Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
CAPTAIN Beefheart RIP. Here he is in interview. The quality of the video seems to fit. Remember:
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen’t shake, eat another piece of bread.
This is the (Christmas pussy song). All other Christmas pussy songs are fakes.
We don’t know if she kissed Santa. But she most likely knows someone who has…
FIRST Usher is kicked in the head by a fan. Now The New York Fire Department is at the venue for Sean “Diddy” Combs new album launch. There is a fire. Diddy Man is OK but the woman sat in his bath tub has a shorter, curlier wig than usual as what passes for her hair catches fire.
The whole thing looks like a put up job. If anything was burning it that room, the crew would be hanging over the source and taking it in deep.
LIZ Hurely and Shane Warne are the talk of the tabloids. Before that sensation hits the newsstands, Liz, women whose primary sexual characteristics remain her chief selling point, had offered up a Tweet on November 3 2010 that marks her out as a having a rich future reprising the great British sex comedy:
Sammy sends you a special lick and says he’d like to put his silky head on your shoulder.
ZIP on your hair and set the Photoshop gage to “Dipped in double cream” – the Kardashian family are ready for their Christmas cards close ups. Sending out photos of yourself is such an American thing. They fails to realise that to really cheer up your mates and those people who live in your address book but not your life you need to send them a photo of you looking destitute, plain and morose. Perhaps, even, insert a long rambling note about how your life is a failure, bemoaning your children’s descent into socialite porn and that the lizard peoples are to blame. Give your card recipients hope, joy and something to talk about over the turkey drummers…
THAT Usher chap is no Akon. When Akon gets a fan on stage he dry jumps and leaves nothing to chance. Usher hauls the fan and stage and wants to look more lover than jack rabbit. He bumps. He grinds. He spoons. She goes to flip her leg over his head to give him a view of her fanbase and smacks him in the face.
DID you, perchance, see the Kesha show at the O2 Shepherds Bush Empire? This was her debut concert in the UK. The show lasted 56 minutes. Dave Gilmour’s prog-rock Charlie Gillmour’s Austerity Past, Present and Pluperfect has a longer intro. Still, does Charlie’s song feature a woman who looks a bit like John Travolta in Ian Botham’s old hair, with blue lips, and a 1980s hairdresser’s wardrobe performing a sex act with a cymbal? Back to the drawing board, Dave…
IN this week’s OK! you can read: “KATIE PRICE – LEAVES HUSBAND ALEX.”
The grey zone is where truth and OK! collide. On page 43, Katie is the subject of a new teaser:
“KATIE PRICE SAYS, DESPITE THE RUMOURS, SHE’S TILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HER HUSBAND ALEX REID”
GOOD news that Scarlett Johansson is getting divorced from her husband Ryan Reynolds. Despite frequent requests by Old Mr Anorak’s office for them to attend his annual Swing And Ming-le festival, there had been reply. It became clear that both were monogamous people.
Now they have split, Old Mr Anorak invites them, independently, to chillax with him at the at his Camp Ping-Pong single’s Fortnight on the Thai coast. Pack light.
DID George Lucas get inspiration for Star Wars heavy breather and stuff shirt Darth Vader and C-3PO, respectively, from Vajen-Bader–style helmets for German (menacing black one) and French (flashy golden one) firefighters?
The masks are from between the mid-1800s and World War I.
BASSHUNTER, the former Big Brother star and keen fisherman, also known as Jonas Erik Altberg, is alleged to have sexually assaulted two women in Kirkcaldy’s Kitty nightclub, Fife, on December 10, 2010.
He has been released on bail. He’s flown back to his native Sweden. Basshunter’s management say the allegations are “untrue”.
Incredible, isn’t it? Sweden is yet again setting the news agenda. This is the fourth Sweden-featured scandal in a matter of days:
Shrien Dewani is alleged to have played a part in the murder of his new wife, Swedish national Anni Dewani.
KATIE Price is pregnant. It’s front-page news in the Daily Star, which can always be relied upon for facts. Get a load of that headline:
Baby Joy For Jordan
And for anyone still confused, or who think the headline is wrong:
Good news for Kate and Alex
But wait a moment. By Gemma Wheatley has more:
Jordan’s new honey blonde hair is a secret signal that she is finally pregnant again, her fans reckon.
Jordan… Secret… Katie Price would keep a pregnancy a secret?
In an interview, Kate, 32, said: “I’ve always happened to be blonde when I’m pregnant. It’s really weird. So worry if I’m blonde!”
SUSAN Boyle remains impervious to the Americanisation process. Her chest, teeth and skin tones are her own. She is just a human being, of course. But when she burst onto the scene, Boyle was a symbol of God’s love. Boyle was signing copies of her book The Woman I Was Born To Be in Glasgow’s St Enoch’s Centre today.
But back then, Boyle was the antidote to the vanity of our age. She as an angel, whose looks were a totem to feminists who desperate for an argument saw in a face a sign that women could now be “ugly” and accepted.
X FACTOR 2011: Introducing The Captain and Tennille’s poptastic song Muskrat Love.
Finalist so far:
“They are saying it is ok to ridicule people – even children – for disability in a way they would not dare over race or sexual orientation.”
The News of the World’s Stephen Moyes and Tina Campanella are pretty adamant:
LIZ Hurley has been caught in a steamy affair behind her husband’s back with cricket legend Shane Warne.
Anorak readers will recalls Liz’s wedding to Arun Nayar. The do began in 2007 and seems to have ended a few short weeks ago. Hello! magazine invested £2 million to secure the rights to broadcast the wedding.
We salivated over a 53-page album of “non-stop festivities”, “Bollywood dancing” and “spectacular fireworks”.
There was a meal of curry and, in clear tribute to Arun’s roots and glamour, spiced peas.
We chortled and begged for more when Liz’s father-in-law told us in his wedding speech:
“I once thought Liz was a lovely, unspoiled woman, but now I see that she is a very hard person. It was important for her to get celebrity faces there. That’s what the Hello! deal was about. She was fulfilling her contractual obligation. I knew she was very ambitious, but I never realised just how desperate she is for fame and attention.”
Because when you are a child star growing up and looking to empathise with the cool kids who buy records, you make sure your antics are not filmed. Your reputation is all. What went wrong? WHAT!?
ONE Direction’s bandmate Harry Styles fancies The Saturdays singer Frankie Sandford. Indeed. As anyone who has followed the celebrity press knows, Sandford’s role is to be fancied; her shaggability used to promote a band that has yet to produce a signature hit and look anything but a Girls Aloud tribute act. To date the woman on the books of the same music company Simon Cowell and Cherly Cole shills for has been fancied by or fancies:
* One Direction’s Nial Horan
* Ashley Cole – former husband to Cheryl Cole
FRANKIE Boyle is not funny. He is Jerry Sadowitz lite, a by-the-book gag man trying to say the unsayable to an expectant crowd who feign shock and cackle as he does another paedo gag. Here’s his gag about a blind child have sex with Katie Price:
“I have a theory about the reason Jordan married a cage fighter – she needed a man strong enough to stop Harvey from f***ing her…”
THE Chase & Status video for Blind Faith is nostalgia as it is meant to be: raw; plain; grainy, smoky, and most likely a false memory. It’s a piece of music telly created by director Daniele Wolfe on a VHS camcorders. (You can tell because the skin is not grey enough and Michaela Strachan’s not trying to get in.)
This is a great video. Well, I was there. Am I in the video? Can you spot me? Or are you growing dewey-eyed from when life was simple and hot knives and hoodies didn’t mean a kebab-shop stabbing?
THE X Factor has been won by…the Hoosiers:
JOHN Lennon died 30 years ago. In a media keen for easy news and nostalgia this is billed as a landmark. Over on the NME website, the guru’s of pop have created a homepage that pays tribute to the man shot dead by Marc Chapman. It’s touching and sensitive stuff…
X FACTOR 2012: You’ve met candidate Lori Watt, now meet Mark Gormley. He’s the star of the greatest pop video of them all…
MICHAEL Douglas has cancer. He does not have long to live. He is getting stronger every day. The US tabloids take a look at his condition. Hmmmmm… We may need a third opinion. What says you, National Enquirer?
THE X Factor is building to a dreary climax. The entertainers are gone and we are left with Dot Cotton’s mini me (Cher Lloyd); a five piece ensemble called One Direction who are a shoo-in to front a campaign to make all boys carry a clean hankie in their pockets; and Matt Cardle, a nice singer of nice songs.
So. Here’s to next year’s finalists. And in 2012, we will surely thrill to Ladies Chill in my Veins by Lori Watt: