Had Their Chips

”’EDUCATION, education, education” was such a hit at the polls that it’s a real wonder Tony Blair hasn’t repeated his famous mantra more often.

”It’s an email from sir. He says that he’s living in a shed in Fife”

One reason he doesn’t might be because education is in a mess. The Independent uses its front page to tell readers how almost 1,500 teachers and support staff have just been issued with their marching orders.

It seems that a lack of funds and falling numbers of pupils, which a BBC report produced in the Guardian says accounts for around 700 of the redundancies, are swelling the ranks of the unemployed.

The Times says that, in all, 379 professional full-time teachers have been given the boot simply because their schools lack the cash to keep them on.

But the Government is not in power for no reason (really it’s not) and the Times underscores the redundancy notice with news that the number of pupils expelled from schools increased by 4% on the previous year.

What are now called ”permanent exclusions” accounted for the classroom careers of 9,540 children in 2001-2002. There is, though, still some way to go before the 1996-97 peak of 12,668 expulsions.

Which means that taking the figure of 379 sacked educators, there is one unemployed teacher to every 25 or so pupils. Which, we can all agree, is a marvellous thing.

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Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Art Attack

‘BLESSEDLY, this country still produces some great artists and art. And if you like painting with elephant poo and seeing dirty knickers in bed, then the Turner Prize is a must.

Claire – if ever an artist so rare

To the Culture Minister, Kim Howells, as the Independent reminds us, the prize is a study in ”cold, mechanical, conceptual bullshit”.

Looking at some of the works on show, we wait with baited breath for Mr Howell’s appraisal of this year’s contest.

Meanwhile, the Guardian takes us through the shortlist, spotting Dinos and Jake Chapman’s McDonald’s munching statues, Willie Doherty’s videos of people running, running, running, and Anya Gallaccio’s organic sculptures.

But the one who will surely hog the limelight in the coming days is Grayson Perry, whose multimedia art takes second place to the fact that he’s also a transvestite called Claire.

Who will win? Place your bets…now. But our money’s on Ms Short.

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Posted: 30th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Donald, Where’s Your Weapons?

‘IN the end, after months of political wrangling and accusations, the only weapons of mass destruction so far seen in Iraq were those sent tumbling from American warplanes and fired by the joint American and British fleet in the Gulf.

A two-headed monster

We still await the discovery of those ominous weapons of mass destruction, the tools of Saddam Hussein’s trade in butchery and terror that gave the war so much of its legitimacy.

And the news is that they may never be found. The Independent has heard from Donald Rumsfeld, the American defence secretary, who was asked where the weapons are.

”It is…possible that they [Iraq] decided that they would destroy them prior to a conflict and I don’t know the answer,” came the thin reply.

To the paper, the case for war has been ”blown apart”. It’s a view shared by some politicians who speak to the Telegraph. Jeremy Corbyn, a Labour MP for Islington, no less, says that an attempt might now be made to try President Bush and Tony Blair for embarking on an ”illegal” conflict.

Robin Cook, the gnomish vanity case is quick to push out his little chest, contort his body, pat himself on the back and say how his decision to quit the Cabinet in protest over the Iraq situation has been vindicated.

Sadly Cook is the last one to realise what a largely irrelevant figure he has become, and the Guardian leads instead with Blair’s postwar tour of Iraq, which starts today.

Speaking from his plane, the PM is in bullish mood. ”I have said throughout and I repeat I have absolutely no doubt about the existence of weapons of mass destruction.”

He then lightly fingered his man bag, through which the words ”Super Soaker Spud Gun” could be plainly seen.

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Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Know Your Bananas

‘IF Tony Blair thinks answering questions on Iraq is fraught with danger, he should try a few of the questions posed in the Times.

Oxbridge candidate does a bit of revision

”What effect on the whole of society does someone crashing into a lamppost have?” Another? ”Is the Eurovison Song Contest an example of living nationalism?”

And, though not strictly a question, but nonetheless a statement designed to invite a response: ”Tell me about a banana.”

These are some of the questions that candidates to Oxford and Cambridge universities have had tossed at them during interview for entry.

The Telegraph also sees the questions, which came to light in a survey of 1,000 Oxbridge applicants conducted by Oxbridge Application, a firm that trains wannabe students to get into their college of choice.

John Uffindell, the company’s founder, explains: ”By doing research on what these questions are, we hope to equip the candidate with answers to questions that may come up.”

Sadly, he forgets to give the answers to the aforesaid three puzzlers.

However, in conference with Donald Rumsfeld, we have studied the problems and can reveal the answers to be, in no particular order, ”No”, ”Yes”, and ”I don’t know”.

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Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Blues In The Red

‘MORE proof that the Conservatives’ glory days are over comes with the Times’ front-page story that the Tories are no longer a ”viable” business.

Not a viable leader of not a viable party

The paper reports that independent auditors, PricewaterhouseCoopers, have told the Tory party that there is not enough income to guarantee the party’s survival.

After the last General Election, there was a surplus of £1.1 million in the Conservatives’ jam jar. However, the situation has darkened and the party is now just under £9m in debt.

And when you’re the team in blue, being in the red is no good thing.

”It is worrying,” says one unnamed senior Tory. ”The auditors have raised us the fear that we are no longer a going concern because spending outstrips income.”

But why worry? With the ship going down with all hands, best resign yourself to fate and drink up the last of the good stuff. Chin-chin.

‘

Posted: 29th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Gang Of 4×4

‘IT’S an oddity that the type of mums who buy organic food and bemoan the greedy farmers who inject chickens with growth hormones spend so much of the lives pretending to be farmers.

Now comes with armour-plating as standard

It’s the dreaded 4×4 factor, the habit of women of a certain disposition to patrol cities and town centres in massive cars that shield their little loves from the horrors of life.

(The Telegraph reports that in the US, the sports utility vehicles are accused of killing three times as many people as cars.)

And now they are under attack from the Liberal Democrats’ Environment spokesman, Norman Baker. The MP of Lewes, East Sussex, is heard in the Independent lambasting the so-called ”Chelsea tractors”.

”There are real questions whether or not someone needs a two-and-a-half-ton, 22-gallon vehicle to nip to Tesco or take the kids to school,” says he.

The man then gets a little technical, asking drivers of those highly-waxed farm machines to note their vehicles’ ”weight, the higher centre of gravity and handling characteristics”.

In the cars’ defence, the Guardian asks a few women in Barbour jackets and boots, they who negotiate the urban jungle, to give their opinion.

Winding down windows and speaking through gritted bullbars, big car lovers tells us how nothing else will deal with those mountainous suburban hills and how ”this is my fortress for me and my kids”.

And like all good fortresses it comes with hot oil, a little prince or princess inside and a megalomaniac in charge.

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Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Pole Dancing

‘REAL trail-blazing adventurers have no time for 4x4s or even people carriers, preferring to cut their swathe to glory with a pair of skis on their feet, a husky burger in their stomach and a knapsack on their back.

One explorer looks pretty much the same as another

The Times duly reintroduces the world to Pen Hadow, who has become the first person to travel solo and unsupported from northern Canada to the geographic North Pole, and make it back alive – eventually.

It took eight days to rescue the man the Times describes as looking like a cross between Howard Hughes and Barry Gibb, meaning he had been away for 75 days in all.

And having not spoken much to another human being in that time, Hadow is in full gush move.

”The truth is that this expedition has never really been about me,” he says, ”it’s been about what my endeavour can do for people around me.”

His ”endeavours”, as he modestly calls his trek, certainly had an effect on the Canadian rescuers who spent much of the past week looking for him.

But the Times cares not for any criticism, preferring to salute the man as genuine British hero.

We hear of his ”unshowy knowledge of the history of our polar past”, his ”intrepid spirit”, and above all things we twice hear of his ”dark, handsome, articulate Old Harrovian” credentials.

The conclusion is that he’s hardly ”conventional”. Well, he’s certainly not chipped from the same block of ice as they who drive 4x4s to the freezer section at Iceland, but to the average explorer, he’s just another bushy beard in the crowd.

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Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Skirting The Issue

‘FASHION is a serious business, especially for schoolgirls, who hanker for any opportunity to be like popstars and actresses.

Traci was having to rethink her outfit for school

But the Times reports that Anna Roxburgh, headmistress at Hamp Community School, a mixed-sex establishment in Bridgwater, Somerset, has taken exception to one item of clothing – she has banned thongs.

”The ban is in case they are seen by boys walking past the classroom or a male member of staff walks in the room,” says Mrs Roxburgh.

”Thongs may be a little revealing, particularly in the summer with girls wearing skirts.”

One solution would be to allow girls to wear trousers or shorts, thus maintaining their dignity in the face of leering boys and masters who just happen to look up their skirts.

But the real question is how the rule is to be administered. Will Mrs Roxburgh be lining up the gels each morning for a routine knicker check?

And what if one poor lass is caught in the forbidden thong? Will Mrs Roxburgh force her to remove the offending item?

Might be safer just to let things be, after all. Or expel all the boys.

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Posted: 28th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Liver Damage

”I HOPE that common sense prevails.’

Ambulance gets parking ticket as it off-loads its liver

It is the quote of the day, as it is the quote of every day. And as usual it seems to be a forlorn hope.

The words appear on the cover of today’s Guardian and are attributed to John Durkin, Yorkshire regional secretary of the GMB union.

To put them in greater context they run: ‘This clearly was an emergency and we are in the business of saving lives, not trying to destroy them. I hope common sense prevails.’

The trigger for the plea came when ambulance driver Mike Ferguson was clocked driving at 104mph as he passed a police monitored speed trap.

It mattered not that he had blue lights ablaze, not that it was 3am and his cargo was a liver urgently needed for transplant; it only mattered that he was breaking the law, and that means a day out in court.

That Mr Ferguson should be in fear of losing his driving licence and thus his livelihood is down to Alison Kerr, the Chief Crown Prosecutor for Lincolnshire, where the speeding ambulance was spotted.

She witters on about how this is a ‘difficult case’, how her service has considered all points ‘carefully’ and that the CPS believe the race to stitch a new organ into a living human body is ‘not a medical emergency’.

Back in the Guardian this is a cue for Labour MP David Hinchcliffe, who chairs the Commons select committee on health, to complain: ‘It’s like the police prosecuting the police for speeding in an emergency.’

Only if that were so, Mr Ferguson would be spared a court case by being offered the chance to take early retirement with full pension and no further questions asked.

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Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Peak Practice

‘SOMEWHERE in one of those awful books that tell you what you must do before you hit 30, or die, – in between hang gliding over the Niagara Falls and streaking at Lord’s – is a page that commands ”Climb Everest”.

Our man takes a breather on Everest foothills

And since it’s nearing the 50th anniversary of Sir Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tensing’s ascent of the world’s highest peak, everyone’s at it.

The Telegraph leads today’s bulletin from the slopes of the Himalayas with news that a chap called Sherpa Lhakpa Gelu has just raced to the top in the record time of 10hr 56min.

His ride up the Everest Escalator comes just four days after the previous fastest ascent was claimed in 12hr 45mins, and in the same week as a 15-year-old girl played truant to become the youngest person to reach the top.

The Independent also watches the clamour to say ”I was there”, seeing Sibusio Vilane become the first black African to reach the summit, 70-year-old Yuichiro Miura become the oldest person to get to the top and our own Terry Jones become the fist man to reach the roof of the world while dressed as a Tellytubby.

Only one of those is untrue – but tomorrow the chances are they all will be reduced to history’s footnotes, their achievements surpassed by other, bigger, bolder and more stupid climbers.

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Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Looking For Trouble

‘WHAT Ron Davies and John the lorry driver started, the Times continues, inviting us to take a long hard look at badgers.

Friends say Ron Davies was asking for Trouble

News is that just weeks after a badger ran amok, gnawing and slashing his way round Evesham, Worcestershire, another has turned on human kind.

”Dozens” of families in the Tredworth region of Gloucestershire are living in the thrall of a furious black and white beast known as Trouble.

”I’m scared to go out at night with that thing there, and so is my husband,” says local resident Marjorie Dennis.

And it seem she’s not alone, as the paper says that many residents in the rural town are too terrified to go at after dark, a time when badgers take over the streets.

Trouble is being hunted. But we must ask why it is that badgers are becoming more aggressive? What has trigged such a change in their behaviour?

Badger enthusiast Mr Davies is unavailable for comment, but it is widely believed that badgers mate for life. Take away their love and risk taking away their meaning.

Remember that – a badger is for life. And don’t go looking for Trouble.

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Posted: 27th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

It’s All About Oil

‘PENELOPE Cruz is a cheap date. ”You give me a plate of bread, some oil and salt and I’m happy,” says the Spanish actress.

More Cheese?

And while the price of crude remains low, her boyfriend Tom Cruise can afford to feed her barrels of the stuff.

”But of course you can’t eat like that all the time,” she tells the Telegraph (who find her ”delightfully down-to-earth”).

Indeed not, but it is not just what you eat but who you eat it with that makes a dinner and Penelope likes ”very long dinners, which last for five or six hours, and we sit at the table, talking, talking, talking”.

”For me that’s better than going out,” she says. ”I don’t like going to discos and parties. I don’t like noise.”

BOO!

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Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Controversial Figures

‘TO people who bought the Independent this morning, you should ask for your 55p back.

Tim – not so nice and dim

The paper has metamorphosed into The Actuary Weekly with a load of incomprehensible figures on its front page.

If a picture tells a thousand words, a load of jumbled-up figures (supposedly presenting ”Asylum – The Facts”) tell none.

Among these figures are the following: 40,000; 790; 1.98%; £200; 8th; 85,865; 32%; Iraq.

Okay, so the last one wasn’t a number, but by that stage we were getting a little queasy with all the digits arrayed in front of us.

And so to Iraq, where Colonel Tim Collins is probably wishing he didn’t give his troops the Shakespearian send-off for which he has been so praised.

The most famous British soldier since Captain Snort was in charge of Pippin Fort is now facing a second MoD investigation into the way he ran his regiment.

According to the Guardian, the inquiry will ”delve into how he commanded the regiment and probe allegations of a culture of bullying”.

Col Collins is already under investigation by the military police following allegations that he mistreated Iraqis in the recent war.

And the Times this morning interviews the headmaster whom Collins is supposed to have pistol-whipped.

The colonel, an Egyptian interpreter and about 10 British soldiers arrived at Ayoub Yousif Naser’s house one night early in the war.

”Suddenly, this officer took out his pistol and hit me on the back of the head,” he said.

”I was hit twice and I fell down. There was a lot of blood on my head. After he had hit me, I told him that I had guns.”

Mr Naser, who was a feared member of the Ba’ath Party, claims that Collins then dragged him outside, kicked him in the shins and later held a mock execution of him and his son.

He said that he was then treated for his wounds before Col Collins apologised for what he did.

”Of course it’s wrong for officers to do what he did,” he said. ”He should be punished.”

If true, says the Times, such conduct would breach the Army’s rules of engagement and the Geneva Conventions.

Shooting people, on the other hand, is perfectly all right.

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Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Continui, Il Medico (Carry On, Doctor)

‘THE National Health Service is already staffed mainly by doctors and nurses brought in from abroad, but today we learn that most of the patients are foreigners as well.

”Welcome aboard the one-way flight to Easy Street…”

In fact, it won’t be long before the NHS gets renamed – the International Health Service.

The Telegraph claims that 95% of the all new cases of hepatitis B being treated by the NHS have arrived from abroad, while ”a quarter to a half of acute psychiatric beds in London are occupied by people who have no right to be there”.

What does it say on the Statue Of Liberty? ”Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…”

On the door of the Department Of Health, the inscription reads: ”Give me your sick, your mad, your doctors and nurses, your hijackers…”

Given the mortality rate in British hospitals, the Telegraph should be glad it’s foreigners who are dying in them rather than Brits.

But the paper is too busy worrying that the country could become a ”soft touch” for hijackers after a gang of Afghanis who seized a plane three years ago were cleared by the Court Of Appeal.

The shadow transport secretary, a gentleman who also goes by the name of Tim Collins, emerged from anonymity to condemn the judgement.

”It is to be hoped the courts will end up sending a signal that Britain is not a soft touch for hijacking,” he said – before crawling back under whatever stone it was from which he had emerged.

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Posted: 23rd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Happy Talk

‘IT was only a matter of time before science got involved in the perennial competition to discover whose imaginary friend is best.

”Bloody rain!”

And the winner is…the Buddhists.

According to the Times, brain scans of devout Buddhists found ”exceptional activity in the lobes that promote serenity and joy”.

The University of Wisconsin team scanned the brains of people who had been practising Buddhists for several years – and consistently found the ”happiness centre” highly active.

No doubt, they would get the same result if they tested dancers at an average club on a Saturday night, but the Buddhists’ joy is not chemically enhanced.

”The positive effects were seen all the time, not only during meditation, which suggests that the Buddhist way of life may affect the way their brains work,” the paper says.

”Other research has also suggested that Buddhists have lower than usual activity in the part of the brain that processes fear and anxiety.

”These findings may eventually allow researchers to develop meditation techniques as treatments for depressive illnesses.”

They also explain why Richard Gere looks so irritatingly smug in whatever film role he is in.

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Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Barlaston Wall

‘WHEN the Berlin Wall was erected overnight in 1961, it not only split the city in two but divided families and friends who were not reunited for another three decades.

Barlaston 2017

However, what the Soviets can do Ralitrack can also do – and this morning’s Telegraph reports how villagers in Barlaston, Staffordshire now know how Berliners felt.

Railway maintenance work on the West Coast mainline has meant the closure of the only level crossing, cutting one half of the village off from the other.

The only way to get from one side of the tracks to the other is by a 10-mile drive or an hour long bus journey.

”On the east side of the village there is a pub, post office, village hall and a school,” explains the paper, ”while on the west there is a garage, pub, butcher and newsagent.”

Understandably, the 2,000 residents are less than happy with the arrangement.

”It’s a ridiculous situation,” says parish councillor Peter Proctor. ”It’s so frustrating seeing the shops just yards away and having to drive miles in order to get to them.”

Even worse for Sue Jones whose son Rory goes to school on the other side of the railway line.

”I work evenings and used to nip out to pick Rory up after school,” she says, ”but it’s an hour’s bus journey and I can’t disappear from work for two hours.”

The barriers on the level crossing are due to remain down for four months while the work’s being carried out – but, given the way of these things, residents should start preparing for a Berlin-like separation.

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Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Minking It

‘IF you thought that the hedgehog cull in the Outer Hebrides at £1,800 an animal was expensive, it’s nothing compared with the massacre of the mink in the Western Isles.

”How about immunity if I tell you where the hedgehogs are hiding?”

In 18 months since the programme to eradicate mink from the Scottish islands began, £1.65m has been spent and only 232 animals caught (out of a population of 4,000).

That works out, by our calculations, at just under £7,200 a mink – or four hedgehogs, if you prefer.

The Independent says 12 professional hunters have been employed on the project. As well as the 232 mink, they have also caught 129 ferrets and 1,352 rats.

Conservationists defend themselves by claiming that the cull has already brought benefits, such as increasing stocks of salmon and trout.

But even with this taken into account, taxpayers are footing a bill of over £2,000 a mink.

In many parts of the country, you can get a human being culled for half that…

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Posted: 22nd, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

What Mandy Did Next

‘ANYONE who believed the guff coming out of No.10 that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were as one on the euro only had a few days to enjoy their fantasy world.

Muck or brass?

Peter Mandelson made sure of that, shattering the uneasy truce between the two architects of New Labour with a stinging attack on the Chancellor.

In an interview with journalists at a West End restaurant, Mandelson claimed the Prime Minister had been outmanoeuvred by Brown on the issue of the single European currency.

He said a failure to call a referendum on the issue before the next election would damage the Labour party and do ”incalculable” harm to Britain’s trade.

The Government has said it will announce on June 9 whether the famous five tests for entry have been met – although it is a foregone conclusion that the answer is no.

That was reinforced by Brown last night in an interview with the Times, in which he set out a list of the reforms he wanted Europe to make before entry could be considered.

It had, says the paper, ”the clear implication that it would be some years before Britain’s interests would be served by adopting the euro.”

The Telegraph suggests that this will only be if, or when, Brown replaces Blair as Prime Minister.

And that, according to polling figures in this morning’s Guardian, is a big ‘if’ with 43% of voters less likely to vote for a Brown-led Labour party and only 28% more likely.

Even among Labour supporters, Brown would be only a marginal electoral asset, with 37% more likely to vote Labour and 36% less.

All of which is good news for the rest of us, who can bask in the warmth of St Tony’s reflected glory for many years to come. Hurrah!

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Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Right Charlie

‘NORMALLY it takes months, years and sometimes even several lifetimes before the Government can witness the results of a policy shift.

”What’s up, doc?”

However, Education Secretary Charles Clarke got to see the fruits of his labours on the very day that he announced that primary school should be less work and more fun.

Two pupils at Rotherfield Primary School in Islington, took the opportunity of a ministerial photo-call (called to announce the scrapping of SATs for primary schools) to stick their fingers up behind jug-eared Clarke’s head and give him a pair of bunny ears.

The Telegraph, which splashes the resulting picture on its front page, says eight-year-old Joshua James was first to make his mark, followed by 10-year-old Ryan Hassan.

The Times is also quick to applaud the prank, which it says was ”continuing a tradition dating back to Mr Clarke’s own school days”.

But, according to the Independent, the Department Of Education didn’t see the funny side, trying to persuade papers not to publish the picture, supposedly because it might get the pupil in trouble.

As it was, the boys got away with it, with their teacher blaming a photographer for egging them on.

”We are a bit annoyed by it,” the teacher tells the Telegraph. ”In the light of that, we haven’t given the boys a ticking-off.”

We should think not. Wedgies and dead arms all round.

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Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Parma Karma

‘IF you ever wondered what it is exactly that Europe does, wonder no more.

Does Parma ham by any other name taste as sweet?

For the past six years, it has been deciding that supermarket chain Asda can slice Parma ham at its deli counters and call it Parma ham, but it cannot slice the same Parma ham out of view of the customer, package it and sell it as Parma ham.

From now on, says the Independent, we can all sleep soundly in the knowledge that the Parma ham we buy in the supermarkets ”was not only raised and cured on the hills of Langhirano, but sliced and packaged in the region as well”.

Asda spokeswoman Rachel Fellows described the ruling, which overturns the decisions of two British courts, as ”barmy”.

But Stefano Fanti, managing director of the Prosciutto Association Of Parma, called it an important day for the 200 producers of Parma ham.

”Control over the whole process, including slicing and packaging, guarantees quality and authenticity,” he said.

Similar rulings exist on Cornish clotted cream, Stilton cheese and Newcastle Brown Ale from this country.

However, we look forward to the courts adjudicating on French letters and French kisses in the months and years ahead.

‘

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Cream Goes Sour

‘ONE fat cat had his whiskers singed yesterday when shareholders voted against GlaxoSmithKline CEO Jean Pierre Garnier’s massive remuneration package.

Jean-Pierre Garnier relaxes at home

Under the deal, Mr Garnier stood to receive up to £22m on leaving the pharmaceutical giant, despite the fact that shares have fallen by a third since he took over three years ago.

But, in what the Independent describes as the largest shareholder revolt in British corporate history, almost 51% voted to reject the ‘golden parachute’ deal.

The Guardian says the vote was a ”humiliating blow” to Britain’s third largest company; the Indy says it was ”hugely embarrassing” for Mr Garnier personally.

”It marks the most serious warning sign that shareholders, who for the first time have the right to vote on directors’ pay, have lost patience with companies giving excessive rewards to senior executives,” the Indy says.

But Mr Garnier only comes sixth in the Indy’s list of the fattest cats – measured by their pay against the shareholder return over a three-year period.

The biggest bowl of cream goes to BT boss Sir Peter Bonfield, who has presided over a 71.4% loss of value at the telecoms giant – and all for the meagre sum of £3.1m a year.

Another telecoms boss, Sir Christopher Gent, purrs in at No.2, with his £3.78m package enough to guarantee a 54.5% drop in the share price.

Despite claims that yesterday’s vote could be the high water mark for fat cat pay, the Guardian warns that it is only advisory.

Chairman Sir Christopher Hogg insisted that he and the rest of the board were listening to shareholder concerns.

Which would explain why Tom Glocer, boss of Reuters also figures in the Independent’s Fat Cat Top 10. The chairman of Reuters? Step forward, Sir Christopher Hogg…

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Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Costly Cull

‘ONE thing is for sure, you could kill a lot of hedgehogs on Jean-Pierre Garnier’s salary – although not as many as you might think.

WANTED: Dead Or Alive (Reward £1,800)

The Telegraph reveals today that the cost of the hedgehog cull in the Outer Hebrides will work out at £1,800 per animal – more than seven times the estimated bill for relocating them.

The cull was ordered by the Scottish National Heritage to protect rare bird populations on the islands.

So far only 50 hedgehogs have been sent to the big dual-carriageway in the sky, more than a third of which were handed in by islanders.

Just over 130 more have been rescued by animal lovers for transporting to the mainland.

George Anderson, of the SNH, tells the Telegraph: ”This exercise is labour intensive and there are not as many hedgehogs as we first thought in the area where we are looking.”

One suggestion currently being considered is to look in a different area – but that is thought to be a little radical at this stage.

‘

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

Italian Driving School

‘YOU wouldn’t take cricket lessons from a Frenchman; you wouldn’t take cooking lessons from an Englishman, and you certainly wouldn’t take driving lessons from an Italian.

An Italian car park

But that is what Italy’s departing ambassador to New Zealand is doing, ending his four-year stint in the country by accusing Kiwis of being ”very, very bad drivers”.

Dr Roberto Palmieri, who has been repeatedly reported for speeding by other motorists, said people in the country tended to be too politically correct.

”New Zealand drivers are very, very bad drivers and also very dangerous because they don’t think all the time,” he said.

”The driving here is very regulated, but you drive erratically.”

Examples of this erratic driving include stopping at red lights, slowing down in built-up areas, not overtaking round blind corners…

Dr Palmieri will no doubt be relieved when he gets home to find that the driving in Italy is as consistent as ever. As consistently awful.

Last weekend alone, 56 people died and 1,000 were injured in what the country’s transport minister called Italy’s ”daily massacre” on the roads.

‘

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

A Pigeon Among The Cats

‘IN one of the most spectacular U-turns since, well, the last time Clare Short opened her gob, the Tories are recasting themselves as the party of the poor.

Drugs baron

Party leader Iain Duncan Smith tells this morning’s Guardian that society is being ”hollowed out from the inside” by the growing disparity between rich and poor.

And he adds: ”I want to be the party for the poor. I can’t think that we could possibly preside over society heading in the direction it’s heading at the moment.”

Presumably, that will mean putting a stop to the obscene pay-outs that line the pockets of the fat cats in the City.

This morning, the Independent’s heckles are raised by the news that Jean-Pierre Garnier, CEO of GlaxoSmithKline, will receive up to £22m when he steps down.

The value of shares in the world’s second biggest pharmaceutical company has fallen by a third since M Garnier took over in 2000.

No wonder, says the Indy, that even the City is angry.

”It is possible – perhaps even likely – that M Garnier will become the first casualty of the latest mood of disgust over the way company bosses have seen their rewards rocket regardless of their performance,” it says.

Among the tactics used to boost M Garnier’s pay-out are overstating his age by three years and giving him a theoretical salary of £6m a year.

As it is, he has to get by on a mere £2.4m.

The Independent expects a barrage of protest at the company’s AGM today, with many big institutional shareholders preparing to vote against the remuneration package.

”The cream is beginning to taste sour for Britain’s fat cats,” it says.

Sour it may be, but it’s still cream – rather than the powdered milk many of us have to get by on.

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Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment

The Road To Hell

‘IT used to be harder for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom Of Heaven.

Things have become dull down since the Crusades

This would, of course, disqualify M Garnier and many of his ilk from eternal bliss – unless their needle-threading skills are very well honed.

But many Christians wouldn’t make the trip either, according to the Archbishop Of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams.

Dr Williams complains that many members of the Western Church are hereditary Christians who no longer have the same sense of joy and wonder as they do in countries where the Church is newer.

”We look at one another with boredom and anxiety rather than with the expectant joy of Christ,” he says in the Times.

”And we look, of course, at the world around us with boredom, greed, indifference, exploitation or whatever and we don’t look at it first, and foremost, as the Earth God wanted.”

Then again, if this is the Earth God wanted – with suicide bombings, fat cats and Lenny Henry – eternal bliss may not be all it’s cracked up to be either.

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Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Broadsheets | Comment