‘OK!’
OK! magazine’s weekly look at celebrity, featuring you know who, what’s his name and her from EastEnders
READING this weekâs OK! is to venture into the A to Z of Celebrity Diseases.
Victoria Beckham would like OK! readers to know: âI HATE LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.â
For such reasons does Her Poshness appear in magazines and thereby gets to see herself in glossy print.
Natasha Hamilton, a singer, tells us about âMY DEVASTATING MISCARRIAGEâ. Although she pulled herself together to watch Disneyâs On Ice Finding Nemo, which the kids âlovedâ.
And Girl Aloud singer Nadine Coyle tells us:
âI kept getting ill, coming out in cold sores with the stress. Then a found a lump in my breast.â
And? And it wasnât cancer. But it could have been. It could have been a piece of gristle. But it could have been cancer. And Nemo could have died.
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Anorak
KERRY Katona uses her OK! Diary to tell us thatâs she has a perfume coming out in October.
Parfumiers are right not harvesting the contents of Kerryâs knickers, sheets and husband for an essence that can be boiled, distilled and poured into a styrofoam burger box.
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Anorak
CHERYL COLE wants you to know that âI CANâT CRY ANY MORE THAN IâVE CRIED.â
Cheryl Cole has suffered, although not from water retention.
âI WAS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED AND UNDER SIX STONE,â says the headline.
Moving inside OK!, past âCHERYL WALKS AND TALKSâ to Cheryl weeps and wails.
Itâs not all about Cheryl, and this is a feature on she and her Girls Aloud bandmates. And we will get to whatsherface, the skinny one, the very skinny one and the one with the red-hair soon enough.
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Anorak
GARETH GATES has got married in a castle.
Not a Hardcastle, although on hearing the news Old Mr Anorak did say that his average age is nine-nine-nine-ninety.
Gareth Gate is getting married in Belvoir CastleâŚ
Hey, it wasnât us that mentioned Garethâs stammer, but OK which says: âHow on earth would the young prince ever muster the courage to speak to a woman?â
Gates is not a prince, and if he was then Will Yonug, who beat him to the Pop Idol crown, would be king, and a gay king would never do, not since you know who was on the throne. Gay princes, on the other hand, remain de rigueur.
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Anorak
ACTRESS Jessica Alba is talking to OK! about the birth of her daughter Honor:
“The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused. I didn’t scream. It was really Zen.”
And Zen she screamed..?
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Anorak
SIENNA Miller is in convensation with OK!
OK! Do you feel you are being treated unfairly by the media?
âBut at the end of the day itâs not a big deal. I mean thereâs a war on, people are starving, we live on a little island and itâs not importantâŚ
Hopefully, eventually, that [work] will supersede the other less meaningful aspects of my life, but itâs a process, you know. Itâs a battle.â
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Anorak
BABY vborn. Baby sold:
The endless race for the latest set of exclusive celebrity photos wraps another round, with OK! reportedly snapping up the first pictures of Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alvesâ son Levi Alves
Source
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Anorak
CAN you copyright Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlinâs wedding, as OK! claims on its front page?
Fearful of falling foul of the OK! legal eagles who have so handsomely tipped the waiter at the Raj Poot Curry House and TAN-dori Spa, Anorakâs relives the do on the Italian Riviera, a location as far removed from the actual event as possible.
Rather than have Wayne say his usual âF** yoos you c***â, we have instead: âColeen, I love you more than words can say â youâre my life.â
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THE wedding of Wayne Rooney and his Coleen, and a question for OK! readers:
Who would have thought that two 16 year olds who met on the streets of Liverpool, went to an Austin Powers movie, and got engaged on a petrol station forecourt , would six years later be getting married in the most glamorous and talked-about wedding of the decade?â
Well, not OK! which would surely have secured the rights to the wedding snaps for something more akin to a Family pack of Revels and a quick feel by the crisps, rather then ÂŁ3million.
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Anorak
MORE inside tips from the world of celebrity as a source close to acting twins Mary Kate Olsen and her sister Ashley tells OK! magazine:
âEvery time they pose and smile, they say the word âpruneâ.â
Another source tells us:
âIt could be true (that they say prune) but unfortunately I can’t say â they like to keep their personal lives personal. They do care about their smiles though. Mary-Kate has slightly thinner lips and more of a playful grin, while Ashley tends to go for a full-on pout. It has been the obv(ious) way to tell them apart for years.â
More celebrity insight throughout the dayâŚ
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Anorak
PANIC! Coleen McLoughlin has had to make an emergency dash to New York just two weeks before her wedding to Wayne Rooney.
So says the Mail. But why? Because, dear readers, her ÂŁ100,000 Marchesa dress no longer fits.
A source says Coleen had to âsneak outâ of the country and into New York, possibly under the cloak of darkness and disguised as an Islamic fundamentalist to avoid arousing suspicion. She may have worn an oversized baseball cap to fit in, with a W and C entwined on the front, or some other logo that sheâs working on.
But some how the press got wind of it, and the entire mad-cap drama threatens to steal the thunder from her ÂŁ3 million OK!-sponsored wedding.
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Anorak
YOU join us on the roof of Mariah Careyâs building where Nick Cannon, Tommy Cannonâs youngest, is asking Carey to marry him.
A yes. Another yes. And Mariah is on the phone to her father, George Carey. Can he get Westminster Abbey? It would seem not.
And so Mariah is forced into a beach wedding in the Bahamas, such as those featured on TVâs Weddings From Hell and in the pages of self-medicating womenâs magazines.
What occurs next is, says OK!, Mariah âsecret weddingâ.
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Anorak
FOR those of you heard the âliesâ about Kerry Katona being trapped with Mark Croft and wishing sheâd never married him; for those of you whoâve read that sheâs âdepressedâ and âsuffering fresh doubtsâ about her marriage, forget it.
Those stories about her being trapped in a marriage with Mark Croft, about her suffering fresh doubts and being depressed are âliesâ.
Get over them. And get over yourself.
This is Kerry Katonaâs OK! Diary, OK, and she knows whatâs what.
Okay!?
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Anorak
âWHATâs stopped you thrusting yourselves into the limelight, like the Beckhams?â
That question to Sheree Murphy and occasional Liverpool footballer Harry Kewell, who features on the front cover of OK! magazine.
âItâs their decision,â says Sheree, who says that she and her footballer got loads of offers but Harry âstayed privateâ.
Liverpool fans may well nod. Theyâve seen little of Harry Kewell in this time at the club, and rumours abound that he not so much shuns the limelight as the light itself.
But here is Harry, at home in his wooden kitchen, with son Taylor dangling round his neck, daughter Ruby sat on the granite worktop and newborn baby Matilda in Shereeâs arms, which stay quite thin (âa lot of it was waterâ).
These are private moments with the Kewells.
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Anorak
PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.
Given Peterâs careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.
In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.
But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?
Peter tells OK! readers of his âinner circleâ, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: âSometimes weâre a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldnât.â
The urine, right? âA lot of stories are false anyway.â
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Anorak
âITâS CRAZY HOW FUNNY SHE IS â SHEâS SO FRICKINâ FUNNY,â says either Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham, who are in audience with OK!â magazine.
Both might have provided the headline quote, given that they are best of best friends. On further investigation, though, it turns out that Eva is talking of Posh who is funny because she âjust has that British sense of humour.â
Not that spite-filled English sense of humour that seeks out a victim to ridicule and destroy, injecting the assault with a jocular âonly joking, palâ when the victim looks on the point of tears or violence.
Posh, allegedly, is possessed of that self-depricating, irony-laden British sense of humour.
Posh is, apparently, really funny. So funny is she that we would not be surprised to learn that being Victoria Beckham is all a comedy act, a merciless and clever skit on the shallowness of talentless celebrities.
And Eva has picked up the subtleties, posing with a Magnum ice cream alongside an image of her advertising Magnum ice creams. She then stands before a plate on which a lobsterâs severed head languishes beside some asparagus.
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Anorak
SAYS KERRY Katona in OK! magazine: âI DONâT HAVE TO WEAN MY BABY OFF COCAINE.â
No, that what celebrity mumsâ nurses are for, say you. But youâd be wrong.
Kerry does not have to wean her baby off cocaine because her baby is going to be a star and itâs good to get a taste for narcotics early and be one step ahead of the pack.
No, thatâs not it either.
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Anorak
âSARAH HARDING And TOM CRANE.â
OK! magazine begins in customary fashion, screaming the names of its star turns. Those readers taking Anorakâs GCSE in OK! Studies may look for the ensuing âCompare and contrastâ, âDiscussâ or âExplainâ.
But none is forthcoming. âSARAH HARDING and TOM CRANEâ is the whole story.
And inside the magazine we get to see them being SARAH HARDING and TOM CRANE in their converted Victoria school building.
Sat on a sofa that could fill a primary school playground, we see Sarah in a silvery dress. She is lying on Crane. Her eyes are to the camera. Crane is trying to read a book.
Itâs a look slightly less natural and sinister than Robert Kilroy Silkâs tan line (if you see Robert, let us know.)
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Anorak
OK!âs â25 best diet tips everâ features a picture of Cheryl Cole at No.1.
Runs the explainer: âMake like Cheryl Cole and blend your own fruit smoothies to help meet the five-a-day fruit and vegetable intake guidelinesâ.
Take care not to exceed the guidelines lest you become brim-full and overspill in a car, say, or in a romantic interlude with an insignificant other.
Keep taking the carrots, Ashley…
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Anorak
JENNIFER Lopez is presenting twins Max and Emme to OK! readers.
Which one is named after the TV awards do and which is named after a cola-based drink is not immediately apparent.
What is noticeable is that one child looks about three times older than the other and about twice the size. The smaller child has its eyes closed, and the bigger one its eyes open.
You can almost hear them communicating.
Of course, the real question is which gets the motherâs buttocks and which the husbandâs face?
The hope is that Emme gets the former and Max the latter. But life can be cruel and while a man with a ripe pumpkinâsized backside will attract attention, a girl with a whispy goatee and skin tones that would see a lesser man hospitalised may retreat into her shell.
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Anorak
OK! Magazineâs âPSYCHIC SALLYâ is in conversation with EastEnders’ Joe Swash.
Dim the lights…
Sally: You play your character in EastEnders relly well, as as far as the public is concerned, you are Mickey. But you have a burning need to do something else. Would I be right?
Joe: Yes, you would be.
As reported on Anorak on February 25, Joe has been written out of the EastEnders cast.
Spooky…
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Anorak
KERRY Katona in her OK! column:
âTheyâre making news out of nothing and itâs doing my head in.â
More of her customary insight next week…
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Anorak