Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Kylie Minogue And Martinez Are Back-side Together
“KYLIE BACK WITH OLIVIER.”
So says the Sunday Mirror’s front-page headline.
Kylie Minogue is back dating her French actor Olivier Martinez.
Says columnists in all papers: “Great news. With her bottom and his bottom, imagine what bottoms their children will have.”
Bottoms crossed!
Posted: 3rd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Breaking Down With Britney Spears, By Osama Lufti
JAMIE Spears, father to Britney Spears, has been granted a civil restraining harassment order against Brit’s aide Sama ‘Osama’ Lutfi for 22 days.
Says Sam in UsWeekly: “Oh boy, her family is crazy! It’s funny because that’s what the doctors say when they meet the family. They always come back and say, ‘You know, [her problems] are inherited, right?’ It’s just so sad. It’s shared equally from both of her parents…
“They (Brit’s parents) show up to the house like hillbillies, texting me. I find out that they’re outside, and they go, ‘You better let me in the gate, you ass.’ So I go, to Britney, ‘Your parents are here, let them come in and yell at you and scream at you. If anything else goes on, I’ll throw you in my car and take you out of here.’ She said, ‘OK, fine, baby.’ I let them in. Instead of going to see how Britney is, they come bouncing through the doors. They scream at me, ‘Why the fuck are you talking to Barbara Walter!’ I swear to God that’s all they were saying.
“The dad pushed me in the chest and said, ‘Get the fuck out of here.’ The dad gave up and then the mom tried to talk to her, but Lynne was like, ‘I gotta get my beauty sleep, I gotta get my nails done, I gotta do my hair.’ It was just so sick. We made the mom stay…
“‘Britney, do you see why people think you are crazy? Look at your mother and look at your father.’”
Is everyone around Britney Spears experiencing meltdown?
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Heath Ledger: The Masseuse’s Police Tale
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Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Lily Allen’s Rider: Monster Munch, Madonna And Carey
THSOE Tours riders in full: Lily Allne, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Barbra Streisand, Beyonce, Elton John:
Lily Allen
Bottle of Jack Daniel’s whiskey.
Four bottles of champagne.
Twelve packets of Monster Munch (pickled onion flavour).
Puppy (nighttime only)
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Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comment
Grill Power: What’s Next For The Spice Girls
But they will be back.
Look out for:
Grill Power – Geri Halliwell’s Spice Grill cooking machine
Goal Power – Mel B’s Spice Goal football on a rope
Gill Power – Mel C’s Spice Gills swimming aid
Gale Power – Baby’s Spice Gale Anorak
Noooo!!! – Posh Spice’s latest single
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Why The Spice Girls Split
THESpiceGirls.com says:
IMPORTANT TOUR ANNOUNCEMENT
Sadly the tour needs to come to an end by the end of February due to family and personal commitments for Emma, Geri, Mel B, Melanie C and Victoria. It was announced in June that, as well as the Europe and the US, the girls planned to visit Australia, China, South Africa and Argentina. Due to the phenomenal demand for tickets in the UK and the US along with the touring logistics for such a massive production it was not possible to fit everything in. As the girls return to normal family life and the kids go back to school they are reviewing all the options, who knows what the future might bring!
The girls said: “We’ve had such an amazing time over the last 3 months. It’s been incredible being back together and seeing our fans again. We want to thank everyone who came to see us. It was all so mad the first time round, so we’ve really been able to appreciate it properly this time. There have been so many highlights and good times that we know it will be hard to be apart after Toronto. Really sorry if we didn’t get to see you this time round. We all have other commitments in our lives now but who knows what will happen next.”
THUNDERS the Mirror’s front-page headline: “SPICE SPLIT – tour scrapped after furious bust ups”
Says the paper POLLY ‘Filler’ HUDSON: THIS has literally been the worst week ever. We’ve endured the horror of Tweedy-Gate, the shock of Britney-Gate and now we’ve suddenly got Spice-Gate to contend with too. Sheesh!”
BUT their story is not yet complete, and we look forard to the Spices appearing on TV chatshows to tells us how they broke the mould – before the Spice Girls: a) bands could sing and not dance; b) dance and not sing; c) play musical instruments – but never had the world seen a top act that could do d) none of the above…
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
LA Calls For Britney Spears Personal Safety Zone
SAYS Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine: “I don’t want a repeat of what happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in Los Angeles.”
What happened to Princess Diana with a celebrity in LA? Does Paul Burrell know? Will the controversy never end?
Mr Zine goes on: “We had to have 12 officers escort [Spears] to the hospital that if not for paparazzi would have been used to prevent crime somewhere else.”
The argument for the escort is to protect the public from “dangers posed by the horde of celebrity photographers pursuing the pop star”. Zine says paparazzi are increasingly endangering celebrities and bystanders with their aggressive behavior and car pursuits. The city needs 12 officers in cars and helicopters to calm the situation.
Of course, if so many police are available to protect Britney Spears and Angelinos from photographers, might it mean that they were not too busy protecting them from murderers, thieves and processing criminals? Or are snappers the sink of all humanity?
“It is a major issue we have to address. We are in a celebrity town,” says Zine. “Celebrities have a right to live in peace and freedom.”
Police Chief William J. Bratton sheds light on the matter by saying Spears is “certainly in great need of assistance”. Such is the celebrity police.
The solution put forward by Zine is not for more crime, meaning less available officers, rather for a minimum “personal safety zone” around individuals targeted by the media. He suggests a zone of clear space in order to protect public safety on streets, sidewalks and at access points to emergency care facilities and private businesses and homes.
It is a cracking idea. We look forward to it being implemented, and Spears walking down a street in the centre of a protective mobile police cordon*.
“Nothing to see here, folks”, say the cops, their keen eyes looking not in at the celebrity in their midst, rather out, scouring the scene for photographers and other nefarious forces…
* Police officers are encouraged to get an agent and enunciate.
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family | Comment
Michael Jackson’s Children Revealed
IT’S been a tough few years for Michael Jackson tribute acts.
It’s hard to know what the great man looks like, and to date Anorak has seen a 30stone Michael Jackson, a one-legged Chinese Michael Jackson and 3ft-tall female Michael Jackson.
All claim to be just like the real Michael Jackson. And all might well be right. Sadly some of their audience recall Jackson in his pomp and demand that he resemble a ten-year-old boy, a melting waxwork or a werewolf.
Now, though, we can get an idea of what Jackson looks like by studying his nippers. That’s them in the accompanying picture, star turns of the Mail’s expose.
Anyone who saw Michael Jackson, the 6ft Icelandic version during her tour of Dorset last year, will spot the children’s clear likeness to their dad.
It is uncanny…
Posted: 2nd, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Tom Cruise And Hillary Clinton
TOM Cruise And Hillary Clinton are the dream ticket:
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment
In Space You Can Hear Paul McCartney And The Beatles
“SEND my love to the aliens,” Paul McCartney tells NASA. “All the best, Paul.”
NASA is to broadcast The Beatles’ song Across the Universe across the galaxy to Polaris, the North Star.
Anyone confused as to the point of this should know that is celebrates the 40th anniversary of the song, the 45th anniversary of NASA’s Deep Space Network and the 50th anniversary of NASA.
The idea was Martin Lewis’s, a Los Angeles-based Beatles historian.
Were Lewis a fan of the Monkees, aliens could be bobbling their heads to Daydream Believer, or what about The Letter by Box Tops, or Incense and Peppermints from the timeless Strawberry Alarm Clock?
Far out, as Tony Blackburn would say, and is probably still saying it in a galaxy, far, far away.
The one surprise is not that the overrated Beatles and a tired tune should be inflicted on the aliens, but that Sir Paul has not yet been elevated to a senior figure in the space movement, if not the head of Nasa.
With Mr G9 (Bono) the leading authority on world economic issues, Elton John an expert on burial rites and Sting a consultant on almost everything else, Sir Paul’s experience of space should be used to the full.
Can he attached to rocket and fired into the darkness? If anyone is to meet the alien head bobblers head on, Anorak can think of no more suitable person than Sir Paul…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)
Jennifer Lopez’s Max And Emme
NEWS that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with twins conjures up an image of the singer sat up bed cradling two pair of buttocks.
Her expression is unmoved, having mistakenly cried out for “Botox” in the throes of labour and not “Buttocks”. She is, though, said to be delighted.
The other news is that Lopez is going to the hospital equipped with a four pastel-coloured couture hospital gowns and a coordinating drawstring robe from a range by Hollywood Curtains…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Do The Itch With Cheryl Cole
WHAT began as a joke is now turning into fact.
In Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s 18-Month Itch, Anorak highlighted the singer’s Itch Away The XTra Inch DVD workout. We noted that scientists at the Michigan School of Dieting And Scratchology say itching can burn off more calories than sex.
Now the Express reports: “Why we itch to have a scratch.”
Researchers in North Carolina, led by Dr Gil Yosipovitch, have found that “parts of the brain linked to people’s bad emotions and memories become less active while scratching”.
Cheyl is itching. We are itching. And very soon you will be, too…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Looking Down At Britney Spears
BRITNEY Spears is on the cover of the Sun and the Mirror.
No longer the doe-faced schoolgirl, Britney is pictured looking like a cross between John Redwood and Lisa Marie Presley.
“THE ABYSS,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. But Britney is not sinking. Britney Spears is front-page news. Drop the Cheryl Cole story, Britney has been taken to hospital.
More pictures of Spears inside the Mirror. She’s wearing a pink wig and holding a case of the Red Bull restorative. The Sun says Spears drinks 20 cans of the stimulating fizz a day. After this advert, she will never have to buy another one as the drink makers send her them by the lorryload.
Celebrity sells. Muck, brass and pop.
“Do you have a story about a showbiz star,” asks the paper.” It could be worth good money.”
We wonder about that 1984 meeting with John Inman and the time we saw Dave Lee Travis in the Bournemouth branch of Boots. And celebrity agents discover that their charges are addicted to Mercedes Benz cars and Jaffa Cakes…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
George Clooney Is Phil Tuffnell
DEAR Anorak,
George Clooney is in Darfur. Clooney is a U.N. messenger of peace, part of the move away from politicans to celebrities who can cure injustices without the need for details and a popular vote, although the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences do make their thoughts known.
A picture of Clooney with the poor shows a man looking not unlike Phil Tuffnell, cat-like England cricketer and champion for Indian rhinos. Are they related?
And are there any more like them at home?
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Jeremy Beadle Spotted
JEREMY Beadle is in the Mirror. “We were Beadled,” says the headline.
It’s a collection of Beadle’s “victims”.
“He was just out of this world,” says the Star.
Have you spotted the nation’s “arch prankster”?
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse’s Black Lolly
AMY Winehouse has gone “back to blackcurrant”.
Students of the Mirror’s Celebrity Cocaine masterclass may titter or become confused at the sight of Winehouse pushing a straw into her mouth.
The paper that successfully employed pictures of Kate Moss in a recording studio to train readers in how to take cocaine (although Moss might have been), and so spare us any embarrassment at showbiz get togethers, now delivers its Winehouse shocker.*
The other end of the Winehouse’s straw is secured in a carton of strawberry-flavoured Ribena. Has Winehouse poured the more daring headline-making blackcurrant cordial into a strawberry container to prevent detection?
The Mirror’s 3am Girls (“GOSSIP GONE TOXIC”) say Winehouse is partial to a Ribena lolly.
No lolly is featured. Although readers keen to see one can search the web for “Anthea Turner mivvy”, and begin to form an impressson of the thing.
“We had hoped that Amy Winehouse has given up her addictions once and for all. The blackcurrant flavouring might turn your lips charcoal, and you’ll get a blinding 10-second headache…but we’d rather she sucked on them than a crack pipe any day of the week.”
Even on a slow news day. “Phew” say the girls.
Pheweee!
* You can snort Ribena, but it may go down the wrong hole
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Chanelle Hayes Tastes Like She Looks
BY now you will wondering how Chanelle Hayes is getting on.
Chanelle..? Chanelle Hayes? How about Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes..?
Chanelle is making front-page news on account of her having changed her hair colour from a lighter brown to a darker brown.
Says Chanelle in the Star: “I fancied a change.”
Hence the new dark brown hair? “Chocolate brown,” says Chanelle. Hence the new chocolate brown hair, Chanelle?
“I get itchy ears,” says Chanelle, “so I love licking my hair and putitng it into my ear. It feels nice!”
And tastes better if it looks like chocolate…
Posted: 1st, February 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ode To Britney Spears, A Poem By Rosie O’Donnell
BRITNEY Spears, A Poem By Rosie O’Donnell (Hullo clouds, hullo sky…):
Britney Spears,
Has been around for years
Hanging out with unsavoury groups
Being famous for saying “Oops” – Anorak
Writes Rosie O’Donnell (do read it all):
ferrets
the search for excellence
a film by mark lewis
i need 2 know him
here is the crime and confusion
4 all involved
the illusion of connectedness
six degrees
this artist man stranger
gets it
my desire to move in closer
is huge
tony kushner
we have been in rooms 2 gether
miles apart
fame imposed – my own lack of belief
the old man at the beach
listening for the beep
waving a silver disc
its here
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Los Angeles Celebrity Police Escort Britney Spears To Hospital
THE UK’s celebrity police force will have noticed that Britney Spears has been removed from her home by ambulance and escorted to a hospital by more than a dozen police officers, featuring motorcycles and cruisers.
Two police helcopters hover overhead.
The LA Times reports that “the motorcade that whisked Spears to the hospital also showed a large investment in resources. The line of emergency vehicles stretched longer than a football field.”
A Los Angeles police officer tells us that Britney was being taken to “get help”. The Los Angeles police act as Spears’ spokespersons.
The Daily Mail notes: “It appears the operation had been in planning for a number of days and vehicles were blocked from following the same route as the emergency services convoy, which included 30 police cars and several police motorbikes.”
Back home, police look out for Pete Doherty in a car, Amy Winehouse in a state and Kate Moss in something that doesn’t clash with navy blue, or make their bums look big…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Victoria Beckham Tattoo Contest
WE’RE thinking of giving away a prize to anyone who knows what Victoria Beckham’s new tattoo says or is a picture of.
Any ideas?
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (15)
David Beckham Inkling Of Posh
“BECKS has a new girl on his arm..” announces the Mirror.
No, it not Cheryl Cole. It’s “HIS MISSUS”.
Readers get to see a picture of topless Beckham stood on beach. Down one arm are gangster tattoos. On the other is a picture of a topless Victoria Beckham in Betty Boo pose with “VICKY” running through a arrow to her heart.
Well, not quite. Although it might be because even equipped with an arrow, what occurs on Beckham’s left arm looks more like a fungal infection than a tattoo of any deliberate design.
The Mirror, however, it adamant that what we gazing upon is a rendering of Day-vid’s favourite picture of his wife, that one in which she sits on a chair and pouts. You may have seen it.
But it’s a bit tricky to see it on Beckham’s arm. Unless, of course, Victoria has become a two-dimensional black outline, in which instance, the likeness is spot on…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Selma Blair On Tom Cruise And High Heels
CELEBRITY quote of the day comes from Selma Blair.
“I had long hair for a while, almost down to my waist. But I wanted to go back to my Tom Cruise cut. So I told my hairdresser to shave the back and leave the front long.
“Then someone thought I was Tom from the back. I guess I had better wear high heels.”
To complete the impersonation, right?
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jeremy Beadle Is Not Dead
JEREMY Beadle is dead?
The Sun says so on its front page. It must be true? Mustn’t it? “KING OF PRANKS DIES,” announces the headline. “Beadle’s not about.”
The Anorak presses the picture of Beadle, expexting to hear the “Wha-ha-ha-hey!!!” of a laughing bag tucked beneath, or be sprayed with a jet to water.
To celebrate the passing of a man celebrated over two more pages – “Nation mourns TV joker”; “telly”s ‘uiltimate joker'” – the Sun fail to offer each of its readers a free stink bomb, plasticated dog turd or pepper sweet. This is hard to forgive.
But might it be that Beadle is not yet dead, but ready to pop out of a box on Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal and donate a £1 to charity for each word written about him in obituary?
Such an impression is only aided by the sound of Edmonds saying: “I’m so shocked – I didn’t realise he was so ill.”
Cue surely for a knock at the door and a bearded man dressed in a polcieman’s hemlet to step forward and ask Edmonds to accompany him down to the station. “Why?” asks Edmonds. “Because I’m lost,” says the policeman.
Of course, as a prankster, the comeback from the dead would be nothing so gentle. Pranks rely on a victim. It was Mel Brooks who said: “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”
But he is dead. Really he is. There’s his tombstone. We bend down to read the small inscription thereone.
“KICK ME,” its says. And the sound of heavy boots on gravel can be heard approaching from the rear…
Posted: 31st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Cupping An Ear To Russell Brand’s Wooden Wee
NEWS that Russell Brand has urinated in a paper cup while broadcasing his show on BBC Radio 2 is of interest.
Brand is the Star’s “RADIO PEE-JAY”, standing up before relieving himself into a cup. The one arena of doubt is on whether this happening
occured live or was a prerecorded wee?
But how can we be so certain what was heard was the sound of a man weeing into a cup, and one made of paper?
Rather than this being the passing of a cultural milestone, a Where Were You When..? moment, it harks back to a more innocent time, when
ventriloquists were on the radio, on occassion in conversation with lip readers.
Brand is no less the “Wildman” of radio (Sun) than he is the new Lord Charles, with Orville’s backcombed hair and an emu down his pants.
For his next broadcast we expect to see Brand with Archie Andrews sat on his arm, educating listeners on life, love and which has the chattiest
tinky winky…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (8)
Jeremy Edwards Arrested And The Meaning Of Hunk
GOOD news in the Sun that Jeremy Edwards has been arrested “after being caught with cocaine in an area norotous for dealers and hookers”.
Mr Edwards, who presents Cooking The Books on Five – amateur chefs are encouraged to gril, boil and fry cooking books – was in Barbados when drama hit.
Those au fait with drugs, and whohave seen the Sun’s How To videos, may wonder why Mr Edwards should travel to the Carribean to fetch some of the drug, as is alleged, when the streets of the UK are snowed under with the stuff? Was it part of a follow up to reformed pop star Alex James’ Colombian adventure?
The answer to it all comes via the Sun, which says Mr Edwards was on holiday at the time of his arrest. And this brings us to the good news.
Jeremy Edwards is billed as a “TV hunk”. A picture of Edwards shows that “hunk” is now a term that embraces men carrying a bit of timber, dressed in voluminous surf shorts and looking pensive.
The Anorak will spend the remainder of the day being known as The Daily Hunk. Old Mr Anorak, our patron, is delighted and feels 73 again…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
