Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Last month Ramsay sacked his father–in-law Chris from the family firm. Now Ramsay, vain to the last, writes a letter to his mother-in-law.
(No not his mum. He contacts her in public by phone – or not.)
“This has to be one of the most painful letters I’ve ever had to write. Listening to Tana in floods of tears reading your letter… asking that she stays away from her family is so awfully wrong.”
NIELS Arden Oplev, director of the orgianl screen verison of Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Oplev is not happy with the Hollywood version. For one thing, he’s not directing it. For another Noomi Rapace is unlikely to reprise her role as Lisbeth Salander. Rooney Mara is looking to gt the nod. He tells Word & Film:
“The only thing that’s annoying to me is that the Sony PR machine is trying to make their Lisbeth Salander the lead Lisbeth Salander. That’s highly unfair because Noomi has captured this part and it should always be all her. That’s her legacy in a way I can’t see anyone competing with.
“I hope she gets nominated for an Oscar. I know a lot of Academy members have seen the film and liked it because every time I go to LA I meet so many people who have seen my version of it. Even in Hollywood there seems to be a kind of anger about the remake, like, ‘Why would they remake something when they can just go see the original?’ Everybody who loves film will go see the original one.
“It’s like, what do you want to see, the French version of La Femme Nikita or the American one? You can hope that Fincher does a better job.”
BOOTLEG DVDs are only exceeded in kwality by their covers. Birthers will love “OBAMA: African In The White House”. What of Buffalo Soldiers, the review for which tells us: “Irritating and toothless.” There’s a Lord of Ring – Harry Potter mash-up, for when one huge film is not enough…
THE Pride of Britain Awards 2010. A mawkish, sentimental event to show celebrities doing their bit for the orchestrated care industries. It was created in the era of the mourn porn conductor-in-chief Tony Blair, who went on to say that the NHS was the “pride of the country“.
This made-for-TV pride is for “unsung” heroes. These heroes are ‘ordinary’, as presenter Carol Vorderman says:
No winners are more deserving. Unlike most awards shows these days, they’re not celebrities, but REAL stars – unsung heroes of all ages, whose inspiring stories take your breath away.
And what better to give “REAL” stars perspective – oh for the authenticity of poverty, real breasts and humdrum lives – than loads and loads of jobbing celebs? They are here to validate your ordinariness.
LOU Reed is directing the video of Susan Boyle’s Perfect Day. It’s Boyle’s cynical Christmas hymn. Boyle’s shtick is to take any song and make it churchy. Next year, Boyle will sing The Ace of Spades in the Methodist fashion, followed by an organ-driven version of Smack My Bitch Up.
Scene 1: Boyle walks slowly towards the end of a jetty. The waters are calm. Will she dive in? Is this an advert for Campbell’s soup?
The glinting twilight and moving clouds are like a scene when the hero has just died and the cameras make out his soul has lifted up to Heaven.
Scene 2: Boyle is now engulfed in cloud. She is floating. Each note ends with a ring of a bell. Boyle is no longer just a sign of God’s love for humanity – she is the authentic voice of Mother Nature. She is Gaia thanking us for a perfect day in the bosom of her voice.
DANIEL Radcliffe, forever to be known as Harry Potter, says now he’s all grown up he wants to get a tattoo. But what to get and where to get it?
“I definitely do want to get some tattoos, but I don’t know if the first thing I would rush out to get would be something ‘Harry Potter’ related, because let’s face it, I’m going to have this for the rest of my life anyway as it is, I don’t need a tattoo that says the same.
“I want something I can grow into over the years.”
Anorak suggests “Do Not Resuscitate” – the very ancient swear by it. Something to grow into…
Scarifying Tattoos – A Gallery Of The RevoltingThe Best And Worst Fan Tattoos Ever
Tattoos – Weird And Stupid Ones
Tattoos – Retro Ones
Tattoos – On Your Arse
Tattoos – Super Heroes
Tattoos On Faces – The Mughsots
Tattoos: The Misspelled Ones
SINITTA, Simon Cowell’s jobbing lover emeritus, is telling OK! about the X Factor and Simon Cowell. Says Sinitta on Simon:
“It’s hard to comment on someone’s personal life.”
Go on. Try.
“I used to wish I had married Simon. I was crazy about him. But when I realised it wasn’t going to happen, I adjusted. You’ve got to move on and get over with it.”
Katy Cocktease then talks about herself in Harpers Bazaar:
“I’m a good girl because I really believe in love, integrity, and respect. I’m a bad girl because I like to tease. I know that I have sex appeal in my deck of cards. But I like to get people think ing. That’s what the stories in my music do.”
Bikinis on top
We’ll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh
RIHANNA was there to press the switch and turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield shopping centre. What does the celebrity say at such an occasion?
Do you thank your manger for making it all possible? Do you name check a few stores in the hope of earning more free clobber? Or do you says: “I love London, maybe one day I’d like to have a home here”?
NATALIE Cassidy has a baby and a TV show called Natalie Cassidy: Becoming Mum. Natalie was chiefly famous for being on EastEnders and then embarking on a tabloid career as Fatalie Cassidy,willing tabloid fodder who lost and gained weight whenever a story was needed.
Natalie is now famous for having had a baby. And she’s been rowing on Twitter with the very likable and talented Denise Van Outen, another jobbing celebrity mum.
When Denise had her baybee. Natalie opined:
“Denise van Outen went back to work after two weeks because she said she needed to feel normal again. I just think, ‘What have you had a child for? Having a child should be your job’”
Denise is watching Natalie on the telly. She goes on Twitter:
“Natalie Cassidy criticised me for going back to work after having Betsy. Natalie’s on Lorraine show now promoting her reality pregnancy/new mum show. Isn’t that work????”
No. That, Denise, is reality. DVO goes on:
“She said she did the show for money, so yes, that is work. Pot calling!!!!”
KATY Perry knows that sex sells. We’ve compiled a few Gifs of Katy going about her work and putting thoughts in your dirty minds. She’s now married to Russell Brand. There’s no celebrity sex tape of the pair. Beneath the sauce, Katy is conservative, religious girl. Our money is on Katy turning Russell on – to Jesus Christ…
WANT to know how Ozzy Osbourne has endured so much booze, drugs and Sharon Osbourne? Well, geneticist Nathaniel Pearson says Ozzy is a “mutant“.
He has “several genetic mutations that may explain how he’s lived so long“.
This news comes on the day Keith Richards signed his autobiography ‘Life‘ at Waterstone’s in Piccadilly – in green shoes.
Or is he a mutant, too. Are those shoes sandals..?
PINK want you to beat up your kids. She wants you to play Hole in The Wall at home – without the holes. Pink needs to grow without her audience, some of whom might have children by now.
It’s no good dry humping the microphone when the kids need feeding and you’re tucking your nipples the elasticated waistband on your ComfiSlax. the fans look to Pink for guidance. And she says give them a wallop:
“I think parents need to beat the crap outta their kids… I think the whole spanking thing and how it’s gotten all PC (politically correct) is for the birds. My dad put me through a wall; it’s the only reason I’m still alive. I deserved it. I would have kicked me out when I was eight… I was not comfortable with authority or rules. I was bad.”
This show has already earned some great reviews, like this from the BBC’s Denise Winterman:
It’s [Essex] arguably the most-maligned 1,300 square miles in the UK.
Well, yes – arguably. And Newcastle is a different shape.
PETER ANDRE wants to talk about “MY LOVE FOR KATE”.
In case that is not enough the Daily Star hits readers again on the front page:
“Jordan broke my heart… but I’m hers forever.”
And if you have still failed to grasp the message, here’s more:
Peter Andre is “pining for ex”.
Sentimental Peter has penned a song just for Katie. The tune is called Mercy On Me. It’s off Peter’s new album that you can buy from…
TO London’s Golden Square for a sexy tomato fight between Katy Perry would-be K.Pez (aka Delia Marie Williams) and Lady Gaga look-alike – only sexier – Maybe Gaga (Victoria Cluskey). The stunt was to promote the MTV Awards in Madrid. It’s all hideous PR and exploitation. Here are the pictures for you to disapprove of – the tomatoes were non-organic…
STEPHEN Fry says something about sex with women – and women writers find something to write about. They take time out from shagging and catting (female dogging to those of you who, like Fry, are uninvited to the secret female sex cruises) to write about stuff. Laurie Penny sees it a chance to write a report for her university lecturer:
Instead of solidarity in the face of a heteronormative patriarchy that oppresses all of us, there remains a chasm of suspicion and misunderstanding that obstructs genuine solidarity between women and gay men. Fry’s words are a perfect expression of that process of mutual incomprehension, a process whereby our culture has become so alienated from its own sexuality that erotic impulses can never be a point of community, only of difference.
Yes. Whatever you say, luv…
LILY Allen is no longer pregnant, having lost her baby. She was six months pregnant. Sad news. For her. It is a bereavement. But to the tabloid media and grandstanding celebrities looking to show strangers how much they care it is a matter of national solidarity and orchestrated mawkish pity. The front-page headline commands readers to:
“SAY A LITTLE PRAYER”.
For a paper that sucked up regurgitated ever line Alistair Campbell spun – he who told Tony Blair: “I’m sorry, we don’t do God” – this looks like opportunism to get a celebrity on the cover. But, then, we read on and realise that Lily Allen is the source of the quote. She went on Twitter to tell her followers (fans and showbiz hacks looking for a quote on a slow new day):
“Say a little prayer.”
ANNA Chapman, nee Anna Kushchenko, the sexy Russian spy with the looks of mid-ranking East European tennis player – the spy who shagged at least two British man and obtained no official secrets while doing so – is to be TV star on state-run Rossia television, Interfax reports. Does Sky Sports have an equivalent in Russia? Or The Adult Channel..?
COCO Austin and a bevy of celebs attended Heidi Klum’s Halloween do.
Stylebrity has more. But how do you follow this?
STEPHEN Fry has flounced off Twitter almost a year to the day he last quit twitter (the migratory bird of habit is back) and – whatsitpopsit – over the kerfuffle over his words in Attitude magazine that woman don’t like sex as much as straight men. Says he in an attempt to extend his 140 character wit limit:
“If women liked sex as much as men, there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas.”
There are, Stephen. There is the buffet at the David Lloyd club in Bushey, Herts; the Princess Diana memorial between the horus of 2:am and 3am every Third Sunday in the month; France.
“Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking, “God, I’ve got to get my ******* rocks off”, or they’d go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to s**g behind a bush.”
IS Jonathan Ross’s Halloween Party the best one in London? Did you go to his house in Hampstead, north London and extort sweets with menaces? Meanwhile, next door, they were braving scary issues like teen suicide, unwanted children and extreme violence by watching EastEnders. Scary stuff. Photos:
THIS week’s big NoTW scoop – the paper is now behind a paywall – is that Peter Andre is having sex. Yep, it is just like the last week’s NoTW scoop, wherein we learnt that Peter was having sex with one Angela Mogridge. Or what of the scoop that he’d been shagging Maddy Ford, the former glamour mo-del.
The NoTW called her “a graphic designer”; but she turns out to be more graphic dancer, part of group called Million Dollar Babes, an entertainer as happy in a bikini, cradling her bosom, sucking suggestively on a lolly suggestively as she designing new fonts (photos).
She’s the type of woman Peter might have been referring to when in reference to his ex-wife Katie Price he said:
“I want a different type of girl.”
THE Elton John AIDS Foundation Ball photos: The great and good rocked up to the American Embassy in south London to mingle with Elton’s mates. Liz Hurley bulged; Graham Norton modelled bird shit chiq on his jacket; Gemma Arterton looked, well, good (don’t tell her – she hates it); Tamara Ecclestone continued her quest for a signature tan; but the star was the ubiquitous Hofit Golan. Who is she? What does she do? Remind us…
CHERLY Cole, the X Factor judge, is to get tattoos of a swing seat, hedge trimmers and small statuette of a bearded man straddling an obelisk. She draws the line at the patio heater tattoo, because it “damages the environment, and she, as an icon, owes a debt of responsibility to her fans”.
Cheryl already sports a strip of barbed wire and leafy growth about her legs and name plaque on the rear or her neck. Cheryl is modelling her skin on a front garden, or an ambitious window box…