Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
THEY had one job. Just write a single sentence about a movie. It’s not quantum physics. After millions of dollars spent and many months of filming and editing, it comes down to the humble tagline writer to simply scrawl a few words together. Alas, this task is often too much to bear, and a movie poster is forever besmirched by a woefully inadequate blurb which undercuts all the hard work. Perhaps it’s not so easy to condense an entire film into a few words; whatever the case, here are a few examples where tag lines fail.
Loose Shoes (1980)
There won’t be a dry seat in the house.
Three Hats For Lisa: Swinging London And Sid James Gives The Greatest Musical Performance In Cinema History
IS this the greatest musical performance in cinema history?
Joe Brown, French-born Sophie Hardy (who played the eponymous Lisa Milan), Sid James, Una Stubbs and Dave Nelson hit the big screen – in colour – with the 1964 release of Three Hats For Lisa.
YouTuber RetrunerMan reveals the plot:
It’s a Swinging London romp as Joe (Johnnie) tties to help Lisa Milan, played by Sophie Hardy, to find three typically British hats for her collection. Probably not too difficult, only she wants to steal them instead of buy them. Oh, and one is a coppers helmet!
BETWEEN 1976 and 1984, Woody Allen was the 2D star of Stuart Hample’s comic strip Inside Woody Allen.
WHATEVER happened to… Ryan Paris, the singer born Fabio Roscioli in Rome who gave full throat to the 1983 smash hit single, Dolce Vita?
Before creep shots, there was this video of women walking about minding their own business. Ryan Paris was the embodiment of the City of Love:
FLASHBACK to 02/11/1957: The McCormick Skiffle Group were, from left to right, Billy McCormick, Frank Healy, Wesley McCausland, Edward McSherry, and James McCartney.
LETTERS of note: Paul McCartney wrote this letter in 1960 to a possible drummer for the Beatles for the band’s trip to Hamburg. The wold-be drummer should go to the Jacaranda Club – the Liverpool venue first to host the Beatles.
“They’re Dead. They’re All Messed Up” – How George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead Recreates the Unrest of 1968
THE AMC original TV series Mad Men (2007 – ) set its latest season against a disquieting historical backdrop: the turbulent events of the year 1968.
Specifically, Matthew Weiner’s award-winning period drama book-ended the season with allusions to two classic genre films from that year: Franklin Schaffner’s Planet of the Apes and Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby.
Both are excellent selections that showcase, respectively, global and spiritual apocalypse.
Yet there is another film — one released on October 1st, 1968 — that also represents perfectly the turmoil of America during that season: George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.
Today — due in large part to another AMC series, The Walking Dead (2010 – ), which is now airing the final portion of its fourth season — the zombie is arguably more popular a monster than ever before in genre history. Since Night of the Living Dead is its acknowledged spiritual and historical antecedent, the original film is thus eminently worthy of a re-watch in 2014.
TO the Dave Lee Travis trial. The former BBC Radio DJ known as the ‘Hairy Cornflake’ is in court answering 13 counts of indecent assault and one of sexual assault. He denies any wrongdoing. Cue The Chuckle Brothers, Barry (left) and Paul Elliott, who arrived at Southwark Crown Court in London, as witnesses. They sensed the mood perfectly:
TODAY marks the anniversary of Joe Meek’s death. The first British independent record label, genius producer and thorough crackpot departed this Earth on 3rd February after committing suicide after murdering his landlady at his home studio on Holloway Road.
And ever a fan of the occult, it only seems right to contact Meek on the date of his death, rather than birth. Meek, who ‘contacted’ Buddy Holly beyond the grave and got a hit out of it, was a studio wizard, as avant garde with his approach to pop music as Aphex Twin was in the ’90s.
ON This Day – February 3 1959: Charles Hardin Holley – aka Buddy Holly – 22, Jiles P Richardson – aka the Big Bopper – 28, and Richard Valenzuela – aka Ritchie Valens – 17, were killed when their single-engined Beechcraft Bonanza planed crashed shortly take-off from Clear Lake, Iowa.
Pilot Roger Peterson, 21, also lost his life.
The triumvirate’s last show has been at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake, Iowa, where their memory lives on:
Holly had only recent gone solo, breaking up with the Crickets.
On February 1 1959, the stars played Green Bay, WI, Ballroom.
They had been a sensation. Buddy Holly and the Crickets made an appearance on the Arthur Murray Dance Party on December 29, 1957. It was unusual to see a band like the Crickets performing on the show.
“Now, if you haven’t heard of these young men, then you must be the wrong age because they’re rock and roll specialists. Now, no matter what you think about rock and roll, I think you have to keep a nice open mind about what the young people go for. Otherwise the youngsters won’t feel that you understand them. Now, if we’re ready for our rock and roll specialists, we have…Buddy Holly and the Crickets!”
WHEN disco hit its stride in the mid to late Seventies, it transcended language and boundaries. Perhaps, the secret of its success was that the criterion was so damn simple: Can you dance to it? If the answer was “yes”, chances are, you have a disco hit on your hands.
While ABBA and The Bee-Gees propelled the genre into the stratosphere, there were plenty of other good (and not-so-good) disco tracks being churned out across Europe that deserve to be resurrected. Here are 9 interesting, odd, and awesome gems rescued from obscurity. Enjoy.
Dschingis Khan – “Dschinghis Khan” (1979) Germany
I wonder what the Mongol overlord would have said if he knew he’d one day be the subject of a peppy German disco track. I can’t predict his exact words, but I’m sure it would have ended with a beheading or evisceration of some sort. I suppose one day they’ll be dancing to songs about Pol Pot and Idi Amin.
Albert’s Negrita – “That’s The Ball” (1976) Germany
I think there’s something wrong with me. I actually really, really like this. The song makes no sense whatsoever, it’s alarmingly repetitive, and involves no musical talent or skill whatsoever. Maybe I’ve just listened to one too many disco songs, or maybe I’m coming down with a bad fever – whatever the reason, I dig this track. I don’t know a thing about it, except that it sounds like it comes from a German porno. And if it wasn’t, it should have.
Penny McLean – “Lady Bump” (1975) Austria
Was this a prelude to Fergie’s humps, her lovely lady lumps? In typical disco fashion, the lyrics are wonderfully bad:
They call me lady bump lady bump
It’s no lie – aaaaaaaah
Lady bump, lady bump –
Just the music takes me high.
Actually, the “aaaaaah” should read “AHHHHHH!!!!!!” – Penny really lays a eardrum shattering screech to that bit.
Svenne & Lotta – “Funky Feet” (1976) Sweden
Deciding it sounded too much like “Dancing Queen”, ABBA opted to include this on their album, sending it to fellow Swedes, Svenne & Lotta, instead. This is truly a piece of disco dynamite, but one can’t help but wonder what Frida and Agnetha could have done with it. Their vocals would have sent this track to another dimension of disco heaven.
The Duskeys – “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow” (1982) Ireland
I can’t help it. This just makes me want to put on a tight gold lame leisure suit, do a line of cocaine, and hit the discothèque.
Oh, wait. This is Irish disco. Make that – drink a pint of ale then hit the discothèque… then do a line of cocaine. (Glad we cleared that up.)
Sophie & Magaly – “Papa Penguin” (1980) France
“I Am The Walrus” is easily one of the most complex songs ever recorded, and “Papa Penguin” is easily one of the simplest. I guess you could say they are the Walrus and Penguin are Polar opposites……. Get it? Polar? (insert crickets chirping)
Chilly – “For Your Love” (1978) Germany
Who would have guessed a Yardbird classic would translate so well to disco? I understand this may be utterly offensive to rock purists; but, if you even have a passing appreciation for disco, you’ll have to agree this is solid gold. I would admit that I enjoy it more than the original, but I like to avoid being verbally assaulted whenever possible.
Raffaella Carra – “Pedro” (1980) Italy
The song itself is nothing particularly special; however, the male dancer outfits in this music video are special indeed. And by “special” I mean “hilariously awful”. They look like flamboyantly gay superhero private detectives who work in Willy Wonka’s factory. If that description makes no sense, have a look. All will become clear.
Jumbo – “City Girls” (1977) Germany
I included this song simply because the album cover is one of the greatest artistic creations ever conceived. Before you leave this article, I recommend you stare at this cover for a minimum of ten minutes, and let its awesomeness wash over you. When it changes your life forever, don’t forget to leave a comment at the bottom of this post. I don’t ask for much – your eternal gratitude is more than enough.
FLASHBACK to September 22 1952: As with many other screen star who lives in the goldfish bowl called Hollywood, Robert Mitchum likes to escape the public gaze whenever possible on hunting and fishing trips. For the twin purpose of privacy and mobility on his jaunts he designed and built a super luxurious house-truck. In his custom land- cruiser Mitchum can enjoy all the comforts of home wherever his fancy takes him. Here the motion picture actor leaves his driveway with two of his children; Jim (11) and Chris (8). Mrs. Mitchum and their daughter Pertine, who remained behind, wish them farewell.
DID you hear the news that Philip Seymour Hoffman has died? When did you hear it? Was it a couple of days ago?
Was it about the same time you heard that Vin Diesel was dead?
Or Jessica Simpson had died?
Or any of these famous faces?
On February Vin Diesel’s rep told one and all: “He joins the long list of celebrities who have been victimized by this hoax. He’s still alive and well, stop believing what you see on the Internet.” Hoffman’s rep said thd same.
What kind of a pillock makes up stories about people being dead and then solves the mystery as a scoop? Is this mentally negligible dolt they having second thoughts about their hobby now that one of their targets has died?
Philip Seymour Hoffman has died. He was a great actor – one of the finest of his generation.
IN 1995, Philip Seymour Hoffman played Bernardo, Horatio and Laertes in Todd Louiso’s 1995 version of Tom Stoppard’s 1976 play The Fifteen Minute Hamlet. Stoppard has enjoyed a hit with his Hamlet spin-off Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. In this play, Stoppard strips down Shakespeare’s play into 13 minutes – plus a two-minute encore.
SID Vicious was immortalised in plastic and nylon. He had his own doll. We love a celebrity love doll here at Anorak. But our list of the most unusual action figures omits this wonder once on sale in New York’s Greenwich Village, the place where Vicious breathed his last in 1979.
The Sid Vicious doll – ‘or is it Gary Glitter after a debilitating stroke?’
Spotter: Danny Baker @prodnose
THE whole story around the Ian Watkins trial has been ghoulish and difficult to read about. Aside from the obvious victims involved, you have to feel for fans of The Lostprophets, Watkins’ band mates and those who worked with them, unknowing of what went on. The whole tale is beyond grim at every level.
People’s response to the whole thing isn’t helping either, determined to find out every grisly detail, just to stoke their own horror at it all, so they can attempt some kind of moral highground online, to people who already agree with them.
A Black Gnostic Introduction To Sun Ra And His Archestra: Space Is the Place For Saturn’s Angel Race
BEFORE cosmic ordering became the celebrities’ guiding light, there was Sun Ra, jazz maestro of Saturn’s Angel Race. He was not from Earth. He was from Saturn. Sun Ra was born into Alabama’s deep segregation. He was named Herman Poole Blount. But as he said: “That’s an imaginary person, never existed … Any name that I use other than Ra is a pseudonym.”
Sun Ra was the cosmic leader of The Solar Myth Arkestra, His Cosmo Discipline Arkestra, the Blue Universe Arkestra, The Jet Set Omniverse Arkestra and all manner of Arkestras. The line-ups changed to reflect his changing music. Right now, the Sun Ra Arkestra boasts over 20 “tone scientists”.
The Arkestra were for hire. Take a card:
Want to hear him?
Filmed in Chicago & finished in 1959, The Cry of Jazz is filmmaker, composer and arranger Edward O. Bland’s polemical essay on the politics of music and race – a forecast of what he called “the death of jazz.”
IN 1964 Isaac Asimov was wondering about the future. What would the world be like 50 years hence? Asimov put down his idea for the The New York Times. Of course, this professor of biochemistry at Boston University wrote hundreds of books and letters. Maybe if you trained 500 monkeys to write sci-fi and fantasy one of them would crete a cogent vision for mankind in 2064.
(One report calculates that for the 35 years after the mid 1950s, Asimov belted out 90 words a minute, eight hours a day, seven days a week.)
But Asimov was not in the habit of making random words into lucky patterns. Well, not always. He did say: “I write as a result of some inner compulsion, and I’m not always in control of it.”
Motorcars never have woken in the night to race off to auto sex orgies.
On August 16, 1964, Asimov shared with NY Times’ readers his reactions to a visit to the World’s Fair 0f 2014. The Worlds;’ Fair had opened in New York. His writing was on a theme.
HATE to break it to you ’80s nostalgiaists, but Back To The Future sucks. Basically, the whole story is about a boy who looks like he’s thirty, getting his own way like some brat, nearly getting off with his mum, stealing the invention of rock ‘n’ roll from the true innovators and gave birth to irritating people demanding hoverboards because we now live in the future.
And now, all the terrible action will be recreated in a stage musical, set to debut in London’s West End in 2015. Hopefully, it’ll be like Planet Of The Apes: The Musical, as seen in The Simpsons.
Good news for fans though as Robert Zemeckis, who co-wrote and directed the ’85 flick, will be reuniting with co-writer Bob Gale to recreate it for the stage.
THE Brit Awards – the British recording industry’s lavish work’s do – is less than 3 weeks away and a slurry of famous faces will be trudging through the doors of the O2 Arena, hiding cocaine in their underwear, getting wasted in front of their label bosses and making unpleasant sexual advances toward interns.
WOMEN don’t have any agency. They don’t choose to have children nor are they capable of rejecting the advances of rich men. Women are wombs to be squirted in to and then used. Women are basically cattle. Welcome to the world of the Daily Mail as most recently articulated by the paper’s newest woman-who-hates-woman, Sarah Vine.
Shipped in to throw shade like an angry ancient oak, Vine’s latest target is Hugh Grant, an old enemy of the Daily Mail’s whose campaigning with Hacked Off has further enraged the potato-faced Paul Dacre. As it goes I don’t agree with Grant’s characterisation of the press, his advocacy for regulatory regimes that would bring the press dangerously close to state control nor his belief that he’s above scrutiny. However, Sarah Vine’s characterisation of his private life, the women he is involved with and his children is vile.
IN 1974 the Reverend David A. Noebel put own in words his thought on The Beatles. These thoughts were deep enough to form an entire book, The Marxist Minstrels: A Handbook on Communist Subversion of Music.
Who is Rev. Noebel? We turn to the back of the book:
Rev. David Noebel, Associate Evangelist of Billy James Hargis and Dean of the Christian Anti-Communist Summer University, The Summit, Manitou Springs, Colorado, is the author of this excellent study. When Dr. Hargis discovered Rev. Noebel and recognized his leadership ability, the author of this book was pastor of a Bible Church in Madison, Wisconsin, where he was also working on his Doctorate of Philosophy at the University of Wisconsin. Rev. Noebel enthusiastically joined Dr. Hargis’s team and has become a leading spokesman for Christian Crusade in recent months.
That same year, he penned Rock ‘N’ Roll: A Prerevolutionary Form of Cultural Subversion.
These followed other works, like the 1966 panic reader Rhythm Riots and Revolution and 1969’s The Beatles: A Study in Drugs, Sex and Revolution. The artwork on this is fabulous.
But Communism, Hypnotism, and The Beatles is hard to beat. In it we learn:
“And, since our teenagers under Beatlemania will actually riot, it is imperative to understand the basic underlying philosophy of the Beatles. Are they susceptible to the enemies of our Republic?”
The subtitle to his insight is “Analysis of the Communist Use of Music – the Master Plan”.
The Beatles as Communists? The Beatles who sang:
Let me tell you how it will be,
There’s one for you, nineteen for me,
‘Cause I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don’t take it all.
‘Cause I’m the Taxman,
Yeah, I’m the Taxman.
(If you drive a car ), I’ll tax the street,
(If you try to sit ), I’ll tax your seat,
(If you get too cold ), I’ll tax the heat,
(If you take a walk ), I’ll tax your feet.
You see, rock ‘n’ roll is making your Communists and gay. Pop is “un-Christian, mentally unsettling, revolutionary and a medium for promiscuity”.
And that’s why we love it!
In 1965, Newsweek covered Noebel in an article called Beware The Red Beatles:
Fluoridation, mental-health programs, and the United Nations are, as every Right-thinking fundamentalist well knows, insidious Communist plots to soften up America for the Bolshevik takeover. But by dint of ‘hard intelligence’, a 28-year-old Wisconsin preacher, on tour for Billy Hargis’s Christian Crusade says he has unearthed a more subtle Communist ploy -the Beatles.
“In the excitatory state that the Beatles place these youngsters into, these young people will do anything they are told to do . . . One day when the revolution is ripe,’ the minister warns in dark, apocalyptic tones, ‘they [the communists] could put the Beatles on TV and [they] could mass hypnotize the American youth. This scares the wits out of me.”
The Communists, through their scientists, educators and entertainers, have contrived an elaborate, calculating and scientific technique directed at rendering a generation of American youth useless through nerve-jamming, mental deterioration and retardation. The plan involves conditioned reflexes, hypnotism and certain kinds of music. The results, destined to destroy our nation, are precise and exacting. Little wonder the Kremlin maintains it will not raise the Red flag over America—the Americans will raise it themselves. If the following scientific program destined to make our children mentally sick is not exposed, mentally degenerated Americans will indeed raise the Communist flag over their own nation!
Noebel had science to support his theories:
Pavlov experimented with animals in other areas as well, for example, in an area known as artificial neurosis. Here the scientist took healthy animals and using two conditioned reflexes, the excitatory reflex and the inhibitory reflex, caused these healthy animals to break down mentally with cases of artificial neurosis. As we shall see, this is exactly what the Beatles, in particular, and rock and roll, in general, are doing to our teenagers’.
You want more?
Former rock player, Bob Larson, in conjunction with a physician, offers some light on the relationship between hard rock and promiscuous sex. He contends that the low frequency vibrations of the bass guitar, coupled with the driving beat of the drum, have a decided effect upon the cerebralspinal fluid. The fluid in turn affects the pituitary gland which directs the secretion of hormones, resulting in an abnormal balance of primarily the sex and adrenalin hormones. Instead of their normal regulatory function in the body, these hormones secreted under such conditions produce radical changes in the blood sugar and calcium of the body. Since the brain is nourished exclusively by blood sugar, it ceases to function properly, causing moral inhibitions to either drop to a dangerous low or be wiped out altogether. (Former rock player, Bob Larson, in conjunction with a physician, offers some light on the relationship between hard rock and promiscuous sex. He contends that the low frequency vibrations of the bass guitar, coupled with the driving beat of the drum, have a decided effect upon the cerebralspinal fluid. The fluid in turn affects the pituitary gland which directs the secretion of hormones, resulting in an abnormal balance of primarily the sex and adrenalin hormones. Instead of their normal regulatory function in the body, these hormones secreted under such conditions produce radical changes in the blood sugar and calcium of the body. Since the brain is nourished exclusively by blood sugar, it ceases to function properly, causing moral inhibitions to either drop to a dangerous low or be wiped out altogether.
Hermina Eisele Brown, Director of Music Therapy Dept, New Jersey State Hospital, says that primitive rhythms are rarely good as they arouse basic instinct in the emotionally insecure person. Rock and roll has a direct bearing on delinquency since all delinquents are emotionally insecure;
But The Beatles as Communists… Really?
But our younger children are not the only ones being tampered with by the Communists. Our teenager is also being exploited. Exploited for at least three reasons: (a) his own demoralization; (b) to create in him mental illness through artificial neurosis and (c) to prepare him for riot and ultimate revolution in order to destroy our American form of government and the basic Christian principles governing our way of life.
Four young men, noted for their tonsils and tonsure, are helping to bring about the above. When the Beatles conducted their “concert” in Vancouver, British Columbia, 100 persons were stomped, gouged, elbowed and otherwise assaulted during a 29-minute performance.
Nearly 1,000 were injured in Melbourne, Australia; in Beirut, Lebanon, fire hoses were needed to disperse hysterical fans. In the grip of Beatle fever, we are told the teenagers weep, wail and experience ecstasy-ridden hysteria that has to be seen to be believed. Also, we are told teenagers “bite their lips until they bleed and they even get over-excited and take off their clothes.” To understand what rock and roll in general and the Beatles in particular are doing to our teenagers, it is necessary to return to Pavlov’s laboratory. The Beatles’ ability to make teenagers take off their clothes and riot is laboratory tested and approved. It is scientifically labeled mass hypnosis and artificial neurosis.
And not just The Beatles:
The music isn’t “art-form” at all, but a very destructive process. Teenage mental breakdown is at an all time high and juvenile delinquency is nearly destroying our society. Both are caused in part by emotional instability which in turn is caused in part by destructive music such as rock and roll and certain kinds of jazz. But no matter what one might think about the Beatles or the Animals or the Mindbenders, the results are the same—a generation of young people with sick minds, loose morals and little desire or ability to defend themselves from those who would bury them.
The Beatles’ public pronouncements, in the main, could not please this socialist-communist coterie more and, therefore, although the Beatles might not fully understand all the ramifications of their usefulness, they have been considered more than acceptable by the Left. Hence, rock’n’roll in general and the Beatles in particular have a special significance to the disrupters of society for their promotion of drugs, avant-garde sex and atheism. The revolu- tion, though sometimes veiled, is fundamentally against Christianity and Christianity’s moral concepts. Karl Marx sought to dethrone God before he set out to destroy capitalism. Since the rebellion or revolution not only sustains, but feeds on the sexual revolution, it is quite natural that the revolutionaries are against morality and Biblical Christianity which impedes the sexual revolution . . . There is good reason, therefore, why the Red revolution- ists who are dedicated to attacking Christianity and the morals of Christianity look to the Beatles as their ‘cultural heroes’. Of course, to the naive and uninitiated, the Beatles simply appear as four, fine, wholesome, uplifting musicians, but to those who peer at the clenched fisted, radical revolutionists on our college campuses (and their useful idiots), the Beatles take on a vastly different hue and tone.
What to do? What to do? Your writer knew:
In conclusion, it seems rather evident to this writer that the communists have a master music plan for all age brackets of American youth. We know from documented proof that such is the case for babies, one- and two-year-olds with their rhythmic music; we know such is the case for school children with their rhythmic music and for university students with their folk music.4 What but rock and roll fits the teenager? This isn’t saying that the communists have invented rock and roll or any other type of music, but they do in fact know how to use each type for their own purpose
.Throw your Beatle and rock and roll records in the city dump. We have been unashamed of being labeled a Christian nation; let’s make sure four mop-headed anti-Christ beatniks don’t destroy our children’s emotional and mental stability and ultimately destroy our nation as Plato warned in his Republic.
He wasn’t alone. When John Lennon me his quip about Jesus being smaller than The Beatles, records were torched. “Christianity will go,” said Lennon. “It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now; I don’t know which will go first — rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”
In 1p82. Noebel retuned The Fab Four with his screed The Legacy of John Lennon: Charming or Harming a Generation?. In 2006, Noebel wrote that these “pied-pipers from Liverpool led tens of thousands straight into the drug culture and sexual revolution. Indeed, Lennon’s gospel was a gospel of freedom without God, moral boundaries or adult responsibility. His mantra of ‘give peace a chance’ was merely a cloak to cover his drug-drenched lifestyle, promiscuity (free love) and Marxist/socialist revolution.”
Such are the facts…
THE 1960s through the 1980s saw a flood of low budget albums released around the globe. It seemed all you needed to make a record was some loose change and poor decision making skills. Indeed, much of what landed on record store shelves can only be described as deeply regrettable. Of course, this endless variety of awfulness is what makes record collecting so enjoyable 30+ years later.
I won’t pretend to even scratch the surface of the worst of the worst in this article. Instead, here’s a random handful of 15. Enjoy!