Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Simon Cowell has a new format: he wants to adopt a child.
Could being Cowell’s child be a TV talent show?
In 2013, Cowell trailed the idea of an adoption show by asking his twitter followers to suggest names for his news dogs. The dogs were adopted, of course, it being not yet possible to for Cowell to sire his own.
Cowell opted to name his adopted pets Squiddly and Diddly, after characters on an old TV show. So any parents with children of that name, hard cheese. Better news for parents of a child called Ernie, because Simon Cowell has a young son called Eric.
(Has this scoop got anything to do with Cowell having a new series of Britain’s Got Talent to promote? – Ed)
Amanda Holden heralds the start of vaudevillian Britain’s Got Talent season whatever by telling the Sun she wants her nipples are insured for £2m. The Sun works out that each nipple is worth £1m apiece. But we think they’d struggle to branch out on solo careers as holders for wet donkey jackets or Deal or No Deal presenters, being better off together and attached to the adamite Holden superstructure.
“I decided if it was good enough for Kylie Minogue’s bum or Mariah Carey’s legs, it is definely required for my nipples.”
Patsy Kensit is talking about Kate Middleton in Stylist:
Watch out for horses, Kate! And naked women!
Blue Verse, by W.H. Auden:
There was a young poet whose sex
Was aroused by aesthetic effects;
Marvell’s The Garden
Gave him a hard-on
And he came during Oedipus Rex.
Said the Queen to the King: “I don’t frown on
The fact that you choose to go down on
My page on the stairs
But you’ll give the boy airs
If you will do the job with your crown on.”
The Bishop-Elect of Hong Kong
Has a cock which is ten inches long;
He thinks the spectators
Are admiring his gaiters
When he goes to the Gents–he is wrong.
For more retro goodness follow Flashbak…
What gets you fired from Rolling Stone magazine? A story that wrongly branded a frat house violent gang rapists will not get your fired. But a bad review of Hootie and the Blowfish might.
All of the songs overflow with generic jangly guitars that evoke denatured versions of edgier Southern popsters like R.E.M. and the dB’s, whose Peter Holsapple is reduced by the need for health insurance to serving as fifth Hootie on organ, piano, and accordion…
These comfy, cozy sounds–the musical equivalent of Mom’s chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk–are paired with lyrics that reek of Hallmark-card sentimentality…
To these ears, Hootie are the blandest extreme of a wave of bands…
His review was spiked, replaced with more favourable review by contributor Elysa Gardner.
DeRogatis told the New York Observer.
The Observer quoted a spokesman for Rolling Stone saying the review swap was a matter of writing quality and not opinion, and DeRogatis saying Rolling Stone Editor and Publisher Jann Wenner is not necessarily a Hootie fan, but “a fan of bands that sell eight and a half million copies” of a record. The day after the piece ran, DeRogatis was fired. (A follow-up piece in the Observer said Rolling Stone would not discuss DeRogatis’s departure for reasons of employer-employee privacy.)
Rolling Stone employment policy might change if the frat house sues…
The Sun has replaced Page 3 and most of Page 2 with the story on Casey Batchelor, a toppless stunna last seen in public frotting a member of middle-aged boyband Blue on Celebrity Big Brother.
Casey – no longer topless – is here to tell us that she’s not had sex for eight months.
“I don’t miss sex, says Casey.” I’ve dated so many guys I thought were nice, but once the deed was done they lost interest…. I refuse to waste another number on a man that doesn’t deserve me.”
The Sun has secured two people to speak up for “hard-working Brits”. Miners, carehome workers, northerners, Jeremy Clarkson’s dry-cleaner and Kim Kardashian’s depilators were vusy, so they found the next best workaholics: Joey Essex and Amy Childs off TV’s The Only Way Is Essex.
Taking time out from their hectic working lives of eating kangaroo anus, being thick to deadline and tanning, Essex and Childs call for a change in politics.
The Sun think the country needs more influence from Essex man and woman. This is Sun politcs where The Only Party is Essex.
The Sunday Times‘ “Relative Values” feature focues on famous relations. This week, the paper looks at TV presenter Ben Fogle and his father, Bruce. It features one of the most wonderful epsisode of passive-aggresive bragging we’ve seen for a long while.
Sasy Ben Fogle:
Mum and Dad never “bragged” about their life. Dad has written more than 50 books and got an MBE [for his work as co-founder of Hearing Dogs for Deaf People], but he always underplays his achievements. In that sense, I am definitely my father’s son. Even though I might be off to Outer Mongolia for a month, I don’t tell him because I don’t want him to think I’m bragging. I didn’t even tell him I got an invite to William and Kate’s wedding; I think he read about it in the newspapers. But what do you say? “I’m mates with William and Harry and I’ve been invited to the wedding.” I want Dad to be proud of me, but I don’t want to come across as arrogant or conceited. In retrospect, there are a few things I ought to have told him, and that was one of them.
Is he really “definitely his father’s son”..?
Do you love Lucille Ball? If you do, then you can join the Facebook page ‘We Love Lucy! Get Rid of this Statue‘. The Lucille Ball bronze statue lurks in Memorial Park Celoron, N.Y.
It is terrifying. In years to come, Lucille Ball will no longer be the local woman famed for her charisma and showbiz talents; she’ll be the woman who eats you if you don’t eat your greens and rips the soul from anyone cutting through the park after dark.
Oh, and the last person to put their mouth to that spoon woke up the next morning with their lips inside out. True story!
TO TEXAS, where Snoop Dogg is in company of a police officer. Snoop’s not under arrest. He’s at the South by Southwest festival in Austin to entertain.
The officer of the law is one Billy Spears. Snoop Dogg has asked if he can take a picture with him. Spears says he can. And on Instagram you can seee Snoop and Billy stood above the caption, “Me and my deputy dogg.”
Fast forward a couple of weeks and Spears is in therapy. Because the rapper has several convictions for drug possession, Billy’s bosses at the Department of Public Safety and Transportation officials say the officer was deficient in his duties. He requires counselling by a supervisor.
Snoop Dogg is so toxic that even standing close to him requires follow-up therapy.
Now, that is a badge of honour…
PS: If you know what theDepartment of Public Safety and Transportation officials ae iosking, avoid it.
It takes a lot of strapping to turn Peter Dinklage into Games of Thrones’ hero Tyrion Lannister.
Peter, a buxom 32D, is rarely seen as nature intended to let his acting do the talking.
Amy Winehouse was brilliant. When she died age 27 she left behind too little music.
AMY is the documentary to her short life.
This trailer features the line:
“I don’t think I’m going to be at all famous. I don’t think I could handle it. I think I would go mad”.
Only a few things have made me shed a tear – her death was one of them…
On Twitter, those of you sitting comfortably enjoyed @russellcrowe narrating the tale of The Hat.
For the rest of, you can read Crowe’s story here.
The story begins at the bottom. Read up from the moment the rosy-fingered dawn breaks…
We’ve heard many reasons why Zayn Malik left One Direction: he wanted their next song to be about crystal meth; he realised that depsite the money and the fame One Direction isn’t a proper band; he bought a second album and learnt that he wasn’t singing The Best Song Ever; and so on.
Radar online alleges he was kicked out for being tired an emotional. A source claims:
“Zayn’s alcohol and drug use became a huge problem. They gave him every opportunity to clean up his act, but he just couldn’t do it. He’s been going down fast and an intervention was needed. It was decided that it was best for him to go and take care of him for right now.”
The Daily Star reports that Russell Brand is the “fourth most imporant thinker”. Well so says “upmaket magazine” Prospect. Brand’s aim is to be entertaining. And he is. His flowery language to espouse whatever Left-wing claptrap he’s just read garners lots and lots of comment from people who think almost every day.
The Guardian complained that Brand’s “presence [on the list] looks designed to be provocative”. Well, d’uh. It is. It gets headlines. A search for “Russell Brand Prospect magazine” on Google calls up 436,000 results.
So. Here he is in the no-brow Daily Star. And the good news for Brand is that he’s no longer a middle-aged egotist in teen jeans (he’s 39). The Star says he’s 30.
That should make him think happy thoughts…
Today Aretha Franklin turns 73.
Back in 1970, the ‘Queen of Soul’ prefomed her her version of Otis Redding’s 1965 song Respect at the 11th Antibes Juan-Le-Pins Jazz Festival.
In New York on Valentine’s Day, 1967, Franklin and her backing singers – her sisters Carolyn and Erma – recored the song. They feminised Redding’s lyrics.
Hey little girl, you’re so sweeter than honey
And I am about to just give you all my money
I’m about to give you all of my money
And all I’m askin’ in return, honey
Is to give me my profits
When you get home…
Find out what it means to me
Take care, TCB
Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Meet Eleanor Calder. Who she? Well, she is the ex-loved to One Direction singer Louis Tomlinson. Today’s Eleanor’s on the cover of the Daily Star. “Pain is etched on her face” after Louis was pictured kissing a “half-naked mystery girl”.
Problem is that the etching is not all that evident. If we were to guess, we’d say Eleanor looked cheesed off that a camera is being shoved in her face as she walks her dog.
The Star says Eleanor was looking”downcast” as she walked her dog in Manchester. And sure enough it just so happens that the one photo of Eleanor that apepars on page 4 and 5 shows her looking not upwards but downwards.
How does an orthodoxy take hold? When designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana shared their views on love, sex, romance, gay marriage, children, IVF babies and children of same-sex couples the media and celebrity voices united in condeming them, siding with Elton John, who expressed his displeasure with a shrill call to boycott the brand.
The Daily Mirror has carried this news on its front page:
“Elton – I will never wear Dolce & Gabbana again after they dared call my kids synthetic”
Elton, who with his husband David Furnish is father to IVF-conceived sons Elijah and Zach, appeared over two more pages. It was “Elton’s fury” at an “astonishing attack”.
Elton said: “How dare you refer to my beautiful children as synthetic?”
But they were synthesized? This is how the BBC explains IVF to GCSE students:
If a couple are having difficulty conceiving a child because the quantity or quality of the man’s sperm is poor then IVF can be used. This is where the egg is fertilised outside the woman’s body and then implanted back into her uterus. As FSH can also be used to encourage the production of several mature eggs at once, it is used as part of IVF to increase the number of eggs available for fertilisation.
Some people worry about the ethical implications of IVF. They are concerned that couples may want ‘designer babies’ with ‘desirable’ qualities, so may only want certain fertilised eggs. For example, they may want a girl if they have lots of boys in the family, or they may wish to avoid producing a baby with an inherited defect.
Elton goes on:
And shame on you for wagging your judgemental fingers at IVF… a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people both stright and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children. Your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. I shall never wear Dolce & Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana.
At which point anyone not laughing or thinking Chris Morris was writing the news should dash out and buy armfuls of D&G schmutters. Do they do a kids’ range? If they do, buy that, too. Elton John wants people who are judgemental banned. And – irony of irony – many voices on Twitter, that paragon of intolerance and incoherence, agree.
Whoah! Put that down that Floral Jacquard Waistcoat and Bolero Jacket with Trimming (£3,300.00)! Think on. Anyone ready to buy that or a Dolce & Gabbana T-shirt (RRP. £445) should first know that Elton John says you must not. You see, Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce, for it is they, have said that they prefer “traditional” families. Dolce likes a male and female to be parents, rather than man and man, or woman and pigeon.
He also says IVF creates “synthetic children”.
“I’m not convinced by those I call the children of chemicals, synthetic children. Wombs for rent, sperm chosen from a catalogue … psychiatrists are not ready to confront the effects of this experimentation,”
Elton John – gay, married, dad of two two children through IVF and ‘womb renter’ – says Dolce’s views are “archaic” and “deeply insulting”.
Gabbana says: “We firmly believe in democracy and the fundamental principle of freedom of expression that upholds it.”
Elton John adds:
“How dare you refer to my beautiful children as ‘synthetic’… And shame on you for wagging your judgemental little fingers at IVF – a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people, both straight and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children.”
Isn’t John guilty of wagging his finger at them?
Elton John then coined the hashtag #BoycottDolceGabbana.
And everyone laughed at his intolerance? No. Gay rights activist Peter Tatchell said in the Guardian:
“It’s quite outrageous that two gay fashion designers who have relied on the gay community for much of their success are opposing gay equality. They’re lining up with the Pope and the far right in their support for legal discrimination.”
Didn’t they just rely on their talent and business acumen? Or do the minutes from the gay community AGM suggest members only wear D&G’s schmutters because the designers are gay, and therefore are in the meeting and not easily ignored?
“If they don’t want to be parents that’s fine, but it’s deeply insulting to disparage the many same sex parents who have brought up children happily and successfully.”
Is anyone else astounded that sucessful parents would be so thin skinned as to give a toss what D&G think, let alone have the energy to demand they be shunned, ruined and banned from the gay community centre for speaking freely?
Now. About that 450-quid T-shirt – can you wash baby sick out of it?
Blurred Lines: a look at songs that sound very much like other songs. Let’s look at the Sugar Hill Gang’s Rapper’s Delight and the Ketchup Song (Asereje) by Las Ketchup.
First up, the Gang and that catchy beat:
I said a hip hop,
Hippie to the hippie,
The hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop, a rock it
To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie,
To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
And now for Ketchup kids who appear, as MichaelPDeacon has discovered, to be singing the lyrics of Rapper’s Delight in comedy Spanish accents.
aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi,
aserejè ja de jè de jebe tu de jebere seibiunouva,
majavi an de bugui an de buididipi
Send us your Blurred Lines.
Madonna accuses BBC Radio 1 of “discriminatory and unfair” behaviour for failing to play her latest song, Living For Love. The song failed to make the station’s playlist, which dictates its most-played songs. The BBC says this had led to “accusations of ageism from the 56-year-old’s fans”.
Radio 1 says songs are selected on “musical merit and their relevance to our young audience on a case-by-case basis”.
And who is the maven of what the young, go-ahead audience wants?
Radio 1’s 49-year-old head of music, George Ergatoudis, said the station had “moved on” from her music.
As David Hepworth tweets:
I was embarrassed about being 31 when I edited Smash Hits. I see the head of the Radio One playlist committee is 49!
Radio 1 reaches 12 million listeners a week, including 42% of all 15- to 24-year-olds (and their dads).
Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson is on gardening leave. He’s been suspended by the BBC “following a fracas” with a producer. Yes, a fracas. Not a brouhaha. Not a kerfuffle. And most certainly neither an imbroglio nor a tawdry hullabloo.
Last year Clarkson was given a warning when he appeared to say “nigger” while filming. It’s something he denies.
The full BBC statement runs:
“Following a fracas with a BBC producer, Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended pending an investigation. No one else has been suspended.”
The BBC seem to realise that without Clarkson, Top Gear is an expensively priced lame duck. Richard Hammond and James May, Clarkson’s sidekicks, nay his abettors, are free to work but the show will not be broadcast this Sunday.
Taxi for three…
Phil Lucas spots comment on The Beatles Abbey Road crossing:
Although iconic, the Abbey Road zebra crossing has always been just a working crossing. Hasn’t stopped Trip Advisor.
Happy day for Amalie Bruun and Brian Harding. The pop duo known as Ex Cops are invited to play at the Austin, Texas, SXSW. It would be just great. Think of the exposure. Think of the fans. Don’t think of the money because the invite from McDonald’s wants you to appear for free.
The Ex Cops’ replied via their Facebook page:
‘McDonald’s asked us to play SXSW. This is Brian’s open letter about it.
This week our band was asked to play the McDonald’s Showcase at the annual South by Southwest, also known to music insiders as “SXSW.”
Their selling point was that this was “a great opportunity for additional exposure,” and that “McDonald’s will have their global digital team on site to meet with the bands, help with cross promotion, etc”
I don’t, and doubt that they know what this means either.
Getting past that rhetoric, at the very least a big corporation like McDonald’s can at least pay their talent a little. Right?
“There isn’t a budget for an artist fee (unfortunately)”
As of 2013, McDonalds is valued at 90.3 billion dollars.
I won’t get into the internet semantics of things you’ve probably seen on your Facebook feed; like that thing where it takes a McDonald’s worker 4 months to earn what the CEO makes in an hour, or their GMO love affair, and I will certainly spare you the bounty of photos showing how they treat their animals.
In lieu of being paid like a real artist, or anyone who is employed to do a service, McDonald’s assures us that we will “be featured on screens throughout the event, as well as POSSIBLY mentioned on McDonald’s social media accounts like Facebook (57MM likes!)”
We recently headlined a show at the Brooklyn venue Baby’s Alright. They are by no means a DIY venue, but they are still an independent small business. The owners are people our age who used to book shows at Pianos and busted their asses to open a venue of their own in Brooklyn.
While I haven’t asked Billy or Zach how much they make annually (that would be weird) I’m going to guess they’re not looking at brownstones in Prospect Park at the moment. Yet when we played, we were paid very very fairly, were provided with drink tickets, and each band member fed a full entree from their menu (try the Brussels sprouts)
I will also go ahead and save time for any schill / troll rebuttals; “Are the other showcases paying you? No one is holding a gun to your head!” This is true. It is our choice (pretty much) to fly to Austin, play shows without soundcheck, and get paid nothing to a little. But hear this loud and clear, we LOVE making music, it is what we do, and despite some of its very apparent flaws, SXSW still provides a decent venue to be heard by some people who are really there to hear new music and not just do blow with dudes who wear square toe loafers.
It is a horrifying and gross reality when one sees the true nature of corporations and their pathetic attempts to achieve relevance with millennials. Doritos received a lot of flack for their stage a couple years ago, but i’m going to assume they paid Lady Gaga.
Oh, I almost forgot; “McDonald’s will offer free food to all audience members”
I don’t doubt that tons of bands will kowtow to this lame, lame attempt at a rock show. And I’m aware that to achieve any exposure is a Herculean task in 2015, but the Boethian Wheel is a real thing, and this will continue to exist if we, as artists, keep saying yes in exchange for a taste of success. Even if smells like a shitty Fish filet.’
Can you be a burger artiste? Just wondering because McDonald’s have a few opportunities – all unpaid – for anyone who can pump sauce into intersting shapes…
Pouty rapper and current holder of Kim Kardashian’s bum breasts Kanye West has been talking to the Oxford Guild Business Society.
The talk features one question from the audience, which he didn’t answer. Your question might
have been, “Who gives a talk to the Oxford Guild Business society?’
Shakeel Hashim was there to brings us a few highlights of Kanye West’s self-styled “stream of consciousness”:
It begins with Shhhh…:
“OK, everyone please be completely quiet, because I can literally hear a whisper, and it’ll throw off my stream of consciousness, and when I get my stream of consciousness going that’s when I give the best, illest quotes. Literally, a whisper can throw it off.”
Pablo’s Kanye Period:
“My goal, if I was going to do art, fine art, would have been to become Picasso or greater.”
“We have the resources as a civilisation to find a utopia, but we’re led by the most greedy and the least noble.
Acts of the Keanu:
“What I said was The Matrix is like the Bible of the post-information age.”
No Clocking Off:
“By the way, I don’t know the days of the week. I just go to exactly when my appointment is.”
Hail to the Chief:
“I understand that I’m a servant. And with my voice, with my ability to build relationships with amazing people, speak to amazing people. Call Elon Musk out of the blue, or call Obama out of the blue…he calls the home phone, by the way.”
It’s Not Me; It’s You:
“In America people really do wear $3000 shirts. For real. Here and in Stockholm people will be like ‘oh dude, it’s a $3000 shirt’.
“I’m assuming I’m probably wearing a $2000 shirt but I got it for free from the designer so.”
“Time is the only luxury. It’s the only thing you can’t get back. If you lose your luggage – I’m not gonna say the obvious brand of luggage that I’d normally say because I’ve got a meeting with them soon – if you lose your expensive luggage at the airport, you can get that back. You can’t get the time back.
“It feels like people do everything in life to get this BMW, this Benz, to get this townhome, to get 2.5 kids exactly. One of them has to be small, y’know!”
The Dalai West:
“People say it takes a village to raise a child. People ask me how my daughter is doing. She’s only doing good if your daughter’s doing good. We’re all one family.”
Have I Not Heels?:
“One of my biggest Achilles heels has been my ego. And if I, Kanye West, the very person, can remove my ego, I think there’s hope for everyone.”
It’s Child Abuse:
“My momma taught me that if I was in a grocery store and I’m by myself and a stranger grabbed my hand, scream at the top of your fucking lungs. If I’m at an awards show and a stranger grabs my hand and they say so we’re going to use these moving lights, or we’re gonna play the music right now before we define the look, or we’re gonna cut the TV cameras in a traditional way. I’ll scream at the top of my fucking lungs.”
It’s Not a Sweater – It’s A Shirt:
“It’s illegal to not wear clothes, and also possibly too cold. That means someone is imposing an idea on you that should legally have to do! Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater.”