Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
RENEE Zellweger has a face. This sensation has been heralded in the news media.
In the Times, it;’s tlaking pioint. Carole Midgley says:
Shame on Renée Zellweger. Seriously: what is her problem? She has been a female on this Earth for 45 years now and that’s plenty long enough to have learnt the rules… You must at all times pull off the impossible. Got that? You must be a 24/7 magician. For whether you’re on the red carpet or putting out your bins, you must look eternally young and perfect.
But here’s the crucial thing: you must never betray any sign that you may have tried to make yourself look young and perfect. No, no, no. This won’t do at all. Trying is ugly; risible. Your age-defying beauty, perfect figure, line-free face and lustrous hair must appear effortless.
She refers to the “spite-filled headlines and comments”, the “massive bitch”, that Zellweger has been “pilloried and mocked”.
THE news today is that supermodel Cara Delevingne has hired Pharrell Williams to give her what she needs as she makes her musical bow.
A source told The super soaraway Sun: “They’re going to release the song without warning, complete with video and global launch. They seem to have formed a great little writing collective and apparently it’s a huge song.”
FLORIDA mums (at least one of them) says it’s wrong that Breaking Bad toys and meth (accrding to the Sun) are being sold in branches of Toys R Us.
Bryan Cranston responds:
SCOTT Ian of Anthrax on meeting Lemmy for the first time. Language is spicy.
LYNDA Bellingham, born Meredith Lee Hughes; 31 May 1948 – 19 October 2014:
Harry Worth and Lynda Bellingham rehearse at the Phoenix Theatre in London in the new West End comedy, “Norman, is that you?”. Date: 08/04/1975
READY for Christmas? Ready for your seasonal sweater?
Mondo have greated designs based on the 1984 film Gremlins and the 1996’s Fargo.
FURTHER evidence of pop star’s wit and wisdom comes via the mouth of Ariana Grande, who tells us:
“I love drinking water — and I want to inspire my fans to do the same”.
HEADY days for Slade fans, for whom the band only ever seems to ride high on the popular culture news Chopper when it’s Christmas. Beyonce Knowles has successfully bid for Dave Hill’s hair, and, moreover, taken to wearing it over her own luxurious chestnut locks.
THIS week saw the birth of Pollyanna Woodward’s first child by golfer Paul Casey. You’ll know Pollyanna from her work on TV’s The Gadget Show and pro-celebrity falling on ITV’s Splash!. She tells us:
“There must be something in the water [on Splash!], because [fellow diver] Caprice discovered she was pregnant after the last series!”
In 1895, Oscar Wilde was sent down for two years for the crime of homosexuality.Male homosexuality was decriminalised in Northern Ireland with the passing of law reform in the House of Commons in…1982!
PEOPLE often wheel out the line about footballers being overpaid. Some of them are indeed, paid gigantic sums of money. Many will tell you that it is too much ‘to kick a ball around for 90 minutes’, but of course, those people are gasping simpletons.
Of course, there’s a lot more to being a footballer than turning up on a Saturday afternoon and running around for one-and-a-half hours. Either way, there’s no getting away from the fact that football has made some young men millionaires.
JOHN Grisham has rather surprised the usual people by telling the truth about child pornography. Yes, there is truly vile stuff out there and those who produce it and seek it should indeed be locked up. But that’s not quite the same as saying that everyone who looks at a pair of underage tits should be in jail:
The author of legal thrillers such as The Firm and A Time to Kill who has sold more than 275m books during his 25-year career, cited the case of a “good buddy from law school” who was caught up in a Canadian child porn sting operation a decade ago as an example of excessive sentencing.
“His drinking was out of control, and he went to a website. It was labelled ‘sixteen year old wannabee hookers or something like that’. And it said ’16-year-old girls’. So he went there. Downloaded some stuff – it was 16 year old girls who looked 30.
“He shouldn’t ’a done it. It was stupid, but it wasn’t 10-year-old boys. He didn’t touch anything. And God, a week later there was a knock on the door: ‘FBI!’ and it was sting set up by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to catch people – sex offenders – and he went to prison for three years.”
BRAD Pitt and his child army, nannies, security guards and ever since Angelina Jolie met the Queen, footmen, unicorns, Apache helicopters and magic, are safe.
If that and the haze of love and goodness at Chez Brad don’t render the intruder powerless, Brad keeps a gun in the house. He says he needs the gun to feel one hundred percent safe. He tells the Radio Times that he got his first gun at 6:
“There’s a rite of passage where I grew up of inheriting your ancestors’ weapons. My brother got my dad’s. I got my grandfather’s shotgun when I was kindergarten. The positive is that my father instilled in me a profound and deep respect for the weapon.”
A WOMAN was raped by footballer Ched Evans. His lover went on the telly to say how she believes his innocence and stands by her man. Judy Finnigan went on the telly to say Evans should be given a another chance and that it wasn’t a violent rape, so not as bad as it might have been.
A few Twitter account holders said Judy might care to be raped to see what it’s like. Judy’s daughter, Chloe Madeley, chimed in that her mum was right. She now gets a column in the Daily Mail to tell one and all about her ordeal:
Violated in my own home by a coward on Twitter: CHLOE MADELEY on how she faced vile threats on site following her mother’s comments
And meanwhile, a woman who was a victim of rape wonders if all the opinion trolls, vain media wannabes and has-beens making careers from her pain will ever shut up.
BENEDICT Cumberbatch is plugging his film The Imitation Game. He plays Alan Turing, the mathematician and computer scientist whose key work decrypting German codes in the second world war helped the British defeat the Nazis.
Turing died in 1954. He had been convicted of gross indecency for being gay. At the time homosexuality was illegal in the UK. He endured a chemical castration as an alternative to prison. His death was suicide, so they say.
HIGHLIGHTS from Iggy Pop’s John Peel Lecture for BBC Music at the Lowry theater in Salford, Manchester.
On Apple and U2:
“The people who don’t want the free U2 download are trying to say, ‘Don’t try to force me.’ And they’ve got a point. Part of the process when you buy something from an artist, it’s kind of an anointing, you are giving people love. It’s your choice to give or withhold. You felt like they were robbed of that chance and they have a point.”
On Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke selling the album Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes via BitTorrent.
“Sure, BitTorrent is a pirate’s friend. But all pirates want to go legit, just like I wanted to be respectable. So it’s good that Thom Yorke is encouraging a positive change.”
On Modern Piracy:
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IS there anything that makes you think the Daily Mirror is not siding with Judy Finnigan in the matter of footballer and convicted rapist Ched Evans.
Judy appears to have put her face on upside down.
WORLD’S Got Talent presents four-piece ensemble novii god h:
TABLOID headline of the week arrived via the Daily Mail:
Jude Law steps out in ripped joggers as his ex-wife Sadie Frost reveals she sprinkles a line of salt across her doorways to ‘absorb negative energy’
Ripped joggers, it turns out, are not shredded middle-aged men in lycra, rather cloth trousers.The second part of the headline is that Sadie Frost has new guru-guide book out. The Times reveals Frost
“I slowly open my eyes. I start by engaging with pranyama and a light meditation along with some of my favourite mantras, such as ‘I love and support myself.’ ”
AS you may have heard, Ghostbusters 3 is definitely happening.
However, there’s a twist – writer and director Paul Feig says the new film will be an all-female Ghostbusters cast and he will be writing it alongside Kate Dippold (from Parks and Recreation).
Of course, some fanboiz are spitting feathers over this, as an all-female Ghostbusters isn’t what they had in mind at all. However, if the casting is right, this could be a brilliant addition to the franchise.
Feig said on Twitter: “It’s official. I’m making a new Ghostbusters & writing it with @katiedippold & yes, it will star hilarious women. That’s who I’m gonna call.”
So who could Feig cast? There’s a wealth of brilliant and funny actresses out there and everyone will have a shortlist of their own. Here are some of our favourites.
Tina Fey is one of the funniest humans on the planet. Whether she’d take the Ghostbusters role is another matter, but producers should be throwing money at her.
THE BBC have made a charity single and that’s a nice thing. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t take the piss. The record – an all-star version of the Beach Boys’ ‘God Only Knows’ – is for Children In Need and isn’t unlike the BBC All-Star version of ‘Perfect Day’, a song about being on smack.
And so, here at Anorak, we’re doing a play-by-play of the video, looking at the deeper meaning behind the video and generally rinsing anyone involved in it.
Of course, with these grand affairs, you have to put a Marks & Spencer Christmas Advert sheen on everything, which means Victoriana and some pointless classical music bollocks.
The BBC don’t disappoint, kicking things off with a bearded conductor and an orchestra piddling about with their instruments.
Then, before you know it, the stars come rolling out thick and fast, headed up by Pharrell who, even though we’re in the throes of Autumn’s mental weather, is still showing off his aversion to socks. The lunatic.
THE film Idiocracy features perverted corporate logos created by Ellen Lampl. She tells TriviaHappy:
“A visual vernacular fusion of Nascar, candy packaging, Mexico handpainted signs and Japanese pop culture…
“Sometimes in comedy, graphics are the straight man. But, in Idiocracy, we let it be absurd, as part of the experience. We realized that life in its present state already had tendencies towards the ridiculous—branding seeps in everywhere—so we let it be over the top.”
DANNY Baker tells Radio Times readers about the time he asked Harry Enfield if he had any new characters. Enfield did. He’d created Frank Doberman, who told Baker: “Oi, Baker, no! You may think you’re the heir to the late-night talk-show crown, but to me you’ll always be a loud-mouthed, talentless, balding…”
YOU pick your heroes. Former N-Dubz singer Dappy, real name Costadinos Contostavlos, poses for a photograph with a young boy after his sentencing was deferred at Reading Magistrates’ Court.
Dappy has had his sentencing adjourned for punching a man in a row over a woman at a nightclub. The singer attacked Devonn Reid, who told him to stop talking to his female friend and girlfriend, at Evissa in Reading on 6 October last year.
District Judge Davinder Lachhar sent the case to Guildford Crown Court for sentencing.
She said this was because Dappy was given a six-month suspended sentence at the court in 2013.
The singer, who was found guilty of the nightclub assault last month under his real name Costadinos Contostavlos, was given the suspended sentence after being convicted of affray and assault at a Guildford petrol station in 2012.