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Breaking Media, Politicians & Celebrities Since 1995Tabloid news for broadsheet readers |
SARAH Palin Watch: Anorak’s look at Sarah Palin in the British media…
BRIAN READE (Mirror): One of Reade’s “Big Questions”
“SARAH PALIN admitting she still gets up at 3am to hunt moose. If she fails to make vice-president, will she do a showbiz column with Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne called the 3am Moose.”
Back Obama can use that joke against women’s looks, if he likes…
PARIS HiIton tells the media that she has had it up to there with media intrusion. That P.A. R..:
“It is annoying when they are always showing up at your house. I think it is fine at like a movie premiere or an event when they are supposed to be there. But when it is every single day it just gets really tiring.
“There is nothing you can do about it. They want you to lash out at them so I never do. I have never done that and I never will.”
“..I..S…H….
Picture: 14
PARIS Hilton news, by Gordon Smart:
“The heiress rarely goes out without donning a pair of killer stillettos - even for a trip to the supermarket it seems” – The Sun
More tabloid news tomorrow…
PARIS Hilton’s bikini saves energy:
Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan - McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds.
argumentum ad fortiori, the argument from strength. From the Latin, meaning “argument from strength.”
Writes Jay:
New Paris Hilton video on Funny or Die! Responding to a McCain ad that likens Obama to celebrities like the airhead heiress, Paris appears in a leopard-spotted swimsuit. “I want America to know that I’m, like, totally ready to lead,” she says, announcing her candidacy to become president a mere eight years before the U.S. Constitution allows.
She does a nice mashup of her rivals’ energy policies: “We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars,” she says.
The McCain campaign volleys back with a very nice argumentum ad fortiori. If something more-so is true, then it’s likely that something less-so will be true as well. Or vice versa. If Paris’s energy policy trumps Barack’s, then we all had better move to Jedda.
Snappy Answer: Plus, she’d be the only president to make energy policy seem dirty.
RUSSIAN teenager Anna Ivanov has had plastic surgery to look just like Paris Hilton.
As the Mirror reports, she told surgeon Zurab Meladze: “They already call me Paris Hilton. So now I want to be her. Everything. Lips, breasts and all the rest.”
JOHN McCain shows a campaign video of Barack Obama and two blonde girls: Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.
Is this dog whistle politics about the black man coming for the white woman? Maybe. More likely it’s just McCain trying to be associated with people more famous than he is.
McCain is 71. Obama turns 47 today. When McCain was 47 the top celebrities – or VIPs as they were then knows – were Dave Kid Jensen, Vanessa Williams and My Little Pony.
Anyhow, Kathy Hilton, Paris’s mum, is upset. So she does what any upset Hollywood mum does and writes an article about just how upset she is and puts it online. Says she:
IF Barack Obama is a celebrity, is he Britney Spears? Is he Paris Hilton?
Does he wear underwear? Does he wear underwear inside - or outside - his trousers?
And if John McCain is a celebrity, which one is he?
MORE Cristiano Ronaldo transfer news as the Manchester United footballer fends off a late approach from Los Angles scout Paris Hilton.
THE Daily Star reports:
Paris Hitlon has become addicted to jelly fish.
Fact!
PARIS Hilton: “Everyone Should Have a Chance To Be Me”
It’s the tag line of her new hair extensions vehicle.
Spotter: bellasugar
MADDIE WATCH - Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann
It’s the Mirror’s “MADELEINE EXCLUSIVE”. The news is – as Anorak reported last night – that the Tapas Seven (surely the Sangria 7? –Ed) will not be returning to Portugal to take part in a reconstruction of the night Madeleine went missing.
A source says: “They were asked informally to return, then asked again in an official letter last week. After some consideration they decided not to go back. They were concerned it would not be televised, and were bemused as to why it was happening so long after Madeleine disappeared.”
And who would play Madeleine? Her? Her? What about “Look Into My Eyes”, a TV talent show search for a Madeleine fronted by Trevor McDonald and GMTV?
Remember Kelsey: “Mummy, I could play Madeleine. I look just like her’”?
THE SUN: “No re-run for Maddie cops”
What does Lorraine Kelly think? It was she who said:
How could someone put their infant child forward as a Madeleine lookalike with the idea of making money? The child obviously has to be around the same age as Madeleine.
KATHY Hilton, mother to straight-to-tissues internet film star Paris Hilton is in conversation with the Mail.
“People say: ‘Oh she’s spoilt, she’s this, she’s that.’ But, until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes for many miles, don’t make a judgment call.”
Happily Paris Hilton has a range of shoes on the market, and we who have walked in them found the pink stilettos to be almost impossible to do anything in other than wince and wave, and gave up on the leopard print heels after just a few yards.
Next year, Old Mr Anorak plans to run the London Marathon is Paris’s silver open-toe mules and for added empathy wear a prison-issue pair of grey knickers and bra.
Kathy looks up. “And Paris’s jail suit”, says she, now “close to tears, “I found it when she was released. When I felt how rough it was - that thing was like sandpaper - I threw it away.”
Old Mr Anorak has tears in his eyes. And we advise him to take advantage of Kathy Hilton’s new range of waterproof beauty products and sports gels…
Picture: Mandela & 14
PARIS Hilton might pass for American Royalty, but can she be the new Princess Diana?
What irony that the new Diana should be named after the scene of Di’s departure from public life. There is some hope, then, that Paris can be Diana.
Paris is tall. Paris is blonde. Paris has a lob-sided look that garners sympathy. Paris has been to hell and back.
Says Queen Helen Mirren: “I don’t applaud Paris Hilton… but I think she’s pretty cool. She’s developed, like Princess Diana, that deliberate foolishness, which is disarming.”
The Star investigates if the brand can be developed, looking on as Paris scours London for a venue for her wedding to pop star Benji Madden.
PARIS Hilton and Victoria Beckham are in London.
The Mail sees Hilton setting up her stall on Oxford Street, on which she will sell her innate smell, Can-Can, a heady blend of used tissue, warm mattress and tinned crab.
Over in Harrods, Victoria Beckham is flogging denim. “I often look incredibly rough, actually,” says Posh on GMTV, a confession she may consider a revelation, and others a tagline for her fashion range.
The Star sees the two woman doing battle. Oxford Street is “mobbed”. The traffic is at a “standstill”. Paris is selling 150 bottle of perfume.
PARIS Hilton says of her life with boyfriend Benji Madden: “We don’t really like to go out. We have game night where friends come over and play Monopoly.”
She concludes: “He has changed my life in every way.”
Some may see little change in a woman famously in line to inherit a property empire playing a game in which she tries to build up a property empire and place hotels on every block.
But Monopoly is surely being served up as a symbol of something else. Playing it might well be the most boring thing Paris can thing of.
IT’S Paris Hilton, straight-to-tissues home video star, heiress and American Royalty.
“PARIS MATCH,” says the Mirror as Benji Madden, a performer with pop band Good Charlotte, introduces her as his brother Joel’s sister-in-law.
Can Paris be married? And what does the gigantic diamond ring on her finger with the initials PH mean? The Mirror’s 3am girls, now reduced in number from three to two do not say, and lack the resources to investigate.
Anorak consults its big book of abbreviations to see PH: “Public House”; “Proportional Hazard”; and a test for acid.
Or what about “Photographer’s Hoof”, as the Sun reports on how Hilton and her “boyfriend” are accused of running over the foot of one Glen Gurniak?
Says he: “There were too many people that side of the car so he swung the wheels in my direction on the other side of the car and got my foot trapped under the wheel. I yelled at him, ’Dude, you’ve pinched my foot under the wheel, don’t drive, don’t drive.’”
SAYS Paris Hilton: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”
We like our celebrities to be a bit thick.
Pictures: 14’s parody (L); Paris; shoes (R)
PAUL Jewell, manager of Derby County football club, is “football’s Paris Hilton”.
Do not doubt that football needs a Paris Hilton. If football is to be Hollywood in shorts, then it needs to embrace all elements of showbusiness.
One-hit wonder Paul Gascoigne is Britney Spears, and some debate rages over whether Gary Neville or Steve McClaren is Simon Cowell. But Jewell is a shoo-in for Hilton on account of his singing ability, skin tones and allegations of a homemade movie.
Says the Star on Sunday: “The Derby County manager has called in lawyers to stop the DIY porn movie becoming a Paris Hilton style hit. It shows portly Paul in a series of kinky romps with a mystery blonde. The dad-of-two fears the footage could turn him into an unlikely internet sex star like heiress Paris, 27.”
Readers learn that the movie shows “former Bradford manager Jewell strapping his lover to the bed, slapping her bottom and pleasuring her with a sex toy. She wears black suspenders, stockings and boots”.
Forward With Jewell
While we envisage the boots and studs, and Jewell going in hard with his tackle, some may wonder if this is not Jewel’s preparation for life after football?
A celebrity sex tape never did anyone’s career any harm. Mr Jewell should release the tape and become an internet hit, securing a future in the media.
This will, of course, trigger copycat videos. Very soon other football bosses feeling the pressure – Derby County are bottom of the premier league – will release their sex tapes.
Roy Hodgson, beleaguered manager of Fulham will need to up and ante and produce a video of him romancing a goal post, followed by Wigan Athletic’s Steve Bruce’s antics with a range of gardening tools.
The trend will reach a crescendo when the ultra-competitive Alex Ferguson, contemplating the long dark tunnel of retirement from ‘the game’, produces a film featuring himself, the West Bangkok Manchester Untied Supporters’ Cub and a collection of battery-operated hairdryers…
Sven Goran Erkisson is the manager of Manchester City FC.
“GAZZA SUICIDE WATCH,” says the Star’s front page, words illustrated by a picture of Paul Gascoigne.
The tabloids routinely offer their readers a chance to slide back the peep hole and check on the mental wellbeing of the celebrity in “my hell”. Paris Hilton, Brintey Spears, Amy Winehouse, Jordan - you alright in your mental prison?
The talk is always of suicide:
UsWeekly reports that Paris Hilton is to appear in a new TV show:
A source says: “The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend. Paris is tired of the haters and she’s looking for someone new. She’s looking for someone new and cool who she can trust. The new show is going to be full of good chick drama and you will see a side of Paris not seen on Simple Life.”
If you can’t find a new pal and someone you can trust on a reality TV show, where can you find one?
Answers in the form of a Lonely Hearts ad to Paris Hilton…
Picture: 14 ’s snapshots of Paris Hilton’s new range of shoes…
ONCE they all had perfumes. Each morning teams of olofactorologists would scrape the sheets of Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and P Diddy and distil the collected detritus into an official scent.
But that was then. This season, the celebrity way calls for a range of shoes. First Paris Hilton introduced us to her range of footwear.
Now Natalie Portman has her shoes to peddle.
As Page Six Notes:
She gave 15 minutes of interviews before going back into hiding. Guests waited impatiently while sipping on Casa Lapostolle wines, which Portman chose because they are organic and biodynamic to go along with her vegan shoe line.
Vegan shoes. Shoes with eating issues. And you know what vegans smell like…