Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
FRANKIE Sandford has been linked to more men than a gay rumour on a prison chain gang. Today, The Saturday’s singer is linked to Manchester City reserve Wayne Bridge. Incredibly, Sandford has not been linked to family man John Terry. So, all is well in football land. Still, the NoTW’s Stephen Moyes manages to narrow his eyes, dim the lights and say that Sandford “bears a striking similarity” to Vanessa Perroncel. She doesn’t.
KATIE Price and her walking Toffee Crisp (Alex Reid) are in sunny foreign climes for “crisis talks”. These are not crisis talks to save the world, not to see how Katie’s neon skin tones compare to actual tans. These are talks save their marriage. Well, so says the NoTw’s Sarah Hajibagheri in her “exclusive”.
JORDAN and Alex Reid have flown to a secret holiday destination for crisis talks to try and save their marriage, the News of the World can reveal.
This secret revelation is illustrated by a portrait-style picture of Jordan and Alex having a snack in a restaurant.
PREDICTIONS are lots of fun. But it might be best to leave it to the professional, like TV psychic Derek Acorah. In February 2010, he saw visions of Cheryl Cole and her Ashley Cole. Caitlin Moran quotes him thus:
“Before the end of 2010, Cheryl and Ashley will be committed to a baby. It will be born in 2011.”
ELTON John, 62, is now father to Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. The birth mum is a surrogate. (Whose egg? Liz Hurley? Liz Taylor? Liz Windsor?) The other dad is Elton’s husband David Furnish, 48. Anorak likes the name, although the double-barreled surname evokes images of a smark downstairs privy.
ASTON Kutcher lets readers of the February issue of Men’s Health know that his six-pack is there to save Demi Moore (and her wrap-around pelt) in a post-apocalyptic struggle for survival. Only the fittest and most photogenic will survive.
“People’s alarm systems at their homes will no longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity – what happens when all our modern conveniences fail? I’m going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don’t have to worry. I’m telling you, it was like a preview [of what’s to come]… All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I care about.”
NATALIE Portman is engaged to be married to the father of her embryonic baby. Portman is marrying the choreographer Benjamin Millepied. She can expect to hear the pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter and so on of a happy little Millepied.
Isabella Rossellini was right
COCO Austin is Anorak’s Woman of The Year. (Image: that’s her Christmas card.) She will most likely be Anorak’s woman of the next year to come. Coco is on Twitter dishing it to those who say she’s too big to be a mo-del:
To all these Glamour Magazines that R hating on me. Eat your heart out!Sorry that I’m too thick for you
ARE Daniel Craig and actress Rachel Weisz at it? The NoTW says the actors are embroiled in “secret romance”. So secret is it that the stars of the big screen are in Dorset (sources suggest The Pavilion in Milborne Wick).
where they have “strolled to a country pub where they snuggled together in front of the fire for a Christmas Eve drink”.
Even more secretively, you might have read bout it on December 1?
And get this:
Warmly wrapped in thick coats, scarves and wellies – and with their faces almost hidden under sunglasses and woolly hats – they held hands and occasionally clung on to each other as they gingerly manoeuvred their way down icy lanes.
NATALIE Portman, star of Black Swan and an all round babe, is the new face of Miss Dior perfume. Nice work. Only, Portman is a vegetarian activist. And she does not use animal products, like fur and leather:
I’m often interrogated about being vegetarian (e.g., “What if you find out that carrots feel pain, too? Then what’ll you eat?”).
She tells InStyle magazine:
One of the things that’s been so nice is that Dior made all of the shoes for me with no animals and no leather or anything because I don’t wear any leather… They remade all my shoes so I can wear Dior shoes without taking lives.
Phew! Good job Dior never stuck her in its fur range. Still, Portman agonised:
“It was definitely a war inside my head for a long time and finally, I was like, we can actually do something very positive with this, especially given the kind of company Dior is, which is truly elegant.”
Smell that, readers? Now that’s a perfume…
“One of the things that’s been so nice is that Dior made all of the shoes for me with no animals and no leather or anything. They remade all of my shoes so I can wear Dior shoes without taking lives.”
One of the reasons the 29-year-old beauty decided to work with Dior was because they share the same ethics as her.
She said: “It was definitely a war inside my head for a long time and finally, I was like, we can actually do something very positive with this, especially given the kind of company Dior is, which is truly elegant.”
You won’t find many diehard fashionistas argue with that. But it must have been quite a feat to convince John Galliano to remake everything with vegan-approved materials, considering what he sent down his runway this year. Let’s just say it’s not the type of company a true vegan would associate with. Especially when the activist in question has compared eating meat to rape.
But don’t take my word for it. Consider Style.com’s narrative of Dior’s Fall 2010 Ready-to-Wear collection:
After Karlie Kloss had swept on, swirling a brown leather highwayman’s cape over a ruffled pink chiffon dress and brown thigh boots, the narrative was established: This was to be a brisk albeit slightly perfunctory trot around the circuit of Galliano’s longtime favorite eighteenth-century redingote shapes, hacking jackets, and jodhpurs, interspersed with many more of the little chiffon dresses. …
As the show took a detour into citified country clothes—checked wool pencil skirts, baker boy caps, and a blanket coat in mohair—it was the knitwear that ended up commanding the most attention. This is, after all, the season where unexpected ways of knitting have been a focal point in such influential collections as Prada and Dolce & Gabbana. Dior’s answers were a cream oversize cardigan-coat, threaded through with blue satin ribbon, and two lacy raschel-knit dresses.
The whole impression? Item by item, there was plenty to go on, from the furs—treated to a new technique that mimics dressy layered frills, edged with an eyelash fringe—to the heavily reiterated thigh boot to the dirty-pastel georgette evening gowns.
Leather, silk chiffon, wool, mohair, and fur — it takes imagination to incorporate that many animal products in one collection. Not to mention that Christian Dior Beauty — which manufactures the very perfume that is lining Natalie Portman’s pockets — is on animal-rights group’s Uncaged U.K.’s boycott list for its policy of testing on animals. In all, Dior sounds like PETA’s worst nightmare. And it would be Natalie’s as well if she could only see around those dollar signs that are clouding her vision.
ENRIQUE Iglesias’ latest outpouring of pop pap is called – ahem – Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You). Soft-faced Enrique has only gone and created a Hentai rock opera. It’s porn delivered with a cartoonish edge by a man so soft-focused he might be a singing smudge.
WIKILEAKS: Aka WikiBitch, has produced a cable in which a State Department employee brightens up a slow news day (Nov. 15, 2006) in the Bahamas by telling his colleagues that Anna Nicole Smith is a Hurricane 5 celebrity:
Several months into her Bahamian residency, American B-list celebrity and regular entertainment television fixture Anna Nicole Smith has changed the face of Bahamian politics. Not since Category 4 Hurricane Betsy made landfall in 1965 has one woman done as much damage in Nassau. Lying in disarray in her wake are Doctor’s Hospital, the Coroner’s Court, the Department of Immigration, local mega-lawyers Callenders and Co., formerly popular Minister of Immigration Shane Gibson, and possibly Prime Minister Christie’s PLP government.
JLS were with Tinie Tempa (sunglasses) at Wembley Arena in north London last night. At one point the X Factor stars flew over the crowd in a Mercedes sleigh. Stars in a sleigh. This is Christmas, fans. If you like JLS you will vole these photos. If you don’t, you need to see what the youth are into…
“I have secrets and magic tricks, of course. I can’t share them because then you’d all know. But let’s just say I’m not shy.”
A few weeks into new marriage and already she pulled out the top hat and the rabbit. Their silver wedding anniversary will see the statue of Liberty disappear – inside Katy!! Behold the live TV spectacular!!!!
PETER Andre is on the cover of OK!. He’s giving the camera a big muppet-mouthed smile while shoving a generous fairy cake into his daughter Princess TenaLadii’s face. Not so very long ago, the child mother, the Teflon-coated Katie Price, told us via Twitter:
“I want to withdraw them from the public eye as I want them to have as normal a childhood as possible and want them to choose what they want.”
Can this outing be related to that Tweet?
While we wonder at that, we study the latest installment in the made-for-idiots fauxmance between Peter and Kerry Katona, the former queen of own-brand ketchups. On the OK! cover, she is sat next to Peter, dandling one child on her knee while another gives us a small-toothed, hesitant smile.
Says the headline:
“Peter & Kerry – It’s Our First Christmas together.”
HEATHER Mills’ words were still ringing in our ears as Sir Paul McCartney played a concert at the Carling 02 Academy in his home city of Liverpool. The latest rumour on the internet is that at a meet-the-teachers night for Mills and Sir Paul’s daughter Beatrice, the child was praised for her skill with the saxophone. Mills, aka Penny Lane, is alleged to have replied:
“Yes. She gets that from me.”
This is augmented by another quote form the women known locally as Lovely Rita:
I ask if Beatrice is musical. “Well, yeah, because all her family are – I play saxophone and oboe, my brother plays bass trombone and has a rock band, my sister plays the flute, my mother played piano and my dad played six instruments, so…”
SHAKIRA was at London’s O2 arena last night. Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll is 4ft 11in, and is thus able to dress in Primark’s junior range and wave about a lettuce leaf as if it were the green sail of an ocean going ship…
FOR every Johnny Depp, who made his firm film appearance in A Nightmare on Elm Street (movie), 1984, there are thousands of actors who never went on to make it big. In this gallery who will see when some of Hollywoods legends made their debut. Would a young Tom Hanks survive He Knows You’re Alone? Sylvester Stallone’s first big acting job was The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, a 1970 soft porn flick. Who knew..?
VANESSA Hudgens proves that is life after Zac Efron and High School Musical by posing for photos at her 22nd birthday party. Hudgens cuts a dash. But she is not such a big star anymore. In response, Old Mr Anorak’s current wife has changed the name of her newly adopted American child refugee Britney Vanessa-Hudgens Efron Jonas to Bieber JLS Rihanna Lohan. She hopes this will make the child feel more relevant…
MATT Cardle, the X Factor winner, was signing pages of his book Matt Cardle: My Story at Waterstones in London. From being a ordinary bloke who could sing – he was a painter and decorator from Essex, no less – Matt is now a shiny popstar with a book and a message. His watery version of Biffy Clyro’s Many Of Horror’ is at top of the charts. His hair is no longer beneath a cap. And so begins the end of the chap you liked and followed on the telly.
ALICE Douglas will now pander to every one of your prejudices. She will explain why you dislike toffs, pushy mums, Guardian readers, Daily Mail readers, modern parents, Guardian writers, other people’s children, reality TV, TV talent shows and humanity:
You may recall Alice as Lady Alice Douglas who in 2007, told Mail readers:
You kids just don’t know how to party
She wanted to tell us about her brill 16th birthday party:
At the time, my long-suffering mother, Ann, was married to the playwright Robert Bolt and living in Chiswick, West London. But she had kept a little house in Putney which had been hers before the marriage, and its style was her sole creation… I was a natural born punk. I embraced the whole philosophy even before I knew it had been invented.
Whoah, readers. Steady on with the laughter. Things are about to get even better. Lady Alice is now the Guardian’s plain Alice Douglas, and she wants to tell about her utterly brill kidzz.
One day in May this year, Hero, my 11-year-old daughter – a budding musician – decided to do a quick internet search for music competitions she could enter. Little did I know that within a matter of months this would lead to both Hero and her younger brother Tybalt appearing in separate television series before millions of people and immersing the whole family in the dizzying world of television talent shows.
THE celebrity photos of 2010: Lady GaGa worked the hotdog; moody Keanu Reeves created a meme and became the ying to happy-go-lucky Leonardo DiCaprio’s yang; Susan Boyle gave Celtic the full face; Russell Brand did the business; Mickey Rourke got cotton mouth; Snoop Dogg flew his kite; Rihanna taught the kids to swear; Mariah Carey took the dog; Britney Spears snarled; Joe Jonas fumbled,. Kesha paled; Snooki went lame; Lindsay Lohan aged; Oprah Winfrey mouthed the wiener; Coco impressed; and Tiger Woods looked for inspiration in a clingy dress…
The man with the raisin hair – Michael Jackson’s brother – is now so impoverished that his total goods in bag are worth a paltry $150 gs? Jackson had bags worth more than that – carrier bags.
But this story has one more angle. TMZ reports:
A week after Jackson filed the police report, he filed docs in his child support case — claiming he couldn’t afford the $3,000/month for his kids, Jaafar and Jermajesty. He’d like the payment reduced to $215 a month.
DR Who fans rejoice. Karen Gillan, who plays Amy Pond, the TV Doctor’s 11th Doctor’s assistant, has decided that her career is ready for the lads mags poses. We offer no complaints…
CAPTAIN Beefheart RIP. Here he is in interview. The quality of the video seems to fit. Remember:
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush dosen’t shake, eat another piece of bread.
This is the (Christmas pussy song). All other Christmas pussy songs are fakes.
We don’t know if she kissed Santa. But she most likely knows someone who has…