Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JENNIFER Aniston, a middle-aged woman on whom non-existent attributes are piled, is talking to OK! about herself.
“I’m really happy. Really! My version of happiness is where I’m sitting now.”
Even when she is unhappy she is happy!
“You just have to say it’s okay to be in a funk sometimes… You need the light and the dark.”
REBECCA Black has six more hits in her before she moves on to months, years, decades, centuries and eons. For now she is happy to make Friday a day you can hate.
Thanks God It’s Friday has mutated into Thank Fuck It’s Not Friday. We will then thanks fuck it’s not Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. (There’s your album right there, Rebecca.) The US will then adopt the French words for days of the week and all will be made whole.
RIP Elizabeth Taylor: This is your life, your loves and your fame in photos:
ELIZABETH Taylor once tried to bring about the end of humanity. She told us to wear a condom every time we had sex. She did. And you should too:
KERRY Katona opens her mouth in the manner of Nookie Bear trying out a new fist on the cover of OK!, cuddles two of her kidzzz and tells us:
“MY NEW MAN DAN IS FIT & SUCCESSFUL – I DON’T WANT TO SCARE HIM OFF”
Dan is Dan Foden, who you might have seen as a lovelorn contestant on Saturday night TV show Take Me Out.
Can it be that the celebrity Petri Dish is so inter-mingled that even ZZZ-listed celeb blood is required to stop celebrity children being born with names like Keith and Tracey?
“I CAN’T BELIEVE I LIVE WITH THAT POISONOUS WOMAN”
Who’s that then?
“As Peter Andre’s nanny is jailed OK! takes a look at other extraordinary moments in the singer’s life”
Wouldn’t being jailed be an extraordinary moment in the nanny’s life?
ANORAK hates stand-up comedy. The only two shows we ever saw were poor man’s Sid James, Arthur Smith, hosting a gig at Jongleurs (horrible humour; room full of boozed-up estate agents), and Jerry Sadowtiz, who seduced us to the cheap seats on the back of a sketch called “The Death of Jeffrey Archer”, in which two Glaswegians spot Archer in his jail cell and spend a long, long time telling him how he is going to die at their hands. But that was it.
REBECCA Black’s dire tune in praise of Friday has been downloaded 2million times.
And not all purchases have been made by Arab despots keen to keep their people off the street by blaring the thing from Tannoys.
Friday is fun, fun, fun. Well, not for you Jewish kids. But for everyone one else it is. It. Is. FUN!
POOR old Mel B. There is the former spice Girl announcing her pregnancy to the word via the front page of Hello! and the editors decide that to make the magazine sellable she needs to share the cover with an equally large shot of Victoria Beckham.
Inside the mag, and a few pages after sources have told us that Sticky Vicky is delighted to be pregnant, we meet Melanie Brown and Stephen Belafonte. We also see Mel’s previously born children, Angel and Phoenix, both seemingly named after cartoon characters from 1980s children’s telly.
HOW will you remember Charlie Sheen when his nuclear meltdown has ended?
A realisation that Two And A Half Men, the show you never watched before you heard of Sheen, is The Odd Couple & A Brat?
JET Harris RIP. You were born Terence Harris. you were one of The Shadows, Cliff Richards’ backing group. The other claim to fame is that Cliff had an affair with your wife, Carol Costa.
Jet left the band in the early 1960s. Cliff became a pop preacher…
KATIE Price, aka Jordan, has usurped Her Majesty the Queen’s Royal box (fnar). So reports the Daily Star in the front-page screamer entitled:
“QUEEN JORDAN UNSEATS ROYALS – she hijacks Her Maj’s box at races”
Anorak sees an image of Jordan running off with said box, spraying it orange and sticking some peonies in it. Keen to erase the image from mind, we read on:
Katie Price was the queen of celebrity as she partied in the royal box at Cheltenham yesterday. Horse-mad star Katie Price watched the Gold Cup race with new boyfriend Leandro Penna, 25.
IN a story about a night out with CAN Associates’ bright clientele Nicola McLean, Amy Childs, Mel B’s sister (!) Danielle Brown and Kerry Katona, the Mail featured a photo that can be described as revealing. You can see it here. The Mail first pixelated the image up McLean’s skirt and then removed it from its website entirely.
Is this a sign of editorial debate at the Mail?
WE went to Selfridge’s to sniff the scented air around the actor Orlando Bloom. He’s the face of Boss Orange Aftershave. To give you a clue as to what it smells of, bloom wore a comfy jumper, black lace ups and sat in a leathery chair. Add to this the Bloom’s acting oeuvre as the pirate prince of the Caribbean and the smell is like the officer’s quarters in a submarine. Splendid stuff.
Orlando tells Elle:
“I wasn’t really a ‘fragrance guy’ before, but Boss Orange is so easy to wear. It adds another dimension to my personality. I wouldn’t have done it if it didn’t fit my personality; it’s so easy going, you can go mountain biking in it if you want!”
DEAR Anorak, while looking at a Twitter photo of a pregnant Myleene Klass plastered in white substance thoughts turned to memorable night with the Friends Of Charlie Sheen rugby XI and Octomum Nadia Suleman.
ANORAK presents the greatest movie gifs ever. Can a single moment of film capture the essence of the whole? Yes. (Give them time to load – they’re worth it.)
This site gives a short history of Pena – and thanks to Google translate, he sounds intriguing:
Apparently, the Spanish network Univision Penna hired to star in a fictional U.S. “They knew that people wanted to have a personality Chopard America at the Oscars and I was recommended to me. It’s that simple, “explained the model, who seems to have been touched by the magic wand.
When he’s not examining Katie’s exit wounds, Leandro is being commented on by a “source” close to Alex Reid, the current Mr Katie Price last seen living in her shoe cupboard:
Would that be Katie Middleton and Elen MacArthur, famed yachtswomen?
No. It turns out to be Katie Price, formerly a client of PR firm Can Associates, who now represent Price’s former husband Peter Andre, and Elen Rivas, also a client of Can Associates and Andre’s current lover.
PALOMA Faith reacts on Twitter to the Japanese disaster and that nuclear issue:
Just saw the photos of japan disaster in the metro. Its just shocking. And what a worry all that nuclear energy. Why was it even invented?
Let us pray…
“JOSIE ALONE – ‘HE FORCED ME TO HAVE AN ABORTION’”
Inside we get:
“I made a lot of mistakes in my past and one thing is for certain, I ain’t going back for anyone.”
REBECCA Black sings the world’s most annoying, vacuous, dumb song- ever. I lasted 1 minute and 41 seconds. You..?
POOR old Peaches Geldof. She’s the rich rebel who arrived at the swingers’ orgy to find mum and dad handing out towels. She’s in the news because her name has been linked with a dress, allegedly, no longer at the Three Amigos store in Camden Town. The talk is of a “misunderstanding” and alleged shoplifting.
The Independent Police Complaints Commission is investigating the death that followed a raid by the Metropolitan Police.
JUSTIN Bieber was at London’s O2 venue. When the countdown clock struck Bieber Time, the Violet Elizabeth Bott and Little Jimmy Osmond love child arrived on stage with his flies undone. Hey, don’t be too harsh. Firstly, he’s a popstar and soon all the cool kids will be doing it. Secondly, “Look, ma, no pull ups!”
He then played an acoustic guitar as he flew in a caged heart. The kidz loved it. Mum and dad wondered why they spent £15 on a programme. Enjoy the photos: