IT’S been a while since we last saw Lady Rose Windsor, and those of you who enjoyed her in episodes 2 and 5 of Upstairs Broadstairs, the aristo soap set in a 1950s resort, will be concerned for her wellbeing.

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KATE Middleclass and Prince Wills are to marry… each other. Hurrah!

“Double blow for middle class families,” says the Telegraph on its front page. But this is not time for petty jealousies and laments for David Cameron’s new centre parting, this is a time of joy.

The Express says there to be a Christmas engagement for William and Kate.

With any luck the paper’s sister organ OK! Ya will feature the event over a 78-page photospread, it being what his mother wold have wanted…

TO the pages of Hello!, where Mr Peter Phillips, son of stable lad Captain Mark, is marrying Miss Autumn Kelly.

Also in attendance are Miss Chelsy Davy, 22, pictured 16 times, and Miss Kate Middleton, 26, in 13 photos.

Says a source in the Sun: “There is no way that Princes William and Harry would have agreed to allow their girlfriends to be pictured in this way at what was supposed to be a private family event.”

Indeed, not. Over 29 pictures of the two gels, there is not a single shot is either of them wearing a bikini or sunbathing. Prince Harry is said to be “incensed”.

Says the Telegraph: “The wedding cake – decorated with sugar-crafted lily of the valley – was cut with the Army sword of Captain Mark Phillips, the groom’s father.”

The Mail, though, looks beyond the towering triumph of icing and the syrupy filler with the sword and says the wedding special run to 100-pages, trumping the Sun’s 58 pages, and making celebrity watchers wonder if adverts can be counted as part of the photospread?

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PRINCE William is landing a helicopter in girlfriend Kate Middleton’s garden.

He was only supposed to hover at 15ft and so dry the Middletons’ washing, and there is understandable “outrage” that he should have found cause to land.

The Express finds an “aviation analyst” to say: “This is an absolute waste of training hours on the Chinook helicopter that the military are hard-press to afford.”

The Sun puts the cost of the landing at £30,000, and Anorak suggests that next time Wills picks up Kate he lowers a knotted rope so cutting down on the expense.

Says one voice in the Sun: “If the Middletons had been tooled up with AK47s to resist the landing, it might have had training value.”

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PRINCE William and Kate Middleton are cooling things orf.

The News of the World reports that “he wants to put their love on hold while he concentrates on his military training”.

Having worked in the City, the Army, the Peace Corps and as an impresario, Wills is now learning to fly with the RAF.

Wills is not unlike Mr Benn, the children’s TV character who pops into a costumiers and by the process of magic gets in character and lives the dream for a while before moving on to the next adventure.

After the RAF, Wills will try his luck as a clown, a Prince Edward look-alike and a butler.

But before that he’s got the jets and with it the lifestyle of a single man as he agrees a “SECRET PACT” in which he and Kate will have little contact over the next year.

This will get Kate ready for a life married to a taciturn royal, as she adopts the Diana position.

A source says: “William has told Kate if they can survive this long stint apart then he’ll propose to her.”

She should watch the Telegraph’s Court Circular page for further updates, or, and Wills is ever the modern royal, the fax machine…

KATE Middleton, gelfriend to Prince William, is wearing a trouser suit in a green and black motif with matching knee boots.

The Mirror looks on. And it finds Kate hard to spot. No sooner has Kate Middleton pulled on the ensemble then everyone’s wearing it.

“THEY’RE ALL THE BLOODY SAME,” says the Mirror.

And: “There you were believing Kate Middleton was worlds apart from the arrogant royals she now mixes with.” Yeah, the millionaire’s daughter from Berkshire had us fooled.

“But with the crack of a rifle the 25-year-old’s image of an everyday girl who loves animals is blown away as she joins in a cruel stag hunt at Balmoral.” A so-called stalk.

Kate is said to work at “anti-fur fashion chain Jigsaw”. We have delved into the world of animal pelts and find that Stag do not have fur. And then the Stag Kate is shooting at is made of metal.

But, as the Mail reports, she remains under fire from the animal lobby.

A spokesperson for People for Ethical Treatment of Animals says: “It is abhorrent that she is engaging in blood sports. Kate is obviously trying to endear herself to the Royal Family, which is absolutely appalling.”

Indeed it is. Who’d be friends with them.

As such, PETA may well be tempted to approve the use of firearms against the Royals. But the Windsors are clad in so much protective fur that to shoot them would be an act of unimaginable cruelty.

For this reason, it may be that Kate’s fashion will have to change…

DID Princess Diana ever wear black and white stripes?

While the Sun’s researcher looks through the archives, the paper produces a picture of Chelsy Davy and Kate Middleton in such a mode.

The girls are dating Prince Harry and Prince William, respectively and exclusively, and are “in lines to the throne”.

Chelsy is an bandeau dress and in the Mahiki club, London. Kate is in a knitted dress in a trade fair in West London.

The Sun wonders “What’s black and white and red all over”. It supplies no answer, leading readers to guess between a) a penguin in a penguin suit, b) Jonathan Ross’s newspaper column, and c) Michael Jackson.

The Mirror, however, focuses less on the dress and more on Chelsy’s face. This is “Chelsy Dazey” leaving the aforesaid club at 2.30am.

She jumps into a black cap with grey seats and red piping…