Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THE Reading Festival is an opportunity to look at the bands in action – but ultimately it’s a chance to look at girls dressed in shorts playing in the mud. It’s going to rain at the weekend. The tabloids will be handing out thin cotton T-shirts…
ROBBIE Williams and Gary Barlow posed for our pictures at the BBC Radio 1 offices. They were in London to witness the first broadcast of the track Shame, which the reconciled artists recorded as a duet. This is the first time they collaborated in 15 years. They fell out after Williams left boyband Take That in 1995. But how time has changed them. They look old. They look really old. They look Stone Age old. It’s no longer Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow – it’s Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble. Aydaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AMY Winehouse watched Pete Doherty and the Libertines perform at the Forum in Highgate, London, last night. She stood on the balcony as the band serenaded. It was a good show – Pete looked like a slim Pauline Quirke, Carl Barat played on and Amy pulled faces and beamed with the whitest teeth. Your snapper took photos. It was a fun night.
The Libertines foursome had appeared on stage to the sound of Vera Lynn’s We’ll Meet Again. At the end of the show, Doherty chucked his harmonica into the crowd. If you caught it, you might want to wait until you’re not operating a motor vehicle or machinery before putting it near your mouth…
WHILE you are enjoying a staycation in the British monsoon seasons, Beyonce Knowles is taking the waters on a gin palace called Altitude. It’s a 180-foot Italian Benetti yacht. It costs $377,000 a week to hire. Or you can buy it for €29.5 million.
The ship has six cabins, a gym, a Jacuzzi, a Laser Pico sailing dinghy , 3 x sets waterskis, a five-man banana, Beyonce and Jay Z.
* Launched in the year of 2003 her interior decoration illustrates the capabilities of Stefano Natucci. Superyacht ALTITUDE is able to accommodate up to 12 guests with 14 qualified crew. This large motor yacht has a helicopter platform. Her old, former or build project names were (Benetti Fb) Amnesia Ii. She is able to attain a maximum speed of 16 knots.
FORMER Big Brother winner and Happy Mondays lead percussionist Bez, aka Mark Berry, has been jailed. No, not in the Big Brother house with Makosi et al. He’s in a real jail with real CCTV.
Berry who had always seemed destined to play Smike in Nicholas Nickleby – The Musical, had accused one Monica Ward, the mother of his two-year-old son and lead singer in his band Domino Bones, of stealing his money. He became upset and throttled her.
Before the Beak at Manchester Magistrates court, Bez is given a community order for an assault he already been found guilty of. He is also ordered to pay £450 in costs. He declines to comply. Adding:
“I’m not doing it. Bothered. I’m going to appeal and take this to a real court.”
ANORAK’S Canadian pal Marc Mysterio – billed as Scadinavian by Tila Tequila – is currently suing Brandy Norwood. Mysterio has filed a lawsuit with the Los Angeles Superior Court, alleging that Brandy Rayana Norwood agreed to perform and write music for him. And then didn’t.
Mysterio has handed us proof of the contract he claims she broke.
KERRY Katona will now tell OK! readers about her fifth child. As the headline states:
“KERRY SPEAKS ONLY TO OK! ABOUT HER FIFTH CHILD”
The Star and its sister organ OK! have tapped into a rich vein of news we call the Maybe Baby. First Katie Price declared she was not pregnant. Then Abbey Clancy declared, via a source, that she might get pregnant one day. And now mum-of-four Kerry Katona wants to tell us about the child she has yet to conceive in anything but her dreams.
This is “HER SHOCKING NEWS”.
We meet Kerry in Marbella, where she’s being squirted by two young children in swimsuits. One is chubby and a bit ginger. The other is blonde and thinner. Chances are their guns are full of vegetable dye (Swede/Carrot No.6 Blend). Kerry is orangey-brown stood on her tip-toes.
CAN a celebrity write the Great American Tweet? In our collection of tweets, we see them try. There is P Diddy having sex while tweeting; Lindsay Lohan being assaulted; Will Ferrell contemplating kicking Justin Bieber in the face; Jeremy Piven talking into his anus; Jim Carey’s original emoticons; John Cusak’s dinner with whores; a Kardashian sexing insects; and Stephanie Pratt talking herself up above the rest of you. Enjoy…
RUPERT Grint, the actor best known for his role in the ‘Harry Potter’ films, was meeting fans to promote the release of his new film ‘Cherrybomb‘ on DVD, at a central London Hotel. The film is dire. The title is a reference to a blimp of hash that falls from joint and burn a hole in your clothes. The only sign of anything having happened is nothing. Just a hole. And the expense of buying a new top. But it serves its purpose – which is to nudge Grint along from being Potter’s sidekick and towards his predestined role as the Dennis Waterman of his generation.
Looks like bad news for all those intotheir funky house and dirty pop, if this poster on Old Ford Road is anything to judge by. The ‘new era of club culture’ in the East End, with “massive DJ’s/PA’s” (sic) every Friday night, has been cancelled!
But it’s not the do that’s been cancelled – it’s the poster. Tower Hamlets hates bill stickers so much it is sticking bills over the, er, bills. It’s genius. Says the legal sticker:
“This poster has been cancelled by London Borough of Tower Hamlets”
“This is a creative way to crack down on fly-posting. We’re showing would-be fly-posters that they’ll be wasting their money if they put up illegal advertisements in the borough. It can take up to 45 minutes to remove just one poster and often scraps of paper are left behind – but it only takes a couple [of] seconds [to] stick the ‘It’s Cancelled’ sticker on.”
THE V Festival in stage and backstage pictures, featuring Anorak’s Woman of the Decade Paloma Faith, Paul Weller, Kasabian, Florence Welch, Pixie Lott, Diane Vickers, Madness, The Pet Shop Boys, Plan B, the Charlatans, Goldfrapp and everyone else naked in a muddy field in Chelmsford, Essex…
OLLY Murs, the X Factor Robbie WiIliams impressionist, has “WRECKED OUR LIVES”. So says his family.
It’s the News of the World’s front-page news. Following the Sun’schat with Murs, readers now get an “X Factor exclusive”.
In the bid to make Olly Murs a stars (he has a record out soon), we get to hear from “angry” Ben Murs-Hart. Olly’s twin borther. It’s hard to tell the two apart because neither of them has had a hit record nor played football in Robbie Williams’ garden. But one of them has shagged at last 30 women and the one of them is front-page news.
No word on Ben’s shag tally, but he is “choking back tears” as he tells us:
“The show has torn our family apart.”
Ben says Olly skipped his wedding last year to sing in the X Factor semi-final. We learn:
“Something was missing and that was Olly. It’s clear people like Simon Cowell are more important to him than me.”
MIRANDA Kerr is pregnant by… Orlando Bloom. And this gives us and all media the ideal opportunity to supply readers and other pregnancy fans with lots of pictures of Kerr’s pre-baby body. We do this for research purposes – to allow women to compare and contrast the post pregnancy wonder with what went before. Ladies, this is for you…
AARON Fagan is the BBC’s N-Dubz “star”. He’s the star no-one had heard of nor noticed until he sexually assaulted two women in Glasgow. It’s a crime he denies.
Before Aaron Fagan, 25, groped two women at Strathclyde University students’ union in John Street on 1 October last year, he was the fourth member of a three-piece act. (Image – Fagan fourth from right just out of shot.)
Now we meet Fagan front stage centre. As he leaves Glasgow Sheriff Court he turns to the media:
“I’m a black man and I have been tried by a white jury. It’s pretty clear what happened in that court and it’s the opposite of justice.”
Fagan has a sense of drama and of being hard-done by but fails to notice that there is no jury. He was convicted by Sheriff Joanna Johnston.
IN only our third Katie Price story of the day, we went along to see Jordan launch her new boutique ipod range, at a photocall at The Worx, in Parsons Green, west London. Out came Katie dressed as an overstuffed oven-ready sausage. On her head she wore a tiara of iPods. Let it not be said that Katie fails to understand men – you can shag Katie and not need to look over her shoulder to watch the football. Just look a bit above her eyes and get the full multi-media hump. Also available on iPod shuffle…
ANGELINA Jolie’s dressing of her daughter Shiloh in surf pants and other Montenegro-style clothing is set aside for a new heated debate on how her dressing as a man will destroy her nine-year-old son Maddox.
The story goes that Jolie dressed as a man for a scene in her Salt film and then invited Maddox on set,.
“I invited him to come say ‘hi’ to me and I didn’t tell him who it was. So he came down, he shook my hand and he hung out with me for a while and then I said ‘Mad?’ and he went ‘Aaaaagh! Muuum!’ and he totally freaked out.”
THE Daily Star has front-page news of “JORDAN BABY JOY”. This news is equipped with a pictureof Katie Price, for it is she, wearing a loose-fitting top and another shot of she and Alex Reid beaming for joy.
The Star had the same headline on April 3, 2010. Emma Wall told of:
Jordan Baby Joy
On the web, this is “Jordan’s new baby joy”.
Jessica Brown with Sonja Steven have news in a “World Exclusive”:
KATIE Price has been harping on about how she’s desperate to get pregnant.
And from the look of it her dreams have been answered.
Model Jordan body painted as the Ice Maiden, poses for the media during a photocall in London's Covent Garden today December 6, 1998, where she launched the Swatch Christmas watch Sparkling Life, priced at 55. PA Photos.
ANGELINA Jolie walked the blue carpet for the UK premiere of Salt at the Empire, Leicester Square, London. Jolie looked well, not as good as Kerry Katona, who arrived looking like she had brushed her hair, put on a thick coating of slap and strapped on some decently tight underwear. This is what stars do when they want to shine – they shine…
CHRISTINA Hendricks Goes Green For GQ: In Pictures. Ladies, pay attention. This is your role model. And thanks to this photoshoot, Hendricks is also a role model for the little green women of the planet Zorg…