Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Helping readers spot Nazis and other far-Right loons is the Daily Star. The paper that once cheered for the EDL leads with a picture of erstwhile panto dame Chris Biggins, formerly of Celebrity Big Brother, dressed as a Nazi. Is this how he chillaxes at home?
No. This is his work gear. Says the Star:
Disgraced CBB housemate Biggins dresses as Nazi in unearthed video
The Star adds:
IN a story that keeps getting worse, Christopher Biggins once appeared on television dressed as a Nazi.
Biggins is now on par with – in no special order – Ricky Gervais, Ralph Fiennes, Roger Moore, Michael Fassbender, Alec Guinness, Michael Caine, Marlon Brando, Donald Duck and various actors on TV’s Dad’s Army. Biggins must be delighted. Who knew he could act so well?
Grainy footage has surfaced of the pantomime star appearing in sketch wearing a full Nazi uniform.
Oh, yes he did.
It couldn’t come at a worse time for Biggins, who was booted from the CBB house on Friday for making offensive comments towards X Factor star Katie Waissel.
Waissel should get a grip. Big Brother should stop being so censorious and killing its own show. Biggins should get some new material. Lest you missed the joke, Biggins (not a Jew) told Waisell (is a Jew) she had best be careful in the showers. Geddit?! If you did, you should like Jerry Sadowitz (is a Jew), who often starts his shows by telling the Jews to head to the shower blocks.
An insider from the show told The Sun: “I was part of the crew in 1997 and we were filming a ‘joke’ gameshow called Vahalla or Bust as part of a BBC documentary. Biggins didn’t seem to mind dressing as a Nazi at all, and didn’t question the morality of it.”
Well, to take the piss out of Nazis, it can be useful to dress as one.
Plastic surgery / cosmetic surgery matters only to the person who opted for it. So, then, to the face worn by Renee Zellweger, which triggers the Daily Mirror story: “Renee Zellweger blasts back after plastic surgery claims: ‘I did not make a decision to alter my face’.”
Which begs the question: who did? Or maybe the wind changed and, as your mum warned you, she stayed like that?
The Mirror adds:
She penned a thoughtful essay where she slammed “humiliating” attacks on her appearance. But Renee Zellweger’s critics have continued to speculate after she denied having plastic surgery, telling the Bridget Jones Diary actress that if she has had work done, she should “own it”.
Own it. Own your own face? The Mirror’s quote comes from a tweet, which opined in a vacuous command: “Be proud and own it girl.”
In her thoughtful essay for Huffington Post, Renee responded to accusations she had an eye lift back in October 2014 , “not that it’s anyone’s business”.
The essay might well have been thoughtful, but it was for nought: two years on and the Mirror is all over it.
Vogue also covers the story:
“In October 2014, a tabloid newspaper article reported that I’d likely had surgery to alter my eyes,” the Bridget Jones actress wrote in a letter for The Huffington Post. “It didn’t matter; just one more story in the massive smut pile generated every day by the tabloid press and fuelled by exploitative headlines and folks who practice cowardly cruelty from their anonymous internet pulpits.”
“Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I did not make a decision to alter my face and have surgery on my eyes. This fact is of no true import to anyone at all, but that the possibility alone was discussed among respected journalists and became a public conversation is a disconcerting illustration of news/entertainment confusion and society’s fixation on physicality.”
Why was Christopher Biggins kicked out of the Celebrity Big Brother house?
In the “Real reason Christopher Biggins was removed from Celebrity Big Brother house LEAKED”, the Daily Mirror promises to reveal all.
When news broke yesterday about his shock departure, we learned that the star had allegedly made a sick joke about Nazi concentration camps.
So bad was Biggins’ joke that Katie Waissel, a former X Factor contestant (more on her here), was reduced to “teas”.
As Katie reaches for the sugars, know that the Mirror’s story about is based on a Daily Star story. The paper adds:
Now, The Sun Online is reporting that he also made an offensive comment about people with AIDS.
What did he say, then?
As the CBB celebs queued up to use the bathroom shortly after waking up, The Sun reports he said to the former X Factor star: “You had better be careful or they will put you in a shower or take you to a room!”
Waissel was left in “tears” by that. The Mirror then tells us that Katie Waissel’s mum has called for “a police probe”. Oh, puh-lease. This is so pathetic. A weak joke is a crime? And it clearly was a joke. If that comment reduces to Waissel to tears and teas she should toughen up.
Another story in the Mirror notes in headline that might well be beyond parody:
Celebrity Big Brother Christopher Biggins ‘Nazi transcript’ is a FAKE confirm Channel 5
Do people know what anti-Semitism looks like? Not, Shami Chakrabarti, clearly. She can’t see antisemitism over all that ermine. Biggins is no Nazi. That’s plain to see.
The Mirror continues to milk the gnat’s teat by asking in yet another story on Biggins:
Has Christopher Biggins’ shocking comments ruined all his good work?
No. But don’t take our word for it. The Jewish News notes:
Christopher Biggins’ Jewish agent defends star over ‘Nazi gas chamber’ jibe
Showbiz agent Jonathan Shalit, who represents Biggins, told Jewish News: “I have been close friends and worked with Biggins for many years and can confirm that he would never intentionally cause offence. If something was said in jest which caused offence then I am certain that was not his intention. Biggins is a much loved and wonderful man.”
It’s not the causing offence that is the issue – it’s if someone thinks you are causing offence that matters in these censorious times. You can be an unwitting racist.
Biggies told Sun on Sunday: “I am mortified by what has happened. Most of my friends are Jewish. I apologise. I love Jewish people. My best friend is Lesley Joseph and you don’t get more Jewish than that.”
As the righteous media grade Joseph for her Jewishness, we read in the Mirror what else the old stager said:
He joined in a discussion with Renee Graziano and Frankie Grande on sexuality and when asked if she had a problem with gay people, the Mobs Wives star said: “When you’re gay you’re gay. And I think it’s beautiful because I think it’s who you are and it’s natural. But I think today in society they kind of force things on people and they confuse you.”
Man who says gays are beautiful is ousted from TV show for causing offence? We live in odd, offence-seeking times, indeed, readers.
Biggins then went on to claim bisexual people are the “worst type”, telling the pair: “I think the worst type though is, I’m afraid to say, the bisexuals. What it is is people not wanting to admit they are gay.”
The Mirror then notes:
And on Saturday it emerged that he was partly removed because he claimed bisexuals are to blame for AIDS during a shocking outburst.
Which part of him was removed? His mouth? His foreskin? His hair? He said:
“Gays had been really badly treated for so long. Then came a period where they were respected. But suddenly, a killer disease then came along which was attributed to homosexuals – but it was actually a bisexual disease. What the government didn’t realise is that there were bisexuals out there who were having sex with those people. They then brought it back to their families over here and in America. That’s how it became a worldwide disease. Whoever investigated AIDS f***ked up big time.”
In a welter of stupidity, however, the price for opportunism must got to Big Brother, which summoned Biggins into the Diary Room and in words George Orwell would surely appreciate, ruled:
“On Monday in a conversation with Katie when she remarked she was not in the house to represent the Jewish community, your comment was plainly capable of causing offence to Katie and the viewing public.
“Big Brother spoke to you about your language. When BB pointed out to you that your language was capable of great offence you apologised and indicated you understood the seriousness of the situation.
“But you have continued to use unacceptable language.”
Once upon a time, the Celebrity Big Brother VIP silo was a bit of fun, a chance to see forgotten-faces of TV stars you thought were dead or living in Spain. Now it’s a miserable place, where free speech is trampled on and everyone is watched lest they cause offence. It’s getting to be a lot like modern Britain.
In Samantha Fox’s Big Boob Hell”, the Daily Star looks at the former Page 3 stalwart now starring on Celebrity Big Brother, and says: “My boobs were too big for Page 3.”
How about Page 3 and Page 4?
“I asked my mum if I looked fat in a dress because my boobs looked too big in it. She said, ‘Your boobs are great’. I only realised they were fine when other women began paying for surgery to have boobs like mine.”
Did women really browse the aisle of Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s surgery and say ‘I’ll have the Sams’? And did they realise that having ‘Sams’ is akin to being in hell – a hell that looks like being caught in your undies riding a small rocking horse:
“TIME to bing back the Great British passport,” demands the Sun. It’s front-page news. The paper says the blue passport is a “symbol of the UK regaining sovereignty from the EU”.
We want a pledge from No10 to reintroduce the true blue, ditched in 1988 for an EU-approved burgundy passport.
Tory MP Andrew Rosindell adds: “It’s a matter of identity. Having the pink European passports has been a humiliation.”
It’s burgundy, Andrew. Your old analogue driving licence was pink. Colour matters. Your passport is a fashion choice. Don’t believe us – believe actress Liz Hurley, then, who when not using the Union flag as a merkin, is saying things like:
“I yearn for the days when my (gorgeous navy blue) passport got stamped when I went anywhere in Europe and I loved puzzling over fistfuls of Italian lire, French francs and Deutschmarks. It was glamorous and exciting.”
The Sun shows us John Lennon’s old British passport. It was blue. Did Lennon go for the pink one? No. Granted, he was dead before it was introduced. Yes, he did chose in live in America. But the Sun has made it’s point – the pink one is not what the resting Beatle would have wanted. “Imagine,” says Lennon, “there are no countries… that don’t show due respect to the Great British Blue passport.”
Formula One boss Bernie Ecclestone’s mother-in-law has been kidnapped in Sao Paulo, not far from the race track:
According to Brazilian magazine Veja, Aparecida Schunck, 67, was taken on Friday in the neighbourhood of Interlagos, Sao Paulo with her kidnappers said to be demanding a ransom of 120 million Brazilian reals [£28m].
As sports fans head to Rio for the Olympics, and athletes put their running skills to good use avoiding muggers, jihadis attacks and the Zika virus, we learn that Aparecida is mother to Ecclestone’s current wife Fabiana Flosi, 38.
Will 85-year-old Bernie pay up?
Will his daughter Tamara Ecclestone forgo another exclusive handbag to see a woman freed from the criminals?
Happy birthday, Mick Jagger, born on this day 1943. Here is the Rolling Stones singer performing Dancing in The Street with David Bowie.
Former England footballer Paul Gascoigne has triggered “fears”. The Sun shows a picture of Gazza and says, “There were new fears for Paul Gascoigne last night after he accidentally exposed himself in the street.”
What street? Who was watching or, rather, being exposed to? What did he expose, accidentally?
All will be revealed soon enough.
For now, we’re grateful the Sun is here to help Gascoigne and relay news of his latest humiliation, sorry, suffering to us. To recap: Gazza, as he is known, is not dead. In 2008 the no less caring Daily Star reported beneath the headline “Gazza dead and gone for good”: “FUN-LOVING football legend Paul Gascoigne is ‘dead’, his TV star stepdaughter Bianca revealed last night.”
They were wrong. “The former England star is seriously ill with depression, and Bianca admits his family is powerless to help him,” the Star continued. Gascoigne was not dead then. He remains not dead now.
Today we see a photo of Gascoigne in a dressing gown. A generous black triangle hangs over his crotch. The paper reports:
The football icon heading to buy booze in only a dressing gown stumbled barefooted from his flat with a bent cigarette hanging from his lips. Slurring his words, Gazza, 49, climbed into a taxi before returning with a bottle of gin, cigs and painkillers. As he stepped out of the cab his gown fell open revealing he was naked underneath.
Again, let’s recap: man comes out of his home; a passing photographer takes the trouble to take pictures of him and alert the Sun newspaper; the Sun publishes the pictures in the hope Gascoigne can be helped.
The paper says a photo it published in March of Gazza’s bruised face “made him realise how low he had sunk”. Gascoigne “admitted” this when he appeared on Good Morning Britain (see below). It’s not about gawping at a man with issues and exploiting him to sell pictures and papers. It’s about caring.
Here’s Gascoigne thanking the press on GMB after the Sun published that photo of his face after a “drunken fall”:
Know what time it is with this cuckoo clock in the form of the axe scene from The Shining. On the hour every hour Jack Torrance with menace you with a “Here’s Johnny!”. For added homeliness, Shelley Duvall’s character will scream her head off.
It’s made by Chris Dimino.
The post-Brexit UK was, as the Daily Mirror put it with a front-page photo of a large black hole, a leap into the unknown. Where the Mirror saw danger, chaos and, if the country voted Leave and thereby fell into that hole, death for all, others saw adventure and opportunity. Who embodies the spirt of rosy-fingered dawns over new horizons better than Sir Richard Branson, founder of the Virgin brand and the man who signed the Sex Pistols – those working-class dupe-proof advocates for Anarchy in the UK and a rejection of the tired, old Establishment.
Branson opines axiomatically on his company’s website, “In order to think outside the box, avoid getting into one. There is no need to accept accepted thinking. Remember, it was once accepted that the world was flat.”
“If you don’t let anybody build a box around you, then you will never have to think outside of the box. Basically, in order to think outside the box, avoid getting into one.
“But if you do find yourself getting boxed in, think to yourself: I will only think outside the box when the box is empty. Get everything you can out of a situation, but keep an eye out for the next opportunity.”
The box was the European Union. The vote to get out of it was a vote for a bigger planet view that doesn’t end where the EU border lies. But Branson is scared. He is not eyeing the next opportunity. Sky News reports that this knight of the realm “has held secret talks with Theresa May in an effort to boost his plea for a second referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union (EU).”
In a blog-post published on 27 June, Sir Richard wrote:
“The vast majority of MPs voted in by the electorate want the UK to stay part of Europe. In light of the misrepresentations of the Leave campaign, Parliament should reject the results of this non-binding referendum as Nicola Sturgeon has announced she will do in Scotland’s Parliament.”
How’s that for thinking outside the box? Ignore the anti-Establishment risk-takers, the people who voted for change, and side with the elite who want to snuff out democracy. ‘Safety-first,’ says box-ticking bureaucratic Branson. Big business must take priority over independence and “screwing it, just doing it”, something he advises we do in one of his “lessons for life”. Richard is now of the “screw you, the multi-nationals and connected are in charge”.
To paraphrase the Sex Pistols, We Do Mind the Bollocks. We voted against it.
For those of you who missed the moment when Kerry and her family went to Thorpe Park, on June 6 the Daily Mail published 21 photos of Kerry and Molly on their family day out. The Mail announced in a headline: “Molly McFadden can’t hide her delight as she enjoys rollercoaster ride at Thorpe Park with her mother.”
Now on June 23, the Mail tells is readers, “It was only on social media that things escalated, with Molly being criticised for her weight and Kerry’s parenting skills called into question.”
Curse that social media for fomenting upset and those “vile” comments. It’s nothing like the, er, online Daily Mail, whereon you can read comments like:
Her daughter is seriously overweight, people get sensitive when it comes to weight and children – but her health is already at risk from a very young age. If anything she should take this as a wake up call.
Molly shouldn’t be in the papers- Kerry shouldn’t put herself in that position with her family.
A cruel, mean, bullying article very loosely & badly disguised as a ‘fun day out’ article.
You nasty cruel bunch. Publishing some unflattering images of a young girl, making out the story is all about her having a jolly day out. . Do you all feel better about yourselves now DM ? Having a rubbish Monday and thought you would have a laugh at a 14 year old girls expense ?! That’s plain Nasty
Nice to see her spending time with her daughters. She needs to keep an eye on Molly’s weight though.
Children don’t get to be that size when they’re happy so she’s comfort eating to deal with her issues and the blame for that lies squarely with her mother.
The little girl looks troubled
Those online trolls, eh.
Good news for Wilnelia Forsyth, wife of entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth. In a Daily Mirror story on daughters who looks like wives and vice versa, the paper looks at “celebs’ young partners [who] get mixed up with kids”.
Dean Gaffney, 38, famous for being the dog handler who scored a job on EastEnders with the highly talented canine thespian Well ‘Ard, has twin daughters, 19, who look a fair bit like his lover, 23. William Shatner, 85, is married to a 58-year-old and has a daughter also 58. Des O’Connor’s wife is three-years younger than one of his daughters. And Hulk Hogan’s second wife Jennifer, 42, and daughter, 28, are unsettling alike.
So what of Brucie’s babes? His wife is 58 and his daughter is 39. The Mirror asks “Can you work out which is which”? Yes. We can. Although Wilnelia will be buoyed that the Mirror’s features editor thinks its a tricky challenge.
Sick of listening to experts in money, war and politics talking on the EU Referendum? Us too. thankfully, the Daily Star has produced a double-page feature on what non-exerts have been saying. Not one of these people has bene elected for public office, but they have been on the telly. Some of the quotes are fantastic.
“If it means we can go back to using decent lightbulbs and hairdryers, I’m joining Brexit” – Liz Huley , expert in wearing dresses
“The European Union reminds me of an overpriced, badly run hotel” – Alex Polizzi recommends a new UK with neutral colours and a kettle in every room
“The EU is like a huge rock festival: Everyone has colour-coded passes and there are no wars” – Eddie Izard has never watched The Rolling Stones at Altamont, nor STEPS during the school holidays
And the pick of the bunch:
“Britain is not just stronger in Europe, it is more creative and imaginative” – Benedict Cumberbatch, the actor who made his name as playing the pre EU Sherlock Homles
Who wants to see Laura Carter in an “explicit sex tape”? Well, not any of the 634 people who complained to Ofcom that seeing Carter being felt up in the Big Brother house was too much before the 9pm watershed. Of course, you can watch the sex tape any time you like. A video of Carter being spit roasted / dry roasted by a “Premier League footballer” is “set to go online”, says the Daily Star in its front-page exclusive.
The video is “so hot it already attracted a £10,000 bid”, says the paper. And we turn the page. No self-respecting sex tape star gets into bed or even onto the kitchen table for ten grand. Which is why the Star relegates the scoop to Page 15, where we read that Carter is “unaware a video has been offered for sale for £10,000”.
“This isn’t what she wanted,” says “a pal”. Indeed, one images it is not. Ten grand for a sex tape. It’s as insulting as it is derisory.
For the third issue of HUP comic in 1989, cartoonist Robert Crumb turned his eye on real estate tycoon Donald Trump, “one of the most evil men alive”. Crumb despised the 1980s greed he saw embodied in “venal” Trump. In 1991, Crumb left the USA for a Trump-free life in bucolic France.
The Star is so delighted with the news it illustrates the story with a picture of, er, Donna Air and James Middleton, brother to Pippa and Kate.
Let’s hope their new daughter Iris makes a better job of recognising the proud parents.
Yes! Yes! Yes!!! That’s the sound of channel 5 executives celebrating. Big Brother remains relevant as Ofcom launches an inquiry after contestants Laura Carter and Marco Pierre White Jr groped, grunted, frotted and reached on the Channel 5 show before the 9pm watershed.
Why did Channel 4 reject the show that continues to titillate the great unwashed, allowing it to slip over to Channel 5?
More than 600 people have complained at seeing White, the son of a celebrity chef of the same name, slide his hands down Carte’s knicker – whilst she was wearing them. Who knew that Channel 5 had such a big audience for Big Brother? Of course, we cannot overlook the chance that many of the 634 outraged citizens who called Ofcom to complain work in TV. Moan and groan enough and – hey, presto! – Big Brother is all over the tabloids.
A spokesperson for Ofcom says: “We’re investigating whether sexual scenes in this episode of Big Brother exceeded generally accepted standards for its time of broadcast.”
If it did it will be tied up and whipped. Yes!
‘Paedophile’ Sir Clement Freud lived close to where Madeleine McCann went missing as police ‘urged to probe link’
Sir Clement Freund, who died in 2009, was a paedophile? The Mirror wants us to consider it. But it’s uncertain if the dead man molested or raped or kidnapped children so it’s placed the word “paedophile” inside inverted commas. How fair is that.
Freud is believed to have sexually abused girls as young as 11, a documentary has claimed, and invited the McCanns to his Portuguese villa after she disappeared
Believed. By whom and why? And – get this – Freud reached out to the McCanns after not before their child vanished.
First up, we can look at who says the dead man did criminal things to innocent children.
Sylvia Woosley, now in her late seventies, said she was repeatedly assaulted by Freud over 60 years ago. A second woman claimed the former star of Radio 4’s Just a Minute panel game raped her aged 18 after years of grooming that included taking her on trips to the House of Commons.
Just a Minute is on the BBC. It’s a hat-trick of the tabloids game of Paedo Hunt for Freud: MP. Tick. BBC employee. Tick. Dead. Tick.
Former Crown Prosecution Service chief Nazir Afzal told the ITV Exposure programme that Freud, who died in 2009 aged 84, would have been charged with child sex offences based on Sylvia’s case if he was still alive.
He said: “I would have no doubt there is sufficient evidence to prosecute Sir Clement Freud.”
What the current CPS chief thinks we are not told. But it’s good to see Afzal finds life after service as TV pundit. Can Sylvia’s claims be tested?
Freud’s widow Jill, now 89, said in response to the film: “This is a very sad day for me. I was married to Clement for 58 years and loved him dearly. I am shocked, deeply saddened and profoundly sorry for what has happened to these women. I sincerely hope they will now have some peace.”
Now back to the paper’s ‘Our Maddie’ news:
‘Paedophile’ Sir Clement Freud had a villa in the resort Madeleine McCann vanished from and befriended her parents in the weeks after she went missing. Detectives investigating the three-year-old’s disappearance from in Praia da Luz, Portugal, in 2007 have been alerted to the revelation and are reportedly expected to assess the new information before deciding if it may be relevant to the inquiry.
Did the McCanns ever visit with Freud?
They were invited to his house twice after Madeleine vanished and kept in contact by phone and email…. Writing about their first meeting – two months after Madeleine vanished – Kate wrote in her book Madeleine: “I’m usually very intimidated by people with brains the size of planets but Clement was incredibly warm, funny and instantly likeable.”
He had cooked a watercress and egg salad followed by a chicken and mushroom risotto which was “the best risotto we’ve ever tasted before or since”.
He invited them for dinner again in September that year but they cancelled because they had been named arguidos in the investigation. But they did go to his house for drinks later in the evening and he was dressed in a nightshirt watching a cookery show.
The depraved old bast…
Kate wrote of the meeting: “He gave me one of his looks and a giant glass of brandy, and managed to get a smile out of me with his greeting: ‘So, Kate, which of the devout Catholic, alcoholic, depressed, nymphomaniac parts is correct?’ Clement cheered us up with his lugubrious wit, and would continue to do so by email after his return to England,” she added.
The Telegraph has more: “Sir Clement Freud exposed as a paedophile as police urged to probe Madeleine McCann links.”
Exposed? Surely it has been alleged or claimed.
Sir Clement Freud, the former broadcaster and politician, was exposed on Tuesday night as a paedophile who sexually abused girls as young as 10 for decades.
Sylvia Woosley said Freud befriended her family in 1948, when he was working at a hotel in the South of France, and started abusing her when she was 10.
Four years later, following a family crisis, her mother asked Freud and his wife Jill if they would look after Mrs Woosley, and she found herself living under the same roof as her abuser, being brought up as a daughter. The abuse continued until she managed to move away when she was 19…
A second woman wishes to remain anonymous. She alleges:
Another woman told ITV that Freud started abusing her in the 1970s, when she was 11, and eventually raped her when she was 18, by which time he was a Liberal MP sharing an office with Cyril Smith, who was also unmasked as a paedophile after his death. The rape was so brutal that his victim bled for a week.
The Telegraph than adds this to the dead man’s history:
With his finger on the capital’s showbiz pulse he helped propel a number of young acts to stardom and later boasted of being the first person to book the now disgraced entertainer, Rolf Harris.
The Sun: “NEW INFORMATION ‘Paedophile’ Sir Clement Freud lived close to where Madeleine McCann went missing – as TV doc makes startling claims”
Startling claims made by TV show. Yes.
Such are the facts.
Did you see the “Big Brother Live Sex Show”? No, us neither. Well, that’s not true. We did see it last year, the year before that and the year before that but this year’s shag we missed. Thankfully, lending onanists a helping hand is the Daily Star, which leads with news of “record complains over soft porn scene”.
Most of those complaints most likely seep from the offices of the Star and BB broadcaster Channel 5, where the moaning and groaning sounds like a episode of Channel 4’s Sex Box, BBC TV’s Versailles, Sky’s Game of Thrones or wherever else viewers can get their prime time aids to masturbation on the magic box. “why can’t we do more porn?” they ask. “Big Brother is tamer than The Archers.”
Daily Star readers and Big Brother watchers demand more than soft porn. They want the proper porn. And on Page 11 they vent their spleens at the antics of Marco Pierre White Junior, an ambulatory comic strip who has been generously given the same name as his famous dad to help readers know who the hell he is. MPW’s leftovers have been engaging in “randy games” with Laura Carter (no, us neither). The TV chef’s son suckled on Laura’s breast and shoved his hand down her shorts. He then tied a belt about a his throat and asked her to whip him into a pink mousseline.
They then “dived under the covers for what appeared to be full-on sex romp”. Appeared? The Star’s Peter Dyke needs to get up to speed with his porn. If he turns to page 32, he can see the advert and sign up for Television X, a porn channel run by the Daily Star’s owner.
Saeeda Vorajee plays a prostitute in Game of Thrones. She is also known as Sahara Knite, claims the Sun. The Mail is excited:
An actress who played a prostitute in Game of Thrones is actually a real-life hooker.. Saeeda Vorajee, 41, starred in the first two series of the hit show as a prostitute called Armeca where she took part in a controversial lesbian sex scene and acted alongside Jerome Flynn.
The Sun does her marketing:
The Sun on Sunday’s reporter was invited to Saeeda’s home in Strood, Kent. She led him to a dimly-lit room where she offered a massage and sex act for £65 or full sex for £900.
The Sun adds: “The Muslim, who has been disowned by her family, advertises herself as a “porn star, masseuse, mistress and session wrestler”.
The reporter’s religion is not stated.
What it all adds up to we can’t be certain. Saeeda wasn’t recruited for her acting abilities alone. She looks great and is versed in seduction and sexual excitement. She is also cheaper than hiring an actor, leaving more of the show’s budget to be spunked on CGI monsters and inventing novel new ways to murder people.
Married Vernon Kay and Tess Daly put on a “show of strength”. The telly twosome “put on a united front as they stepped out for the first time since his latest sexting scandal”. So says the Daily Star.
Kay, the world’s blandest TV presenter, is allegedly “back in contact”, although not literally, with Page 3 stunna Rhian Sugden. There are no allegations the pair have ever met, let alone shagged. Vernon and Rhian’s alleged relationship is all about texting. Whereas we used to get tales of five-time-a-night romps with love rats, tabloid readers now get to read text messages.
Anyhow, This is all news because Kay and Daly were on a night out at Jimmy Carr’s London home. The Sun also spotted Vernon and Tess. They were walking “hand in hand” as they left’s Carr’s house party. They were “all smiles”.
But over in the Mail, the same story is headlined, “The awkward party.” Victoria Ibitoye says, “Daly was not the only one who looked like she would rather be elsewhere”. Daly “looked far from pleased clutching the hand of Vernon Kay”.
But over on the Mail Online, readers enjoy pictures of Daly and Kay over the caption “Going strong: Tess Daly and husband Vernon Kay looked very much a united couple as they held hands while leaving their friend Jimmy Carr’s house party in London on Monday night” and “Smiling: The pair looked extremely happy as they stayed close to one another.”
Was the Mail at two different parties?
John Oliver is the news king of talk telly. But unlike Oprah, he’s not giving away free cars – he’s burning cash! The host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight is a hero:
“Any idiot can get into it, and I can prove that to you, because I’m an idiot and I started a debt buying company and it was disturbingly easy,” Oliver said. John Oliver forgave nearly $15 million of medical debt with a tap of a giant red button on Sunday night.
No. Wrong. It was cracking TV. But he did not do as CNN said he did. He purchased his lot on the secondary market at a huge discount.
Last Week Tonight spent about $50 to create a debt-acquisition company in Mississippi. The corporation’s name is Central Asset Recovery Professionals Inc – also known as Carp. According to Oliver, soon after its creation, Carp was offered a portfolio of medical debt worth $14,922,261.76 at a cost of “less than half a cent on a dollar, which is less than $60,000”.
Not $15m, then. And at $60,000 it was a marketing and PR bargain.
Take the lead singers of Public Enemy, Cypress Hill and Rage Against the Machine. Put them together. What do you get?
(Plans for other members of Public Enemy, Cypress Hill and Rage Against the Machine to form their own bands are not yet known.)