Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
TAMARA Ecclestone is talking about her life and money in OK!, as she did for Hello! way back in February. Back then she showed off her 17 Hermes Bikrin bags. She told us:
“For me, ‘spoilt’ means ruined, and I don’t feel ruined.”
Now Bernie’s daughter tells us:
“I’ve got about 50 pairs of Louboutins.”
She also tells us that she likes bargain hunting – “I’ve been to sample sale before.”
“I’d like to fade into non-existence until I meet someone.”
(Has Katie Price even been in the same room at the same time as Jordan? – ed)
We are given an insight into the scene in the Sun. A “thug” approaches. He asks:
“Where’s your girlfriend?”
Hello… Is married Dec playing away? No. The Sun explains:
The taunt referred to Ant’s comedy partner Declan Donnelly.
BRITNEY Spears is posing seductively for Out Magazine. Before the photos that are less airbrushing than airmopping, Britney says that she was once Audrey Hepburn, in a former life.
Hepburn went to the great tomato in the sky in 1993. Brit was hatched in 1981.
Other than that they are two peas in a pod: one a petite pois, the other a marafat pea ready to be mushed.
PETA are taking on Mike Tyson, the pigeon fancier formerly the baddest man on Earth. Tyson is on an Animal Planet TV show called Taking On Tyson. We are told:
Tyson, who once claimed that his former “pet” tigers “liked” being punched in the testicles and face, has now added pigeon abuse to his résumé. Racing pigeons are forced to fly hundreds of miles in all weather extremes as they attempt to get home. The pigeons are vulnerable to both natural predators such as hawks and cruel humans who view them as “pests.”
SUSAN Boyle gave Anorak its Photo of 2010. And now she gives us the the best photo of 2011. It’s early in the year but Susan Boyle’s “wee box” will be hard to top.
“PETER & ELEN – SUDDEN SEPARATION”
You might expect the headline to end with an elipse:
Peter And Elen Sudden Separation Form Reality.
But on Page 78, we learn that they pair have separated – he’s gone on holiday to Dubai with his kidzzzz. She’s gone to a “London Oscars party”.
DOES pop fuckwit Peter Doherty have a doppelganger who robbed a record store in Germany. Doherty is in Germany recording a film called “Confession of a child of the Century” (which would make him 11 and below the age of criminal intent.).
Reports from the Bavarian city of Regensburg are that three men were seen breaking into a music store, where they stole a guitar and records, and someone says one of them looked a lot like Doherty.
A German newspaper reports (translation via Google):
Doherty has received a subpoena from the police. In the afternoon, the musicians will be questioned at an undisclosed location to reproach. In addition, said police spokesman Michael Rebele the MDGs, the officials wanted to know from him who he was in the night in question was traveling in Regensburg.
A search of the hotel room on Tuesday evening had brought no further evidence. With a search warrant judicial officials had Doherty’s room in a hotel Regensburg combed through stolen property – without success.
WAKA Flocka Flame is Pete’s Dumb Animal of The Month. The star of PETA’s “I’d Rather Go Naked” drive is a tattooed rapper with a name like a Australian children’s toy barbecue.
SEAN Stewart, son of Rod Stewart, leaves his black shirt unbuttoned to just above his gazey navel, crosses his legs and allows the arm he’s using to dandle a flute of champagne be cradled by his finacee Chantelle Dreeson. Behind them is a black grand piano and a roaring fire.
Chantelle sports long legs, very blonde hair and a copy of what looks like an Archie comic inked onto her right forearm.
They look like a parody of Amsterdam hoteliers welcoming a party of rural German swingers. The interview promises to be special.
Sarah has a wedding planner for her big day. So much the norm. And she also has a ring. It’s a bit like the one Tom gave to her in the Maldives when he proposed. As she says:
“I wanted Sarah to look back on it and think, ‘He got that so right.’”
The question was:
“On a scale of one to five – with one being the best and five the worst – what pop star would you most like to see looking back at you when you have closed your eyes and then suddenly opened them during coitus or a spot of onanism?”
The results are:
10: Chris de Burgh
9: Papa Smurf
PHIL Collins says “no one will miss me“. Collins is not committing suicide – although he does live in Switzerland, where the Government is not insensitive to the effects of fierce civic pride on the psyche.
He’s retiring from music. Yep, you thought he bowed out years ago. But Collins tells FHM that he’s now officially out of music and “I don’t think anyone’s going to miss me. I’m much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely…”
Good of to tell us that he irrelevant and unlamented. God speed, Phil:
“I’m a very different person now. I saw some of this show of mine from 1985 and I was on-stage and I never stopped running, never stopped talking. The fact that people got so sick of me wasn’t really my fault. Yes there was a lot of me to dish out – there was me, me and Earth, Wind & Fire’s Phil Bailey, me and Genesis, me and that movie I was in, Buster – there was a lot of stuff. But I only made those records once.”
CHARLIE Sheen has been on Sheen’s Korner on the internet, an hour long show in which the self-styled tiger warlock creates Sheenisms from the fairy dust and a-grade bogies between his ears.
The UStream webcast featured 100,000 viewers at its peak, almost 99,000 of which were waiting for Sheen’s goddesses to appear and turn down the duvet.
The show can be summed up on one line from Sheen’s elegant mouth:
“Now what? We’re out of material.”
JAMES Allan of Glasvegas performed during the recording of Topman CTRL MX, in Stoke Newington in north London. So too did Veronica Falls. But the star was Edwyn Collins. Good to see him back.
There’s more to music than Simon Cowell’s pap factory…
LOOK out Haiti, Charlie Sheen is bringing his “tsunami” to a pile of crack rock rubble near you. It’s not tasteless to tie your quest for fame to human misery – it’s not like Sheen’s heading to Indonesia.
Sheen tells Access Hollywood that he;ll be travelling with Sean Penn:
“We’re going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we’re heading down (to Haiti). And I’m excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting.”
KATIE Waissel shows she DOES have a heart – for Heart FM’s charity appeal
CHARLIE Sheen, who lives with resting porn star Rachel Oberlin (aka Bree Olson – photos) and Natalie Kenly (aka The Nanny) is talking with Pete Samson, the Sun’s US editor.
Sheen has been getting into character for his role as Colonel Gaddafi in the biopic of the Libyan dictator’s life, unfurling an umbrella up his urethra and declaring himself clean and fit to rule.
Highlights of the interview with the self-styled warlock possessed of curative tiger blood in his veins (this might be the break Julian Sands has been waiting for – the Frosties gig is his to lose) are:
“The Goddesses rule. They rule the kingdom. I got a chance to label them before the world did and now they’re the Goddesses. Those two are like the toughest cats in the room.”
CHARLIE Sheen is escrow to buy a has six bedroom and eight bathrooms $7.5 million pile in Beverley Hills. The current owner is Mike Medavoy, producer of Natalie Portman’s angst and ballet flick Black Swan. Sheen might move in with Bree Olson, star of unapologetic porn. And others might move in too. Sheen sleeps three-to-a-bed just now – with just one bed in each room, there’s enough space for the actor and 17 members of his Porn Family…
IN 1968, the world of pop music was beginning to fragment, as ‘serious’ musicians were began to establish a new order. This sea change was symbolised by a single Beatles number: ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’ – the ‘Ringo song’ from Sgt Pepper. When Joe Cocker released his cover version, the accompanying ad featured a cartoon Starr with a speech bubble that ran: ‘Hey Joe, don’t make it bad… Take a sad song and make it better.’ The contrast between the dapper drummer, pictured in his Carnaby Street clobber, and the wild-looking Cocker could not have been clearer. It was a graphic illustration of the divergent ‘pop’ and ‘rock’ sensibilities that had now emerged.
JUSTIN Bieber arrived at Heathrow Airport after flying in from Los Angeles. And all round him was his minder, who looks tor all the world like a fat Patrick Viera, the fabled Arsenal and France enforcer now going through the motions at Manchester City.
Also there was North London’s very own Adele, a graduate from BRIT School in Croydon. She had no minders.
I asked Elton John if he was cloth diapering Zachary. He looked at me a second and then replied “Well, we use proper nappies.“ I knew immediately that had to be a yes, but to be sure that I did not give false information I had him clarify for me what exactly “proper nappies” were. I asked, so are they reusable or do you throw them away. He said “Well they’re proper nappies, cloth”. You know how awesome I thought that was? Celebrities cloth diapering. Wow…Elton John cloth diapers his son!
It get’s better…
After seeing how important this sort of thing was to me, Elton then informed me that Baby Zachary is thriving off of an awesome diet of Breastmilk!
OVERLOOKING the fact that Hitler liked to kill zer gays, we bring news of John Galliano and Karl Largerfeld. Galliano has been sacked by house of Dior – the fashion palace created by Christian Dior whose niece Francoise Dior married the English Nazi Colin Jordan in 1963.
Galliano is to face trial in Paris over alleged racial insults. He could go to jail for six months, if convicted.
John ” I love Hitler” Galliano wants to explain:
Since the events of last Thursday evening I have not been able to make any public comment on what took place based upon advice from my French lawyer. However, given the continuing delays at the French Prosecutor’s Office I should make my position clear.I completely deny the claims made against me and have fully co-operated with the police investigation.
A number of independent witnesses have given evidence and have told the police that I was subjected to verbal harassment and an unprovoked assault when an individual tried to hit me with a chair having taken violent exception to my look and my clothing. For these reasons I have commenced proceedings for defamation and the threats made against me.
However, I fully accept that the accusations made against me have greatly shocked and upset people.
I must take responsibility for the circumstances in which I found myself and for allowing myself to be seen to be behaving in the worst possible light.
I only have myself to blame and I know that I must face up to my own failures and that I must work hard to gain people’s understanding and compassion. To start this process I am seeking help and all I can hope for in time is to address the personal failure which led to these circumstances and try and earn people’s forgiveness.
I have fought my entire life against prejudice, intolerance and discrimination, having been subjected to it myself. In all my work my inspiration has been to unite people of every race, creed, religion and sexuality by celebrating their cultural and ethnic diversity through fashion. That remains my guiding light.
Anti-semitism and racism have no part in our society. I unreservedly apologise for my behaviour in causing any offence.
NELLY Furtado is donating to charity the cash Saif Gaddafi, the Libyan Colonel’s son, paid her to sing. Beyonce Knowles has already paid the $1million she got for performing for Gaddafi’s boy at Nikki Beach St. Barts on New Year’s Eve 2009 to the earthquake relief efforts in Haiti, over a year ago.
The HuffPost says Mariah Carey and Usher were also paid $1 million to perform for the Gaddafi family.