Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Troubled Kerry has been scoffing Chinese takeaways and beef curries after starving herself for months for the skating show. Her weight has crept up to eight- and-a-half stone and she has gone from a slinky size 8 to a curvy 10.
“Obviously, we’re very lucky to be expecting again, and this is the first time I’m going to say it: It’s a little girl. We’re still in shock. Obviously, having three boys, you kind of expect another one, so finding out a little girl is in there is surprising, but, obviously, we are over the moon. Our three boys are happy and excited, and Victoria is doing well.”
IN JAPAN, at least 40 people have been killed and 39 are missing after an earthquake of the magnitude 8.9 unleashed a 23ft tsunami. Bad news for them. And worrying for celebrities taking to twitter to advertise how much they care:
Shane Warne – he’s bearing up:
“Goodnight-everything crossed for people in japan and for the people who have a tsunami warning. No more natural disasters please-can’t cope.”
THE UK Asian Music in Photos: Asian music is credible and, vitally for the music biz, saleable. The likes of the excellent Asian Dub Foundation never made it big in the mainstream because the mechanism was not there to promote the acts in the media and secure recordable record sales (much Asian music is still sold in small shops and not recorded in official chart data).
TAMARA Ecclestone is talking about her life and money in OK!, as she did for Hello! way back in February. Back then she showed off her 17 Hermes Bikrin bags. She told us:
“For me, ‘spoilt’ means ruined, and I don’t feel ruined.”
Now Bernie’s daughter tells us:
“I’ve got about 50 pairs of Louboutins.”
She also tells us that she likes bargain hunting – “I’ve been to sample sale before.”
“I’d like to fade into non-existence until I meet someone.”
(Has Katie Price even been in the same room at the same time as Jordan? – ed)
We are given an insight into the scene in the Sun. A “thug” approaches. He asks:
“Where’s your girlfriend?”
Hello… Is married Dec playing away? No. The Sun explains:
The taunt referred to Ant’s comedy partner Declan Donnelly.
BRITNEY Spears is posing seductively for Out Magazine. Before the photos that are less airbrushing than airmopping, Britney says that she was once Audrey Hepburn, in a former life.
Hepburn went to the great tomato in the sky in 1993. Brit was hatched in 1981.
Other than that they are two peas in a pod: one a petite pois, the other a marafat pea ready to be mushed.
PETA are taking on Mike Tyson, the pigeon fancier formerly the baddest man on Earth. Tyson is on an Animal Planet TV show called Taking On Tyson. We are told:
Tyson, who once claimed that his former “pet” tigers “liked” being punched in the testicles and face, has now added pigeon abuse to his résumé. Racing pigeons are forced to fly hundreds of miles in all weather extremes as they attempt to get home. The pigeons are vulnerable to both natural predators such as hawks and cruel humans who view them as “pests.”
SUSAN Boyle gave Anorak its Photo of 2010. And now she gives us the the best photo of 2011. It’s early in the year but Susan Boyle’s “wee box” will be hard to top.
“PETER & ELEN – SUDDEN SEPARATION”
You might expect the headline to end with an elipse:
Peter And Elen Sudden Separation Form Reality.
But on Page 78, we learn that they pair have separated – he’s gone on holiday to Dubai with his kidzzzz. She’s gone to a “London Oscars party”.
DOES pop fuckwit Peter Doherty have a doppelganger who robbed a record store in Germany. Doherty is in Germany recording a film called “Confession of a child of the Century” (which would make him 11 and below the age of criminal intent.).
Reports from the Bavarian city of Regensburg are that three men were seen breaking into a music store, where they stole a guitar and records, and someone says one of them looked a lot like Doherty.
A German newspaper reports (translation via Google):
Doherty has received a subpoena from the police. In the afternoon, the musicians will be questioned at an undisclosed location to reproach. In addition, said police spokesman Michael Rebele the MDGs, the officials wanted to know from him who he was in the night in question was traveling in Regensburg.
A search of the hotel room on Tuesday evening had brought no further evidence. With a search warrant judicial officials had Doherty’s room in a hotel Regensburg combed through stolen property – without success.
WAKA Flocka Flame is Pete’s Dumb Animal of The Month. The star of PETA’s “I’d Rather Go Naked” drive is a tattooed rapper with a name like a Australian children’s toy barbecue.
SEAN Stewart, son of Rod Stewart, leaves his black shirt unbuttoned to just above his gazey navel, crosses his legs and allows the arm he’s using to dandle a flute of champagne be cradled by his finacee Chantelle Dreeson. Behind them is a black grand piano and a roaring fire.
Chantelle sports long legs, very blonde hair and a copy of what looks like an Archie comic inked onto her right forearm.
They look like a parody of Amsterdam hoteliers welcoming a party of rural German swingers. The interview promises to be special.
Sarah has a wedding planner for her big day. So much the norm. And she also has a ring. It’s a bit like the one Tom gave to her in the Maldives when he proposed. As she says:
“I wanted Sarah to look back on it and think, ‘He got that so right.’”
The question was:
“On a scale of one to five – with one being the best and five the worst – what pop star would you most like to see looking back at you when you have closed your eyes and then suddenly opened them during coitus or a spot of onanism?”
The results are:
10: Chris de Burgh
9: Papa Smurf
PHIL Collins says “no one will miss me“. Collins is not committing suicide – although he does live in Switzerland, where the Government is not insensitive to the effects of fierce civic pride on the psyche.
He’s retiring from music. Yep, you thought he bowed out years ago. But Collins tells FHM that he’s now officially out of music and “I don’t think anyone’s going to miss me. I’m much happier just to write myself out of the script entirely…”
Good of to tell us that he irrelevant and unlamented. God speed, Phil:
“I’m a very different person now. I saw some of this show of mine from 1985 and I was on-stage and I never stopped running, never stopped talking. The fact that people got so sick of me wasn’t really my fault. Yes there was a lot of me to dish out – there was me, me and Earth, Wind & Fire’s Phil Bailey, me and Genesis, me and that movie I was in, Buster – there was a lot of stuff. But I only made those records once.”
CHARLIE Sheen has been on Sheen’s Korner on the internet, an hour long show in which the self-styled tiger warlock creates Sheenisms from the fairy dust and a-grade bogies between his ears.
The UStream webcast featured 100,000 viewers at its peak, almost 99,000 of which were waiting for Sheen’s goddesses to appear and turn down the duvet.
The show can be summed up on one line from Sheen’s elegant mouth:
“Now what? We’re out of material.”
JAMES Allan of Glasvegas performed during the recording of Topman CTRL MX, in Stoke Newington in north London. So too did Veronica Falls. But the star was Edwyn Collins. Good to see him back.
There’s more to music than Simon Cowell’s pap factory…
LOOK out Haiti, Charlie Sheen is bringing his “tsunami” to a pile of crack rock rubble near you. It’s not tasteless to tie your quest for fame to human misery – it’s not like Sheen’s heading to Indonesia.
Sheen tells Access Hollywood that he;ll be travelling with Sean Penn:
“We’re going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we’re heading down (to Haiti). And I’m excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting.”
KATIE Waissel shows she DOES have a heart – for Heart FM’s charity appeal
CHARLIE Sheen, who lives with resting porn star Rachel Oberlin (aka Bree Olson – photos) and Natalie Kenly (aka The Nanny) is talking with Pete Samson, the Sun’s US editor.
Sheen has been getting into character for his role as Colonel Gaddafi in the biopic of the Libyan dictator’s life, unfurling an umbrella up his urethra and declaring himself clean and fit to rule.
Highlights of the interview with the self-styled warlock possessed of curative tiger blood in his veins (this might be the break Julian Sands has been waiting for – the Frosties gig is his to lose) are:
“The Goddesses rule. They rule the kingdom. I got a chance to label them before the world did and now they’re the Goddesses. Those two are like the toughest cats in the room.”
CHARLIE Sheen is escrow to buy a has six bedroom and eight bathrooms $7.5 million pile in Beverley Hills. The current owner is Mike Medavoy, producer of Natalie Portman’s angst and ballet flick Black Swan. Sheen might move in with Bree Olson, star of unapologetic porn. And others might move in too. Sheen sleeps three-to-a-bed just now – with just one bed in each room, there’s enough space for the actor and 17 members of his Porn Family…
IN 1968, the world of pop music was beginning to fragment, as ‘serious’ musicians were began to establish a new order. This sea change was symbolised by a single Beatles number: ‘With A Little Help From My Friends’ – the ‘Ringo song’ from Sgt Pepper. When Joe Cocker released his cover version, the accompanying ad featured a cartoon Starr with a speech bubble that ran: ‘Hey Joe, don’t make it bad… Take a sad song and make it better.’ The contrast between the dapper drummer, pictured in his Carnaby Street clobber, and the wild-looking Cocker could not have been clearer. It was a graphic illustration of the divergent ‘pop’ and ‘rock’ sensibilities that had now emerged.