Kerry Katona And Jade Goody React To Katie Price Divorce

DAY Five of the Peter Andre - Katie Price Divorce Master class: the columnists react to the, er non story…

Fiona Philips

Ask anyone who’s been in a successful marriage for a decent length of time and they’ll say, “you have to work at it”.

Go on, just ask…

Well, to give them their due, Katie Price and Peter Andre certainly worked at theirs. They worked at it in glossy magazines, downmarket magazines, on telly, in books – anywhere they could, they worked it.

All work and no play makes Katie and Pete duller than the face of the sun, or Pete’s chest…

I’ve met Peter and Katie lots of times – I was even invited to their wedding – and the outstanding thing about both of them is their honesty and openness.

Katie Price and me. Outstanding.

Deborah Ross

Poor Jordan. She’s dying to be Jade

Katie Price and Peter Andre have split: But is it all a publicity stunt?

Let’s investigate…

So Katie Price and Peter Andre have split - but is it a fake split?

Look closer…

Or is it, even, a fake fake split, and therefore a double fake split, and therefore not a fake split at all, or is it a fake fake fake split (the triple fake) which means something or other and is most telling, but do we care enough to work it out? Not really.

(Only another 150 more words to go Deborah…)

Anyway, Katie’s celebrity clout is dwindling, the theory goes, and she needs to reboot it with the sort of attention her bitter rival, Jade Goody, received when she died and was on every magazine cover, the lucky so-and-so.

Is Katie Price dying?

At first, Katie considered dying too. ‘I’ll die’,’ she initially volunteered. ‘I can do that. I’ll do it tomorrow between writing one of those books I don’t really write and dyeing my pony pink.’

Is a pink pony a euphemism?

It was only after her management company sat her down and talked her through the implications of dying, explaining very slowly with reference to real-life dead people - ‘Pat Phoenix, when did she last attend a soap awards ceremony?’ - that Katie understood what being dead actually meant…

‘I think Katie should have gone for the dying,’ said Kerry Katona, while Jodie Marsh added: ‘I know we have had our differences in the past, but I would have helped and supported her with this.’

Victoria Beckham refused to comment, but a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who once passed her in Selfridges did say: ‘Oh, go away. Like Victoria gives a damn. She’s got handbags to look at.’

True, it’s hard to see where else Katie and Peter might have gone publicity wise, having already dressed up the whole family for a Christmas cover for OK!, a Halloween cover, various birthday covers, Mother’s Day covers, Father’s Day covers, ‘I’m depressed’ covers, ‘I’m no longer depressed’ covers, ‘Yup, I’m depressed again’ covers and even that most desperate of covers, the no-occasion-in-particular-cover.

‘How about we split?’ Katie eventually offered. ‘Yeah, all right then,’ said Pete, who wanted to get on, as he had a lot of rubbish music to create before tea.

It’s like being there - a fly in a pot of Pete’s Touche Eclat…

Amanda Platell

Katie, Peter, and a tale of sad banality

And so Amanda Platell manages to sum up her entire piece in a headline. It’s post-modern journalism…

The problem is that nobody believes them. Their plea for “privacy at this difficult time” has been greeted with derision. Their troubles are dismissed as a publicity stunt. But I believe them. What I see are two fragile and messed-up adults whose family life has collapsed under the weight of its pathetic contradictions. The sad banality of Mr and Mrs Andre has been revealed for the first time. No wonder so many people prefer to buy into “reality”.

Katie’s disgraceful Maldives mission

Deborah Orr

Posing in a tiny white bikini with perfect fake tan, Katie Price was snapped at the luxury resort in the Maldives where she’s staying after the break-up of her marriage.

The Indy didn’t buy the pictures so you’ll have to clsoe your eyes and imagine, or buy a different paper…

She is said to be distraught at having to leave her handicapped son Harvey behind with a carer. Nobody forced you to go, love.

The simple truth is, at a time of great turbulence and confusion in his young life, Harvey has been abandoned by the one person he needs at home most.

The paparazzi?

Whatever the truth behind the marriage split, it’s a disgraceful way for any mother to behave.

It’s a disgrace! Just look at those disgraceful pictures of a huge-chested woman in her tight, white bikini tanning herself in…

Simon Hoggart

You’ve probably not been following the separation of the “glamour model” Katie Price (”Jordan”) and Peter Andre, her husband, though it’s a huge story in the tabs.

And in the Guardian, which now tabloid sized, almost…

I can report little except the depressing news that 85% of people who go to her website are female. That is horrible; naturally men don’t actually fancy women with silicone bodies and, by now, rather harsh, aggressive faces.

Peter Andre is a woman…

But she has become a role model for young women who want to make themselves rich and famous almost exclusively for being rich and famous.

Because you follow people to be just like them. Right now hundreds of men are trying to be Simon Hoggart…

Peter and Katie - let’s have a heated debate…

Anorak

Posted: 16th, May 2009 | In: Celebrities Comments (9) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed: RSS 2.0 | TrackBack | Permalink