IN this month’s Vanity Fair, Maureen Orth talks about the Church of Scientology. She mentions David Miscavige and Tom Cruise. She asks The Church of Scientology 32 questions. Jeffrey K. Riffer, of the law firm Elkins Kalt Weintraub Reuben Gartside LLP, writes a response: It’s dated August 16, 2012.
JK Rowling can build her massive Harry Potter treehouse, the one that looks like Hogwarts. The City of Edinburgh Council says Rowling’s children, David and Mackenzie, can run around in the twin towers. Other authors might like to do likewise, let their nippers play in a fantasy world. Aesop, after all, brought his kids up a giant wooden pub called the Dog & Wolf, and J. M. Barrie’s son used to sleep strapped to a ceiling fan with a leather belt:
THE JEDWARD “popping chocolate bar” are on sale. No, not pooping. Popping.
As Thomas E. Scott says: “Louis Walsh sits in a little nest and lays several of these every hour.”
Spotter: Brendan O’Neill
TERRY Nutkins has died. You can read about his interesting life here. You can see the tribute video hereunder. The youth loved him:
HOW can you not enjoy Lady Gaga, a little, lithe, dance-bodied twenty-something New Yorker who dresses from the deli counter and emerges on the Twickenham stage from a giant eyeball-veined womb, like a fairytale queen on a bag of rosy red apples about to be sieved through her metal fascinator? They comes to pay obeisance to the woman who pulls off knickers, bra and fishnets in public. They are not disappointed. Gaga includes the fans. She sings the hits with enthusiasm. She is self-indulgent, and unafraid of vocalising her opinions, notably on gays in the military. Sometimes she takes drugs. She compliments all, any and each sex on its appeal. Lady Gaga is the popstar you want to solve the problem presented by all the ones you don’t want. Now, what do you wear to meet her?
After success in pop, Huntington became a primary school teacher at Eldon Grove Primary School, Hartlepool. He’s the Deputy Headteacher of Rosebrook Primary School,Stockton-on-Tees.
RIP Terry Nutkins. You were the Windsor Safari Park general manager who in 1985 fed fish to dolphin mother Honey, on the occasion of her one year old baby Juno (r) birthday celebrations at the safari park. Before that, the eight-year-old Nutkins used to bunk off school, break into London Zoo and feed the elephants. (You used to be able to get into the Zoo by jumping the small fence by the canal, so I am, er, told).
At the age of 14, an otter bit off two of his fingers. At the time, Nutkins was living with the writer Gavin Maxwell (author of the classic Ring of Bright Water, the story of a smooth-coated otter he brought back from Iraq and reared in Scotland), described in the Telegraph as “a dysfunctional Peter Pan figure who eschewed adult company”.
Nutkins was famous because he was on the telly, fronting Animal Magic with Johnny Morris (and his bucket of fish) and creating The Real Wild Show. Back then a man with unassisted hair and a genuinely private private life could present very good children’s telly on the BBC without a need to go on a gameshows of trace his family tree. Back then humanity wasn’t always the baddie on nature programmes.
Looking at today’s telly stars, Nutkins was from another planet.
LORDY. Rihanna is absolutely determined to be an apologist for Chris Brown. Fine, she wants to forgive him and take a stronger stance than playing the victim or letting the awful beating she took ruin her life, but there’s something to make everyone incredibly uneasy about this whole tawdry affair.
Ri was seen kissing Breezy on the lips (as the video shows) at the MTV VMAs and it will no doubt add fuel to the notion that everyone should just leave Chris Brown alone. Team Breezy, Brown’s unswerving fans, will be thrilled at the sight of this, thinking that there’s officially nothing wrong with supporting a man who hospitalised a woman.
LANA DEL REY has always seemed disingenuous, bursting onto the scene on daddy’s money and dragging that long face of hers about the place with her vapid, weedy blub-pop. Well, praise be! Seems that she can’t be bothered being a popstar anymore and has revealed plans to branch out into screenwriting!
According to The Sun, Del Rey said:
“When I was first starting, I had a vision of being a writer for film and that’s what I am doing now. I’m so happy. Hopefully I will branch into film work and stay there.”
“What would it say? Everything I wanted to say, I’ve said already… I don’t think I’ll write another record.”
THE GQ Men of the Year awards 2012 featured 21 winners. One was a women. Her name: Lana Del Rey. Who appears naked on the post-awards issue? Any guesses…?
PS – Of the other winners, surely a naked Boris Johnson would sell more magazines that pouting Del Ray. (Unless you are one of the many to have seen zippy in the buff already.)
“There’s a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there’s a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to.”
Only, no-one thought to plug Sean Penn into the mains. He was – get this – pretending….
SCIENTOLOGY may not have destroyed Tom Cruise’s career, but everyone does think he’s weird now. And in fairness to him, he’s been acting very oddly since he leapt around on Oprah Winfrey’s sofa like an excitable simian. Katie Holmes has of course left him, leading everyone to talk about the recruiting process of the church in his bid to get himself a new wife (like the good-looking, incredibly wealthy Tom Cruise needs help!).
But what about his other ex-wife?
NAOMI Wolf has been chatting about her new book Vagina – A New Biography to the women on Mumsnet. Wolf has made a connection between brain and vagina. She might have also made a link between brains and arse.
Wolf says things like:
“Some people have a lower baseline autonomic nervous system and in lovemaking, something that heightens it like spanking or hair-pulling or some scenario that is threatening – as long as you are in control – that heightens some women’s autonomic nervous system, and in turn heightens their arousal and their orgasm.”
“When you understand that, it’s much less alarming.”
ONCE Amy Childs was famous for appearing on The Only Way Is Essex on ITV2 and having a hobby that involved sticking shiny beads onto her vagina (aka The Sugar Hut nightclub). Now the hobby becomes the job as Childs opens her new boutique in Brentwood, Essex. Wise fashion heads should now be planning to open a store selling chafe-proof knickers and vajazzle templates that let you lights up your genitals with your own birth sign or silhouettes famous faces and Michael Jackson’s glove. Call us, Essex, we have ideas…
The Bothwell Scarecrow Festival aims to raises money for Glasgow’s Yorkhill children’s hospital. Mr Love says he will donate a further £500 to charity if the head is returned safely.
EVERYONE pretty much thought of Michael Jackson as a troubled child trapped inside a troubled genius’ body. For a period, he was pretty much untouchable and then, in later life, pretty much in a state where no-one really wanted to touch him unless it was absolutely necessary.
However, the childlike quality remained and you could picture him, floating around his house like Peter Pan (only with a frightening face). You certainly couldn’t imagine him indulging in adult activities like jerking off or getting hammered.
Concerning the latter, that seems to be the case as someone has said that MJ was a hopeless drunk.
“I always say to her: ‘We’re best mates, Dolly!’ And she gives me the nod.”
And then she falls faces first into her mushed up banana.
DANICA Thrall, aid to masturbation and now Big Brother star emeritus, tells OK magazine (prop. Richard Desmond) that she’s not a “whore”. Reach for the stars, Danica.
So say Danica, who has told the Daily Star (prop. R. Desmond) about her lesbian scene of late night toss room telly:
“It was really a difficult time for me and I didn’t have any other options. I really needed the money – I was desperate. When you need money instantly you do things that you probably shouldn’t. So I can’t regret it because I didn’t have a choice.”
TO paraphrase, the Republican Party aren’t racist, but they are number one with racists. They don’t make many non-Christian white people happy. Over the years, the Republicans have been accused of acting too slowly when a lot of black people are in trouble, started wars with a lot of brown nations and, in more recent years, they’ve spread their target to include rape victims too.
Of course, big cheese Republican Romney nodded and winked at Obama, cooing about no-one needing to his birth-certificate, which sees him as a birther at best (a racist at worst). Obviously, Romney is less keen to mention the fact his family illegally entered America after running away from Mexico, but that’s another story.
TO the GQ Man of the Year awards 2012. We took photos of the lads and the liggers. We also wondered how you can be a Legend of The Year? Legends last just 12 months? Sir Tom Jones won that gong. Louis Smith said lookatmyfuckingredtrousers. Aaron Sorkin wore Shane Warne’s hair. Lots of Olympians arrived. Grace Jones was fabulous. Mo Farah did Robbie Williams’s tinfoil hat. And Bradley Wiggins looked, well, cool…
GREEN DAY are one of those mystifyingly popular bands that have conquered the world with three chords. Basically, they’re Status Quo with safety pins. However, you can now add ‘mystery illness’ to their charms as Billie Joe Armstrong was rushed to hospital, forcing Green Day to cancel shows.
“[I am] the fourth most Googled person on the planet, in 2011… Tenth was Jesus Christ.”
ONCE you get past the hair and the robotic voices, Chuck Norris and his wife tells us: “We’re at a tipping point and, quite possibly, our country as we know it may be lost forever.”
Did you get past the hair and the soothing robotic voices?
PS – If you kick enough people in the faces for a living, you might also believe people will do as you tell them to:
Did one of these make believe sell their story to the Enquirer? It can’t be the nanny. She’s on a watertight contract that means we never get to hear what Tom reads in the toilet (House and Garden) and how Angelina likes to turn down the thermostat in winter, which drove Tom bonkers.
“The one story Max Bygraves DIDN’T want to tell you – The public adored him – and so did his wife. But behind the facade of a happy marriage lay some very troubling secrets“
Now we can learn the truth. Christopher Stevens tells Mail readers that Bygraves was a bully who had a “string” of illegitimate children and kept them secret from his “suffering” wife Blossom. You can read all about it in Bygrace’s autobiography, Stars in My Eyes.