Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Osama Lufti ‘Drugged’ Britney Spears
A RESTRAINING order targeted at Britney Spears’ manager Sam Lutfi alleges that he controlled her.
In a section of the order that detailed previous harassment, Lynne Spears said “Mr. Lutfi drugged Britney, he has cut Britney’s home phone lines and removed her cell phone chargers. He yells at her. He claims to control everything—Britney’s business manager, her attorneys and the security guards at the gate.”
If you have to blame someone…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
The Spice Girls, An Apology
THEY really, really wanted to carry on – but didn’t:
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Kirsti Alley’s Planet
KIRSTIE Alley was interviewed in the Church of Scientology’s’s official magazine.
Alley, billed as a founding member of Scientology’s “Super Power Expansion Project,” says of its Florida summit last summer:
I’m walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of ‘mankind’ – it really irritated me! Then I realized why mankind upset me so much – it’s because I wasn’t taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I’ve made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I’m going to help this group and help this planet, and it’s real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this.”
Cheers!
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Anorak Celebrity Links: Dita Von Tees, Jolie, Farrell And Cole
Dita Von Teese on tight air – Just Jared
Angelina Jolie cures Middle East – Popsugar
Colin Farrell’s fags in Belgium – Huff Post
Britney’s mummy – Hollywood Rag
Love tips for Ashley Cole – Holy Moly!
Xtina’s foreskin balloons – DListed
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
What Colour Is Tom Jones?
WHAT colour is Tom Jones?
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)
I Spy Cosmetic Surgey: Mariah Carey Special
IT costs $150,000 to looks like Mariah Carey.
And, very possibly, a whole lot more not to.
The Enquirer looks at the chartreuse and with the use of “arrows”, “guesswork” and the I Spy Cosmetic Surgery spotters’ book, notices a number of adaptations to the Carey original.
“Botox forehead and frown lines,” says an arrow aimed at Carey’s taught forehead.
(10 points, spotters!)
“Nose job,” says another arrow (15 points). “Fat-grafted cheeks, chemical peels and fillers,” (5, 9 and 10 points) says the arrow angled towards Carey’s face, and wardrobes.
There is a “second breast enlargement” (16 points, pair of); “lipo on upper and lower abs” (22 points); lipo on “outer and inner thighs” (15 points).
“Lipo on waist and hips” (32.3 points, recurring).
Tot the lot up and it is pretty clear that Dr Tony Youn, whose work with arrows and guessology we are observing, is on the money.
Anorak spys a big career for Dr Tony at the Enquirer. And a chance to win Anorak’s Celebrity Expert award – a statuette fashioned into a wet, raised finger…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (2)
Britney Spears, It’s Terminal
“PSYCHO BRITNEY – THE END!
“BYE BYE BRIT,” says the Enquirer cheerily.
“As troubled pop tart is carted off to psycho ward, top doc says she is FINISHED”.
Britney Spears is “burned-out”.
It’s a “flame out”.
“The Britney we know is over.”
The end, death, finale and (looks at thesaurus), departure of Britney Spears continues for three pages, and very possibly in next week’s issue…
The end.
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (6)
Angelina Jolie Test Tube Travels
“ANGIE Test Tube TWINS!”
A look through the Geographical Institute and John Bartholomew’s 1953 tome ‘Regional Atlas of the World’ finds no mention of Test Tube, in any variant.
Is Angelina Jolie branching out to pastures unknown in her quest for new children? Is her pregnancy journey a voyage of discovery, literally?
Reading on in the National Enquirer, we discover that the twins were not conceived in the town of Test, Tube, nor Test Tube, rather in a laboratory.
In a land far, far away…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comment
Amy Winehouse Picks Up A Grammy
AMY Winehouse is looking “REFAB”.
Amy Winehouse is putting on a “defiant front” as she pours her bosom into a bra and forgets to say “when”.
Amy is pictured on her way to “meet officials” at the US embassy. Not for fizzy drinks and canapés designed to look like small burgers and cheese sticks. Winehouse needs a visa to travel to Los Angeles, where he is up for six Grammy Awards. She has set herself the challenge of securing the document.
No easy thing. The US frowns upon non-prescription drugs takers and Amy has a drug conviction, a souvenir from her time in Norway. Granted, taking drugs in Norway can be forgiven, it being one way to endure life in those chilly limes, but rules are rules.
So Amy “pops out of Rehab”, (Sun’s front page). “Breast of luck,” Amy,” says the paper.
If she gets the documents, Amy can go to America and turn her back on the UK.
We will then be treated to headlines about how Amy plans to CRACK the US market…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Javine’s Bum Does The Talking
SAYS pop star and Eurovision nipple flasher Javine: “I’ve put on 3st.”
News enough.
But there is more in Closer magazine.
Javine, pictured naked and in profile, holding her pregnant tum-tum as a celebrity mum must, says: “My bum’s got really big – it has its own personality.”
But can it write a book of children’s stories? There may be hope for Javine yet…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Figure Skates
PLANS to broadcast Dancing On Ice as Casualty LIVE! are well advanced.
The idea to put ice skates of celebrities, push them onto an ice rink and watch the cull was inspired, if not a little dark to film it and broadcast the highlights as family entertainment.
Plans to have the ice thinned and for celebrities to fall beneath it are as exciting as they are challenging.
But even the Circus Maximus can get a little samey, and the camera pans round to show Holly Willoughby dressed in a low-cut gown.
Give us a twirl, Holly, as Bruce Forsythe was wont to order the lovely Anthea Turner in more innocent times. But Holly is not one for turning. She faces forward. And the papers stare.
The Express says Holly’s dress is the main talking point on Dancing On Ice.
Vanessa Feltz says the dress is “an accident waiting to happen”. At any moment, Holly could spill forth and cause Suzanne Shaw (sliced scalp, fractured rib) to have a seizure.
“Golly, Holly,” says the Sun’s Fergus Shanahan. Holly is “saving the bust till last”.
And we look. And the ice runs red…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Heather Mills Stands Alone To Face Sir Paul
FEW who can remember when Heather Mills gave Judge Jeffries a bloody nose will be surprised by the headline: “HEATHER TO GRILL MACCA IN COURT.”
Some may worry at how this sits with Heather’s, as yet unconfirmed, role as special envoy to his Holiness the Pope. But if there is one thing a UN Goodwill Ambassador can do, it is to oil the body and grease the wheels of power.
So, as the Mirror reports, next week Heather will question her estranged husband Sir Paul McCartney across a room in London’s High Court.
Heather, representing herself, “is expected to repeat sensational allegations that the former Beatle was abusive and violent after drinking and drug binges”.
The encounter is billed as “no holds barred”, “not pretty” and “gloves off”.
The mental image is of Mills trying to smack McCartney about the head with a prosthetic limb, as Paul harks back to his Beatles pomp and bobbles his noggin like in those halcyon days when he dated Penny Lane.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Punch Drunk On Celebrity Mums, With Myleene Klass
SEE the new celebrity mum writing her range of children’s books.
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum at the shampoo counter, realising that the time is now for a range of organic children’s hair conditioner and bath plugs.
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum talking about the wonderful job midwives do.
That’s the way to do it!
See new celebrity mum Myleene Klass in the Mirror designing her range of baby clothes.
That’s the way to do it!
Hear Myleene say: “I have used my first-hand experience, with other mothers in mind, to help design a stunning variety of products.”
That’s the way to do it!
See the new celebrity mum buying Junior Gucci and Baby at Hardy Amies.
See the non-celebrity mum cashing in her family allowance…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Clash Of Cultures
THERE is a fine line between reverence and taking the rise.
Speaking in the Express, perennial Eurovision Song Contest entrant Dana, now a politician, recalls a meeting with The Clash.
Says Dana: “In the Seventies, I worked on a TV programme in Germany with The Clash. They ended up singing All Kinds of Everything to me and wrote, ‘The Clash loves Dana’ on their T-shirts.”
Punk historians may like to chip in at this point…
Posted: 5th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Rambo Inspires A Mayanmar Revolution
RAMBO leads Myamar to revolution:
Not satisfied with slugging it out with Myanmar’s military government on celluloid in his latest “Rambo” film, Sylvester Stallone wants to go there and confront the junta face-to-face over human rights.
Stallone, who said he was gearing up to make a fifth and final instalment in the blood-and-guts series, told Reuters that media reports of his film becoming a bootleg hit in the former Burma, and an inspiration to dissidents, was a pinnacle in his movie career.
“These incredibly brave people have found, kind of a voice, in a very odd way, in American cinema… They’ve actually used some of the film’s quotes as rallying points,” Stallone, 61, said in a telephone interview.
“That, to me, is the one of the proudest moments I’ve ever had in film.”
Adding a “mother fucker”, for poignancy…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Lily Allen Is A Cartoon Unionist
“LILY Allen To Become Trade Union Cartoon.”
Reading that, Anorak begins to see why Spitting Image would not cut it in today’s world, getting out of the satire game while such headlines were still flagged as parody.
This news of Lily Allen is, now, all too believable. The singer’s move into the two-dimensional world of Charlie Says, Fred Bassett and Pamela Anderson will be augmented by an animated Levellers, the Irish .
The cartoons will urge people across the UK to go on specialised training courses.
Liz Smith, Unionlearn’s director, the TUC’s skills body, says: “There has been a quiet revolution in the workplace, in which trade unions and union learning reps are helping to improve the workforce’s skills, which benefits employers, individuals, and the economy.”
All that remains is to decide who will provide Allen with her cartoon voice, the smart money being on Bob Crow, general secretary of the British trade union RMT doing an impression of Road Runner…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
A St Valentine’s Day Message, From Sir Cliff Richard
VALENTINE’S Day looms and with it Cliff Richard.
Fans of the singer are being offered the chance to secure a “personalised” message from the hip swinging corrupter of youth.
At a cost of “£7.99 plus delivery”, you can: “Treat your loved one to a personalised poster of Cliff with your own unique message in an exact digital copy of Cliff’s handwriting.”
Who dares to say Cliff does not move with the times, or in time?
How each message will be unique is unsaid.
Such are the large number of his fans, Cliff may soon have to be writing cheery messages in Norwegian and Latin, or else delving deep within and offering fans the chance to “Get Stuffed – Cliff”, and so on…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Britney Spears: Sex Tapes, Ballet And A Gun
BRITNEY Watch – Anorak’s look at Britney Spears in the news
METRO: “Britney burgled as family rows”
Britney’s parents Lynne and Jamie Spears called the police after discovering “intimate photos and other items” had gone missing from her house after she was sent to the UCLA Medical Center
How do mum and dad know about “intimate photos”?
GLASGOW HERALD: “Britney Spears ‘Held In Padded Room’”
“Reports in the US last night quoted a source close to the troubled singer’s family as saying: “Britney is in a padded room. Her family are so worried about her.” Britney, 26, had been in “involuntary psychiatric hold” for 72 hours when her stay was extended on doctors’ advice”
What news of Britney from the hospital?
SKY: “BRITNEY HOSPITAL NEWS”
She may remain in situ for 14 days; weather constant; food interesting; more to follow
THE SUN: “Britney’s mansion ‘robbed’”
And with all those police in attendance. Tsk!
DAILY STAR: “BANGED UP BRIT IN SEX FILM PANIC”
Britney’s “sex films have been stolen”
Says a “pal”: “Some of the things that may have been taken are dynamite. It’s doesn’t bear think about”. Or watch
DAILY MIRROR: “Britney’s 14 nights on ward”
What will become of the paprazzi? What will they do for 14 nights and days? Click here to look at the new LA sensation!
NEW YORK POST: Says singer Joss Stone: I feel bad for her; we all have issues”
THE GUARDIAN: Britney Spears – The Ballet
A piece you might care to keep an eye on, however, is Hubert Essakow’s Meltdown, about the travails of Britney Spears. At the time of writing, it was due to have its first airing last Friday as part of a Rambert workshop programme, and with a fair wind will make it into the company rep. Essakow, a former Royal Ballet soloist, was inspired by an article in Heat magazine.
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “As poor Britney Spears gets madder and madder, one thing haunts me. When last she was extracted from her house by Swat teams, the alert was initially raised by her husband Kevin Federline.”
He was worried she might harm the children with the.22 handgun he gave her for her birthday.
The mother of your infant children is a mentally unstable crystal-meth fiend: stumped for the ideal birthday pressie? It would take some doing to lose a child custody dispute to Britney Spears, but I think K-Fed has it in him.
The life and times of Britney Spears
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Victoria Beckham Helps Cheryl Cole
“CHERYL TAKES THE RAT BACK.”
The votes are in. The columnists have made their views known. GMTV and Trevor McDonald have been in states of high alert.
And now Cheryl Cole makes her move. She will give Ashley Cole one last chance not to get caught cheating on her, as has been alleged.
Mrs Cole (see tattoo) will warn her footballer: “If you break my heart again, that’s it.”
The Star, for which this is front-page news, is disbelieving. “SHOULD SHE TAKE HIM BACK?” it asks. Readers can vote “NO” or YES”.
But the decision has been made, and the ruling comes from a higher power. The Star says Her Poshness Victoria Beckham has told Cheryl: “Get your hair done, put on some make-up, treat yourself to a posh frock, then brave the world.”
Cheryl would seem to be ahead of the game. And might it be that this is less Victoria’s personalised tip than it is an insight into her working day?
Debate rages…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Vest In Show: Big Brother’s Kate Lawyer Underwear Pledge
BIG Brother Kate Lawler wants £20,000 to run the London Marathon in her underwear.
Says Lawler: “If I raise the money by April 13, I will definitely run the 26 miles in just my underwear.” As opposed to wearing what, a rhino suit?
The message is clear. If you want to see Kate running through London dressed in a vest and hot pants, hand over the cash.
And if you want to see Kate Lawler running through London in a vest and hot pants, don’t give her any money…
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Dancing On Ice: Holly Willoughby Distracts
MORE news from the celebrity cull show that is Dancing On Ice.
The Sun reports that Suzanne Shaw has cracked a rib. And this after her scalp was sliced open by a blade.
“She certainly is a fighter,” says presenter Holly Willoughby, that “dancing ice queen” who features on the Express front page by dint of her cleavage.
“All eyes” are on Willoughby, says the Express.
And that means we aren’t looking as Shaw is scraped off the ice and call to Kerry Katona is made…
Next!
Posted: 4th, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment
Perez Hilton On Hannah Montana’s Anus
SAYS the wannabe celebrity Perez Hilton: “HANNAH Montana is Her Face Is Tighter Than Hannah Montana’s Anus!”
That’s the headline.
Hannah Montana is a US TV show for children. It stars Miley Ray Cyrus (born Destiny Hope Cyrus on November 23, 1992).
Perez Hilton and single men living on caravan parks in Rhyl may enjoy the headline.
Others may not…
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
What Will Become Of Entertainment Without Britney Spears
BRITNEY Spears is staying at the Stewart & Lynda Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital at UCLA.
People magazine reports that she may be there for 14 days. “It is a terrible situation,” says a source close to the Spears family. “Britney is in a padded room. Her family is so worried about her.”
Terrible. Fourteen days with no car chases, police rescues or pictures of Britney breathing. What will the police do? But the paps and the entertainment hacks are not resting up.
Tabloid Baby is on Third Street Promenade, Santa Monica, California, looking at the kind of act that many are predicting will replace Britney…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Why Victoria Beckham Did It
SAYS Victoria Beckham in the News of the World: “I was very nervous about going back into the Spice Girls because I didn’t want to send out a confused message.”
Girl Power! The message is clear and shouty, surely?
“The reason I decided to do the tour was to show my kids that mummy was a pop star once.”
Anorak commends to Vicky’s attention YouTube, DVD machines and Top of The Pops 2.
Says Vicky: “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’m not in the music industry any more. I’m in the fashion industry.”
Look out for Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz being taken on live shopping expeditions, as Posh sets out to prove to them what mummy does…
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Nanny Becky Champions Jordan For Celebrity Mum Of The Year 2008
BECKY Gauld’s “shocking testimony SHATTERS” Jordan’s “Celebrity Mum Of The Year image—and reveals her as a self-obsessed prima donna who often puts her children’s needs second to her own.”
To win her top mum title, Jordan saw off the challenges of Jade Goody, Kate Moss and Heather Mills McCartney. She wrested the gong from the previous year’s winner, Sharon Osbourne, who took it from two-time winner Kerry Katona, who followed Ulrika Johnson through the golden baby gate.
Standards among celebrity mums are high. Those are hard acts to follow. Readers will hear of “JEALOUSY, BOOZE-FUELLED ROWS” and “BIZARRE SEX GAMES”. But we fear it all falls short of expectations.
Becky Champions Jordan
But here’s Becky, who was, it transpires, sacked in front of “millions on the star couple’s TV show ‘The Baby Diaries’ for taking a holiday”. (Millions of what is unsaid, but we should not rule out institutionalised patients, Peter Andre fans or celebrity nannies looking to pick up a tip.)
Becky, who won an industrial tribunal case for unfair dismissal, tells us:
“When she was named Celebrity Mum Of The Year by Grattan last year I laughed. Katie boasts that she and Peter take turns to cuddle the children at bedtime and read them a story—but I only saw Katie or Peter put the boys to bed about FOUR TIMES in the 18 months I worked for them.”
Four does not sound like a lot, but it may be enough to put Jordan in the frame for back-to-back celebrity mum titles.
Jordan’s Cup Spilleth Over
Becky goes on to tell us about the Andres’ treatment of Jordan’s son Harvey. We learn: “They would sometimes give him up to 20 packets of raisins a day.”
Later: “In a McDonalds Peter bought him 20 chicken nuggets and chips and brought them back to the car.”
No small portions, in Jordan’s house, as one might expect.
Jordan appears generous, a fan of junk food. But can she yet go further to retain her tile?
Says Becky, canvassing our support with gusto: “Harvey was at the stage where he loved learning new words and repeating them. I couldn’t believe it when I heard what both Peter and Katie were teaching him. They thought it was hilarious to get him to say f*** off. They were laughing, I was appalled.”
What chance Jordan aping the achievement of the celebrated Kerry Katona? The odds on Jordan being crowned Celebrity Mum of 2008 are shorter than an Australian singer in his socks…
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
