRAPH: British economy “shudders to a halt”.
Did you feel it? Did the Earth move for you..?
MAIL On SUNDAY: “McCANNS’ FUND IN £500,000 CHAOS.”
A team of private investigators working behind the scenes to find Madeleine McCann has been axed after being paid £500,000 from publicly donated funds.