Linsday Lohan And Mischa Barton’s Death Battle
FOR the first time in weeks, the National Enquirer leads with no picture of Angelina Jolie. And she should not be downhearted because the cover is dominated by the headline: “WHO’LL DIE FIRST?”
Readers are invited to pick from Mischa Barton, Kirstie Alley, Lindsay Lohan, Robin Williams, Whitney Houston, Tori Spelling, The Hoff, Pamela Anderson and Simon Cowell.
With no dead star for a while, the NE is inviting readers to help it decide which obits to have ready by pressing F1 to F9 on the keyboard.
Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Lindsay Lohan Dies In 2010: In Pictures
THE National Enquirer reports that Lindsay Lohan has “ONE YEAR TO LIVE”.
And then, decades to pop up on daytime telly shows to talk about what she used to get up when she felt so alive?
Well, no. The NE says Lohan will die in 2010. It’s not an altogether exact medical report, and only gets looser when we read that she might die.
Although the NE does have form as a ghoulish organ of record, correctly predicting Michael Jackson death. This week it also predicts that “ailing” Liz Taylor is “weeks from DEATH!” hwo many weeks, we do not know, but the guess is anything from 10 to 30,000.
Lohan’s death is also the opinion of a single unnamed “source”. And we should get second opinions from Messers Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax, Ativan, Valium, Adderall and all the other guys on the Serbian soft ball team who think Lindsay is “ace”, and are all namechecked in the article.
Posted: 20th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Angelina Jolie Is Torturing Jennifer Aniston With Peter Andre
ANGELINA Jolie is “torturing” Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie is torturing Jennifer Aniston for charity and to highlight the plight of the panda bear. Angelina Jolie is torturing Jennifer Aniston because she has heard the prayers of the people.
The National Enquirer has more and says the Angelina Jolie is torturing “childless Jen” with her twins on a recent sopping trip to Amman, Jordan.
Jolie and Brad Pitt and Knox and Vivienne are shopping for a birch, the wake of Judah’s cradle or the collected thoughts of Peter Andre: Chapters 1 Through III. If you’re going to torture Jen, you need to come equipped. Bring something messy to put in her hair.
A source tells us that “in Jen’s mind, her [Jolie’s] decision to show off the kids in such a public way was probably done to make her jealous.” It was a “stab in the heart” – which is more akin to murder than torture.
But, then, Jen is handy with knives and any pang to the heart will lead to a slow death that could last for another six years of headlines and news…
Image: 14
Posted: 13th, October 2009 | In: National Enquirer | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Brad Pitt’s Life Of Hell, Beer, Wine, Beards And Chips
IN this week’s National Enquirer, news that Angelina Jolie is “DESTROYING” Brad Pitt, Justin Timberlake’s Rihanna-Biel “LOVE TRIANGLE” and “HOW NICOLE RICHIE LOST 14LBS IN 7 DAYS.”
Brad And Angelina En France:
News is that “BRAD’S FALLING APART”. He’s “bloated” and haggard” as he endures a “life of hell” with Angelina Jolie. He’s losing his looks and it’s “crushing his spirit.”
You can see just how crushed Brad is as he tours a Syrian camp for dispossessed Iraqis on his and Angelina’s Little Donkey Tour of the Middle East.
That’s Brad Pitt with the “unkempt Colonel Sanders-style beard”, the tatty chin with bits of chicken fat, coleslaw and gristle in the creases.
That beard keeps getting longer to hide Brad’s tall stack of chins. Can the chin hair grow in step with his chins? It’s the big talking point.
Meanwhile, back at the chateau, a game of hide and seek is being enacted:
“Brad’s answer to these problems has been to hide away with a bottle of wine and some beer, which is easy for him because the chateau is enormous and he can slip to the other side of the property and stay there for days on end. He’ll find himself some French cheese and meats and grab some olives, chips and other greasy goods. Then he washes it down with bottle after bottle of expensive wine and super-strong European beer, which is his favourite.”
It is a living hell.
Justin Timberlake, Rihanna and Jessica Biel
Rihanna’s people say that Justin Timberlake must end it with Jessica Biel if he is to have any chance to dating Rihanna, who Justin is not dating but might if he drops Jessica Biel.
Only if Timberlake stops dating Biel can he even think of dating Rihanna.
And what foes for Rihanna, goes too for Kirstie Alley, Madonna, Helen Shapiro, Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson and Cheryl Cole…
Perspective With Mary Jo Eustace, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling
Mary Jo has a new book out. It’s called Divorce Sucks. In it she speaks of her ex-husband Dean McDermott and how he and Tori hooked up:
“I guess I always knew that after the years of mini bombs, one day there would be a big, fat Hiroshima.”
After that, Mary Jo gathers herself to talk of a picture she saw of Tori with her legs raised about a prone Dean. And she delivers the bombshell:
“I will never feel the same way about cowboy boots again.”
And you thought there was only one way to think about cowboy boots.
Nicole Richie Slims Down
Did you know that Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds - in weight! -after giving birth to a baby that weighed 7lbs 14oz. Add on the attachments and the water and the breast feeding and the miracle is not that Richie lost weight but that she had any weight left to lose…
Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Kanye West On Suicide Watch As Obama Diss Pushes Him Closer To Edge
“Yo Hemingway, I’m really happy for you. I’ll let you finish, but Hitler had one of the best suicides of all time…”
Posted: 22nd, September 2009 | In: Gallery, Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Scary 98lb Angelina Jolie Haunted By Jennifer Aniston
DO you know that Angelina Jolie weighs 98lbs? Well, she does. The National Enquirer can tell a person’s weight just by looking at them. One day the magazine will finally launch Weight Bitch, in which a reader can angle the magazine towards a work colleague or family members and learn that person’s true weight.
The NE gives hope to its readers, following the boastful headline figure with news on how to be as thin as Jolie. All you need is one Jennifer Aniston and to shag Brad Pitt.
IN “SCARY SKINNY ANGIE HAUNTED BY JEN – 98lb. star blames shocking weight loss on hated rival”, readers learn all about the Jolie Diet.
Posted: 22nd, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Patrick Swayze’s Last Days With Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie
WANT to know about Patrick Swayze’s “sad last days”, with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?
The National Enquirer has the scoop that Patrick Swayze is dying. While Enquirer readers wait for that story to develop, and the rest of us wish Swayze RIP, the Enquirer brings shock news of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It’s:
“Brad & Angie’s WILD FIGHT OVER JEN!”
Can it be that after six years of front-page speculation linking brad to his ex-wife, Angelina has finally seen what Brad stopped seeing and a made play for Angelina herself?
Inside, and we read of “BRAD AND ANGIE’S BIGGEST BUST-UP EVER!”
To Chateau Miraval, France, where Brad and Ange are talking about Jen:
“They had just finished having breakfast with the kids when Ange turned around and accused Brad of trying to get in touch with Jen again via text message.”
The Enquirer says that Jen rebuffed Brad’s textual advances.
Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Dr Conrad Murray Jailed As ‘Michael Jackson Made Me Do It’ Defence Fails
IN this week’s National Enquirer: Michael Jackson’s Dr Conrad Murray is sent down, Pete Wentz causes Ashlee Simpson to talk of divorce and Heidi Montag is hell-sent…
Michael Jackson Homicide
“DESPERATE ‘DR DEATH’ BLAMES MICHAEL”
“DR DEATH” is “cowardly” Conrad Murray, and he might blame Michael Jackson for his alleged involvement in the singer’s death should a Dr Barry Friedberg be right when he says:
“He’s going to try to put the blame on Jackson. But it won’t work because Murray was the one with the medical license, the power to prescribe medication and the job of keeping his patient alive.”
Dr Friedberg is not only “a Propofol expert”, he is an expert in legal matters and knows Dr Murray’s defence, a man who there is no evidence of his ever having met. Indeed, there is no evidence that Dr Friedberg ever met Michael Jackson.
And Dr Friedberg’s expertise doesn’t end there:
“But if Murray thinks the people around Michael are intimidating, wait until he gets a load of the inmates in prison.”
Dr Friedbeg is medical expert, lawyer, judge and jury.Case closed.
Heidi Montag Anti-Christ Bikini
Posted: 8th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Angelina Jolie’s Lost Sex Diaries, Brad Pitt’s Contents Revealed
ANGELINA Jolie’s “LOST DIARIES” have been found. And the National Enquirer has the news on what Ange wrote about “BRAD, JEN & HER KINKY SEX LIFE”.
Once inside the magazine, we realise that the diaries have not been found by the Enquirer. But not to worry because the word “diary” enables the Enquirer to make a good guess at what these diaries contain.
They contain “intimate details about her sex life and revels her innermost feelings about partner Brad Pitt”.
They contain “dates” in chronological orders, notes on “public holidays” and very possibly a table that converts decimal measurements into metric and then lists all the capitals of ALL the nations, including Shiloh’s native NAMIBIA!
Posted: 8th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jaycee Dugard Married Phillip Garrido, Best-Friend Tells All
JAYCEE Dugard: The National Enquirer has “THE REAL REASON KIDNAPPED JAYCEE DIDN’T RUN”.
Want to know why Jaycee Dugard didn’t run for Phillip and Nancy Garrido?
First up, we learn that Jaycee married Phillip Garrido in his garden paedo paradise. And she didn’t run because Garrido “brainwashed” Jaycee into believing that God wanted them to be together. And if she escaped then everyone would die.
How does the Enquirer know this? Well a “source” tells us. And the source has more:
“Garrido brought a tape player into the shed and began to play a tape of him singing one of his own songs. Apparently, in his deranged mind, he thought it would create a romantic setting. He forced Jaycee down onto a filthy mattress, telling her, ‘This is what God wants us to do.’”
Later she came to “love him”, so we learn. And she gave birth in the same shed, “sound-proofed to cover her screams”. And that Nancy Garrido was also “brainwashed” by Phil.
All facts, as Jaycee’s stepfather Carl Probyn, who actually lives with Jaycee, tells us:
“I don’t know if she was brainwashed, I don’t know if she was walking around on the street, I don’t know if she was locked under key for 18 years.”
Posted: 8th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Sarah Palin: Scott Richter Moves For Secrecy
TABLOID Baby on Scott Richter, the man accused of having an affair with Sarah Palin has filed an emergency motion to have his divorce records sealed!
The McCain campaign threatened to sue the National Enquirer for reporting that Sarah got it on with Scott Richter, her husband’s former business partner. The religious right “family values” wing will probably give her a pass on this one, just like they gave her unwed daughter a pass on the teen pregnancy.
But imagine if this were the Obamas… or if Michell Obama had belonged to a political party that wanted to secede from the United States…
Why imagine- let’s make it up and stick it on the web…
Posted: 6th, September 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House, Sarah Palin, Twitterings | Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Sarah Palin Extra Maritial Affair Denial
THE National Enquirer says: “SARAH PALIN’S DARK SECRETS - Affair that nearly ruined her career”.
Says the McCain camp:
“The smearing of the Palin family must end. The allegations contained on the cover of the National Enquirer insinuating that Gov. Palin had an extramarital affair are categorically false. It is a vicious lie,” said McCain senior adviser Steve Schmidt.
“The efforts of the media and tabloids to destroy this fine and accomplished public servant are a disgrace. The American people will reject it…”
“Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin look forward to discussing the issues that Americans care about, fixing broken government, creating jobs, making our country energy independent and securing the peace for the next generation by bringing the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to a victorious end,” said Schmidt.
“Legal action will be considered with regard to this disgraceful smear.”
Says he:
The National Enquirer is on a roll.
From its John Edwards’ story to this cover featuring Sarah Palin’s dark secrets, I can guarantee that media outlets around the country will read every word of this story.
And you thought it was all trash…
Says TB:
In the end, the tabloid media are doing their job, and the “mainstream media” are doing theirs’, having their cake and eating it by holding their noses while reporting on the tabloid reportage. And yeah, McCain’s group will sue, just like Eddie Murphy sued– make a big noise announcing it before quietly withdrawing the action down the road…
Tis the way…
Posted: 4th, September 2008 | In: John McCain, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House, Sarah Palin, Twitterings | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
More No News On Not John Edwards’ Baby
JOHN Edwards, the former Presidential hopeful, is the subject of the biggest non-story in the US. The National Enquirer broke it. But no other big US media player wants to give the tabloid credit. Says John Edwards:
I think every single candidate for president, Republican and Democratic have lives, personal lives, that indicate something about what kind of human being they are. And I think it is a fair evaluation for America to engage in to look at what kind of human beings each of us are, and what kind of president we’d make.
Can a frontline politician hide:
Posted: 7th, August 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House | Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Looking For Barack Obama’s Love Child And Missing Brother
BREAKING news in the National Enquirer of “OBAMA LOVE CHILD SCANDAL”.
Cynics and afficiandos of tabloid news, such as we are, wonder if the story is:
“Goat born out of wedlock in Japanese city of Obama”
“Barack Obama is Not a love child”
“Claude Obama III, of Wisconsin, has had love child and named it…BARACK”
Inside the magazine, and the news is: “HUNT FOR OBAMA’S SECRET LOVE CHILD.”
Posted: 5th, August 2008 | In: Barack Obama, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House | Comments (8) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
How the LA Times Failed To Cover The John Edwards Affair
TABLOID Baby, Anorak’s man in LA, looks at the John Edwards love child “scandal”.
A story breaks in Los Angeles and the LA Times not only ignores the it, it bans its online writers from covering it.
Says TB: “Hey, we like John Edwards, too. He stands for the right things. But you know what, like Gary Hart, he tempted fate and got caught.”
Here’s the memo sent out by LA Times editor Tony Pierce:
Posted: 27th, July 2008 | In: Anorak In New York, John Edwards, National Enquirer, Politicians | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Barack Obama Death Cult Takes To The Air
IT’S “the secret story hidden from the world.” It’s the “PLOT TO KILL OBAMA!”
Secret? Oh, come on, the National Enquirer must be joking, or not talking to the right people. The plot to kill Obama is part of the Barack Obama Death Cult, and it’s gathering momentum.
Posted: 22nd, July 2008 | In: Barack Obama, Barack Obama Death Cult, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Britney Spears And Mel Gibson’s SON
“BRIT & MEL GIBSON’S SON!”
So says the National Enquirer on its cover page. What follows is “the shocking truth”.
The truth. You want the truth? You sure you can handle the truth?
Posted: 1st, July 2008 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
IS there nothing Barack Obama cannot do?
The National Enquirer announces on its front page: “OBAMA ABANDONED BY HIS MOM – TWICE!”
Such news is surely deserving of not one but two exclamation marks.
And it would be were this not Barack Obama who does everything twice, everything twice, being as he is the son of one Barack Hussein Obama, as the Enquirer says, as the Enquirer says!!
He is twice abandoned. He is twice come:
That is why I am here, because Barack Obama is the ONLY person in this who understands that. That before we can work on the problems, we have to fix our souls. Our souls are broken in this nation - Michelle Obama
For it is written:
“I cried all night. I’m going to be crying for the next four years,” he said. “What Barack Obama has accomplished is the single most extraordinary event that has occurred in the 232 years of the nation’s political history. … The event itself is so extraordinary that another chapter could be added to the Bible to chronicle its significance” - Politico
Posted: 25th, June 2008 | In: Barack Obama, National Enquirer, Politicians, Race For The White House | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service
RING! RING!
This is recorded announcement. The Celebrity Baby Ordering Service is busy right now.
Press 1 to leave an order; 2 for returns; 3 for the Malawi office; 4 for a product recall on Armanis.
In the meantime, a word from our sponsors:
Coleen McLoughlin and her footballer Wayne Rooney have placed an order for “three or four” babies (Mirror).
Looks are unspecified, so too marketable skills, but the packages available are:
The C for 3: Three children - one boy (Capri Son) and two girls (Chamois and Jolie).
The D for 4: Four boys – (Capri Son, Bros, Eusebio) and a discounted ginger child called Leslie Edmonds.
Beep!
Hollywood VIP Nicole Richie and her tattooed Elton John look-alike singer husband Joel Madden have placed an order in the National Enquirer.
Says Richie: “I want five children. Twin boys and three girls.”
She’s opted for the B for Five package - Julian, Dick, Anne and the twin boys George and Timmy.
Beep! Message ends.
Cue theme song from Annie…
Picture: 14
Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, National Enquirer, Wags & Players | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Britney Spears In Training For K-Ferret’s Baby
“BRITNEY TO HAVE KEVIN’S BABY,” announces the National Enquirer.
While Anorak’s go ahead knitting department sets about create a frappuccino warmer, an “insider” tells us that Britney “has always wanted kids” and “she’d like all her children to have the same dad.”
Unless Prince William steps forward, that’s a mating call for Kevin Federline.
“That’s why she’s been on such good behaviour,” continues our woman with a turkey baster. “She’s trying to show Kevin she’s healthy enough to be a new mom again.”
Can it be that K-Ferret only mates with women who can run a five minute mile to the pharmacists before closing time, bench press a rack of ribs (with both kinds of sauce) or inhale a cigarette in one drag while playing the Flight of The Bumblebee on their nostril comb?
Posted: 17th, June 2008 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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