Madonna, the self-proclaimed ambassador for Judaism, in the newspapers, featuring Guy Ritchie, Lourdes Maria Ciccone, Rocco John Ritchie and David Banda
“Madonna is a demanding diva even to her peers. The Swedish pop star Robyn was psyched when the Material Mom invited her to open for a handful of her European concerts but quickly found out there are rules. Robyn told her hometown Swedish paper that she and her crew were told “not to approach Madonna, not to speak to Madonna and, above all, no pictures…I hadn’t expected any glamour, but it’s strange that they assume that the first thing you’re gonna do is run after Madonna and ask for an autograph. My worst nightmare would be to turn into Madonna…Madonna is constantly chasing the latest trends.”
HERE’S MADONNA making threats of violence against Sarah Palin. Madonna demands Palin gets off her “street”. Madonna lives in London.SArah Plain lives in an annex of the USA.
Not that Palin got to see her name celebrated live in song - brave Madonna banned Palin from her concerts then threatened her. Cue song:
Sarah Palin is getting harder not to like all the time…
At one point during the US kickoff of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour at the Meadowlands Saturday night, the Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching noise.
MADONNA is against global warming. She’s on, er, tour:
Environmental organizations got into the commenting zone last week when Madonna’s crew publicly released the amount of crap and resources going into her “Sticky and Sweet” tour. In particular, the peeps over at CarbonFootprint.com released figures showing that her 45-day concert extravaganza is equivalent to the carbon output of around 160 Britons — in one year.
TAKE a gander at Madonna, with her “Mount Rushmore cheekbones, the angular jawline, the smoothed forehead, the plumped skin, the heartlike shape of the face“.
Madonna is on the cover of New York magazine. The accompanying article says Madonna has the “ultimate face”.
The ultimate face for what is not said.
But a clue comes via the Telegraph, which quotes Writer Jonathan Van Meter:
“Looking at Madonna, I kept thinking of the British expression for reconditioning a saddle: having it ‘restuffed’.”
“ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER,” says Hello!. “Madonna and Gwyneth share a stroller as they power pram in the park.”
There’s * Madonna, her legs dangling from the pram, and there’s Gwyneth tucked in beside her, champing on a rusk and demanding they be pushed “Faster! Faster! Faster!”.
NO small shock that Madonna has become embroiled in a “SEX VIDEO SHOCK” in which she, allegedly, fails to simulate sex.
Having seen the singer simulate spanking, simulate losing her virginity and simulate sex on your coffee table in a book called Sex - it featuring photos of Madge simulating lesbianism, homosexuality and sadomasochism - news that Madonna possibly has sex is worthy of the Star’s front page.
The paper says Madonna and Alex Rodriguez, a US baseball player, have been caught “locked in a steamy romp”.
IN Hello!, Sian Lloyd, former weather girl and fiancee to Cheeky Chappie Lembit Opik, is making a “tribute to Madonna”.
Why Ms Lloyd should do this is not immediately apparent, what with her looking and sounding not a bit like the singer.
Reading on, we learn that Lloyd turns 50 this year, as does Madonna, and therein lies the theme for the conceit.
Readers may be interested to know that others turning 50 this year are Irish on-the-spot dancer Michael Flatley, screeching Seventies singer Kate Bush, Pope shootist , Michelle Bauer star of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), Simon Le Bon, Thomas ‘The Hit Man’ Hearns, Michael Jackson and Charlene Tilton.
MADONNA and guy Richie are said by the Sun to have taken a “three-day break in a romantic city”.
Paris? Venice? Rome? No… Milan, home to suited Italian businessmen, heavy industry, the sky-scaring Pirelli Tower and the most expensive cheese and tomato sandwich Anorak has ever eaten.
The Sun says that while in Italy’s economic hub, Madonna and her Guy had different rooms, different schedules and “everything”.
RADAR magazine has details of a spoof conversation between an agency trying to drum up interest in a global warming awareness book for kidzzzz by Lourdes Ciccone, jobbing daughter to Madonna.
I’m an entertainment agent at ICM. I work with Angela Becker, who’s one of Madonna’s managers. We’re trying to shop around ideas for a book and gauge initial interest.
Oh, wow! Yeah.
Her daughter, Lourdes, has written an essay that Madonna’s interested in turning into an illustrated book. It’s an essay for school on global warming—she’s in fifth grade now. It’s basically tips on global warming for kids. Madonna read it, and her teacher loved it, and we’re thinking it could make a good illustrated book for kids.
WHEN Madonna stood on the Live 8 pulpit and told us, “If you want to save the planet I want you to start jumping up and down. Come on motherf*****”, we jumped.
We have now jumped 54,982 times. If we stop jumping the planet will die.
Anorak set about petitioning World Wildlife Fund to approve a cull of all carbon exhaling creatures that cannot jump, such as elephants, babies and Peter Crouch.
Now Madonna has issued another withering cry. In a concert broadcast over the BBC, the popstar tells us: “You guys are going to have to start f***ing it up out there ‘cos I need to feel some love.”
Jumping and fucking it up at once is no easy thing, not least of all for anyone who has trouble patting their had and rubbing their tummies at the same time.
IS Madonna’s hopping into bed with ticket touts an exercise in greed or research for Guy Ritchie’s next Mockney geyser flick?
The Wall Street Journal reports that Madonna’s upcoming concert tour is to feature an official ticket tout.
You know how it works: the touts buy up the tickets leaving the fans to scratch around for what they can get.
Dial the official ticket line and get tapped for a “booking fee” when you pay by one of those new fangled credit car, or buy online and on the point of sale find the site freezes like Anthea Turner at an orgy.
The deal means Madonna is tied up to StubHub, owned by eBay, via which ticket holders can “resell” (tout) tickets.
MADONNA is a singer. This much we know. And we invite you to be mindful of this knowledge as you consider this piece in Vanity Fair:
The world is a series of rooms, which are arranged like concentric circles, or rooms within rooms, joined by courtyards and antechambers, and in the room at the center of all those rooms Madonna sits alone, in a white dress, dreaming of Africa.
MORE insights into Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s behind closed doors action as the Mockney puts own his mobile phone to talk about house pricezzzz…
He says that immigrants have changed the market. Says Ritchie: “And as anyone who has tried to buy a house in central London knows, it’s almost impossible to do so unless you have ten million quid.”
That’s £10million pounds to you Londoners. And, as luck has it, Guy and is lovely American wife Madonna, do have such an amount, indeed they have enough to own six home houses in the capital.
Says Guy (American for Geyser) in Empire magazine: “The natives are being left behind because the big money came in and if it wanted something it bought it and made a fortune.”
PSST! Wanna hear about the bedroom goings on between a 49-year-old American woman and her middle-aged husband?
Says Madonna in the Star: “My husband went on the cookie diet and it was such a turn–off.”
Eating cookies, or biscuits as the British call them (“Gis a go on that best Brisket” - Guy Ritchie) can be a passion killer, to wit the crumbs.
But on hearing Madonna’s insight, Anorak think of one Eddo Brandes, the chubby Zimbabwean cricketer who responded to the on-field taunting of Australia’s Glenn McGrath, who asked “Why are you so fat?” by replying: “Because every time I shag your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
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