Big Brother Race Row: Ulrika Jonsson Is Face Of Panty Liners
Day 7
The Play
Terry to Ben: “You shouldn’t find this humiliating if you were in A1.”
LUCY Pinder’s pal Michelle Marsh, says of the Big Brother agonist:
“Everybody thinks that because she is a model she walks around in a bikini at home –she doesn’t.”
Oh?
She of course walks about in knickers and heels, cupping her breasts with her hands in case anyone should see her nipples (see below), which can be tricky when it comes to housework and making tea.
But Lucy gets by.
And those nipples:
“Well, when I started off, I still thought I’d be going off to uni. I didn’t like the idea of other under-graduates being familiar with my nipples, so I didn’t show them. Then, it became a sort of trademark – Lucy doesn’t do nipples.
“Then it turned into a total pain to keep them covered up at shoots. I got paranoid in case one popped out. Finally, I decided to yank them out. I’m glad to say the response was quite favourable.”
As Lucy’s late father Harold Pinder might say:
“F*** off!”
KENNY Baker, aka R2-D2 in the Star Wars movies, says he is watching Big Brother in the hope that Verne Troyer wins.
Says Baker:
“Some people do not understand dwarfism or treat it like a circus act.”
Dwarfs are not there for our entertainment, says Baker, who worked as a stand-up comic before donning his tin can of destiny. He has also worked as an Elf (Sleeping Beauty), one of the Goblin Cops (Labrinth), a dwarf (Timebandits), a dwarf (Phantom of the Circus) and as the male lead in the follow up to Ocean’s 13.
Says Baker (3ft 8in):
“I feel a bit sorry for Verne because he is so small.”
Anorak had supposed that in the world of jobbing dwarfs, smaller was best. Troyer has achieved fame with his won face, whereas the taller Baker (33% more actor)’s catchphrase “Rrrrrrrrrrrdidipp” is one used by any number of small prrsons, including many children.
Anorak is not sizeist and thinks Troyer is a decent-sized talent in a house of midgets…
Day 6
Michelle is crying. But she won’t run.
She can’t . The skin dye has set to hard. She may streak, though…
“BEN!”
Tommy is firm believer that anything worth saying is worth saying loudly. In deed, the louder you say it, the more factually true it is.
BEN has been saved from eviction this Friday night for dint of being a man and so less of a threat to the house’s women, and because he is less memorable than Coolio’s latest Coolio story.
Each housemate had to stand up to say who they would least like to go. All did so - well, apart from Verne who remained seated. So much for equal opportunities. If Ulrika can stand up – what with her bad back – then Verne can.
Perhaps Big Brother’s voice should be supplied by Tommy. It anyone can “STAND!” it…
Day 5
COOLIO has been shot at ten times. Anorak is not given to violence, but chances are Tina will make it 11. Unlike Tina, we can press the mute button whenever Coolio is about to speak about his special subject: Coolio.
Coolio is not his real name, of course. That’s Daddio, but he thought it made him look like a square to he changed it.
And he’s been issue with language warning. No Spanglish. And no use ot “nigger”, a word that now appears only in asterisks in the same papers that feature Hamas leaders calling for Jewish children to be massacred and Palestinians not knowing which way to run.
<!–[endif]–>Lucy Pinder Lesbian Shockers
LUCY Pinder is up for eviction from Celebrity Big Brother, and the Star is appalled and outraged:
“Celebrity Big Brother was in crisis last night after its two biggest audience-grabbers were put up for eviction.”
And so too is Ulrika Jonsson. The star sets them up and we hammer them in.
Elsewhere, Michelle Heaton told Tina she looked like Princess Fiona from Shrek. Fiona is green. Heaton is orange. The advantage is with Tina who can locate Heaton in the dark and deliver the full weight of her opinion.
Heaton looks like a crier. She is bound to sob her innocent and then affect a hissy fit. But will she run. Well, if her Ronseal coating hasn’t set, very possibly, yes…
Day 4
COOLIO Is…Grandpa Simpson…
The Play
Terry: “I never even stole a record from a radio station”
Tommy: “Death stares down on every man, what you’ve got to do is stare right back”
Tina: “I’m hormonal, OCD, bi-polar, I’ve got it all”
Ulrika: “It’s a piece of world inside the real world”
Coolio: “I don’t like many women from LA, I just don’t like their attitude”
Terry: “Richard Boone always played the bad guy in Westerns”
Tina: “I don’t think we were entertaining either”
Verne: “I did a hairy monk on her boat race down her Gregory”
Coolio on Tommy: “He ranted off like he had practised it”
Terry: “I never watch myself on TV. You know why? You get that fucking self-loathing. I would worry”
News
<!–[endif]–>
IN Big Brother Bitch Fight, the Star brings news that Lucy Pinder is “too sexy for the show’s other babes”.
Who the other babes are remains to be discovered, but the Star does have a picture of walking satsuma Michelle Heaton in a bra and another of Ulrika Jonsson giving someone the finger, literally.
The better news is that Heaton has caught the eye of Verne Troyer, who has revealed, “I’d like to get to know Michelle a lot more.”
Heaton remain open to offers, as does LaToya Jackson, who, as the Mirror says, has forbidden cameras from filming her without make-up in the morning.
LaToya’s face is kept in a small cage by her bed. Her actual face is the size of a broad bean and must be bolstered with layer upon layer of wood glue before her public face can be successfully attached.
Day 3
GAIL Sheridan: “He’ll be staring at a wall - he does that - and in camera shot will be a view of Lucy Pinder’s breasts.”
The Daily Play
LaToya Jackson: “We all emanate from the same energy”
Coolio: “This is one of my favourite suits of all time, it’s a three piece”
Night falls…
Coolio: “Coolio, Coolio, Coolio, Coolio, Coolio, Coolio, Coolio”
Coolias, Coolia, Cooliamas, Coolatis, Coolant… Eat yer heart out, Phil Collins.
Michelle Heaton: “Fucking hell, that gave me a fucking heart attack”
LaToya (to Verne, on Tommy): “What was his name?”
Ben Adams: “I think you’ve got to try everything once, I was in this strip bar and all these naked girls were massaging my hands.”
Lucy: “I’m gutted that I will miss the Manchester United game. It’s typical that I should not be able to watch, but I will be thinking about the boys when I’m in the Celebrity Big Brother house and I wish them all good luck!”
Coolio: “When this is over with, I’m going to get you out of the house and get you wild and drunk so you take your top off.”
You get a yellow card for that…
“At around 9.20am today, Coolio recounted a vivid dream he experienced overnight in which he had been involved in a fight.”
I have a dream of a gangsta’s paradise…
“Coolio used the N-word in his descriptive retelling to Ben. Coolio described how his imaginary adversary called Coolio ‘Oh n****r’. This was again immediately flagged to senior production staff at Endemol and C4.”
I dream of n*****s.
“After reviewing the footage, where Ben clearly took no offense from the use of the word, no other housemates heard the word, the footage was not broadcast to cause offence to viewers and the context that Coolio used the word, no further action was taken.”
Time for Emily Parr to kickstart her celebrity career…
Day 2
“LUCY’S BIG BROTHER HELL” screams the Star on Sunday’s front-page headline.
“Stress is shrinking my boobs.”
Yikes! Anorak’s School of Bust Sciences (SOBS) hears Lucy’s lament and works out that the topless tunna has just 5 days to discover a talent beyond her breasts before they are too small to notice and people are mistaking her for a member of Steps.
What’s more, pineapple-haired rapper Coolio is breaking wind and Lucy has been:
“…overshadowed by older celebs Ulrika Jonsson, 41, and Tina Malone, 45 – who might plot to gain air-time by faking a saucy lesbian romp.”
Lucy needs to act fast. And – lo! – her breasts have grown. Or at least one of them has.
Incidentally, has anyone seen Verne?
Day 1
Scene: A house in Elstree
Tina Malone and LaToya Jackson are talking.
Tina says she “has very strong political feelings”
Ulrika Jonsson: “Ho-hum”
Tommy Sheridan: “That’s a great reason for everyone to bath together”
LaToya says of Tommy to Ulrika: “Do you understand him?”
Coolio: “Some of those girls in clubs are hot! They look tight”
Lucy Pinder: “I’m quite sad I like to wash up”
Coolio: “If your breasts get cold or anything…”
Tina: “I’m going to get my Vaseline - wahey!”
Terry Christian: “I can’t see a bleeding thing. I can see a crack under the door.”
Tina: “I do an incredible roast,”
Ulrika: “A brazil nut a day makes you grumpy.”
Verne Troyer appears. Ulriak says she understands hat it is to be 2ft-tall man with ideas because she and her time-share body have been suffering from a bad back.
Ends…
Posted: 24th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, Photojournalism Comments (63) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink
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February 2nd, 2009 at 5:09 am
I didn’t know bb was still being done and people still watch it…and care? Amaz-ing.
January 27th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
If the Tomoyah’s trial is as fixed as celeb B.B……then there will be only one winner…..
ULREE>>KA>>KA….the queen of reality T.V.
January 27th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Tomoyah Sheridan and Princess Shrek (Gail Sheridan) may stand trial on perjury charges.
The charges relate to evidence given during Mr Sheridan’s defamation victory against the News of the World in 2006.
The newspaper had published sex and drugs claims against Tomoyah.
The investigation was launched after a judge said conflicting evidence in the defamation trial may have meant some people were perjuring themselves.
Preliminary hearing fixed for 26 February 2009 at the High Court in Edinburgh and a trial will then be fixed for later on in the year.
January 27th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
The Star kicked off a white backlash, it’s the only real explanation. Karen! I hate bbbm’s Jack, is he a “child drama school comedian”? He can certainly read an auto-cue and his bottle crashed at the Tomoyah/Latoya show. No mention of sex clubs or perjury case = chicken sh!t.
For example: Tommy I knew that you’d get on with Verne coz I heard your wife likes miniatures! Boom, Boom!!
January 26th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I think Verne snogging the doll fixed his chances before that. I probably would have turned it off had I been watching, which I wasn’t
January 26th, 2009 at 8:32 am
omg i loved cbb this year it was sooooooooooooooo class
January 25th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
It was Coolio who was racist asking Ulrika if she had slept with a black man and if she had a black baby…. imagine if anyone had dared ask Coolio if he had a white baby?
I’m not a fan of Ulrika’s by any means but, apart from Ben, she was the best of a really nasty lot. and certainly not racist!
The three Americans all blew their chances when they went ‘all american’ in the diary room together and LaToyah/Michael complained about the Brits not stepping away from the screen during the inauguration of B.O. to let the Amercians have front row. that was so funny……. one could almost see the votes slippng away!
Not that I was watching of course!!
January 25th, 2009 at 5:14 am
annie1
Not sure if she offspring. Ulrika 4×4 Jonson?
And she wasn’t remotely racist. Coolio set out to annoy people and LaToya didn’t like Ulrika because Ulrika looked angry all the time (which she was).
January 25th, 2009 at 12:41 am
What a lot of tosh!! Ulrika ? well in my opinion she didn’t even make a good job of weather forcasting. When will these self titled “celebs” realise that they have had their day - time to admit that its over!!!!! Has been? or never really was ?. I am not sure if the Swede has any offspring - but I would think that if she has they will be hiding under a pillow at this moment - hoping that this whole sorry saga will go away.
January 24th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
as for the whole racial thing, yea coolio ws spot on stating the obvious but we just choose to not notice it (for some reeaaason) like every other big brother show
January 24th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
the results were definately a typical fix n i bet the votes gt messed wit cos if netin ulrika ws spose to go first n she ws last? letoya ws probably meant to be the winner as she went first from the last 5..has it ever made u wonder whether it was deliberately switched round because we all predicted wt the results were gna be
January 24th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I firmly believe…and so does Ulrealka ka…although this is.nt confirmed…that she is such a big celebrity and so well loved by all…that she should now be given her own show by Endemol…..instead of celebrity big brother…
UnREALKA…KA BIG BROTHER….the well loved, once weather girl, and now Celeb B.B. winner plays the part of presenter …and all the contestants in the house too.
It will make wonderful reality T.V. and we would’nt need to watch to see who the winner is.
January 24th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
…and so so reality t.v…..after all is Ulrika..ka not the prototype and role model for the darker version of herself..the Diva .. .that is Davina ….
January 24th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
…but predictable
January 24th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Sad.
January 24th, 2009 at 10:23 am
I told you Ulrika ka is all realka ka…she is the perfectly appropriate, celubrious and may I say…most gorgeous..winner of celebrity B.B…….reality on T.V.
…
January 24th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I watch it all the time - thank God I’m a great multi-tasker.
BBBM was genius. I love Jack!
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:53 pm
John Leslie to win!
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
I never watch it personally. Didn’t they all go to bed early for a last night? Apparently. So I am told
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
I like Terry and didn’t expect to! He can laugh at himself which is unusual among that self-obsessed lot!
La Toyah IS Michael. No question. Two faced. Ha ha ha.
Tommy is as I expected, a pontificator who laughs loudly in the wrong places showing a reall lack of humour, but Ben for me is the dark horse, quite cute in a boyish way. (I have shoes older than him)
I have little time for Ulrika after the John Leslie thing but I do think Coolio went beyond the line with her and also with Michele. Coolio for the firing squad!
Verne is weird but then I guess he has had many bridges to cross to get where he is so I forgive him. (loved the diary room ramraid)
Not that I’ve been watching it of course.. load of old rubbish, I mean, who watches that stuff?
January 20th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Blackbob
I agree with your assessments.
We’re stuck with Tommy though - no one ever moves to Cuba.
January 19th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
The real revelation for me has been Terry, I thought I’d hate the manky gobshite, but I don’t. Even ‘though he’s got a face like a well slapped arse, he seems like a decent/down to earth bloke. He can also teach Tomoyah Sheridan how to pronounce Jalepeno. As for the dwarf guy - he’s wee and that’s it (apart from his creepiness).
Coolio is Coolio, only much dumber. Ms Jackson makes up for her lack of nose and charisma by being a scheming cow. Michelle looks like the lion from the Wizard of Oz and has the brain of a scarecrow, and if she has a heart it’ll be totally devoted to herself. Ben’s alright actually. Eureeka is a blonde version of the black widow spider.
But Tomoyah sheridan is a hypocritical cnut who, hopefully, will piss off to Cuba.
January 19th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Ooh, it’s like being on Digital Spy (but better, obviously
).
January 19th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Blackbob
I thought you didn’t like him over the sectarian song thingy (which wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t being sectarian - I’d know I’m a Catholic Rangers fan - I only just recently stopped hyperventilating when the issue gets mentioned…
).
But you’re entirely justified in slagging him off for his socialism/baldness/facial expressions/bellowing/excessive body hair/working out/tanning/vanity/villa in Cardonald etc. etc…
I’ve gone off him since he sneered at Ulrika tonight - she may be a moody cow, but she’s a moody cow with and 7 month old - and he’s being mean.
January 18th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Tomoyah Sheridan says “property is theft”, I take it then that he doesn’t own his own house, car etc,..I should lay off Tomoyah coz he’s a militant socialist doh! aye and Cuba’s a free country where you don’t get murdered for opposing the ruling red fascist clique!
January 18th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Does anyone else think that Tomoyah Sheridan has aged in the last few days? He’s even baldier than when he first went in and the facial expressions are more like Wallace (fae Wallace & Grommit) every day. As for his neddy numpty laugh, geezabrek!!
January 18th, 2009 at 1:57 am
I like Terry though.
Identities are weird things - if you think about them (and he’s smart) you can’t help but get screwed up.
January 18th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Mods
It was all in the live streaming!!!
January 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Blackbob
It was about nearly being attacked by a Rangers Fan, then he told one about him chasing Rangers Fans when he was a teenager and was being ‘daft’.
Then it turned into blokey boasting about football hooligans and American gangs in general.
But I’d lay off Tommy - he’s a militant socialist before he’s anything.
It’s Terry that’s been pushing the Irish chauvinist thing (for whatever emotional reasons) and he started it on day one when he said Sheridan and Malone where both good Irish names and they should start a Celtic group and Ulrika was a thin-lipped Anglo-Saxon - but Tina is all about Liverpool and I think Tommy is perfectly happy being a Scot.
January 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Verne said that Tomoyah told them his soccer story - can anyone enlighten? No doubt it involves “Shareen Nanjani”.
January 17th, 2009 at 1:48 am
I wanted Coolio to win but the old gits may have hit a tipping point - if 4 middle-aged men start ganging up on a harassed single-mother they could look like right bastards - even drunk, womanising, wannabe gangster Verne.