Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THE Chase & Status video for Blind Faith is nostalgia as it is meant to be: raw; plain; grainy, smoky, and most likely a false memory. It’s a piece of music telly created by director Daniele Wolfe on a VHS camcorders. (You can tell because the skin is not grey enough and Michaela Strachan’s not trying to get in.)
This is a great video. Well, I was there. Am I in the video? Can you spot me? Or are you growing dewey-eyed from when life was simple and hot knives and hoodies didn’t mean a kebab-shop stabbing?
THE X Factor has been won by…the Hoosiers:
JOHN Lennon died 30 years ago. In a media keen for easy news and nostalgia this is billed as a landmark. Over on the NME website, the guru’s of pop have created a homepage that pays tribute to the man shot dead by Marc Chapman. It’s touching and sensitive stuff…
X FACTOR 2012: You’ve met candidate Lori Watt, now meet Mark Gormley. He’s the star of the greatest pop video of them all…
MICHAEL Douglas has cancer. He does not have long to live. He is getting stronger every day. The US tabloids take a look at his condition. Hmmmmm… We may need a third opinion. What says you, National Enquirer?
THE X Factor is building to a dreary climax. The entertainers are gone and we are left with Dot Cotton’s mini me (Cher Lloyd); a five piece ensemble called One Direction who are a shoo-in to front a campaign to make all boys carry a clean hankie in their pockets; and Matt Cardle, a nice singer of nice songs.
So. Here’s to next year’s finalists. And in 2012, we will surely thrill to Ladies Chill in my Veins by Lori Watt:
FOR those of you having trouble finding Gisele Bündchen’s eco-Ark, the good news is that the green Bodicea has lashed out 47,500 on fairy lights to make her LA mansion visible for miles around, a green beacon of hope. Green stars Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt, can see it s flies over,
Sources close to the couple tell us … G&T placed an order with A-1 Christmas Trees and Lights in L.A. on Tuesday — purchasing two twelve-foot Christmas trees … and a whole mess of lights for their house … totaling approximately $7,500.
MEL Gibson is back as the star of The Beaver. Jodie Foster directs Mel as a man with puppet on his hand. It’s a beaver and Mel treats it as if it were real. His character name is Walter Black (*note a gang-banging black – just a white man with a rodent on his hand).
The script for this gem was top of the 2008 Black List of the best unproduced screenplays in Hollywood. And if you don’t want to see the odious Mel running about the place talking to a beaver glove, you have no love of culture. The film sounds fantastic.
HARRISON Ford is flogging his New York flat for $16m. Want to have a look around the 5,500-square-foot penthouse loft at 206 West 17th Street? He paid just over $5m for it in 2002. It now has the recession-busting Harrison factor. It’s also got concrete floors. It’s got lots anigre wood (a light tan heartwood). The kitchen has soapstone countertops. It’s got a 2,330 square feet terrace. It’s got four bedrooms and 4 and a half bathrooms. It’s got your name written all over it…
RIHANNA is the stuff of adolescent dreams in January’s GQ magazine. She looks a bar of confectionary with a creamy filling. You can read the ingredients down the side. It’s all overt and sexually suggestive. Says Rihanna:
“Public figures can become annoying. They see me a lot and every time they see me my a** is out or my boobs are out, so it can get a little irritating. I get that. But I have to do what makes me happy, what I feel like doing.”
AMANDA Knox is not only a murderess appealing against her conviction for her part in the brutal killing for Meredith Kercher, she is a muse, inspiring a TV film called the The Amanda Knox Story. It’s a title that reduces Kercher to an extra in the made-for-TV film of her death.
The talk is of text messages between the two. One night, Clark claims, there were over 100 texts. There is no proof of the pair having had a physical relationship – Woodward and Andre both say it was platonic – but this NoTW exclusive needs wings, so Carole Aye Maung and Neville Thurlbeck write:
Over the next few days Lee’s phone records show Pollyanna and Peter continued texting furiously.
What about frantically? Or orgasmically? Can you text ruttingly?
And then we get:
He knew his wife – the daughter of a bishop – had met Peter at a dinner hosted by OK! magazine boss Richard Desmond
Anyone else read that and feel a sneer creeping on their face? A Channel Five presenter is making front-page news about alleged dalliances with an OK! stalwart. Yep. Channel Five and OK! are both owned by Richard Desmond.
NICOLE Scherzinger introduced the crowd to Minnie Mouse – The Fetish Club Years at the Capital FM’s Jingle Bell Ball at the O2 Arena, London. Fergie and her Black Eyed Peas wowed the cool kids; Alexandra Burke showed us that with Ollie Murs, the X Facctor can produce middle of the road music beyond the show’s TV season; and Duffy lifted her skirts. We took photos…
WIKILEAKS founder and destroyer Julian Assange is in London. Meatloaf is out hunting on a tour of the UK.
He wants to cut off Julian’s toes:
JUSTIN Bieber took his mime act from the X Factor to the Mayfair eatery La Porte Des Indes. Bieber entered the restaurant a boy. He left a man. The service was not slow. It’s just that when Bieber left he had on his top lip a black line, a King Creole moustache of masculinity. The talk was of it being put there by a pen, perhaps to disguise Bieber and make him look m ore like Hilary Swank between pluckings…
It being part of their therapy and re-emergence into decent society.
“They know who they are, and I’m truly sorry.”
SO, THERE were the 60 finalists of the Miss Great Britain beauty pageant dressed in bikinis and one-piece swimmers outside the front of Weston-super-Mare Pier in -2 degrees C. The frozen smiles were the real thing…
KATIE Price has been banned from driving for six months. At Crawley Magistrates’ Court, Price is found guilty of doing 83mph in a 70mph zone on the A23 in West Sussex. she is fined £1,000 fine with £100 costs.
Price had tried the Prince Diana defence. Her solicitor, Robin Sellers, says:
“About nine minutes before she was caught, she pulled over and in a state of exasperation asked that another enforcement officer could have a word with a couple of members of the paparazzi who were following her.”
BRANDY Norwood will stand trial in a $6million lawsuit brought by Anorak’s pal DJ Marc Mysterio.
Marc’s claim is that Brandy accepted a $10,000 fee (read the documents here) to feature on his hit song Shout It Out. She then did not sing. Marc tells us:
“I’m glad that the judge denied Brandy Norwood’s request to delay the trial until Fall 2011 and hope that this is resolved shortly, however, I’m a proactive guy and rather than sit home and cry about the situation and move to another project, my focus right now is on promoting my song SHOUT IT OUT as is, without her, writing new verses for it, and finding the best possible singer for these new verses. No one can replace Brandy Norwood, but just because she dissed us, doesn’t mean we will give up, now or ever!”
Well, thanks to Brandy and the court case, the PR is going great guns…
THE good news is that Kelly Brook is throwing her weight behind England’s World Cup bid for 2018. Says Kelly:
“People always get really excited when major sporting events come here, which shows how important sport is to people across England.”
Yeah. Whatever she said:
LILY Allen and Kate Middleton are two peas in a pod. Allen hasn’t been in the news much latterly, so the time is apt for her to go on Twitter and called Daily Mail gossak Katie Nicholl (can we coin that word?) a “CUNT” and her column “shitty”.
Katie Nicholl’s crime was to suggest that Lily was all set to marry her lover Sam Cooper. Lily Allen’s response is to say,
“…you know nothing about the intimate details of my life. There’s a time and a place for your musings where I’m concerned, and it’s not now“.
Lily fails to read Nicholl’s work and realise that eventually Nicholl may well be right – as she was proved to be in the case of her invaluable insights into Kate Middleton and Prince William. Here’s a short history of Katie’s works:
KANYE West is interviewing Rihanna for Interview magazine. It’s hideous stuff that, as with all bad journalism, reveals more about the hack than the subject. Maureen O’Connor says its like “a Jack Russell terrier burying its face in your crotch and humping”. It is. But it’s more like Jonathan Ross, Jay Leno, Michael Parkinson or any other celebrity interviewer whose only interest is thin themselves. The highlights are here:
KANYE WEST: Whuzup?
RIHANNA: Hey. How are you?
WEST: I’m good. I’m just out here in this retarded-ass studio- Peter Gabriel’s studio.
RIHANNA: Where? In London?
WEST: Yeah. Like two hours out.
RIHANNA: That’s dope.
MARC Mysterio tells us that he will not be touring the US Tour because he doesn’t fancy being fisted by TSA guards at the airport. The Obamas are not averse to the fist. And not every music star has the constitution of the average barber’s shoppe quartet or trad jazz ensemble.
TO The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Voyage Of The Dawn Trader premiere in London’s snowy and gritty Leicester Square. Laura Brent, Georgie Henley, Liam Neeson and Anna Popplewell preened and posed. Downturn Abbey writer Julian Fellowes posed with someone called Emma Kitchener-Fellowes, who looked like the reincarnation of Falco, the Austrian singer who sang Amadeus.
PROPERTY Porn time again, readers, as we take look at global warming activist Sheryl Crow’s home, which is for sale by auction. It’s in Middle Tennessee, which may or may not be a real place. (Wonder if you can see Al Gore’s Peoples’ Ark from the pool?)
I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefulness. I have designed a clothing line that has what’s called a “dining sleeve.” The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another “dining sleeve,” after usage. The design will offer the “diner” the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.
Green Sheryl is selling her gigantic home:
6662 Cross Keys Road is 150+/- Acres, 10,264+/- Sq Ft Home; Gated Entry with Security System; Brick Construction [she’s showing off]; Five Bedrooms; Seven Full Baths; One Half Bath [bring your own toilet paper]; Six Car Attached Garage; Private In-Law or Nanny Quarters; 3 Bedroom, 2 Bath Guest House; Additional residence on farm (with Life Estate); Fourteen Stall Barn; Indoor Riding Arena with lighting and sprinkler system; Theater Room; Music Studio- Incorporating additional living space; Salt Water Pool & Spa with Pergola; and recording studio.
An it is all “in a French style”. Because the French love that sort of stuff. Just love it.