EAT your heart out Mary and go fish Katie Holmes – when Angelina gives birth, she gives birth to not one but two Messiahs. Says Angelina: “I was at peace.”

Says Brad: “I find the process absolutely heroic.”

(more…)

NEWS is that “Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sold pictures of their newborn twins for a record £7.5million”.
Reports the Mirror:

Hello! magazine secured the deal after a bidding frenzy with rival OK! to show photographs of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, three weeks old tomorrow.

Other magazines believed to have been in for the snaps, were Paedos Today, IVF Monthly and Voyeur Weekly.

A cheque from Russian website Kidz4Sale.com for the sum of £4.3billion is believed to have bounced…

Picture: 14

“ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER,” says Hello!. “Madonna and Gwyneth share a stroller as they power pram in the park.”

There’s * Madonna, her legs dangling from the pram, and there’s Gwyneth tucked in beside her, champing on a rusk and demanding they be pushed “Faster! Faster! Faster!”.

(more…)

IT’S been a while since we last saw Lady Rose Windsor, and those of you who enjoyed her in episodes 2 and 5 of Upstairs Broadstairs, the aristo soap set in a 1950s resort, will be concerned for her wellbeing.

(more…)

HOW about this for a scoop: “BRAD AND ANGELINA – THE TWINS FIRST WEEK.”

Anorak had been assured by (Fort) Knox’s people that he would get back to us, and not to bother contacting his sister Vivienne directly because she never takes calls on a Tuesday - “on ‘Chooseday’ people should be free to be themselves.”

But while we wait, Hello! nips in and gets the scoop, and we read that Knox is looking at scripts for a film based on the early life of Ghengis Kahn and Vivienne is pleased that Brad and Angelina have ended “this leg of [their] parental journey” and will have her people call their people…

Picture: 14

IN Hello!, Sian Lloyd, former weather girl and fiancee to Cheeky Chappie Lembit Opik, is making a “tribute to Madonna”.

Why Ms Lloyd should do this is not immediately apparent, what with her looking and sounding not a bit like the singer.

Reading on, we learn that Lloyd turns 50 this year, as does Madonna, and therein lies the theme for the conceit.

Readers may be interested to know that others turning 50 this year are Irish on-the-spot dancer Michael Flatley, screeching Seventies singer Kate Bush, Pope shootist , Michelle Bauer star of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), Simon Le Bon, Thomas ‘The Hit Man’ Hearns, Michael Jackson and Charlene Tilton.

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HELLO! informs readers that Sarah Larson is no longer working as a cocktail waitress, and, as befitting George Clooney’s ex, is considering her career options.

“I’ve never had the desire to really want fame,” says Sarah who was spotted “being hung from her ankles 120ft in the air, eating a scorpion and walking a tightrope” on a reality TV show, having been observed dancing on 2o-ft high platform at a Las Vegas club…

“IT was the wedding that all Italy has been waiting for,” coos Hello!.

The curries and chipped potatoes bathed in hot oil coating had been ordered and Naples was ready to welcome Wayne and Coleen.

But further north in Rome was where Hello! tells its readers the real wedding action was to be had.

To the Santo Spirito in Sassia church, which Hello! tells us is “just a stone’s throw from, St Peter’s Basilica”. Armed with handful of confetti and pebbles Anorak looks on as billionaire Flavio Briatore, 58, marries 28-year-old “homegrown model and TV favourite” Elisabetta Gregoraci.

“She has got her feet on the ground,” says the bride’s father Mario, and we, walking on air, nod.

Says the bride: “I feel like I’m in a fairytale and I haven’t woken up.” And we look for the prince to plant a kiss on her ruby lips.

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GIRLS Aloud are on the cover of this week’s Hello!, sporting skin tones rarely seen outside a Starbucks coffee cup.

Fans might even get alight caffeine buzz from staring too long at the image.

Looking down the menu, we find the Mocha Valencia, the orangey-chocolate shot-sized concoction called Cheryl Cole.

Cheryl, we learn, is wearing shoes to cover her self-confessed flat feet (“like flippers!”), holding a white china mug and sat before a bowl of banoffee pie. The potion is described as “big”.

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“YES, Geri Halliwell, I will come to your daughter’s 2nd birthday party.”

We might have to shout because the Hello! front-page invite doesn‘t come with a RSVP. The party is billed as “magical”, and we plan to dress up as Debbie McGee, or if the costumier is out of bronzing agent, her husband Paul Daniels.

But there’s no address given and there is a risk that we will spend too long running about the streets of LA, London, Faliraki, Kabul – where the hell does Geri Halliwell live?

Not everyone is so concerned, and six children do follow the white rabbit, and the orangey-brown thirty-something woman, to Bluebell’s Alice In Wonderland themed do.

“Bluebell has taught me to love myself because she loves me so much,” says Geri, who seemed to be doing just about fine loving herself as she screeched ‘Girl Power’, rubbed her crotch and now uses the occasion of her child’s party to talk about Ugenia Lavender, the children’s book character she’s created, and which lends its name to a range of female sanitary products.

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TO the pages of Hello!, where Mr Peter Phillips, son of stable lad Captain Mark, is marrying Miss Autumn Kelly.

Also in attendance are Miss Chelsy Davy, 22, pictured 16 times, and Miss Kate Middleton, 26, in 13 photos.

Says a source in the Sun: “There is no way that Princes William and Harry would have agreed to allow their girlfriends to be pictured in this way at what was supposed to be a private family event.”

Indeed, not. Over 29 pictures of the two gels, there is not a single shot is either of them wearing a bikini or sunbathing. Prince Harry is said to be “incensed”.

Says the Telegraph: “The wedding cake – decorated with sugar-crafted lily of the valley – was cut with the Army sword of Captain Mark Phillips, the groom’s father.”

The Mail, though, looks beyond the towering triumph of icing and the syrupy filler with the sword and says the wedding special run to 100-pages, trumping the Sun’s 58 pages, and making celebrity watchers wonder if adverts can be counted as part of the photospread?

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LEMBIT Opik MP and his Cheeky Girl Gabi, Britain’s’ answer to Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni, are in Hello! talking about their engagement.

Says Lembit: “My fellow parliamentarians have always been very warm towards me and Gabriela. When she joined me in the Commons one evening, a queue of MPs formed to give her a hug and wish her well.”

You can picture the scene as John Prescott warms his hard on his tray of sweet and sour prawn balls and moves in for the interfratisulated clinch, asking her if there any more like her at ‘ome.

Hello! wants to know what the response has been like to the impending nuptials in Gabi’s native Romania?

“Everybody in Romania has followed every single step of our relationship,” says she,” and Lembit is popular there so the news has been well–received there too.”

Lembit Opik, Liberal Democrat MP for Montgomeryshire, is a hit in Romania? Anorak recalls how Norman Wisdom was big in communist Albania, and how David Hasselhoff achieved pop music success in irony free Germany. Is Opik the Tom Jones of the Carpathians?

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“MEG MATTHEWS RETURNS TO PRIMROSE HILL,” says Hello magazine.

Matthews, who was for a time married to jobbing John Lennon impersonator Noel Gallagher, lives in a “box house”.

What a box house is we cannot say for certain, but we have every reason to imagine it smells of new shoes, stale air and tobacco. It is, though, not a magic box because Matthews is keen for her daughter Anais to be creatively stimulated and not “sat at home playing Nintendo”.

Meg is billed as “rock chick” but she sounds like a middle-class housewife from the Home Counties. She has just bought Anais her “first pony”, Megastar, and the young scamp “spends every waking minute at our local stables”.

Those Londoners who know of stables in Primrose Hill can now realise that the layers of turd that cover the green space are not all made by dogs and wayward clubbers but horses, too.

So keen is Anais on riding that we see her sat on a large orange plastic dog. Matthews has spent periods in rehab and we wonder if this is Megastar, and if pretending it is a live pony is part of Anais’ creative education?

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SOMETHING borrowed, something blue, something old and something new.
Ivana Trump’s wedding has it all, although which is which is best left to others to decipher.

All we can say is that the groom Rossano Rubicondi looks so new he shines like buffer tuppeny bit, the moon is blue and the wedding march is borrowed from the film Rocky.

And here comes Ivan, 59-year-old former model and jobbing Mrs Donald Trump, now working as National Enquirer’s agony aunt.

Ivana is dressed in pastel tones. The invitation, as Hello! explains, stipulates that women must wear pastel shades, but avoid yellow or pink, which would clash with the bride’s hair and natural-look skin tones.

Rossano in clad from his teeth to his tails in gleaming white. His bum might be in the smaltz as Old Mr Anorak says, but he scrubs up well.

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IT’S “CHA-CHA Charmer Brendan Cole”.

There’s Brendan on the cover of Hello! magazine.

“I’ve been in relationships before but this one is right. I’m mad about Zoe,” says the swivel-eyed (surely swivel-hipped) Strictly Come Dancing dancer.

Brendan is the “BAD BOY OF BALLROOM”. He’s a rumba lot, a cock-sure farucca

There’s a photo montage with he and Zoe featuring a horse, Brendon tucking his thumb in his jeans and Brendon staring at Zoe, madly.

In one particularly telling shot, a keeper, the shiny face of pro-celebrity ballroom tosses his head back and give a toothsome laugh.

The Anorak cannot help but think of Rick Mayall in his Young Ones pomp. Rick (“with the silent ‘P’”) was wont to throw his head back and laugh like a hyena with its testicles tucked in a steel trap.

DANIELLE Bux is Gary Linker’s lover.

Former air hostess Danielle, 28, is telling Hello! how she met the 47-year-old former England football and BBC TV presenter at a blind date meal in London.
Says Danielle, via the Sun: “I was surprised how much younger he looked than on TV. I was so nervous I could hardly eat – so he finished my pasta as I went to the loo.”

In the Mail, this anecdote is fleshed out: “I can eat what I want to a certain extent but my only rule is no carbs after 6pm. But then that goes out the window if we are out for dinner.”

Unless she’s out with Gary.

With Gary it’s the perfect match, a Match of the Day, even. He gets the energy-giving carbohydrates and she gets to stay slim.

The Mail says Miss Bux is a “lingerie model” but stops short of revealing her long term plans. Gary Linker models crisps.

“THIS is amazing,” says Adele Silva. “He feels so smooth and although he’s very big, he’s incredibly gentle.”

This is Adele Silva, former Emerdale soap actress and runner up on pro-celebrity cooking on Hell’s Kitchen.

This is Adele Silva telling Hello! magazine of “LOVE AFTER ANTONY”.

Antony is Antony from the now matured adolescent boy band Blue.

And this is a dolphin in Adele’s arms, as the celebrity swims in the azure water off Barbados.

“My feet haven’t touched the ground,” says Adele, pictured lying on a massive bed chair.

Hell’s Kitchen put her career on the map. Since then Adele has been asked to write her own autobiography and launch a perfume.

She turned down both, preventing us from reading about her first 27 years and denying us her essence (a dash of old barn, two parts to one part Mr Msucels lemon and lime).

(more…)

ASKS Hello!” magazine of Anne Diamond, who walked off Celebrity Fit Club:

“Some hurtful things have been written about your struggle with your size. Have you become thick-skinned?”

Or just big boned? Anne…

“IN her own words Jemima Khan tells of her gift to women and children affected by HIV,” says Hello.

Says Jemima: “In the time it takes you to read this, ten more children will have died.”

Whenever we read such a line, the temptation is to read slowly…

(…and give generously)

HARD to look at the picture of Damian Hurley that graces the cover of Hello! and not hear the slashing music of the Omen films.

There’s Damian sat between mother Liz and Arun Nayaer, his step-father.

Damian is pictured sat before a wall of yellow balloons. He wears a red tie under a grey jumpers over a grey shirt, grey socks, grey soft cotton, possibly cashmere, shorts.

He is using a pink pen to draw upon a pink piece of paper. He smiles a toothless smile and looks into the camera.

Inside, and Damian and Liz are sharing a kiss on the lips. He is here to support his mother’s work for a charity called Kids. Damian is five. Damian is a young man.

Hurley says Damian wanted to wear his page boy uniform from her wedding. She says: “He’s uncannily like me and I’m very in tune with him.”

Damian is “obsessed with tea parties”. Damian steps up to help Mr Marvel, a magician brought into entertain the more fortunate unfortunates massed in a Chelsea town house.

Magic. Something frightening.

And the music strikes up. Always the music…

CORRECTION: The Hello! magazine headline

“KEVIN COSTNER AND WIFE CHRISTINE INTRODUCE SON CAYDEN TO THE GREAT OUTDOORS”

should read:

THE GREAT OUTDOORS IS INTRODUCED TO KEVIN COSTNER AND WIFE CHRISTINE’S SON CAYDEN

We apologise for any offence caused…