Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 155

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Selena Gomez Gets A ‘Being Brave’ Sticker In Children’s Hospital: Bieber Fans Pray For Her Death

DID you hear about Selena Gomez being rushed to hospital suffering from feeling pukous and having a eye-melting headache? Are you a demented Bieber fan who has been sending death-threats, cheering that she might die and that, in fact, your little voodoo doll actually worked?

Good for you. You must be thrilled, despite the fact Bieber still won’t ever take his miniature arousal anywhere near you because you’d inevitably kill his lust by constantly screaming at him.

Anyway, Gomez, has been getting lots of medical attention and it is thought that she has a combination of food poisoning and exhaustion. Everyone is looking at Beliebers as potential poisoners.

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Posted: 13th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Justin Bieber And Chris Brown Team Up To Really Hate Women Together

TOGETHER, Chris Brown and Justin Bieber have an amazing loathing for womankind. Sure, they may croon their paeans to the boobier sex, but they both quite obviously loathe them.

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Posted: 13th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (3)


Sir Bruce Forsyth – A Life In Photos And Backing Britain

BRUCE Forsyth is now Sir Bruce Forsyth. Sir Bruce, as he will be known, has had a good career in showbiz. But the highlight must be his part in the protest movement, I’m Backing Britain. In 1968 Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent put together a tune that Bruce Forsyth would give full throat to:

I’m Backing Britain,
Yes I’m Backing Britain.
We’re all Backing Britain today.
The feeling is growing,
So let’s keep it going,
The good times are blowing our way.

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Posted: 13th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (17)


Isle Of White Festival Photos: Brilliant Pictures Of The Fans In The Sun And The Mud

THE Isle of White Festival in photos… Did you survive the sun and then the rain? Did you slide in the mud soup and giggle – then travel for hours in the dried stink? Did you dress in a plastic burka and brave the wether? Did you sit on the beach and hope that the sun would last? If you did, you ought well be in our big gallery of photos. You know what the strs look like – this is what you looked like…

 

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Festival goers in the mud during the final day of the Isle of Wight Festival.

Posted: 13th, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment (1)


Jennifer Lopez Sings In A Fallopian Tube At Capital FM’s Summertime Ball: Photos

THE Capital FM’s Summertime Ball was staged in a rainy Wembley Stadium, London. Still Nicole Scherzinger did her best to humidify the air with a legs akimbo show; much like Jessie J, who will do for the shabby white sock what Clark Gable did for the vest. Enrique Iglesias got off with fan on stage. JLS sang down the phone. The Wanted channelled the drippiness. Lisa Snowdon gave us a George Clooney-eye view. And Jennifer Lopez sang in a fallopian tube.

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Posted: 12th, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment


‘Banker’s Bicep’ Iggy Pop Insures Isle Of White Festival Rocks: Photos

THE Isle of White Festival In Photos: Iggy Pop is 64. Swearing has not moved on. Hypnotising chickens never gets old. So. Here is the shirtless torso and heroin-addiction recovered face of Swift cover insurance (if you’re a musician who’s ever got cover from them, let us know) and Boston-based Metrobank shouting at pigeons dressed as the cool kids.

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Posted: 12th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)


Pregnant Lily Allen Marries At Gloucestershire Conservative Youth Rally (Photos)

LILY Allen is now married to Sam Cooper. She’s four months’ pregnant. She married at St James the Great Church in Cranham, Gloucs, near her £3million home.

The dress was designed by French designer Delphine Manivet. On first reading that read like Delphine MiniVan. But all is barely showing, and the big Rolls Royce transporter sufficed

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Posted: 12th, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment


Lily Allen Marries Sam Cooper: Wedding Photos

UNCONVENTIONAL Lily Allen married her lover Sam Cooper at St James The Great Church in Cranham. She wore white. She had bridesmaids. Then she went to live in the country – as pop stars always do…

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Lily Allen arrives at St James The Great Church in Cranham with her father Keith Allen for her wedding to Sam Cooper.

Posted: 11th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Why Is U2 So Popular? This Is A Great Answer

WHY is U2 so popular? Why is the band fronted by Mr G9 – that’s Bono – popular? Why? WHY? Daniel Rosenthal explains beautifully:

Big Market

Imagine you’re a middle-aged, upper-middle class male.You live in a large metropolitan area. You have a good job. Your wife does Pilates.  Your oldest just started Kindergarten. Yes, you’re an adult but you’re still cool! Your jeans cost $125. Sometimes you wear sneakers with a blazer!

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Posted: 10th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (6)


Russell Crowe Is Foreskin Man: Actor Purges Twitter Of Baby-Cutting Jews

RUSSELL Crowe is making himself fa shoo-in for the role of Foreskin Man in the movie about the intactivists’ leader. Crowe has been on Twitter to talk about circumcision.

Russell says Foreskins are godly. Crowe says anyone who cuts them off is an inattentive parent. Right now millions of Jews are debating whether to go with God and thousands of years of history or follow Crowe.

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Posted: 10th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)


Dambusters Dog Nigger Renamed Digger: Stephen Fry Casts ‘Paki’ The Terrier In Lead Role

NIGGER, Guy Gibson’s black Labrador, has been renamed Digger for the new film version of the DamBusters raid of WW2.

Digger is, of course, a derogatory name for Australians who pick their noses and bums.

There has been much uproar, not helped by the intolerant Twitter King Stephen Fry saying there is “no question in America that you could ever have a dog called the N-word“.

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Posted: 10th, June 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comments (10)


Rihanna ‘Gropes’ Underage Fan And Parent Goes Mental: Photos

RIHANNA was once a really enjoyable pop-star. Now, she’s a controversy-machine, continually setting out to shock people without letting up, leaving everyone a little tired of the whole thing thanks to overkill.

And now, she’s outraged a mother by apparently ‘groping’ one of her fans who is underage. Of course, ‘underage’ implies that Rihanna groped the fan up her front-garden or something, which clearly isn’t the case or the headline would read ‘Rihanna Rapes Child’. Which she didn’t.

The photos, posted online at MediaTakeOut.com have been complained about by the girl in question’s family, which is invariably the source of great embarrassment to a teenage girl, now set for a life of bullying from her peers, thanks to her Auntie shooting her mouth off like a weird homophobe.

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Posted: 10th, June 2011 | In: Key Posts, Music | Comment


Kim Kardashian Had An ‘Affair’ With Someone You Haven’t Heard Of: Launches Perfume

MYSTIFYINGLY famous Kim Kardashian (she’s the Kardashian sister who had a sex tape online if you can’t tell them apart) is getting married soon, which is obviously wonderful news for all of us adoring fans. She’ll be looking at her vast piles of money and wondering how she’s going to spend it on her special day – unlikely to be her last ‘special day’ in fairness.

She’s blissfully in love with some chap called Kris Humphries, who is some kind of American sports personality, thereby, completely unheard of outside of the United States of America.

What could possibly go wrong?

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Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


The Darkness Presents The Top Ten One-Hit Wonders Of The Noughties

THEY’RE back. Justin Hawkins of The Darkness was on stage at the O2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire in west London, the band’s first show in London after reuniting. Of course, they only had one hit, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”.

Surely, a part on a nostalgia tribute show with other acts surely beckons. Time, then , to present the rest of that line-up of one hits wonders from the Noughties…

The Darkness – 2003

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Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comments (2)


Mega Python vs. Gatoroid: Tiffany Fights Debbie Gibson

WHO is bigger and badder in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid? Is it the huge snake? Is it the massive gator? Is it 1980s pop sensation Debbie Gibson? Or is it 1980s pop sensation Tiffany? Is Tiffany the snake and Gibson the gator? Or vice versa..?

 

Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Cambridgeshire’s Poppy Burge Gets £6k Boob Job As Seventh Birthday Present

SARAH Burge, aka Human Barbie, is the pneumatic, face-filled 50-year-old ambulatory walking cosmetic surgery menu who taught her six-year-old daughter to pole dance like Miley Cyrus.

Burge, of St Neots, Cambridgeshire, is back in the news because she’s given the same daughter a seventh birthday tip – a £6,000 breast enlargement voucher.

Resisting all urges to tuck the voucher into the gusset of Poppy’s Primark paedo bikini, Sarah says:

“Poppy begged me for a boob job, so I gave her the voucher so she can have it after she’s 16, when it’s legal.”

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Posted: 9th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Carol Voderman Wins Rear Of The Year Ahead Of Pippa Middleton’s All Encompassing Bum

DEBT selling number cruncher and policy-advertiser Carol Vorderman has won Rear Of The Year.

The odd thing about this vote is that pretty much no-one has mentioned Voderman since her carcrash appearance on Question Time when she revealed herself to be a mean-spirited, vinegar-faced harridan, provoking thousands of viewers to puke into their hands the second she started talking. About anything. At all.

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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Glamour Women Of The Year Awards 2011 In Photos: Kim Kardashian Beats Asma Al-Assad

THE Glamour Women of the Year Awards 2011 in Photos. You will see Kim Kardashian and a very tall man. Kim is holding the gong for the Entrepreneur of the Year award. It is an appropriate award for the TV star. Other awards to look out for: the Katie Price Privacy Award, the Princess Diana Award for Garden Design, the Pippa Middleton Award for Buttons and the Asma Al-Assad Award For Strength In Adversity…

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Posted: 8th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Noel Gallagher Wants Liam To Come And Ruin A Perfectly Good Wedding

WARRING siblings, Liam and Noel Gallagher, haven’t seen eye-to-beady-eye since they collectively knocked Oasis on the head. A welcome relief for anyone with ears and at least one brain cell.

And thanks largely to the current crop of indie poppers all being dullards in tight, bollock-rupturing jeans, people still look to these bickering feather-cut headed has-beens for something to write about. With Noel getting married to Who Cares?, thoughts go to the fact that when families get together at a wedding, reunions can sometimes end in fistfights on the car park.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment


Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Wife Laughs, Then Probably Cries, In The Face Of Reconciliation

BICEP brained Arnold Schwarzenegger is probably sat somewhere on his own right now, silently weeping over photographs of his family that he destroyed when he forgot to put a condom on while entering his maid and then keeping the resultant child a secret for a decade or so.

He’s probably sent texts to Maria Shriver, his soon-to-be-ex who will take him to the financial cleaners, saying ‘I can change’, which are clearly very funny if you read them aloud in his voice.

Arnold Schwarzenegger And Mildred Patricia Baena’s Love Child Photos

However, Maria is not interested, making it abundantly clear that there’s absolutely no chance of her giving their marriage another try.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) Banned In Britain: Tongues In Cheeks Horror Is Just Sadism

YOU will not be watching Tom Six’s Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), the sequel to the 2009 flick Human Centipede (First Sequence). The BBFC has banned the film for being “tasteless and disgusting”. Yep, notoriety sounds great in the marketing department.

Says Mr Six:

“Thank you BBFC for putting spoilers of my movie on your website and thank you for banning my film in this exceptional way. Apparently I made an horrific horror-film, but shouldn’t a good horror film be horrific? My dear people it is a fucking MOVIE. It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can’t handle or don’t like my movies they just don’t watch them. If people like my movies they have to be able to see it any time, anywhere, also in the UK.”

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment


Chantelle Houghton Is Peta’s Dumb Animal Of The Month

CHANTELLE Houghton is still working for Peta and speaking for those dumb animals. The often leather-clad Big Brother star emeritus, with a penchant for huge Christmas tree-styled tampons and undergoing the surgeon’s knife (using anaesthetic tested on animals) demands that “wild animals” be banned in circuses.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


RIP Gordon Lorenz: You Gave Us The Most Unforgettable Song In Pop Music History

RIP Gordon Lorenz. you wrote the hit song There’s No-one Quite Like Grandma. It was sung by the St Winifred’s School Choir, from Stockport. It was the Christmas number one in 1980, written to mark the Queen Mum’s 80th birthday. It was her reward for longevity.

Is that your legacy? One teeth-melting song? No. You also wrote Matchstalk Men and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs, a tribute to the artist LS Lowry (a man now honoured in an eponymous hotel where Manchester United players take their mistresses, allegedly). That song featured the St Winifred’s School Choir on backing vocals.

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment (1)


Scarlett Johansson’s Comfortable Sex Gifs

SCARLETT Johansson would like it put on the record that she IS ”comfortable” with her sexuality… Says Scarlett Johansson:

“I FEEL comfortable as a young woman – a young, modern, liberal person. I feel comfortable with my sexuality.”

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Paris Hilton Pulls Back Her Curtains: Photos And Mum’s Doggy Socks

“I COOK – I’m a good cook.” That, says Hello!, is just one of the “surprise confessions” that Paris Hilton wants to unburden herself from.

The magazine is meeting with Paris’s mum and dad, Kathy and Rick Hilton, as they shop for things in London.

But where is Paris Hilton? It’s a question few can answer. What is Paris Hilton? Again, it’s hard to define. Who is Paris Hilton? We could go on. But Kathy is keen to take hold of the debate:

It’s more a question of “why not?” than “why?”

So. Kathy will star in Paris’s new TV product, a TV show called The World According To Paris.

When “they” came to Paris with the idea for this show – and how do they think up those titles let alone the content? – Paris mused:

“I think I am ready to do a show where I take the curtain back.”

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Posted: 7th, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment