Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
TERRIBLE Tunes presents Mickey Katz ‘s K’nish Doctor.
In his biography, Katz recalls asking a radio station manager why he wouldn’t play any of his records:
I asked him why he wouldn’t play my records. He said, “Because some of our listeners are offended.”
I asked, “Who, besides you?”
He said, “I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
I answered, “I think it is my business because this is how I make a living. You play Italian records, you play Polish records–”
He cut me off. “I will not play any record with Yiddish in it. Yiddish is the language of the ghetto.”
“My friend,” I said, “Yiddish is the language of our forefathers.”
“I do not care to hear it.”
“Then why don’t you play some of my instrumental records? They’re some of the greatest music in the world, played by some of the greatest musicians in the world-Ziggy Elman, Mannie Klein, Nat Farber–”
Again he cut me off mid-sentence. “There will be no Yiddish spoken, or Jewish music played, on this station.”
Katz’s other tunes include: Borscht Riders in the Sky, Old Black Smidgick, She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Katzkills, Barber of Schlemiel, and That Pickle in the Window (How Much Is).
Speaking to the Guardian in a video interview – which will be published tomorrow – Cleese unleashed his famous grump and sneer, while no doubt furiously folding those gigantic thin arms of his.
Discussing how Twitter and other types of social media had lessened his need to co-operate with newspapers to publicise his work, he suddenly went off on one about the British press.
GOOD news everybody! The lead roles of Fifty Shades of Grey have been announced! You haven’t heard of them, but no matter, because the main bit of their job is to do a lot of sex, which is nice.
For those who must know, the British Charlie Hunnam and US actress Dakota Johnson will be taking their clothes off and talking to each other with clunky euphemisms, while Mumset tut about it all, before secretly frigging their collective pelvis off.
THANKS to a preserved rotten tooth, a Canadian dentist wants to bring back the late John Lennon back via the scientific miracle of cloning.
Edmonton tooth-botherer, Michael Zuk, claims he has sent the Beatle molar (which he bought at an auction last year for $31,000) to Penn State University, where he says “scientists are considering ways to extract the genetic code from the fragile specimen.”
EVERYONE has learned a new word this week – ‘twerking’. Everyone is tittering away about it and saying ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TWERKING IS!’, almost constantly.
And so, to clear things up, Morgan Freeman is going to explain what twerking is in a new video. And then, we’ll give you an instructional video.
In the video, Freeman says:
“The word twerking has now been added to the Oxford dictionary. Here’s the definition they gave: To dance to popular music in a sexually provocative manner, involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.’”
NO-ONE saw Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas getting together. He, older than Mumm-Ra, she, precious and dead-eyed, made for one of the most unusual couples in Hollywood.
With huge surprise, it turns out that they are taking a break from their marriage.
WHAT picture do you use to show the death of an Irishman? Seamus Heaney, the Irish Nobel laureate, has died at 74. Nobel laureate, best known for collections including Death of a Naturalist and Field Work, died in hospital in Dublin.
The Nobel Prize in Literature 1995 was awarded to Seamus Heaney “for works of lyrical beauty and ethical depth, which exalt everyday miracles and the living past”.
The Irish Times went with
The Times went with
The BBC went with:
And the Metro went with this….
WHAT picture do you choose to illustrate the news that Rolf Harris OBE CBE MBE, 83, has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children?
TV presenter Rolf Harris CBE, MBE and OBE – aka Jake the Peg and the singer to Two Little Boys; painter of the Queen’s portrait - has been charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of children, police have said.
Alison Saunders, chief Crown prosecutor for London, said:
“Having completed our review, we have concluded that there is sufficient evidence and it is in the public interest for Mr Harris to be charged with nine counts of indecent assault and four of making indecent images of a child. The alleged indecent assaults date from 1980 to 1986 and relate to two complainants aged 14 and 15 at the time of the alleged offending.”
Here’s Rolf singing about touching himself.
SIR Patrick Stewart is teaching his girlfriend Sunny Ozell the finer point of the quadruple take.
For you thesps:
JAMIE Oliver wants to call you names. He sees it as his job. He has called you “idiots” for letting your children eat “junk food” (defined as food Jamie doesn’t like eating). Because in Jamie’s world where facts are unimportant and what children enjoy eating (salty fat) will lead to them dying before their parents and vomiting faeces (Oliver school of junk science), mum and dad are “tossers” and “arseholes” for allowing children to drink fizzy pop and eat sweets. It is ”close to child abuse” says Jamie.
Jamie’s the mockney moraliser who looked at a parent and noted “the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers, and behind them is a massive fucking TV”. In Joyless Jamie’s world the poor kids should eat vegetables and listen to the radio, or watch Jamie’s TV shows in black and white; good and bad food given the monochrome treatment.
Jamie says fast food is “the most expensive way to hydrate and feed their families” . Parents should “grab ten mangetout for dinner that night”.
Now Jamie is attacking the young. Jamie says young British people are “wet behind the ears” and European immigrants are “tougher” workers.
This follows white middle-class Jamie’s other news that the ethnics are more in tune with his intolerant message:
“The sad thing is that generally ethnic kids and ethnic dinner ladies embrace either the cooking or the eating 10 times quicker than what we have learned to call ‘white trash’… This doesn’t mean they are bad people – far from it, just that ethnic minorities have a bigger sense of family, culture, have a use for the dinner table in the house and use food as a way of celebrating and communicating and being a family. It sounds very sad but in my experience it’s totally true. But, it doesn’t mean the harder kids won’t get turned around, it just takes a little longer.’
The poor whites are Jamie’s target. Jamie (value: £150m) is the council estate missionary teaching the low-lives his eating positions: sit up straight at the table and swallow his shit.
AS the world marvels at Miley Cyrus’s tongue, Bill Hicks looked at her dad, the achey breakey Billy Ray Cyrus.
This is NSFW:
BAD Ad Watch: Status Quo for Australian shop Coles:
Are you with the Quo or Adele, who said:
”I don’t want my name anywhere near another brand. I don’t wanna be tainted, or haunted, and I don’t wanna sell out in any way. I think it’s shameful.”
Was Bill Hicks right – are the Quo now “off the artistic roll call forever. You’re another whore at the capitalist gang bang … Everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink.”
Are the Quo selling groceries or just selling out?
MILEY Cyrus’s tongue flapped about the VMA awards, tasting the air for Press coverage and (Mickey) mouse droppings. Galleries of Miley’s tongue from birth to now can be seen on all leading news websites.
EVERYONE is talking about Miley Cyrus today. Why? Well, in a move which is incredibly unusual for pop stars, she danced provocatively while wearing not many clothes while singing a song.
Her now notorious performance at the MTV VMAs has, mystifyingly, drawn complaints… especially from a parenting pressure group over in America.
The Parents Television Council (PTC, who never complain about anything, honest) issued a complaint against the channel over the 20-year-old’s routine and said that the show should not have been rated as suitable for 14 year olds, adding: “Heads should roll at MTV.”
NO panic, whales, Kim Basinger is here to help. In a letter addressed to Russian’s topless stunna and homophobe Vladimir Putin, the actress writes via Peta:
“I was thrilled to learn that the 18 beluga whales who were slated to be transported from the Utrish Marine Mammal Research Station to a U.S. aquarium will remain in Russia and out of my home state of Georgia.
“The whales would have had a bleak life if they had been shipped to Georgia for public display… As an ardent supporter of marine life, I commend you for your efforts to preserve this magnificent species. Now that these whales will not be transferred to the U.S., I urge you to take the next step and ensure that they are returned to their rightful ocean home…
“The plight of these whales has the whole world watching to see what will happen next. I urge you to help return these belugas to their families in the ocean. Will you take a strong unequivocal stand in favor of marine animals by initiating the rehabilitation-and-release process?”
Vlad might sense a Peta-laid trap. Esquire has few words on whales:
Sometimes one male swims underwater and rubs the other whale’s three-foot long penis with his beak. They swim in this position, dive into the water intertwined, then typically repeat the act with the positions reversed. Perhaps the world’s most considerate animal, 90 percent of Orcas’ homosexual encounters are reciprocal.
Gay whales. Can Vlad, who loves the whales but hates the gays, spot these gay whales before they infect the rest of the stock? Maybe gay whales will congregate elsewhere:
Our whale-watching guide, Carlos from Ecotours, informs us that nearly 400 humpbacks migrate here between November and April, mating and giving birth in alternate years. In the breeding season, males sing whale songs as part of their mating ritual. Carlos confides, without a hint of embarrassment, that a third of the whale songs attract other males. Gay whales? Yep!
You see. Peta has not once more simply recruited another dumb animal to highlight the burning issues of the moment – “the whole world is watching”. It’s part of a drive to speak up for the gays and shame Putin into placing humanity on a even footing with whales…
SOPHIE Anderton is the former British celebrity billed at various times in her career as a supermodel, face of the 2006’s National Egg Awareness Campaign and coke-snorting prostitute. She is now featuring on Celebrity Big Brother. The much-missed News of the World exposed the sex for sale thus:
In a sensational secret rendezvous with a News of the World undercover man, the leggy supermodel STRIPPED to her G-string and Christian Louboutin stilettos and spread herself across the bed.
“I’m great at sex,” Sophie bragged as she beckoned our reporter to romp with her. “I’ll be a lot of fun. I’ll look great on your fucking arm. I’m a supermodel.”
JEAN E. Hill has died. The actress most memorably appeared on greeting cards and played Grizelda Brown in John Waters’ Desperate Living:
SO. What does rhyme with Robin Thicke’s question of the summer: “What rhymes with hug me?”
REVEALING THE MYSTERY BEHIND THE SONG OF THE SUMMER.
WHAT RHYMES WITH HUG ME?
WHAT do Ben & Jerry’s and porn films have in common? Well, apart from a fondness for dreadful puns, a porn company has been inspired by the ice cream vendors and made a load of films that are produced with B&J’s in mind.
NO-ONE loves music more than teenagers and, no-one loves One Direction more than teenager girls. With that, Channel 4 decided to air a documentary about 1D’s fans, painting them in a less than flattering light. That’s Channel 4′s forte at the minute, mocking people who need a council house, can’t speak English, are part of the travelling community and people on benefits.
If you’re working class or foreign in Britain, you can thank Channel 4 for turning your social media feeds into something akin to a UKIP rally.
THERE has been quite the hubbub about Jeremy Paxman and his beard this week, with some people near-orgasmic in praise, while others somersaulting in disgust.
The real news is that, current affairs aren’t as interesting as a TV titan growing a bit of fuzz.
DOES anyone fancy going to the cinema to watch Human Ghjac in the latest blockbuster, Worinelve? Obviously, you haven’t heard of either of those things, but look at the photo of this prime cock-up and you’ll learn more.
And there we have it, a bus-sized balls-up where one advertiser will be annoyed at Stagecoach making a hash of their paid-for advertising… although, with this surely on the cusp of going viral, maybe we’ll see all future film ads being garbled in such a manner.
Now, where can we get Human Ghjac’s autograph?