Top news from The Times, Daily Telegraph, The Indepedent and The Guardian newspapers
ANORAK remembers when the Guardian tried to influence voters in the US or A who were too darn stooped to work out that George Bush was going to kill them all with his weather machine.
BRYONY Gordon, who dresses like a bit of a slapper and works for the Telegraph, is thinking about sexually transmitted diseases:
Sexually transmitted infections in teenagers have risen 21 per cent – cases of chlamydia and gonorrhoea are up, up, up, chastity is down, down, down, and while the average age to lose your virginity in the 1980s was 17, today a quarter of young people are sexually active before they turn 16.
Hacks are notoriously bad at maths, but here Bryony manages to mix up her percentages with her averages.
Can we say that in the 1980s, a quarter of young people were sexually active, as she says is now the case?
Yes, we can. But to do so would dismiss Bryony’s story and make it something of a non-story. Still, everyone likes a bit of a slapper in the Tele’s offices, so more of Bryony, please…
“It’s the £100m race to keep Old masters in National Gallery” – Herald
Any reason why the Scottish paper shold focus on the Duke of Sutherland’s offer to sell Titian’s Diana & Actaeon and Diana & Callisto for £50million a piece to the nation at a discount to their £300m market value?
OBAMANIA Watch – Anorak’s look at Barack Obama in the news…
Want to know what “Obama’s dream” is?
The message, written in English, allegedly included a threat to target “all the political leaders, especially Tony Blair and Gordan (sic) Brown”.
A damning indiuctment of our education system, and a pretty shoddy showing for Gordon Brown, who after an entire year in power is known among alleged extremists as “Gordan”. Are all, alleged, jihadis thick?
THE plot to kill Barack Obama – the Barack Obama Death Cult – sees three more persons held by police.
At least that’s what the Sun says on its front page. It’s the “plot to kill Obama,” says the Express on its cover.
There were four people, which means either one is on the loose, or else has been adopted by Russian agents/ the Far Right/ the CIA/ the Mafia/ The Taliban/ Hillary Clinton/ Joe Biden fans to kill Obama at a later date.
One day on from the news of Israel’s “our Maddie”, Sky news leads with “Israel’s our Maddie”. As Anorak readers know Israel’s our Maddie is called Rose Ron. Sky News – First for breaking news…
Rose Ron is missing. Rose Ron was missing:
No-one seemed to really notice until her grandfather walked into a Tel Aviv police station two weeks ago and confessed to her murder.
No-one? Subtext: Sky News didn’t notice.
In “Target Obama: An American nightmare”, Ian Munro tells The age and its reader how Barack Obama must die:
IT IS a recurring American nightmare, a fear that haunts a nation and that has stalked every presidential candidate since the Kennedys.
Or the Lincolns. An not just the presidents, but all the candidates too. Anyone try to kill Ralph Nader? H. Ross Perot? Walter Mondale? And if not, why not? What’s their secret? And should Barack Obama model himself on Mondale?
THE sea ice is melting. Polar Bears are upon us. The whales are melting!
It seems unthinkable, but for the first time in human history, ice is on course to disappear entirely from the North Pole this year. – The Indepedent
See the graph? It shows the current and expected sea ice area in the Northern hemisphere:
And whaling pays off. Reports the Guardian:
The team says its study offers the first evidence that global warming could be harming whales, because it restricts their food supplies.
Whales are in danger! How do we know this? Because Japan has killed 4,500 whales since the late 1980s.
Thanks, Japan. Thanks for the tireless research…
MICHELLE Obama is telling Times readers about “our all-American story”. And Sky news screams: “Obama ‘Assassination arrests.”
What’s more American than a dead President?
To the Democrat Party’s convention in Denver, and local police have confirmed three men are being held in connection with drugs and weapons offences.
They were going to kill Obama, right? They are a cell of the Obama Death Cult and they were intending to do their worst, right?
Over in the Sun, Sky’s sister organ, the news is a little less certain:
JERUSALEM POST (Israel): Is Rose Israel’s Madeleine?
Who’s Rose? Is she a Maddie by another name?
IN The tabloid Telegraph, readers learn of when Stuffed Alligators Attack!
Roads were sealed off as they staked out the creature, which appeared to be lying in garden bushes with the remains of a bird in its jaws.
Now read on:
BORIS Johnson, mayor of London, waves the flag in Beijing. And Ken Livingstone, the miserabilist former mayor Boris beat.. Is he bitter?
Says the Independent:
A fecund father of five himself, he will next day be appearing on CBeebies. “It’s about how to run a campaign about saving water. I’ve got to advise and then judge which team is the best, which I will hate.”
Happy days. We just can’t stop winning…
Becks lives in Los Angeles, so does Leona. But what the hell, they were born in London and that will do.
The Times leads with pictures of Londoners who live in London, and a load of tourists, celebrating the arrival of the fearsomely expensive sporting event in four years time They are waving flags beating the Olympics logo – that picture of Lisa Simpson felating on an unknown IOC member.
FEEL that seismic shift? That was the British economy coming to a halt.
INDEPENDENT: “British economy grinds to halt.”
FT: “British economy shudders to a halt”.
TELEGRAPH: British economy “shudders to a halt”.
Did you feel it? Did the Earth move for you..?
MAIL On SUNDAY: “McCANNS’ FUND IN £500,000 CHAOS.”
A team of private investigators working behind the scenes to find Madeleine McCann has been axed after being paid £500,000 from publicly donated funds.
“GIVE OUR HEOES A GONG,” says the Mail on its cover. Anorak senses a campaign, and one the Mail has every chance of winning (see Mirror).
Titles for one and all. And to go with the medals and ribbons, a valuable spot in the TV titles.
Peter Bradshaw is reviewing a film for the Guardian: It’s called: Zero: An Investigation Into 9/11
Good. How Christine Ohuruogu was allowed to compete for Blighty we will never understand.
But it turns out that the UK press is more concerned with “China’s golden girl”, He Kexin.
As Anorak has reported before, He is a She, such is often the communist world’s way at Olympics time, and despite He’s hairy top lip and deep baritone voice, He might only be 14.
GIVEN the level of paedo panic and Gary Glitter’s return, the Telegraph’s front-page picture of an older adult hand holding that of a child sends a shiver of revulsion in reader’s spine.
We examine the bigger hand for signs of stardust, Glitter, if you will, and wonder if anyone out there can identify the claw?
New is that, according to the Office for National Statistics, pensioners now outnumber under 16s.
Old Mr Anorak smiles and mutters something about it all being a terrific misunderstanding anyhow, and that he can now return to Wales.
The Mail puts it in more chilling terms: “DANGER CRIMINAL FILES GO MISSING.”
Those front-page words dice with a picture of Gary Glitter for our attention. Not all villains are now invisible. We have Glitter, and will watch him like a hawk at a nudists’ colony.
Liars blink less frequently than normal during the lie, and then speed up to around eight times faster than usual afterwards.
THE Italians are upon us:
They have survived two world wars, a sex scandal and the feet of thousands of visitors to the Berkshire country house of Cliveden, to conduct what must be the slowest invasion of Britain by an alien species.
For the past 110 years, a colony of snails has managed to crawl unnoticed from an imported stone balustrade brought from Italy in the 1890s, to claim a piece of British territory up to the terrace of the house just 27m (88ft) away.
A National Trust volunteer spotted the snails while cleaning some statues in the garden. It was the first time that anyone had realised that the Mediterranean mollusc had managed to establish a bridgehead into Britain – at the dizzy pace of about 25cm a year.
Insert joke about reverse gears on Italian snails here…
GARY Glitter. Let’s have a paedo amnesty. Hand in your paedo pics and videos and tell the cops where you got them. No action taken against you. How about it?
Carol Sarler writes in the Times:
With impeccably spun timing, while Gary Glitter hunkered down at Bangkok airport to avoid police interrogation at Heathrow, Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, took to the airwaves yesterday to announce new initiatives to prevent paedophiles from travelling as “sex tourists”. Snatch their passports, she cried. Ground them for five years. Nail their filthy feet to the floor.
Yeah, keep sexual deviants at home in the UK. Much better…