And – yup – this is the same Kelly Osbourne who told Closer readers:
“In some ways, LA is really behind the UK in terms of recycling and being green. Hardly anyone uses their own shopping bags at the supermarket and everyone drinks bottled water. But I’m going to make a huge effort this year. I’ve been using a water filter jug instead of buying water and Luke and I try to walk places instead of driving or we use our electric scooter.”
Or the 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air – 17.1 mpg. Not available in green…
And they may be earning a few pounds more because Claire and her brood are in Closer magazine, along with a 42-inch plasma telly, Sky TV, a seven-seat Mercedes, an 11-seater Minibus and a four-bedroom detached home in Llangefni, Wales.
“I hope people realise that I really do have better priorities than caring what they says about what I’m eating or wearing…”
…by telling us:
“I’m no showing yet – and because I’ve been up and down in weight I could have easily kept it a secret for longer. But I didn’t want people to think I was putting n weight again.”
Or as she told us earlier:
“I’m in magazines all the time and the stories are all about my weight. That’s just hurtful.”
So much for better priorities…
JONAH Falcon has the biggest penis in the world. In Closer magazine, Jonah The Bonah (NSFW pictures) says “Girls are scared of my 13-inch willy”. It’s over 8 inches in the round.
The magazine says it is “bigger than a bottle of wine”. Says Jonah:
“I just want a nice girl to cuddle in bed and maybe have children with, but I seem to attract women who are just interested in sex.”
So says the man who appears in magazines as the man with the biggest knob on the planet.
CHERYL Cole and Chelsea shagger Ashley occupy minds at Closer magazine, which delivers the gem that Cheryl’s mum Joan has “persuaded her to hand over her phone so she won’t be tempted to contact Ashley and listen to his excuses”. She’s lost her mobile to her mum.
What is up with the Coles of Surrey and phones? Ashley has to resort to a pay-as-you-go mobile – and he’s on over £80k a week – and Cheryl only has one phone and no land line.
Hard times at the Coles’ Hurtmore residence – harder still should Ashley opt to send a sexy text of himself in his knickers to his wife. Look away, now, Joan, lest you become ensnared in his loose threads…
Can you be too ginger? You are either ginger or you are not ginger. The ginger community is unequivocal on such matters. The source goes on to claim that Katie Price plucks Princess’s eyebrows – yep, she does NOT have her own depilatologist – and “used Johnson’s Holiday Skin, a gradual tan moisturiser” on Princess. Closer says this is a “fake tan“.
* JOHNSON’S® HOLIDAY SKIN® Light Glow’s fantastic fragrance leaves no tell-tale after smell…so no one will know where you got that glow.
Hair too ginger. Skin not gingery enough. It’s a topsy-turvy world, kids.
She’s going to have herself surgically removed from David Beckham’s back? Hey, no. This is serious. Save your cynicism for the election. Posh…
“…Faces up to surgery that could leave her in a wheelchair for 6 weeks.”
Jeez. This sounds bad. What’s up?
“POSH FEARS OVER PAINFUL SURGERY.”
It’s not getting any better…
“After years of suffering from painful bunions…”
Another boob job?
She’s already rumoured to have had three boob jobs, but Victoria Beckham is now planning a fourth operation because she fears her chest looks ‘fake’”
Victoria is currently in the US teaching the locals about irony.
CELEBRITY Big Brother: Having heard that Alex Reid is not in it for fame (source: Alex Reid), Closer magazine says “pals” of Katie Price are urging her to “dump the fame-seeking cage-fighter”.
Reid is described as “freeloading”, “perma-tanned” and a “laughing-stock”.
A source tells us:
“Katie’s mum and brother, Danny, don’t trust Alex and don’t think he has Katie’s best interests at heart.”
IN this week’s Closer magazine, Katie Price wants Peter Andre back, Jedward hear voices, Dannii Minogue quits the X Factor and those I’m A Celebrity sex scenes they didn’t want you to see…
DID you know that Jordan’s “MASTER PLAN” was to “dump Alex [Reid] weeks ago so she and Pete can reunite over the kids”?
Did you also know that “ALL I WANT FOR XMAS IS PETE”?
Closer magazine knows. These words appear on its front page.
Closer magazine says she did it to “GET PETE’S ATTENTION”.
Peter is Peter Andre, the former Mr Katie Price who seems to spend the larger part of his working life talking and singing about the former Mrs Peter Andre.
Inside Closer and we learn that Katie Price has her teeth turned “avalanche” white and face filled so that she looks like an almost lifelike porcelain doll to “rile Pete”.
If Jedward go, what will Closer magazine do for news? This week, readers get a welter of Jedward shockers. There’s TV funnyman Alan Carr saying:
“The way I feel about John and Edward is the way I feel about anthrax. They’re awful.”
On the letter’s pages, a reader cheers Jedward for “giving it a go”.
But the pick of the news is the story featuring Sam and Amanda Marchant – who they? – dressing up as Jedward and saying that they will double-date the twins.
How small is she? Well, she’s smaller than Cheryl Cole, who says “The baby’s on hold”. (Cancel the twins!) The world’s smallest mum is Stacey Herald and she is 35 and 2ft 4 in small.
IN this week’s Closer magazine: Lindsay Lohan’s suicide, Victoria Beckham is 700, Myleene Klass is proud of Charlotte Church, speaking for Cheryl Cole and fears for Katie Price and Peter Andre’s kids…
* THE death of Lindsay Lohan is proving to be a popular story. Following news that Lohan will die in 2010 – and your glimpse into her future – Closer magazine explains the method of her demise:
“SUICIDE FEARS FOR LINDSAY.”
“Friends say the star – who looked miserable and dishevelled in Paris recently – is living on a diet of pills, vodka and cigarettes.”
That would seem to be unlikely. But Closer has no time to investigate and beneath a picture of Lohan smoking a ciggie, tells us:
“She’s been wearing loads of bracelets too, which friends fear are covering up wounds from cutting herself.”
“MISERY DRIVES POSH TOWARDS ANOREXIA” – September 29, 2009
Posh stress: ‘David barely notices me any more” – October 7, 2009
Well, if there’s less to notice – unless, of course, Day-vid looks at the magazines, the billboards, the TV shows, the magazines, the websites….
Misery is not Posh’s new lead sedan chair operative, and Anorexia is not the hottest-most club in Milan. Closer explains:
“So insecure she starves herself until she’s dizzy and weak.”
“Expert warns: ‘She could end up dead.”
Dealing with each point in turn, isn’t dizzy and weak how WAGs are supposed to be? And this expert should know that celebrities never die, they just perform to a captive audience.
STOP Press: Earlier today Anorak introduced readers to the Angelina Jolie Diet, by which wannabe gaunt-faces can get the look by taking a constant state of agitation brought about by Jennifer Aniston’s face and partaking in loadsa shagging and rowing with Brad Pitt.
Now we read in Closer that Angelina’s small frame is the result of something else:
“Ange is shrinking to get attention from Brad.”
The smaller Angelina Jolie gets the more Brad Pitt will notice her. So says a source:
“Ange is shrinking before our eyes and looking skinnier than ever.”
Kelly is set to appear on Dancing with The Stars, the US version of Strictly Come Dancing. And she tells us:
“I’ve almost lost a full stone already.”
“Troubled Kerry Katona is running up huge phone bills to 24-hour psychic hotlines”.
So Kerry’s not mumbling to herself, then as she paces the loft like an alcopop-laced Miss Haversham? A source explains:
“She’s been spending loads of time locked in her room, drinking and phoning these expensive psychic lines.”
EARLIER this week, OK! magazine brought news from Charlotte Church’s bathrooms scales and wardrobe, and it was sensational…
“Charlotte is now a large size 12 but wants to get down to a size 10. If she does, she wants to do a workout video – but she’s told Gavin she’s happy to be a toned size 12.”
Now, just on day one and Closer magazine brings joyous news:
“Size 10 Charl vows to get the ‘ultimate body’”
“Our civilization has become extremely dumbed down, with shorter attention spans. All they want are sound bites. The tabloid magazines are the same every week. People has the same cover as InTouch as OK! as Us Weekly as Star magazine. They’re exactly the same! It must be 100 to 120 people you read about all the time. They are appealing to a young audience, or a rather dumb audience.”
Fresh blood is needed. So here’s glamour model Alicia Douvall talking of her 13-year-old daughter in Closer magazine:
Georgia wrote a little birthday wish-list for her 13th birthday later this month and on it was Kate Moss perfume, an iPhone and a boob job.
Running up and down the stairs all day, feeding two children, washing their clothes and keeping them in nannies sure does scorch those calories.
Says the Mail: “New mum J-Lo loses 40 pounds in four weeks with aid of gruelling workouts.”
Mums may well nod.
Much of the McLouhglin week is condensed into a single page in Closer magazine. The highlights:
“I wore this outfit when I went to a hair salon in Liverpool to have my extensions tightened”
“I really like shirt with jeans and I think the look is smart but casual”
“I had such a lovely holiday in Barbados”
“I bought a Matthew Williamson scarf… it’s pastel coloured with a map on it”
Now Coleen hot foots it OK!, where she appears on the cover with the Wagtastic Alex Curran and Sheree Kewell.
The conversation inevitably moves on from plate tectonics to Cheryl and Ashley Cole, whom Sheree hopes can “move on”.
The other topic of chatter is Sheree’s baby shower.
There are baby Dior outfits, designer berets and diamond-encrusted dummies. Says Sheree: “I have nothing left to buy.”
How they must have roared with laughter at Sheree’s little joke. More on that next week…
Or can you achieve the impossible dream and be both a CELEB and REAL? Few dare to try.
Mitch blurs the distinction by telling us that he is “cautiously optimistic” for his daughter’s chances of recovery in rehab.
Mitch is happy that Kelly Osbourne, daughter to Sharon, with whom Mitch talks a lot, is around to help.
As Mitch says of professional Osbourne Kelly: “She and her brother Jack have both had issues with drugs, so they’re wonderful support.” If you can’t rely on a reformed drug taker, who can you rely on?
Mitch then says Sadie Frost has offered to help Amy. And he has received a call from Roger Daltry, the popstar-turned-fish farmer.
Do the name checks burnish Mitch’s reputation as the country’s most famous cabbie since Fred Housego took the Mastermind title in 1980?
Or is Mitch a real person, asking us “Do you know who I had in the back of my cab?” and offering up “Amy Winehouse, the popular chanteuse”..?
Once more we are forced to wonder if celebrity magazines are a suicide cult?
Closer magazine (“The UK’s No.1 CELEB & REAL LIFE MAG – and who would have guessed this chalk and cheese combination would work?) looks at the glamour model.
“WASTING AWAY!” screams the headline. Katie Andre, as she is now fashioned is more being trimmed than wasted, reducing her gargantuan Jordans to a more manageable size.
“PETE FEARS JORDAN IS HOOKED ON PILLS,” says another headline, adding another layer of polemic to the allegations of her being wasted.
“As Jordan’s post-surgery pain leaves her unable to eat, she demands powerful drugs to numb her agony.”
Closer says it is “believed” Jordan’s has not dropped in weight to below 7st. Can all of her apparent weight lose be attributed to problems eating, suicidal thoughts, a cry for help or shedding so much of her former self?
Questions and more questions…