Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
PEACHES Geldof has died. Her funeral has been held. So. What now for the paparazzi’s long lens?
Why, how about a picture of her widow and his sister-in-law out for a walk? No fewer than two journalists - MATT WILKINSON and ANDY HALLS – are there to look at the photo and tell readers:
GRIEVING Thomas Cohen walks with his arm round sister-in-law Tiger Lily yesterday — 24 hours after his wife Peaches was cremated. Musician Tom, 23, was comforted by Peaches’ half-sister as they paused at a duck pond
WHEN eight-track tapes hit the shelves in the latter part of the Sixties, it was seen as a godsend. All of a sudden, you could listen to your music collection in your car, or out-and-about with the new boom-boxes. There were even rumors it would completely replace the vinyl record. Yet, just over a decade later, the humble cassette tape was able to drive it to extinction. Its heyday lasted from 1968-1975, and by 1980 the poor eight-track was in history’s dustbin, a sort-of laughable derelict from the Seventies.
So what happened? Here are 8 reasons for its untimely demise.
EVER looked at Steve Jobs and thought: “There’s a guy I’d like to watch a film about!” Imagine the thrills and spills as Jobs goes to the bank to get a loan! Gasp as Jobs does some soldering on a motherboard! Swoon as he buys 30,000 black turtle neck sweaters!
Good news! Danny Boyle and Leonardo DiCaprio could well be working together on a biopic of the Apple Honcho.
The film will be based on the biography by Walter Isaacson about Jobs, which was released in 2011. It follows on from the film ‘Jobs’, which starred Ashton Kutcher, which no-one watched.
SYPHILITIC grot-rockers, The Libertines, could well be making a comeback, which is great news for all those awful humans who live in a permanent state of mildew and have brown teeth and own nothing but four tattoos and a book of tedious soul-searching poetry.
How do we know about this comeback?
Well, Arch Bozo Carl Barât has pretty much said so. Rumours kicked off after suet-faced lightbulb-headed Pete Doherty gave an interview, where he said that he had been approached with an offer to reunite the band for a live show.
ANDRE Johnson, aka Christ Bearer, is the Wu-Tang Clan-affiliated rapper who severed his penis before jumping from a second-floor balcony in North Hollywood.
TMZ, which in sedate tones calls the incident a “penis massacre”, reports that the organ will not be reattached.
Tim Blair spots this news report in ‘Andre Johnless’:
PEACHES Geldof was buried today. The Guardian has a feature called:
Peaches Geldof’s funeral – in picture : Stars from the world of show business attend the service at St Mary Magdalene and St Lawrence church in Kent
That’s a bit tabloid, isn’t it? We love the tabloids here at Anorak. But the Guardian doesn’t.
Frankly, there’s every chance she will find a way to turn even this latest incident into gold, and a forthcoming issue of Hello! will carry an interview of her that tap dances round “the misunderstanding everyone is talking about”, while allowing her to pose up again with her children in exchange for a few quid. If so, we must doff our hats to the Britannia of idiocy, and observe that she should really be on coins – the unapologetic face of some apocalypse-baiting modern currency. Call it Twitcoins, and pile in today.
WHEN we last saw Josie Cunningham, she had been awarded a pair of 36DD breasts (RRP £4,800) by the NHS. As the Sun put it, Josie had used the New Hooters Service. It would have been no big deal were it not for the facts that Josie is fame hungry and planned to use her new breasts to achieve fame and fortune. Like A modern day St Agatha, Josie would serve up her breasts for us to enjoy and study.
Now the mum-of-two from Leeds is back in the news. She’s four months pregnant. And the Mail reports of the “24-year-old”:
Shameless ‘model’ who vowed to have an abortion so she could appear on Big Brother reveals the bump of the child who will never be born due to her quest for fame
It’s being presented as the first Reality TV death.
Says Josie, now just 23, in the Sunday Mirror:
“An abortion will further my career. This time next year I won’t have a baby. Instead I’ll be famous, driving a bright pink Range Rover and buying a big house. Nothing will get in my way. I want to be famous for being me – Josie Cunningham, a glamour model in my own right. If I want to do that I need to put my career first.”
Tsk! Josie hasn’t a clue how fame work. No, wait a moment, she knows exactly how fame works. Having flogged her story to the Mirror, the paper makes the most of its investment with a barage of news stories on JOSIE CUNNINGHAM:
* Josie Cunningham abortion: 93% of Mirror Online readers would boycott Big Brother if she took part
* Stupid sl*g who doesn’t deserve children’: Nicola McLean blasts ‘vile’ Josie Cunningham abortion for fame plan
* New video shows Josie Cunningham blaming “Twitter trolls” for her decision to have an abortion
* Glamour model is famous already for being a poster girl for all that’s dirty, immoral and sick in our society
* Josie Cunningham says she’ll have more NHS surgery and THANKS “online trolls” who attacked her abortion plans
* Thousands sign petition calling on Channel 5 not to allow Josie Cunningham on Big Brother
That’s seven scoops on one day on misguided Josie Cunningham. This “aspiring model” is a one woman content mine.
To put the tin lid on the horror, we’retold “Josie, 23, is already 18 weeks pregnant by either an escort agency client or a Premier League footballer.”
Or? Why can’t the daddy be a both a trick and a top footballer?
Maybe she’s saving that for yet another scoop?
ONE THING the internet cannot yet do that newspapers can is field hand-written letters sent through the post. Andrew Potter, editor of The Ottawa Citizen, tweeted this letter hew received from a reader who says:
“JUSTIN BIEBER IS ON THE CROSS HE IS THE MESSIAH RESURRECT HIM
Odd, indeed. When Anorak has worked for the Press, the best letters have been the ones that reuse letters from the paper – cut out and pasted onto card.
THE headline of this piece could’ve been ‘Stupid Man Invents Thing To Get In The Papers’, but alas, we’ll deal with the hand we’ve been given.
Mike Amess has claimed that he’s allergic to Kim Kardashian. Of course, Kim Kardashian is the prime target in the world for people who want to knock someone without having to actually think of someone worthy of being a target.
Yes. Kim Kardashian is actually alright and hugely misunderstood, but that’s another article.
IN 1978, the Associated Press met Kellie Everts, the Miss Nude Universe who became as a striptease artist performing on a Washington stage because “God told her to quiet her job as a social worker and return to the stage to perform her strip act”.
The woman born Rasa von Werder was stripping for Jesus.
And isn’t stripping another kind of social work?
RIP Gabriel García Márquez, 1927-2014:
MUSICIAN Paul Weller has won himself £10,000 in damages after pictures of his children were “plastered” on the Mail Online. The High Court said that Associated Newspapers had to pay up after Weller and his family complained about a number of paparazzi shots were published with the headline “A family day out: Paul Weller takes wife Hannah and his twin sons out for a spot of shopping in the hot LA sun”.
It was the “Modfather’s day out”.
The couple said the shots were “plainly voyeuristic”.
THE animosity circus that was Britpop, with everyone trying to outdo each other by saying “we’re the best band in the world” and slating other bands was fun for 10 minutes. When bands like Scotland’s The Gyres started calling themselves the best band in the world, everything got a bit claggy.
However, one rivalry really caught everyone’s attention – Oasis versus Blur.
On one hand, you had the distanced Damon Albarn and his gaggle of middle-class artists, sidestepping the High Street to look at the way people lived. It was songs about lottery winners, girls who worked the check-outs, shipping forecasts and having sex with the telly on. On the other, you had Oasis – a gang of lads from some crap street, hungry for success and writing songs about having the best night out ever and immortality.
Everything about the rivalry worked, even though both bands were indebted to the same period of ’60s music (Oasis were aping The Beatles’ ‘Rain’ and noisy Freakbeat records, while Blur took a Ray Davies and ‘Penny Lane’ approach). Is was lads off the estate versus those that listened in school.
Many snide remarks were thrown back and forth and it was equally useful for both bands as the press and marketing teams gobbled it all up. It all came to the fore with Country House versus Roll With It. Both bands, in their own way won and, the ultimate loser was the record buying public as, once the fuss had died down, they realised they’d got suck into buying some subpar records.
However, they’ve all grown up now. Damon Albarn is a music magpie with a variety of collaborations and projects under his belt, while Noel Gallagher left Oasis, leaving Liam to tour with Beady Eye, the world’s best Oasis tribute act. Gone are the jibes wishing AIDS on each other. Damon and Noel, the statesmen of their respective camps, have grown to like each other away from all the din.
Albarn has, for a while now, talked of the times he bumped into Noel and, after a tentative start, they’ve grown to like each other. Now, in 2014, it looks like an album with them both is on the cards.
Damon revealed that making an album with Noel Gallagher is a “distinct possibility” and that the pair have discussed the idea “at least once”.
“I still see Noel from time to time. We text a bit,” Albarn says. When asked if the pair would be making a record together, he said: “I can imagine that being a very distinct possibility at some point in the future. But, as yet we haven’t really talked about it, although…”
“OK we have a little bit. We’re talking. It’s not anything to get excited about yet. I mean, he’s doing his thing. He’s finishing a new record. I’ve got my record coming out, but the principle of us making music together is something…you know, it would be fair to say, we have discussed it at least once.”
And if you missed it, Damon and Noel played on-stage together last year at the Royal Albert Hall for a Teenage Cancer Trust gig.
Could be a good LP, if they work it out.
THROUGHOUT cinematic history, our most beloved monsters — from Dracula and The Wolf Man to Freddy Krueger and King Kong — have returned again and again to haunt our nightmares, and our movie screens.
In any horror movie or monster movie sequel, the primary challenge is thus always quite specific: how do we get our beloved monster back after so thoroughly and completely defeating him at the end of the previous movie? How do we snatch defeat from what seemed like victory?
Some movie franchises have proven cleverer than others at threading this particular needle, finding fresh and inventive ways to get our beloved monsters stalking again.
A CLEARLY bonkers Canadian dentist called Dr Michael Zuk has spoken of his not weird and distressing at all plans to clone dead Beatle John Lennon and raise him as a son.
See, he’s got DNA from the singer’s tooth and doesn’t see any weird moral implications of owning his own little Beatle, like he’s the evil empire in Star Wars, making a load of Jango Fetts.
ANROAK’S favourite Christian rocker William Tapley, aka the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, singer of such hits as Denver Airport Is Stuffed With Penises and Gangham, Style and Call Me Maybe Herald Arrival of The Anti-Christ will now sing a song for Lent:
THE painter Pablo Picasso once asked who can see the human face correctly: the photographer, the mirror, or the painter.
Popular horror films and television programs have long highlighted all three possibilities, but focused most intently, perhaps, on the mirror.
FEEL free, at any point during this article, to tut to yourself “Cuh! Including yourself are we, Corden?”
James Corden has hit out at some of the “horrible” people who attended the Brit Awards while he was doing a very thorough job hosting the dreadful ceremony.
After four gigs, Corden decided to step down after the last one. Talking about his experiences at the annual hanging of pop music, during Michael McIntyre’s chat show, Corden was critical of some of the people who sit on the tables at the event.
“It was horrid,” Corden told McIntyre. “It is so much fun the week leading up to it and you get to see the bands, and then it is live and you are in this room full of people that don’t listen to anything you say. People who beg for a ticket turn up and pretend they are too cool to be there. They are all chatting, drinking and eating.”
PEOPLE have long chuckled about America’s insistence that people from the Middle East are white. Apart from present day Middle Eastern people of course. They HATE those guys.
We’re talking about the meme that got out of hand. European artists painted Jesus as a white guy and everyone cleverly ignored the fact that he would have at least been olive-skinned, or even darker. He definitely wasn’t some white guy with fair hair and a neat beard who looked like he might be the road manager for Creedence Clearwater Revival.
So too, the rest of The Bible’s important figures found themselves being whitened, in modern American depictions especially. And so, to Noah, who just happens to be the subject of a new film and, unsurprisingly, he’s played by a white guy; Russell Crowe.
TONIGHT, former teenage prostitute Zahia Dehar, 22 – famous for her alleged sexual warm-ups with French footballer Frank Ribéry at age 16, is Marie-Antoinette.
She’s not really the old decapitated Queen. She’s just the subject of a picture by Pierre Commoy and Gilles Blanchard, aka Pierre and Gilles. In the photos designed to look like a portrait. Dehar’s portrait is in a room is surrounded by Marie’s chairs. It sits above a marble mantelpiece from Versailles Chateau, Marie’s palace.
THE 1970s was a decade set ablaze with countless Jesus Freaks and Holy Rollers cranking out an untold number of gospel records. There seemed no end to the number of artists Bound for Glory and preaching the Good Word. What holds them all together is not only their brand of music, but also their total inability to produce an album cover that is not jarringly awkward. The hideous fashions, the frightening hair styles, the creepy vibes… each one is a tiny miracle of condensed tackiness and unease. Hallelujah!
I guess the glory of the Lord is so bright; four of the six bespectacled Farr boys had their lenses tinted. The top-center Farr is simply majestic – the mighty ‘fro helmet is a thing of heavenly beauty.
TAMARA Mellon’s ex-husband Matthew Mellon, 50, and his current wife Nicole Hanley Mellon, 36, are the subjects of a ‘they-really-aren’t-like-the-rest-of-us’ feature in the New York Times. We encounter the couple “seated in the living room of their apartment in the Pierre hotel.” Talk turns to how Mr Mellon, 50, and Nicole met:
“My breath was literally taken away. I knew instantly. I was rocketed to the fourth dimension. It was a metaphysical overtaking. I called my ex-wife and my mother and said, ‘I met my future wife.’”
Wow, indeed. But that’s not the best bit of this interview beamed from another planet. Before we get to his wife’s reply, know that Tamara Mellon is, famously, the entrepreneurial co-founder of the Jimmy Choo shoe label, and the daughter of Tommy Yeardye, former Hollywood stunt man and one-time lover to married kiss ‘n’ tell sex bomb Diana Dors. He once ran a London nightclub where guests could sketch naked models as they eat dinner. A more successful business venture saw him hook up with young hairdresser Vidal Sassoon. He made a mint.
Tamara Yeardye met Matthew Mellon drugs rehab.