Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
JADE Goody has not gone away. She’s in the Sun. The paper looks on as Goody the Hoody bends over her son Bobby’s fourth birthday cake and gets green icing on her top. “SPONGEBOOB!” says the. And revenge is ours…
SAYS Big Brother reject Kinga in the Sport: “I’d actually like to see Charley stay in the house so we can see a nice side of her personality before she starts being hated.” Ah, the inevitability of it all…
As ever, much room for sticky debate on the Daily Sport’s foremost page.
The discussion is triggered by the presence in the Big Brother house of Sam and Amanda Marchant, two girls of whom the Sport’s Deano’s World column opines: “Those big Brother twins. Nothing a high calibre machine gun wouldn’t fix.”
But surely this is shooting the messenger. The real issue might be what kind of man would date twins? It’s high time we had a moratorium on such things before someone gets hurt.
On with the debate.
And, typical of the sport, there is no hanging about, not even a handshake before Kerry and Jo Burton (“The Burton Twins”) say they have shared the same fella. “Half the time he doesn’t know he’s with the wrong twin” says Kerry, the elder by 15 minutes (she got the first appointment at Messers nip ‘n’ Tuck’s clinic).
Kirby and Fallon Patterson agree. “There’s been the odd time where a bloke has come over, grabbed my bum and tried to kiss me thinking I was Fallon,” says Kirby.
And Rea and Tonya French say they always play ticks on men. “If we are in a nightclub, we love to confuse them,” says Rea.
The answer is that twins will share the same mate. And to look out for Sam and Amanda Marchant wooing Ziggy and getting told to get lost not once but twice…
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THE housemates had to rank themselves in order of attractiveness. “I’m going as number 1 or 2, blatantly,” said…
Can you guess?
She ended up as Number 1.
CHARLEY Itchea is making fun of the way Emily looks. Says Lesley: “”You were making fun of the way she looks and it’s not fair. Not everyone looks like you, Charley. One of the responsibilities of being good looking is to be considerate and kind to those who are not.” Hail The Brain – mistress of the ambiguous put down…
LOGO Chanelle is cosying up to Ziggy:
“I’m hungry again,” she says. “I’m always hungry. Suggest something.”
Eating? too easy. What would Victoria Beckham do? Any ideas..?
TONY Adams look-alike Tracey (is it the old England and Arsenal captain?) is into free expression and ‘avin it. The walking advert for banning raving for anyone over 30 is laying down the law.
So far she has warned the housemates: against wearing make-up; against not being themselves; and now against turning on the lights when she goes to bed early – “It’s disrespectful to do that. It’s not respectful for other people.” She wants housemates going to bed after her to put a shoe in the door and get dressed as quickly as possible and hop straight into bed.
But we say flick the light swith on and off and on and off and on, throw a bucket of mud on her head and tell her she’s not in Big Brother but having a bad trip in the Chieveley Service station, off the M4.
CAN you get impetigo on your feet? Carole is rationing the toilet paper, providing an insight into what the wimmin of Greenham Common did when they weren’t chewing the fence.
Chanelle: “And then, putting the toilet paper on the table where people put their feet! And we’re gonna have to use that toilet paper. And if someone’s got something disgusting on their feet, like impetigo, then we’ll get it… everywhere else!”
THE Mirror’s front-page introduces readers to “King Ziggy…before he was Biggy”.
There’s a picture of Big Brother’s Zac Lichman when he appeared in a school play.
The name of the show is not reported, but if pushed we’d say it was the school nativity and Zac is bringing the new-born bay-bee Jesus a golden handycam to record his life on. For it is written.
And who knew back then that Zac would go on to sing in the boy band Northern Line, a group named after the London Underground train line known locally as the “Misery Line”?
But Zac managed to cheer up a few hapless travellers. A source tells us Zac “slept with hundreds of women, he has had loads of orgies with fans”.
And this brought him into direct action with homemade porn star Abi Titmuss, reality TV singer and Darren Day ex Suzanne Shaw and Natasha Hamilton, who once sang with the band Atomic Kitten.
And now Ziggy is in the house, the only male among 11 women. Tony Parsons, writing in the Mirror, says Ziggy’s arrival is up there with David Attenborough squatting with the apes.
After this slight on Charley, her pelt and her housemates, Parsons says Ziggy’s appearance is in the “same league as the Sex Pistols swearing at Bill Grundy. It was the funeral of Churchill and David Bowie on Top of The Pops. And Simon fitting his phallic trampoline legs on The Apprentice rolled into one.”
Parsons recognises that TV is TV whatever the subject matter. The viewing experience is the same whether we are watching a state occasion or a reality TV show. TV homogenises all it broadcasts.
So Ziggy is Winston Churchill, dressed in a blonde wig, goaded by the stuffed shirt into doing something outrageous and miming to a song on the telly.
He’s made for TV…
Ziggy, il s’appelle ziggy
Je suis folle de lui
C’est un garçon pas comme les autres
The shock over why the Star should scream “FIGHT” where surely “BOUT” should sit pales when we see the pictures of Charley Itchea and Danielle Lloyd.
News is that Danielle is “at war” with “Big Bro bitch Charley”. Danielle has recently had her front reequipped with more impressive warheads. And Dani is wearing tight shorts not seen since the ravages of war forced the Hitler Youth to ration leather.
But before the two can rip into each other, we need to know why they are fighting.
Thankfully, the Star is happy to illuminate. Looking past Dani and Charley’s weapons of mass distraction, we read of “Dani’s bust-up with BB Charley”.
It seems that both women share “a love of footballers”. Not their money. Not their fame. Just the footballers.
And we are back in London’s Paper club. A tune had come on the stereo and Dani has jumped onto a table to dance. Charley follows suit. And like a pair of vibrating salt and pepper grinders Dani and Charley gyrate.
Dani topples to the floor. There is blood on her leg. Charley is amused. And now it is war.
And the battle should begin when Charley is booted from the house any moment soon.
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LESLEY thinks the big difference between her and the other housemates is her “containment”. And we just thought she was just old enough to be their grandma. You live and you learn…
ICHEA is not bovvered. Look at her face. Go on. Look at it. “They get on my f*ckin’ nerves,” she says. So she is bovvered. But she’s not an “ar*e sucker”. She’s not bovvered. She thinks Ziggy’s going for a “Tom Tank” in the Diary Room. Would this be a Big Brother first? And he’s sleeping next to Charley. He better not wake up “with his ar*e in my face”, says Charley. Why? For hitherto stated reasons? Or because Charley might mistake it for her hair?
EMILY had her first pair of skinny jeans three and half years ago. I had mine in 1976! In your face.
ARE the Germans in the adverts to make us like the housemates more? What the Germans think we think of them here
“YOU’RE cool as cats,” Ziggy tells Carole. Or at least as cool as a woman who lives with lots of cats…
“Every time I go out, I get told I look like someone new. Javine, Alesha from Misteeq, Destiny’s Child…”
…Charlie Richardson, Kieran Richardson, Kieran Dyer, Kier Hardy…
Spare Ziggy has been set the task of speed dating each housemate with a meal. And the burning question: if Chanelle is Victoria Beckham, will she eat? And will she say how she eat like a horse – you can lead a mare to water but you can’t make her retain the stuff…
ON Emily Parr in the People:
POSH Big Brother blonde Emily Parr gets her kicks from cocaine and kinky lesbian sessions, The People can reveal.
Pretty Emily, 19, looks every inch the middle-class graduate – but behind the well-spoken image she is a party girl spending up to £100 a night on cocaine.
“But?” Middle-class graduate spends money on cocaine? Can it be so..?
SAM and Amanda Marchant can sing. They can dance. They can walk in a straight-ish line…
BIG Brother’s Pinky & Perky, Amanda and Sam Marchant, are the subject of much polemic in the News of the World.We join the action after “a night of booze”. Lee Cowan is in bed with Amanda (Pinky & Perky)” at the home of the girls’ mum Janet. Unbeknownst to the lads the girls have swapped beds to see if their lovers notice any difference between them.
“It’s every man’s fantasy to be with a girl and her identical twin sister,” says Lee, an incest enthusiast. “Well, my mate Rich Minor and I lived it for real. These girls love sex. Sam and Amanda may dress up as angels for a laugh, but let me tell you, those girls are no angels.”
Girls who love sex? What perversion is this? But Lee is adamant that these teenage blondes actually enjoy sex. And they might even have enjoyed it with Lee.
Arse and Elbow
He goes on: “The girl I thought to be AMANDA was already in bed so I stripped off and climbed in beside her.
“At first she lay still. So I started by stroking her back then started sliding my hands over her body—I certainly through I recognised all the curves.”
Lee is an experienced groper. He recognises all the curves, spotting the difference between an arse and an elbow. Not wishing to delay the action, we return to Lee’s stroke-‘n’-tell…
Lee: “By now my hands were all over her and things were starting to get really steamy—and she was responding, moaning and groaning.”
Saying things like: “That’s my elbow, Lee”, “Have we don’t it yet?” and “What’s it with you an elbows?”
Lee continues: “By now I was getting really turned on and started to take things further, we were getting to boiling point…and that’s when I got an elbow in the face!”
Well, whatever turns you on, Lee…
“She screamed, ‘I’m SAM!’ I couldn’t believe it.”
Back to groping class for Lee. It seems that not all curves are the same after all.
Spot The Differences
“It was wild,” says Lee, who spots Ryan emerging from Amanda’s bedroom. “We ran out into the landing, stunned. The girls are so similar it’s impossible to tell the difference.”
But there must be something they do to set them apart, Lee? “They say they want a man sandwich, but the only sandwich I saw them make was a ‘Sammy’s Special Sandwich’ which she’d make thinking it was an amazing creation. It was bread with cheese and lettuce!”
That’s Sammy who is “definitely the more aggressive and moody”. Says Lee: “I think Sam will be the flirty one. She always gave the impression that all it would take to pull her would be to buy her a drink and a kebab. Amanda was the bigger challenge.”
Two drinks and a kebab?
Nasty Nick Bateman is in conversation:
After the Big Brother racism row during the last Celebrity BB, do you believe Jade Goody deserved the criticism she received?
“I do. She has been a veteran of these shows and she should know better. I have worked with her and in my opinion she is a bully.”
EMILY Parr is an aspiring actress. And according to her bio under “Additional Skills” she is:
“Actor, Talented Dancer, Good Mimic, chrous Singer, Fluent Spanish speaker, Good Public Speaker, Drawing, Painting, Football, Poetry, Harry Potter, Tennis, Waitress.”
Yeah. Harry Potter. That’s a skill. But what does she do with him?
And she will go naked. But “Only professionally”. And in the best possible taste…
Emily to win? Free bet…
CHANELLE told us: “I try to get at least two comments a day about how much I look like Victoria.”
That’s Victoria Beckham. Chanelle is a fan of Her Poshness. No, come on, Chanelle is THE fan of Posh. If anyone of us were told we looked like a constipated Pikenese twice a day, we’d hide away in small room and weep.
But Logo Chanelle likes Posh; she wants to look like David Beckham’s lollipop headed tick.
She’s been talking about marriage. “Anyway, I want my husband’s initial tattooed here,” says Chanelle to Ziggy. She points to her wrist, “and he’s gonna get mine tattooed there on the same one.”
Terry William Andrew Turner would be proud…
“I DON’T know what you’re talking about,” says Carole to Charley. “Don’t care. Couldn’t give a s***. I’m not getting into no arguments. It’s all f****** rubbish.”
This is Carole who told us: “I am gonna shake it something rotten and they will be shaking s***less. If people want an argument, here’s the f***ing argument!”
Charley wants an argument. Anyone else thinking Carole is all talk and no do – this year’s sexual terrorist…
Can it be that Ziggy’s dating – that has taken in reality TV stars Suzanne Shaw (Pop Idol) and Abi Titmuss (Love Island; Blue Peter Does Porn) – has been ramping up to this meeting with Carole?
As the Mirror’s front page says, Zac is “one for the ladies”.
And as the Sun reports, Zac calls himself a “randy and-up-for-it ladies’ man” and admits he hopes for romance in the house.
“He looks a bit like David Beckham. Maybe we’ll have a bit of Posh and Becks action in the house with Chanelle,” says Davina.
Says Ziggy: “I think Chanelle is very much my type… I fancy her. She seems like a sweet girl and she’s pretty.”
So look out for those two getting it on and Carole making animal noises while Emily does a passable impression of Rebecca Loos.
And, of course, Ziggy, is the only one allowed to nominate this week. On his nod hang so many lads mags’ photo spreads.
Such is the power…
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