Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JAMES Blunt prevented World War 3, says James Blunt. He did this by allowing his tunes to be played to inmates at Guantanamo Bay over and over and over as an alternative to waterboarding and upsetting the Chinese. Well, no. Says Blunt of an Army trip to Kosovo in 1999:
“We had 200 Russians lined up pointing their weapons at us aggressively. The direct command [that] came in from general Wesley Clark was to overpower them. Various words were used that seemed unusual to us. Words such as ‘destroy’ came down the radio.”
“Destroy… Blunt….Records…Over… Destroy… Blunt…Records… Over…”
“The soldiers directly behind me were from the Parachute Regiment, so they’re obviously game for the fight.”
So. You led them in a singsong and got them well up for the kill?
“There are things that you do along the way that you know are right, and those that you absolutely feel are wrong. That sense of moral judgment is drilled into us as soldiers in the British army.”
Moral Judgement 1: Do not attack an Amy bigger than your own.
“It didn’t come to that. British general Sir Mike Jackson sent an admonishing message down the wire. [His] exact words at the time were, ‘I’m not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting world war three’. [He] told us why don’t we sugar off down the road [and], you know, encircle the airfield instead.”
Blunt says the action could have “absolutely” started World War 3. And prevented James Blunt from recording You’re Beautiful.
You win some; you lose some…
CAN looking up Katy Perry’s skirt and down her top make the BBC Teen Awards a hit? At the Hammersmith Apollo, London, Perry wore a dress with the candy machine dispenser over her veejay. For the teens. Especially for those teens stood in the front row with camera phones.
Russell Brand does not you like pictures up his wife’s skirts. But where was he to save the day?
In photo 4, Katy obliges the congregation with a stoop into the crowd. She’s a modern day Saint Agatha is Katy, a god-fearing, breast carrying entertainer waiting to be painted in your adoration…
PARIS Hilton pulls the Tennis Girl pose, lifting the hem of her top to show her backside in a pose made famous by Martin Eliott’s poster photo. Paris Hilton is all about harnessing someone else’s eroticism, channelling former glories, awkwardly. Before this she was a gawky Marilyn Monroe, a bottle of her new scent – Tease – aimed at her slightly parted lips.
As 14 says: “COME ON, just go ahead and forge the bottle to appear a bit more phallic and show Paris slobbering all over the bottle’s tip.”
WHO better to turn on the Manchester illuminations than Cock-er-ney geyser Damon Albarn and his Gorillaz? The answer is most likely Geordie not Joe McElderry, who was also there to perform at the M.E.N. arena. In any case, it’s a rhetorical question and Take That were busy…
JEDWARD, Simon Cowell’s legacy, were flogging the Nintendo DS Dragon Quest IX medieval village opening in London’s Covent Garden. In true X Factor style Jedward gave the video game lots of energy and made the DS their own.
John and Edward are, of course, pathetically crap singers and worse dancers. But they were the most entertaining thing on last year’s X Factor.
JUSTIN Bieber has met with Jon Ronson in San José, California. The highlights of that interview are:
The Inner Girl:
Bieber’s Xbox Avatar is a “small black girl wearing a plaid skirt”
His favourite YouTube videos:
Bieber: “There’s a video called Arab Screaming that’s really funny. It’s an Arabian guy who starts screaming. It’s just hilarious. You should see it. Go.”
Does he read online comments?
“‘You’re so stupid’, ‘Your song sucks’, I even get, ‘You’re gay’ for no apparent reason. What’s the point of that? But then I remember there’s so many people who like my videos who don’t even comment. When I like a video I don’t waste my time commenting. But people who hate you – they’re going to take time to hate you.”
Ronson: “Do you ever feel wistful for the days before you were famous?” I ask.
Bieber: “I’m living my dream and I’m just enjoying every minute of it.”
The Hip Square:
Bieber: “I can do a Rubik’s Cube in a minute and a half,” he says.
“Whatever state it’s in?” I ask.
“Are you a genius?” I ask.
“I wouldn’t say a genius, but I can do a Rubik’s Cube. And sudoku puzzles.”
Bieber: “Singers aren’t supposed to eat dairy before a show but we all know I’m a rule breaker.”
The Heebie Bieber
He recites the first line of the Shema – the Jewish morning and evening prayer – getting it syllable perfect: “Shema Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai ‘Ehad.” He pauses. “Christianity was based off of Jesus being a Jew,” he says.
Bieber: “I…” Justin says. “I have a small case of ADD.”
Ronson: “How does it manifest itself?” I ask.
Bieber: “If I don’t understand something, and I’m bored, I don’t pay attention, so my teacher has to really make it fun for me. Every hour he has to give me a five-to 10-minute break. But after the break I’ll be back into it. I’ll be good.”
Ronson: “Have you actually been diagnosed with ADD?”
Bieber: “No. It’s self-claimed.”
The Bieber Descends:
“The huge steel-framed hot air balloon basket is designed to fly me out over the crowd, dipping not quite low enough for them to touch, but close enough for me to see all those beautiful faces.”
Love In The Time Of Bieber
Ronson: “How will you ever find a girlfriend who won’t just spend the whole time thinking, ‘It’s Justin fucking Bieber’?”
Bieber: “That’s what’s hard about this. There are so many girls who would just do anything for me because of my status. Someone told me it’s great to be with somebody who has just as much to lose as you do.”
Nearby, there’s a larger-than-life-size cardboard cutout of Justin. The real Justin wanders over to it. “Who are you looking at, buddy?” he mutters. He punches it in the face.
“No one can say my life isn’t unpredictable, interesting and… well, Fryish…”
Because talking about oneself in the third person is so ordinary…
10:59: “No tweeting for 2 mins.”
11:00: “Winner of comp of guessing when i will reach 125k followers @benrichie with guess 10:45 today, well done, will dm you how to get signed book.”
MIKU Hatsune stomps on Cheryl Cole and all the manufactured popstars. Here’s a video of thousands of Japanese music fans swaying along to a singing synthesizer application and its hologram female singer called Miku Hatsune.
Forget the need for flesh and blood Cheryl Coles miming, lip-syncing and auto-tuning their voices to look like singers. Just cut to the chase and create the woman you want to shag and plug her in.
“I’ve never really been a very forthcoming person about my personal stuff. Why do I have to talk about this in front of the world? It’s a little strange”.
Hey, what the world demands, you must deliver unto, Mariah. She duly goes on to tell us about her progesterone treatment and:
“If you really look at my life, I’ve never had a personal life, or if did, it was just wearing masks and it’s not existing, you know?”
Not sure. Might have to wait for the autobiography…
No, it’s not Danni Minogue giving Cheryl make-up tips.
And, noooo, it’s not Cheryl getting the Aimee Walton look in a bid to seduce the Chelsea and England player.
It’s just a spot of fun…
BLUBBERELLA is Uwe Boll’s new film. It’s about a plus-sized vampire who kills Nazis. We last saw his work in a Death Camp cook-‘em-up.
KATIE Price is on the Loose Women TV show. She alludes to a bad experience with cosmetic surgery in the US. And then the woman with breasts named after a country (and you thought they only had their own postcode) offers some advice for viewers:
“I would have thought going to America would be the best place. That they’d look after you well. But I would advise anyone not to go to America – always have it done in England. You can’t beat the NHS.”
ROSS Kemp is a dad for the first time. The former EastEnders hard man who hangs about with hard men on a show for Sky telly about hard men – Kemp most likely grades his male friends by Moh’s scale – is a dad by his ex-lover Nicola Coleman. Says Kemp in the Mail:
“I don’t speak about my private life. A child is always a blessing.”
No comment is still a comment…
MILEY Cyrus was at an Asda in Spondon, Derbyshire, to promote her new range of outwear for George At Asda. Wal-Mart owns Asda. Miley is a person of Walmart. The range is called Miley And Max; the Max part being a reference to Max Azria, which may be a made-up name. Sadly, kids, you can’t get the real Miley look which consists of tight gusset gear and a splash of flesh and side boob. She’s getting older. The teen stage is cashing in before it all goes pear shaped…
Last month Ramsay sacked his father–in-law Chris from the family firm. Now Ramsay, vain to the last, writes a letter to his mother-in-law.
(No not his mum. He contacts her in public by phone – or not.)
“This has to be one of the most painful letters I’ve ever had to write. Listening to Tana in floods of tears reading your letter… asking that she stays away from her family is so awfully wrong.”
NIELS Arden Oplev, director of the orgianl screen verison of Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Oplev is not happy with the Hollywood version. For one thing, he’s not directing it. For another Noomi Rapace is unlikely to reprise her role as Lisbeth Salander. Rooney Mara is looking to gt the nod. He tells Word & Film:
“The only thing that’s annoying to me is that the Sony PR machine is trying to make their Lisbeth Salander the lead Lisbeth Salander. That’s highly unfair because Noomi has captured this part and it should always be all her. That’s her legacy in a way I can’t see anyone competing with.
“I hope she gets nominated for an Oscar. I know a lot of Academy members have seen the film and liked it because every time I go to LA I meet so many people who have seen my version of it. Even in Hollywood there seems to be a kind of anger about the remake, like, ‘Why would they remake something when they can just go see the original?’ Everybody who loves film will go see the original one.
“It’s like, what do you want to see, the French version of La Femme Nikita or the American one? You can hope that Fincher does a better job.”
BOOTLEG DVDs are only exceeded in kwality by their covers. Birthers will love “OBAMA: African In The White House”. What of Buffalo Soldiers, the review for which tells us: “Irritating and toothless.” There’s a Lord of Ring – Harry Potter mash-up, for when one huge film is not enough…
THE Pride of Britain Awards 2010. A mawkish, sentimental event to show celebrities doing their bit for the orchestrated care industries. It was created in the era of the mourn porn conductor-in-chief Tony Blair, who went on to say that the NHS was the “pride of the country“.
This made-for-TV pride is for “unsung” heroes. These heroes are ‘ordinary’, as presenter Carol Vorderman says:
No winners are more deserving. Unlike most awards shows these days, they’re not celebrities, but REAL stars – unsung heroes of all ages, whose inspiring stories take your breath away.
And what better to give “REAL” stars perspective – oh for the authenticity of poverty, real breasts and humdrum lives – than loads and loads of jobbing celebs? They are here to validate your ordinariness.
LOU Reed is directing the video of Susan Boyle’s Perfect Day. It’s Boyle’s cynical Christmas hymn. Boyle’s shtick is to take any song and make it churchy. Next year, Boyle will sing The Ace of Spades in the Methodist fashion, followed by an organ-driven version of Smack My Bitch Up.
Scene 1: Boyle walks slowly towards the end of a jetty. The waters are calm. Will she dive in? Is this an advert for Campbell’s soup?
The glinting twilight and moving clouds are like a scene when the hero has just died and the cameras make out his soul has lifted up to Heaven.
Scene 2: Boyle is now engulfed in cloud. She is floating. Each note ends with a ring of a bell. Boyle is no longer just a sign of God’s love for humanity – she is the authentic voice of Mother Nature. She is Gaia thanking us for a perfect day in the bosom of her voice.
DANIEL Radcliffe, forever to be known as Harry Potter, says now he’s all grown up he wants to get a tattoo. But what to get and where to get it?
“I definitely do want to get some tattoos, but I don’t know if the first thing I would rush out to get would be something ‘Harry Potter’ related, because let’s face it, I’m going to have this for the rest of my life anyway as it is, I don’t need a tattoo that says the same.
“I want something I can grow into over the years.”
Anorak suggests “Do Not Resuscitate” – the very ancient swear by it. Something to grow into…
Scarifying Tattoos – A Gallery Of The RevoltingThe Best And Worst Fan Tattoos Ever
Tattoos – Weird And Stupid Ones
Tattoos – Retro Ones
Tattoos – On Your Arse
Tattoos – Super Heroes
Tattoos On Faces – The Mughsots
Tattoos: The Misspelled Ones
SINITTA, Simon Cowell’s jobbing lover emeritus, is telling OK! about the X Factor and Simon Cowell. Says Sinitta on Simon:
“It’s hard to comment on someone’s personal life.”
Go on. Try.
“I used to wish I had married Simon. I was crazy about him. But when I realised it wasn’t going to happen, I adjusted. You’ve got to move on and get over with it.”
Katy Cocktease then talks about herself in Harpers Bazaar:
“I’m a good girl because I really believe in love, integrity, and respect. I’m a bad girl because I like to tease. I know that I have sex appeal in my deck of cards. But I like to get people think ing. That’s what the stories in my music do.”
Bikinis on top
We’ll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh
RIHANNA was there to press the switch and turn on the Christmas lights at the Westfield shopping centre. What does the celebrity say at such an occasion?
Do you thank your manger for making it all possible? Do you name check a few stores in the hope of earning more free clobber? Or do you says: “I love London, maybe one day I’d like to have a home here”?
NATALIE Cassidy has a baby and a TV show called Natalie Cassidy: Becoming Mum. Natalie was chiefly famous for being on EastEnders and then embarking on a tabloid career as Fatalie Cassidy,willing tabloid fodder who lost and gained weight whenever a story was needed.
Natalie is now famous for having had a baby. And she’s been rowing on Twitter with the very likable and talented Denise Van Outen, another jobbing celebrity mum.
When Denise had her baybee. Natalie opined:
“Denise van Outen went back to work after two weeks because she said she needed to feel normal again. I just think, ‘What have you had a child for? Having a child should be your job’”
Denise is watching Natalie on the telly. She goes on Twitter:
“Natalie Cassidy criticised me for going back to work after having Betsy. Natalie’s on Lorraine show now promoting her reality pregnancy/new mum show. Isn’t that work????”
No. That, Denise, is reality. DVO goes on:
“She said she did the show for money, so yes, that is work. Pot calling!!!!”