“GIVE OUR HEOES A GONG,” says the Mail on its cover. Anorak senses a campaign, and one the Mail has every chance of winning (see Mirror).
Titles for one and all. And to go with the medals and ribbons, a valuable spot in the TV titles.
Peter Bradshaw is reviewing a film for the Guardian: It’s called: Zero: An Investigation Into 9/11
Good. How Christine Ohuruogu was allowed to compete for Blighty we will never understand.
But it turns out that the UK press is more concerned with “China’s golden girl”, He Kexin.
As Anorak has reported before, He is a She, such is often the communist world’s way at Olympics time, and despite He’s hairy top lip and deep baritone voice, He might only be 14.
GIVEN the level of paedo panic and Gary Glitter’s return, the Telegraph’s front-page picture of an older adult hand holding that of a child sends a shiver of revulsion in reader’s spine.
We examine the bigger hand for signs of stardust, Glitter, if you will, and wonder if anyone out there can identify the claw?
New is that, according to the Office for National Statistics, pensioners now outnumber under 16s.
Old Mr Anorak smiles and mutters something about it all being a terrific misunderstanding anyhow, and that he can now return to Wales.
The Mail puts it in more chilling terms: “DANGER CRIMINAL FILES GO MISSING.”
Those front-page words dice with a picture of Gary Glitter for our attention. Not all villains are now invisible. We have Glitter, and will watch him like a hawk at a nudists’ colony.
Liars blink less frequently than normal during the lie, and then speed up to around eight times faster than usual afterwards.
THE Italians are upon us:
They have survived two world wars, a sex scandal and the feet of thousands of visitors to the Berkshire country house of Cliveden, to conduct what must be the slowest invasion of Britain by an alien species.
For the past 110 years, a colony of snails has managed to crawl unnoticed from an imported stone balustrade brought from Italy in the 1890s, to claim a piece of British territory up to the terrace of the house just 27m (88ft) away.
A National Trust volunteer spotted the snails while cleaning some statues in the garden. It was the first time that anyone had realised that the Mediterranean mollusc had managed to establish a bridgehead into Britain – at the dizzy pace of about 25cm a year.
Insert joke about reverse gears on Italian snails here…
GARY Glitter. Let’s have a paedo amnesty. Hand in your paedo pics and videos and tell the cops where you got them. No action taken against you. How about it?
Carol Sarler writes in the Times:
With impeccably spun timing, while Gary Glitter hunkered down at Bangkok airport to avoid police interrogation at Heathrow, Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, took to the airwaves yesterday to announce new initiatives to prevent paedophiles from travelling as “sex tourists”. Snatch their passports, she cried. Ground them for five years. Nail their filthy feet to the floor.
Yeah, keep sexual deviants at home in the UK. Much better…
So what better time for a game of Tabloid Bingo!?
Eyes down for the front-page numbers of dead:
AMY Winehouse? Yes, she is alive. And d0ing what’s does best: making news.
DAILY MIRROR: “Sadie Frost worse for wear after evening with Amy Winehouse”
Arriving at Amy’s Camden pad at around midnight, the 43-year-old mother-of-four was all perky and smiley, holding hands with on-off toy-boy lover Kristian Marr.
We can only begin to imagine what happened behind closed doors…
MORE news from the Celebrity Police Force which has issued a statement that reads:
“The issue is not the act itself, it is the profile of fans that follow the act. Wiltshire police do not have an issue with Pete Doherty or Babyshambles.”
DAILY MIRROR: “Madeleine McCann: Nanny’s new sketch echoes picture of kidnapper”
That’s the picture on the left. For wont of name, we’ll call him Cool.
ISLAM in the media. Johann Hari explains:
There is now a pincer movement trying to silence critical discussion of Islam. To one side, fanatics threaten to kill you; to the other, critics call you “Islamophobic”. But consistent atheism is not racism. On the contrary: it treats all people as mature adults who can cope with rational questions. When we pulp books out of fear of fundamentalism, we are decapitating the most precious freedom we have.
LACRYMOSE actress Gwyneth Paltrow is fronting the autumn collection of fur-lined boots and bags from the Italian company Tod’s.
PETA, Viva and (Noakes) why are animal rights groups named after Blue Peter presenters) are unhappy, as is their wont. Says the Independent:
The row is ironic, as Ms Paltrow enjoys a close friendship with the designer Stella McCartney. Following in the footsteps of her staunchly vegetarian mother, Linda, Ms McCartney refuses to use fur – in direct contrast to the views of her friend, who has in the past described it as being “feminine and very elegant”.
Ironic. Sure thing.
Silk is made like this…
POLICE- police thyselves:
West Midlands Police suffered the most expensive spate of thefts in England and Wales losing £130,000 worth of equipment.
A spokeswoman for the force said: “West Midlands Police is eager to learn any lessons it can to improve security around police premises and property.”
Greater Manchester Police had £50,000 worth of property stolen including a Samurai sword and four tyres.
“While any theft is unacceptable most of the items stolen are of a reasonably low value, with the exception of one incidence where a £30,000 car was stolen,” said a spokesman,
The police – who polices the police?
THERE’S a new poll in the Guardian. The result gives the paper the front-page headline: “Change of leader would not help Labour beat Cameron.”
The statistics never lie – not even when 101% of the population respond…
STUART Hill, 65, moved onto Forvik by the Shetlands– 2½ acres of rock and grass – last June.
He has been living in the Shetlands since 2001 after capsizing a yacht 50 miles northwest of Forvik during an attempt to sail around Britain, an incident that led to him being dubbed “Captain Calamity”.
GLOBAL warming panic: rising sea levels:
People living on some stretches of coastline will be forced to abandon their homes and move inland as sea levels rise, the new head of the Environment Agency has warned -Daily Telegraph
THE 11,000 inhabitants of a tiny Pacific country that was predicted to vanish under water because of the effects of global warming have been given a reprieve because sea levels have begun to fall - Daily Telegraph
At least we can swim…
THE TIMES: “Sorry, no more babies. Eco-doctor’s orders…”
Says Judith O’Reilly: “On holiday you become a Hydra-headed ‘problem to be dealt with’”
Judith is talking about her kidzzz
MICHAEL Phelps has won seven gold medals… No eight… Now nine… And so on. Can you win too many gold medals?
In the Guardian Kate Rew is contemplating swimming with the Gods:
In the Olympics in Ancient Rome, the powerfully built swimmers (nude, like all the sportsmen, so the crowds could better appreciate the mastery of the human body) swam in the rolling currents of the Tiber.
Those ancient Greek Romans. Now they really good swim…
And amid the “GOLD RUSH” (Express, Independent), “OUR GREATEST OLYMPIC DAY” (People) is the news that plucky Paula Radcliffe, the country’s great marathon runner, DID cry when she lost and DID stop two miles from home, bravely finishing the race in scenes reminiscent of Reach For The Sky.
Just four years ago Radcliffe wowed Olympic crowds in Athens when she failed to complete the course, dropping out of the race she had no hope of winning.
Now to prove that was no fluke, the spirit-of-the-blitz and never-say-die Brit picked up her running spikes and…
Continues in all papers…
Given the history of Poland, the Sun’s headline statement solicits the enjoiner: “No, WE’LL nuke Poland”… “No, we’ll nuke Poland”…”No WE will”, and so on…
(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or website)
The initial threat, says the Telegraph on its front page, was issued by a representative of Russia, a country that has yet to nuke anyone other than its own allies in the former Soviet Union.
AFTER a cold all approach, a window trader was demanding a deposit for the £31,000 he quoted to replace a couple’s windows.
The couple, who have two young children, repeatedly asked him to leave before calling the police and handing him the phone so that a police officer could tell him to go.
And did the coppers buy any windows?
PSST! Wanna ogle an underage girl and discuss her chest size? Then read the Sydney Morning Herald, the paper that cares:
Lindsay Lohan’s 14-year-old sister Ali has reportedly had a boob job. The teenager – who will release her second studio album later this year – was seen flaunting her new curves at a Jonas Brothers concert in New York last week, sparking rumours she had gone under the knife to enhance her cleavage.
Let’s have a heated debate…
“Drugs epidemic wrecking Britain.” For Sun readers that’s “broken Britain”, being wrecked, or mashed, as we know it to be. “DRUGS BRITAIN,” advertises the Indy.
The bombshell figures — which reveal 2million adults have taken drugs in the last month — will fuel calls for a crackdown on celebrity drug users like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.
Before Winehouse and Doherty appeared, drugs were an Americanism for pharmaceuticals. Says the Sun: “More than 400 under-16s were admitted last year, compared with 272 in 1997.”
In 1997, Anorak can reveal that the country’s top stars were, in order, Timmy Mallett, Steps and Ally McBeal. Innocent days, indeed.