HERE’S a video of a 16-year-old Angelina Jolie turning on a lot of older Italian men.

It’s a bit like watching colour CCTV footage of a Knightbridge nightclub:

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over…

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BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are to marry on board Octopus, a yacht - the world’s largest privately owned yacht - owned by former Microsoft owner Paul Allen.

Namibia was deemed too small…

PSST! Wanna see a video of Angelina Jolie possing for the snapper aged just 16?

“Affirmative”, says Old Mr Anorak, “For research purposes only, you understand.”

(more…)

JOLIE 1, OBAMA 0.

Angelina Jolie Plays The Battlefield in Iraq

ANGELINA Jolie writes for the Washington Post: “Staying to Help in Iraq - We have finally reached a point where humanitarian assistance, from us and others, can have an impact.”

Is grandstanding by the great and good worthwhile?

Who cares if Jolie is benefiting herself? If she can raise an issue, then all to the good? Such is the deference afforded to celebrities that they are now better placed than our elected leaders to comment on politcal matters.

The celebs speak without fear of criticism. And if they get the facts wrong, they can just shrug it off as not their line of expertise. They speak from the heart.

If a politician talks like Jolie they would be snapped and sniped at. They would need facts. Jolie just needs proclamations. If Bono is Mr G9, Angelina Jolie is his significant other.

Says Jolie: “The request is familiar to American ears: “Bring them home.”

But in Iraq, where I’ve just met with American and Iraqi leaders, the phrase carries a different meaning. It does not refer to the departure of U.S. troops, but to the return of the millions of innocent Iraqis who have been driven out of their homes and, in many cases, out of the country.”

She talks of refugees in Iraq:

“More than 2 million people are refugees inside their own country…
An additional 2.5 million Iraqis have sought refuge outside Iraq, mainly in Syria and Jordan….

I’m not a security expert, but it doesn’t take one to see that Syria and Jordan are carrying an unsustainable burden. They have been excellent hosts, but we can’t expect them to care for millions of poor Iraqis indefinitely and without assistance from the U.S. or others.”

Syria. That bastion of human rights. Jolie truly is no security expert.

But the bigwigs all want to meet with here. Jolie speaks with Army Gen. David Petraeus and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Do they learn anything from Jolie? Or is the lure of celebrity too big a deal to turn down?

Says Jolie:

“It seems to me that now is the moment to address the humanitarian side of this situation. Without the right support, we could miss an opportunity to do some of the good we always stated we intended to do.”

She has your attention. The details she leaves to others…

JENNIFER Aniston will not feature on the cover of the National Enquirer for the next few weeks.

There will no stories about Jennifer Aniston falling in love with her new leading man on the set of a – irony of ironies - a romantic comedy.

There will be no stories of how poor Jenn is coping with the first trimester of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy.

This is not because Hell has frozen over or all magazine space is taken up with news of Britney Spear’s conversion to Islam. It is because Jennifer Aniston has had her eggs frozen.

An insider tells Star magazine: “It was a really smart move, because it buys (Jen) a few years to figure it all out. The pressure has lifted.”

Great plan. And if it doesn’t happen Jenn can be cryogenically frozen and injected with frozen sperm from leading men though the ages. One each. To the winner the spoils.

And if the freezing eggs plan doesn’t work, Aniston can always revert to Plan B:

Before making the decision to freeze her eggs, Jennifer considered other options, according to another Star source. “Her friend Sheryl Crow turned her on to the idea of adopting.”

Although it is thought all the more photogenic orphans have been taken by the aforesaid Jolie…

BRAD Pitt: is that his hair?

Or is he wearing:

a) Elton John?

b) Road kill?

c) The cast from Friends?

d) The look of middle-age crisis?

Of course, the wig has a rich history from Hollywood to the world of British football.

Bobby Charlton’s wig enabled him to keep his pony tail under wraps, thus guarding him against accusations of beign a “poof”.

Ken Dodd achieved great success in Hollywood by pulling on a wig a “torso suit” and wearing the look of “restained stupidity” when he played Bobby Ewing in the hit TV show Dallas. The famous shower scene was achieved by a drip-dry, machine washable blend of nylon and silk. 

John McCain’s “hair hole” wig is working well. Placed over his shock of white hair, the look makes him appear down to earth and parctical.

Factoid: Brad Pitt was the basis for TV’s Kojak  

“ANGIE Test Tube TWINS!”

A look through the Geographical Institute and John Bartholomew’s 1953 tome ‘Regional Atlas of the World’ finds no mention of Test Tube, in any variant.

Is Angelina Jolie branching out to pastures unknown in her quest for new children? Is her pregnancy journey a voyage of discovery, literally?

Reading on in the National Enquirer, we discover that the twins were not conceived in the town of Test, Tube, nor Test Tube, rather in a laboratory.

In a land far, far away…

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THE legend has it that everywhere the Queen visits smells of wet paint.

The civic centre needs to look its very best to meet her Majesty’s exacting standards, or more precisely the standards set by the liggers and dullards who make up her court.

Can the reverse be the case with American royalty, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? News in the Mirror is that the couple are to adoty a child from an African orphanage.

Might it be that right now the locals are muddying the walls, scuffing shoes and forgetting the flush the hole in the ground so that their orphanage should win..?

“ANGIE’S TWISTED HUNGER FOR VIOLENCE,” announces the National Enquirer’s cover page.

There’ a picture of Angelina Jolie brandishing a gun. She’s aiming at the Enquirer’s readers. And this below the headline “BRITNEY’S DEAD”.

Surely Angelina can find other children to adopt and can leave Sean Preston and Jayden James alone? “What will happen to Britney’s boys?” wonders the Enquirer. Both are white and blonde. And Jolie already has a big one and a small one of those.

Chances are they will have to remain with their father, Kevin Federline, or else we should hope Britney lives on.

Which brings us to Angelina and her gun…

A SURVEY by Parade magazine says most Americans think Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s “little Violet Affleck” is “the most adorable celebrity baby (36%).

Little Violet beats Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri Cruise (20%), Brad and Angelina’s daughter, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (18%), Anna Nicole Smith Larry Birkhead’s daughter, Dannielynn Smith (17%), and Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son Kingston (9%).

Violet’s achievement is all the more remarkable given that their daughter’s name is not a product of a god complex, a browse through travel brochures or a game of Pictionary.

No small irony is announcing over the PR wires that the award for the most-overexposed celebrity award goes to Miss Britney Spears (50%), who earn some more exposure. Here’s to 2008!

Other news is that 44% of Parade respondents think US TV presenter and actress Rosie O’Donnell is the most annoying celebrity, more annoying than Paris Hilton (24%), Ann Coulter (16%), Heather Mills McCartney (12%) and Perez Hilton (4%).

All of them may be less annoying than Kerry Katona or Victoria Beckham, but of them neither figure in the poll.

Such results are rooted in a fickle public and should O’Donnell have a child called Petunia she will be made less annoying than Hillary Clinton, or if she can play someone loved, like Oprah Winfrey, in film…

WHO is the best celebrity humanitarian? It is a rhetorical question. Keep your guesses to yourself. We have the answer.

Given the chatter from the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, who cut up his dog collar on the telly, the Opposition’s housing spokesman Grant Shapps spending Christmas Eve sleeping rough and Tony Blair’s No. 10 career, celebrity humanitarians are our religious and political leaders.

But none of them feature on the Reuters poll. The world’s top celebrity humanitarian is…Angelina Jolie, pipping Mr G9 himself, Bono, to the title.

The rest are: 3. Desmond Tutu; 4. Bill Gates; 5. Bill Clinton; 6. Jimmy Carter; 7. Kofi Annan; 8. Mia Farrow; 9. Don Cheadle (actor); 10. Brad Pitt.

That’s four actors, one pop star, one tycoon, one religious leader and three politicians.

To the respondents of the Reuters poll they are all celebrities, like Kerry Katona, Osama Bin Laden and Mel Gibson – all are eligible for an appearance on a chatshow, TV gameshow or pro-celebrity ice dancing contest.

Or they could think big – how about a TV presenting job..?

SHILOH Pitt can be seen sat on the arm of her mother, the lithesome Angelina Jolie. Both are on the cover of the National Enquirer.

More often, Shiloh can be seen sat at a corner table at Nobu Malibu, a restaurant nine out of ten Sons And Daughters of Stars (Sados) find easier to say than L’Orangerie or Spago (Suri Cruise can say all the names of LA’s leading restaurants in fifteen Earth languages).

You’d suppose wearing Armani Junior and eating miniature black cod with her homeys would give Shiloh all she needs. But the Enquirer says the girl may need more. She may need more love.

As the front-page headline asks: “DOES ANGELINA HATE HER OWN BABY?”

Says Jolie: “I felt so much more for Maddox and Pax because they are survivors and Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born”; she’s the “outcast in the family because she is so blonde and blue-eyed”.

Much shock and outrage. “What an emotional blow for Shiloh,” writes a fan.

A Dr Judy Kuriansky, a psychologist, says Angelina is “setting Shiloh up for deep psychological trauma”.

Such is the Jolie love for Shiloh. What chance do the rest of the Jolie-Pitts have of fitting in with Los Angeles society if only Shiloh is developing a psychosis? Dr Judy says Shiloh will be “consumed with insecurity” should Angelina adopt more children.

Bring them on, say we. Nothing makes for a better anecdote on a TV chatshow than a teenage life of angst and insecurity. Shiloh will thank her mother one day, and very possibly from the front page of the National Enquirer…

A MAN lies on the ground. His face is bruised and bloodied. His eyes shut. He is British. It is Saturday night in Las Vegas.

And the impression is that the City of Sin is a tanned version of Blackpool at chucking out time.

The Mirror looks on. It sees witnesses.

In the “THE FIGHT CLUB” readers see Bruce Willis (“HAT”), Tiger Woods, Sly Stallone, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and David Beckham.

Did they see anything?

“For he’s a Jolie good fellow”, says the Sun’s headline. It’s today’s Angelina Jolie story.

“You are a hero,” says Jolie to the man who lies prone of the floor. “She is a mere 20ft from the spot where the Briton lies.” So too is Brad Pitt, as aforementioned.

Says a source: “He crashed down right in front of them and Angelina grimaced… She seemed genuinely affected by what she’d seen…”

The stricken Briton’s mother, identified as Carole, sips neat vodka she’s poured into a water bottle. She is anxious.

Finally, the man comes to. “What the f***** hell happened?” he asks.

Why, you’ve just met Angelina Jolie. And don’t worry that you can’t remember the moment - the Sun and Mirror have plenty of pictures…

THE National Enquirer’s Mike Walker spots Juilette Lewis, former love to Brad Pitt.

Says she: “After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle… Juliette Lewis - who was hot ‘n heavy with hunky Brad Pitt back in the Stoned Age - was mingling at the bar when a wise guy fan blurted out: “Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack anyway?”

Replies Lewis: “He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!”

“As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: ‘Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?’ Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying - but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling.’”

It’s a charming tableau. And of course it makes us wonder if Brad, often billed as “cute”, can be cute if he is overly big. Cute is small, so too “loveable”.

And it leads to other issues. Does Brad laugh it off or say that he last saw Lewis on a cold day in November and it will be a colder day in hell when he sees her again? Do we view the Brad penis from above (perilous) or the front?

And will Brad feel an urge for an augmentation procedure, setting a trend that all men will follow? Will he go for the “Schwarzenegger”, the “Clooney” or the ironic “Lewis”?

Anorak is aware that such things are in poor taste, but Hollywood sets the standards that we follow tomorrow, or a few years later if you live in Suffolk. Remember when Marlon Brando wore a sweaty T-shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire (sales up) and Clark Gable took his shirt off in Frank Capra’s 1934 film It Happened One Night (sales down)..?

Watch this space…

ALL is not well in the world of transatlantic celebrity relations as “fat-tongued Jamie Oliver” calls Angelina Jolie’s child “Piloh Sh*t instead of Shiloh Pitt”.

The Spoonerism has not gone down well.

In John Gross’s Oxford Books of Aphorisms, Comic Verse and Essays, the author mentions W. A. Spooner, coiner of the Spoonerism. Readers lean that there is a time and a place for a Spoonerism.

As an Arnold Toynbee says: “At a dinner party in Oxford, she saw Dr Spooner upset a saltcellar and then reach for a decanter of claret. He then poured claret on the salt, drop by drop, till he had produced the little purple mound which would have been the end-product if he had spilled claret on the tablecloth and had then cast a heap of salt on the pool to absorb it.”

It is clear that Spoonerism – verbal or physical - is not for everyone. Spooner could get away with his behaviour and not be punched in the throat by his host because it was the sort of thing expected of him. He may have been invited to the dinner in the implicit hope he would do something Spoonery.

Jamie Oliver is TV cook. He says “pukka”, “weerly wicked” and has a need to be liked.

His slip of the tongue – however generous – is best avoided…

TO Grazia magazine, and a front-page sensation: “Angelina bombshell – Zahara’s family demand her back.”

Sadly, as reported in the Enquirer, Ms Jolie is removing herself to France and will not be returning to Ethiopia, land of daughter Zahara‘s birth any time soon.

Should Zahara’s family want to meet Ms Jolie they are advised to put another child up for adoption and wait their turn like everybody else…

Picture: 14 - Buy her prints here 

“FURY AS ANGIE QUITS USA!” announces the National Enquirer.

Angie is Angelina Jolie, and America is outraged that she should pack up her home, her kids, some other kids and make for a new life in France.

“We’ve been very loyal throughout her career, but it looks like she’s ungratefully dumping us,” fumes Catherine Larcher, secretary of the Californian fan club Brad and Angelina.

Ms Larcher has every right to be upset. It was not too long ago that Anorak was forced to pen a letter in green ink to Michelle Ryan, who had no sooner left the EastEnders’ set than she had set off to America.

The Michelle Ryan Fan Club is now no more, the members dispersed and the 5,000 piece Ryan Jigsaw we were working on broken up and scattered to the winds. The Michelle Ryan Support Group is, however, very much alive.

Of course, a Pitt-Jolie enthusiast such as Ms Larcher may note that calling her club Brad and Angelina was always going to be precarious, given that Jolie and Pitt have outlasted three marriages between them…

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