DAVID BECKHAM’S five-year-old is kicking a football.

News enough, but there is more:

His shot had onlookers open-mouthed as it mirrored his dad’s 2001 goal against Greece which saved England’s World Cup qualifying campaign.

That’s him taking the kick in a pair of open-toe Louboutin shag-me shoes and celebrating his refulgent strike by contorting his face into a lap-dog grimace. But the Sun says Romeo is “just like his dad”, and that is what he should be.

(more…)

MORE good news for Daily Star readers as they spot Rebecca Loos topless at the seaside.

The good news is not that Ms Loos, David Beckham’s pig-tossing former PA, is, thanks to her breast attachments, unlikely to drown at sea.

The good news is not that Rebecca Loos is “back to her womanizing ways…romping with a mystery blonde pal”.

The good news is not that, as the Star says on its front page, these are “The pics Posh WON’T want to see” - a suggestion that it was Her Poshness and not Day-vid who really fancied Loos and it is she who will be upset by these pictures of Loss with another.

(more…)

DAVID Beckham has his work cut out…

Spotter: George K.

ASKS Gordon Smart in the Sun:

“Are Posh and Becks the most annoyingly attractive couple in the showbiz world?”

Answer: Yes. And No.

THE NEWS of the World has news form Los aNgeles:

HOLLYWOOD exposed - Becks parties with Tom Cruise. PLUS: Gemma shops for bras

- Good luck Gemma, a woman whose new breasts take on the might of M&S…

FNAR:

Tom Cruise has reportedly recruited Hollywood pals David Beckham and Will Smith to join him in his newest hobby: fencing.

The Mission: Impossible star is said to have built a room in his U.S. home for practicing his swordsmanship - and often invites close friends Smith and Beckham to join him in the sport.

I know…

PEREZ Hilton watches celebs so you don’t have to:

Spotted: David & Victoria Beckham and their kids at Disney’s California Adventure RIGHT NOW!

More top celebrity news to follow…

BONO and David Beckham are climbing up Mount Kilimanjaro.

Moses only took himself up the mountain and there is reason to believe that finally Bono, Mr G9, might have overplayed his hand.

Says a source: “He [Beckham] was a bit uncertain at first but he found out, like many celebrities before him, that Bono can be very persuasive.”

Once the insurance details are ironed out, Beckham can be wrapped in cotton wool and winched to the summit.

But the Anorak is more concerned at what they will bring down from on high.

In his wraparound sunglasses Bono is ideally suited for a meeting with the light of God, and should take along a pen and paper and jot down his 10-point plan for a better world.

(more…)

PARIS Hilton and Victoria Beckham are in London.

The Mail sees Hilton setting up her stall on Oxford Street, on which she will sell her innate smell, Can-Can, a heady blend of used tissue, warm mattress and tinned crab.

Over in Harrods, Victoria Beckham is flogging denim. “I often look incredibly rough, actually,” says Posh on GMTV, a confession she may consider a revelation, and others a tagline for her fashion range.

The Star sees the two woman doing battle. Oxford Street is “mobbed”. The traffic is at a “standstill”. Paris is selling 150 bottle of perfume.

(more…)

VICTORIA Beckham, international Duty Free enthusiast, is in conversation with the Mirror’s 3am Girls. Or as the Mirror puts it: “POSH TELLS ALL TO 3am.”

First up Vicky tells the girls how she and Julia Roberts are “both mums with young children so we had a lot to talk about”.

She goes on: “Most of my friends in LA, like Katie Holmes and Kate Beckinsale, all have children so we get together and do very normal things”, like waiting for the cleaner to hoover up the spilt Rice Crispies.

“I’ve become really good friends with mums from my sons’ school as well.” No names are provided, but you know who you are. And if you don’t know, best get an agent.

Listening in, one may suppose that Her Poshness only meets people through her children. In the Sun, Posh tells us that she serves hot lunches at her sons’ school.

(more…)

THE DAILY Express considers it to be of the utmost importance that Nicola McLean is given space on its front page to say: “I love big knockers.”

Nicola loves knockers so much that she has three sets of them in a variety of, tons, sizes and shapes. But it’s the big ones she loves best.

“I’d never have Victoria Beckham boobs,” says Nicola, sporting Wednesday’s 32G twin set. “They’re plastic looking. In fact, they’re disgusting.”

Cosmetic surgery shops may well look at their stock of Peckhams ™ and sigh.

(more…)

IT’S Victoria Beckham’s birthday and Heidi Klum, the model, is wondering what to get her.

What does Posh need?

Heidi knows. She has bought her a dozen cupcakes from the Sprinkles bakery.
And there’s a note:

“Happy Birthday - expect a dozen every Friday! Love, Heidi.”

That’s right, Posh needs feeding. And this is the gift that keeps on coming. Every Friday for an entire year Her Poshness will receive 12 cakes.

The Anorak is minded of the quip between George Bush and the BBC’s political pundit Nick Robinson, he of the noble brow.

(more…)

“WHO’S TRYING TO BAN ALL SKINNY CELEBRITIES?”

heat magazine asks the questions that matter, getting beneath the skin to the hard, protruding bone of celebrity life.

But what is the answer?

Well, it’s not heat, which features walking pencil Victoria Beckham and Girls Aloud’s resident singing microphone stand Nadine Coyle.

(more…)

SAYS Cruz Beckham…

Says Brooklyn Beckham…

WASN’T Victoria Beckham’s 34th birthday party a hoot?

The Spice Girls, Sir Elton John, “Scientology fan” Tom Cruise and Diddyman-done-good P Diddy were all in force to sing Happy Birthday in a show-tune-rap-style to Her Poshness, says the Star.

The Sun sees more names: Eva Longoria, Kate Becksindale, Gwen Stefani, Katie Holmes and David Beckham, who the Mirror says was also celebrating his birthday party.

A joint party is always a good idea, preventing either of the Beckhams from claiming more showbiz pals than the other.

(more…)

“BECKS ‘LOVER TO TELL ALL.”

The Star reports that Rebecca Loos is to lift the lid on her “sexploits” in a new TV show.

In what TV watchers are calling Country File meets Channel X celebrity pig tosser Rebecca Loos will tell us all about her love life.

Along with the livestock insights, Loos may find time to mention David Beckham, with whom she alleges an affair.

(more…)

“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

(more…)

A PICTURE of Victoria Beckham, aka Her Poshness, outside a florist shop.
“Mrs Becks just too Posh to push,” says the Express on its front page. Too posh to push a – he-he – “Shopping trolley”.

Indeed, gentle readers, no small shock to learn that Posh buys her own flowers and is not met each morning by a carpet of orchid petals with Day-vid stood at the foot of her bed with a bud between his lips and another tucked nearly into his thong.

But sensation upon sensation as David is said to be buying a football club with the not-in-the-least-bit-creepy Tom Cruise.

(more…)

“VICTORIA’S 1am crisis talks with David,” says the Grazia front-page headline.

What couple has not been there when the third worst phrase in marriage punctures the still, sleepy silence: “You awake?”

But Victoria Beckham, for it is she, is not nudging her Day-vid to talk about her worries but dialling his phone number.

David is also, as reported, on the blower. He’s texting his wife.

Is it a Bext?

Bext (message) (n) - An obscene text message.
 (“You should see the bext he sent me. He’s one dirty son of a bitch.”)

Source: Anorak Dictionary.

David, says Grazia is texting his wife to tell her that he’s going out.

(more…)