PETE Doherty and Amy Winehouse are the subject of much chatter.

The Express says Pete has left his flies open. The Sun wonders what their child will look like, and mocks up a picture of a tattooed baby who looks like a young John Prescott.

The Express says Doherty has sores on his face. The flies, the child and the complexion might be linked, but the Express is not one to speculate, at least not any more.

Anorak wonders if those are not sores but stud marks on Doherty’s face, badges of honour earned at training sessions for the Soccer Six tournament? The Star says that at the celebrity football match, Doherty will be substituted by Winehouse, who is even more likely to score than he is.

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AMY Winehouse is not to be charged with “taking Class A crack”. It’s the Sun’s front-page news. And the Sun says its “CRACKERS”.

The Sun’s plan to have everyone locked up is in tatters, just as the Mirror failed in its bid to have Kate Moss arrested for her alleged drug taking.

The paper says the video the Sun obtained and then broadcast of Winehouse smoking something was not enough to see her incarcerated because of a legal “loophole”.

It turns out that Winehouse escaped justice because there was no evidence of her having taken actual drugs. Just as Moss’s cocaine might have been snorting lines of sherbet, anthrax or uranium, Winehouse’s pipe was filled with liquid paraffin and brie.

Those smart alec lawyers might have made a mockery of our judiciary but the Sun knows what’s what.

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AMY Winehouse is being approached to model at London fashion week.

With much emphasis being placed on models starving themselves to be thin, has the fashion industry hit upon a wheeze: place the models alongside Winehosue and make them look the picture of health.

Julian MacDonald explains in Metro: “She’s an amazing talent. We are always busy working on fashion week. She’s an incredible person, who is just very unique and has a great style. She is just so different.”

Different to what? To the usual androids who are programmed to walk along a runway, stop, turn and walk back again? Given the advances being made in inflatable dolls, their days are surely numbered. Winehouse is certainly shorter.

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THANKS to the Soar-away Sun, Amy Winehouse is helping police with their enquiries.

The Sun is now the world’s first drugs free paper, committed to shining a small red light from a video camera or mobile camera phone into the faces of the nation’s leading celebrities. (Exclusive via: Beau D’Or Website)

As the official narks newspaper says: “AMY WINEHOUSE was arrested yesterday over The Sun’s sensational video showing her smoking crack.”

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ANOTHER day and with it another chance for Britain’s celebrity police force to have their picture taken alongside a face, on this occasion it’s Amy Winehouse’s.

Right now some lucky copper is nailing his photo the canteen wall alongside shots of coppers with Michel Barrymore, Kate Moss, Peter Doherty and many, many more.

Indeed, rumours are that Doherty Duty is now part of the police training scheme, with all new recruits invited to identify the pop f***wit and then nick him.

Today, though, the Mail is reporting that Amy Winehouse has been arrested for possession of Class A drugzzz.

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“MY FEAR FOR PEACHES,” says the Mail’s front-page headline, words that could be uttered by just about anyone - Bob Geldof, the Man From DelMonte or the Mail’s Liz Jones.

The chair is with Jones who says she met the daughter of famous parents Bob and Paula Yates and found her to be “spoilt” and “completely undeserving of the enormous leg-up she has been given in her chosen career of TV presenter.”

She was also “sad”.

That’s “THE TROUBLE WITH PEACHES”. No, not that journalists can recall meeting her and now seek to stick the boot in as she confronts allegations of drug talking. The trouble with Peaches is something else entirely.

The trouble is the “fear of the police knock on the door”.

The Mirror has spotted our Celebrity Police Force at work, and using a picture of “Cocaine Kate” Moss, Amy Winehouse and the aforesaid Yates, places Peaches in context.

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GREAT to see Amy Winehouse back in the news after a too long period of reflection. And good to know that her jailed husband, Blake, is looking forward to life after bars.

Sad to say it is less than likely that Amy and Blake will be putting in an appearance on All Star Mr & Mrs, at least not together, as the Sun reports that Blake is to leave Winehouse for a mystery blonde.

Here’s Blake telling his lover: “Just say the world and I’ll dump Amy. I love you more than I could ever love my wife. You’re all that matters to me.”

The identity of this lover is not given, but knowing how Blake is in jail one wonders who it can be, or what? Prison can do strange things to a man, especially one who has been linked to drugs and their imbibing.

The Anorak recalls that scene in Castaway when Tom Hanks finds a lover in the shape of a football with a face drawn on it. Might Blake’s blonde be a broom stick, which for a time resembled Winehouse until the mind began to whirr with stories of her alleged infidelity and was replaced by a mop head?

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MORE celebrity policing by the News of the World as it says “POLICE are to quiz Sir Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches after she was filmed buying DRUGS from Amy Winehouse’s alleged dealer.”

The paper says police seized a video from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton “as part of their investigation into what police suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the pair”.

For the (video) tape there are, reportedly, images of Amy Winehouse taking crack cocaine, and Peaches “handing a drugs pusher up to £190” and her offering the line: “I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.”

No problem, surely. We imagine that a Celebrity Drugs Empire marches on its Columbian powered and recuperates on some prescription drugs.

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BY now you’ll be wondering what Amy Winehouse has been up to.

And the Star can reports that she has been getting a wound to her neck.

The paper says it’s a bite mark from Amy’s jailed husband Blake Fielder–Civil. The Mirror says Winehouse is pointing to it; perhaps it’s proof that she and Blaaake are still an item, as the Star suggests?

It’s a good job the papers is up to speed with such thing lest we think Winehouse was self-harming and the wound was caused by said finger scraping her skin. In which case, we’d tentatively advise some antiseptic creams and a tetanus shot.

Perhaps it’s for reasons of public health that the Sun’s Gordon Smart invites readers to put their hands up if they haven’t slept with Winehouse. Smart wants to look under your nails.

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AMY Winehouse is plotting to start her own record label.

It’s the Amy Winehouse exclusive of the day.

And just as soon as Amy’s deal with Island Records expires in a year’s time, and so long as she can be bothered, and so long as no other record label has singed her up, and so long as this story is not superseded by “Amy Denies Label Shocker”, she WILL launcher her own record label, very possibly.

The Sun says so.

And the Sun’s Gordon Smart says that all things considered, “It doesn’t sound like a good idea to me”. Smart says Winehouse doesn’t look like a “self starter” and new man Alex Haines “doesn’t looks like a business mastermind”.

Sun readers get to see a picture of Smart, who looks like a mating between a provincial estate agent and a 1950s menswear shop employee. Some would say he doesn’t look like a journalist. But times change, and stereotypes must adapt.

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AMY Winehouse Watch: A life in headlines and fact:

The Star: “ME & BLAKE WILL BE TOGETHER FOR EVER”

The Mirror: “Amy: I still love Blake”

“Says Winehouse: “Me and Blake are meant for each other, he’s my man.”

The Sun: “Blake tells Amy: Give me £3m – DIVORCE DEMAND IN JAIL”

In Amy’s Camden Town den, her dad Mitch Winehouse “gave her new love [Alex Haynes] his blessing.”

The facts.

AMY Winehouse is dating one Alex Haines.

Says his stepfather Roger Vine: “He’d never get involved with drugs and doesn’t drink much. He’d be positive influence.”

As if to prove the point the Mirror investigates Haines. This expedition if journalism goes as far as visiting Facebook and finding a picture of Haines “stripped to the waist at a drug-fuelled Thai beach party as he dances with his eyes half-shut”. The paper says the picture is captioned “Alex tripping”.

Having set the scene, the Mirror then reminds its readers that “there is no proof that he has even taken drugs”. Readers should not read of the drugs, the eyes, the tripping and the “boozy wild nights out” and draw the wrong conclusion - such is the Mirror’s professionalism.

This is Haines of whom a source says: “He always said he’d do anything to get rich and would love to be famous.”

Anything? Would he sleep with Winehouse, something the Sun says one Blake Wood has done in the rooms at London’s Park Plaza hotel?

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NEWS is that good looking, vivacious and not-in-the-least-bit-flaky Amy Winehouse is worth £10million

The Mirror says that the singer has raked in the cash “despite a lengthy booze and drugs battle.”

That would be the same booze and drugs battle that has helped case her fame to shoot up faster than Pete Doherty on the other end of John Prescott’s see-saw?

AMY Winehouse has hit “ROCK BOTTOM”.

So says the Sun’s front page, which pictures Winehouse trying to see her eyebrows without a mirror.

Inside and: “Crazed Amy hits 2 men, trashes bar, snogs bloke, smokes drugs in street then has taxi row.”

Readers not up with the music scene may wonder what it is about Winehouse that marks her out for special treatment, her night out being pretty much the norm for us all. Throw in a kebab and Winehouse’s antics would be a fitting tribute to St George’s Day.

This is Winehouse’s 8-hour pub bender, says the Star. It’s her six-hour pub crawl, says the Mail.

Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi is playing pool in Camden Town pub The Good Mixer. Says he: “She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back – she’s a woman.”

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AMY Winehouse has been offered £1million to write a book about her marriage to her incarcerated husband Blaaaaake.

It’s a kiss ‘n’ cell.

Says a source in the Sun: “They are prepared for it to be warts and all.”

Given the state of the Winehouse complexion, readers can make their own assumptions.

But what of this tome? Most autobiographies deal with rows, sexual conquests or a chance to score points over an arch rival (aka: setting the record straight).

Winehouse married Blaaake on May 18 2007. On November 10th 2007, Blake was sent to jail.

They have shared the marital bed for a full 176 days. That’s 15,206,400 seconds, 253,440 minutes or 4224 hours.

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PETE Doherty is behind bars. Pete Doherty is in his cell. You can come out now, kids, the world is a safer place.

Blaaaaaake, Amy Winehouse’s husband, says, via the Star, that to survive in jail Doherty, and indeed, any celebrity, should act hard and pretend they used to be a boxer.

This, says Blaaaake, will guarantee you immunity from fisticuffs - until the date of the big fight, when the local gangland legend, impressed by your tales of pugilism, has wagered a considerable sum on your beating Gripper over five rounds in the shower block.

So here’s Pete limbering up on the Sun’s front page by sniffing his fingers. Or, as the paper says, allegedly taking heroin in his cell.

Danni, the Sun’s voice of topless models, professional blondes and justice is outraged. Says she: “It’s a disgrace.”

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