David Haye’s Mouth Takes On Nikolai Valuev’s Hairy Back
DAVID Haye (right) is pictured face to stomach with WBA World Heaveywight Champion the Russian Nikolai Valuev with Don King (centre) during the weigh in for the WBA World Heavyweight Title bout at the Mercado, Nuremberg, Germany.
Great Britain’s David Haye faces the 7ft Russian Champion tomorrow night at the Nuremberg Arena in Germany.
The Facts & Figures:
Haye - 15st 8lb
Valuev - 22st 8lb
Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
For Sale: 5,000 Beijing Olympic Condoms
WANNA buy some Official Beijing Olympics 2008 condoms? Leftovers. One careful owner. Any takers? Each condom packet bears the legend “faster, higher, stronger”. (Faster. But not too fast.)
During the Games, the powers that be distributed 100,000 condoms to the thrusting athletes, embodiments of pumped up testosterone to a man, and, in many cases, to a woman.
Not all of the rubbers were used, possibly because many of the Chinese team were pre-pubescent and not everyone had to give a urine sample (a condom will hold two pints of tea-totaller’s wee when strapped to the leg.)
Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
GOOD times for those of you took the best on the 2-1 shot: Wayne Rooney would get a tattoo of young Kai Rooney on his neck.
The Sun says that “PROUD” Wayne “wants to celebrate by getting a new bit of artwork. He’s been designing what it will look like. At the moment he would like it on his lower back.”
Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
The Sir Bobby Robson Commemorative Medal Dot Com
THE silver proof Sir Bobby Robson commemorative medal, issued by the Royal Mint and is available for sale.
The obverse of the medal features a portrait of Sir Bobby Robson and the reverse features the clubs Sir Bobby managed or played for, adorned with football scarves.
The medals cost 9.99 and the silver proof versions cost 39.99, and the Royal Mint will be donating a portion of the proceeds from sales of the medal to the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation, which raises money for the early detection and treatment of cancer.
On Saturday the medal will be rebranded as the FunWithCheese.co.uk coin; Sunday the BonnieLassieLapDanceClub.com and then the MallOfTheEmirates.tv coin, in accordance with Newcastle FC policy.
8000365
Posted: 6th, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Kai Wayne Rooney, Birth Of A Brand
AND lo it came to pass that professional ordinary girl Coleen Rooney, wife of England footballer Wayne Rooney, has given birth to Kai Wayne, a boy child.
Kai is named in honour of his mum’s love of throat singing, as practiced by the people of Tuva, in southern Siberia, it’s easy to spell and Kay-Wayne makes him sound like a west cosst rapper.
A spokesman tells us:
“Mother and baby are both absolutely fine. Wayne and Coleen are thrilled with the wonderful addition to their family life.”
And the bookmakers get to laying odds:
Posted: 2nd, November 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (8) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Hanging All Footballers For Marlon King’s Crimes, With Carole Malone’s Old Rope
FOOTBALLER Marlon King’s victim – he punched her in the face – wants to show you her face and tell you what a bastard he is. And he is. But Carole Malone wants more. She wants to attack all footballers and football fans.
But you don’t need to look at the picturesm, which are front-page news in the NoTW. You can listen to Emily Carr tell all about the attack.
As King, 29, began an 18-month jail sentence for groping 20-year-old student Emily Carr and punching her in the face, she told for the first time how the £35,000-a-week striker taunted and floored her in the vicious nightclub attack.
It’s a story told in adjectives: “Student Emily”; “vicious nightclub attack”; “horrifying injuries”; “devastated victim”; “horrific moment”…
Our shock pictures reveal the awful aftermath of the beating that left Emily spattered head to toe in blood, her teeth forced through her lip and her nose badly broken - disfigured for life.
Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Police Arrest West Ham Firm For Pretending To Be Hooligans
Police appeal for information leading to the arrest of six notorious West Ham actors.
THE media loves football violence, just loves it. Scotland Yard loves it as well. Without the threat of football violence, policemen would never get to exercise their equal opportunities credentials by being rude and threatening to red and blues, red and whites, yellows and some other non-blacks. It also gives the police the chance to test out new baton techniques and gases, and walk on the hallowed turf.
So much do the police love football violence that they have issued 66 pictures of West Ham fans caught in acts of organised violence back in August as the Hammers played Millwall.
You may recognise six of the hooligans as being actors in the TV film The Firm. This is method acting at the edges of legality.
Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Andre Agassi Wore A Wig On Court
NEWS that Andre Agassi wore a wig in the 1990 final of the French Open, when he lost in a straight set and rinse to Gomez from Ecuador.
Agassi’s wig was a superb mix of Kajoogoo cast offs mated with Frank McAvennie top knot. While not in the Phil Spector league of hair pieces - more King Charles spaniel than King Charles - Agassi’s wig made a very careful and polite nod to majesty.
And for Agassi, these were testing times:
“Then a fiasco happened. The evening before the match I stood under the shower and felt my wig suddenly fall apart. Probably I used the wrong hair rinse. I panicked and called my brother Philly into the room.
“’It’s a total disaster!” I said to him. He looked at it and said he could clamp it with hair clips. It took 20 clips. ‘Do you think it will hold?’ I asked. ‘Just don’t move so much,’ he said.
“Of course I could have played without my hairpiece, but what would all the journalists have written if they knew that all the time I was really wearing a wig?
“During the warming-up training before play I prayed. Not for victory, but that my hairpiece would not fall off. With each leap, I imagine it falling into the sand. I imagine millions of spectators move closer to their TV sets, their eyes widening and, in dozens of dialects and languages, ask how Andre Agassi’s hair has fallen from his head.”
Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Burnley Football Hooligan Escapes Jail Because He Loves His Dog
IS that you in the “DEE 38” top biting off part of a fan’s ear at the Champions League final in Rome?
Football hooliganism was once the media’s favourite topic. One of your writer’s first jobs in sports journalism was to compile a “Year Of Shame” list. It turned out that the archives had one for each year and all that was needed was to look for any game in the past 12 months featuring two of Leeds, Chelsea or Millwall to keep it up to date.
The media loves talking of and talking up crowd trouble. You do get lunatics like “Dee 38” and one Michael Lewis, who breached his Football Banning Order for the third time when he went to a match at Blackpool.
Lewis’s case show that banning orders can work. But are they effective?
Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
England Refuse To Play ‘Swine Flu’ Mexico At World Cup
SCARE story of the day comes via the Sun, wherein readers are told that footballers are spreading swine flu:
PREMIER LEAGUE stars were last night ordered to stop spitting amid fears of spreading swine flu. The Health Protection Agency have stepped in, trying to stop the infection being passed on. Three Blackburn players have had the virus including Chris Samba and David Dunn, while four unnamed Bolton stars are sick.
No spitting on order of the HPA, whose spokesman clears his throat:
“Spitting is disgusting at all times. It’s unhygienic and unhealthy, particularly if you spit close to other people. Footballers wouldn’t spit indoors - so they shouldn’t do it on the pitch.”
Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
In Pictures: Liverpool 2 -0 Manchester United, Premier League
IN Photos: Liverpool 2 - 0 Manchester United.
LIVERPOOL’S season looks set to continue up until Christmas, at least as they beat Manchester United 2-0.
Having booed and hissed the club’s owners, George Gillett Jr and Tom Hicks, prior to kick-off, Liverpool hit Manchester United with desire. And beach balls. Not since the heady days of the inflatable Godzilla – and Rafa Benitez’s Waiters’ XI (Majorca ’82) - have we seen the likes.
Fernando Torres and David Ngog scored the goals; and Nemanja Vidic and Javier Mascherano provided the red cards. Says Rafael Benitez:
“For me that the team is better than people think, and it shows the character and quality that we have. I was not really angry [about the speculation surrounding his future], I was just trying to be focused on my job. The only way to change things in football is to win games.”
Says Alex Ferguson:
“The referee blew a full 4.25 seconds early and that is unacceptable. It’s a ******** disgrace.”
Well, not really. Really…
Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Mr Cheryl Cole: Ashley Cole Explains His XXXX XXX Factor
ASHLEY COLE is hard to like for any number of reasons. In a bid to find a new one, the NoTW interviews Mr Cheryl Cole in “THE FALL AND RISE”.
Cole has been here before, trying to be unloved in print. In his book My Defence – is there any evidence Cole read it, let alone wrote it? – the former Arsenal player described the build up to his transfer to Chelsea
My heart and soul was tied to Arsenal with a fisherman’s knot. I don’t think even Houdini could have unravelled it. Not for one minute did I see myself leaving…That was before something precious was smashed into tiny pieces.
Can you smash a knot? You can. Because in his book, Cole was the unluckiest man in the world.
“A brief meeting with Pini Zahavi was interrupted by a knock on the door. In walked the Chelsea manager and chief executive, there was general chit-chat and then we left.”
But that might have been the best bit. Having talked weather, crockery and plate tectonics with Jose Mourinho, the then Chelsea manager, Cole delivered the delightfully struck own goal (cut this out and print it on a T-shirt):
“One telephone call changed everything about how I viewed and felt about Arsenal. ‘Ash! Are you listening? I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?’ I nearly swerved off the road. ‘He is taking the piss, Jonathan!’ I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed, I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard’.”
No ready to meet Ashley Cole again in print, we read on:
The first thing you notice is the smile. Full wattage, main beam, constant. Then there’s the tone of voice. Quiet, philosophical, accepting. No snarl, no swagger, no excuses. Just complete honesty in an attempt to state his case, not change anybody’s perceptions of him.
Do you want more? Neil Ashton seems to be auditioning for the job as ghost writer on Cole’s next tome:
The world’s finest full-back content to let people make their own judgements of him without any hint of rancour.
Very big of him.
There are ground rules. No questions about Cheryl - “the missus” - and no air-brushing.
Cheryl mentioned. Cheryl unmentioned.
If, after this interview, Cole is still demonised, so be it.
Demonised? It’s wasn’t Ashley Cole’s fault he looks like a vomitous greedy so-and-so, it was ours.
“I will be retired in five or six years and then the people who hate me can move on to someone else.”
Do they have to move on?
“Getting arrested last March was my lowest point. It was like a domino effect, with one thing after another. When I was in the police cell for five hours I could see the headlines and it was like I was the devil man.”
Sympathy for the Devil, if you please:
He was arrested by police when he emerged from The Collection nightclub in Kensington, handcuffed after swearing at preying paparazzi. Then he was plastered all over newspapers for all the wrong reasons.
Read about that here.
He was fined £80 for a public order offence after his brush with the law. “I swore at the paparazzi, but the policewoman took offence,” he adds.
And then – and remember this is the Ashley Cole who compared himself to being a “slave”:
At times he still feels like a prisoner, trapped in his own home because a night out is just one misplaced word away from trouble.
Ashley Cole is a virtual prisoner because if he goes out and behaves badly or illegally – there is talk he even cheated on his wife, twice - he gets in trouble.
He accepts his salary and the lifestyle that goes with being married to the nation’s favourite pop star has its downfalls.
Anyone else weeping? And then this:
“It’s my private life. I don’t actually want any publicity or go looking for it, I just want to play football and quietly get on with my life.”
So says Ashley Cole, who brought to the market his autobiography (serialised in the Times) and advertised the National Lottery and sold his wedding to OK! magazine.
And in case you feel that Ashley is still not a victim, he cocks an ear to the football fans:
“They take it too far, but it’s not just me. What they say about our wives, our mums our families is nasty. We have to put up with that. It affects me. I can hear them and I will think ‘How can they sing that?’
“There are times when I want to turn around and say ‘Do you actually understand what you’re saying?’ but if you do that you let them win. That’s why there is a perception that we are detached from the fans. We feel powerless.”
Powerless. Ashley Cole feels powerless. It’s not him. It’s the powers that be…
Posted: 25th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
In Pictures: Chelsea 5 - Blackburn Rovers 0, Premier League
ANOTHER trip to London for League of Gentlemen extra Sam Alladyce and his Blackburn Rovers and another sound tonking, this time at the hands of Chelsea.
Anorak has the best pictures from the match, which all you Chelsea Mowermen can pick your way through.
For Rovers, it’s back to the laptops and for same to decide if his earpiece would be better suited to the foray if it weren’t tuned to the shipping forecast…
Pictures:
Posted: 24th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jenson Button Introduces The Door Stretcher And The Austrian Mulleteer
IN our sports round-up we introduce the door strecher, manager Dragan Stojkovic’s goal from the half-way line, golfing for idiots, what gymnastics is a contact sport, mulleteer Toni Polster and the legend that would be Jenson Button…
Dragan Stojkovic from the half-way line:
Posted: 24th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
World Cup Countdown To Crapello: German Team Told To Wear Bullet-Proof Vests
WORLD Cup News now – Anorak’s Countdown To Crapello - as Germany’s footballer are told to wear bullet-proof vests in South Africa.
As Anorak reader Yampster notes:
We all know they started it…but isn’t this holding a grudge for just a little too long?
Posted: 22nd, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Viana Esporte Club Score 9 Goals In 9 Minutes To Win Brazil’s League Title On Goal Difference: Video
VIANA Esporte Clube are playing Chapadinha in Brazil on the last day of the season.
Viana need to win to be crowned league champions of the Maranhão State League championship and secure promotion. If they only secure the goal difference.
With just ten minutes to go Viana are winning 2-0.
Elsewhere, rivals Moto Club are on their way to a 5-1 win. Viana need to win by 11 goes to take the top spot.
Posted: 20th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Rule Buttannia Jen Button: Now For The M25
RULE Buttannia! Jenson Button wins. Now for the big one. Now for the M25. You want to drive about in circles? We British invented driving about in circles…
Posted: 18th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
David Beckham Wins A NoBo (Nobel Obama)
TO honour David Beckham being named man of the match by ITV panellist Steve Bruce - Becks palyed for 30 minutes and was outshone by two goals from Peter Crouch - he gets an Anorak NoBo.
A NoBo is an award for some one who talked a good game and dreamed of doing good things.
As England coach Fabio Capello says:
“It was like Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize after eight months as president. He gets the man of the match after 30 minutes here.”
Posted: 15th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Australian Cricketers Define Overcompensation
OVERCOMPENSATION defined - Australia celebrate winning the ICC Champions Final at the Centurion Stadium, Centurion, South Africa. Look at all that shiny gold, those gold trousers, that golden hair and that big important cup. Wow!
And then look at England’s dull little urn of Ashes… Well done, Oz. Well done.
Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Cornelius Lysagh, Roberto Martinez, Fucking Stanley Clarke And A BBC Fail
ANORAK presents BBC Radio 5 sports reporter Cornelius Lysagh’s interview with Wigan Athletic manager Roberto Martinez, and Stanley Clarke.
NSFW:
Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Sports | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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