Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JOE Mott’s column in the Daily Star Sunday features a photo of Ricky Gervais and the line:
Not being bad, but if Ricky Gervais was homosexual, you’d be wondering if he was, you know, ill. His dramatic weight loss has left him looking like a dying man.”
IT must be slowly dawning on Mariah Carey that she’s not the only person on Earth who has ever had a baby. As each new stretch mark appears on her drum-taut stomach and each haemorrhoid pings like popcorn from her anus, her sheer will to make this whole pointless event special grows and grows.
Fact is, her new children are just another pair of things to occupy some vital space on our failing planet. They’re guaranteed to grow-up to be disappointing adults, drunk on their own sense of self worth and ultimately jaded at the prospect that they’re just things that live to ultimately die without ever achieving anything remotely great in their lives.
GOOD lord! Hollywood hasn’t got a history of using women as sex objects in movies… until now that is! See, the shock and scandal is that, in new action flick – Sucker Punch – Vanessa Hudgens and her costars all parade around in very little clothing and it has people all in a tizz!
In the film, onanists will be able to enjoy the bodies of Hudgens, Abbie Cornish, Emily Browning and more, all charging around in tiny slips of material. Of course, this has never happened before in the history of film.
As such, Variety were absolutely correct to gripe that this movie is nothing more than “fantasy fodder for 13-year-old guys” and that the assembled ladies are sporting nothing more than “demeaning fetish gear”.
Cor. Demeaning fetish gear eh? PHWOAR. The cinemas could well set ablaze with the friction from young men rubbing their thighs too furiously.
But whatever. Hudgens doesn’t agree with these mewing Mary Whitehouse sorts.
“I was in the best shape of my life, so why not? The woman’s body is a beautiful thing. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t, like, be our best in our costumes.”
Above her and to the side is a much larger photo of Kate Middleton, soon to be Mrs Prince William, Princess Catherine, Mrs Wales and Diana 2.
THIEVES may not have been very attentive at school but they’re not daft. Think about it – when you’re locked out of your house, instead of finding inventive ways in, you stand there staring at your dying battery symbol with all the futility of an ice-pop in an inferno, pacing around and worrying about looking like a dodgy swinebrained git.
In the time it takes you to wonder what you can lob through a window, a good burglar will have sneaked in, stolen your identity and killed your beloved dog before the alarm even kicked in.
COCO Pops are the cereal of the cheeky monkey child. Coco The Monkey has always embodied that vague notion of wacky rebellion, essentially being the spokessimian for those sticking two fingers up at those who say you can’t eat chocolate for your breakfast.
Of course, adults like to secretly gorge on Coco Pops even though they tell everyone in the office that they eat boring things like muesli and that most hideous of constructs, the ‘graze box’.
However, that’s all about to change as Kellogg’s have done something so incredibly stupid that we’ll probably see the end of Coco Pops existing as a thing.
DONALD Trump’s hair. Is it a ambulatory sign of the perils of making an apricot souffle? Is it a work of engineering marvels? Is it an attempt by Trump to stand out? Does Trump crave to be noticed, in much the same way that England and Manchester United’s Bobby Charlton hit upon the idea of wearing a novelty wig over this flowing chestnut locks?
KERRY Katona wants to clear up why her kidzzzz are in her new TV Show: Super (Market) Mum, aka Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter.
Having presented readers with diary entry entitled “MY RETURN TO MUSIC”, Kerry tells us why. OK! asks:
“Other celebrity mums have taken their kids out of the spotlight — but yours feature quite heavily in this series.”
On the cover of OK!, Nicola cradles her naked chest, pulls on a pair of short denim shorts and turns to face her audience. She may even have tossed back her hair from her face (chin dipped to bare shoulder; eyes raised) to allow nothing to get in the way of her telling us:
“I AM ANOREXIC.”
Nicola’s “eating disorder” might well be “devastating”, but what we want to know is: can it be turn on? Can anorexia be sexy? Can mental illness be alluring?
RUMOURS are floating around some imagined pop ether, noting that the Fugees may be reuniting to peddle out old hits and remind us how irritating Wyclef Jean is, how mental Lauren Hill has become and just who Pras Michel is at all.
This is the first time a reunion has been suggested, but this time, producer Jerry “Wonda” Duplessis is weighing in, saying that they may be getting back together.
Why should we trust someone called Duplessis?
CHARLIE Sheen, the stumbling, mumbling meme, should enjoy his brief renewal of fame – mainly because it is clearly going to end quickly and painfully. When he was on drugs, he was great fun. Like children round a dead dog, we thrilled as we poked him with a stick, dry-heaving at each deathly breath that came our way.
Then he went and spoiled it all by becoming self-aware. Tiger blood, it would seem, can convince a man that he’s actually of some importance to the world, when really, all we wanted was a tragic clown.
Having tossed a few pebbles, insults and bricks at the figure, we came to realise that it’s a statue that recreates the moment Jackson dangled his child from a window in Berlin way back in 2002.
We also lean that the effigy is the work of Swedish-born artist Maria von Kohler. It’s called Madonna and Child. And that’s odd because until now we’d only heard rumours that Madonna and Jackson created a baby. If they did, it might be best to keep the blanket over the chimera’s head until the features have settled down.
IMAGINE the towering gloom and endless pools of unyielding hate that a man must hold within to think that his life was in desperate need of Simon Cowell, perched at the foot of your bed while you have sex with your wife.
This may sound like some terrible daydream, but according to the eerily toothed talent-show mogul, this is what happened when someone invited him to critique his skills in the sack.
Note, this wasn’t a cash offer to see Cowell joining in, rather, to simply stand over the coitus and tut repeatedly and chirruping “you smashed it”.
“He offered me $150k to criticise him bonking his wife”
“The crazy part of the story is I said no. It would have been a much more interesting story now if I’d accepted the offer.”
THE Stone Roses – a band who made one decent LP, followed it up with a collection of odds-and-sods, then bowed out with a sludgy blokerock LP that avowed contrarians defend to the hilt – may be reuniting to pay off some mortgages and generally remind everyone just how awful they were live.
Of course, it was roughly one year ago that this persistent rumour was last muttered about, and it probably has as much truth in it as it ever has.
However, there’s legions of slightly balding men in Adidas shell-toes and cod-mod parkas all desperate to see the return of a band they could never quite let go of.
With that, the Ben Sherman crew will be pink with glee and fizzing at the mouth with nostalgia at the reports that Ian Brown and John Squire have made friends after not speaking for around 15 years.
Apparently, the two muttered to each other about playing together again after meeting at bandmate Mani’s mum’s funeral. Nice to see two lads talking business while a corpse slowly goes cold before them.
It’s said that Ian broke the ice at the wake, as well as displaying one of the longest faces in rock ‘n’ roll. Before long they were hugging, back-slapping and reminiscing about the good times.”
JAY-Z, for the most part, is a man you can trust. He’s given the world a frightening amount of great hip hop records, shared fine artists like Rihanna via his record label and, of course, he’s married to Beyonce which shows he has impeccable taste in the female form.
Or does he? You see, J-Hova has clearly lost his bap as he’s apparently come forward as a fan of Kerry Katona.
OUR world is a frightening and relentlessly cruel place. Each time a decent and talented person like Victoria Beckham tries to take one step forward in this crushing, unloving planet of ours, there’s something unimaginably horrible to make her inconsolable with grief, making her question her will to stay alive.
The latest tragedy to befall Posh will leave you, dear reader, with a palpable sense of injustice in the world.
Happily, most often when Katie meets a knife she has already been knocked out and placed on a surgeon’s gurney…
IF his preposterous pop-rap career wasn’t comedic enough, Plan B would apparently love to star in a comedy show on the television! Imagine the japes he could get up to! Telling his hilarious stories about selling a bit of weed way back when and ‘conquering soul music’! Haw haw!
Apparently, Plan B (real name Clarence Glans Thimbleberry III) would only do it… not that anyone has shown the vaguest bit of interest in giving him his own show… if he could showcase his ”sick” humour.
JEREMY Clarkson the likeable gang leader of TV’s Top Gear, has written of his apparent dislike of philanderers. Only, the Mirror says he might well be one. It introduces us to his alleged mistress Phillipa Sage:
TOP Gear star Jeremy Clarkson has been cheating on his wife with a pretty blonde during an international tour with the show.
Father-of-three Clarkson, 50, has been betraying his loyal wife of 18 years Frances in a brazen, ongoing affair with a work colleague.
The film is must see:
A half-shark, half-octopus creature created for the military, creates a whole lot of terror in Mexico while a scientist who helped created it tries to capture/kill it.
What were the military doing with a creature that is half-shark and half octopus? Was it going to spy on the Squwards (half giant squid – half sword fish that patrol the coast off Fukushima?) And the Jew sharks have been arousing suspicion?
For purposes of identification, Reese is the divorcee marrying in white. She may have had the seamstress complete the virginal look by placing a few stitches in her bottom drawers.
Of course, everyone’s hatred and projected loathing saw Rebecca Black reportedly earning an impressive $27,000 per week, leaving her to cry amongst toppling wealth. That’s the usual trade-off in fairness and at least she got it out of the way before the agony of adulthood broke into her brains and turned her into a listless, jaded husk of her former self.
That said, this hallowed out feeling has already started to creep into the bones of young Ms Black as she’s decided to indulge in a very adult activity – no, not that kind of activity you lisping pervert – as she’s all set to take out a lawsuit!
And so, are we to assume she’s going for the jugular against though who made incredibly harmful comments against her? Don’t be stupid! She’s going after the people who facilitated her fame!
THE budget may be taking us all roughly with no lubricant, Libya may well be about to explode like a giant box of catherine wheels and Japan may well consist of people stood solemnly staring at the catastrophic carnage, wondering where to begin when rebuilding such a beautiful country… but what about the really big news?
We’re talking specifically about the world of gyrating foetus, Justin Bieber or, more importantly, what Bieber’s girlfriend, Selena Gomez.
THE Help Japan benefit concert at the O2 Academy Brixton featured event organiser Liam Gallagher, Paul Weller, Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, Richard Ashcroft, The Coral and Primal Scream. This was a one-off gig last night in aid of relief efforts for victims of the Japan earthquake and tsunami.
“Whenever that kind of stuff happens, it’s not good, is it? It’s not just because we’re popular in Japan. As a human, you just think it’s heavy. We’ve always had close ties with Japan and great affection for our fans out there. Our hope is that this benefit concert can help the people of Japan.”
WE waited and we waited but there was no sign of Leandro Penna at Katie Price’s book signing in Basildon Essex. With no signature scent to call his own, we could not pick up even a whiff of the Argentinean model who has replaced Alex Reid in Katie’s Pampas.
In Waterstones, Katie, as ever, did it in pairs, signing two new books: her latest autobiography You Only Live Once (the story of March to (April 2009) and new novel, Paradise.