HAVE you seen Jamie Oliver’s Fifteen Minute Meals? It’s a show so irritating that it makes you want to punch the very notion of television into next week. And Jamie, here’s an idea: 1.5 Second Meals where someone just throws a Jaffa Cake in their mouth and gets on with their lives without bogling at lettuce.
Anyway, when Jamie isn’t larging it up over some prawns on a massive wooden board, he’s pretending to be Food Bono, saving our wickle children from a fate worse than delicious hamburgers.
CELEBRITIES don’t have a good record with names. Prince changed his to a squiggle and Frank Zappa and Bob Geldof sent their offspring into certain bullying by given them daft monikers. Mixing both of these angles is Jermaine Jackson, who has not only given his children awful names (Jermajesty anyone?), but he’s changing his name for ‘artistic reasons’.
‘Artistic reasons’ is code for either ‘stupid’ if you were wondering.
SOMETIMES, television is so bewildering that you can’t possibly believe that it is comprised of real human beings. Take for example, this morning, when Phillip Schofield went feral and handed our Prime Minister, David Cameron, a piece of paper with a list of Tory MPs who the presenter believes are paedophiles.
Let us look at that again. Gordon The Gopher’s best friend went online, found a load of names who have been accused of raping children, presumably with little to no actual evidence, and wrote them down on a bit of paper and handed them to the man who has an entire country to run, and expected an answer.
MICK Jagger liked to buy antiques to furnish his home in Ambroise, France. His mum thought he could do better:
THE Sun is continuing with its story about Jimmy Savile – the man is has dubbed “The BBC’s paedo” – and the Yorkshire Ripper. The front pages reveals an obsession:
Friday November 4: “Was BBC’s paedo also a killer?”
Tuesday November 7: “RIPPER: SAVILE IS INNOCENT”
Peter Sutcliffe says Savile did not help him murder women. And if you can’t trust him, who can you trust?
Wednesday November 7: “Police quizzed Savile on ripper murders”
PSY, aka Park Jae Sang, the hottest pop star on planet Earth, it to address the Oxford Union. The South Korean singer of Gangnam Style will speak in English. At soem point everyone will do the dance. Boris Johnson danced Gangnam style with David Cameron at the Tory conference. China’s famous artist Ai Weiwei, the lads from Eton College and the Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki Moon, have done it. PSY has been dancing Gangnam Syle for 12 years. He’s been riding an imaginary horse for 12 years. Bernie Clifton, who spent longer riding an ostrich, might weep:
LADY Gaga was for Obama:
“I’m a Catholic and I make a lot of money and I want to give a lot of it back and I don’t want any tax breaks. I want people in my country that don’t have a lot; I want them to have more. I want them to have what I have. I feel guilty every day that I can’t give it to everyone.”
HARRY Styles, of One Direction, pricks up his collar and tells OK! readers: “I jumped into bed with my mate’s mum.”
These are the “shocking confessions of a teenage hearth-throb”.
About that mum..?
FRANKIE Cocozza, was the The X Factor agonist encouraged to behave like a dick and then sacked for behaving like a dick. Haemorrhaged from the pisspoor show, the pisspoor singer then recorded a song. It’s called She’s Got A Motorcycle. It is utterly without merit. But if he creates it , they will come. And if enough of them come, Cocozza can put two fingers up to Simon Cowell and say that he might have written the script on how to polish turds, but Frankie has been doing handstands over the toilet bowl.
HOW did the election go, Donald Trump? Right after President Barack Obama won four more years (the US Teleprompter Community celebrated wildly, it says here) tsunami-haired gold wrangler Donald Trump took to Twitter.
He called for revolution!
He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!
JIMMY Savile hid in plain site. The oggle-oggle-oggling, kiddie-seducing jangler even admitted it. Get a load of that “peedo” T-shirt:
IN this collection of great photos, we see famous faces form the 1970s at home. Look out for Frank Zappa, Elton John, Iggy Pop, Keith Richards, Grace Slick, Freddie Mercury and David Bowie:
POLITICIANS, as we all know, as thundering bozos. They don’t know their arses from their elbows and they prove it time and time again by their wilfully idiotic actions. And Nadine Dorries, a particularly loathsome oaf, has proved how dim MPs are once again, by agreeing to go on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!
RUMOURS have reached us that councillors in a certain seaside town in the north of England were planning a very special tribute to the now totally disgraced BBC man Jimmy Savile.
After his death in 2011 the the council in the town, which has a now rather unfortunate close association with the TV celeb, drew up plans for a special statue of Jim to be unveiled in his honour in 2012. This has been widely reported.
It’s day 2 of the Sun’s Jimmy Savile women killer exclusive, a story based on the idea that while Sutcliffe raped and murdered women in Leeds, Savile would perv at the action from his city flat windows and then, very possibly, nip out to have sex with the copses.
ONE Direction are posing on the coger of magazine called Wonderland. They are holding puppies. Their young fans should love it.
One Direction are: Harry Styles, 18, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, all 19, and 20-year-old Louis Tomlinson.
CHAD Kroeger, currently engaged to Avril Lavigne, has been speaking to Men’s Health about being on tour with his band Nickelback:
CK: We’ve always been very close to our crew, so we’ve had a lot of fun getting them to do silly, stupid things that could possibly cause them to hurt or injure themselves in some way. We were in Germany years ago—this was one of my favorite stories—and we were just bored. There was a heat wave going on in Germany. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade. I don’t remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade. And we paid the drum tech…. Oh god, I forget the exact amount. I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn’t converted to the Euro yet.
MH: 600 deutschmarks to do what?
CK: Stick his johnson in the fan.
MH: Please tell me he said no.
CK: He took the money.
MH: Oh sweet Moses.
CK: I can still hear the “bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh” of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic. Somebody has video footage of this somewhere that needs to be resurrected and shown at the guy’s next birthday party.
KURT Vonnegut is, of course, the subject of the work Kurt Vonnegut: Letters. In one, he writes of war and killing:
November 28, 1967
To Draft Board #1,
My son Mark Vonnegut is registered with you. He is now in the process of requesting classification as a conscientious objector. I thoroughly approve of what he is doing. It is in keeping with the way I have raised him. All his life he has learned hatred for killing from me.
I was a volunteer in the Second World War. I was an infantry scout, saw plenty of action, was finally captured and served about six months as a prisoner of war in Germany. I have a Purple Heart. I was honorably discharged. I am entitled, it seems to me, to pass on to my son my opinion of killing. I don’t even hunt or fish any more. I have some guns which I inherited, but they are covered with rust.
This attitude toward killing is a matter between my God and me. I do not participate much in organized religion. I have read the Bible a lot. I preach, after a fashion. I write books which express my disgust for people who find it easy and reasonable to kill.
We say grace at meals, taking turns. Every member of my family has been called upon often to thank God for blessings which have been ours. What Mark is doing now is in the service of God, Whose Son was exceedingly un-warlike.
There isn’t a grain of cowardice in this. Mark is a strong, courageous young man. What he is doing requires more guts than I ever had—and more decency.
My family has been in this country for five generations now. My ancestors came here to escape the militaristic madness and tyranny of Europe, and to gain the freedom to answer the dictates of their own consciences. They and their descendents have been good citizens and proud to be Americans. Mark is proud to be an American, and, in his father’s opinion, he is being an absolutely first-rate citizen now.
He will not hate.
He will not kill.
There’s no hope in that. There’s no hope in war.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.