Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
SAYS Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd: “I might have to become a lesbian. It seems all footballers are cheats. I don’t know why I go out with them. But no normal blokes ask me out – only footballers. I think I must look unapproachable.”
Surely not. Although since her breasts were inflated, it is harder than ever to get close to the real Danielle.
“I think I need to be single now and just concentrate and on me and my career for a bit.”
Agreed. Danielle should have more me time. Although since her career consists of dating footballers, we wonder how she will pass the time?
And if the Arsenal Ladies team need a couple of new balls…
NIKKI Grahame, the Big Brother star with the Vanessa Feltz disorder, has equipped herself with new primary sexual characteristics.
“I never liked the shape,” says Nikki of her new £5,500 breasts. “They didn’t put the implants under he muscle so I started to get rippling.”
Nikki’s new breasts look reassuringly ripple-free and altogether incapable of any movement…
No, not in the way you think. The show will not be embroiled in a scandal in which an evicted housemate will be allowed to re-enter the house. It won’t be like last year.
This year, the threat is that Big Brother will be fixed by an “EVIL” Far East gang. They aim to make millions by rigging evictions.
No. Wrong again. The villains won’t fix the show by careful editing, portraying the less busty, less alluring and less whacky contestants in a bad light.
No. The Star says the “murderous” Far East mob have “access to technology which can be used to hijack the public vote”.
What technology? The Star does not say. But when it tells us that Shilpa Shetty’s victory in Celebrity Big Brother has raised the show’s profile in India, we begin to think.
And we wonder if so many Indian call centre workers are to be recruited in a phone line fixing scandal? Will they reroute calls meant for the BT complaints department to Armani’s Big Brother voting line?
Look out for this? And more…
Dressed in a white bikini, Danielle tells Star readers: “It’s absolutely stunning, so I have everything crossed that it ends up being mine.”
“It” is not a footballer. “It” is not a new set of breasts. And whether Danielle can cross everything or anything is a matter for the celebrity circus.
She is talking about what might be her new £1.7million villa in the Algarve. “I can’t wait to have somewhere to escape to with my friends,”
The villa boasts a tennis court, waterfall and small golf course. There is no shortage of places for Dani to dress up in little white shorts, plus twos and get her skin wet.
But she might not get her dream home. She has only made an offer. Which might mean she has to wear her new outfits somewhere else. Like in the Star…
VIRGIN Media sponsors Big Brother 8. And the company’s boss, Richard Branson, is going to arrive on the show for a special guest appearance.
A show source tells the Star: “What better way to show how pleased we are having him as Big Brother sponsor than by having him on the show?
“It will be a huge surprise for the housemates this year.
“We are planning to have Richard give the contestants a task – probably something business related.
“He will stay the day seeing them do the challenge and return 24 hours later to reveal who the winner is. And he’ll hand them a special reward.”
Sounds not a bit unlike The Apprentice.
But what will Branson give the winning housemate? Fellow bearded Midas Alan Sugar gives his winner a £100,000-a-year job.
What price Branson giving them a Virgin Rail ticket, a can of virgin cola or a real life virgin?
Ok. To make it even more exciting, we’ll let the audience participate.
This year’s Big Brother will feature:
a) An orange bigot with nipples adapted to dispense curry sauce (left) and vodka and pineapple (right)
b) A chimpanzee called Armani
c) A bisexual nymphomaniac
They might all be correct answers. But the Star today sticks with the sensational news that Big Brother 8 will be populated by a twentysomething-year-old secretary who can’t get by without sex.
Readers may well recall last season’s Richard, who arrived under the banner the “Sexual Terrorist”.
On one level Richard was right: the idea of sex with the Canadian pedant was truly terrible. But on the other level– the idea that he would prowl the Big Brother rooms like an urban guerrilla, threatening to blow (up) everyone and everything in sight was overstated.
So what of this new sex addict? She is blonde. She claims to have slept with more than 200 lovers since her teens.
An insider tells us:
“Having a bisexual contestant who also happens to be a nympho is a double bonus because you’re definitely guaranteed some romps.
“With the show lasting three months, she is gonna be chasing the lads – and the lasses – every week. This girl has no inhibitions whatsoever.
“All wannabes are always asked: ‘Would you have sex on TV?’ And most of them say ‘Yes’, thinking this will guarantee them a place on the show.
“But in their heart of hearts they would never have nookie in front of millions of viewers.
“But producers can suss who is lying and with this woman they could see she would live up to expectations.
“She made no bones about the fact that she’d have sex on telly, or, indeed, anywhere.
“She even joked: ‘I’ll have it in the car park in front of Davina, if you want.’ So it looks like all the housemates are going to be in for a shock when she turns up.
“The girl is sex mad.”
Big Brother 8 promises to be quite some show. What with the binge drinking, the fighting and the sex, it will be like watching CCTV in better focus…
Stephen Ireland and James Joell will appear in the show and maybe even get married.
Not that the happy couple will be the only gays in the house as the Star says half this year’s housemates are either homosexual or bisexual. Yes, only half. It’s all change in the house.
But it is Ireland and Joell who capture the minds. A source tells us: “They’re both naturally funny and are desperate to break the gay stereotype.”
A picture of both men in the Star reveals them well on their way to achieving their goal. Neither men fit the Big Brother gay mould. They are not so much buffed as sand blasted. Less six pack than beer bellied.
We have not seen as many love handles since the time Old Mr Anorak took us on a fact finding mission behind the doors of his Bangkok ping-pong camp.
Stephen Ireland and James Joell will break the big Brother gay mould – into very small pieces…
ANORAK has partnered with Betfair for this season’s Big Brother. (We have to pay the bills.) And all Anorak customers will be in line for a FREE £10 bet! Open a Betfair account through Anorak and the betting giant will give you the cash to play with. You can bet it all in one go or break it down into 5 bets of £2. It is real money and you can withdraw it at any time!
More to follow…
Sadly, Marsh is no Shetty and comes blessed with all the grace, poise and hue of last night’s chicken tiki massala. Jodie’s post-Big Brother career has not gone from strength to strength.
Jodie has not been kissed by Richard Gere, as Shilpa famously has. In fact, Jodie would be happy to be kissed by anyone. As the front page headline reads: “Jodie Marsh: I want to marry a Daily Sport reader.”
Chances are considerably high that many readers of the Daily Sport, with its diet of Orlaith McAllister’s arse and adverts for porn, are either a) married; b) adolescents too young to get married; c) unable to understand the question.
But not to worry, because Jodie is coming to get you. Wearing a belt, a pelmet and a veil, Jodie announces her plan to find a man.
“I’ve decided to do something completely outrageous,” says Jodie. Is she going to have anal sex with Orlaith McAllister? “I’m desperate to settle down with the man of my dreams, so I’m launching a nationwide search to find a husband.”
Far be it from us to dabble in affairs of the heart, but we suggest Jodie lend her quest an international bent and head to places like Russia, China and all other lands where men would dearly love to marry a British girl.
“If you think you’ve got what I want in a man, I’d really love to meet you in person at my open auditions,” says Jodie.
As is the way of such things, the auditions will be filmed and form the central plank in MTV’s Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle?”
What form the auditions will take is not outlined, but expect to see men tested for how quickly they can varnish Jodie and any one of a number of itchy diseases…
Update: Is that orange colour the result of penicillin?
Orlaith, who appears on the cover of the Daily Sport organ dressed in a thong and bra, is on hand to talk about her “first time”, her “kinkiest sex acts” and her “one-night stand with ‘huge’ Calum Best”.
Inside the paper, spread across the centre pages in poster format, Big Brother’s Orlaith gives Best 11 out of 10.
Interestingly, Orlaith’s night with Best was also her first time with a “MASSIVE WILLY”. “I think size is important,” says Orliath, who has proved the point by having her chest inflated.
Other questions and answers follow.
In the interests of research readers learn when Orlaith conducted her “first hand job”, “first time received oral sex”, “first blow-job”, “first time you swallowed”, first shag” and “first time bum fun”.
Orlaith then tells readers she is “quite partial to orgasms”, in a way we imagine other women are quite partial to a glass of sherry and Radio 4.
Orlaith is available for pantomime, presenting work and anal sex…
Back then celebrity for Michelle was so much dreaming. But now Michelle is a glamour mo-del and earning what OK! optimistically calls “a decent living”.
Michelle has just run the London Marathon. She says her knee “went” at 16 miles so she walked. Then her hip stated hurting. So she limped. Then the elastic in her knickers snapped and she smiled for the cameras.
“I had to sit on the grass and my leg seized up,” says Michelle. “So four ambulance men came over with their wheelie trolley and put an ice pack on my knee.”
And this is how Michelle came to win the disabled race? No. But she did finish, which is more than her Big Bother agonist Kinga managed.
And that is not all. Michelle was in a film, with Carmen Electra. “I thought she wouldn’t want to speak to me, so I just stared at her until she did,” says Bass. “In the end she asked me what Marks & Spencer is and we talked about it for a couple of minutes.”
Oh… “Knickers,” says Bass. And bras, perhaps? Michelle has a well-filled bra, it being inflated from a C to a DD. “You know what,” says she, “I got my boob job and I’ve not looked back since I got them done.”
Can’t turn for the sore knees, right? And the strain on the vertebrae of having two airbags strapped to your chest?
And being in love. Michelle is with a therapist called Steve. “We’ve been together for three months. But you know what, it feels longer,” says Michelle candidly.
But she’ll make a go of it.
We learn that Steve was Michelle’s therapist. They met on a night out.
“He has his own practice and he put you in a hypnotic state and unravels things in your mind that you didn’t know were there.”
And the better news is that she can come as she is. Indeed, there is every reason to believe Danielle can do away with her trademark outfit of knickers and bra and arrive as the surgeon intended.
Danielle’s new show is to be on Television X, the pay-for-view satellite station brought to adolescent boys and night-shift workers by the same company that creates the Star.
These are heady times for Danielle.
And life just gets better as Danielle holds up her mobile phone. Yes, that mobile phone, as taken from her in a VIP toilet at VIP nightclub Newz in Liverpool.
Danielle says she is “relieved beyond belief”, words that could serve as a tag to her new show.
“I’m very grateful to everyone who helped – especially at Newz and the Daily Star.”
How grateful? Well, readers will just have to sign up to television X and see…
“BIG Brother is means to be light entertainment and about everyone having a laugh,” says Danina McCall, the show’s presenter.
Just like in the book 1984, right?
“During Celebrity Big Brother I was turning up for script meetings and there were lawyers there telling me to make sure people got a fair hearing.”
“And I was thinking: ‘Where has my light entertainment programme gone? It was depressing.’”
But great telly. And a great laugh, albeit at Shilpa Shetty’s expense.
But back to those scripts…
PSSST! Wanna see a picture of the boiler that will heat the water that will warm and wash the Big Brother 8 contestants?
It’s the kind of scoop the Star prides itself on, although it was beaten to the job by yesterday’s Mirror.
But never mind the details, just get a load of the quality.
That is a big boiler. It plays a pivotal role in the Big Brother house – without it there would be no warm water and no chance to see Armani and Jakki luxuriating in a soapy bat and getting wet in a steamy shower.
“On the boil,” says the Star. “The boiler that will keep all the housemates warm.”
There are 15 days to go until Big Brother 8 starts and things are, er, heating up…
As recorded in testimony, Danielle has been the victim of a mugging. In the course of a contretemps in a VIP toilet at a VIP Liverpool club, her mobile phone was stolen.
Now Dani fears the villains will unleash untold havoc upon the celebrity set by misusing the numbers contained on said handset.
Says Dani: “Please give it back. If you know anything please help. I really hate the idea of my number getting into the wrong hands.”
Footballer Teddy Sheringham’s face illustrates the Star’s story. Teddy was attached to Dani at the apogee of her notoriety. His number might be on the phone. Although given that he dumped her, Sheringham may be delighted his number is no longer in the wrong hands, namely Dani’s
“I know quite a few famous faces and I don’t want to cause them hassle,” says Dani. “Luckily I put some of them in under code so I’m just praying I get it back before the thieves work out who they are.”
Dani knows Shilpa Shetty (SNOWY), Marcus Bent (CHALKY), and the aforesaid Sheringham (DADDY).
“I hate the idea of them going through my texts or trying to sell them,” says Dani.
After all, if they do that, what will Dani do for material for her autobiography…?
THE new Big Brother house has been revealed.
Part of the swimming pool will be indoors. This allows the cameras to capture the orangey tones of Armani’s puckered flesh under controlled indoor lights.
Housemates will be able to swim from the garden into the lounge. This means bikinis in the living room.
Housemates will be able to eat a large meal, drink their fill and then tumble into the water.
It could be Big Brother’s first ever live drowning. Who says the show has nowhere left to go?…
Dumped by her middle-aged lover Teddy Sheringham, pushed off a table and overlooked for any TV work, including a stint presenting Celebrity Photoshop (Dani and the team see if they can use computer wizardry to turn even the blackest celebrity white), there is more bad news.
As the Star’s front page says: “Dani’s terror as she’s mugged by gang.”
The heathen scum have attacked our Danielle and left her weting only a leopard-print bikini. For shame!
Dani is in the VIP section of Liverpool’s Newz bar. Surrounded by local VIPs – the pizza delivery boy from Brookside, the lad from the ‘Accrington Stanley’ milk advert and Coleen McLoughlin – Dani is in the toilets.
“I put my phone down to wash my hands and they grabbed it,” says “terrified” Dani. “I asked for it back but they just started swearing at me and yelling, ‘Who do you think you are?’”
These are not Dani’s people, as some may believe. Dani is outnumbered. She is pushed. She is shoved. Dani escapes and flees the club.
But, as the Sun reports, Coleen McLoughlin has offered Dani some comfort.
So not all bad then. Dani is mugged and terrified. But she sees her name in the papers. She meets Liverpool A-lister Coleen. And gets to be achieve something she could only have dreamed about: victimhood.
“BIG BROTHER SEX SPIES,” says the Star’s front page.
Fans of the show can “look forward to seeing the girls peeling off and wannabes getting intimate with each other”.
All housemates will be issued with webcams. They can use them to send messages. And this “explicit footage” will be made available on the web.
A little worryingly, the Star says: “TV chiefs want the wannabes to use the cams for other things as well.”
Will web cameras be used as balls in games of catch? Inserted within housemates? Or in other ways?
Of course, knowing how these things work out, impatient Big Brother fans can log onto the web and look for the contestants’ former careers as strippers, porn stars and mo-dels.
GEORGE Galloway was thrown out of the Labour Party for inciting Arabs to fight British troops, inciting British troops in Iraq and threatening to stand against Labour in an election, as the BBC puts it. George Galloway is the MP for Bethnal Green and Bow.
He then went onto appear on Big Brother in early 2006.
Galloway is in conversation with Digital Spy:
DS: At the time one of your constituents – a certain Oscar-winning British actress (Queen Helen Mirren) – suggested that you were abandoning your constituency by appearing on the show. What do you say to that?
GG: It’s rubbish. Most Members of Parliament are not even known by their constituents, much less their whereabouts. Much of the show was during the parliamentary recess, and the best answer was given by my constituents just twelve weeks later, when in the local elections we swept the entire Labour leadership out of office.
A bit of research tells us that in the local elections of 2006, the Labour Party’s Mohammed Abdus Salique won a seat in Bethnal Green (North). In Bethnal Green South, Salim Ulla, Sirajul Is and Carli Harper-Penman won seats for, er, Labour.
In Bow East, Marc Francis, Alexander Kenneth Heslop and Ahmed Adam Omer won seats for – you guessed it – Labour. And in Bow West, Anwara Ali, Ann Theresa Jackson and Joshua Peck won seats on the local council for – no prizes here, folks – Labour. And in Bromley by Bow Abdul Aziz Sardar won a seat for…Labour.
Labour held the Tower Hamlets council.
And in 2002, then Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, who Galloway so indefatigability saluted, topped his personal best election performance by securing 100% of the vote in a referendum.
Labour did not field a candidate
POST Big Brother Shock Disorder: an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which acute mental or physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PBBSD include: being passed over for a presenting job on Living TV, a stint on Celebrity Binge Drink or military combat.
And now you can read about PBBSD in a book by Narinder Kaur, Big Brother survivor. Entitled Big Brother: The Inside Story, Ms Kaur will lift yet another lid off the show that everyone is talking about.
Says Narinder: “There are now around 100 former housemates,’ she explains, ‘some drifting around aimlessly, some the walking wounded, some who went back to their old lives as best as they could, and some, well… who knows?”
That we should never forget these wannabes, has beens and never weres is clear. And while we champion a National Day of Reality TV Remembrance – a ten minute silence to be presented by Danielle Lloyd and Calum Best – Kaur goes on.
She remembers Sam Heuston who experienced Blue’s Duncan James and was so depressed after her eviction that she slashed her wrists in front of her dad.
Say Sam: “I grabbed a razor and cut myself in front of my dad. Blood was all over my arm and dripping on the floor. The ambulance arrived and paramedics stemmed the bleeding. At the hospital I was diagnosed with severe depression, given stronger pills and referred for psychotherapy.”
Anthony Hutton was “randomly punched” in a club. Makosi Musambasi received death threats form Zimbabwe. The shocks are plenty.
And we thank Narinder for showing us the way. And showing other Big Brother agonists that no matter what, you can always get write a book and move on…
WITH Big Brother 8 looming, Chantelle Houghton finds the moment opportune to tell us about her latest adventure: she having new breasts fitted.
“I never thought I’d have a boob job but I’ve given it loads of thought and it’s what I want. I’m really excited about it – I can’t wait,” says Chantelle.
“I’ve lost a bit of weight so my boobs have shrunk a bit. I feel like I’ve got no curves. I hope it will boost my confidence.”
And husband Preston – who she met on Celebrity Big Brother – is delighted. Says Chantelle: “Preston’s very happy about it. But he said to me I shouldn’t have surgery for anyone else but me. Whatever I decide he’ll support me.”
Not that she’ll need his support – or any kind of support – with her new gravity-defying chest…
But one man’s undercooked chicken is another man’s meat and OK! delivers the news that Jade is pregnant.
Jade’s tum-tum now contains two parts kebab to three parts curry sauce and a little baybee.
“I’m thrilled,” says Jade.
And what of her lover, the mute Jack Tweed? What does he think? “Jack’s over the moon too, but it’s comes as a bit of a shock,” says Goody the hoodie. “We’re still telling friends and family.”
Jade presumes too much. We are neither her friends nor her family.
Other OK! readers may beg to differ…
The Star’s front page (“B.BRO BIG BLOW”) reports that in the Big Brother finale the house will be blown to smithereens.
Interesting stuff. And readers wonder if a jihadist will feature among this year’s housemates. Is the house to be blown up by this terrorist with all the inmates within? Or is it to be destroyed by a British ace with a pinpoint missile strike?
Either way, casualties will be high. And we urge Big Brother to reconsider. The drive for more sensation should not be allowed to go too far.
Of course, on the upside, Big Brother will finally have to bite the bullet and replace Davina McCall as the show’s presenter.
But before the panic, and that emergency call to Kate Thornton, we learn that the truth may be less dramatic. The house’s planning permission expires on August 31. This is when Big Brother 8 ends.
After five years the show is moving to a new site. And this means the old house can either be moved brick by crock or destroyed.
As a source says: “The house has got to go and what better way to end the show than to have the place blown up or bring in a digger to demolish it?”
We begin to wonder. And we think that the best way to end the show would be for the BB house to remain in situ and handed over to Jade Goody and kin before being sealed shut.
What do you think the Big Brother house should become? Answers to usual address…
“Dani’s NEW boobs,” says the front-page headline. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”. “From Celeb BB to a “32DD!”
If the Star was printed on scented paper, readers would be met by the smell of a newly opened box of shoes.
But the Star is not a multi-sensory experience, just a feast for the eyes. It is not sprayed with Eau De Dani (top notes of orange, bottom notes or orange and middle notes of Oxo cube and chicken blood).
Moreover, the Star is not printed on tissue paper. And readers move to the centre pages and note, disappointingly, that Dani’s new breasts are attached to Dani’s old body.
And they remain under wraps.
Dani, dressed in only a pair of pink knickers, leans on her front, her nipples concealed from view. Dani sits up and uses a knee and two hands to cover her chest. Dani pulls a strip of the kind of meshed material used to pack Gallia melons on shipping crates over her chest and crotch.
And it becomes evident that we are not seeing Dani’s news breasts. They are either shy or not yet set firm.
So Dani introduces them by word. Says she: “Now I’ve got these great curves and I’m ready to show myself off to the world.”
Dani thanks Star readers for the “flood of messages” sent her way. “I’ve had a lot of messages wishing me better,” says Dani.
And Star readers have got their wish because Dani is better than ever. Thanks top two boob upgrades in the past month, Dani is better to the tune of 32DD. Dani says this is her “perfect size”.
And this is not all. Says Dani: “I’m learning really fast and I think I’ve got a 70—year-old’s head on my shoulders these days.”
Indeed, it’s not hard to imagine Dani walking down the swankier parts of Liverpool’s Albert Dock marina with the head of a 70-year-old ex-footballer resting on her shoulder, his mouth chomping on little blue diamond-shaped pills and dribbling down her new cleavage.
So says the Sun.
Jackiey Bunden, for it is she, is aboard a packed flight from Gatwick airport to Jamaica.
Passenger Steve Mitchell is also onboard. Steve is a financial controller.
Says he: “She was effing and blinding about not being fed, she was so loud the whole plane was bothered. I asked to be moved four times.”
And not moved closer to the celebrity but, one imagines, further away.
Adds Steve: “The supervisor had to be called. She was told in no uncertain terms that we would divert.”
Where the plane would have diverted to is not revealed. But it is thought the airline missed an opportunity to drop Jackiey onto Greenland.
Dressed in her stinging nettle bikini…