Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
WANT to hear Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball in G-major. To augment the horror, the musical subversive inverted the colours on Miley’s hammer-licking vid.
CAN we agree whose side we are on in this story from Beacon Hill, Highclere, in Hampshire?
Around midnight last Saturday, police rocked up to a rave.
Some of the revellers threw things at Hampshire and Thames Valley Police’s finest. A Hampshire Constabulary spokesman tells us: ”Officers were subjected to violence, including missiles thrown at them, which resulted in six officers sustaining non-serious injuries. It is believed between about 80 and 100 people attended the illegal event. We will continue to take every measure possible to prevent any such illegal music events from happening… in the future.”
Music events should all be legal and policed and licensed. Say no to spontaneity. Like Glastonbury, music should be policed and made reassuringly expensive to keep the riff-raff out.
STOCKWELL Road isn’t the most exciting and handsome of roads. It may have been once, but the Luftwaffe and the usual unimaginative sixties south London redevelopment put paid to that. It’s got a skateboard park, if that’s your thing, and David Bowie was born in a road just off it, but even he moved to Bromley when he was six. And that’s about it, to most people in the area it’s just a road that joins up Stockwell and Brixton.
TONIGHT, I’ll be Lidl Wain in a swag carrier bag:
OPRAH Winfrey tells the BBC that President Barack Obama attracts “disrespect” because he’s black.
“There’s a level of disrespect for the office that occurs. And that occurs in some cases and maybe even many cases because he’s African American. There’s no question about that and it’s the kind of thing nobody ever says but everybody’s thinking it.”
IN 1966 Pete Townshend wrote about the Dipso Asbo Fatso British public. He called it Fat Lazy People.
The song was recorded by the Barron Knights, a group famous for spoof songs, such as this Santa-Floyd mash-up
Photo: Easter kiss for Duke D’Mond from his wife Pauline Palmer, at Heathrow Airport saying goodbye to him and his fellow Barron Knights, left to right; Barron Anthony, Dave Ballinger, P’Nut Langford and Buth Baker at the start of a six week tour. Date: 27/03/1970
And there was this, a Taste Of Aggro (with apologies to The Smurfs.)
Before that, The Knights were a proper band whose claim to fame was being the only outfit to tour with both the Beatles and the Rolling Stones.
They could, after all, do passable impressions of all the greats:
Here’s the song:
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
And because they are all the same..
They laugh and exclaim
“The young are so funny”
They burn in the sun, the sun
And though painfully pink, when it rains
They always complain
“We all paid our money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people
Are a terrible sight to see.
And the lazy fat people will
Get the better of you and me…….
Lazy and fat they are, they are.
Their children diet till thin
To leave more for them
“To save us some money.”
Oh! The lazy fat people will
Try to sit on you and me
If we dont watch out theyll
Get the better of you and me.
How to tell the young from the
Lazy fat is easy to do…..
Take it away, Pete:
APPARENTLY, pop music is just too sexy – so say some tutting parents from the website Netmums (think; Tesco Value Mumsnet). They polled their members and found that 80% of respondents have seen their children singing or repeating sexual lyrics without realising their meaning.
That’s good isn’t it? Children not knowing the sexual connotations of things! That’s bad of the parents though, isn’t it? Letting them listen to whatever they want.
ACCORDING to the brother of comedy legend, Andy Kaufman, the star faked his own death in 1984 and is still alive. Appearing at an award show named in Andy’s honour, Michael Kaufman said he had received a letter from his brother, confirming he was alive, in 1999.
He then introduced a woman who claimed to be Andy’s 24-year-old daughter.
Of course, bizarre things like this, farcical situations, uncomfortable silences, half truths and all that fun stuff, followed Andy Kaufman wherever he went. This is likely to be another case.
BY now you’ll be wondering what Miley Cyrus has been up to. Well, she’s got a new tattoo. This one features a face of her grandmother and the legend: “Because I am her favourite & she is mine.”
Grandma is Loretta Finley, mother to Miley’s mother Leticia “Tish” Cyrus.
Letitia and Miley’s father Billy Ray Cyrus have two other children, Braison Chance (born 1994)
and Noah Lindsey (born 2000).
Leticia has two other children from a previous relationship: Brandi (born 1987)
and Trace (born 1989).
And Loretta had her favourite. Look, the rest of you. It says so on Miley’s arm. In yer face, losers.
Christmas dinner should be fun. Right, mum?
BRITNEY Spears is back. And to herald her return to Anorak’s pages, a new perfume. Her sheets have been scraped, her towels wrung out over a buckets and her underwear and hair ground to a fine powder. And you can now smell of Circus Fantasy.
According to the blurb:
The spectacle opens with juicy accords of sugar-coated raspberry and apricot blossom, reminiscent of tempting candy.
It’s stickier than Noddy’s bell on the roundabout.
The magic continues as blue peony, waterlily and addictive red sweetheart orchid take the limelight with delicious sensations and exhilarating temptations. The grand finale is a captivating sense of seductive sensuality, blending sweet vanilla wood, creamy musks and violet candy.
To recap: smells of lion’s breath and clown farts.
Comes in handy atomiser – see above.
FLASHBACK to 03/11/1973: Faces of celebrities in various walks of life illustrate the cover of a new long-playing record, Band on the Run, from the Paul McCartney group, Wings. From left,…
Well, can you name them all? Scroll down for the famous names, or VIPs , as they were called back then:
GREAT Ads: Jean-Claude Van Damme for Volvo:
COMPARE and contrast:
Lorraine Kelly comment: Lying cheating Katie of The Apprentice won’t get another job – P11 of the Sun, Saturday, June 9, 2007
A white poppy is utter poppycock - Feisty … Katie Hopkins is our new columnist – The Sun, November 1, 2013
“Lying, cheating Katie ” did work again!
“Taxman” – “It sounds like a cross between the Who and Batman. It’s a bit limited, but the Beatles get over this by the sexy double-tracking. It’s surprising how sexy double-tracking makes a voice sound.”
“Eleanor Rigby” – “I bought a Haydn LP the other day and this sounds just like it. It’s all sort of quartet stuff and it sounds like they’re out to please music teachers in primary schools. I can imagine John saying: ‘I’m going to write this for my old schoolmistress’. Still it’s very commercial.”
“I’m Only Sleeping” – “It’s a most beautiful song, much prettier than ‘Eleanor Rigby’. A jolly old thing, really, and definitely the best track on the album.
“Love You Too” – “George wrote this – he must have quite a big influence on the group now. This sort of song I was doing two years ago – now I’m doing what the Beatles were doing two years ago. It’s not a bad song – it’s well performed which is always true of a Beatles track.”
“Here There and Everywhere” – “This proves that the Beatles have got good memories, because there are a lot of busy chords in it. It’s nice – like one instrument with the voice and the guitar merging. Third best track on the album.”
“Yellow Submarine” – “”This is a load of rubbish, really. I take the mickey out of myself on the piano and play stuff like this. I think they know it’s not that good.”
“She Said She Said” – “This song is in to restore confidence in old Beatles sound. That’s all.”
“Good Day Sunshine” – “This’ll be a giant. It doesn’t force itself on you, but it stands out like ‘I’m Only Sleeping’. This is back to the real old Beatles. I just don’t like the electronic stuff. The Beatles were supposed to be like the boy next door only better.”
“And Your Bird Can Sing” – “Don’t like this. The song’s too predictable. It’s not a Beatles song at all.”
“Dr. Robert” - “It’s good – there’s a 12-bar beat and bits in it that are clever. Not my sort of thing, though.”
“I Want To Tell You” – “This helps the LP through though it’s not up to the Beatles standard.”
“Got To Get You Into My Life” – “Jazz backing – and it just goes to prove that Britain’s jazz musicians can’t swing. Paul’s sings better jazz than the musicians are playing which makes nonsense of people saying jazz and pop are very different. Paul sounds like Little Richard. Really, it’s the most vintage Beatles track on the LP.”
“Tomorrow Never Knows” – “Listen to all those crazy sounds! It’ll be popular in discotheques. I can imagine they had George Martin tied to a totem pole when they did this.”
“This is the first Beatles LP I’ve really listened to in it’s entirety but I must say there are better songs on ‘Rubber Soul’. Still, ‘I’m Only Sleeping’ is a standout. ‘Good Day Sunshine is second best and I also like ‘Here, There and Everywhere.’ But I don’t want to be harsh about the others. The balance and recording technique are as good as ever.”
ABBEY Clancy, Strictly Come Dancing pro-celeb hoofer and wife to footballer Peter Crouch (What would you be if you weren’t a footballer, Peter? PC: “A virgin”) wore Julien Macdonald’s patchwork of seaside beach flags to The Brave Gala at Dorchester Hotel, Park Lane, London. Signs are that Dear Abbey thought it was contest for who could be bravest.
Our pick of the photos, though, is not Abbey holding the seat of her patriotic table runner in the manner of Justin Bieber with a full pull-up, but she and Julien gazing into each other’s teeth.
MEET Brazilian Tati Nevas, 27. She’s the star of that video of shirtless constipate abs brat Justin Bieber sleeping in bed. She says:
“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed.”
“A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”
EVER on the look out for great pop tributes, her’s the Johnny Cash Converters in Epsom.
ROD Stewart and the rest of The Faces played London’s Marquee Club in December of 1970. Ron Wood, Kenny Jones, Ronnie Lane, Ian McLagen never looked better than in this video recorded for German TV “WDR”.
If the camera was any closer, one sniff and you’d be inside one of rock’s greatest noses:
PAUL Dutton, 48, was ejected from his local branch of Asda in Cambridge, after a fellow shopper complained about his attire – a classic formal black suit of the type produced by Hugo Boss in the 1940s.
Unfortunately this suit happened to closely resemble the uniform of Hitler’s notorious SS, and even more unfortunately the resemblance was entirely uncoincidental. Mr Dutton’s “hobby” is Adolf Hitler, you see, and his fascination is such that his living room boasts a painting of himself being decorated by the Fuhrer – a man who once earned an honest living decorating people’s homes as a housepainter.
AT this year’s British Academy of Film and Television Arts’ (BAFTA) Britannia Awards in Los Angeles, Sacha Baron Cohen was awarded some kind of gong for being brave and, presumably, funny.
However, he ended up killing an old woman who was in a wheelchair. You can see the video below.
WITH the Red Hot Chili Peppers in Brazil for a concert, drummer Chad Smith went to the Hard Rock Cafe in Belo Horizonte and earned the wrath of Flamengo fans.Why? Well, during the drum clinic a fan in the crowd handed Smith a Flamengo shirt. Smith duly stuffed it down his bum crack and then tossed it away.
TO herald the release of her album ARTPOP. Lady Gaga stood at New York’s Brooklyn Navy Yard and showcased the Volantis transport prototype “flying dress.” She said: ”Although she is a vehicle, she, is essentially a metaphor for me.”
She is her own biggest fan.
MILEY Cyrus is entertaining, in much the same way that someone else’s child having a meltdown in the restaurant is interesting. At the MTV Europe Music Awards in Amsterdam, Miley was spanked by a dwarf, wore two dead rappers on her buttocks (pictures but, you know, if it gets attention ,dig ‘em up), twerked, accepted a Best Video award for Wrecking Ball and broadcast a naked shower selfie.