PETE Doherty is in Bettina Aichbauer’s farmhouse in Austria.

No, no, Doherty has not gone missing, and there is no strange smell wafting up from the cellar.

But there is a smell.

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OVER the news wires, Anorak learns that “troubled” singer Pete Doherty is to show “an unseen homemade movie about his life in an Austrian cinema”.

Doherty’s trouble seem to be that narcotics are illegal and addictive. Other than that he seems to be doing just fine making a living from getting off his face and singing half-finished Donovan songs.

And what of Austria, a fine place to show your home movies, perhaps on a cellar wall in the company of the good old boys, who might want to share some footage of their youth in Salzburg, Berlin, Warsaw and Greece.

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MORE news from the Celebrity Police Force which has issued a statement that reads:

“The issue is not the act itself, it is the profile of fans that follow the act. Wiltshire police do not have an issue with Pete Doherty or Babyshambles.”

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WE’RE “OUT OF OUR HEADS,” screams the Sun.

“Drugs epidemic wrecking Britain.” For Sun readers that’s “broken Britain”, being wrecked, or mashed, as we know it to be. “DRUGS BRITAIN,” advertises the Indy.

The bombshell figures — which reveal 2million adults have taken drugs in the last month — will fuel calls for a crackdown on celebrity drug users like Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

Before Winehouse and Doherty appeared, drugs were an Americanism for pharmaceuticals. Says the Sun: “More than 400 under-16s were admitted last year, compared with 272 in 1997.”

In 1997, Anorak can reveal that the country’s top stars were, in order, Timmy Mallett, Steps and Ally McBeal. Innocent days, indeed.

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CELEBRITY Quote Of The Day: Pete Doherty’s Hit.

“When you split up with someone you’re seriously in love with, it takes a lot of time before you even realise you’re upset. You know it just hits you?” - The Sun

Peter Doehty takes a hit.

PETE Doherty’s Court Out tour continues to get great press.

And the Sun brings news that Pete has added an exciting new twist to his act.

In “Burgling Doherty burgled”, the Sun says that Doherty’s home has been broken into and thieves have made off with a guitar and some of his paintings.

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PETE Doherty�s summer tour 2008 is underway.

The Court Out tour was due to take in a courtroom in Yeovil, Somerset, but Doherty kept the fans waiting and ultimately did not show up.

But not to worry, fans. The Sun says the promoter, one Justice of the Peace, has issued a warrant for Doherty�s arrest and he WILL be in court soon.

See press for further details�

THE smack; the teen agnst; the spots - we cn take. But another Sting is too, too much to strand…

THE petrol cisris is gripping Britain.

“PETROL CRISIS GETS EVEN WORSE,” says the Express on its front apge. This is the crisisiest petrol crisis ever.

Just how bad it is is can be found in the Star where news is that Pete Doherty can’t afford to fill up his car.

Says Doherty, by way of a speech bubble: “It’s cheaper to buy smack.”

You’re on, Pete. Crisis, what crisizzzzzzzzzzzz

MORE news of Mirror hack Stephen Moyes who was, allegedly, told by one Anthony Kelly (who has admitted to a charge of perverting the course of justice) that Amy Winehouse would stump up any cash for her husband’s plot.

Moyes has quite a record. It was Moyes who “exposed Kate Moss’s cocaine shame” (surely talc? – Ed) and soap actor Craig Charles smoking crack in the back of a taxi.

Moyes is now the man who has exposed an, alleged, plot to pay a beaten-up barman £200,000.

James King, the stricken pub worker, may yet profit from Moyes’ story. After the Moss Talc shocker, the model went on to reap an estimated seven-figure increase in earnings.
And now the Mirror reports that Craig Charles is writing a kiss ‘n’ “hell” autobiography.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website)

Without news of his drug taking what odds on anyone caring to read the story of a jobbing actor and voiceover man?

Moyes has the Midas touch, his words being worth more per line to a celebrity than cocaine…

THE full shocker goes: “Amy Winehouse’s jealous husband offered a hardmarn £20,000 to have Pete Doherty ‘smashed to pieces’.”

Getting smashed is what Doherty does best, it being the root of his tabloid fame. Chances are he would have extended a veiny limb and accepted Blake Fielder Civil’s offer with relish.

But the Sun says this smashing was to occur not with pipe and syringe, rather by way of fist and claw.

Richard Lyttle, an ex-bouncer (do you ever really leave the job?) tells one and all: “We were sitting in my cell and he said: ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house.”

No other word nor proof is offered, and whether Doherty is smashed or not, we leave for you to work out.

But back to the £20,000? If it’s the going rate for smashing someone’s face in, it might also be the rate for perverting the course of justice.

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“KATE MOSS, SADIE, SIENNA And ME,” trails the front page of the Sunday Times.

The headline “ME” is a Sunday Times everyman, a nominal person who will place the three women in context and add historical perspective. She’s given the unlikely name Davinia Taylor, a moniker that blends the deliberately extraordinary with the plebeian

“Davinia Taylor: Secrets of the Primrose Hill set,” says the paper, in what proves to be skilful parody on modern life, and newspaper reporting.

“Davinia Taylor is at the heart of the group, which includes Sadie Frost and Kate Moss. She has never spoken, until now.”

A mute celebrity friend is surely what they all crave. No kiss and tells with a dumb person. But now Davinia is given a voice.

Davinia Taylor is in her downstairs loo. “That’s Kate and me just after we left Disneyland,” she says, pointing out photos. “And there she is in the country, washing the car with Lila. Oh, look, the Duch!” - the Duchess of York, on a night out with Princess Eugenie. Here is Davinia with her new baby, the now 11-month-old Grey, and her husband, David Gardner, the footballer turned agent and David Beckham’s best friend.

Were this not a clear parody, it would be beyond parody, and Anorak would hang up its coat and retire.

Then a snap of Jake Chapman’s daughter in a highchair, the word ‘F***’ artistically picked out in raisins in front of her. “She didn’t do that herself, obviously.”

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TO Camden Town, North London, where Sharmaarke Hassan, a 17-year-old member of the entrepreneurial, if a little materialistic, Money Squad has been killed.

Lest readers think the murder of a teenaged Somalian immigrant not worthy of investigation, the Times lets us know: “The area’s pubs and clubs are frequented by a group of celebrities that includes Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty, Peaches Geldof and Daisy Lowe.”

Summon the celebrity police squad and haul in the usual suspects. Hassan did not die in vain.

The Times does not rest on its laurels but digs even deeper to discover that a blog about gang wars in Camden (unnamed and not linked to from the paper’s website) “attracted a series of comments claiming that Somali gangs were ‘running’ the borough”.

A walk through the bad streets of the Internet finds tags for the North London Somalis, the Camden Boys, African Nations Crew and the Centric Boyz but no sign of any of them on the streets. Like elected councilors, they are never there when you need them most.

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CELEBRITY Quote Of The Day: Pete Doherty.

Says Pete Doherty, on stage in Brixton:

“Sorry I’m late. But considering I’ve had to bury one of my cats by the roadside I’ve done pretty well to be here at all.”

More Doherty news tomorrow…

AMY Winehouse and Pete Doherty are doing mice. It’s self-conscious, self-aware, self-promotion. It’s a pop music video without the music:

PETE Doherty and Amy Winehouse are the subject of much chatter.

The Express says Pete has left his flies open. The Sun wonders what their child will look like, and mocks up a picture of a tattooed baby who looks like a young John Prescott.

The Express says Doherty has sores on his face. The flies, the child and the complexion might be linked, but the Express is not one to speculate, at least not any more.

Anorak wonders if those are not sores but stud marks on Doherty’s face, badges of honour earned at training sessions for the Soccer Six tournament? The Star says that at the celebrity football match, Doherty will be substituted by Winehouse, who is even more likely to score than he is.

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“YOU know it’s time to knock the narcotics on the head when you try to execute innocent domestic pets with garden implements,” says the Sun of Pete Doherty.

Says the pop f***wit: “I got a shovel and was going to kill one of the cats. That was when I was, like, you know, ‘I’m a bit of a mess’. It was a bit of a crazy time.”

Doherty we know about. Some may ever say he remains a bit of a mess, being messy what he does best. But what of cats?

Just yesterday Lindsay Lohan was reported to have sent Russell Brand a cat, possibly in the post.

Last week, a man was taken away in handcuffs after allegedly murdering a cat which had teased him.

Anorak can only conclude that the world has been driven mad by fidgety Andrew Lloyd Webber, and cats are paying the price of his work.

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WELCOME to the Peter Doherty museum.

The Mirror says the nine-bedroom maisonette Doherty calls home boasts human blood and scribble on the walls, the stench of nine cats (a bedroom for each?) and no curtains.

The Mirror says this is all too terrible. It’s a “bloody Shambles”.

Now the paper says Doherty has been kicked out of his home, which is not as bad as it sounds since he is currently staying at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

And it’s not too bad for the home’s owner, who can now open the doors - or kick them off the hinges - at the Doherty Museum.

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HERE’S your chance to buy a genuine Pete Doherty original.

Among the organic roll mop herrings, bona fide “Rollock” watches and drugs on sale in North London pubs, drinkers are being offered a chance to buy Doherty trinkets and art works.

What these goods are, the Sun does not detail.

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PETE Doherty is behind bars. Pete Doherty is in his cell. You can come out now, kids, the world is a safer place.

Blaaaaaake, Amy Winehouse’s husband, says, via the Star, that to survive in jail Doherty, and indeed, any celebrity, should act hard and pretend they used to be a boxer.

This, says Blaaaake, will guarantee you immunity from fisticuffs - until the date of the big fight, when the local gangland legend, impressed by your tales of pugilism, has wagered a considerable sum on your beating Gripper over five rounds in the shower block.

So here’s Pete limbering up on the Sun’s front page by sniffing his fingers. Or, as the paper says, allegedly taking heroin in his cell.

Danni, the Sun’s voice of topless models, professional blondes and justice is outraged. Says she: “It’s a disgrace.”

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HAVING toured the nation’s courtroom as part of his study on wood panelling, Pete Doherty is now in jail.

Doherty On Bars sees the sometime popstar looking over the décor at London’s Wormwood Scrubs prison.

And as befitting his celebrity status, the Sun reassures readers that Doherty is being looked after: he has been given his own jail cell and a “bunk” with “TWO mattresses”.

The Sun seems confused. A bunk might be another world for a bed, it could even be prison slang, but a bunk bed is a device that demands two mattresses.

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