Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“JORDAN V Posh – IT’S WAR.” So declares the Daily Star, choosing to ignore the brewing conflict in Egypt and focus on affairs closer to home.
The domino effect in the Middle East may crash into the domino from East Sussex and meet in a huge tsunami of silicon breast milk. What news of the Tangerine Revolution?
KATE Price has declared fashion war on her old enemy Victoria Beckham by launching her own clothing range. The model will debut her new budget-price collection next month in a bid to rival Posh.
Of course, this being Malibu, California, Streisand very possibly has her own cash for her own shops; currency that, given the strength of the dollar, might well be the new benchmark of value.
Want to look about Bab’s shoppe? Here you go:
CHERYL Cole wants to show you her new tramp stamp tattoo, a new version of her old tramp stamp tattoo. News is that the new version will link up with a tattoo that wraps about Cole’s thigh. It might then be linked to that “Mrs Cole” tattoo that sits on the back of Cheryl’s neck, the one that provided reassurance to former husband Ashley Cole in yoga class and other doggy pursuits.
It’s a huge media debate.
The Sun hears from Dr Sean Lanigan, who sees a scare story. You should not copy Cheryl Cole:
BRITAIN is facing a tattoo timebomb as more women than ever decide to copy stars like Cheryl Cole by “getting inked”…
So think carefully or you could add weight to the old saying: “Tattoo in haste, repent at leisure”.
That old saying sounds a lot like a new saying.
ENDHIRAN (The Robot) is the ultimate Indian film of all time. It’s the most expensive film in the history of in Indian cinema. And yet they producers and talent has made it look so very cheap.
It is mind boggling:
CHANTELLE Tagoe dates Emile Heskey, Midlands football’s transferrable battering ram. Their home boasts an air hockey table, six bedrooms and a “football area”.
But Tagoe particularly likes her walk-in wardrobe and dressing room “with brown snakeskin-effect walls and cubby holes so that Chantelle can showcase her extensive collection of handbags and shoes.”
Showcase to OK! magazine and the coachloads of tourists who pass through her dressing of a given afternoon.
Says Chantelle of her collection:
“Louboutins are like pieces of art on your feet!”
You can get the same effect by wearing Anorak’s Tate Modern entry Vomit In Sock, or doodling a picture of a dead shark on your Converse, or wearing two dead sharks – one on each foot; or two on one foot to be really edgy. (If you can’t find sharks use battered cod.)
“After years of searching for the man of her dreams, a successful and wealthy but lonely and lovelorn actress is finally swept off her feet by the man of her dreams – a Moroccan goat herder almost half her age.”
Yassine El Jamouni, for it is he, was not on a mountain top tending his flock when love scout Cheryl approached. He was online. Cheryl explains this and more:
Cheryl: “Yassine is not a goatherder.,..”
ELTON John and David Furnish’s baby Zachary is not acceptable viewing for the people of a Harps supermarket in Mountain View, Arkansas. The US magazine in which they showcase their child to the planet has been encased in a protective sheath, known locally as a “family shield“.
So, who are the leaders of Harps?
Kim Eskew, President & COO:
Kim and his wife Karen live in Springdale and are members of First Baptist Church of Springdale.
The church is part of the Southern Baptist Convention.
The church believes that:
Homosexual is a chosen behavior not a discovered sexual orientation.
A child is set up as a result of poor parenting to make them more likely to choose to become homosexual.
Homosexuals can convert to heterosexuality through prayer, becoming saved.
THE 2011 Academy Award nominees are not Jennifer Aniston (nominated for the Razzie for Worst Actress for her role in The Bounty Hunter) The Last Airbender (nine Razzie noms – we saw it; it is deserving), Twilight stars Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart, and Jessica Alba, who has four nominations for Worst Supporting Actress.
The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Fighter
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Jeremy Renner, The Town
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Geoffery Rush, The King’s Speech
YOU can buy a singing Justin Bieber dolly. Toy Justin doesn’t weep, pray, eat and poop, but it does sing One Less Lonely Girl when you press a button on his face.
Younger fans will like waving it; older fans will like waving it; dogs will enjoy chewing it; perverts will enjoy keeping it in the box in the hope that one day it is collectable and becomes worth actual money; boys will get pins and ram them into Justin’s puppy dog eyes.
PIERS Morgan, currently on US TV knocking them dead with his interviewing on CNN,, is the subject of a correction from the Associated Press:
In a Jan. 6 story, The Associated Press reported CNN anchor Piers Morgan’s claim that his interview with then-British Prime Minister Gordon Brown turned the tide of Gordon’s election campaign in his favor. While Brown got a boost in the polls after the interview, the story should have noted that he subsequently lost the 2010 election to a Conservative Party-led coalition.
KEVIN Smith bought his film Red State for $20. He is now in control of the marketing – see stories about his buying own film for $20.
I never wanted to know jack shit about business. I’m a fat, masturbating stoner. That’s why I got into the movie business. I thought that was where fat, masturbating stoners went. And if somebody had told me at the beginning of my career, you’re going to have to learn so much about business, finance, amortization, all that shit, monetization, I would have been like, ‘Fuck it. I’m just going to stay home and masturbate. That’s too much work, man.’ It took seven years for Clerks, a movie that cost $27,575, to go into profit.
He makes a point well. The film industry so so laughably earnest. The televised AGMs are moribund and cheesy; the film industry gongs are given out with a gravitas and sense of worthiness the Three Wise Men would have found ” a bit much”.
KERRY Katona, current blade wielder on the televised celebrity cull Dancing On Ice – having shilled for Iceland Kezza is now living in the freezer – is having a “red-hot romance with the hunky Royal Marine” Kevin Greene.
Or as the Star puts it:
In an exclusive interview with the Daily Star Sunday, Kerry revealed how hunky Dan [Whiston]… and her son Max, two, were the only men in her life.
The NoTW goes on to talk about Katona being a victim of her bi-polar medication and estranged husband Mark Croft.
The NoTW states:
He skated back into her affections after his marriage failed, and they have been together for several weeks.
Got that? His marriage failed. Then he got with Kerry. A source pops up to confirm:
“She fell for him in a big way – she walked out of her marriage after meeting him. She is delighted to have finally got her man but she is desperate to keep it secret.”
FACE of the Day: Nicky Wire of The Manic Street Preachers performs at the O2 Brixton Academy in south London. Even his tears are made of gold. Yep. That’s the way you do it…
IGGY Pop’s torso is making a face. It’s not a pervy and homer Simpson’s face. It’s is merely a window on the soul.
WHEN Hello! asked: “Has Kate [Winslet] stuck up a new romance with Orlando?”, we met Orlando Searle. A photo of the actor showcased a hirsute man with a future as Sean Connery’s stunt chest. But Hello’s source had eyes only for the dinner Winslet was eating in his company at a “cosy lunch”:
“Kate enjoyed oysters and a chocolate fondant dessert – she was eating the food of love.”
“Like most people, I’ve come down to earth with a bit of a bump after all the excitement of Christmas and the New Year. This gloomy January weather doesn’t help but I’m not complaining because I was lucky enough to get my dose of winter sunshine on a New Year Family Disney cruise to the Caribbean.”
“I gave birth to him naturally, without any pain medication, and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it. I could not have done it without him.”
THE STATEMENT FROM KATIE PRICE
Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly – we all make mistakes and this was one. However, Alex changed from the man I fell in love with and some of his behaviour became difficult for me to understand and caused issues. I have tried to help him with these issues but they have put a considerable strain on our relationship.
Elton says the inspiration for having a baby of their own was their failed bid to adopt Ukrainian orphans Lev and his brother Artyom.
So, surrogacy it was. Elton and David Furnish looked through a selection of “egg donor profiles”. A woman was chosen whose skin tones would set off Elton’s red robe he sports for the shoot and David’s dancing eyes.? And they had to select a surrogate. She is “very knowledgeable about natural, organic products for children, the types of nappies to use, ways to feed the baby”.
She’s a rare find in a Californian woman.
SUSAN Boyle continues to live the dream. The email missive from Nigeria tells us that SuBo has scored a job as a secretary for Microsoft, specifically British Microsoft Award Secretary.
Starry stuff for the woman who dared.
The Good News!
IF only all Irish taxpayers could be like Bono? When he and the rest of U2 moved their publishing arm to the Netherlands in 2006 after the Government capped tax-free earnings for artists at €250,000, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. But then we realised that the Irish Government had no fecking clue how to spend taxpayers’ money and would most likely have spent the U2 harvest on art, Bernie Madoff T-shirts and cake.
MICHAEL Jackson Inc. has launched a new perfume. To connect with Jacko, his legion of fans can open the twin vials of Ebony & Ivory and dowse themselves in a rich emollient of embalming fluids with top notes of creosote over a deep base of Ronseal. Also hints of wine gum, burnt hair, Pepsi and for that added authenticity a dash of ground monkey foot. But we are wrong. The actual scent is made from the flowers that grew in his Neverland Ranch in sun-dabbled Beverley Hills.
Now the cool kids who want to remember their idol can small of Knobcone Pine, Brittlebush, Hairy Purple Bells, Blue Dicks-Ookow, Morning Glory and maybe other native Californian species.
This would be the same Kimberly Wyatt who seems to have worn a fur coat (see photo) and most definitely wears leather.
And Jodie Kidd is also on board. Kidd joins the protest to protect animals from the ravages of women trying to look good:
“I think designers have to be free to create what they want to create. Fur has always been around, whether the designer has chosen to just put it on some collars and cuffs or to put it right in your face in a full outfit. I’ve always been really open about what I’ll wear when I’m working. I’m just doing my job. Us models don’t have any creative impact on what we wear anyway, so we can’t really afford to take a moral stance on anything.”
THE Golden Globes 2011: The best video, gifs and action. and Ricky Gervais sounding just like Russell Brand. There’s is the new British accent in LA: