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Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers

The London Grand Prix

‘THEY have tried many things over the years to make Formula 1 more exciting.

David Coulthard is pulled over for jumping a red light

They cut the sound whenever Nigel Mansell opened his mouth; they slipped vodka into the drivers’ pre-race drinks; and more recently they have made Michael Schumacher drive with both hands tied behind his back.

But the sport continues to be as dull as, well, watching a series of multi-millionaires parading around in their swish cars.

No longer – the Times reports that London has announced a £20m bid to bring Formula 1 racing (as it is still quaintly named) to the streets of the capital.

Mayor of London Ken Livingstone wants to stage a grand prix in the city within four years, suggesting that it would attract two million tourists.

‘Every hotel room would be full and every seat in every restaurant would be taken during a grand prix weekend,’ he said, as 300,000 thronged the West End yesterday to see a Formula 1 demonstration along Piccadilly and Regent Street.

‘We will bust a gut to put on the best Formula 1 race in the world. Whatever we spend, we would get back because it would be a great investment.’

It will also be fantastically exciting – watch the cars crawl up Piccadilly at 6mph, see them try to avoid the bus lane on Regent Street, marvel as they get stuck in the one-way system by Oxford Street.

And sympathise as an overzealous traffic warden gives them a parking ticket as they go into the pits to refuel…’

Posted: 7th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Smacking Law

‘TO help parents confused by last night’s proposed change to the smacking law, we at Anorak have produced our own guide to modern smacking etiquette.

A pointing ban is expected to become law next year

The Telegraph rightly reports that you will still be able to administer ‘mild’ smacks to little Hugo and Arabella if they don’t eat their German salami.

But this is only part of the story. After all, when is a ‘mild’ smack a ‘spank’ and when is it ‘inappropriate physical contact’?

So, here is what you do when you want physically to chastise your little bundle of joy without finding yourself before the local beak.

1. Go to your local Post Office and collect forms S46 and S47. Fill these in detailing the offence for which the child is to be reprimanded and the non-physical steps you have already taken by way of punishment.

2. Call the offending child to you, explain why he or she is in line for a smacking and get his or her signature on forms S46 and S47 agreeing to be smacked.

3. Post off the completed form to the local authority’s smacking (compliance) department and await notification from them of a date for the smacking to take place.

4. On the set date, a member of said smacking department plus a nurse and a member of the local police will turn up at your house to witness the smacking and ensure that it is indeed ‘mild’ and leaves no bruise or mark.

5. As for the smack itself, you must use your ‘wrong’ hand, you must not raise the hand more than 10 degrees from the perpendicular and you must ensure that the only contact is between your fingers and the child’s outstretched arm.

(ON NO ACCOUNT, TRY TO SMACK A CHILD ON THE BOTTOM – THIS IS ‘INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT’ AND IS LIABLE TO RESULT IN IMMEDIATE ARREST.)

6. Finally, break down in tears in front of your child, wail a lot about what a terrible parent you are and beg for their forgiveness for what you have done.

It is simple enough really – what the Guardian calls ‘an unlikely alliance of lawyers, childcare professionals and politicians’ who have condemned the new rules as unworkable should take note.’

Posted: 6th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Cornish Patsy

‘IF Michael Howard is looking for political advice, he could do worse than listen to Bart Simpson’s famous maxim, ‘Don’t have a cow, man’.

‘I can’t read a word. It’s all bloody gobbledygook!’

But Bart’s sister Lisa will not be taking up the Tory banner – according to the Independent, the eight-year-old is taking up the cause of Cornish independence.

In a Christmas Day special of the famous cartoon, Lisa will be seen charging round the family home in Springfield, waving the St Pirian’s cross and shouting: ‘Rydhsys rag Kernow lemmyn!’ (‘Freedom for Cornwall now!’)

The Simpsons’ executive producer Tim Long apparently came up with the idea after seeing a Cornish comedian perform in America.

He then emailed the Cornish Language Fellowship and asked them to provide a translation.

Cornish poet Paul Hodge tells the Indy that ‘it’s fantastic that Cornwall and its language is being recognised by a global phenomenon like The Simpsons.’

According to the Times, the last Cornish-only speaker died in 1777, but there are thought to be 4,000 Cornish speakers worldwide.

Make that now 4,001 or even 4,002 if Lisa can convert Bart.

‘Bydh kosel, den,’ as he would no doubt tell Michael Howard.’

Posted: 6th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Laughing Stock

‘IF and when cows get the vote – and, let’s face it, it’s well overdue – then we can expect Michael Howard to be swept into Downing Street on a wave of bovine support.

‘Four stomachs good, one stomach bad’

The Tory leader has spent several days over the past few weeks courting cattle, trying to hitch his political fortunes to some strong oxen.

But unless Howard’s Parliamentary colleagues can force through a Representation Of Bovines Act before next year’s General Election, he could be doomed.

The Times pictures the Tory leader at the Royal Agricultural Society’s annual show yesterday, deep in conversation with Blackbrook Natasha, the longhorn breed champion.

And judging by the number of rosettes she is wearing, Natasha is a keen supporter of Howard’s brand of Conservatism.

The trouble Howard faces is that, according to a poll in the very same paper, the human portion of the electorate (which comprises very nearly 100%) is not so enamoured.

In fact, the Populus poll shows that support for Howard has slumped in the past few months, with him now faring far worse than both Tony Blair and Gordon Brown.

His Tory party are now four percentage points behind Labour and only five points ahead of the Liberal Democrats.

The Times says the success of the UK Independence Party in last month’s European elections is continuing to damage the Tories.

‘This,’ it says, ‘is likely only to exacerbate the intense debate among local Conservatives about whether to co-operate and get closer to UKIP.’

The trouble is that cosying up to UKIP could alienate a large part of the Tories’ more moderate vote, not to mention much of their support among their cud-chewing friends.

Robert Kilroy Silk, after all, is no friend to the Friesian.’

Posted: 6th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


A Qualified Success

‘WHEN Tony Blair promises freedom, he normally delivers it at the end of an albeit non-firing gun.

‘And here’s some more freedom’

So teachers and pupils should be somewhat alarmed this morning to discover that the Prime Minister is promising schools more freedom to run their own affairs.

The Telegraph says that Blair has won a Cabinet power struggle to offer parents more choice and allow popular schools to expand.

However, the ungrateful head teachers claim the Government’s proposals amount to ‘smoke and mirrors’, creating the illusion of freedom.

They wanted more freedom, they said, ‘not at the expense of the school down the road, but by a reduction in central government prescription, which has led to 67 different streams of funding and accountability’.

You give schools freedom and it turns out that it’s the wrong kind of freedom; you offer parents choice and all of a sudden they want a choice of what choices they have.

Perhaps, like those ungrateful Iraqis, they’d be a bit happier if the freedom came wrapped in the Stars & Stripes and dropped from a B-52.

Happier news, however, for students in the Guardian, which reports that a British website is offering a full set of GCSEs, A-levels and fake degrees for £165.

Given that a separate report in the Independent suggests that the average student will earn £1,568 over the summer (mainly by working behind a bar or in a shop), we could soon have the most qualified workforce in the western world.

The Guardian said it managed to get a medical degree from Oxford University, a BA from the University of Strathclyde and a full set of GCSEs (all naturally A-grade) in the name of a student still awaiting his real results.

And the wonder of it all is that the man responsible – a Liverpool forger by the name of Peter Leon Quinn – is not doing anything illegal.

Stuart Pudney, a North Yorkshire trading standards officer, said he had no idea how many people had bought degrees, but he suggested it must be quite a lot.

‘And £165 is a lot of money for a degree,’ he added. ‘You don’t do that for fun or if you’re going to put it on your wall.’

No, that’s called a media studies degree…’

Posted: 5th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Sick Notes

‘HERE’S a question for you – what should NHS staff do when they’re feeling ill? Stay at home or come into work?

‘I AM SICK’

We ask because a report in this morning’s Times suggests that people who work in the health service take more days off sick than anyone else in Britain.

The average NHS worker takes 11.6 days off a year, compared with only 5.5 sick days a year by those involved in private services like consultancy work.

The fact that it has such an ill workforce is not exactly a great advert for the NHS – it’s rather like the DSS being staffed by benefit cheats or schools being full of illiterate teachers.

However, it is stress, says the report by the Chartered Institute Of Personnel And Development, that is apparently to blame for a lot of the days off.

And given that Mondays and Fridays are the most common days to be sick, we imagine that the stress of trying to pack everything into a two-day weekend is just too much for some people…’

Posted: 5th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Stress For Success

‘THOSE of us who have battled into work this morning, braved traffic jams and crowded trains to arrive at our desk and find our computer not working – how good does it feel?

‘Five minutes or ten? Decisions, decisions…’

Yeah, think of those poor little health workers still tucked up bed wondering what those symptoms – headache, dry mouth, smell of beer – can mean.

They are the ones who are missing out, according to a report in this morning’s Independent.

It says things like the torture of commuting, uncooperative computers and recalcitrant children could all have health benefits.

Writing in the Psychological Bulletin, researchers claim that a brief dose of stress might actually be healthy because it strengthens the body’s defences.

But long-lasting stress can do serious damage to the immune system.

The study says such situations, like living with a permanent disability, caring for a spouse with dementia or being a war refugee, have no clear end-point.

And on the grounds that it’s better to be safe than sorry about these things, we advise you to pull that duvet up over your aching head and go back to sleep.’

Posted: 5th, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Question Time

‘WHETHER or not the Allies are still looking for weapons of mass destruction is beside the point since the invasion of Iraq is now billed as the capture of Saddam.

‘Look out! He’s got a gun!’

The casus belli that was the big bombs that would kill us all in 45 minutes has been distilled to the man who would have fired them – if they existed, of course.

And there’s the Saddam finger that might have pressed the button that would have launched the putative weapons being wagged on the cover of the Times.

Yesterday was the day when the great dictator was paraded in a courtroom that used to be one of his many palaces and is now the scene of his public trial for all manner of heinous crimes.

A part of the transcript from his early exchanges with the judge, in what promises to be fascinating if at moments prolix conversation, is reproduced in the Telegraph.

Judge: “Are you the former president of Iraq?”

Saddam: “I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq.”

Judge: “You are the ex-leader of Iraq and the ex-leader of the dissolved armed forces. Were you leader of the Ba’ath Party and head of the armed forces?”

Saddam: “Yes. I’ve introduced myself to you, but you haven’t introduced yourself to me. So who are you?”

This courageous judge, evidently no fool, was not going to give a man like Saddam his name.

Especially when Saddam than says: “I don’t want to make you feel uneasy. But you know that this is all theatre by Bush to help him with his campaign. The real criminal is Bush.”

The idea of Saddam’s interrogation being somewhat staged is hard to discount with any real vigour – as the Guardian says, every move is being relayed by TV to the watching Iraqis.

What better way to deflect attention away from the Americans – and those pictures of abused Iraqis – than by parading the dishevelled instrument of so much of their misery live on TV?

But as for Bush and theatre… Well, who would buy that? The idea of Bush being at the theatre for anything other than to catch up on his sleep is preposterous.

This is something Bush can understand more readily. This is revenge.’

Posted: 2nd, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Judge And Jury

‘SADDAM Hussein can curse his luck that he was never tried in a British court.

Blair with the next Lord Chancellor and the future UK President

A simple and secretive handshake, a quick shimmy and a flick of the tie and he’d have been a free man as quick as you can say “Masonic Lodge”.

And do not doubt for a moment that there exists something not quite that open and frank about the judiciary and its judges.

The Times has seen a report by the Commission for Judicial Appointments into how High Court judges are deemed to be fit for the job and notices something amiss.

The selection system is “opaque, outdated and not demonstrably based upon merit”, says the report’s eight authors. In the language of the courtroom, it’s a fit-up.

The report also found that the Lord Chancellor, Tony Bair’s old flatmate Lord Falconer (who replaced Tony Blair’s old mentor Lord Irvine of Lairg in the office with the to-die-for wallpaper), and senior judges “took significant account” of things other than candidates’ suitability.

Indeed, some judges may have been appointed “on the basis simply that they are better known to the Lord Chancellor and Heads of Division [of the High Court]”.

But don’t worry, things are set to improve.

The Department for Constitutional Affairs, which oversees judges, has seen the report and acknowledged the findings within.

Says a spokesperson for the DCA: “The commissioners have made a number of criticisms and a number of helpful suggestions on the way forward.

“Working closely with the senior judiciary, we will consider all the commission’s points carefully.”

That’s just dandy. And The Secretary of State for Constitutional Affairs will soon put things to rights.

And who is that trusty sword? Why, none other than Lord Falconer of Thornton, the Lord Chancellor!’

Posted: 2nd, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Cops and Robbers

‘FROM Saddam Hussein and British judges, we now take a look at some real old-fashioned criminals.

‘Mortgage rates go down, or the bitch gets it!’

And who is more real or old-fashioned than the “Bonnie and Clyde” pair, as featured in this morning’s Independent.

The duo have, apparently, been terrifying building society customers by rushing in and screaming, “Interest rates are up by 2%! We’re all going to be homeless!”

Of course, they don’t – we already have the Express for that.

Their modus operandi is rather for him to dash into the branch, grab a female customer, point a knife to her throat and demand cash – or else.

The tellers than hand over bundles of dough and he, dragging the woman off, makes good his escape.

But let‘s take a look at that woman again. And again. And again. Because on each of the six occasions the robber is feared to have struck, the same woman has become his hostage.

Our excellent and very bright police force have therefore deduced that either the woman is A) very unlucky or B) in on the caper.

And the result is that they must be caught before someone gets hurt. Although, until they find the woman, the cops can’t be sure who that someone will be…’

Posted: 2nd, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


To Tell The Truth

‘HEARING Saddam Hussein’s first public address in six months reminds us of the opening sequence to TV’s To Tell The Truth.

It’s going to (death) penalties

Saddam comes into the room, mimes shooting dead a member of the Iraqi political elite and declares: “I am Saddam Hussein al-Majid, President of the Republic of Iraq.”

A panel comprised of an unnamed Iraqi judge, the chief prosecutor Salem Chalabi and coalition officials then has to decide if Saddam is telling the truth (clue: he’s not), make him aware of this rights and decide what to do with him.

One person who may have an idea of what happens to Saddam next is another man who says he is President of Iraq, one Ghazi al-Yawa.

The Guardian hears Iraqi President No.2 say that the new Iraqi regime will restore capital punishment.

“We promise the Iraqi people and the world that Saddam will receive a fair hearing,” he says.

“The death penalty is going to be available to the court. We are now an independent sovereign country again and we need to reimpose the penalty.”

Little wonder then that ”Chemical” Ali Hasan al-Majid, who is alleged to have ordered gas attacks on Kurds, is said by Chalabi to have visibly shaking with fear as he and ten other Hussein aides were transferred to Iraqi legal custody by the Americans.

But such is the way with these things that Hussein, now aged 67, will most likely die of natural causes by the time his 20-strong defence team have picked through the case against him.

One senior American official may well not be bluffing when he says in the Times that prosecutors have found some “very significant documents” relating to the machinations of the Hussein regime.

But when they’ve had to look though 30 million bits of paper to get a few incriminating sheets, Hussein’s lawyers need only to demand they see what the prosecution has seen for this trial to go on for years.

And then there are 11 more defendants to put on trial – the likes of Tariq Aziz (“I am Deputy Prime Minister of the Revolutionary Command Council”) and Barazan Ibrahim Hassan al-Tikriti (“I am Saddam’s half-brother and head of the secret police”).

But not – yet – comical Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (“I am George Bush and, boy, did we ever whoop those Iraqi’s be-hinds?”).

All the judge and his panel need do now is discover who is telling the truth and who is lying.

And for us to remind them that they are playing for very high stakes…’

Posted: 1st, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Dear Camilla

‘WE are aware how very much in love Prince Charles is with Camilla Parker Bowles, but does he really write her 2,000 love letters each year?

‘Is that your battered white Fiat Uno?’

Such a production rate would tax the wrist of any lover and take up valuable time that could be spent canoodling on polo fields and studying the Prince’s etchings.

So, perhaps not all of the Prince’s letters go to Camilla. Perhaps some go elsewhere.

This is not to say Charles is conducting an illicit affair behind his lover’s back – he is, after all, our Prince, defender of our faith and all that, and to even suggest he is an adulterer would be an outrage.

But the 48-page document published yesterday detailing the Prince’s work in the community only says he writes 2,000 letters himself and not to whom he writes them.

And don’t think for a second that his office writes these missives for him. Although the secretaries do pen a further 10,000 letters – many in reply to the 33,000 he received last year – he still writes 2,000 himself.

But who gets them? And why does one person get a letter written directly by the Prince while another gets one penned by one of his 18 private secretaries and talented begonias?

It might be best to address this point in a letter to the man himself.

However, what reply you’ll get is down to chance – and whether or not you include your phone number and a naked photo inside…’

Posted: 1st, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Dolled Up

‘PRINCESS Diana lives on in all our hearts. She was, after all, the Queen of such organs.

Now with realistic retching sounds!

But sometimes we forget. It’s not our fault, it’s just what with the pressures of modern life, we lose track of the things that really matter, like dresses, playboys and holidays.

What we need are aides-memoir, things that will serve as constant reminders of Our Lady Of The Immaculate Appearance.

And Hans Buchinger, a restaurant-owner from Wels in Austria, is said by the Times to have come up with just the thing: Dodi and Diana dolls.

This way, the inventor says, we can celebrate the “happiness and love” of the couple’s relationship.

“Just like Barbie and Ken, I want to bring Dodi and Diana into every children’s room in every house in the world,” says the man.

“As well as dolls, I want to create accessories like a fantasy horse and carriage and other things. There are no boundaries.”

Indeed there are not, and we can’t wait to take delivery of a Dodi and Diana Scalextric set, and race our white Fiat Uno against Dodi and Diana’s black Mercedes.

But do not expect to get such items in every store, just the good ones.

You won’t get the Dodi and Diana range in Harrod’s, for instance. Owner, and Dodi’s dad, Mohammed Fayed, is appalled.

“This is just another disgusting attempt to cash in on the tragedy,” says he.

Indeed, the Times reports that the custodians of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund may block the dolls’ production.

They have already scuppered some other ideas, such as the Diana lavatory seat covers (to cushion the head?), colonic irrigation kits and bumper stickers reading “Bye bye, Di.”

However, the Anorak Diana Pregnancy testing kit is available in our latest catalogue…’

Posted: 1st, July 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


No Service

‘FOR millions of Londoners and commuters into the capital, life just got better.

The RMT offers its full support to Tim Henman

Mornings routinely ruined by surly station staff, overpriced tickets and the chance to catch any number of diseases as they sit in a metal Tube while technician Bob and his large hammer try to realign the stuck points are over.

Bob Crow, the general secretary of the Rail, Maritime and Transport Union, has heard the muffled cries for help, seen the weather forecast, noted the television schedules and decided it’s time to act.

So, as the Telegraph reports, he and the 7,500 RMT members he represents have walked out on strike for 30 hours.

That should leave plenty of time for the workaholics, sun worshipers and Henmaniacs who operate the Tube network to recharge their batteries, top up their tans and watch all of Tim Henman’s quarter-final match at Wimbledon on the box by the time the strike ends at 6:30 tonight.

More power to your tennis elbows, brothers and sisters.

The only flaw to the plan is if Henman’s match goes to an epic five-setter. What other course of action will be open to Crow than to immediately call another strike?

Sure, Londoners and Tube riders will understand the RMT’s voting for an emergency extension to the industrial action – the Henman-induced wild-tiger strike – but will the powers that be prove as supportive?

Well, here goes nothing. As the Times says, Crow and his ilk have started demanding conditions that will surely never be agreed. The impasse will lengthen the strike.

Under the deal proposed by Transport for London, workers would receive a 3.5% pay rise this year, 0.5 above the rate of inflation next year and the promise of a 35-hour week for all staff by 2006.

To most workers this sounds generous. But to the Henmaniacs at RMT HQ, it’s an overhead smash in the teeth. So the RMT have now called for a four-day week.

Impossible, says TfL. It would lead to “crippling fare increases for Londoners,” says London mayor Ken Livingstone. “Britain cannot be held hostage by outdated militant unionist tactics,” says the British Chambers of Commerce.

And that’s just perfect for the RMT and Mr Crow who will now surely not lift the threat of more strike action until the four-day week is made law – or Tim Henman is knocked out of Wimbledon.’

Posted: 30th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


The Tiger’s Claws

‘WE’VE wrestled alligators, bungee jumped from a Boeing 747 and seen Vanessa Feltz in a swimsuit, but even we at Anorak Towers have never queued for Wimbledon tickets with the Henmaniacs.

Hands up for cake?

HRT Tim Henman’s legions of fans are not to be mingled with lightly. And the Guardian has spotted a load of them standing in line for tickets to see their idol.

There’s Jo Ward, 43, from Cambridge. “I have been coming here for 20 years and I am determined to watch Henman play,” says she.

“We get through the night by talking or playing games,” she continues. “It’s great fun because many of us who queue through the night have got to know each other over the years.”

It all sounds like jolly good fun, indeed – until you read in the Times just what passes for fun in the Wimbledon queue.

The Times says that so far this year, 17 people have been arrested trying to smuggle weapons into the club.

A zero-tolerance policy is in operation. Security guards are searching every bag on entry and visitors are obliged to pass through metal detectors.

And the haul has been remarkable. As the Times notes, the typical Tim Henman fan – or at least 17 of them – is armed with a knife and a can of Mace spray.

Of course, the Henmaniacs are not guilty of plotting an attack on Henman’s opponents, of hoping to “do a Seles” on Roger Federer.

They can point to the fact that mace is a spicy ingredient employed in the making of Tim’s favourite scones and that the knife makes a perfect tool with which to spread some of their delicious homemade jam.

And if you don’t believe that explanation, they’ll take you round the back of Court 18 and prove it to you…’

Posted: 30th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


We’re All Loosers

‘WHAT once would have been construed as an act of sacrilege, now barely raises a trimmed eyebrow.

So long as he doesn’t kick it, we should be okay

The Times brings to the world the news that a portrait of David Beckham being displayed at an exhibition of footballers at the Royal Academy has been vandalised.

Over the black-and-white shot of Dave, some mindless oik has written the words in red ink: “You Loosers [sic].”

The 5ft-wide picture, taken by Mark Hom and once valued at £7,500, is now being described by its creator as a “write-off”.

David Grob, the show’s curator, is not happy. “I’m extremely upset,” says he, as are all England fans who saw that penalty.

“We expected to get football fans looking around and we’ve ended up with football hooligans. We were all very annoyed when England went out of the tournament but this is just too much.”

Thankfully, what with the wonders of technology, another identical picture can be made, minus the critic’s comments.

But while we wait for Beckham II, the Times notices that the old snap has been removed from public view to a place unspecified.

Perhaps it has been destroyed. Perhaps it will be retained for posterity as a reminder of how our love affair with Beckham ended in bitterness.

Or perhaps it will be hung from a lamppost in east London…Wigan, Manchester, Madrid, St Albans…’

Posted: 30th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Shock And More

‘IN the end, everybody can claim to have been proved right.

‘Let’s bomb France’

George Bush and Tony Blair can say they kept their promise and did restore something like independence to the Iraqis.

The cynics can argue that the advertised June 30th handover date was not reached and that anyway America still holds sway.

And the Guardian can look at yesterday’s event in which the Iraqi peoples said “howdy” to their new Prime Minister, Iyad Allawi, and wonder what exactly has happened.

The paper’s man on the spot observed the handover ceremony (held “behind high concrete barriers stronger than most medieval fortifications”), heard the talk of a brave new era, and then emerged into the blinding daylight to see two US apache helicopter gunships “pirouetting low in the furnace sky”.

And a sign hanging below a watchtower promising: “Keep Away. Deadly Force Authorised. Tactical Military Vehicles ONLY. Do Not Enter Or You Will Be Shot.”

The readers also get to see the paper’s leading photograph of a jump-jawed, proud Blair and a narrow-eyed Bush shaking hands at a job well done.

The trigger for this show of mutual appreciation was a note written by Condoleeza Rice, the US National Security Advisor, and passed to the American President.

It reads: “Mr President, Iraq is sovereign. Letter was passed from Bremer at 10:26AM Iraq time – Condi.” In black ink he then writes: “Let Freedom Reign!”

Many will attempt to decode the message, looking for hidden meaning – including Bush, who must still be wondering what ‘sovereign’ means and why he was told to spell ‘rain’ in that funny way.

He will at least know that Bremer is Paul Bremer, who was until yesterday the administrator for the Coalition Provisional Authority.

However, if Bush still doubts who or what Bremer is, he can get to meet him soon enough since, the Times says, Bremer wasted little time in clearing the field for Allawi by legging it onto a flight bound for the US with the ink on the new deal barely out of the pen.

And so long as those dancing helicopters keep a close eye on Bremer’s flight home and just about everything else that moves in Iraq, the Iraqi peoples might just be able to make a success of things…’

Posted: 29th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


McQueen’s Own Infantry

‘PITY the American soldier who doesn’t look good in green.

Enough to disarm any terrorist

But help for him is on the way, and it’s arriving in the portly form of London-born fashion designer Alexander McQueen.

The Telegraph’s military fashion expert was in Milan yesterday to see a clutch of hand-pickled cadets from America’s legendary West Point academy, New York, try out some alternative uniforms.

The first-time models, chosen for their Asian looks, can be seen in a variety of battle garb passing down a runway through clouds of incense to the theme tune from the M.A.S.H. TV show.

From dispatches, Bilko wears a bright pink parachute with a matching pink gas mask – the last word in chemical warfare chic.

Hogan has had his head and torso painted in woad-like blue, his shoulders wrapped in an embroidered shirt, cropped to leave said torso exposed, and his lower half ensconced in a pair of brown trousers held aloft by a mirrored belt.

Hawkeye sports a hooded, sleeveless T-shirt, aviator goggles, heavy eye kohl and a faraway look (model’s own).

It’s all very significant. After all, McQueen says it is.

“It is a political statement,” says he – which hopefully will not lead to the likes of John Prescott making similarly bold statements in hotpants and boob tube.’

Posted: 29th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Drink To Success

‘GIVEN the redness of the can and the desire for post-totalitarian Russia to move on from its past, Coca Cola never stood a chance.

The 99% proof is in the mixing

It was always going to be Pepsi blue. And now what we suspected has been confirmed.

The Times reports that the Kremlin is to bestow its new official mark of approval on the soft drink.

Like a Royal Warrant, the new Guild Of Purveyors To The Kremlin stamp will let Russians know that the drink many of them can’t afford, or even get, is freely available in their seat of government.

And there will be more. As Ivan and Olga fill up the family paper bag with petrol, which they will torch to facilitate the cooking of the weekly potato, the Kremlin looks through its larder.

And it sees around 30 items which President Putin likes and, what’s more, is prepared to say he likes.

The full list is not known to the Times, but given that one aim of this branding exercise is to promote Russian goods, the notion that the menu contains 29 types of vodka remains high.

Or the perfect Pepsi mixer, as it is known in the Kremlin.’

Posted: 29th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


All The Way, Jose

‘PORTUGAL wins! Well, nearly wins – the appointment of Jose Manuel Durao Barroso as the new president of the European Commission has yet to be formalised, ratified, sanctioned, vetoed and all those other things European politicians and their policies are subject to.

‘John Terry pushed me into it’

But he is the favourite to take up the seat to be vacated by Roman Prodi, a man less recognisable to the British than a Swiss referee and dear Ernst Strasser, Austria’s Federal Minister of the Interior.

Mindful of the invisibility of Signor Prodi, the Times briefly introduces his would-be successor, the current Portuguese Prime Minister.

There’s even an accompanying wallet-sized, cut-out-and-keep photo of the man for all the likely future president’s UK-based citizens to whip out whenever they want to remind themselves what their new leader looks like.

And best get used to his face quickly, since the man forwarded for the top spot by Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern will be officially nominated tomorrow, barring any hitch.

And barring the likes of Robert Kilroy-Silk.

No, Kilroy will never be president of anything other than the Tanning Society and the Kilroy Fan Club, but he and his UKIP cohorts are planning to scupper Barroso’s election and just about anything else pan-European in nature.

And they have they means to do it. The Times introduces another player in the European political arena. Step forward and rattle your change, Paul Sykes.

A keen supporter of the UKIP, Yorkshireman Sykes has been charged with expanding the UKIP’s presence and leading future campaigns.

And he’s got more than change to flash around, since he’s worth around £500m. He’s got the means to do some damage to the European Union.

“I’ll spend every penny I have,” says Sykes, a former Tory supporter. “To me, it’s no good creating wealth to leave to your child if you’re not going to leave them with a self-governing democracy.”

Durao Barroso – and Mr Sykes’ four children – will be surely delighted to hear that.’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Summing Up

‘LAST week, we reported on a survey in the Daily Express conducted to discover what the “19” EU member states think of Britain and its peoples.

‘If England score three goals and Portugal score two, what is the result? Show workings’

We were upset less about how we as nation are viewed as we were by the paper’s maths, which fell six short of the mark.

But the Express is not the only stupido in class. The Guardian says that we are in the grip of a “national crisis in mathematics”.

But don’t worry because the Government wants to change things.

Having changed things so that even youngsters who achieve an A-grade at GCSE level are “armed with poor mathematical skills”, the Government now plans to change things so graduates are better equipped.

So Charles Clarke, the education secretary, will show he’s learnt from his mistakes and those of a million teenagers by unveiling a new drive for better maths.

This will include closing a loophole in GCSE maths which allows poor students to get a decent grade – the three tiers of papers will be cut to two.

And, according to the Times, the other big idea is to pay maths teachers more money.

The cap on teachers’ salaries will be lifted for maths teachers, enabling them to earn as much as £60,000 a year.

Trainee maths teachers will also get more financial encouragement from the Government. Those training to be teachers in the less glamorous subjects will see their bursaries rise from £1,000 to £7,000 from September next year.

And newly qualified maths teacher will receive “golden hellos” from colleges and schools in the shape of a cheque for £4,000 to £5,000.

The one problem is that the new teachers will be drawn from the very group that have been educated under the old system and scored those largely discredited A-grades.

But it’s no problem Clarke and his minions can’t fix…with the help of a calculator.’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Think Tank

‘WE like Professor David Begg. We have always maintained that he talks a lot of sense.

The mums’ race at the school sports day was very competitive

So when the man the Independent calls the Government’s most senior advisor on transport speaks, we listen and nod in appreciation at his wisdom.

And Mr Begg now says: “If people want to cause damage to the environment, create congestion and continue to threaten the safety of other road users by driving these vehicles around, then they should be made to pay for it.”

Bravo! A rousing cheer and a parp on the horn for the chairman of the Commission for Integrated Transport.

But what are “these vehicles” to which the good Mr Begg refers? Why, they are 4x4s, natch, the mainstay of the school run, the vehicle that keeps little Jack secure and safe while his helmet-haired mummy mounts the kerb and ploughs into his classmates.

Begg’s report, A Programme For Change, recommends that drivers of urban tanks are forced to pay more for their stupidity in the form of higher excise duty.

What this price will be is not said, so we’d like to make our own suggestion. Drivers of 4x4s will pay with their souls and the lives of their first born.

There, sounds fair to us, and we daresay to our good mate Mr Begg, as well…’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Iraq – The Cost

‘IF President Bush and Tony Blair are worried about their approval ratings at home, they should be glad they are not standing for election in Baghdad.

‘So, Paul. How about that as a recipe for disaster?’

According to a report in this morning’s Guardian, 80% of Iraqis have expressed no confidence in the US civilian authorities and, after yesterday’s co-ordinated attacks by insurgents in which as many as 100 people are thought to have died, they probably haven’t got that much confidence in the US military.

Nor, judging by recent polls, are the Americans themselves much enamoured by the war which has cost them a staggering $126bn so far.

For their money (the equivalent of $3,415 per household), they have seen 952 coalition soldiers die, 853 of whom have been Americans, 6,370 Iraqi soldiers and 11,317 Iraqi civilians.

Between 50 and 90 civilian contractors and missionaries and 30 journalists are also dead.

The figures, which do not include yesterday’s attacks, were compiled by the Institute For Policy Studies and represent, according to the report’s lead author Phyllis Bennis, an ‘enormously high price for failure’.

‘It’s not as if we’re becoming more safe,’ she tells the Guardian. ‘It’s not as if we are bringing peace to Iraq or democracy to the Middle East.’

With only five days to go before power is, at least nominally, handed over to the Iraqis, the Independent also marks the US card, in particular that of its proconsul Paul Bremer.

‘He alone cannot be blamed for the spiralling violence on the ground,’ it says generously. ‘His resoluteness and decisiveness are much praised.

‘Early on, however, he made what are now universally acknowledged to have been two huge mistakes.

‘He disbanded the former Iraqi army in its entirety and purged Ba’ath party members from their jobs in ministries, schools and universities.’

After the handover next Wednesday, Bremer says he intends to quit public life, write the obligatory book and enrol at a cooking academy in Washington DC.

There he will no doubt learn how to break eggs without making an omelette…’

Posted: 25th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Paper Chase

‘IT’S an expensive business being a student these days – on top of all the money spent on beer, drugs and deodorant, they now have to find money for tuition fees…and exam papers.

‘And I got 100% as well!’

The Telegraph this morning picks up on a story that was in yesterday’s tabloids to the effect that this year’s A-level papers are on offer on the streets of London for £1,000.

Visitors to the capital, it must be said, might be somewhat bemused to be taken aside and offered a piece of paper asking them about the anaerobic respiration of a carbohydrate, rather than the normal beefeater’s hat and Union Jack T-shirt.

But the Telegraph says the biology paper is the sixth to be stolen during this year’s season and, because the theft was discovered so late, there was not time to amend it.

One A-level student claimed four students had clubbed together to buy the paper for Wednesday’s statistics exam and then sold on photocopies to other students.

‘When we came out, some were openly checking their stolen photocopies with the real thing,’ he told the paper.

‘I worked hard and yet these people will get better grades than me and, if a lot of people have cheated, the grade boundaries will go up and I will get a lower grade because of it.’

Alternatively, it will work as it does every year – everyone will get As, the Government will pat itself on the back and Telegraph readers will send in angry letters complaining about how the exams were much harder in their day…’

Posted: 25th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment


Happy Talk

‘WHEN the students leave university with their five A-levels, degree in media studies and £20,000 debt, the fun is only just beginning.

‘So much for my media studies degree!’

For the Times has seen a new report into the lives of 25 to 35-year-olds…and it doesn’t make pretty reading.

‘Instead of revelling in the energy and rude health that youth affords,’ it says, ‘they are worrying about their debts, regretting their career choices and dreaming of leaving their jobs to find personal satisfaction.’

Nearly 60% of those surveyed say their job does not fulfil their wider life ambitions, while almost as many say they are looking for a new job.

However, author Damian Barr said that by the time they reached 30 many people had realised that the problems they initially attributed to a particular boss or job were in fact inherent in their career.

‘That’s when a lot of people decide to go travelling, to return to university or to move to the country,’ he said.

‘For someone who had to work in two jobs to pay off their loans at the same time as studying, they may feel they have a right to expect more from life at the end of it.’

Still, at least they know all there is to know about catalytic ability of enzymes…’

Posted: 25th, June 2004 | In: Broadsheets | Comment