FOR those of you heard the “lies” about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing she’d never married him; for those of you who’ve read that she’s “depressed” and “suffering fresh doubts” about her marriage, forget it.

Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are “lies”.

Get over them. And get over yourself.

This is Kerry Katona’s OK! Diary, OK, and she knows what’s what.

Okay!?

SAYS Kerry Katona’s ex-husband Brian McFadden, known to millions of Westlife fans as pop sensation Bryan McPadding:

“Kerry is a disgusting human being. She manipulates people and plays the sympathy card for every stupid mistake she makes.

“Me and my family have been put through hell by her stupid games.

“She is an embarrassment.”

(more…)

SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: “I DON’T HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.”

No, that what celebrity mums’ nurses are for, say you. But you’d be wrong.

Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.

No, that’s not it either.

(more…)

KERRY Katona, the sure-to-be face of Mash Cones, has gone in Labour five-weeks early.

As her waters broke like an exploding optic, brave Kerry was rushed to hospital, reports the Sun. There are “fears” that Kerry may be “on the brink of collapse”.

And because of this happening, Kerry’s puss-on-the-wall MTV series, Crazy in Love, is forced to finish five weeks short of its 16-week run.

Fans of the show, however, can make up for their disappointment by standing in a room and shouting into a carrier bag…

IT’S been a restless night for Kerry Katona’s fan.

Yesterday’s front-page news in the Mirror that Kerry might be suffering from pre-eclampsia – “which kills 10 mums and 1,000 babies every year” – was a shock.

But today the paper bring news that Kerry will not be the celebrity face of pre-eclampsia but more likely a spokesperson for Women Against Water Retention (WAWR). Tests show that Kerry has “severe water retention”.

Speaking from her hospital bed in Warrington, Cheshire, Kerry, 27, tells those spin doctors gathered about her bed: “When the midwife said what it could be, it was a huge worry. It’s such a relief to know the baby is fine and my little boy is doing really well.”

Kerry will now be on diet of neat gin to reduce her waters…

KERRY Katona has been rushed to hospital.

Iceland, purveyors of frozen squirrels, can rest easy. Kerry is not the victim of a rogue Boozie Brownie, but a possible victim of pre-eclampsia.

“SAD KELLY RUSHED TO HOSPITAL,” says the Mirror on its front page, a cruel and unnecessary slight of a woman in troubled times.

Says Max Clifford Doctor of Spin: “We’re praying for her but only time will tell… We just hope it’s not pre-eclampsia.”

No second opinion of offered…

“KERRY LIE TEST FOR MARK,” announces the News of the World’s front page.

Kerry Katona’s audition for the role of Lead Victim in Jeremy Kyle: The Movie sees the method acting reality TV star plan to make husband Mark Croft take a polygraph test after allegations he had affairs with two women.

Katona and Croft are starring in MTV series Crazy in Love, the world’s foremost mental illness reality TV show, adverts for which feature Kerry and Marc in a straight jacket.

A source close to the couple confirmed: “If Mark’s not telling the truth, he’s out.”
Out if his straight jacket…

That test in full:

KYLE: Name?
CROFT: Trisha Goddard…

KERRY Katona has once again leaned into the Priory Clinic’s revolving doors and moved within.

A spokesman for the face of frozen vegetables tells the Sun that her client is a “little down”.

Says a “source”: “She’s been locked away in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall – severely emotional and depressed.”

Kerry is, of course, featuring in Crazy In Love, a televised fly-on-the-wall docudrama about her life.

If you haven’t seen it, reports are that the show features Kerry sat in her bedroom for days just staring at the wall…

KERRY Katona in her OK! column:

“They’re making news out of nothing and it’s doing my head in.”

More of her customary insight next week…

ARE you Kerry Katona’s dad? What about you? You? You? You? What about you James Spears?

What does it pay to be Kerry Katona’s father? We do not know. All the Sun says is that the celebrity lettuce shaker wants the man she believes is her dad to take a DNA test on her TV show Kerry Katona: Crazy In Love.

Kerry’s supposed father is John Dowd, although on first view the Anorak mistook him for Alan Titchmarsh. Therein would lie a greater story.

But John it is. He received this letter from a TV production company: “Kerry would like to do a DNA test with you. However, because we are filming the whole time, we would like to capture this on camera.”

Nothing like a spot of science to enliven a celebrity-fed reality TV show.

Says John: “It’s like blackmail, it’s unbelievable. They’re basically saying, ‘If you don’t do it on TV, then she won’t do it’.”

The Alan Titchmarsh show is on 2.30 pm at ITV1.

KERRY Katona writes in her OK! Diary:

“One of the many headlines last week was Kerry: ‘I want my old boobs back’ – well I guess that’s partly true. My boobs used to be alright back in the day, but they’ve gone a bit south now!

To Dubai, on a weekend break with Danielle Lloyd, we’d wager…

SAYS Mr Kerry Katona, Mark Croft: “It’s mad. Everyone knows me and Kerry are married, yet she has a ‘husband’ in the ads.”

Croft is speaking of those Iceland adverts, which feature Katona extolling the virtues of ‘Boozzie Brownies’ and own-brand ketchup in the company of a gigantic squirrel.

Perhaps if Croft could be persuaded to swap his straightjacket for the look of, say, a rat or a ferret, he could make the part his own?

MORE news on Kerry Katona, face and body of supermarket ownbrand ketchup and frozen Boozie Brownies.

Mum’s gone to Iceland. But where’s dad?

Samantha Riaz says she knows. In “My secret romps with Kerry’s fella” the Sun hears Samantha say how she slept with Mark Croft, Mr Boozie Brownie, last summer.

As with such tales, there is the inevitable misspelt text message: “Am horny & thinkin of ur sexc bod ridin my ****.” (The **** is unlikely to be “wife”.)

There is the comment on Mark’s sexual prowess. Says Sam: “The sex was rubbish. I didn’t know he was married.” That appears as a non-sequitur, as married men will attest.

(more…)

HIGHLIGHTS from Kerry Katona’s Crazy In Love mental ward-themed MTV show, starring the fomer Mrs Brian McPadded Room and her latest inmate:

Mark Croft (husband): You’ve got big tits

Katatonia: You’ve got a small willy

(more…)

KERRY Katona’s guide to celebrity in OK!: “Well, I didn’t think much of that Demi Moore pose that Javine Hilton did for a magazine.

“I was asked by MTV to do the same pose, but I said no. It’s been so overdone… The recent photo-shoot I did for a newspaper in my undies showed enough of me.”

That’s how trends begin…

“HEAT VISITS Kerry Katona (and Mark, who hides upstairs).”

Kerry Katona, a shoo-in for numerous walk-on parts in Jeremy Kyle: The Movie, is stood before her house. heat’s writer “isn’t sure if she’s a welcome guest.”

Readers see the double garages, the sports car and the paved driveway. And if they peer around Kerry, they can see the front door. It’s closed.

“Let’s not pretend here: Kerry does not like heat magazine,” says heat magazine. Kerry has bought an Alsatian dog. She has a husband heat has labelled “intimidating”.

Kerry and Mark have been in Madeira filming a section for the MTV show Crazy In Love. heat says Kerry did not emerge from her hotel room for four days. Love and especially Crazy Love can do that to you.

Perhaps this is why heat cannot focus, revealing straight off that Kerry’s home features a gravel driveway. But the picture, we splutter. It’s a herringbone pattern in block paving. gut no-one listens…

Inside With Kerry

A ring on the door, which heat correctly identifies. A wait. A “stern-yet-friendly” woman called Pat opens the door. She’s Kerry’s stepsister, employed to do the cleaning.

“The house is spotless, a bit like an MFI showroom,” albeit without the glamour. “I heart mum,” says a message scrawled in crayon on the fridge. heat says it’s the work of one of Kerry’s children, but can it be certain?

More messages are writ on a whiteboard: “Baby scan”, “School disco”, “Dog trainer”, all staging posts on the celebrity journey. Add “Rehab” and you have the making of a How To Celebrity guide.

Getting Over Kerry

Katona appears. “She all we go and get his over with?” she says. She then calls the papers “arseholes”. Kerry has eight tattoos, including “Heidi”, the name of one of her daughters, on her neck.

Kerry tells us that she’s not “showbiz”. Which make us wonder why anyone ever thought she was and how come she came to be a celebrity?

heat then recalls a moment on an MTV show in which Kerry was “in the garden with your dog and you’re gurning and sniffing”. Kerry, who made a name of herself sticking out her tongue, responds: “I was doing this, wasn’t I? [Makes a sideways motion with her chin.] I do it constantly. I’ve even got a chipped tooth from doing it.”

Very soon everybody will be doing it. And what then for Kerry?

Kerry leans her head on her right hand. Good. But is it enough?

SAYS Kerry Katona in her OK! column, on the matter of Big Brother winner emeritus Chantelle Houghton’s failed marriage:

“When my last marriage ended, I got my boobs done, lost weight and got a tan and hair extensions, it’s just part of getting over someone.”

WITH Kerry Katona learning German to best communicate with her heil hund, the Mirror says the police are following her lead.

A shortage of Alsatian dogs in the UK means British police are importing the beats from Germany.

To the commands “Sitz”, “Hol” and “Penalty!” the German dogs obey with unerring dedication to order.

Says dog trainer PC David Heaps: “For breeders in the UK it is all about looks. But the dogs do not have the same abilities for bite, let go and obedience as those bred in Germany.”

Happy days, indeed. And we, like you, look forward to our new black-uniformed officers barking our commands in German as they uphold law and order.

Guten Arbende Leute. Papers!

FINDING ways to add yet more appeal to Kerry Katona is no easy thing. But the Star says Kamp Kerry can hit upon a wheeze: get to her speak German.

Kerry has taken ownership of an Alsatian dog called Kai.

The Star has a picture of the hound snarling at a man dressed in a padded suit in manmade fibres. Given his fashion and position, he may well be the German trainer who “barks out” commands in German, the only language this dog, or indeed any other kind of large angry dog understands.

So say “Knob Off, Kerry” and “Guten Tag, Kerry”.

And with Kerry’s new linguistic skills will surely come great fame, either as the “New David Hasselhoff” or the star of Der Ton von Musik Zwei, in which the singer and her dog make sure their is only one celebrity act and her kids in town…