Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
She’s dead for to mark World AIDs Day. Until $1milion is raised for Keep a Child Alive, Alicia Keys’ charity, Kardashian fans will not be able to follow her pneumatic adventures on Twitter.
Also dead are Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake and Justin Bieber tribute act Usher. Says the blurb:
“Kim sacrificed her digital life to give real life to millions of others affected by HIV/AIDS in Africa and India. Visit BuyLife.org or text ‘KIM’ to ‘90999’ to buy her life now.”
And when a star dies the other stars who want to be associated with his death get on Twitter to offer their condolences and muscle on the mourn porn.
JUSTIN Bieber’s video for Pray is a boon to the ailing newspaper industry. Bieber – messiah of Twitter (dear followers…) and small black girl heroine of XBox – says he reads the papers. And the signing foetus is pro-life, taking an anti-abortion stance with:
I pray for the life not started
I pray for all the ones not breathing
Take them away, Sunday school music enthusiast Justin Bieeeeber….
AT the U2 Concert Bono is paying tribute to the 29 miners who died in New Zealand.He follows his pap tribute with the song I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.
“Hello [insert name of venue here]. I love yooooouuu” used to be enough; now bands feel a need to tap into the zeitgeist of the crowd by empathising with their grief.
Better had Bono orchestrated a two minute silence…
I AM astonished at the thousands of new readers who have stormed into Madame Arcati all because of my little post onSheila Vogel-Coupe. She’s in the Sun today, blissfully unashamed to be a practising prostitute at the age of 81. But I am appalled that her disrespectful X Factor wannabe and Frodo lookalike granddaughter, Katie Waissel, was ‘vile and vicious’ towards her on the phone after singing Help! last Saturday. Help? She can fuck off, dearie.
Anyhow, all this talk of Sheila has drawn me to the Mature Courtesans website where until recently she advertised her person. The madam of this establishment is one Helga who apparently has ‘gone away’ for now – and I must say Helga’s business is a tribute to the kind of fine manners we should expect in these times of Old Etonian governance, even if her grasp on grammar and syntax is not.
TO celebrate Battersea Dogs And Cats Home reaching its 150th birthday, Amada Holden hosted the Collars & Coats Gala Ball, a South Korean and North Korean summit supper over plates of steaming strays and novelty gloves.
Not really. But Holden does seem to have something to her face. What is unclear. Holden’s face is tighter than Simon Cowell’s back story. The dog in her arms hasn’t licked anything that smooth since the lads in the pack played condom football with a jar of meat paste.
RIP Ingrid Pitt, Hammer Films’ Queen of Horror and all-girl vampire lust who died today aged 73. Her moment of death had some drama: the Polish-born star collapsed on her way to an event hosted by members of her fan club.
Her daughter Steffanie told says her mother was the vampire countess with the “wonderful teeth and the wonderful bosom“.
The woman born Ingoushka Petrov in 1937 to a German father and Jewish mother spent time in a concentration camp. She went on to live a vivacious life as the great entertainer…
WANT to buy John Lennon’s handwritten lyrics to I’m Only Sleeping? Lennon wrote the words for the 1966 hit in ballpoint pen and blue felt tip. The paper is a reminder letter for an unpaid bill of £12.3.0 for a car Radiophone.
The piece of paper is now worth and estimated £250,000 – 350,000.
The bill was paid…
CELEBRITY autographs are a handy way to say you met / stalked /waited-by-a-stage-door-for-hours to show one and all that they met Johnny Depp, John Travolta, Emma Watson, Paris Hilton and… We’ve pulled together a gallery of autographs for you to print out and claim as your own or else copy over and over again until perfect and you are able to commit identity theft. Or else you can do as Cherie Blair did. She flogged Tony Blair’s autograph for £10 on eBay. Why? Well, as she said, she did it to stop others profiting from such thigns. D’yer see…
PROPERTY Porn time now as we look around Anthea Turner’s home, Sundown “in an elevated position” on the outskirts of the village of Hascombe, Surrey. Poor Della, whom Grant Bovey left to be with TV sweetheart Anthea, may well enjoy the views…
Savills tells us: “Communications are excellent.” Although the phone may not ring as it once did…
It has “stunning orientation”, Aga gas range cooker, sunken sitting area, “contemporary paths”; “the most spectacular sunsets can be witnessed from the decked area”; an “Olympic size indoor sand school”; and wood and floor touched by a TV legend…
THE T4 Awards show in photos: The Saturdays’ Frankie Sandford wore hotpants; JLS left them panting; Olly Murs was pants; Mark Ronson wore the pants; Jason Derulo grabbed his pants; and Tinie Tempah did not wet this pants…
The story was that Manford had been having saucy webcam times with 12 women while he staid in hotel rooms away from his pregnant wife. He says it was down to “loneliness”. But the Mirror tells us that he told Turner:
“I’ve got to keep my voice down while we do this love – my wife’s upstairs changing the bed sheets.”
While Manford was earning a fortune presenting The One Show (now the Give Her One Show), his wife was working as a chamber maid? Hey, you get your kicks and keep your figure however you can.
We then learn that Mandord allegedly calls his penis “the daddy”.
ISABELLA Rossellini wants to show the world how dophins have sex. Those perverts are at it all the time. Well, it’s the spare hole and the latex suits. We’ve seen the anchovies at it. We’ve seen how these things do it. We’ve seen how the bugs do it.
Now let’s see Flip-Off With Flipper does it:
· Green Porno (sundancechannel.com)
HARRY Potter means one thing to editors: Emma Watson showing some flesh. Daniel Radcliffe has exposed his genitals on stage. Rupert Grint has done topless (as they all must). But Emma gives only glimpses. The Emma Watson mini-dress was the stand-out photos of the penultimate Harry Potter film premiere.
What next for Emma Watson? Says Emma:
“Three months ago I cut my hair – and at that moment, it felt like I became a woman.”
PROPERTY porn time now, readers, as we take look about what is rumoured to be X Factor judge Dannii Minogue’s London SW11 flat, which is for sale at a price of £499,000. For that money you get 2 bedrooms, River Thames views, a Jetstream washing machine and Whirlpool dryer; two juliet balconies; integrated fridge/freezer; Zanussi integrated electric oven with Baumatic induction hob and extractor fan; integrated dishwasher; stone work surface and integrated sink, tiled floor; en-suite shower room; air breathed by Kylie Minogue’s sister…
FRESH from punching himself in the face and pretending to be a small black girl in a plaid skirt, Justin Bieber, is lending his face to milk. No, not formula or breast milk – Justin is shooting up like best rhubarb and is on stage three of his development.
KATIE Price is the driving force of a PR-led story liking her in mock combat with CAN associates newest strumpet Amy Childs, star of the Only Way Is Essex and leading vajazzle.
When Amy is not dressing up as Katie, she’s having a boob job, her lips done and saying nice things about sentimental crooning acorn Peter Andre.
PRINCESS Diana is back. Not that she ever went away. Princess Diana lives on the fabled Sixth Floor of London’s Harvey Nichols department store. And on your tables. The great Tabloid Prodigy has news of Diana’s commemorative plates moving with the fashion trends and the meals. What does Diana look like now? Let’s see:
(That X Factor performance was uncomfortable viewing, wasn’t it? It was all clammy and white-eyed-staring, like the part in the horror film where the grave digger hears a knocking from the ground and voice calls: “We’re coming to get you Robbie.”)
WHO better than John and Edward Grimes – that’s Jedward for those of you people (yeople) unable to remember two names (tames) to front a recycling campaign? Jedward went to Craigdhu Primary School, in Milngavie, Glasgow. Twice…
In April, Donald secured a restraining order, banning publication of confidential information by Ntuli, a former girlfriend and musician. She had sent Donald a text message:
“Why shud I continue 2 suffer financially 4 the sake of loyalty when selling my story will sort my life out?”
SCARLETT Johansson is ‘Babe of the Year’. There she is being babelishious in GQ’s 15th annual Men of the Year issue. So much does GQ rate her that the actress is duly photoshopped until she’s all but invisible in the celebratory photos. More photos here. After these:
Even the jeep bleeds!
The film is made by Ramon Productions:
The company has approximately 30 members in general who play various distinct roles with determination to achieve the present goals.
Not starring Nedžad Kličić!
Not starring fat Jew on ‘shrooms!
JAMES Blunt prevented World War 3, says James Blunt. He did this by allowing his tunes to be played to inmates at Guantanamo Bay over and over and over as an alternative to waterboarding and upsetting the Chinese. Well, no. Says Blunt of an Army trip to Kosovo in 1999:
“We had 200 Russians lined up pointing their weapons at us aggressively. The direct command [that] came in from general Wesley Clark was to overpower them. Various words were used that seemed unusual to us. Words such as ‘destroy’ came down the radio.”
“Destroy… Blunt….Records…Over… Destroy… Blunt…Records… Over…”
“The soldiers directly behind me were from the Parachute Regiment, so they’re obviously game for the fight.”
So. You led them in a singsong and got them well up for the kill?
“There are things that you do along the way that you know are right, and those that you absolutely feel are wrong. That sense of moral judgment is drilled into us as soldiers in the British army.”
Moral Judgement 1: Do not attack an Amy bigger than your own.
“It didn’t come to that. British general Sir Mike Jackson sent an admonishing message down the wire. [His] exact words at the time were, ‘I’m not going to have my soldiers be responsible for starting world war three’. [He] told us why don’t we sugar off down the road [and], you know, encircle the airfield instead.”
Blunt says the action could have “absolutely” started World War 3. And prevented James Blunt from recording You’re Beautiful.
You win some; you lose some…
CAN looking up Katy Perry’s skirt and down her top make the BBC Teen Awards a hit? At the Hammersmith Apollo, London, Perry wore a dress with the candy machine dispenser over her veejay. For the teens. Especially for those teens stood in the front row with camera phones.
Russell Brand does not you like pictures up his wife’s skirts. But where was he to save the day?
In photo 4, Katy obliges the congregation with a stoop into the crowd. She’s a modern day Saint Agatha is Katy, a god-fearing, breast carrying entertainer waiting to be painted in your adoration…