READING this week’s OK! is to venture into the A to Z of Celebrity Diseases.

Victoria Beckham would like OK! readers to know: “I HATE LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.”

For such reasons does Her Poshness appear in magazines and thereby gets to see herself in glossy print.

Natasha Hamilton, a singer, tells us about “MY DEVASTATING MISCARRIAGE”. Although she pulled herself together to watch Disney’s On Ice Finding Nemo, which the kids “loved”.

And Girl Aloud singer Nadine Coyle tells us:

“I kept getting ill, coming out in cold sores with the stress. Then a found a lump in my breast.”

And? And it wasn’t cancer. But it could have been. It could have been a piece of gristle. But it could have been cancer. And Nemo could have died.

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KERRY Katona uses her OK! Diary to tell us that’s she has a perfume coming out in October.

Parfumiers are right not harvesting the contents of Kerry’s knickers, sheets and husband for an essence that can be boiled, distilled and poured into a styrofoam burger box.

CHERYL COLE wants you to know that “I CAN’T CRY ANY MORE THAN I’VE CRIED.”

Cheryl Cole has suffered, although not from water retention.

“I WAS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND UNDER SIX STONE,” says the headline.

Moving inside OK!, past “CHERYL WALKS AND TALKS” to Cheryl weeps and wails.

It’s not all about Cheryl, and this is a feature on she and her Girls Aloud bandmates. And we will get to whatsherface, the skinny one, the very skinny one and the one with the red-hair soon enough.

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GARETH GATES has got married in a castle.

Not a Hardcastle, although on hearing the news Old Mr Anorak did say that his average age is nine-nine-nine-ninety.

Gareth Gate is getting married in Belvoir Castle…

Hey, it wasn’t us that mentioned Gareth’s stammer, but OK which says: “How on earth would the young prince ever muster the courage to speak to a woman?”

Gates is not a prince, and if he was then Will Yonug, who beat him to the Pop Idol crown, would be king, and a gay king would never do, not since you know who was on the throne. Gay princes, on the other hand, remain de rigueur.

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ACTRESS Jessica Alba is talking to OK! about the birth of her daughter Honor:

“The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I didn’t scream. It was really Zen.”

And Zen she screamed..?

SIENNA Miller is in convensation with OK!

OK! Do you feel you are being treated unfairly by the media?

“But at the end of the day it’s not a big deal. I mean there’s a war on, people are starving, we live on a little island and it’s not important…

Hopefully, eventually, that [work] will supersede the other less meaningful aspects of my life, but it’s a process, you know. It’s a battle.”

BABY vborn. Baby sold:

The endless race for the latest set of exclusive celebrity photos wraps another round, with OK! reportedly snapping up the first pictures of Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves’ son Levi Alves

Source

CAN you copyright Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin’s wedding, as OK! claims on its front page?

Fearful of falling foul of the OK! legal eagles who have so handsomely tipped the waiter at the Raj Poot Curry House and TAN-dori Spa, Anorak’s relives the do on the Italian Riviera, a location as far removed from the actual event as possible.

Rather than have Wayne say his usual “F** yoos you c***”, we have instead: “Coleen, I love you more than words can say – you’re my life.”

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THE wedding of Wayne Rooney and his Coleen, and a question for OK! readers:

Who would have thought that two 16 year olds who met on the streets of Liverpool, went to an Austin Powers movie, and got engaged on a petrol station forecourt , would six years later be getting married in the most glamorous and talked-about wedding of the decade?”

Well, not OK! which would surely have secured the rights to the wedding snaps for something more akin to a Family pack of Revels and a quick feel by the crisps, rather then £3million.

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MORE inside tips from the world of celebrity as a source close to acting twins Mary Kate Olsen and her sister Ashley tells OK! magazine:

“Every time they pose and smile, they say the word ‘prune’.”

Another source tells us:

“It could be true (that they say prune) but unfortunately I can’t say — they like to keep their personal lives personal. They do care about their smiles though. Mary-Kate has slightly thinner lips and more of a playful grin, while Ashley tends to go for a full-on pout. It has been the obv(ious) way to tell them apart for years.”

More celebrity insight throughout the day…

PANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.

So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her £100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.

A source says Coleen had to “sneak out” of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that she’s working on.

But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her £3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.

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YOU join us on the roof of Mariah Carey’s building where Nick Cannon, Tommy Cannon’s youngest, is asking Carey to marry him.

A yes. Another yes. And Mariah is on the phone to her father, George Carey. Can he get Westminster Abbey? It would seem not.

And so Mariah is forced into a beach wedding in the Bahamas, such as those featured on TV’s Weddings From Hell and in the pages of self-medicating women’s magazines.

What occurs next is, says OK!, Mariah “secret wedding”.

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FOR those of you heard the “lies” about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing she’d never married him; for those of you who’ve read that she’s “depressed” and “suffering fresh doubts” about her marriage, forget it.

Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are “lies”.

Get over them. And get over yourself.

This is Kerry Katona’s OK! Diary, OK, and she knows what’s what.

Okay!?

“WHAT’s stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?”

That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.

“It’s their decision,” says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry “stayed private”.

Liverpool fans may well nod. They’ve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.

But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Sheree’s arms, which stay quite thin (“a lot of it was water”).

These are private moments with the Kewells.

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PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.

Given Peter’s careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.

In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.

But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?

Peter tells OK! readers of his “inner circle”, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: “Sometimes we’re a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldn’t.”

The urine, right? “A lot of stories are false anyway.”

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“IT’S CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS – SHE’S SO FRICKIN’ FUNNY,” says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!” magazine.

Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she “just has that British sense of humour.”

Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular “only joking, pal” when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.

Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.

Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.

And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobster’s severed head languishes beside some asparagus.

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SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: “I DON’T HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.”

No, that what celebrity mums’ nurses are for, say you. But you’d be wrong.

Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and it’s good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.

No, that’s not it either.

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“SARAH HARDING And TOM CRANE.”

OK! magazine begins in customary fashion, screaming the names of its star turns. Those readers taking Anorak’s GCSE in OK! Studies may look for the ensuing “Compare and contrast”, “Discuss” or “Explain”.

But none is forthcoming. “SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE” is the whole story.

And inside the magazine we get to see them being SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE in their converted Victoria school building.

Sat on a sofa that could fill a primary school playground, we see Sarah in a silvery dress. She is lying on Crane. Her eyes are to the camera. Crane is trying to read a book.

It’s a look slightly less natural and sinister than Robert Kilroy Silk’s tan line (if you see Robert, let us know.)

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OK!’s “25 best diet tips ever” features a picture of Cheryl Cole at No.1.

Runs the explainer: “Make like Cheryl Cole and blend your own fruit smoothies to help meet the five-a-day fruit and vegetable intake guidelines”.

Take care not to exceed the guidelines lest you become brim-full and overspill in a car, say, or in a romantic interlude with an insignificant other.

Keep taking the carrots, Ashley…

JENNIFER Lopez is presenting twins Max and Emme to OK! readers.

Which one is named after the TV awards do and which is named after a cola-based drink is not immediately apparent.

What is noticeable is that one child looks about three times older than the other and about twice the size. The smaller child has its eyes closed, and the bigger one its eyes open.

You can almost hear them communicating.

Of course, the real question is which gets the mother’s buttocks and which the husband’s face?

The hope is that Emme gets the former and Max the latter. But life can be cruel and while a man with a ripe pumpkin–sized backside will attract attention, a girl with a whispy goatee and skin tones that would see a lesser man hospitalised may retreat into her shell.

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OK! Magazine’s “PSYCHIC SALLY” is in conversation with EastEnders’ Joe Swash.

Dim the lights…

Sally: You play your character in EastEnders relly well, as as far as the public is concerned, you are Mickey. But you have a burning need to do something else. Would I be right?

Joe: Yes, you would be.

As reported on Anorak on February 25, Joe has been written out of the EastEnders cast.

Spooky…

KERRY Katona in her OK! column:

“They’re making news out of nothing and it’s doing my head in.”

More of her customary insight next week…