Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 155

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

I Was Harrison Ford’s Stunt Double: Vic Armstong Writes

VIC Armstrong is the Hollywood stuntman who has written about playing the stunt double for Harrison Ford’s Indiana Jones in three of the adventurer’s films:

The next day we shot the fight around the plane. Harrison and Roach squared up to each other and Harrison threw a punch. “That’s great. Moving on,” said Steven. Now as a stunt co-ordinator my job is to make sure that, on film, those punches look like they’ve connected. I was standing looking right over the lens of the camera and in my opinion it was a miss. Now I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because Steven had called it good, but I thought I’d better say something. “Excuse me sir, that was actually a miss.” He went, “Oh, you again.” I said, “Yeah, sorry, it was a miss.” Steven paused briefly. “Well, I thought it was a hit.” I said, “No, I was actually looking over the lens and it was a miss, I think.” Finally Steven said, “OK, we’ll do it again.” After that take was completed Steven, sarcastically almost, turned to me and said, “How was that?” I went, “That was good. That was a hit.” And we carried on and created a great fight routine. Three days later we were all watching dailies when the shot that I’d said was a miss came on screen. Steven had printed it. The old heart started to go, but sure enough it was a miss and Steven, who was right in front of me, turned round and said, “Good call Vic.” I couldn’t do much wrong after that, it was great.

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Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Film | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Rihanna Shoots A Rapist Dead

POP music has always traded on sex and shock to shift units. Elvis Presley used to gyrate like a man in the bath with a two-bar heater and Madonna made a whole book dedicated to making sheltered people gasp in astonishment (the rest of us were just sickened at the appearance of a shirtless Vanilla Ice).

And so, it isn’t really surprising when a new pop-star comes along and starts talking about taboo things. And, lately, Rihanna has been ramping things up. She made a record called S&M, which saw her talking about how much whips and chains excited her… and now she’s going to kill a rapist on our televisions.

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Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Kim Kardashian’s Pregnancy Photos Make Watermelons Weep

SHORT Kim Kardashian is having a baby with a tall man called Kris Humphries. While we wrestle with her married name being a product of nominative determinism and the sexual imagery, OK! says she is having a baby:

Now the happy couple’s family and friends have an another even more joyful surprise to celebrate: Kim and Kris are going to have a baby!

Fact!

“Kim always thought she’d have at least one or two kids by now, so she’s absolutely in a hurry,” an insider tells OK!. “And Kris loves kids and doesn’t see any reason to wait,” adds the pal. “Her friends are even taking bets on whether it will be a boy or a girl.”

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Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Ryan Giggs Is WAGMAN – Manchester United Sexer Turns Imogen Thomas Lesbian

IMOGEN Thomas is a lesbian. And for that, you lady footballers can thank Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs.

In the Star’s “IMOGEN: SEX WITH GIGGS TURNED ME LESBIAN”, the bald, stressed, sacrificial, de-stressed, ‘raped‘, potential anorexic stripper says she’s off men and into women.

Might this be a new post-footy career for Giggsy – a man who can be hired by Wags to de-sex strumpets? Here’s the ad for WAGMan:

Are you worried about your footballer playing away? Are you anxious that other women are trying to seduce YOUR man? Well, worry no more. Hire Ryan Giggs and turn that secretary/ marketing rep/ translator / Big Brother contestant / MP / mum off men for good! Call 0800-ID-SUPERINJUNCTION-THAT!! NOW!!!!!!

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Posted: 1st, June 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (14) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Teen Singing ‘Throb, Sean Kingston, Critical After Tackling Bridge On Jetski With Head

ADULTS may not be familiar with the name Sean Kingston, but the rampant childbots of the internet are. They love him. They love him a bit like they love Justin Bieber, but not as much because Bieber is much thinner and whiter than Sean Kingston.

Either way, he capture the hearts of youngsters with his hit, ‘Beautiful Girls’, where the junior crooner declared that they made him feel “suicidal“, which is peculiar for a young man with all that life of beautiful girls ahead of him.

However, here comes the awkward twist. See, Kingston is in a critical condition after crashing his jet ski into a Miami Beach bridge. Sean and a female passenger were injured when they careered into the Palm Island Bridge over the weekend.

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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


LeAnn Rimes Shows Off Her Incredibly Thin Body: Dogs Salivate

LEANN Rimes doesn’t just spell her name wrong and make really irritating country-pop while encouraging coal-eyed simpletons to dance atop the bars of the world, shortly before having their stomachs pumped of Jagerbombs.

No, she’s an alleged homewrecker too, running off with some married fella and getting him down the aisle herself before the whole America could throw up its arms in moral outrage.

And now she’s on her honeymoon, she’s having a gay old time, right? Wrong. Because everyone is pointing at her and being sick in their hands as they howl about her noticeable thinness.

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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Justin Bieber Rubs Selena Gomez’s Feet (Photo): He Does It With Girls

IN today’s episode of What Justin Bieber Does With Girls, Justin rubs Selena Gomez’s feet.

Hey, kids – Get. A,. Play. Pen.

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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Joan Collins Advertises Her New York Flat In Hello! – The Expensive Real Estate Mag

JOAN Collins has found a new use for Hello! magazine in these recession-hit times. Joan is using the organ (£2 an issue!) to market her New York home.

Says Joan:

“I’ve got to cut back to three houses.”

Joan is never more at home in her grande dame brand than talking riches with a tongue engorged in her cheek. Joan stands to one side to allows readers to see the room. She adds:

“We had 40 people in this room but it didn’t feel in the slightest bit crowded.”

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Posted: 31st, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Cheryl Cole: Lies, Channel FIVE And Mental Illness

WHAT news of Cheryl Cole? By now you’ll be wondering how she’s getting on in the USA. Are they, like us in the UK, attributing all manner of non-existent attributes upon the Geordie singer?

Well, the Mail tells us:

However, the Daily Mail has learned that since being sacked Mrs Cole has become ‘uncontactable’. She has refused to take phone calls from TV executives,

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Posted: 30th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Sex Chat: Maddox Learns The Facts Of Life

ANGELINA Jolie and Brad Pitt have not been in the news as much as they were when they were adopting a coffee-table book full of children. But now they are back. And they want to talk about sex wand their kidzzzz. Says Pitt in USA Weekend:

“There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.’ They go, ‘Eww, gross!’ But we demand it.”

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Posted: 29th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Bald Imogen Thomas Shags Jermain Defoe As Ryan Giggs Loses Champions League

IMOGEN Thomas… What news? The News of The World tells us:

The beauty snuggled up to old flame Spurs striker Jermain Defoe on a romantic break at luxury health resort Champneys. She is rekindling her romance with him after he supported her through the scandal.

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Posted: 29th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Kim Kardashian’s Ring Contains These Bible Quotes: God Sues

KIM Kardashian’s ring – no, the other one – continues to make news. The story goes that Kris Humphries’s massive rock – not, the other one –  features the etched words of two Bible passages.

Nothing says spiritulity and enshrines God’s wisdom like a £2milion diamond worn on the finger of a woman who chases fame like a fly persues an incontinent dog.

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Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Goes Back To Rehab – Again

REMEMBER the days when Amy Winehouse was famous for being a reasonably exciting singer? Alas, since then, she’s disappeared down a booze hole, leaving her career wide open for lesser acts to cash-in on. We’re looking at you Paloma Faith. And you Adele.

Yep, Winehouse only ever appears on the radar when she’s fallen over after a skinful or, briefly, re-emerged with some hilarious new breasts that looked like floating liquid in a space shuttle.

And now she’s in the news again and, predictably, it isn’t with talk of a new record, but rather, she’s off to rehab again.

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Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Courtney Love Slags Lady GaGa Without A Trace Of Irony

SOME of you might think that Courtney Love is in no position to slate anyone else for anything, ever. And you’d be right because, of all the people in the celebsphere, she’s one of the most grotesque and worrying.

Shall we weigh it all up? She’s famous for being a strung-out heroin addict who had her baby taken off her. She’s a woman who has one of the most unusual faces on Earth thanks to getting plastic surgery from someone we can assume has Parkinson’s Disease. She’s taken to ranting garbled messages on Twitter, some of which attack her only daughter. She’s demented enough to have shagged Michael Stipe. She’s posted pictures of herself online with no clothes on, only to foam at the baps about how there’s some kind of conspiracy against her.

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Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Mariah Shriver And Sarah Ferguson To Form Oprah TV Double Act: Mildred Baena On Jermy Kyle

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger’s son Joe, the one he had with Mildred Baena, used to visit the Spermiantor’s fmaily home and play with his four other kids (number is liable to alteration). But Mrs Arnie, the fragrant Maria Shriver, scion of the Kennedy dynasty and thus a figure virtually reared on tales of extra-martial sex, never knew. To her, the sight of five square-jawed robot-kinder that looked a lot like her husband in place of the four she has with the actor aroused no suspicions.

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Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Hasselhoff’s Sofa Bed News Of The Day: With Louis Spence And Gary Barlow

LOUIS Spence, the tush and teefs star of TV’s Pineapple Dance Studios, shares with heat readers news of his meeting with David Hasselhoff, the torso and teefs star of Baywatch and lately Britain’s Got Talent. When starring together in panto, The Hoff presented La Spence with a Christmas gift bag containing: “A David Hasselhoff bag, Hasselhoff CD, Hasselhoff calendar and signed Hasselhoff picture.”

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Posted: 27th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


JLS And the Gay Jews Of Eyes Wide Open: Photos

TO the screening of the new JLS film in 3D. It’s called Eyes Wide Open. Why is unclear. Maybe it’s a command from the producers to the children who will watch the thing: “Eyes Wide Open! No slouching, or nodding off. There will be questions later.”

Quesions like: Is this the end of JLS? Who put together a guest list that included bits of The Saturdays, One Direction, Harry Derbridge (The Only Way Is Essex), Billie Faiers and a load of others who aren’t too busy to watch a free film at the Soho Hotel in London?

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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Coco Austin Is Fashion Licious: Human Sausage Meat Range In Photos

COCO Austin is heading to your closet. Throw out the romper suits, the shoulder pads and the back panels and hinges – Coco, the walking Chateau Beauvais armoire has fashions. Coco’s range is called Licious – because anything can be licious: Bootylicious, Rooneylicious, Talibanlicious and so on…

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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The People Of Walmart Theme Song: Mr Ghetto Fetches The Mop

HEAR ye! Hear ye! People of Walmart – you have a new anthem.

Mr. Ghetto brings your shopping trolly sex with a space hopper bounce.

This song covers pretty much all of the stuff on sale in Walmart: washing products, children’s clothes, genital wipes, melons, toilet paper, Fruit Loops and that stuff that cleans the detritus of virtual life from your keyboard…

Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Christina Hendricks On How Good Lighting Wins Fair Bosoms

CHRISTINA Hendricks goes on the record to tell us that – yes – her breasts are real. With that established, you can now concentrate on the other parts of Hendricks that attracted you to click on the headline and view this story.

“I hope I’m not encouraging [breast augmentation]. If there’s anything to be learned from me it’s that I’m learning to celebrate what I was born with, even though it’s sometimes been inconvenient. Having larger breasts has made it harder for me to shop throughout the years, but I’ve learned to love it. It’s so bizarre that people are constantly asking if my breasts are real or fake. They’re so obviously real that anyone who’s ever seen or touched a breast would know.”

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Posted: 26th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Justin Bieber Makes Terrifying Pest Perfume

JUSTIN Bieber may well be a matter of seconds old, but that doesn’t stop him from creaming every last penny out of the world’s prepubescent girls.

He’s launched a range of nail varnish as well as a singing toothbrush and, now, he’s behind a girl’s perfume that encourages the cell-sized singer to creep into your room like Dracula with an annoying fringe, only to sniff your neck and fly away like some perverted Peter Pan.

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Posted: 25th, May 2011 | In: Music | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Kerry Katona’s Happiness Dump And Josie Gibson’s Agony

OK! magazine excels itself this week with a photoshopped cover “HOLIDAY EXCLUSIVE” that places Kerry Katona (sunhat, bikini, vim-coloured teeth) beside Big Brother winner Josie Gibson (huge flower in hair, printed smock, jeans, cheap jewellery). One is dressed for a readers’ wives home photos shoot; the other is off to the local shops.

The headline seeks to tie the two reality show winners together with more than bad technology:

“UNITED IN HEARTBREAK – JOSIE AND KERRY FIGHT BACK”

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Posted: 25th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


James Bond Gets Carte Blanche: Throbbing Extracts Of Manhood

JAMES Bond has a new adventure. Thriller writer Jeffery Deaver was apporached by Ian Fleming Publications to write a James Bond novel. (In 2004, Deaver won the Crime Writers’ Association’s Ian Fleming Steel Dagger Award for his book Garden of Beasts.) He agreed. He created ‘Carte Blanche‘.

Says Deaver:

“In the world of espionage, giving an agent carte blanche on a mission comes with an enormous amount of trust and constantly tests both personal and professional judgement. Part of the nonstop suspense in the novel is the looming question of what is acceptable in matters of national and international security. Are there lines that even James Bond should not cross?”

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Posted: 25th, May 2011 | In: Film, Key Posts | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Imogen Thomas Interview: Ryan Giggs Cost Her £100,000 And Her Hair

RYAN Giggs. Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs Ryan Giggs. Nice to be able to actually say his name out loud isn’t it? Thanks for falling on the sword John Hemming MP.

Anyway, all this Ryan Giggs business has been a unravelling farce which no-one can fully agree on.

Either way, there was a situation when many were saying his name over and over, while the press was gagged. The press didn’t like it and were always going to retaliate, which they’ll do in spades to the footballer who has caused his own Streisand Effect.

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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jean-Claude Carrière See Proust Unread On Your Death Bed

IN Today’s edition of We Are Not Worthy, we hear from Jean-Claude Carrière, a script writer:

There are books on our shelves we haven’t read and doubtless never will, that each of us has probably put to one side in the belief that we will read them later on, perhaps even in another life. The terrible grief of the dying as they realise their last hour is upon them and they still haven’t read Proust.

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Posted: 24th, May 2011 | In: Film | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0