Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
SPOTIFY has been incredibly divisive in the music industry, with some looking at it like a perfectly good promo tool to promote artists, while others think it’s stealing all their lovely royalties. Others sit somewhere between the two, thinking At Least It Isn’t Illegal Downloading.
Music fans are equally divided, with someone wondering why you’d pay a subscription for music you can’t keep, while others love how it opens up a huge library of music to delve into, make playlists and more.
WE told Justin Bieber’s career as a walking Barbie and Ken’s walking Dollette would be over when he showed us all his first zit. This is his mug shot:
Just wait to grow a hair in an interesting place. You’ll hear his handlers scream in space…
JUSTIN Bieber arrested in Florida for drunk driving. This is, of course, cracking news for the 98% of people who follow his career waiting for him to crash and burn.
Bieber spent his formative showbiz years being moulded into a plasticised goody-goody, a flawless perma-child, god-touched, singing-foetus, sexless non-teen teen. He was the teenager like no other.
Bieber had no strops. Bieber had no spots. Beiber had no sexual urges. Bieber was a bigger ambulatory Ken dollette with only one orifice. And then he realised he had stacks of money and started to behave normally.
Thank god. The old Bieber was terrifying. This new one’s just a pillock. He was driving a rented Lamborghini. Oh, dear-oh-dear.
The Trolling Sun And Bullying Ulrika Johnson Call Stan Collymore A ‘Vile Hypocrite’ Over Twitter Abuse – Oh, The Irony
THE Sun’s columnist Ulrika Johnson was once punched in the face by her then lover Stan Collymore. The footballer-turned radio DJ has been complaining of being abused and threatened by his fellow tweeters. He invited all tweeters – and his half a million followers – to tell the police about any abuse by anyone with a Twitter “hate profile”.
Collymore wanted the State to clamp down on internet offensiveness.
“In the last 24 hours I’ve been threatened with murder several times, demeaned on my race, and many of these accounts are still active. Why? I accuse Twitter directly of not doing enough to combat racist/homophobic /sexist hate messages, all of which are illegal in the UK.”
SO, The Brit Awards are due and London’s cocaine dealers are excitedly charging around like it’s Christmas morning. All the record industry, hangers-on, people off the telly and well connected interns will all get together for music’s work’s do, get absolutely leathered and expect us, the record buying prole-scum at home, to be nice to them on Twitter.
THE People newspaper says being bisexual is a lifestyle choice. The story begins with a picture of Lee Ryan, the priapic Blue singer.
It then moves to To Tom Daley:
UH-OH. Quentin Tarantino is declaring war on Hollywood after someone leaked the script for ‘Hateful Eight’. Only six people have seen the script itself, and Quentin is naming names. Bruce Dern is one and ‘Reservoir Dogs’ stars Tim Roth and Michael Madsen are two more.
He said: “I’m very, very depressed. I finished a script, a first draft, and I didn’t mean to shoot it until next winter, a year from now. I gave it to six people, and apparently it’s gotten out today. I like the fact that people like my shit, and that they go out of their way to find it and read it. But I gave it to six motherfucking people!”
THE OCCULTISM explosion which overtook North America and Europe in the 1970s ushered in a level of national fascination that is hard to understand if you weren’t there. But, as with anything that experiences a surge in popularity, it becomes sabotaged by the Johnny-come-lately offerings riding the gravy train. In the blink of an eye, the wild taboo becomes irredeemably cheesy. Such is the territory we shall cover today…
10. THE KNEE OF LISTENING/ SHAVE WHILE YOU HALLUCINATE
THE LATE 1960s to mid-70s were a manic depressive time period in music, populated by exultant highs and soul crushing lows. The highs came in the form of disco and bubblegum pop via ABBA, The Bee Gees and their ilk. The lows came in the form of devastating testaments to inner sadness and existential rage. Perhaps it was Vietnam, recreational heroin use, and an economy that was in the crapper that caused such a swell in depressing anthems. Who knows? What is known is that this time period was fertile ground for misery put to melody, and whittling them down to a list of 15 was a daunting task indeed, but here goes….
15. “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen
I think of all the friends I’ve known
But when I dial the telephone
It’s not so much the lyrics as the morose delivery under a melody lifted from Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2. Carmen sounds so deeply depressed that you half expect to hear a gunshot at the end of the song.
AS well you know, Russia has been saying some spectacularly dumb things about the LGBT community. In return, the gays and right-minded people have been telling Russia to stick it up their collective hole and piss off while they’re doing it.
And now, with Elton John speaking against the country’s anti-gay law, Vladimir Putin has decided to proclaim his love for Sir Elton, saying that he’s “an outstanding musician”.
GRATEFUL Dead fans for whom Jerry Garcia is more than an ice-cream pun can head over to JerryGarcia.com and tune in to the music of the 26 bands he played with. Best of all, you can see all the Dead’s shows archived. (They played over 2,300 shows.) If that’s not enough, you can check out Grateful Dead Archive Online from the University of California, Santa Cruz. And then take a look at the Internet Archive’s Grateful Dead collection.
If you don’t know the Dead’s work, listen to their first album. It is a country-rock classic.
APPARENTLY Neil Young and Jack White have teamed-up for an album of covers. Seeing as this is two of the most miserable singers on the planet, you can only imagine the size of the raincloud over the studio while they recorded.
We can only hope that Morrissey and Van Morrison get together in a bid to outdo this hugely glum record.
THE French are not known for being particularly prudish. Their great art is filled with tasteful nudes. They have the boobies on the beaches. Their accents make people orgasm on impact. We’ve seen Carla Bruni with no clothes on. The French, it seems, are comfortable with the human form.
Unless you’re Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears it seems, who have had their videos banned by French television.
THE Nicolas Anelka ‘quinelle’ controversy has taken a dramatic new twist, as West Bromwich Albion’s sponsors have threatened to end their shirt contract if the club continues to pick the French striker.
Zoopla are not the first people to find that association with high-profile individuals can be a double-sided sword…
Flashback To Mach 11 1977: Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten Gives The Double V-Sign After He’s Fined For Drugs
FLASHBACK to 11/03/1977: Johnny Rotten, lead singer with the Sex Pistols, giving a double V-sign to journalists after he had been fined £40 on a drugs charge (speed, since you ask) at Marlborough Street Magistrates Court, London.
FOR a vegetarian, Morrissey doesn’t half thrive on beef. Every time he has something to plug, like a second division rapper, he gets out his broadsword and starts thrashing away at anything popular or generally, whatever cross that brain of his.
And now, Moz has inked a deal for his new solo album, with Capitol/Harvest Records looking mediocre sales in the second half of 2014, mainly from the few who use the True To You online fanzine.
ON January 16th of 1980, Paul McCartney was busted for weed. Japanese customs officials at Narita International Airport found 7.7 ounces of cannabis in the former Beatle’s singer’s bags. For his pains – he’d been travelling with his four children and wife, Linda – Macca scored 10-days stay in a Tokyo prison. The Japan leg of the Wings tour was cancelled.
FANS of albums, prepare to boo-hoo as reports state that album sales in That America have dipped to the lowest levels since records began. We should point out we don’t mean ‘long playing records’, but rather, ‘people making a note of how many albums had been sold, which they started doing in 1991′.
‘Since records began’ is much catchier.
THE music streaming service, Spotify, now allows unlimited free listening. This is seen as a great step forward: the company’s technology is getting better, they’re getting better at selling ads and all that sort of stuff. This may or may not be the actual reason they’re lifting their previous limits though:
Spotify’s advertising engine and paid customer conversion funnel are finally working well enough that today it eliminated all limits on free, ad-supported web listening in all countries. It’s an important milestone for the scalability and sustainability of Spotify’s business that contrasts with other streaming music services like Ex.fm and Rdio that are stumbling or shutting down.
EUROVISION gives and gives. This season it’s given us A Belarussian entry by TEO. It’s called Cheesecake. The video is by Robin Thicke’s less saucy cousin.
RECENTLY, a few well-meaning New Yorkers stopped to check on a crying baby in an abandoned stroller and got seriously spooked when a hideous demonic baby shot straight up from beneath the blankets.
FACE of the Day: Susan Boyle is unveiled as chieftain of the pipe band event at the Bathgate Partnership Centre in Scotland. The singer will take up the post at the British Pipe Band Championship 2014.
TOO frequently, the world of entertainment is very willing to pat itself on the back and gush all over itself about just how wonderful it has been all year.
However, with the shade that is the grisly business of an industry awards ceremony, comes the light of someone simply blowing a raspberry at the whole thing and waggling their arses.
Did Somebody Drop His Mouse? Harry Nilsson And The Pensioners Sing ‘I’d Rather Be Dead Than Wet My Bed’