FOLLOWING the book Paul Burrell: I Shagged Diana comes Paul Burrell: I Didn’t Shag Diana.

Says Burrell in the Star:

“Anyone who knows me, who knew the princess and understands the boundaries and decencies of royal service, as well as the integrity and trust which exist within our working relationship at Kensington Palace, will know just how fanciful, distasteful and malicious these claims truly are.”

Read Paul Burrell: My Integrity, Trust & Decency in paper back, hardback and bareback.

As Burrell brother-in-law Ron Cosgrove puts it:

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“PAUL BURRELL: ‘I HAD SEX WITH DIANA,” screams the News of the World’s front-page shocker. And we wonder if the Rock has sunk to a new low? Loyal servants pine for their lost masters but Diana is dead and this… This is sick.

This is the “sick boast exposed by his wife’s brother”, says the paper. Know that “disgraced royal butler Paul Burrell has plumbed shocking new depths of treachery, with vile boasts that he secretly BEDDED Princess Diana.”

Better in secret than atop of fourth plinth of Trafalgar square, so allowing Dian’s other sexual conquests to pass by and apprise the efforts in a live TV spectacular.

But still, it’s a shock that Burrell is a grave robber. How much worse can it get?

The slimy flunky bragged to his wife’s brother Ron Cosgrove that he was on call for sex 24/7. Ron told us: “Burrell said Diana was so demanding. And he told me he’d caught the Queen naked.”

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THE SUN never gets its man. It did once get the ARA General Belgrano and 323 lives, and it did “Wot won” an election for Margret Thatcher, but these days the paper misses its target with aplomb.

Take Amy Winehouse, the chanteuse the Sun grassed up to the cops for her apparent talcum powder inhaling. Winehouse remains at liberty, but the Sun says there’s a new video of the singer “taking drugs, having public sex with Blake, 26, and making racist chants”.

But no-one’s listening, not really, and were it not for our Celebrity Police Force’s (CPF) mission to be pictured with our celebs the Sun could be charged with wasting police time.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

And here’s Paul Burrell, another of the Sun’s designated villains. The paper had a video of Burrell “confessing he lied to the [Diana] inquest and wanted him prosecuted for perjury confessing he lied to the inquest.” It showed the tape to the CPF.

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THE Sun’s plan to mend Brocken Britain by grassing up celebrities to the UK‘s Celebrity Police Force is floundering.

The grim news is that Paul Burrell will not be prosecuted for perjury despite confessing that he lied at Princess Diana’s inquest. And Burrell has every right to feel let down.

The Sun has a video of Burrell apparently admitting it all. And it handed the tape to the police in the approved manner. They viewed it, and thought that, all things considered, Burrell was not worth the effort.

That it should come to this for Burrell, now deemed less worthy of a date with the CPF than the woman who inherited Alma Colan’s hair. Pah! Even Peaches Geldof, Sir Bob’s brattish daughter, interests the police. But not Burrell.

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THE Princess Diana inquest cost us £13million, says the Star (12.5m echoes the Express) - or the price of twenty seven dresses, three winter getaways to the Mediterranean, two engagement rings and a new hair-do…

PRINCESS Diana is dead. That’s just one of the things the latest inquest into her death has established.

Now Mohammed Al Fayed speaks out. Again.

“Enough is enough,” he says.

It may even be too much for Paul Burrell, the Rock-like limpid the Mail says will face a police inquiry over allegations he committed perjury during the inquest.

The paper says: “If found guilty, he could face ten years in jail.”

But as Burrell would no doubt put it, what has the last decade without Diana been if not a life sentence?

IT’S 3873 AD (After Diana) and the papers carry news of the self-styled Princess of Hearts.

The Inquest into her death has closed. The ruling is that Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were unlawfully killed due to the “gross negligence” of driver Henri Paul and the paparazzi. Diana was killed because she did not use her seatbelt.

The snappers are pictured on the Times’ cover page. They and Paul are the “usual suspects”.

The Telegraph leads with “Let that be the end, say Princes”. Readers learn that William and Harry “hope unlawful killing verdict will bring to a close speculation over mother’s death”.

“Now let her rest in peace,” says the Scotsman on its cover.

So that’s it, then. Goodbye Diana. You came. Your shook hands. You were blonde. You went on holiday. You were a prototype David Beckham.

But the Metro newspaper, one of London’s top hundred free daily newspapers, wonders: “Diana: The final verdict. Or is it?” There is the “threat of a legal challenge”.

Is there? Even the Express leads with “DIANA WAS KILLED UNLAWFULLY”, accepting that she was not murdered by a combination of Prince Philip, Chicago neo-Nazis and a flash photography.

‘It Was Murder’  

A spokesman for Dodi Fayed’s father, Mohamed Al Fayed says: “We’re looking at all possibilities.” No, not that Dodi and Diana were killed by the Queen Mother and Mr Grassy Knoll. Well, not only that. Fayed in said to be investigating the possibility of pursuing a private prosecution against the paparazzi in the French courts.

The Times hears Mr Fayed’s statement: “The most important thing is that it’s murder.” The verdict was “unlawful killing”. But that’s not important. What is important is: “It has been a long fight to uncover the truth. I am not the only person who says they were murdered.”

Indeed not. There’s Keith Allen, father to one-hit wonder Lily Allen, who the Scotsman says has made a documentary about the inquest into the deaths of Diana and hopes it’s a hit at Cannes. He says: “To this day I absolutely believe that this wasn’t an accident. I just know.”

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SAYS Justice Scott Baker of Princess Diana’s “rock” Paul Burrell: “It was blindingly obvious, wasn’t it, that the evidence that he gave in this court was not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

“He had written books, one was into its second edition, and in a number of ways he had cashed in on his selfserved position as having been Diana’s rock. All in all, you may think Burrell’s behaviour has been pretty shabby.

“You may think that a thread running through his evidence was the impression that he thought he was giving and a consideration of the impact whatever he said might have on any of his future enterprises.

“I advise you to proceed with caution especially when and if you are left with the impression that he only told you what he wanted you to hear.”

The Mirror nots that the coroner is heard reminding the jury that the 49-year-old has been described as “quite a porous rock”, given the number of the princess’s secrets he has leaked.
Says the Sun: “Former flunky Paul Burrell was yesterday branded a shabby, bitter, money-grabbing liar by the Diana inquest coroner.”

“What now for Paul Burrell – a US tour with Heather Mills?” asks the Scotsman.

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NICOLAS Sarkozy is sharing the platform (heels) with Her Majesty, Prince Philip and Carla Bruni.

La Bruni is not with Phil but the Guardian’s front-page picture of her looking at the Queen’s consort, a smile playing across her lips, suggests she longs to be. While Philip smiles broadly, Carla’s eyes sparkle. Sarkozy is looking into the camera, a man unnerved.

The Telegraph’s snips Sarkozy away and features only Phil’s noble profile and Bruni’s gaze. “Britain is enchanted by Madame Sarkozy,” says the Express on its cover. And Madame Sarkozy is enchanted by a Briton.

On the Times’ cover, Bruni is with Her Majesty, who is talking and pointing something out. But Carla has only eyes for Liz, her head a whirl of what hold this woman has over Philip, and how it can be slackened.

As the paper’s headline says: “When the Queen met Madame le President”. It’s a Lloyd-George-knew-my-father moment.

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PAUL Burrell is the Rock, appearing in furniture shop in Memphis, Tennessee.

The Sun sees him. He sees the Sun: “This is what happens when you are attached to an icon. You get followed wherever you go and people take your picture. That’s why I’ve come to live in America — the greatest country in the world because that doesn’t happen in America.”

Britney Spears nods. The Paul Burrell revelations keep on coming.

Says Burrell: “I tell it as it is, I tell it straight — that’s who I am, I can’t change who I am. I tell it as it is and some people don’t like that but I am telling the truth, just the truth.”

If people don’t want to hear that the late Prince Margaret told him in confidence that he was the son she always wanted, and truly had, then so be it. If they don’t want to hear that the Queen Mother would blush at the mention of Omar Sharif and carry in her pocket a picture of Dodi Fayed, then that it is not his problem. And if he did look at Diana’s notebook and see that she had written his name ‘King Paul’ and encircled it in a crown, then the truth does out.

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IN “Burrell: I Won’t Come Back To Face The Music”, Express readers get a new insight into Paul Burrell latest tome.

In this work, Paul Burrell “faces a police investigation into allegations of perjury”.

And: “Now he could become the subject of a Scotland Yard investigation when the inquest ends next month.”

“WILL DIANA’S ROCK END UP IN THE DOCK?” asks the Mirror. In Burrell: My Dock Hell you will learn that Burrell “faces arrest the next time he sets foot in Britain after refusing to return to be questioned about whether he lied at her inquest”.

Did Diana really listen to Terry Wogan in the morning? Did Diana once hide in a chest freezer for seven full minutes? Did Diana cough twice on June 15 1995 in a signal that only Burrell knew the meaning of? Now read on…

“WANTED,” says the Sun’s front page headline. “PAUL BURRELL aka ‘THE BOTTLER’.”

“He could now be extradited to face perjury charges.”

Read Burrell: Dark Forces in all papers…

“DIANA WORE WIG TO MEET LOVER IN CLUB.”

Finally the truth is out.

The Star says Princess Diana wore a wig to meet her former lover Hasnat Khan in Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club, London. Had the wig not been topped by a discreet crown, Mr Hasnat might not have recognised her.

But we have seen Diana is disguise. And in our new book Diana: I Was Compo, Anorak explores how Diana played the part of lovable rogue Compo in TV’s Last Of The Summer Wine for three seasons…

Princess Diana 

IT’S 3839 AD (After Diana) and there is news of the princess’s love life, as ever there was and will be.

“Diana dumped me for Dodi, says Hasnet,” says the Express on its front page.

For purposes of recognition, Diana wears a black dress and pearl-drop earrings. At first look, she appears alive, waiting for the photographer to reload his film and give her a break from being the country’s celebrity princess. But no break comes.

(Anorak readers can read Diana: The Cover Girl Years, a book in which a selection of the only people never to have met Diana comment on her hairstyles over the past ten years.)

Today’s Diana news also features on the Mail’s foremost page, where Diana is dressed in a white shroud-like robe. To her side is Dr Hasnat Khan, the man she dumped because she was “dazzled by the Fayed family fortune”.

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SAYS the News of the World: “’Diana’s rock’ Paul Burrell trawls saunas for gay sex.”

Paul Burrell is “treacherous”. Paul Burrell is “sordid”. Paul Burrell is “slimy”. And in words that could come from the mouth of Mohamed al Fayed, Paul Burrell is “a secret predatory QUEEN”.

Says “a close pal”: “I saw him pick up countless men using his royal chat to lure them to bed.”

The paper says Burrell “SEDUCED a male pal of stargazer Russell Grant”.

Says the source:

“Paul IS a greedy liar, a devious snake. He’s also ruthless and selfish. He’s always made out that he’s this happily-married family man when in reality he’s gay and only interested in sex with men. He told me he hadn’t slept with Maria for years. He’s constantly on the lookout for gay pick-ups all over the world. And he shamelessly uses his back catalogue of Diana stories to hook his targets.”

Most sensational of all, Paul Burrell “was a ticking gay timebomb at home and at work”. One wrong move and - kaboom! - Burrell would blow. In Burrell: The Bomb, learn how this was the triger for Diana’s anti-landmine campaign.

Of one encounter we are told: “Paul went to the hotel gym and announced he was going ‘cruising’ in the sauna. He emerged about half an hour later with a really bloodshot eye—the result of a slip-up while giving a man oral sex. He just told Maria that he’d accidentally been poked in the eye!”

These are all just allegations, no more. Mr Burrell’s reaction to them is not recorded. And we may only know the truth when Burrell releases his book Burrell: Diana The Gay Icon.

The book will detail how it was Burrell’s duty to tell us how he and Diana would dress up as Liza Minnelli and Master of Ceremonies Joel Gray and sing Cabaret before a room full of Corgis dressed as Nazis, including one very tall dog called Philip…

PAUL Burrell is in the newspapers.

“Burrell is recalled by judge,” says the Sun’s front page.

“NOW TELL THE TRUTH, BURRELL,” commands the Express on its cover.

The Diana inquest coroner, Lord Justice Scott Baker, has written to Burrell’s solicitor, asking him to return to London from Florida to explain himself and tell the truth.

The Express says that if found guilty of perjury could face up to 10 years in jail. “If” and “could” in the same line. Finally the Diana inquest is making progress.

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KILLED by SPECTRE under orders from Cock Robin and the man with The Grassy Knoll, we can reveal that Princess Diana was not murdered by MI6.

This was an idea touched upon in the book Paul Burrell: What Roger Moore Told Me. And now the Sun hears it confirmed by former “master spy” Sir Richard Dearlove.

The Sun listens in as Sir Richard addresses the Princess Diana inquiry.

Brace yourselves for a “fascinating insight into the working of the intelligence service”.

Come closer. Closer. Know that Sir Richard’s code name was “C” for…“Chief”. The Times leads with news that ten MI6 members have bene requested to appear at the inquest, the list thought to feature Chief Secretary Intelligence (CSI), District Organisational Zone Yemen head (DOZY) and Tim.

The paper says C was director of operations command of the “James Bond organisation” when Diana died. The James Bond thing is a myth.

C says there was no plot to kill Diana (D), listen to Diana nor become romantically entwined with Diana an an ocean liner (P&O), a plane (BA) or on a moving train (RMT)…

FOLLOWING Al Fayed’s “He Duns It” show at the High Court, it is the turn of Dodi Fayed’s “US assistant” Melissa Henning to take the stand.

(Yes, yes, we’ll get to you in a minute. Patience. Everyone will get their say.)

Via the Mirror, Di-ana-rakians hear Ms Hennigns say how Dodi Fayed “‘deeply believed a Royal Family plot to kill her was possibility.”

Believe, Possible. Maybe…

MOHAMED al Fayed is on the cover of the nation’s newspapers. Mohamed al Fayed has been speaking about all things Princess Diana and Dodi. Mohammed al Fayed, he says lots.

For reasons unexplained, Mr Fayed has chosen the moment of his greatest attraction to dispense with his usual outfit of skin-tight double-breasted suit and vomit-’n'-cuff shirts, those stripy shirts with white collar and cuffs he has made his own. Fayed appears in a dark blue suit with large check pattern, and a similarly designed shirt over a blue turtleneck top.

In all papers, Mr Fayed is pictured raising his hand to the air like Topol’s impish wife asking him off the bloody roof get, or else looking like a very small man pleading with the much taller sweetshop owner to help him reach the top shelf.

The news:

DOILY MIRROR (front page): “HORRIBILIS”

“Charles wanted Di dead to wed Camilla,” and baked in a pie with all the poor blackbirds, innit, like Robert Kilroy-Silk, Elvis, Anthea Turner and Lee Harvey Oswald?

“Philip’s a Nazi..go back to Germany!” – He like Ken Hitler to that fuggign Klaus Barbie woman. That Osama bin Laden and Philip have never been seen in same room at same time. Shock. Is truth!

DOILY MAIL: “Al Fayed tells inquest Prince Philip’s a racist Nazi called Frankenstein, Camilla is a crocodile and royals are a ‘Dracula family’.” Still he insists.. I’M NOT MAD”.

THE SUN: “IS HE OFF HIS FAYED?”

THE STAR: “VAMPIRE ROYALS KILLED DI”

DOILY ESPRESS: “’Prince Philip and Blair ordered murder. And the Queen, he adds, bought off Burrell”

It’s all just so fanciful that , given how implausible life can be – see the tabloids every day – there remains the chance that Mr Fayed is hitting upon some kind of truth.

If you can spot it – and if the agents from SPECTRE don’t get you first – let us know what the truth is…