Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The formula takes onboard cash, band value, Google index, publicity, delinquency factor, actual talent and personal qualities.
The sums done, the Mail says the most pointless celebrity in the land, if not the world, is Peter Andre, aka Pete Andre, known to millions as the Singing Acorn, the shining example of manhood who put the Glo in Morning Glory as he climbed into Jordan’s hammock.
Many will of course beg to differ, it being the seventh rule of celebrity that coming bottom is coming top, if not the new coming top – just as up is the new down, going out is the new staying in and Anthea Turner is the new Viagra.
Expect appeals from Victoria Hervey, Sophie Anderton, Paul Danan, Chantelle, Kerry Katona and, how can we forget, whatshisface…
Look out for the 100 Most Pointless Celebrities on Channel 4
So talented is Winehouse – writing in the Sun, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber calls her the “new Ella Fitzgerald” in a “Judy Garland-style” – that it would come as no surprise to learn that she is taking on a mouthful of juice in readiness to gargle her hit song “Rehab” in the manner of The Tin Man.
But the fluids may serve another purpose: hydration. The Mirror says Winehouse was in “meltdown” before her appearance at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.
She is “wailing in despair”. On stage, the Mirror notes she is propped up by her band as she “almost collapsed in tears”.
As a fan says: “She was demanding drinks the whole time. She could barely sing.”
Much less cry or work up a sweat…
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Anyone who thinks Britney Spears’ best days are behind should know this—she does have a prayer.
The celebuwreck, who has been struggling to get custody of her kids while launching a comeback, is the top prayer-getter at the Hollywood Prayer Network, a group of more than 5,000 Christians that prays for stars instead of writing them off as lost causes.
The network recently passed a Bible to socialite Paris Hilton and plans to pass one to Spears later this month. It also picks up-and- coming child stars for its monthly Kids Prayer Calendar and pairs hundreds of mentors with struggling actors—the kind more likely to take your order in a restaurant than appear on your television.
Members of the network, which has chapters in 16 U.S. cities and eight countries, see Hollywood as the 21st century’s largest mission field, a powerful industry that can be used to sow the seeds of an international cultural and religious revival.
“We tell people, ‘If you’re angry at a TV show or you’re switching channels because of content, stop and pray for the people on the show,'” said Karen Covell, HPN’s founder. “If you really believe in God and you believe God has a transforming power, then leave it up to him.”
Because Jesus was a celebrity too…
Amidst the religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists, Mills will impose upon the people who like to stand in the cold listening to religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists the need to give up meat to save nothing less than the planet.
The Independent explains that less farming means less grazing and that means less pasture and less guffing cows and sheep. It means less mammals and more plants. And since the plants only speak to Prince Charles and vegetarians, Heather has volunteered to speak to the rest of us on their behalf.
The Indy reports that after her showing, Mills will feature in two adverts for Vegetarian international voice, which aims on speak on behalf of both domestic and foreign plants.
One message will declare “Hey Meaty, you’re making me so hot!”, while another is directed at tree huggers who eat fish and dairy. The strapline: “You haven’t got a leg to stand on.”
Says the Indy: “This is what happens when your publicist sacks you.”
The Ends Begins…
The story is, of course, history in the happening. And in time to come Doherty and his “cocaine” will find a place in the showbiz annals amid Arthur Askey Vic’s Inhaler and Liberace’s taste for Linctus.
Historians will be keen to know how Doherty took these drugs, and, as ever, the Mirror is keen to reveal all.
Note Doherty’s “tracksuit”, his “silver tray” and the “kitchen counter” he is “perched” upon. All vital drugs paraphernalia.
Doherty “chops” the substance into five “massive lines” and “snorts” them though a rolled up sheet of paper. He then “stares glassily into the camera”.
A bit like Gemma Atkinson, only more so…
As Tabloid Baby reports from Los Angeles: “Strange twist in the TMZ-X17 paparazzi ‘tragedy’.” It’s the making and unmaking of Hollywood sensation…
“Reports flew yesterday that one of the teams of paparazzi who chase Britney Spears around town was run over and smashed under the wheels of a Land Rover (our favorite respnse was how the corporate porn-pushing gossip site TMZ.com distanced itself from the ugly mess by placing the incident in the context of ‘Spears madness’).
“By the time the story made a brief appearance on The Drudge Report late in the day, the situation was downgraded from tragedy to another wacky Britney escapade, as it was on the blog that started it all:
“’11:00 AM PT Update: Somehow, probably by an act of God, the victim was released from the hospital last night with only a tire mark on his arm. TMZ reports that there was not a single broken bone or no internal injuries.'”
As TB says, “So much for eyewitness accounts.”
There are those who like to snigger about celebrities being only in it for themselves, hosting telethons and charity dos to promote their mighty hearts and to be seen.
But Jolie and Pitt are different. While Bob Geldof invites us to dig deep and build a well, and Bono, Mr G9, beseeches us to cancel the debt, Hollywood’s finest buy the place and have it remodeled.
And relocated. If the waters won’t come to Ethiopia, bring Ethiopia to the waters.
Ethiopia II: Son Of Ethiopia is off the coast of Dubai. According to the Emirates Today newspaper Bradgelina intend to use the reclaimed piece of land to showcase environmental issues and encourage people to live a greener life. They will do this from a manmade island.
And it represents good value. With prices for the islands ranging from six million to 36 million dollars, taking into account Ethiopia’s debts and the interest on those debts, even the top end fee represents something of a bargain.
Of course, the couple’s two-year-old daughter Zahara was born in Ethiopia. And it will be good to reconnect her with her roots. Perhps in time, the Jolie-Pitts other children can reclaim the lands they were sired in, namely Thailand and Vietnam.
The one shocker is that the Jolie-Pitts opted for Ethiopia over Namibia, the palce they tried on for size when their daughter Shiloh came among us.
But small steps – the world was not buildt in a day. Inded, the original world took six days to build. And with Brad’s knowledge of carpentry and plumbing gleaned from his time amid the flood waters of New Orleans there is evey chance he and his lover can set a new record…
Both men belong to a past era: Clooney to the golden age of showbiz when the Rat Pack bestrode Vegas and never brought out a signature perfume nor felt driven to explain their lifestyle; Fabio is what happened to Sir Harry Paget Flashman when he moved to Italy, grew his hair and discovered girls and Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat.
The walking cover of a million penny dreadful romance novels, Fabio is seen entertaining the five female winners of a contest to watch him eat at Madeo restaurant.
On another table is George Clooney with female friend Sarah Larsen. Pictures are being taken by the Fabio party. Clooney notices. He thinks they are taking pictures of him. The Enquirer produces a picture of Clooney firmly in shot. He is ordering a copy of the print with his middle finger.
Fabio is incredulous. Fabio has the look of a man who thinks America is dubbed the land of opportunity because it gives the huddled masses the opportunity to meet him. He maintains the pictures of are of him and his winners.
Words are said. Fabio calls Clooney a “diva”, which may be a term of the highest praise. George drops what the Enquirer call an “F-bomb”. Says Fabio’s agent: “Clooney starred in ER and Fabio is going to send him back there.”
Macho stuff. And we see the cover to the book of the meeting now as Fabio (breeze-blown hair and leopard-trunks) looms over Dr George.
Madeo Man, by Jude Devereaux is available in good, bad and indifferent book shops…
Indeed, it is encouraging to note that Winehouse has not altered, the jailing, however temporary, of her husband not affecting her trademark look.
The Sun notes that her “lips are horribly cracked”, which may be a pun as readers learn that this is a “symptom sometimes associated with crack cocaine abuse”.
Cracking in the corners of the mouth (angular cheilitis) is fairly common. It can be due to repeated wetting and drying and it may help to use a lip salve to keep lips moist, an anti-fungal gel or find a less drying recreational drug.
Blake should take care to moisture, as the Sun says he has spent the first days of his incarceration sobbing. He has been nicknamed Soft Boy, by his news pals.
He needs to toughen up. Anorak recommends a vinegar-based rub…
Today, the Sun gives “Lady Mucca” a routine kicking on page three.
“Mucca is talking CARP” it declares (think about it). “FISH WEBSITE IS AS POPULAR.”
As popular as what?
As popular as Mills’s own website, which, the paper informs us, is “only the 242,174th most viewed in the UK – around the same as specialist carp.com”.
There’s worse to come: “More than a third of visitors – 36 per cent – were not even based in the UK.”
Ugh! Makes you all queasy, doesn’t it, thinking of all those non-UK-based types looking at it with their greasy foreign eyes…
Anyway, we think that “Mucca” should take some comfort from all this. Carp fans may be few, but they are loyal and passionate. One announced on national television that catching a prize carp was “better than sex”.
Who’s to say Heather can’t inspire her own followers to similar heights of hyperbole?
“IT’S a good laugh all this,” said Boy George back in May, commenting on the tale that he was planning to kidnap a male escort and use him as a bondage slave.
Now, as the Sun reports, George has been charged with false imprisonment. It is alleged that George, Boy did keep one Auden Karlsen prisoner in his flat.
It is also alleged that Auden was photographed, as arranged, and then, while tethered to a wall, pounced upon by George, who produced whips and sex toys and gave full throat to the line: “Now you’ll get what you deserve.”
Karlsen says he escaped by wrenching the chain from the walls and running for his life.
There is no comment from George, although it is believed that should any crime be proven he is buoyant that the punishment be both long and painful…
Our Britney would soon be starring in the Bournemouth Pavilion’s production of Sleeping Beauty, alongside Malandra Burrows (Emmerdale & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here), Helen Fraser (Body Bag from Bad Girls) as the Bad Fairy, Chris Pizzey (Mr Stephen from the Basil Brush show).
But over in America, things are done differently. There you have to make your own pantomime; you have to live the fantasy. And so it is that the New York Post brings news of Lynne Spears, Britney’s mum.
News is that Lynne has signed a deal with a Christian group to write her memoirs. We expect to read of a painful journey to the moment of Britney’s humble birth, then through trial and tribulation to the epiphany when Lynne realises that none of it would have been possible without her.
The newspaper tried to get an interview with Lynne. “You’ll have to call [Lynne’s] manager,” came the reply.
No, not a manger. A manager. Although, given the coming season and Lynne’s role…
So says the Sun, which notes that Heather’s lawyers have “dumped her”.
Princess Diana’s law firm Mishcon de Reya – who do not act for Kate McCann or Anthea Turner – have declined to act for Heather after she “defied advice NOT to talk about her marriage or the couple’s four-year-old daughter Beatrice”.
A source says: “Heather will make it out to be a David and Goliath battle. But how she thinks she can fight one of the best legal minds in the country is beyond belief.”
A mountain stands between Heather and the justice she craves.
Has she a chance? Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? How would she appeal? Has she had a happy married life? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her husband Sir Paul?”
Heather will be played by Marlene Dietrich; Sir Paul by Alan Rickman and Warren Mitchell
FIVE facts you never knew about Harry Dent-Brocklehurst and Lili Maltese. As detailed in conversation with OK! magazine:
1. When Lili’s son Jake (now aged 1) was born Lili had “no epidural, nothing. Obviously that was my preference but I would have done whatever was needed so the baby would have been safe.”
2. Lili would like to have a baby girl. “I would love a baby girl,” says Lili. But not necessarily an epidural. Although it would be wrong to rule one out
3. Lili “may just stop at three boys”. Although if she had a girl, she may stop at three boys and a girl. And an epidural. Or not
4. Lili wonders if “three is enough. Maybe we won’t get a baby girl, who knows?”
5. Lili and Henry will not be starring with Major James Hewitt in the Gloucester Players production of Dick Whittington
In this exclusive OK! interview Jolie tell us about her “amazing life”. “It’s “amazing!” Amazing!” says Angelina Jolie, removing all doubt.
Jolie is auditioning for her biopic, in which she will play “poor” Jennifer Aniston to Jennifer Aniston’s pathetic and some may says heartless, cold and husband-stealing Jolie. Caring Angelina would surely like it known that there is always a part for Jennifer in any project she and Brad embark up together, such it the strength of their deep and lasting love.
“Brad aside, Angelina is known for her big heart,” says OK!, skilfully not confusing her with that Aniston creature.
“Brad is so good with Mad, for example,” says Jolie, “and they’ve bonded in such a beautiful way that it almost makes me want to cry – and I never cry.” Not like that Aniston person who cries all the time.
“Honesty and trust are fundamental,” says Jolie. “Brad and I have together and that’s why we’re enjoying our life together.”
It sounds, well, amazing… “I could spend hours just watching Brad enjoying his time with the kids,” says she, words that could come from the mouths of any one of us – “except I’m usually busy changing clothes or getting the kids ready for bed myself!”
Not like that Aniston woman who has no children and only has herself to think about all day and all night…
a) Iran is building a nuclear bomb
b) Princess Diana never died but lives on the fabled Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols
c) Jennifer Lopez is pregnant
The answer is “c”. The rest we know.
“Yes, I’m pregnant,” says Jennifer Lopez, so making us all privy to the secret, which is, as the Star maintains, badly kept…
Pic: Matt ‘Hack’ Buck
“Amy man is cuffed and off to the cells,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “Baby, I love you.. Baby, I’ll be fine… I love you,” says Winehouse, words reading like an advertorial for her next compilation of hits.
“I want to go with him,” says Winehouse. “Baby, I love.” And many, many more. “I love you,” says Blake, gamely playing Sony to his wife’s Cher.
And then he is bundled into an unmarked police car. And so it is that Fielder-Civil has becomes the latest in a long lien of double barrels to be pinched.
It is alleged that Fielder-Civil did conspire to halt a trial in which he and one Michael Brown are accused of causing GBH with intent on a barman. It is claimed that £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.
The Mirror produces a picture of King allegedly withdrawing his claims. Another picture shows “middleman Ant” allegedly meeting with King to discuss the deal. The Mirror says Ant and an associated Jay contacted the Mirror claiming to have a tape showing the attack.
Over in the Sun, the front page shows police forcing their way in the Winehouse residence. She tells a friend: “We’re f***ed. God knows what they’ll find.”
Amy’s hair is high…
Or at least Nancy Shevell’s father, “mega-rich” Myron ‘Mike’ Shevell, was once accused of making pay-offs to the Mob. Mr Shevell works in trucking.
It’s a dirty business. Or a “DIRTY MAC”, as the Mirror puts it, with a barely veiled attack on Sir Paul’s age and friendship with another much younger woman.
Heather Mills, for one, is upset by it. Heather’s US publicist tells the paper: “She did ask him if it was going on while they were together and Paul swore that it did not happen then and that she was just a friend.”
“It is purely platonic,” says the Express via a headline. Says a friend in the Mirror: “She is someone he can talk to. He finds her challenging…”
Sir Paul is 65….
NEWS that Pete Doherty is back in rehab is as shocking as it is saddening. For musos keen to catch Pete’s latest work, the Mirror reports that he is staying at Clouds rehab facility, Wiltshire, Basil Fotherington-Thomas’ treatment centre of repute.
If only the War On Terror had a celebrity element it would surely achieve the news coverage it deserves.
The Sun realises the problem, and introduces readers to Brian Tilley.
The ex-Marine was shot in the foot and then in the back by five men dressed as Iraqi police. It was an unlawful killing. Bournemouth’s sitting coroner hears the gruesome details.
Mr Tilley was employed in Iraq as a security worker. But he is best known to Sun readers as a “former bodyguard to Posh and Becks”. As the paper reports: “He was a close pal of the couple.”
And the headline: “Posh pal killed in cop raid.”
The WMD have yet to be found…
In the good old day, male singers could find misery by opening a bar and finding the place shot up within hours by no good varmint. Female crooners were encouraged to become prostitutes with hearts of pure spun gold.
Now all they have is holy matrimony and divorce.
And, as the Enquirer reports, Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw have nine marriages between them. And looking for material for a new album the singers have decided to separate and make it divorce No. 10.
With no dog to kill and horse to maim, Sammy has been forced to seek misery in selling off his tour bus, the No. 73 To Yuma. He is now, as the Enquirer reports, likely to come for some of singer Lorrie’s assets.
Lorrie scored 14 Top 10 hits in the 90s, says the Enquirer – including such unforgettable melodies as Get Out, Mr Man!, Leavin’ Me!, Leavin’ You, and Leavin’ Us. No hit was greater than her 1997 smash Go Away.
It is hoped that with both parties suffering, they can produce a hit album, or at the very least something for a lonely cowboy to hum…
To date Jennifer has kept her hair long and her new men on script. As for the catchphrase, Jen has tried “OH MY God”, “OH-my God!”, “Oh MY God” and the challenging “OH-my-GoD!” But she has ever remained true to herself.
But now in “JEN OUT OF CONTROL”. The National Enquirer tells of Jen’s “wild partying”, “secret trysts with ex-lovers”, and her “hungry for new man.”
Plus ca change. It is refreshing to know that is world of uncertainties Jennifer Aniston remains as unwavering as a Hollywood divorcee’s expression.
Jen is always looking for love, always out at a party and always accompanied by hair that says she is worth it.
The secret nuptials will occur at the Riverside Church in Manhattan (one of Billericay’s premier nightspots!) on February 29 2008.
After becoming Mr Jack Tweed, the secret wedding will relocate to a “lavish champagne reception” at the Twenty Four Fifth floor ballroom in the former Fifth Avenue hotel.
It is expected that between “naw” and “den”, Jade and Jack will experience numerous highs and lows as details of the secret wedding almost leak out…
The woman is, naturally, Kalie Machado, who for three months was Britney’s assistant. One may wonder if Machado remains the woman closest to Britney or if La Spears has moved on and hired more staff?
Ms Machado knows. But first she has a Serve ‘n’ Tell to deliver. (It was to have been a Kiss ‘n’ Tell but the Mirror tells us that the kiss Machado and Spears shared in Las Vegas was “staged” and a “mock” kiss.)
With Machado’s guiding hand, we move inside Britney’s Malibu mansion, past the wedding dress that hangs in a case on the wall. We go upstairs and hear Britney crying herself to sleep “night after night”.
“She was incredibly sad and lonely while I was with her,” says Machado.
But what of Kevin Federline? The Rapping Rodent had just left the family abode when Machado arrived. Britney wanted him back. She kept all this clothes. She would walk in and possibly smell them.
How Britney must have wanted to bottle the K-Ferret odour. With its heady low notes of baseball cap and tartar and top notes of exhaust fumes and vest, Rappa would have complimented Britney’s own signature perfumes. Sold in a bottle shaped like a pair of buck teeth, Rappa would have made some money, too.
But it was never to be. Instead of Kevin, Britney got Machado – the woman closest to her…
Strange things are afoot. And in “Miss Holmes and her incredible shrinking man,” the paper wonders why Katie is looking so tall.
The Mail talks of the “couple’s fluctuating height-difference”. It is a “mystery”.
Indeed, in one published picture, Tom appears a good four inches taller than his petite wife. But in another shot, Katie is a giantess, and Tom is threatening to fall through a crack in the pavement.
The obvious explanation is that the pair are changelings, Tom and Katie trading places by the power of mind thought. It might be that only their heads swap, a notion suggested by Katie dressing to the right in picture two.