Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
KERRY Katona is accusing her ex – the one to whom she is still married – of stalking her. The ex is “MARK CROFT” and Kerry says he “nearly killed me”.
Says the Star:
KERRY Katona was reeling last night after her ex-husband began behaving like an obsessed lovesick stalker.
Why bother stalking Katona. Thanks to a decent agent and a complaint Daily Star, Crofty can folly Kerry’s every move in the news media. Today, for instance, Kerry is blonde and pushing her chest against a strip of oak veneer.
Says the Star:
Now he claims he will win her back, and that Kerry is still besotted with him and often phones for chats. He admitted: “I’ll be in love with her until I die.”
Kerry is “horrified” and “sickened” by his claims. As she says:
“I love him because he is the father of two of my children. But I will never, ever go back to him.”
So those “bizarre” claims are based on a fact? A fact that Croft told something called Star magazine, an organ that comes free with OK! and is published by the same firm that published the, er, Daily Star. As Croft said:
“I know Kerry is still in love with me. She said to me when we first split: ‘Mark, I will always love you till the day I die.’ She said: ‘Mark, I am being truthful, I have got feelings for you.’ So I am presuming she’s still got them.”
No need to presume when you have a tabloid press to create a non-story and then fill in the gaps…
TV presenter and singer Kerry McFadden presenting ITV's new series 'Britain's Sexiest'. 07/12/04: The former Atomic Kitten, who has reverted to her maiden name, is rebuilding her life after the break-up of their marriage. Kerry Katona has spoken about her split from husband Brian McFadden and declared: "I want a new man for Christmas.
DID you know that Derek Hough saved Cheryl Cole’s life? The Mirror says Hough called “999” when Cheryl took ill. Yes, he had previously taken married Cheryl to Tanzania, where it is thought she caught malaria. But that was Cheryl Cole. The Mirror says this woman’s name is Cheryl Tweedy. Although it isn’t.
But the story goes that Hough called the emergency services. As we learn:
Cheryl Tweedy has revealed that she owes her life to boyfriend Derek Hough.
The X Factor star says a medical blunder left her just hours from death, and she only pulled through after dancer Derek told medics to carry out further tests… which showed she had malaria.
Hough is pronounced Hoff, as in David Hasselhoff. Derek Hough is the new Mitch Buchanan. He’s not, reportedly, dating a married woman. He’s saving her life:
Cheryl told a friend: “Derek saved my life. If he hadn’t spoken out to the doctors and told them he thought something was seriously wrong I would probably have died.”
JOE McElderry is gay. Yeah, the big-toothed singer who won X Factor with an impression of a Jonas Brother at a school concert is a homosexual. It’s front-page news on the Sun.
Previously Joe was known for being blocked from reaching the Christmas number 1 slot by a successful campaign to elevate Rage Against The Machine to the top spot.
Joe has decided to tell everyone he is gay because:
a) It’s a slow news day? b) The X Factor is coming around again and people have forgotten who the hell he is? c) It’s easier talking about your sexuality than having a hit song? d) Simon Cowell told him to? e) Someone “hacked” into his Twitter account and aid he was gay? f) He’s recording a new album?
THE 2010 Kerrang Awards at the Brewery in East London and pre-do drinks in pictures. Welsh outfit Bullet For My Valentine were named the best British act and the best live band. Jared Leto’s 30 Seconds To Mars were best international band. And The Kerrang! Hall Of Fame Award went to Motley Crue, represented by Vince Neil’s hair:
Jason James from Bullet For My Valentine who won the Best British Band and Best Live Awards at The Relentless Energy Drink Kerrang! Awards at The Brewery, London.
Bands featured: Funeral For A Friend, Joel and Benji Madden of Good Charlotte, Feeder, Sarah Cawood,Tim Minchin, Rammstein, Project A, Corey Taylor of Slipknot in Laura Ashley tie-backs, Polly Rae, Lostprophets, Biffy Clyro, Skunk Anansi, Vince Neil of Motley Crue, Bullet For My Valentine, Laura Whitmore, Trash Talk and Deaf Havana.
THE new George Clooney waxwork at Madame Tussauds in London was supposed to be the central plank of a photo shoot featuring a bevy of women looking amorously at the hairy candle. Instead it turned into a weird display of freakish emoting as the women – a mob of staff and visitors – mop their eyes and look at Clooney with a mixture of boredom and pity. One groper wears widow’s weeds as if she has news of Clooney’s demise. Clooney remains unmoved. But with a decent match he may light up the room yet…
JUST when you thought things couldn’t get worse for Saved by the Bell flunky Dustin “Screech” Diamond, the loser manages to go another notch lower on the ladder that is life-after-fame, writes Anorak’s Man in LA.
When legitimate producers stopped calling, his homemade porn tape bombed and his tell-all book didn’t top the Times bestseller list, he had to do something to keep his name out there.
That “something” turns out to be an evening as the “special referee” at something called the Celebrity “Big Bang” Wrestling match tonight in Philadelphia.
KATIE Price is the literary tour de force in black body, brown legs and deep mahogany face plugging her new pop-up book Paradise (A tribute to Bedford’s number 1 venue for fans of erotic dancing – John Milton). Few pictures of Geoffrey Chaucer exist but it is know that he too favoured felt-tip eyebrows, hair that can be used to fish for sea trout and skin dye the Wife of Bath was unable to get off her U-bend no matter how much she scrubbed…
THE Daily Star leads with a picture of Paris Hilton and her “Nazi salute shame”.
This is the same paper owned by Richard Desmond who once in a meeting with the Daily Telegraph’s hierarchy, reportedly, called all Germans “Nazis”, told his executives to sing “Deutschland uber Alles” and “strutted up and down the room holding his fingers to his lips and giving stiff-armed salutes”.
THE WOMAD music festival featured Gil Scott-Heron, Ozomatli, Cerys Matthews and Rolf Harris flexing a piece of cardboard. The late Charlie Gillett got a stage dedicated to him. And we took photos of Heron’s revolution that will be televised because 24 hour rolling news demands it and the folks at home like to watch…
TO Ramallah, where Bony M are being refused the right to play one of their biggest hits. Take them away to captivity:
When the iconic 1970s disco group Boney M rocked Ramallah this week, the local music festival prevented the band from performing one of its biggest hits.
Lead singer Maizie Williams said Palestinian concert organizers told her not to sing “Rivers of Babylon.” The song’s chorus quotes from the Book of Psalms, referring to the exiled Jewish people’s yearning to return to the biblical land of Israel.
Palestinians often question the Jewish historical connection to the Holy Land. Organizers said they asked for the song to be skipped, deeming it “inappropriate.”
ZSA Zsa Gabor, born Sári Gábor, is in ailing health. The media loves a newly dead or ill star – almost as much it loves them being arrested. A great time, then, to look back at her celebrity mugshot. She was once pinched for slapping a policeman. The crime earned her three days in jail and chance to be famous for something other than being married nine times and appearing in such straight-to-bucket films as A Very Brady Sequel. Gabor enjoyed the fame resulting from her arrest. And other celebs, too, arguably, have had their careers improved by a spell with the police force. In this gallery you will see mughsots of such famous drunks, tossers, druggies, accused felons and fame whores as Lindsay Lohan, Hugh Grant, Al Pacino, Jane Fonda. Nick Nolte, Gary Coleman, Mel Gibson and Snoop Dogg. You don’t need to get arrested to remind Hollywood agents that you’re still alive and newsworthy – but it might help…
SO. There were Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas at the Children’s Hospital for Wales in Cardiff. All the nippers were happy to see Douglas and Whatshername. The kids are big fans.
The film star couple appealed for donations to help complete the next stage of work four years after they officially opened the hospital.
Good of them to give time and effort to promote a good cause. The grandstanding, vanity and aggrandizing are there, but if people’s lives can be helped by something as vapid as fame, then so be it. We can argue the rights and wrongs another time…
Also, Zeta Jones’ face (40) is such that she looks younger and a dead rigner for Big Brother strumpet Imogen Thomas (27). Best take care, Michael Douglas. Ask for names and proof of ID.
Catherine Zeta Jones with Sean Kelly, aged nine, (left) and Liam Barker, aged 13, in the children's play room, during a visit to the Children's Hospital for Wales in Cardiff, where she and her husband Michael Douglas met staff and children.
WE went to see Earth, Wind and Fire perform live at London’s 02 arena. Half expecting Mulch, Gas and Burning Sensation When I Urinate, we were pleasantly surprised to see the rockers rocking – in good way…
TOM Cruise placed a ladder in his heels and stood next to Cameron Diaz at the premiere of film Knight & Day. We took pictures. For all his creepy Scientology spouting and mind-powered daughter Suri, Cruise remains the best film actor of his generation. What makes him the star is something he no doubt has asked himself. If thinks his religion or his platform shoes are the secrets to his success, then so be it. As for Diaz… Well, she wore heels…
AND so it came to pass that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt did slay the News of the World. Back in January, the paper told readers that Jolie and Pitt were going to their separate orphanages in a divorce that would see world split and heavens divided.
We called it as nonsense. The happy couple laughed it off. Who cares what other people think when you have love?
JENNIFER Aniston was at Harrod’s to set up a card table and launch her new signature scent, Lolavie (translation: “Why doesn’t he call?!), the “non-perfume perfume”. Aniston showed us the bottle. And it looked a lot like a perfume bottle. She posed before the sea-sprayed back and white photos. And they looked a lot like perfume ad photos. And then she squirted the stuff onto a photo of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and La Jolie vanished. One squit and she was gone! Lolavie also works on stains, bad breath and film critics…
JENNIFER Aniston’s new perfume Lola Vie (translation: Why Doesn’tHe Call?) reveals that she smells of cardboard, disinfectant and bubble wrap. It is, as the actress says, “an extension of myself”.
While Old Mr Anorak details one of his Latvian guards to put down her pole and clean out the Celebrity Store Room (find Anthea Turner in Room 54b, pass Little ‘n’ Large and before Tracey Scoggins) we read the poetry that describes Aniston’s scent Lolavie as “sexy and clean and floral, but not too flowery.”
Jennifer Aniston smells like the staffroom at Laura Ashley.
HERE’S your chance to look around Mel Gibson’s house Lavender Hill Farm. This is the place where Oksana Grigorieva allegedly got fast tracked to her dentist – Mel, it is said, punched her in the face because she “deserved it”. You can buy the place for $14.5 million and have it DNA swapped at your leisure. You can then nail a mezuzah to the corner of every telly in the house, play Mel’s films on loop and see if the thing explodes in a hellish fireball. And don’t forget to invite Danny Glover over to the exorcism…
THE Lovebox festival in London’s Victoria Part welcomes Grace Jones, one part of the hybrid Jones-Madonna Camel that goes by the name Lady GaGa. Jones’s aroused power saw, peacock hair was was almost outdone by Tahita Bulmer of New Young Pony Club and Peaches’s genitalia. And then Mark Ronson and The Business Intl performed with Duran Duran in a bouffed display of hair not seen since Vidal Sassoon discovered Dallas on the telly. We took pictures: