Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
IMAGINE the towering gloom and endless pools of unyielding hate that a man must hold within to think that his life was in desperate need of Simon Cowell, perched at the foot of your bed while you have sex with your wife.
This may sound like some terrible daydream, but according to the eerily toothed talent-show mogul, this is what happened when someone invited him to critique his skills in the sack.
Note, this wasn’t a cash offer to see Cowell joining in, rather, to simply stand over the coitus and tut repeatedly and chirruping “you smashed it”.
“He offered me $150k to criticise him bonking his wife”
“The crazy part of the story is I said no. It would have been a much more interesting story now if I’d accepted the offer.”
THE Stone Roses – a band who made one decent LP, followed it up with a collection of odds-and-sods, then bowed out with a sludgy blokerock LP that avowed contrarians defend to the hilt – may be reuniting to pay off some mortgages and generally remind everyone just how awful they were live.
Of course, it was roughly one year ago that this persistent rumour was last muttered about, and it probably has as much truth in it as it ever has.
However, there’s legions of slightly balding men in Adidas shell-toes and cod-mod parkas all desperate to see the return of a band they could never quite let go of.
With that, the Ben Sherman crew will be pink with glee and fizzing at the mouth with nostalgia at the reports that Ian Brown and John Squire have made friends after not speaking for around 15 years.
Apparently, the two muttered to each other about playing together again after meeting at bandmate Mani’s mum’s funeral. Nice to see two lads talking business while a corpse slowly goes cold before them.
It’s said that Ian broke the ice at the wake, as well as displaying one of the longest faces in rock ‘n’ roll. Before long they were hugging, back-slapping and reminiscing about the good times.”
JAY-Z, for the most part, is a man you can trust. He’s given the world a frightening amount of great hip hop records, shared fine artists like Rihanna via his record label and, of course, he’s married to Beyonce which shows he has impeccable taste in the female form.
Or does he? You see, J-Hova has clearly lost his bap as he’s apparently come forward as a fan of Kerry Katona.
OUR world is a frightening and relentlessly cruel place. Each time a decent and talented person like Victoria Beckham tries to take one step forward in this crushing, unloving planet of ours, there’s something unimaginably horrible to make her inconsolable with grief, making her question her will to stay alive.
The latest tragedy to befall Posh will leave you, dear reader, with a palpable sense of injustice in the world.
Happily, most often when Katie meets a knife she has already been knocked out and placed on a surgeon’s gurney…
IF his preposterous pop-rap career wasn’t comedic enough, Plan B would apparently love to star in a comedy show on the television! Imagine the japes he could get up to! Telling his hilarious stories about selling a bit of weed way back when and ‘conquering soul music’! Haw haw!
Apparently, Plan B (real name Clarence Glans Thimbleberry III) would only do it… not that anyone has shown the vaguest bit of interest in giving him his own show… if he could showcase his ”sick” humour.
JEREMY Clarkson the likeable gang leader of TV’s Top Gear, has written of his apparent dislike of philanderers. Only, the Mirror says he might well be one. It introduces us to his alleged mistress Phillipa Sage:
TOP Gear star Jeremy Clarkson has been cheating on his wife with a pretty blonde during an international tour with the show.
Father-of-three Clarkson, 50, has been betraying his loyal wife of 18 years Frances in a brazen, ongoing affair with a work colleague.
The film is must see:
A half-shark, half-octopus creature created for the military, creates a whole lot of terror in Mexico while a scientist who helped created it tries to capture/kill it.
What were the military doing with a creature that is half-shark and half octopus? Was it going to spy on the Squwards (half giant squid – half sword fish that patrol the coast off Fukushima?) And the Jew sharks have been arousing suspicion?
For purposes of identification, Reese is the divorcee marrying in white. She may have had the seamstress complete the virginal look by placing a few stitches in her bottom drawers.
Of course, everyone’s hatred and projected loathing saw Rebecca Black reportedly earning an impressive $27,000 per week, leaving her to cry amongst toppling wealth. That’s the usual trade-off in fairness and at least she got it out of the way before the agony of adulthood broke into her brains and turned her into a listless, jaded husk of her former self.
That said, this hallowed out feeling has already started to creep into the bones of young Ms Black as she’s decided to indulge in a very adult activity – no, not that kind of activity you lisping pervert – as she’s all set to take out a lawsuit!
And so, are we to assume she’s going for the jugular against though who made incredibly harmful comments against her? Don’t be stupid! She’s going after the people who facilitated her fame!
THE budget may be taking us all roughly with no lubricant, Libya may well be about to explode like a giant box of catherine wheels and Japan may well consist of people stood solemnly staring at the catastrophic carnage, wondering where to begin when rebuilding such a beautiful country… but what about the really big news?
We’re talking specifically about the world of gyrating foetus, Justin Bieber or, more importantly, what Bieber’s girlfriend, Selena Gomez.
THE Help Japan benefit concert at the O2 Academy Brixton featured event organiser Liam Gallagher, Paul Weller, Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics, Richard Ashcroft, The Coral and Primal Scream. This was a one-off gig last night in aid of relief efforts for victims of the Japan earthquake and tsunami.
“Whenever that kind of stuff happens, it’s not good, is it? It’s not just because we’re popular in Japan. As a human, you just think it’s heavy. We’ve always had close ties with Japan and great affection for our fans out there. Our hope is that this benefit concert can help the people of Japan.”
WE waited and we waited but there was no sign of Leandro Penna at Katie Price’s book signing in Basildon Essex. With no signature scent to call his own, we could not pick up even a whiff of the Argentinean model who has replaced Alex Reid in Katie’s Pampas.
In Waterstones, Katie, as ever, did it in pairs, signing two new books: her latest autobiography You Only Live Once (the story of March to (April 2009) and new novel, Paradise.
THE Miley Cyrus sex doll is finally here. The photo on the box is less overtly sexual than many of Miley’s wholesome poses.
The Finally Miley love doll boasts “3 achey love holes“.
And inside the paper we read that Kerry Katona is NOT back with ex-hubby Brian McFadden, who has “split with his Australian love Delta Goodrem”.
It is rumoured Brian, 30, might now return to the UK for good.
That’s Brian McFadden, the singer born and raised in Dublin?
SUSAN Boyle is 50. We went to see her open cards at her house in Blackburn, Scotland. The woman is warm, gracious and immensely likable. She’s every inch the untypical star…
OPRAH Winfrey wants to let loose her team of stylists on Donald Trump. If he consents to the treatment, we may finally get to see what Trump keeps under his Tidal Wave of hair; that “sunken apricot soufflé“; that UNESCO site of special scientific interest.
Anorak has long suspected that the Trump fringe is maintained by a trained midget gibbon sat on tiny rocking horse.
Page 6 reports:
“Oprah” producers also vowed to treat Trump’s makeover with “integrity” and “not let it become a joke or silly.”
It’s not easy to make a new joke of Trump’s hair, and even Oprah won’t try.
Trump’s hair lived on to fight another day. Now Oprah steps forward to issue the challenge. Will Trump yield? Will we get to see the monkey..?
KAY Burley, the impartial, student-worrying face of Sky News who once wiped out the entire Eastern seaboard of the USA and cuddled Peter Andre, (but not Barry George), has written a book called First Ladies.
The Isle of Man is a British Crown Dependency with its own parliament for matters domestic. You’d imagine that anyone born there would want to get off as soon as possible, and anyone else would only want to get on the island if they were lost, looking for some version of a bygone Britain or a place to stash their filthy lucre and mentally negligible relatives.
The tableau is at Stuart’s home in Palm Beach, Florida. Hello! is there to see them.
Penny tells us that during pregnancy she got leg cramps and suffered from acid heartburn.
We then get his story of when Aiden was born in the water:
Penny: “They put a mirror at the bottom of the pool and shone a light in and said, ‘There he is. Look how much hair he’s got!’ Rod said, ‘His hair’s the same colour as yours was when you were modelling…”
KYLIE Minogue plays Glasgow’s SECC on a leg of her Aphrodite Tour 2011. The show was more Carry On Kylie than concert. It would make a half-decent comic-musical – with Babs Windsor as Old Mrs Aphrodite and Bradley Walsh as ‘Muttons’…
This might be the most contrived headline of the year as Peter Andre, managed by Can Associates, is seen with his face close to that of Amy Childs, managed by…Can Associates.
The photo suggests that Can Associates favours The Orange System for its stars. While the greater celebrity world operates a list from A to Z, life in Can’s Petri Dish moves from Peachy Orange all the way to Carrot, Deep Carrot, Amber, Tangerine and the legendary Vermillion. The ultimate level is termed “Combust”.
“JORDAN DROVE ME TO SUICIDE”
So. Alex Reid is dead?
Says Sarah Lane, 27, an American Ballet Theatre soloist whose body and feet were featured in the film, while her head was replaced by Portman’s:
“Of the full body shots, I would say 5 percent are Natalie. All the other shots are me.”
“Little Angel, meanwhile, is the beautiful legacy of Melanie’s short-lived love affair with superstar Eddie Murphy. Although the relationship ended badly before Angle was born, Melanie and Eddie made their peace long ago, and the Hollywood star now occasionally sees this daughter.”