Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Pop Star Takes Drugs! Like you, we too are shocked by the Sun’s front-page news that Louis Tomlinson, of One Direction, has wiled away the time by rolling “what appears to be a joint”. It is a “cannabis storm” – which sounds great it you’re a stoner. The real shock in this story, however, is that Tomlinson should be filmed skinning up mainstream, stupifying drugs in “the four-star Soho Hotel”.
We live in straigthened times, readers. Once upon a time, pop stars did imaginative things with pricey drugs and fish in expansive five-star suites or low-down dens in debauchery. Now we are expected to be excited by a pop star sharing a cab with some mates and billing up in a mid-ranking hotel one review damns are being popular with “media types”.
If he were any more middle-of-the-road and Louis Timlinson would be a dead hedgehog…
So terrible is Kate Hopkins, the Sun’s vile sayer of nasty things to deadline, that the Indepedent called her words on brave, entrepreneurial, tough, resourceful and desperate migrants trying to cross into Europe from North Africa “a column so hateful it might give Hitler pause”.
‘Worse than Hitler’ might be a tagline Hopkins can live with, but, come on on, Hitler was pretty racist, and it’s hard to think of a Katie Hopkins article on immigration altering history, forcing the German leader to recognise just how bad he is. “After alles,” he ponders, “I enjoy mass murder but I’m nein Katie Hopkins.” And Hitler was no fan of borders.
You can read Katie’s ride on the journalisomobile here. But if you can’t be bothered to here are a few highlights:
Rescue boats? I’d use gunships to stop migrants You may as well set up a Libya to Italy P&O ferry
NO, I don’t care. Show me pictures of coffins, show me bodies floating in water, play violins and show me skinny people looking sad…
You want to make a better life for yourself? Then you had better get creative in Northern Africa…
Britain is not El Dorado. We are not Elysium. Some of our towns are festering sores, plagued by swarms of migrants and asylum seekers, shelling out benefits like Monopoly money. Make no mistake, these migrants are like cockroaches. They might look a bit “Bob Geldof’s Ethiopia circa 1984”, but they are built to survive a nuclear bomb. They are survivors…
Bring on the gunships, force migrants back to their shores and burn the boats….
There’s a shrill petition to have Hopkins sacked from the Sun. Sign it and you are on the side of the goodly. You are the good censor, the bright light who saw the limit of free speech and squashed it. Hurray for you.
Best not to bother.
Ed West spots “an interesting piece by James Bartholomew on ‘virtue signalling’, the bane of social media and political debate; that is, people expressing how ruddy good they are by telling the world how much they hate bad things like Ukip and the Daily Mail.” And the Sun’s Katie Hopkins.
“It’s noticeable how often virtue signalling consists of saying you hate things. It is camouflage. The emphasis on hate distracts from the fact you are really saying how good you are. If you were frank and said, ‘I care about the environment more than most people do’ or ‘I care about the poor more than others’, your vanity and self-aggrandisement would be obvious, as it is with Whole Foods. Anger and outrage disguise your boastfulness.
West adds that if he were as hated as Hopkins he’d want to kill himself. But Hopkins is no suicide. Maybe she is tougher than Hitler, after all? Hitler craved love. Hopkins seems to enjoy the notoriety.
And rather than taking Hopkins down, getting her the sack brings to mind this episoide from David Sedaris’ Santaland Diaries. Our hero is working as an elf, going through the soul-detroying, scripted motions, doing what people expect of a cartoon character on public display. And for that, people want him fired:
sTo look like Kylie Jenner t0 and to pass the #KylieJennerChallenge – stick a place a jar or something over your mouth, suck all the air out of it, and feel your lips begin to bulge.
Et voila! You look ridiculous. But all it cost you is the price of a jar of olives and a small shred of dignity.
— SC:QuinnyCassanova (@QTwoFour) April 20, 2015
This is just brilliant. Listeners to the BBC World Service’s World Have Your Say show were introduced to Godfrey Elfwick, a student from Sheffield talking about the lastest Star Wars franchise, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Awakens. Godfrey says the character “Dark Raider” is “racial stereotype”.
Godfrey Elfwick is a work of parody. Having said on twitter that he’d never seen Star Wars, the BBC got in touch:
Did Angela do any research? If she did, she must have missed Godfrey’s other tweets, like these:
Godfrey pricked the knowing liberal bubble with a skewer:
Brilliant. Just brilliant…
(PS: is he the only work of parody in that clip?)
Batman v Superman – Retro style:
This week ESPN’s Britt McHenry learnt that these days anyone can be on camera:
A video surfaced Thursday of the ESPN reporter dressing down a parking-lot attendant in brutally ugly fashion.
For those of you in need of a script, McHendy said:
“I’m in the news sweetheart, I will f****g sue this place…. Maybe if I was missing some teeth they would hire me, huh? ‘Cause they look so stunning … ‘Cause I’m on television and you’re in a f*****g trailer, honey.”
‘Music to shiver by’ might be the name of John Carpenter’s album of Lost Themes. The man who thrilled us with his Halloween and these overlooked gems inspired directors Gavin Hignight and Ben Verhulst to put pictures to Carpenter’s tune Night.
Hignight pays tribute to the master of sinister synth:
“Upon hearing NIGHT by John Carpenter my head was instantly filled with these nighttime highway road dreamscapes. Someone or something, haunted, traveling the road alone in the late hours.
“Our goal was to take that feeling and put it into a video that paid tribute to the film work of Carpenter but at the same time gave him a new world to play in… in this case literally through Virtual Reality.”
Budding MPs and actors with political ambitions can rest assured that your past peculiarities need not be barriers to the legislative chamber. In this video future California Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger seductively feeds a woman a carrot.
Simon Cowell has a new format: he wants to adopt a child.
Could being Cowell’s child be a TV talent show?
In 2013, Cowell trailed the idea of an adoption show by asking his twitter followers to suggest names for his news dogs. The dogs were adopted, of course, it being not yet possible to for Cowell to sire his own.
Cowell opted to name his adopted pets Squiddly and Diddly, after characters on an old TV show. So any parents with children of that name, hard cheese. Better news for parents of a child called Ernie, because Simon Cowell has a young son called Eric.
(Has this scoop got anything to do with Cowell having a new series of Britain’s Got Talent to promote? – Ed)
Amanda Holden heralds the start of vaudevillian Britain’s Got Talent season whatever by telling the Sun she wants her nipples are insured for £2m. The Sun works out that each nipple is worth £1m apiece. But we think they’d struggle to branch out on solo careers as holders for wet donkey jackets or Deal or No Deal presenters, being better off together and attached to the adamite Holden superstructure.
“I decided if it was good enough for Kylie Minogue’s bum or Mariah Carey’s legs, it is definely required for my nipples.”
Patsy Kensit is talking about Kate Middleton in Stylist:
Watch out for horses, Kate! And naked women!
Blue Verse, by W.H. Auden:
There was a young poet whose sex
Was aroused by aesthetic effects;
Marvell’s The Garden
Gave him a hard-on
And he came during Oedipus Rex.
Said the Queen to the King: “I don’t frown on
The fact that you choose to go down on
My page on the stairs
But you’ll give the boy airs
If you will do the job with your crown on.”
The Bishop-Elect of Hong Kong
Has a cock which is ten inches long;
He thinks the spectators
Are admiring his gaiters
When he goes to the Gents–he is wrong.
For more retro goodness follow Flashbak…
What gets you fired from Rolling Stone magazine? A story that wrongly branded a frat house violent gang rapists will not get your fired. But a bad review of Hootie and the Blowfish might.
All of the songs overflow with generic jangly guitars that evoke denatured versions of edgier Southern popsters like R.E.M. and the dB’s, whose Peter Holsapple is reduced by the need for health insurance to serving as fifth Hootie on organ, piano, and accordion…
These comfy, cozy sounds–the musical equivalent of Mom’s chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk–are paired with lyrics that reek of Hallmark-card sentimentality…
To these ears, Hootie are the blandest extreme of a wave of bands…
His review was spiked, replaced with more favourable review by contributor Elysa Gardner.
DeRogatis told the New York Observer.
The Observer quoted a spokesman for Rolling Stone saying the review swap was a matter of writing quality and not opinion, and DeRogatis saying Rolling Stone Editor and Publisher Jann Wenner is not necessarily a Hootie fan, but “a fan of bands that sell eight and a half million copies” of a record. The day after the piece ran, DeRogatis was fired. (A follow-up piece in the Observer said Rolling Stone would not discuss DeRogatis’s departure for reasons of employer-employee privacy.)
Rolling Stone employment policy might change if the frat house sues…
The Sun has replaced Page 3 and most of Page 2 with the story on Casey Batchelor, a toppless stunna last seen in public frotting a member of middle-aged boyband Blue on Celebrity Big Brother.
Casey – no longer topless – is here to tell us that she’s not had sex for eight months.
“I don’t miss sex, says Casey.” I’ve dated so many guys I thought were nice, but once the deed was done they lost interest…. I refuse to waste another number on a man that doesn’t deserve me.”
The Sun has secured two people to speak up for “hard-working Brits”. Miners, carehome workers, northerners, Jeremy Clarkson’s dry-cleaner and Kim Kardashian’s depilators were vusy, so they found the next best workaholics: Joey Essex and Amy Childs off TV’s The Only Way Is Essex.
Taking time out from their hectic working lives of eating kangaroo anus, being thick to deadline and tanning, Essex and Childs call for a change in politics.
The Sun think the country needs more influence from Essex man and woman. This is Sun politcs where The Only Party is Essex.
The Sunday Times‘ “Relative Values” feature focues on famous relations. This week, the paper looks at TV presenter Ben Fogle and his father, Bruce. It features one of the most wonderful epsisode of passive-aggresive bragging we’ve seen for a long while.
Sasy Ben Fogle:
Mum and Dad never “bragged” about their life. Dad has written more than 50 books and got an MBE [for his work as co-founder of Hearing Dogs for Deaf People], but he always underplays his achievements. In that sense, I am definitely my father’s son. Even though I might be off to Outer Mongolia for a month, I don’t tell him because I don’t want him to think I’m bragging. I didn’t even tell him I got an invite to William and Kate’s wedding; I think he read about it in the newspapers. But what do you say? “I’m mates with William and Harry and I’ve been invited to the wedding.” I want Dad to be proud of me, but I don’t want to come across as arrogant or conceited. In retrospect, there are a few things I ought to have told him, and that was one of them.
Is he really “definitely his father’s son”..?
Do you love Lucille Ball? If you do, then you can join the Facebook page ‘We Love Lucy! Get Rid of this Statue‘. The Lucille Ball bronze statue lurks in Memorial Park Celoron, N.Y.
It is terrifying. In years to come, Lucille Ball will no longer be the local woman famed for her charisma and showbiz talents; she’ll be the woman who eats you if you don’t eat your greens and rips the soul from anyone cutting through the park after dark.
Oh, and the last person to put their mouth to that spoon woke up the next morning with their lips inside out. True story!
TO TEXAS, where Snoop Dogg is in company of a police officer. Snoop’s not under arrest. He’s at the South by Southwest festival in Austin to entertain.
The officer of the law is one Billy Spears. Snoop Dogg has asked if he can take a picture with him. Spears says he can. And on Instagram you can seee Snoop and Billy stood above the caption, “Me and my deputy dogg.”
Fast forward a couple of weeks and Spears is in therapy. Because the rapper has several convictions for drug possession, Billy’s bosses at the Department of Public Safety and Transportation officials say the officer was deficient in his duties. He requires counselling by a supervisor.
Snoop Dogg is so toxic that even standing close to him requires follow-up therapy.
Now, that is a badge of honour…
PS: If you know what theDepartment of Public Safety and Transportation officials ae iosking, avoid it.
It takes a lot of strapping to turn Peter Dinklage into Games of Thrones’ hero Tyrion Lannister.
Peter, a buxom 32D, is rarely seen as nature intended to let his acting do the talking.
Amy Winehouse was brilliant. When she died age 27 she left behind too little music.
AMY is the documentary to her short life.
This trailer features the line:
“I don’t think I’m going to be at all famous. I don’t think I could handle it. I think I would go mad”.
Only a few things have made me shed a tear – her death was one of them…
On Twitter, those of you sitting comfortably enjoyed @russellcrowe narrating the tale of The Hat.
For the rest of, you can read Crowe’s story here.
The story begins at the bottom. Read up from the moment the rosy-fingered dawn breaks…
We’ve heard many reasons why Zayn Malik left One Direction: he wanted their next song to be about crystal meth; he realised that depsite the money and the fame One Direction isn’t a proper band; he bought a second album and learnt that he wasn’t singing The Best Song Ever; and so on.
Radar online alleges he was kicked out for being tired an emotional. A source claims:
“Zayn’s alcohol and drug use became a huge problem. They gave him every opportunity to clean up his act, but he just couldn’t do it. He’s been going down fast and an intervention was needed. It was decided that it was best for him to go and take care of him for right now.”
The Daily Star reports that Russell Brand is the “fourth most imporant thinker”. Well so says “upmaket magazine” Prospect. Brand’s aim is to be entertaining. And he is. His flowery language to espouse whatever Left-wing claptrap he’s just read garners lots and lots of comment from people who think almost every day.
The Guardian complained that Brand’s “presence [on the list] looks designed to be provocative”. Well, d’uh. It is. It gets headlines. A search for “Russell Brand Prospect magazine” on Google calls up 436,000 results.
So. Here he is in the no-brow Daily Star. And the good news for Brand is that he’s no longer a middle-aged egotist in teen jeans (he’s 39). The Star says he’s 30.
That should make him think happy thoughts…
Today Aretha Franklin turns 73.
Back in 1970, the ‘Queen of Soul’ prefomed her her version of Otis Redding’s 1965 song Respect at the 11th Antibes Juan-Le-Pins Jazz Festival.
In New York on Valentine’s Day, 1967, Franklin and her backing singers – her sisters Carolyn and Erma – recored the song. They feminised Redding’s lyrics.
Hey little girl, you’re so sweeter than honey
And I am about to just give you all my money
I’m about to give you all of my money
And all I’m askin’ in return, honey
Is to give me my profits
When you get home…
Find out what it means to me
Take care, TCB
Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)