JENNIFER Aniston is to adopt a baby boy.

Forget auditioning to be the new Oliver, this is the gig any fame-hungry boy wants.
One condition, though, is that all contenders have to be called Alex.

Grazia magazine reports that Aniston has told friends that she is to adopt and likes the name Alexander. As the front-page headline says: “Jennifer to adopt a baby boy called Alex!”

Jen has, we learn, already spent $300,000 on a nursery for the son she does not yet have.
Her Beverly Hills mansion has two children’s bedrooms, a “nanny suite” and a playroom “with storage space for toys and clothes”.

The wardrobes may already be full of choice garments, all monogrammed with the initials AA - letters that invoke images of a cry for help (Alcoholics Anonymous, the Automobile Association, Adam Ant), but which now suggest hope and love.

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JENNIFER Aniston is the Express’s front-page blonde du jour.

“Has Jennifer found love at long last?” asks the paper?

The matter is debated across two pages within.

Jennifer Aniston is pictured with actor Owen Wilson. It turns out that they are stood on a beach and – get this – appearing in a new film together.

Aniston has already appeared in the movie The Break Up, in which she met and romanced her co-star Vince Vaughn. They then – shock of shocks – broke up.

It is life mirroring art.

And while the Express wonders if Aniston has fallen for Owen, we cannot help but wonder at her next film, the slasher flick Hollywood Death Row, staring Aniston as a serial killer alongside Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie and the cast of Desperate Housewives…

HER films may smell like the insides of Dustin the Turkey’s post-binge cage but they do enable Jennifer Aniston to meet men.

And what is Aniston’s career but a chance to meet men?

As the Enquirer reports, after three years Jennifer Aniston is “getting even with Brangelina”. This is “JEN’S PAYBACK!”.

Aniston is recording a new film with Aaron Eckhart. We learn that Jen and her actor friend are now “inseperable on and off set”.

Anorak readers will recall how Vince starred in The Break Up, a movie in which - irony of irnies - Jen met co-star Vince Vaughn and then - get this! - broke up with him.

Now she is recording a new rom-com film with Eckhart, traveling to Vancouver with him to record the film - whoaaa! - Traveling.

Dame Edna Everage would doubtless call this spooky. And we are tempted to adopt her phrasing. But let us not jinx this revenge romance, but allow it to take its natural course, to develop into a journey…

JENNIFER Aniston will not feature on the cover of the National Enquirer for the next few weeks.

There will no stories about Jennifer Aniston falling in love with her new leading man on the set of a – irony of ironies - a romantic comedy.

There will be no stories of how poor Jenn is coping with the first trimester of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy.

This is not because Hell has frozen over or all magazine space is taken up with news of Britney Spear’s conversion to Islam. It is because Jennifer Aniston has had her eggs frozen.

An insider tells Star magazine: “It was a really smart move, because it buys (Jen) a few years to figure it all out. The pressure has lifted.”

Great plan. And if it doesn’t happen Jenn can be cryogenically frozen and injected with frozen sperm from leading men though the ages. One each. To the winner the spoils.

And if the freezing eggs plan doesn’t work, Aniston can always revert to Plan B:

Before making the decision to freeze her eggs, Jennifer considered other options, according to another Star source. “Her friend Sheryl Crow turned her on to the idea of adopting.”

Although it is thought all the more photogenic orphans have been taken by the aforesaid Jolie…

IN “WHAT’S WRONG WITH COURTENEY”, Grazia magazine pulls on its doctor’s coat and therapist’s wringing hands and diagnoses Courtney Cox, Hollywood actress.

Courteney is “frail and gaunt”, which may well be this year’s signature look. “In Hollywood, you get your bottom half to be the right size, your face may have to be a little gaunt,” says Cox. “You choose your battles.”

Upsettingly, there is no picture of the Courteney lower regions, Grazia preferring to focus on the upper Cox. As such, we cannot tell which part of the greater Cox warzone is taking the high ground, unable to see which battle is being won and which lost. At a guess, though, given the look of Cox’s face, we can guess that her backside is as round and ripe as a fresh-plucked nectarine.

The face may, however, look more like the stone within the nectarine, and friends are said to be concerned. Readers learn that Jennifer Aniston has sent Cox a chef to “encourage Courtney to start eating better and more regularly”.

We are then afforded an insight into the Cox-Aniston eating regime and how they have indulged in “food mirroring”. Children under the age of seven may know this as “she’s copying me”.

Says Grazia: “Each morning they both had a bagel with the bread scooped out and for lunch they always ordered the same low-calorie salad of turkey, lettuce, chickpeas, pecorino cheese and lemon dressing.”

In addition, Cox and Aniston are said to follow “Budokon, a fat-free shake which combines energetic martial arts movements with yoga and meditation”.

When supple enough, the hope is that Cox can ruminate on her backside and in a downward dog pass it off as her face…

“JENNIFER’S PREGNANCY SHOCKER.”

This Jennifer is of course, what with this being the National Enquirer, Jennifer Aniston. And the shocker is that she is or is not pregnant.

That Jennifer Aniston may or may not be pregnant is a “world exclusive”. It’s very likely the biggest world exclusive of the year so far, more exclusive than “Mel Gibson Might Be Jewish”, “Madonna Gets Older By The Day” and “Will We All Be Speaking French in 2010?”

And it keeps on getting more exclusive when we learn that Aniston will only get pregnant by “sperm”, so ruling half of you out.

Still more exclusive, is that the sperm should be produced by a human male.

Filtering down the ovarian tube of sensation, we happen upon one Jason Lewis, a model-turned-actor.

Failing that, there is Vince Vaughn, or boxer-turned-model Paul Sculfor.

We would go on but to do so could jeopardise the exclusivity of Jennifer’s womb and open it up to just about anyone…

“HOLLYWOOD beauty had resigned herself to never having a life partner, but all that changed when Brad Pitt came onto the scene.” And Jolie got someone else’s.

In this exclusive OK! interview Jolie tell us about her “amazing life”. “It’s “amazing!” Amazing!” says Angelina Jolie, removing all doubt.

Jolie is auditioning for her biopic, in which she will play “poor” Jennifer Aniston to Jennifer Aniston’s pathetic and some may says heartless, cold and husband-stealing Jolie. Caring Angelina would surely like it known that there is always a part for Jennifer in any project she and Brad embark up together, such it the strength of their deep and lasting love.

“Brad aside, Angelina is known for her big heart,” says OK!, skilfully not confusing her with that Aniston creature.

“Brad is so good with Mad, for example,” says Jolie, “and they’ve bonded in such a beautiful way that it almost makes me want to cry – and I never cry.” Not like that Aniston person who cries all the time.

“Honesty and trust are fundamental,” says Jolie. “Brad and I have together and that’s why we’re enjoying our life together.”

It sounds, well, amazing… “I could spend hours just watching Brad enjoying his time with the kids,” says she, words that could come from the mouths of any one of us - “except I’m usually busy changing clothes or getting the kids ready for bed myself!”

Not like that Aniston woman who has no children and only has herself to think about all day and all night…

Pic: 14

NOTHING ages faster then the new. And so it is a blessed relief that we are not reading in the National Enquirer about Jennifer Aniston’s new hairstyle, new man or new catchphrase.

To date Jennifer has kept her hair long and her new men on script. As for the catchphrase, Jen has tried “OH MY God”, “OH-my God!”, “Oh MY God” and the challenging “OH-my-GoD!” But she has ever remained true to herself.

But now in “JEN OUT OF CONTROL”. The National Enquirer tells of Jen’s “wild partying”, “secret trysts with ex-lovers”, and her “hungry for new man.”

Plus ca change. It is refreshing to know that is world of uncertainties Jennifer Aniston remains as unwavering as a Hollywood divorcee’s expression.

Jen is always looking for love, always out at a party and always accompanied by hair that says she is worth it.

“ANGELINA’S WEB OF LIES,” announces the Enquirer’s front page.

Lies? Can it be that Angelina Jolie’s’s favourite word is not “Lemsip” and, as we have read in countless other oranges of record, her second best colour ever (in the whole wide world) is orange? Did she never mean the “Best wishes” she assigned to a picture proffered by Old Mr Anorak’s nurse?

These are lies told as exclamations. “!” (About Jen); “!” (OTHER LOVERS); “!” (HER FUTURE WITH BRAD!).
“Angelina has been caught telling a big lie to Brad about his ex, Jen – and it’s just one stand in a web of deceit Angelina has been weaving about her twisted double life,” says the magazine of repute.

The shock of shocks is that Angelina will not be all that willing to sit down with Jennifer Aniston, for it is ever she, and “couldn’t bear even the idea!” of meeting Brad Pitt’s former lover and wife.

And what of the children? A source says Angelina only spends a few hours with the children all day. “As soon as she sees camera,” says this insider, “Angie grabs a kid.”

Which might explain how she came to adopt three children – were they just close by when the command “Action!” was issued?

Pic: 14

THE Tabloid headline of the day, as told by the National Enquirer, on the matter of Jennifer Aniston: “Her ex waxer tells all!”

Look out for the “Rachel cut” at a slon near you. Why? Because you’re worth it!

JENNIFER Aniston is on the front page of the National Enquirer. And in her vicinity is Orlando Bloom.

Such is the way of the Hollywood Hills, that there is every chance to believe the couple are dating, soon-to-be-collaborating on a rom-com movie and consulting the Book of Revelations for baby names.

In “ROMANCE BLOOMS”, readers see that both Jen and Orlando love the beach. Jen loves hers. Orlando loves his. And one day they may even share a beach, a possibility the Enquirer encourages with its front-page graphic.

Their relationship promises to develop into an “open romance”.

Jen and Orlando are in Mexico. They are “staring blissfully into each other’s eyes”.

They are dining on a patio in their swimsuits. They share the same manager, one Aleen Keshishan.

Who remains tantalisingly out of shot, and is very possibly on the beach…

JENNIFER Aniston… We’d recognise that hair anywhere - on her head, on the telly on the collar of Ben Affleck’s lumberjack shirt…

Aniston and Affleck are indeed close. As the National Enquirer’s front page screams: “ANISTON & AFFLECK FLIRTING WITH DISASTER.”

And when Affleck does disaster everyone suffers – who can forget Pearl Harbor?

Trembling, we turn the page and learn that – get this – the picture is from a film Aniston and Affleck are working on together.

What price that the woman who starred in The Break Up and then Broke Up (!) with Vince Vaughn will now appear in the film He’s Just Not That Into You and find that – whoaah! – Ben is just not that into her!

A set insider tells us: “They hang out together, eat together and go off on walks tougher.”

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

A magazine has apparently banded them the “New Bennifer”.

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

“Meanwhile, Ben’s holding, kissing and even doing passionate honeymoon scenes with her!”

But He’s Just Not That Into You!

And He’s Not That Into You Too!

THE Third Rule of American tabloid dictates that where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie lead Jennifer Aniston must follow. And in this week’s Enquirer, Aniston is following on a surfboard.

“BRAD GEARS UP FOR CUSTODY BATTLE!” announces the Enquirer’s front page. “His plans for the kids if they split!”

Aniston is standing up. She’s holding an oar. She’s ponting in Hawaii.

Can she get to Hollywood in time to catch Pitt should he leave Jolie? Will Brad and Ange carve up the world between them, he getting the white and Hispanic children, she the black and Asian? Will Aniston blend in?

The Enquirer’s source says that should Pitt and his lover split and should he want custody of their daughter Shiloh and should a plague of frogs not descend on Beverly Hills “she would fight tooth and nail to keep her family intact”.

Looking at the Jolie oeuvre, we suggest Pitt should watch out for the Jolie heel to the throat and for the roving UN goodwill ambassador’s bony parts, of which there are several.

But what of this home life? We learn that Maddox, Child No.1, has apparently become a little spoilt. Only a little you gasp. You shut up your mouth and shake your head.

If Maddox is to survive in the Hollywood Hills, he needs to up his game. More toys for the young master. As many grasshoppers as he can eat. A night out with Kelly Osbourne must be booked.

Against this is Brad who wants to instil a sense of discipline in young Maddox.

“Angie thinks he’s too tough on Maddox, but she seethes when Brad tries to enforce any discipline,” says the source.

And here comes Aniston. She’s ready to put her oar in…