SARAH Ferguson is living with people in Hull on the telly. She even managed to find a family of copper tops to make her paper more at home, but it just ends up looking like a patronising version of the Prince and the Pauper.

Every morning Sarah says she wakes up feeling fat, ugly and disgusting, as opposed to disgusting, fat and ugly, like those lucky sods in Hull who are too ignorant to notice let alone mind.

But Sarah will show them how repugnant they truly are. She’s the missionary teaching the godless to feel shame for their bad eating habits and for looking bad naked.

Now Jamie Oliver tells one and all: “I am now living lives with people in Rotherham who don’t have cooking in their lives. I want them to fall in love with cooking.”

Oliver wants the sad and stupid to see how wrong they are, to feel shame and experience the sweet sting of epiphany over some sun dried polenta stir fry.

And then there’s Richard and Judy contemplating a week-long visit to Dewsbury Moor.

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MORE caring mums in the Mirror where Sarah Ferguson is telling the world that her daughter Beatrice is not fat.

“Beatrice is a healthy size 10, she’s a fabulous girl, she has a completely good heart,” says Fergie, Duchess of York, her words borrowed from Elizabeth of York, mother to larger than life Henry VIII.

And the similarities between the two York women do not end there.

Says Fergie: “She has suffered with special needs at school from the age of seven with dyslexia. So much so that she has combated it in order to get a grade A* in history to go and read history at Goldsmiths.”

Ginger Henry’s own dyslexia got him in no end of strife, seeing two wives beheaded, when Henry had only meant for them to be “beheaped” with praise, forsooth.

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SARAH Ferguson has been “slumming it” in a £40-a-night bed-and-breakfast.

“What’s this?” you say. We knew Her Majesty is a good landlady and requires little by way of market-based rent from her lodgers but only breakfast? Surely, Liz can stretch to a light sponge and a jar of tea?

It turns out that Ferguson has taken part in a project to see how the other half live, walking about some of the county’s deprived estates and shopping with “low-income mothers” in Hull.

One may expert that Fergie took along her daughters in a bid to show them that life is not all taffeta and horses, but with EastEnders and Ski Sunday on the telly, they probably know that already. So she didn’t.

Although they can check out life below the concrete stairwell because Fergie went equipped with an ITV camera crew.

Fergie In Action 

Says Fergie: “This show is from the heart and is a progression from my 11 years with Weight Watchers.”

You see, the underclass are fat, and not in good way, but full of jelly roll, murder burgers and addictives.

Fergie is conducting a social experiment. She has got “footie fit”, able to run the length of football pitch without being out of breath. And not on a horse, but actually running, in hells, skirts hitched up and everything.

It is all not unlike the 1980s programme World in Action” - For the Benefit of Mr. Parris.

Back in Thatcher’s Britain, then Tory MP Matthew Parris tried living for a week in Newcastle upon Tyne on the £26.80 which was at the time a single unemployed man’s supplementary benefit.

He failed miserably. But as Parris writes in his newspaper column: “A couple of months later I was famous, and I never really looked back, quitting politics the following year for television and journalism. That programme made me.”

His is a success story, and one Fergie is keen to repeat. Chuck in some science on junk food, a look at property hot spots to go with the football and the realism, and Fergie could be the ubiquitous face of TV for years to come…

“THE Duchess of York nearly burnt her house down yesterday after leaving a scented candle alight in a toilet.”

So reports the Sun in story that could only be more blessed with Anorak’s pet irritants had Fergie been distracted from her housework by the sight of Noel Edmonds’ conversations with God on Deal Or No Deal.

It is a little known truth that the fires of hell are infused with the scent of roses, David Beckham Instinct and lavender. This is something even the good folks at the Westboro Baptist Church believe to awful to reveal to sinners. (Their Heath Ledger tribute can be read here.)

Hell may also feature Fergie dressed in a Laura Ashley-print Leotard inviting you to measure her waist and then guess her weight, for eternity…

YOU wait ages for a bus story and then three come along at once. See here and here. This is tale of the Goth who walks his girlfriend on a leash.

And when he’s not taking her for a walkies, Dani Graves is taking Tasha Maltby on the bus. Readers may expect to see a picture of Miss Maltby with her head pushed out an open window, her tongue lolled out as the bus hurtles along.

But Tasha, 19, and her fiance, Dani, 25, have not been allowed to get on the bus in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire. They claim the driver told them: “We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on.”

Paul Adcock, operations director of Arriva Yorkshire, responds: “Arriva takes any allegation of discrimination very seriously and have interviewed the driver regarding Mr Graves’ claims.

“Our primary concern is passenger safety and while the couple are very welcome to travel on our buses, we are asking that Miss Maltby remove her dog lead before boarding the bus.

“It could be dangerous for the couple and other passengers if a driver had to brake sharply while Miss Maltby was wearing the lead. We are writing to Mr Graves to apologise for any distress caused by the way this matter was handled.”

No pun intended…

ANOTHER day and another outfit for Princess Beatrice.

Bea is dressed in a gown for an appearance in Martin Scorsese’s film based on the life of Bea’s great-great-great-great grandmother, Young Victoria.

In Hollywood, where nepotism makes a casting agent’s job that little bit easier and resumes come with the section “Famous Relatives”, Beatrice would fit right in. The Windsors are our Hollywood Family.

We know how she got the part; that much is clear. And to remove any doubt, Mail readers learn that the film’s executive producer is Sarah Ferguson, professional royal and Beatrice’s mother. The Express says the film was her idea.

What is less certain is why Bea’s role affords her no lines and reduces her stature to that of lady-in-waiting?

It will require not little ability for Beatrice to hide her innate royalty, and her teeth, as she plays second fiddle third from left to Emily Blunt’s Victoria.

But she’s getting on with job with little fuss. As the director tell us: “Beatrice was wonderful to direct – very patient during what can sometimes be a long and arduous process.”

Looks like all those chats with Uncle Charles are finally paying off…

PRINCESS Beatrice is on the cover of the Telegraph. She is in attendance at the finale of London Fashion Week.

Models are big news. And teenage Beatrice should take care to eat and stay away from predatory older men.

Luckily, Beatrice is not alone, but chaperoned to the event by her mother, the Duchess of York.

As the pictures show, Fergie did not want to upstage her daughter nor embarrass her in any way and adopted the part of Beatrice’s invisible shadow.

Stood on the runway, Beatrice appears as a blip on London’s “style radar” clad in a long black dress with shoulder straps.

To her left might be a mirror, as Fergie (identified by the Telegraph’s keen spotter) stands equally attired.

For purposes of subterfuge, Fergie goes as far as adopting her daughter’s hair style and necklace.

The do goes well. Beatrice loses no weight and does not develop a cocaine habit.

It is a success. And the charity aided by Beatrice’s appearance – Children In Crisis (!) – profits immeasurably.