PETER Andre leaves urine on the toilet seat.

Given Peter’s careful appearance, we imagine this urine is left on the rim in a hand-blown, crystal-studded glass vial tied with a pink bow.

In turn, Jordan gives her husband a vial of her eponymous perfume, for him to pour lovingly down the pan after said urine.

But what of the rumours about this and that and the other things?

Peter tells OK! readers of his “inner circle”, which is very possibly a euphemism, and says: “Sometimes we’re a bit too trusting and we tell people things we shouldn’t.”

The urine, right? “A lot of stories are false anyway.”

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NICOLA will be “bigger than Jordan”.

That’s the Star’s front-page shocker as readers take in Fourth Division Wag Nicola McLean.

Nicola looks big enough already. Indeed, with her image posted on one side of the Anorak Towers’ indoor rifle range Nicola’s Jordans prove impossible target to miss.

But Nicola is ambitious to want more. Says she: “I want to go to Vegas and do topless shots on a roulette table. I’m really excited about it and hope everyone else is too.”

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IN Jordan’s and Pete Andre’s Apocrypha, the Next chapter, the couple are simulating “sex acts” in front of their children.

So says the Star which is disgusted enough to place the news on its foremost page.

Inside, and there are three more pictures of Jordan and Peter at it, engaging in rubbing, staring and suggest positioning.

Among the Taliban, say, or Carmelite nuns, this would be a guide to pre-marital sex. But in the UK it is plain sick.

Says child psychologist Dr Ruth Coppard (age 7): “Young children aren’t sexual beings and watching Mum and Dad have sex, even if it is simulated, is not appropriate. It could damage a child.”

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HOW does JK Rowling, Harry Potter’s creator, compete with Katie Price, she of the gargantuan Jordans and the children’s book Mermaids and Pirates?

The Express looks on as Katie pulls on a pink fishtail gown and flowing hair extensions to meet the young book buyers in Harrod’s department store.

Says Katie: “I have to be honest and say I haven’t read her Harry Potter books, but she was such a lovely lady, really elegant and glamorous and it was nice to meet her.”

As Jordan sells Pete the Pirate and Katie the Mermaid, Rowling is at the British Book Awards. And she’s doing a passable impression of La Price, as she threatens to tumble from her top.

In “JK and the one that nearly got away,” the Mail looks on as her publicist cups his hand to Rowling’s right Jordan and tucks it back in.

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WE like our celebrities to be a bit thick.

Sure, they make millions doing very little, but Jade Goody is an idiot, so too Jordan, Kerry Katona et al. If we can believe they are all thicker than Wayne Rooney’s neck the audience at home can feel unthreatened and better love them.

So here’s Jordan calling BBC Radio 5 Live DJ Richard Bacon Kevin. D’oh! And here’s Suzanne Shaw telling Sun readers: “I’m going to be honest. I’ve never heard either of these names before.”

Shaw, the Dancing On Ice queen, is replying to a question as to whether she prefers Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

“You Shaw are dumb,” says the Sun. Says her “pal”: “Suzanne can be a bit dizzy about foreign affairs.”

Thankfully, geopolitical commentary does not form a part of pro-celebrity ice dancing. But one imagines that if it did, Suzanne would bone up and offer a full and frank opinion on the US presidential race, before tripping over her feet, smiling inanely and widening her eyes.

“Oops! Silly me!”…

“CHANTELLE can’t control her chest,” says the Sun’s Gordon Smart.

It’s following her around the room. It’s got a mind of its own. It cannot be contained. What can Chantelle Houghton do?

Jordan knows. Says she: “Chantelle isn’t me. She was really nice in Celebrity Big Brother but she should have stuck with her true self. She’s never going to do all of what I do. I’ve been there, done it and bought the T-shirts, with the boobs packed in.”

Those gargantuan Jordans come with a free T-shirt? We look again at the Sun’s picture of the enhanced Chantelle Hayes spilling out a dress. Her breasts running amuck.

She’s got the breasts. But – fool of fools – she’s taken them out of the wrapping.

Someone fetch her a T-shirt.

Quick…

“GAZZA SUICIDE WATCH,” says the Star’s front page, words illustrated by a picture of Paul Gascoigne.

The tabloids routinely offer their readers a chance to slide back the peep hole and check on the mental wellbeing of the celebrity in “my hell”. Paris Hilton, Brintey Spears, Amy Winehouse, Jordan - you alright in your mental prison?

The talk is always of suicide:

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JORDAN - Katie Price - is all for what the media call “real women”.

As she says: “I decided that I wanted girls from my fan club to model [the range] with me in front of the press so I got them to write in and then I chose six girls.”

Spot prize: How many girls do you think are in the fan club?

“JUMBOS jet for Jordan,” says the Sun’s front-page headline.

Jordan is planning to buy a Hawker 900 jet for £4.5 millions.

Says a source: “She has three round trips planned to Australia. The cost of taking the family abroad this year looked ridiculous.”

And if there is one thing Jordan and her husband Peter must not look it is ridiculous…

KATE Price, Katie Andre and Jordan never writes a word of their autobiographies:

Price, aka Jordan, told me last week that her publishers Random House insist on calling her latest book an autobiography. “But it isn’t,” she said. “It’s a diary. I talk into a dictaphone for two years and each month someone takes the tape away and something’s done to it. I’ve started talking to my dictaphone for my fourth diary that’s out in two-and-half-years’ time.”

As Madame Arcati says:

A diary! Of course! At her current rate, and given a normal lifespan (let’s say 87 years from her current age of 29 years) we can look forward to at least another 27 or 29 “memoirs” or updates (one every two years over the next 58 years).

Plus the weekly serialisation in OK!…

KATIE Price and Peter Andre are stood between Daily Express owner Richard Desmond and his wife Janet. The Express has the scoop.

Katie and Peter are handing over five gold discs of their BBC Children in Need song A Whole New World. Such is the charity.

All to the good. And all set off by the Price-Andre’s daughter, Princess Tiaamii “dressed in a tiny Christian Dior jumpsuit”.

Please give generously…

SAY the Jordan-inspired headline: “I WANT TO ADOPT ANOTHER DISABLED KID ON MY NEXT DAY OFF.”

It’s front-page news in OK!.

And it’s good news for disabled kids. But hold the fake bake. And as you were with the extra name vowels.

Jordan doesn’t tell OK! readers when her next day off is. It could be today. It could be tomorrow. Or for  Jordan - ‘the hardest working chest in showbiz’ - it could be in ten years time.

On the bright side, disabled kids will continue to live in hope, and Jordan’s team of disabled kid scouts will have time to find the right one…

JORDAN is aiming to lend her name to a range of vibrators and “massage devices”.

The goods will feature a logo featuring her naked silhouette.

Might this explain her new trimmed look, the product of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s work with plane and chisel? Could the old Jordan only fit on a massive fallus and thus reduce her target market to old Nazi submariners, ping-pong enthusiasts and anyone looking to make a replica of Apollo 13? 

As the Sun reports: “She is also launching more traditional toys and even fruit machines.”

Traditional toys like wooden dildoes on pull-along wheels? And do these fruit machines feature a jackpot in the form of three singing acorns, a la Peter Andre, Mr Jordan?

The Anorak shop awaits… 

“JORDAN’S suicide agony over divorce threats.”

Once more we are forced to wonder if celebrity magazines are a suicide cult?

Closer magazine (“The UK’s No.1 CELEB & REAL LIFE MAG – and who would have guessed this chalk and cheese combination would work?) looks at the glamour model.

“WASTING AWAY!” screams the headline. Katie Andre, as she is now fashioned is more being trimmed than wasted, reducing her gargantuan Jordans to a more manageable size.

“PETE FEARS JORDAN IS HOOKED ON PILLS,” says another headline, adding another layer of polemic to the allegations of her being wasted.

“As Jordan’s post-surgery pain leaves her unable to eat, she demands powerful drugs to numb her agony.”

Closer says it is “believed” Jordan’s has not dropped in weight to below 7st. Can all of her apparent weight lose be attributed to problems eating, suicidal thoughts, a cry for help or shedding so much of her former self?

Questions and more questions…

AS ever with Katie Price, she of the now-less-gargantuan Jordans, there is a choice, an either or.

Do you begin with “JORDAN: MY DRUG AN SUICIDE HELL”, the News of the World’s front-page shocker on how “Rows with Peter drove me to the edge”.

Or do you, in the other hand (surely on the other hand, ed?) plump for the Star on Sunday’s no less sensational front-page headline: “HOUSE OF LORDS – Katie Price to join Government”?

Tricky choice. Perhaps, though, the stories are not so dissimilar. See if you can guess if the following quotes and facts come from the NOTW or the SoS. Let’s play WARDS or LORDS.

Use your knowledge to say if each of the following lines comes from the story of an ill Jordan (WARDS) or a political Jordan (LORDS). Let’s play:

1. “I think I’m dying!”

2. “Jordan says she took drugs but refuses to say it was cocaine”

3. “Jordan’s a party girl”

4. “I’m so ashamed of what happened next. After I’d taken it I thought, ‘This feels good’ and I took some more.” But then the drug took over. “My heart seemed to be racing fast, I felt hot and I began to panic,”

5. “The glamour babe is launching her own Book Club to boost literacy among children”

6. “Jordan insists there was no lesbian romping involved, only 15 minutes gossiping with the girls about fashion and make-up”

7. “My God, that’s it! That’s the end of us!”

8. “Katie, happily married to Peter Andre, has written a series of books including some aimed at children”

9. “Now her bombshell new book’s revelations back up the story of former nanny Becky Gauld, who was sacked in front of millions on the couple’s TV show, The Baby Diaries, for taking a holiday”

10. “I seriously thought, ‘Shall I end it all now? Drive into this wall and kill myself?’”

11. “The Mermaids & Pirates books feature characters Katie the Mermaid and Peter the Pirate”

12. “Pop star Peter was working on his music in their home studio and sad Jordan went upstairs, telling him that she wanted to try on some outfits”

13. “Go and have a w*** then, because I’m not doing anything!”

Continue reading for the answers…

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“JORDAN – ‘MY SURGERY NIGHTMARE’.”

Is this nightmare:

a) The surgeon runs out of air bags and is forced to improvise using a rubber glove and some helium, which causes Jordan to have to be held down by guy ropes?

b) Trapped in a lift with Noel Edmonds and Anthea Turner, Jordan is forced to flirt with the beaded Deal Or No Deal presenter and praise Turner for her linen?

c) Scabies?

It turns out that the answer is d) – none of above, and Jordan’s nightmare is to endure “DROOPY BOOBS”.

Says Jordan: “My words to my doctor were: ‘I want to go a lot smaller. And I want nipples like a teenager.”

No nipples are on show, and we are unable to judge. And looking at teenage nipples is something best not done on a work PC, unless you are a teenager and can peek at your own or those of a close friend.

But soon we are involved in a game of I Spy Cosmetic Surgery. Yesterday, we played with Mariah Carey. Today, Jordan smiles and make us guess what is new and what is older.

At a push we’d say she’s had her teeth one, her hair done, her nose done, her eyes done, her breasts done, her skin done, her boobs redone, and some tucking.

Jordan admits to the “teef” and the “foobs”, and adds: “The other thing I actually had done out there was my teeth – no one spotted that, did they?”

We did. And the cheek implants. No, says Jordan,. “I think I must have just still been a bit swollen from the nose job.”

Something of a bonus, then.

“Gaybeeesh,” says Jordan through her new veneers. “Gow gesst got elshk I’ve ‘ad dun?”

OK! A chemical peel?
Jordan: No
OK!: A facelift
Jordan: No way

Jordan: “I just love that feeling of going under. I was saying: ‘I’m almost under – you’re all disappearing. I can feel it,’ and I was laughing. Then I was gone!”

Only to return - poof! – smaller, lighter, sharper and more orange than ever…