Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Jordan Names Her Price
NO sooner does Katie Price retire her gargantuan Jordans than her sister Sophie enters the family business.
Sophie, 18, wears a pair of black and red knickers with “TEASE ME” written the front. The bra top well might match but the legend is split by the Sophie cleavage and all we can read is “TEAS”.
Were Sophie to turn around, she may well advertise “BUNS” across her posterior and “CRISPS” on the elastic.
If Sophie is to keep the Price firm aloft in a tough economic climate, she may need a bigger banner, something that can stretch to TEAS, COFFEES, SODAS, MILK & FREE DELIVERY FOR ORDERS OVER £20.
She may well have need of those JORDANS…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Deconstructing Britney Spears: Media Studies
BRITNEY Spears is sitting on a low wall.
Britney Spears is wearing a Tommy Trinder-style trilby hat, an anorak and a small Yorkshire Terrier.
Britney Tears (Mail) is wearing a pair of denim hotpants (not visble) and a “fedora hat” (back to hat class for the Mail).
Britney Spears says: “I’m fine. I’m sitting for once and having a nice time with my dog.”
Britney Spears is suffering from “mental issues”, suggest Barbara Walters on The View TV show.
Britney Spears’s agent Sam Lufti told Barabra Walters that Britney was starting “some kind of treatment”.
Britney Spears’ dog is called London.
Britney Spears is not alone. Kylie Minogue says she can help her.
Discuss. Debate. And contrast.
And in 300 words or less tell us what you think Britney Spears is doing, and what she should do next…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Chery Cole And Ashley Walk The Talk
“CHERYL WALKS,” announces the Mirror’s front page.
Nothing epitomses Cheryl Cole’s career to date so much as her departure, and the Sun leads with news that she walks and talks.
But these are early days in a celebrity career. And it turns out that Cheryl does her walking by car and allows her agent to talk on her behalf. He tells us: “They are definitely still together. There is obviously lots of stuff going on at the moment and Cheryl has gone away for a break to clear her head for a few days.”
Readers may wonder if Ashley Cole is to carry on playing football for Chelsea by electing a paid representative to kick balls for him, leaving him free to engage in more meaningful pursuits and further enjoy his elevated status?
But if Cheryl and Ashley aren’t doing much – although the papers say the singer (that’s her) spent yeasterday sobbing – others are happy to talk on their behalf.
GMTV viewers were yesterday treated to the sight of Lizzie Cundy, wife of former Spurs footballer Jason Cundy, wailing against kiss ‘n’ tell girls. She was going chest-to-chest with the penumatic Alicia Douvall, who blasted “cheating rat” Ashley. The debate became heated and Douvall poured tea over Cundy.
That is how much Cheryl and Ashley mean to us. And if Cheryl is still undecided what to do next, the columnists are happy to chip in.
“You always said you’d dump him Cheryl…so do it,” says Jane Moore in the Sun. Moore recalls Cheryl making the prediction that if her man cheated, the marriage was “kaput, finito, sooo over”.
As any good columnist and nodding head knows, you have to stand by your forecasts, or else hope they are forgotten in the welter of news.
“Only she can decide whether its worth hanging on to her flawed marriage,” says the Mirror’s Sue Carroll. Should Cheryl dump that “chancer” Cole? Up to you, Cheryl, the “Crown Princess of Wags” (Allison Pearson, Mail).
Moore’s colleague Polly Hudson is not so circumspect. “At last I can say the words I’ve been dying to since last Friday,” says Polly. “HAPPY WEDNESDAY!” Or rather, “YAY CHERYL… It can’t have been easy to face the fact Prince charming is nothing but a slimy toad with a ‘not very big’ appendage.”
But now the facts have been faced, Cheryl can make her move. She can walk. She was talk. And one day, when the healing is done, she will be ready to do both at once…
Posted: 30th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Dancing On Ice, The Celebrity Cull
ANOTHER victim in the Dancing On Ice celebrity cull as Christopher Dean pulls up for surgery.
The fallen, tripped and slammed:
Underwood, Michael (broken ankle)
Lusardi, Linda (hairline fracture)
Shaw, Suzanne (scalp sliced open)
Anthea’s Law of Diminishing Celebrity states that the coefficient of the Katona should not overarch the Jordan to the power of Edmonds lest the sum should equate to less than zero.
The cull is underway…
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Celebrity Headline Of The Day, On Danielle Lloyd
JERMAIN Defoe is the “grovelling football star” telling mo-del Danielle Lloyd he has never cheated on her.
Things have been said about Jermain’s romantic life. And again.
And the headline: “My J would never do naked handstands.”
Says Danielle, dresed in bubbles and skin Jermain can shave in: “I don’t know why some people would do this to. First us, then poor Cherly and Ashley Cole.”
A lack of class, we imagine…
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities | Comments (2)
Cheryl Cole Gives Ashley Her Rules Of The Game
LET’S have a heated debate about Cheryl Cole, wife to Ashley Cole.
The Star says Cheryl wants to speak with Aimee Walton, the hairdresser who claims to have slept with the vomitous footballer.
Chances are any meeting will be captured on a camera phone.
Cheryl may also care to meet with Brooke Healey, a glamour model, who tells the Sun of Ashley: “He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool…Luckily I didn’t get pregnant – but for weeks I was worried I might be.”
Cheryl may care to meet with both women and in Cheryl Cole Meets… invite fans to suggest questions via a website. The three can then talk about how none of them have been impregnated by Cole and if athletic support wear is safe.
Rules Of Engagement
Over in the Mirror, readers learn of Cheryl’s “five rules for cheating Ashley”. No, not that Ashley must not get caught, although that may well be the Golden Rule.
CASHLEY MUST:
1. “Produce at least one romantic gesture every fortnight” – and if he can produce camera phone footage as proof, so much the better2. Spend more ‘quality time’ with me – and less time on the computer and his PlayStation” – euphemisms, perhaps, for Walton and Healey, although in which order is uncertain
3. Stay away from your male friend – or anyone likely to lead you “astray” – Ashley Cole is as straight as they come
4. Keep in constant contact so “I can keep track on where you are” – A satnav device implanted into Ashley’s jockstrap will suffice
5. “Avoid alcohol and big nights out for the next two months” – Detox
But the Mirror’s Polly Hudson has just one rule: “Don’t let me down, Cherly..ditch him.”
This is Polly’s “URGENT MESSAGE FOR MRS COLE”. She concludes her editorial: “Take a deep breath, be brave and show that disloyal loser the door. Make us all proud again. Please.”
A nation waits…
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Blur, Blur, Blur: Alex James Talks Bananas And Cocaine
WRITES Alex James, formerly of the band Blur: “In the UK cocaine goes hand in hand with champagne, yoga and organic vegetables. It enjoys an exclusive upmarket cachet.”
Says James: “Actually you might as well eat live engendered monkeys while wearing a blindfold and firing an automatic machine gun as take cocaine.”
Celebrities are always looking for the next big thing and may care to take James up on his offer.
Others will customise the trend and eat an Uzi while blindfolding the last of a monkey breed. But such is the way in the creative industries.
James, who has taken cocaine and is now a reformed cocaine taker, tells us: “Farmers have trouble selling their bananas to Europe but we happily buy cocaine.”
The tabloid press has yet to produce grainy images of a celebrity snorting bananas. But if James can show us how, the demand and price for bananas will rocket and everyone will be deliriously happy…
Alex James is a cheese farmer
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
If The Amy Winehouse Name Misfits: Life And Rhymes
VERY few words rhyme with Amy Winehouse.
Mouse. Louse. Grouse. Spouse. If pronounced in upper class “Wine-hARse”, the possibility for more rhymes opens up.
Or if the emphasis placed on the final ‘e’ to give Winehous-e, pretty much every word in the dictionary can be similarly altered, although the risk of sounding like Stanley Unwin is acute.
It is much the same for David Beckham and Jonny Wilkinson, for whom there are only limited rhymes. Becks offered alternatives with his “Bend It Like…” franchise and Becks nickname. Wilkinson is always Wilkinson and for such reasons has never been immortalised in rhyme, nor tight white under-kecks.
Happily, Winehouse once sang a song in which she repeated her decision not to go to rehab three times. She has now been to rehab twice, and is currently residing in the Capio Nightingale hospital, London.
The Sun looks in and sees that Winehouse is watching films – Some Like It Hot, The Misfits and the Seven Year Itch.
The headline, and with it the story is: “THEY OFFERED ME SOME FILMS IN REHAB I SAID….Monroe-roe-roe!”
Tomorrow Sun writers press F9 on their keyboards and come up with another Winehouse exclusive…
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted: 29th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
The End Of Kabbalah’s Genesis
THE death of a trend is often heralded by its getting a mention on the six o’clock news, Noel Edmonds using its buzzwords or its name being installed as an official new word in the OED.
Kabbalah is a trend. And rumours are that it is not so trendy.
Anthea Turner never did take the string but Madonna did. Posh ‘n’ Becks did. Britney did. Hollywood actors Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore did.
But things might have changed. “Ashton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,” says a source with links to the Kabbalah Centre in L.A. But now we learn that has been “months” since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services.
“It’s just odd,” says the source with ties to the Centre, “something must be up.”
Perhaps the couple have tired of the new religion. Or just got very good at it and are now operating as secular Kabbalalites?
If they can feel guilty about it, or have a family row over dinner, Kabbalah may yet beat Scientology to achieving popular acceptance as a bona fide religion…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Heath Ledger Was Killed By Manhattan
HEATH Ledger lived in New York. He died there, too:
The city that likes to think of itself as blasé about the many stellar presences shining in its midst is anything but. It must be written into the New York estate agent code of practice that they inform potential buyers or renters as soon as possible of any celebrity infestation in the area…
The Anorak once stood in a New York shop next to Jennifer Lopez and can only recall how short she was. There is fun to be had in spotting a celebroty. Of course, we do not all live in New York. Celebrities spotted around Anroak Towers feature Rusty Lee, the 1980s Ainsley Harriott, Page 3 stunna Nichola McLean, a footballer named “Smudger” by people who recognise him and the one not called Noel from Hear’Say.
And if stars help to define an area, some believe the reverse can also be true. Ledger’s death has been spun in some parts of the local press as a sort of morality tale, his two-mile move across the East River laden with symbolism. Old pictures were dug out of him out in the Brooklyn sunshine with pushchair and baby, a challenge to subsequent reports of late nights partying with models and Olsen twins after he’d split up with his fiancée and moved to the wicked big city.
Killed by Perth. And now offed by Manahttan. Which city really did for Heath Ledger..?
Westboro Baptist Church To Picket Heath Ledger’s Funeral
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (3)
Playing Home And Away With Ashley Cole And Cheryl
WHAT happens next in the lives of Cheryl and Ashley Cole may depend on what newspaper the Girls Aloud singer (that’s Cheryl) picks up first.
The Daily Star leads with “CHERYL – I’ve forgiven Ashley”. Says Cheryl: “Ashley’s a wonderful husband and we are in love. I won’t let this woman destroy our marriage.”
“DUMP HIM,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “Family tell Cheryl: Ditch cheat Ashley.”
Says a “family member: “If all this turns out to be true, where does that leave Cheryl? Married to a man who cannot be trusted.”
Question asked. Question answered.
There’s a word in the Mirror from Cassie Sumner, who once dated Chelsea midfielder Michael Essien. Cassie is known to tens of you as the manager/owner/stacker of TV’s Wags Boutique.
Says she: “Whether or not Ashley slept with this girl, the fact that he ended up alone with her in a bedroom is a betrayal in itself.” She ends with the from-one-Wag-to-another-Wag advice “kick him out – Love Cassie”.
Cheryl may now be in quandary. Everyone has only her best interests at heart. A deciding vote is needed. And it might come via the Sun’s front page: “EXCLUSIVE WHAT COLE’S PEOPLE TOLD BLONDE HE BEDDED – If you’re pregnant, we’ll fix it.”
So concerned was Aimee about being pregnant that she shared her fears with Cole and arranged a meeting to discuss matters, taking along a friend and a tape reorder. Interestingly: “The pregnancy scare turned out to be a false alarm.”
But as opinions for of Aimee, here’s Brooke Healy to say that she too slept with Cole and was given £6,000 to keep quiet. Whether or not she is now required to repay the money is not enlarged upon. The Sun’s Page 3 girl, Nikkala, is “deeply disappointed” with “love-rat Ashley”.
The tin lid is put on the Sun’s advice when we read that a “MASSIVE” 83 per cent of Sun readers called in and told Cheryl that she should dump Ashley.
But what will Cheryl do? Who does she listen to? Who has her best interests at heart: The Sun, The Mirror or the Star? Or should she wait and see what OK! has to offer?
Aimee Helps Poor Cheryl Cole Understand Sick, Cheating Ashley
Cheryl Tweedy & Ashley Cole’s Wedding
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Tony Parsons On Heath Ledger And The Meaning Of Tragic
In “IT BROKE MY HEART”, the Mirror’s Tony Parsons manages to combine Heath Ledger’s death and the actions of Le Rogue Trader Jerome Kerviel.
“It makes me laugh to read that the French trader who lost £3.6billion for Societe Generale was driven by two tragedies – splitting up with his wife and the death of his father,” says Parsons, laughing.
Tony is capturing the synergy between the showbiz press and the world of high finance. It take a columnist to spot links in what you or I may see as a non-sequitur. It’s what makes him a legend in Fleet Street.
Parson notes: “Splitting up with someone is not a tragedy. Nor is burying a parent when you are in your 30s a tragedy. These are the knocks we all suffer in everyday life. Calling them tragedies is overkill.
“Look at the faces of Heath Ledger’s devastated parents – burying your child is a tragedy.
“Think about Heath Ledger’s two-year-old daughter Matilda – that little girl never knowing her father is a tragedy.”
Tragic stuff…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Toff Shop: Kate Moss And Princess Beatrice Go Shopping
WE no longer keep up with the Royal Family, but seek to be their betters.
A survey of what Anorak’s typing pool knows of Her Majesty reveals that she keeps breakfast cereals in Tupperware boxes, enjoys Kirsty’s Home Videos on the telly and manages racing pigeons.
The Queen is, of course, so afar above us that she has no need to care. While OK! celebrities plump the cushions and wear suits shiny enough to shave in, Royals slum it in cords and Wellington boots.
Thoughts turn to such matters as we read in the Star that Princess Beatrice is to go shopping with Kate Moss. The shopping spree will happen in New York, where many Britons head in search of a bargain.
The royal PR campaign to make the Family seem normal continues unabated, not derailed by Prince Edward’s business failings, Prince Harry’s non-combatant Army role and Prince Andrew’s golf tour.
Says a source: “Shopping with style icon Kate is a dream come true…She is already excited about mixing vintage, second hand stuff with High Street labels and designer gear.”
To complete the common look, and burnish Bea’s street cred, the Windsor is said to have asked Kate for security advice. “Kate has recommended two female protection officers who she knows well.”
They’ll be the ones in classic black..
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Pete Doherty To Open Pet Zoo
FOLLOWING news of the world’s worst museum, we tell you of the world’s worst zoo: Pete Doherty’s World Of Animals.
The Star reports that Doherty (“Pet Doherty”) has to date collected a three-legged hedgehog, a rat with no tail and “lots of kittens”.
These kittens may be related to the cat Pete appeared to be encouraging to smoke crack cocaine.
A source says that Pete “hopes that by the end of the year he will be able to open his pet rescue centre at Marlborough to local schools so they can educate children about animals”.
But don’t all rush just yet. Schools should only book the outing once Pete has caught the Daddy Long Legs with the broken leg and ‘Slippy’ the silverfish…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
What Richard & Judy Aren’t Wearing
VIEWERS of the Richard & Judy television show now know that Richard Madeley feels “incredibly hot” in his underwear.
This hotness is not a euphemism for sexual excitement, rather a genuine heat. It is something that Richard says explains his preference for not wearing underwear.
Richard, it turns out, likes the “freedom and feel of air”.
Unlike the Mirror, which brings this news to our attention, Anorak recalls the moment when Richard’s wife, the fragrant Judy, appeared on stage at a TV AGM and fell out of her top.
Might it be that hot underwear is contagious and Richard and Judy’s shared interests extend beyond televised discussions on potholes, Britain’s balance of trade and if pubic hair can be knitted…
Posted: 28th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears’ Voicemail
ADNAN Ghalib kept Britney Spears’ voicemails because he just wanted to hear her voice when she wasn’t around.
You can hear them on this video. Keep playing them until you next hook up.
He’s in interview.
Nodding Head: What about her British accent?
AG: “It’s no different to you deciding if you’re going to wear your hair up or down.”
NH: Is she the new Princess Diana? There are similarties. Britney is chased by the paparazzi..:
AG: “Or dating an Arab”. Ghalib is of Pakistani stock? From El Birmingham…
NH: Did Britney pick up the British accent from you?
AG: “I think so… Yes”
Adnan is from Birmingham, Brit-nay sounds like a BBC newsreader in 1973. Her clipped phrases and lengthened vowels are an anachronism.
Britney with her modern name, tattoos and location-named children should note that
“wicked” and not “splendid ” is the norm, so too for “y’alrite” (“how do you do?”) and “nob end” (“gentleman caller”, voicemailer)…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Blake’s Media Medium For ‘Dead’ Amy Winehouse
THE jailed husband of junkie singer Amy Winehouse has warned her: “Quit smoking crack or you’ll be dead in three months.”
Blake Fielder-Civil, Mr Amy Winehouse, is talking to the News of the World from his digs inside Pentonville prison.
Says Blake: “Every day I fear the prison chaplain is going to walk into my cell and break the news that Amy is dead.”
Readers may wonder how Blake, awaiting trial over allegations of trial-fixing and GBH, has managed to save up enough phone card credits to call the tabloid press, or if they have called him on secret mobile phone.
It turns out that Blake is speaking not directly to the papers but through his “devoted mum Georgette”.
Channelling Blake
Mum’s eyes roll back into her skull as she channels her misled son. Says Blake:
“My parents have both pleaded with me to divorce Amy and I told her so before she finally agreed to go in for treatment. They think she’s the Black Widow who will be the death of me if I don’t end our marriage. But I’d prefer to have a short life with Amy than a long life without her.”
This is, of course, not mum talking but her boy. Georgette is not like Amy’s mum, who wrote a letter to her daughter and then posted it to the tabloids. Georgette know how to communicate with her child.
A voice moves within her: “I understand their concerns. Drugs made me like a zombie. I was also selfish, self-centred and cruel-tongued…”
Mum understands. But do Amy’s parents, the in-laws? Do they understand as well as Georgette?
The voice returns:
“They have laid all the blame at me and I know they could have done more to force her into rehab a long time ago. I hate Amy’s father, Mitch. My mother calls him The Fat Controller. He is on Amy’s payroll. They are all on Amy’s payroll. What man takes money off his daughter? Mitch ought to be ashamed. He should get off his a*se, get his little black cab out of his drive and earn a living or do something and save his daughter.”
Georgette’s shoulders may well sag a little, her frame exhausted by the force of her son’s words.
Make It Stop!
But still the words come. She jerks to life. Her jaw begins to wag:
“She is thin, she is bulimic and she looks ill. Bulimia is deadly in itself and I’ve tried without success to make her eat properly…. Pete Doherty is a bad influence and I don’t want her doing drugs with him. I have advised Amy to be very careful and stay clear.”
A red bra hovers before our eyes. “I told my mother, ‘It’s not very nice that every con in Pentonville is going to see my wife in a bra.'”
Finally:
“My mum’s visits have been immensely important to me and I know she wants me to leave Amy. I would never turn my back on my mother and I pray that I never have to chose between my parents and Amy. So it is up to the two of us to get free of drugs and then everyone can be happy.”
Blake may well have more to say, but Georgette’s jaw is exhausted. Rest now…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Mel B’s Sex With Eddie Murphy (Video)
SAYS a source on Mel B, the Spice Girl’s very own Carol Jackson:
“Mel said all the problems would go away if Eddie agreed to her demands for a $9MILLION (that’s £4.5million) house in Malibu plus living expenses for 18 YEARS.”
An “insider” tells the News of the World: “They slept together just three times.” They created a child.
Readers learn: “Of course he will pay to support Angel at the moment it’s $15,000 (£7,500) a month…”
A token gesture by a man with shame on him…
Posted: 27th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Why Westboro Baptist Church Hates Heath Ledger
HEATH Ledger is dead and the religionists at the Westboro Baptist Church are excited.
Read more about that here.
Here’s an interview with Shirley Phelps-Roper. And here.
Shirley is one of the daughters of Fred Phelps, the leader of the WBC.
God is all powerful yet has a spokesperson like this… Is it part of an eqaul opportunities programme?
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (22)
Scarlett Johansson Engages Barack Obama
SCARLETT Johansson has returned from her USO tour of the Persian Gulf and was asked about the rumors that she’s engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds.
Her reply: “I am engaged … to Barack Obama. My heart belongs to Barack, and that is who I am currently, finally, engaged to. Yes.”
That’s right – a white woman endorses Obama!
As they say: Barack Obama’s race problem is the white Liberals
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians | Comment
Skating On Thin Ice: Julie Mccaffrey On Vicky Beckham’s Pob Job
IN “Posh copied my hairstyle”, the Mirror looks at a Dancing On Ice “Exclusive” – ‘KRISTINA’ CAME BEFORE VIC’S POB SKATE STAR KRISTINA LENKO.”
The Pob is the name by which Canadian-born Kristina’s hair goes by.
Says she: “My hair was below my waist for a long time. But just before the first series of Dancing On Ice I told my stylist, ‘Do whatever you like’. He came up with this and I was delighted – it’s so easy to look after.”
A brisk walk, a biscuit and Kristina’s hair shines like a Pug’s nose.
She goes on: “I’m flattered and humbled that so many people like it so much. I was in the Australian version of the show when Jayne Torvill said, ‘Guess who’s got a Kristina cut now? Posh! That’s pretty amazing.”
But Kristina is a professional ice dancer and may take offence at the word’s of Julie Mccaffrey, the Mirror’s hack who begins her piece: “Gliding around the rink with all the effortless elegance of a swan, Kristina Lenko makes skating look so damn easy.”
Anorak has been to the lake and seen a swan trying to negotiate the ice. It is not enough unlike watching an un-sunned Vanessa Feltz jelly wrestling.
Duly, Kristina may care to rearrange Ms Mccaffrey’s hair, and, given the levels of violence (and here) exhibited on the show, alter her features, too…
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Celebrities, Royals And MPs Demand Equal Tax Status
“ONLINE tax system ‘too risky’ for the famous,” says the Telegraph.
Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs admits the system is not secure enough to be used by MPs, celebrities and the Royal Family, although not necessarily in that order.
The risk is that Tax records contain NI numbers, bank account and salary details – all valuable to fraudsters.
Men in cravats and generous ears will pass themselves off as Prince Charles; freckly youths called Wayne will clean Argos of jewellery; people will think Gordon Brown spends £26,467 a year on hair gel.
As such, thousands of “high profile” people have been “secretly barred” from using the online tax return system.
From this October, non VIPs are required to file a self-assessment online or face a fine. However, HMRC has a list of those excluded from the new rules who must send hard copies of returns for “security reasons”.
As the paper notes: “HMRC stressed that all taxpayers’ details were secure.”
EQUAL RIGHTS NOW!
But this smacks of discrimination. Why should the great and good be prevented from accessing the same cutting-edge technology as the rest of us, forced instead to use ancient ink and embarrassing paper?
A rebellion is already underway. The We Are Not Celebs movement is petitioning for a change in the rules.
Reports are that Kerry Katona, Anthea Turner and Bubble from Big Brother 3 have already signed up and are telling everyone and everyone that they are not really celebrities and challenging the Government to spot their talent.
Prince Edward denies being a Royal and Sarah Teather says only a madman would describe her as an MP…
EQUAL RIGHTS NOW!
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities, Money | Comment (1)
Cole To Newcastle’s Cheryl: Ashley Is Kicked Into Touch
“SOBBING Cheryl Cole was ‘inconsolable’ yesterday after discovering love rat hubby Ashley had humiliated her by sleeping with a hairdresser”
Yesterday the Sun led with “ASHLEY CHEATS ON CHERYL”, words that any football fan can chant whenever Cole turns out for Chelsea or England.
A source says the furious Girls Aloud singer, a Newcastle native, yelled at her husband: “How could you humiliate me like this in front of everyone?”
Sun readers cup their ears and lean in. “Get out. It’s over – you’ve ruined it all.”
“Should Cheryl dump Ashley for good?” asks the Sun.
YES:0906 654 ****
NO: 0906 654 ****
Cherlyl awaits your call. She can’t answer them all, and may need her mum to operate the ‘YES’ and ‘NO ‘lines during busy times.
Should the hammer fall on “NO”, Ashley and Cherly can renew their wedding vows in OK!, or perhaps in a bid not to revist old ground by move on, Hello!.
If it is “YES”, then Cheryl may need to grow her hair long or find another Mr Cole to marry, as the charming tattoo on the back of her neck demands.
Happily, Ashley is teammates with one Joe Cole, a single footballer who may well step up to the mark…
Aimee Helps Poor Cheryl Cole Understand Sick, Cheating Ashley
Posted: 26th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Celebrity Quote Of The Day: Sylvester Stallone’s Fist
SYLVESTER Stallone is plugging his new film on Howard Stern.
The NY Post reports: “The talk quickly turned to women, with Sly denying Janice Dickinson’s claims he injected her with steroids. ‘The only thing I injected her with was my fist’.”
Anyone know what he means?
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5)
Anonyous Declare War On Tom Cruise’s Scientology
ANOTHER religious war. A group calling itself Anonymous has declared war on Tom Cruise’s Church of Scientology.
The group has made a video.
“Over the years, we have been watching you. Your campaigns of misinformation; suppression of dissent; your litigious nature, all of these things have caught our eye. With the leakage of your latest propaganda video into mainstream circulation, the extent of your malign influence over those who trust you, who call you leader, has been made clear to us.
“Anonymous has therefore decided that your organization should be destroyed. For the good of your followers, for the good of mankind–for the laughs–we shall expel you from the Internet and systematically dismantle the Church of Scientology in its present form.”
Posted: 25th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
