Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
SCREEN siren Brigitte Bardot is 80:
STOP Press: Sir Roger Moore clarifies and corrects an earlier Torquay Herald Express exclusive. The former Mr James Bond did not eat Scotch Egg on the Devon costa:
He shunned the Scotch Egg…
JASMINE Tridevil is the women with a foam pillow trapped between her pneumatic breasts. But to the Sun she continues to be the “3-boob model”. And today we read that she “made me live in cage as sex slave”.
Michael Squier, 18, reveals that “three-breasted” model Alisha Hessler etchyed the word “Jasmine, into his chest with a steak knife”.
He says he tied him up, tortured him, forced to sleep in a dog’s cage, wear a dog collar and live as a slave in the house in Tampa, Florida.
BIG news from the world of showbiz – big enough to take over the Sun ‘s front page: Jason Orange has quit Take That.
THE MOBO Awards have doled out their nominations, inevitably prompting spectacularly thick people to say “WHY DON’T WE GET A MOWO AWARDS EH?” Classical music awards are exactly that, you berk.
Anyway, Sam Smith and Krept & Konan lead this year’s nominations with three nods each and the event will take place at the SSE Arena, Wembley on October 22nd, which is pretty fancy for it’s 19th year in business.
As well as Krept & Konan and Sam Smith, Fuse ODG, Beyonce, Meridian Dan, Tinie Tempah, FKA Twigs, Katy B, Chris Brown, Kendrick Lamar and MNEK get a look-in too.
In even better news, the ceremony will be broadcast on ITV2 this year.
Discussing the news, MOBO founder Kanya King said: “As we enter our 19th year, the MOBO Awards show promises to be bigger and more audacious than ever. This year’s nominees represent an incredible crop of artists. I find it particularly exciting to see so many underground artists featured, who’ve reached new heights over the last year and broken into the wider consciousness.”
“It’s testament to their talent and their determination to succeed and we are very proud to witness their successes to date. This year’s show at Wembley is set to be nothing short of spectacular”.
If you fancy a flutter, we’re going to arrogantly predict who will win. If you land a big bet, we want a round of drinks off you. We’re not kidding.
There’s a very strong bunch of nominees, so let’s have a look.
HATS of to the Sun for its front-page report on Dave Lee Travis. It’s a great headline.
The former BBC Radio 1 DJ has been found guilty of groping a TV researcher’s breasts almost 20 years ago.
EMMA Watson has addressed the UN group on women’s rights and gender equality. The Daily Mail reacted in typcial style, praising Watson’s belt. But what of the Mail’s copycat paper, the Telegraph?
Tom Pride finds it beyond parody:
How on earth are satirists supposed to compete when Daily Telegraph feature writers are coming up with gems like this:
SO. How does the Daily Mail report on Emma Watson’s appearance at a UN sexual equality do? Watson added impetus to the UN’s HeForShe campaign, which aims to involve men in tackling gender inequality and discrimination.
The HeForShe Commitment
Gender equality is not only a women’s issue, it is a human rights issue that requires my participation. I commit to take action against all forms of violence and discrimination faced by women and girls.
So. what did she say?
HAVING realised that two fake Jordans is hackneyed, Alisha Hessler got three boobs and changed her name to Jasmine Trivdevil.
The Sun has shared a few words with the model – although the paper’s “exclusive” lacks any of the details we found out abut the newest sensation, such as her police booking photo for an alleged fraud, a bout of man-shaming (a crime that happened because she – and only she – said it had) and a massage with with a Happy Meal.
FACES of the day:
Two Lemurs (Lee and Monty) of the kind featured in the animated film Madagascar 2 visit the celebrity waxworks, including Amy Winehouse and Nicole Kidman, at Madame Tussauds in central London. Picture date: Thursday December 4, 2008.
Nothing odd about any of that…
THE BBC very much regrest including the face of dead DJ Jimmy Savile during a Top Of The Pops highlights show this September. Sir Jimmy, as he was known at the time of filming (the repugnant man was both a Papal knight and knight of the realm), is not a BBC highlight and must be shown only on the news.
The BBC says:
“Although all programmes are reviewed before broadcast, unfortunately this brief appearance was missed. It was removed from iPlayer as soon as we were made aware and replaced with a re-edited version. We apologise for any distress caused.”
ONCE upon a time, rock and pop lived together in perfect harmony and music fans didn’t feel the need to pick sides. Then, at some point in the ’80s, indie music came and spoiled it all, taking up the same opinion as people like Morrissey, who needlessly hit out at anything that was vaguely popular.
In 2014, too many White Artists With A Guitar (WAWAGs, pronounced Waaaaaaaah Wags) feel the need to hit out against pop music because it makes them feel more authentic when they talk about ‘real music’ and other horsepiss.
JOAN Rivers might be dead but never let it be said she fails tos ee ou a contractual obligation.
“This badass is being replaced by an iPhone 6 (not the fat one). I got this one in 2010 and, after 4 years, my only complaint is that apps are now designed for bigger screens, and the battery is getting tired. Never had a case for it, since it was most beautiful on its own. Great achievement in design. Great product. #apple #iphone #tech.”
Her views on the iPhone 7, 8, 9 and X are not yet scheduled to be known…
WHAT’S former Neighbours’ star Jason Donovan planning for the future. Panto, perhaps?
He’s behind you!
THE increasingly bizarre Kay Burley has been doing her thing on Sky News again, this time referring to a Yes campaigner in the Scottish Independence Referendum as ‘a bit of a nob’.
We should hold our own referendum on the spelling of nob/knob when referring to the male genitalia.
THERE’S been much chatter about Apple’s move to give away U2’s new album Songs of Innocence to 500 million iTunes customers in 119 countries to coincide with its iPhone 6 and Watch launch.
U2’s singer Bono (Mr G21) opined:
“People who haven’t heard our music, or weren’t remotely interested, might play us for the first time because we’re in their library,”
DEATH is a terrible inevitability. You could pop your considerable clogs at any given moment. You might be half way through a banana. You could be mid-poo, like Elvis. You could be *this close* to finishing that computer game that proved so difficult all those years. You might suddenly die just before someone finishes a joke.
Worse than all these things put together, is when great actors die before they’ve had the chance to do one last film that is any good.
There’s a whole host of brilliant actors who have been in absolute crap – Robert De Niro in ‘The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle’, Michael Caine in ‘Jaws: The Revenge’, Kevin Spacey in ‘Fred Claus’, Faye Dunaway in ‘Dunston Checks In’ and Al Pacino in Adam Sandler’s beyond woeful ‘Jack & Jill’.
However, they all got another shot at correcting the blips on their showreels.
KANYE West began his move into TV evangelism by commanding an audience to ‘Stand up’.
On stage at Sydney’s Qantas Credit Union Arena, West tells the fans:
“I decided I can’t do this song. I can’t do the rest of this show until everybody stands up.”
A few don’t. He spots two of them.
He asks: “Is he in a wheelchair?”
ACTRESS Danièle Watts (Django Unchained, Weeds) was stopped by police in Studio City USA for kisisng her boyfreind. Police requested her ID. She refused. Why should she hadn her ‘papers’ over? Police then put her into their vehicle. She was handcuffed.
IN September 1994, a reel-to-reel tape emerged and was put up for auction. Sotheby’s were all over it because this wasn’t any old recording they had on their hands.
What had arrived was a reel to reel tape of The Quarry Men appearing at St Peter’s Parish Church garden party Liverpool in July, 1957.
The Quarry Men would of course, turn into The Beatles, who are still the biggest band in the whole wide world. The tape went for what is a reasonably low price of £69,000. That wouldn’t buy one leg of a Champion’s League footballer in 2014.
So with that, we got to thinking about famous rock stars, pop singers and rappers before they were famous. Of course, there’s a lot of them who were on television and there’s yearbook photos of just about every celebrity online, but we wanted to look at the music they were making and the evidence of it.
Pull up a chair, remove the wax from your ear and let’s get stuck into rock’s flipside.
YOU’LL have seen the sweary letter signed ‘Stanley Kubrick’ written to the head of AGM about the sequel to 2001: A Space Odyssey.
COMPLETELY insane he may be, but the Colonel Kurtz of Soul, R Kelly has made an announcement that will reverberate around the halls of the sneering mockers the world over. Despite his alleged fondness for urinating on young women and creating baffling songs like Real Talk and Shut Up, nothing has come close to R Kelly’s ego-lunacy project, Trapped In The Closet.
And, startlingly, he’s made more episodes of the bizarre pop-opera so he can finally share some of its‘mysteries’ with us. We suspect one mystery he’ll be leaving well alone is ‘why did he think it was a good idea to make an soul-operetta about a midget, a gay pastor and mystery package.’