Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
FOR people who don’t like hippies, festival-goers, indie music, ridiculous gig flags, wankers in bucket hats, posh girls in bindhis, heritage rock bands and wacky BBC presenters, the blanket coverage of the Glastonbury Festival is worse than a million Royal Weddings.
The bad news for Glastohaters is that the event has just had its license renewed for another decade.
And Glastonbury gaffer Emily Eavis – she took it over from her dad, Michael – has promised that ‘the best is yet to come’.
OK, so there’s being good looking and stupid, not an unknown combination, and then there’s being freakish looking and being a blind bloody idiot. Which is what seems to have happened to this real life Barbie Doll of ours:
‘Human Barbie’ Valeria Lukyanova has claimed that interracial couples are making the human race uglier and sparking a rise in plastic surgery.
The cosmetically-enhanced model, 28, who is from the Ukraine, told GQ magazine: ‘Ethnicities are mixing now, so there’s degeneration, and it didn’t used to be like that.
‘Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. A Russian marries an Armenian, they have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad’s nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it’s all good.’
WU TANG CLAN have never been more popular, mainly because people who don’t really like hip hop really like wearing their t-shirts, throwing up ironic ‘Wu’ handsigns in photographs and smoking weed now and then. For real fans of The Wu, they know how arduous it is trying to follow everything they do.
What that actually means is that, when you factor in all the solo albums, collabs and guest spots, there’s an amazing amount of dreck released under the Wu banner. There’s gold in them thar Wu Hills, but by god, you have to dig deep to find it these days.
WHAT’S the worst movie title of all time? Freddy Got Fingered (2001) and Stop! Or my Mom will Shoot (1992) are often cited as contenders. One that nearly earned a victory for worst is Denzel Washington’s The Great Debaters (2007) – an immensely serious film which very nearly is The Master Debaters. Close but no cigar. The unpronounceable film The Rural Juror could have walked away with an easy victory. Alas, it’s a fictitious film from the TV show 30 Rock. Disqualified.
Perhaps, it’s best to look back a few decades. It may not be possible to scientifically lay out the all-time worst, but we can certainly make like Freddy and Finger a few candidates.
10. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things (1973)
Sometimes a title is just trying to be get our attention by its ridiculousness [i.e. I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990). For low budget films without a lot of financial resources for promotion, the best way to lure audiences is via a sensational title. So, I understand the rationale, and am sure it served its purpose; however, the title is still horrible. Functional, but horrible.
WHEN police announced that Peaches Geldof had died the newspapers rushed to shout “first”. Her death at 25 is a shocks. To her husband and two young children it is a tragedy. To the media it’s a result.
The celebrity death is heralded by people on social media shouting “FIRSTS!” and the “ker-ching” of big media’s cash register. Who can be first to dash out a few hundred words of speculation veering between the mawkish an the insulting about the dead person they never knew?
WANT to wok for Beyonce Knowles, the minter pop goddess? Well, here’s is your big chance to live the dream – to get paid in selfies:
PEACHES Geldof has died. The vivacious, fun, entertaining and smart daughter of the late Paul Yates and Bob Geldof has died aged 25. She leaves behind a husband and two young sons.
So. How does the Metro newspaper report on the death of a young woman and her bereft family?
What mind thought that was a good front page?
NOSTALGIA is a wonderful thing, provided you keep it where it is. 30somethings who have gone back to watch old cartoons they loved as kids are often found sobbing, depressed lumps sat in waterless baths, feeling cheated and hurt, like they’d summoned up a repressed abuse at the hands of school bullies.
Of course, some things stand the test of time, if you don’t pick at it. The Mysterious Cities of Gold is still oddly deep and perfect, but a redux of it would be like taking a great shit on the one meal that reminds you of the glory of your childhood.
And now, the director of The Goonies, Richard Donner, has said a sequel to The Goonies is in the works.
PEACHES Geldof has died aged 25. Peaches Geldof, the daughter of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates, has died at the age of 25.
That is tragic.
She was vivacious, funny and a good journalist.
Speaking to Elle Magazine in 2013, Peaches said:
“I remember the day my mother died, and it’s still hard to talk about it. I just blocked it out. I went to school the next day because my father’s mentality was ‘keep calm and carry on. So we all went to school and tried to act as if nothing had happened. But it had happened. I didn’t grieve. I didn’t cry at her funeral. I couldn’t express anything because I was just numb to it all. I didn’t start grieving for my mother properly until I was maybe 16.”
She was married to musician Thomas Cohen, with whom she had two sons, Astala, one, and Phaedra, who will turn one on 24 April.
FLASHBACK to 1978: Spiderman’s Celebrity Party
January 1978 cover of Marvel’s Pizzazz magazine. The magazine only lasted 16 issues.
Can you name them all?
KURT Cobain left a long hand-written suicide note. It included the words of Neil Young from the song “My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue): “Better to burn out / than to fade away,” Neil Young is 68 years old. Cobain was just 27 when he ended his life 20 years ago this weekend.
Neil Young referenced Cobain’s death in his autobiography, Waging Heavy Peace.
On 8 April 1994, the heroin-addicted, shy Nirvana front man was found dead in his Seattle home – three day after he’d died.
He left behind a wife Courtney Love and his one-year-old daughter, Frances Bean.
Many worshipped Cobain, leader of the death cult. Even in death, his celebrity was all.
But not for everyone. In my house, my mother said one thing: “He took the coward’s way out.” I can’t but feel that’s more like the kind of thing he needed in his life. Forget the adulation and the fans who want a piece of you. Get someone you love to tell you to refocus, mature and see the bigger picture.
JON Ham aged well. In the mid 1990s, Ham appeared on the TV dating show The Big Date, hosted by Mark Walberg.The man who would knock them bandy as Mad Men’s Don Draper strikes out.
James Franco On Cloud 17: Conspiracy Theories And 1970s-Style Honest-To-Goodness Perviness For Teenage Girl
AS you’re probably aware, arch-hipster James Franco has been rumbled online, trying to tap off with a 17 year old Scottish girl. A variety of messages were batted back and forth, with Franco being a little persistent in trying to get his end away.
Now, there’s something of a conspiracy theory, which sees some people saying that this is a sly publicity stunt for his new film – Palo Alto – where plays a football coach who seduces his 14-year-old baby sitter.
Either way, something very interesting and troubling happened in the immediate fallout – the press, initially, were rather amused by it. The tone was “Whoopsie! Caught with your pants down! Arf!”
IMAGINE this: everyone in the world announces that they’re bisexual. Seems trite, but if everyone was bi, then it would stop the need for people to ‘come out’ and indeed, newspapers wouldn’t need to write stories about people ‘switching sides’ or indeed, as we’re seeing with Tom Daley, clarifying exactly which set of genitals he’s most interested in.
The 19-year-old told the world that he was bi on YouTube in December, saying: “Of course I still fancy girls, but right now, I’m dating a guy and I couldn’t be happier.”
HOT, steamy celebrity gossip is the lifeblood of the tabloid press, and never more so than in the Daily Mail’s report of the fallout following the revelation of an alleged affair between ex-cricketer Darren ‘Sumbarine’ Gough and ex-TOWIE ‘star’ Amy Childs.
Both parties deny that any funny business occurred, and insist that they are just friends.
TO HELL with the electric guitar. That may attract a flock of dirty groupies, but the real chick magnet is the accordion. Sure, it has a reputation as being even less sexy than a French horn, but don’t believe the hype. A look at this stack of old accordion LPs, and you’ll quickly see that the instrument of desire isn’t the guitar, drums or microphone, it’s the mad love machine called The Accordion.
(Lots more vintage gold on Flashbak.com)
WHEN Kurt Cobain died, a whole generation lost one of their favourite icons. While he wasn’t necessarily a spokesperson for everyone through his songs, there was something very pleasing about his stance against business, phoney or otherwise. He was just about the only superstar who actively championed bands who needed the publicity as well.
Can you imagine any band now hailing the virtues of Teenage Fanclub and The Vaselines on international TV?
However, Cobain died and we didn’t see his like again. So what became of his legacy? Well, it didn’t take too long for unreleased music to get hastily stuck on some compilations and Nirvana t-shirts to get reissued by the buttload. And then Cobain appeared in a video game, which was fun but weird.
THE new film about Noah, starring Russell Crowe, has been causing a lot of grief among certain religious types. Of course, most religious people have a faith strong enough to brush off some poxy film, but we’re looking at those shrieking mentals who can’t stay calm or, it seems, apply logic to a situation.
The film tells the famous story about Noah and his ark. God gets wrathful and sends a flood which is destined to wipe everything out. Destroying everything in a flood seems a bit snide, but as we all know, God is a vengeful so-and-so. And presumably, floating and water-breathing creatures weren’t at all bothered by this, to which we glean that God has no problem with ducks or fish. They’re the most saintly animals, obviously.
However, there’s a few Christians that are not at all happy with a Biblical tale being shown on the big screen. Instead of being happy that the word of God is being distributed worldwide, coupled with a very famous actor, they are furious.
MUSICIANS like Billy Joel and Elton John didn’t start out as solo acts. Like nearly all solo pop stars, they began as just another member of a band. I thought it would be interesting to take a look at musicians who we primarily identify as being solo acts and see what bands they were in before venturing out on their own and making it big.
TO the delight of virtually everyone, the late, great Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988 – 1999) seems to be experiencing something of a pop culture resurgence these days.
April 1st of this year saw former Mystery Science Theater 3000 stars Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy return to top form in National Geographic’s Total Riff-Off, and the cable network Retro TV recently announced that it will begin airing MST-3K reruns starting July 5, 2014.