Celebrities | Anorak - Part 365

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Suri Cruise Is Rosemary’s Baby – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography

tom-cruise-contract.jpgREPORTS the Mail: “Tom Cruise has become the de-facto second in command of the Church of Scientology, according to a new biography – which makes an extraordinary attack on the star by comparing his 20-month-old daughter Suri to the Devil’s child in the film Rosemary’s Baby.”

Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields criticises a passage in which Andrew Morton (Diana: Her True Story) claims some “fanatical” Scientologists believe Suri Cruise is the product of a sperm donation by Scientology’s dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

Which would, if the Rosemary’s Baby claim is true, make Hubbard the Devil.

Morton writes that Katie Holmes may feel she was in “the horror movie Rosemary’s Baby, in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child”.

Says Mr Fields: “It’s not being published in England. The American publishers criticised the libel laws in Britain because they require an author to tell the truth. Well, thank God for the British libel laws.”

katieposh.jpgFor his part, Cruise denies each of the claims, “and Scientology lawyers are believed to be drawing up a lawsuit seeking £50million in compensation from Morton’s publishers.”

Notes the Mail: “Morton says Cruise’s current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham.”

Although, our money is on the Beckhams recruiting Holmes and Cruise to their own brand of worship…

Pic: 14

Posted: 6th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)

Britney Spears: Suicide, Murder, Money, Health And Business

britney-spears-break-down.jpgBRITNEY Spears has stopped gibbering long enough to speak. And what she says is of great interest to the tabloids:

SUNDAY EXPRESS front page: “Britney: I’ll kill myself”



Chances are whoever she kills, the murders/suicide will be played out within range of the camera’s lens.

Meanwhile, the media works out what Britney means to us:

SPEARS MONEY: Hats off to the U.S. News & World Report blog which advises her to manage her money better.

Think about retirement. No, it’s not too early — Britney will probably want to retire one day, perhaps even earlier than the rest of us. (Those dance moves won’t be so easy in a couple of decades.) According to the Government Accountability Office, 12 percent of women over age 65 are living in poverty. For divorced women like Britney, the rate is even higher, at 21 percent.

SPEARS HEALTH: TV medic Dr. Phil is filming a special on Monday about Spears spiraling into a “personal hell”

SPEARS MEDIA: The Sunday Telegraph questions what it says about celebrity when a breakdown takes place before “cameras for the benefit of an insatiable public”

SPEARS BUSINESS: “Like Britney Spears’ reputation, CD sales declined dramatically in 2007 — 19 percent, to be exact”

SPEARS FAMILY: “However, witnesses are telling OK! that Brit’s best pal, who was at the singer’s house during the early hours of Thursday night’s standoff, is now 3,000 miles away in New York City, where Alli [Brit’s cousin] was spotted at Manhattan nightclub Tenjune”

SPEARS GUN LOBBY: “Report: Britney Had Two Guns In Her Home?”

SPEARS LAW: “A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ordered Spears’ children to be placed in the sole care of her ex-husband Kevin Federline, suspending the pop star’s visitation rights until “further order of the court”

Spears means so much. She might well mean everything…


Posted: 6th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7)

Britney Spears Locked Up For Life

britdown.jpgBRITNEY Spears is everywhere. Odd, perhaps, that with so much domestic talent – see the X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Stars in Their Bras – the UK press should focus on a sometime American singer.

DAILY MIRROR front page: “Out of control..refusing to hand over her kids..tied up in the back of an on suicide watch”




DAILY EXPRESS front page: “Britney has to be tied down after holding her bay sons hostage”

Such is her fame, Britney should consider running for US President. Or release another perfume: SECTION, a slightly antiseptic blend, with top notes of Linctus and frappe over a bed of rubber and starch.

A remake of her movie Crossroads should be considered, with Spears making a comeback every bit as sensational as that by Miss Diane, who starred in the original British version in the late 1970s.

Others will surely panic at the Spears impact on global warming, calculating that as each paparazzi flash gun pops, a polar bear inches closer to death. It is a cogent argument for leaving Britney well alone, if not locking her away for life.

Pic: 14

Posted: 5th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Spice Girls: Celebrity Quote Of The Day

spice-girls.jpgSAYS Spice Girl Geri Halliwell: “The truth of the matter is, to put on this tour has cost $37 million (£18.6 million). We have done this purely to celebrate our fans, the music and ourselves. This is not a money-making expedition. It really isn’t. Hopefully we will break even but it’s never been about that. If we take home a pay cheque that’s fantastic, but this is about party and celebration.”

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)

Britney Spears Baby 911 More Time

britney-spears.jpgBRITNEY Spears has been in a wig, a tutu, a mess and now she’s in the back of an ambulance.

The 26-year-old has been taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, as Entertainment Tonight reports.

Police say Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance.

Celebrity news websites and reported that the drama began when Spears failed to hand her two children over as arranged under a court-ordered custody agreement with Federline.

LAPD spokesman JASON LEE said: “Police were called to Britney Spears mansion this evening. She was refusing to hand the children over to their father as part of a court order. We were called and the situation is now what we call a Code 4 – which means everything is done.”

To the scene. And also in attendance are an ambulance, a fire engine and six police cars.

All bringers of law and order are racing to Chez Brit to say “I was there”, and give their versions of events to the news.

Celebrity watchers, paparazzi and stalkers are advised to join the emergency services and get closer to the action…

Picture: 14

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Leonardo DiCaprio Pans For Global Warming

WE last saw Leonardo DiCaprio on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. He was stood on a lump of ice.

The message was that the world was melting and unless we all act NOW DiCaprio will revisit the drowning scene from Titanic – literally. DiCaprio will be undone by a rogue iceberg once more.

We last heard DiCpario in the Sun, when he told us: “Ultimately it’s about driving our governments and our corporations to infuse ecology into every day livings standards.”

Now we see DiCaprio in the Star, where the news is that he is the proud owner of a remote controlled toilet.

Wires and such like mean the seat, which flips open whenever Leo approaches, like a penguin chick at feeding time, is warmed.

Six seconds after he has got up, the seat closes, although at what speed is unsaid. (Curry munchers and those suffering from tummy upsets should take note.)

A blast of water and then air clean the DiCaprio recesses. A built-in deodoriser kills off any “pongs”.

As the Star says: “The waste-saving superstar toilet meets all Leo’s environmentally friendly standards.”

Indeed. All waste material is relocated to the Artic tundra via a pipeline and used as bedding for orphaned polar bears and to construct a Papier-mâché visitor centre…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Big Brother Jade Goody Kebab Repeats

JADE Goody is back. Not that she ever went away. Like spilt milk on a Taxi’s back seat, Jade just sunk in deeper in to the fabric and curdled; hard to ignore; demanding to be dealt with.

Jade is on the Star’s cover page. “JADE BACK IN CELEB BIG BROTHER,” says the headline. Jade is pictured, as ever, with her mouth ajar.

Readers learn that last night the show Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack began, a change from last year’s Big Brother: Celebrity Bigotry.

But the show’s fans are nostalgic and the Star finds one commenter on a website who screams: “Bring Back Jade Goody!”

Ms Goody is not available for comment, appearing on Celebrity Keep-Fit Video Makers In Tenerife, presented by Kilroy.

But if she is required to breathe fresh life into the moribund show, she should be invited to stand before a blue screen and repeat a variety of phrases to see which garners the most outrage…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Jordan’ s American SubTITles

NEWS that Jordan’s reality TV has to be translated for Americans come as no great shock.

It is not only the Spanish-speaking Americans who cannot understand Jordan but also the English speakers who are unable to understand what Jordan means when she says “Saw m’tits on da tealy”, “Shaggin wiv Peetes awl weely seaxy” and “The use of autonomous decision-making robots, particularly for military use is something that is cause for concern”…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)

David Beckham’s Ruud Awakening

WHO knew that Ruud Gullit would be delivering his “sexy football” to David Beckham’s Los Angeles Galaxy team?

The two have more in common than just football. In Hello!, Gullit shows the world his Amsterdam home where “pride of place” goes to a certificate her received from Nelson Mandela.

Beckham has also met Mandela. Everyone has to meet Mandela, it being a rite of celebrity passage. At any moment of the day, there is a line of twenty five celebrities stood outside Mandela’s home waiting to meet the man.

Some will get a certificate, others a photo to cherish or a £10 book token and the advice to be good.

Back to Gullit who tells us: “Celebrity does not impress me… I think many people confuse LA with Hollywood. It is a big city, people work, they do not spend their lives going to parties.”

So what about David Beckham? “He is just another player to me,” says Gullit, “I am looking forward to working with the whole team.” It’s not all about David Beckham.

“How well do you know, David?” asks Hello!. Then: “David has drawn criticism in England for posing in his pants for an Armani ad campaign. Ho do you feel about that?”

Says Estelle Gullit, Ruud’s wife: “When I first met Victoria Beckham, I thought ‘My God,. She is so slim.!”

Slim. Nothing of it. Vicky’s just anther working mum bring up her kids in LA…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (2)

Delta Goodrem Is Up For It

TRADITIONS. When Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden talk about their wedding to Hello!, Delta says she is a “traditional girl”.

And being traditional, she and Brian will write their own wedding vows. Delta would also like it on the record that Brian likes her to wear her hair up…

Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment (1)

Donna Karan’s Relatively Delicious Night

IS it a record? To the launch of Delicious Night, a new fragrance by DKNY, the maker of clothes.

For those of you who don’t know what designer Donna Karen smells like when she’s in New York of an evening, know that it “opens with an irresistible cocktail of Frozen Pomelo stirred with signature notes of Crushed Ginger and a Chilled Blackberry Martini Accord”.

(For those of you keen to make this a multi-sensory feature, we advise spritzing some bitter lemon and Ribena on a fiftysomething woman’s ginger snap and inhaling. For added New York authenticity, have a friend give you the finger and ask for a tip.)

But this launch party in London Serpentine Gallery is overshadowed by the guests, who all seem to be relatives of someone more famous and successful.

Lord Frederick Windsor (Her Majesty The Queen) is with Sophie Winkleman (sister to TV presenter Claudia Winkleman, who is in turn daughter to former Editor of the Sunday Express, Eve Pollard.)

Also present are Alice Rothschild (a member of the Rothschild dynasty), Leah Wood (daughter to Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones), Peaches Geldof (daughter to Bob Geldof), Sting’s children Jake and Mickey and Savannah Miller (Sienna Miller’s sister). All are pictured.

The effect is like arriving for a friend’s teenage party and finding you’ve been sent the wrong invite and wandered into his younger brother’s fifth birthday do. Carrying a pomelo…

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comment

Grazia Does Post Modernity

LOOKING for something to comment upon in this week’s Grazia, the Anorak was unable to find much by way of content.

Perhaps the magazine is engaged in a post modern experiment to reflect what it features within. In which instance as well as being thin it should be shrink wrapped and sprayed orange.

Although Laura Crack does tell us “Why cocoon is the new smock”, so enabling nuns and vestal virgins to keep abreast of new trends. And the new body look is called “size sleek”, advising women to be tall and thin, making the short and fat soooo last season…

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Grazia | Comments (4)

Jennifer Aniston’s Exclusive Womb


This Jennifer is of course, what with this being the National Enquirer, Jennifer Aniston. And the shocker is that she is or is not pregnant.

That Jennifer Aniston may or may not be pregnant is a “world exclusive”. It’s very likely the biggest world exclusive of the year so far, more exclusive than “Mel Gibson Might Be Jewish”, “Madonna Gets Older By The Day” and “Will We All Be Speaking French in 2010?”

And it keeps on getting more exclusive when we learn that Aniston will only get pregnant by “sperm”, so ruling half of you out.

Still more exclusive, is that the sperm should be produced by a human male.

Filtering down the ovarian tube of sensation, we happen upon one Jason Lewis, a model-turned-actor.

Failing that, there is Vince Vaughn, or boxer-turned-model Paul Sculfor.

We would go on but to do so could jeopardise the exclusivity of Jennifer’s womb and open it up to just about anyone…

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (10)

Ways Of A Modern Celebrity: The Boast Card

IS everyone at the beach?

The modern celebrity winters in the sun, not on the boards in Bridlington and Bournemouth.

The modern celebrity is no longer one of us, cracking jokes about cold wind, a troublesome chest and cracked nuts.

The modern celebrity is in the sunshine, sending back boast cards of how they are looking fit, tanned and having a terrific time overseas.

The Sun shows readers its pictures of Kelly Brook in a bikini diving beneath the waves and showing her backside to the fans back home…

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment

Big Brother Talent Spotting

“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.

But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.

She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.

Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.

Where is the real talent, you cry?

Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons – both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?

Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)

Knut Jobs: Suri Cruise Talks To Polar Bears

WE should look at Suri Cruise and Knut the polar bear in the context of global warming.

The environment has turned up some odd bedfellows, but surely the daughter of the world’s leading celebrity scientologist and an abandoned German polar bear called Knut (silent ‘K’) beats even the usual mix of millionaires – Zac Goldsmith, Al Gore, David Cameron – jetting about the world telling the poor fools, (you) how to cycle to work.

People magazine reports that the Animation Picture Company has offered the Berlin Zoo $5 million for the rights to Knut the polar bear’s story, reports People magazine.

Producer Ash R. Shah says: “With his friendly character, he’s serves as an ambassador for the Earth’s problems – climate change and the melting polar ice caps. A movie about Knut would affect people all over the world.”

Especially those people with access to a cinema and looking for something new after a kangaroo (Skippy), Flipper (Dolphin) and Lassie (Come Home) hung up their nervous ticks.

Perhaps all four could join forces and summon each and every one of us to help by twitching those noses. What’s that, Knut? We are fallen down the abandoned mine shaft and in need of help? The well is filling with melted ice?

What’s more, Shah wants Suri Cruise to voice Knut. Says he: “I see the heartwarming relationship between Knut and his caretaker, Thomas Doerflein, at the centre of the movie… Suri [Cruise] could speak the English voice of Knut.”

We are unsure if Suri, aged two, can speak English, nor if Knut, who’s just turned one, has an agent.

Indeed, both may require more adult supervision, possibly with Suri’s father Tom Cruise playing the role of the aforesaid Skippy, jumping about all over the place and demanding attention…

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jessica Simpson’s Quote Of The Year

CELBRITY Quote Of The Year, by Jessica Simpson: “Writing is a release for me. It’s a way for me to tell my story. That’s not to say I wouldn’t record a song that I didn’t write. It’s just that it has been a while since I have opened the book.”

File under “Beyond Parody”

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Slash On Michael Jackson

SLASH, of Guns ‘n’ Roses is talking about Michael Jackson:

He tells Uncut Magazine , “You know, I give the benefit of the doubt to Michael on everything – innocent until proven guilty and whatnot – but I was thinking, okay Michael, you figure out your shit and I’ll hold on to my son!”

That’s right. Slash, the native of Stoke-on-Trent. And you thought he was dead…

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Gordon Smart’s Hang On Celebrity Awards

gallagher.jpegSLOW news day? No pictures of Britney Spears holding a coffee, Paris Hilton standing up or Amy Winehouse buying a newspaper?

Gordon Smart, the Sun’s professional showbiz hanger oner knows that to do.

All hail Gordon’s awards. And the top award goes to Noel Gallagher, the Oasis front man, who not only accepts the framed Sun front-cover in person but allows Smart to have a drink with him.

Anyone who wants to be considered for an award, and is free on Tuesday evenings, can contacts Smart on the usual number…

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

The Beckhams Bun Fright

david-beckham.pngYOU will be wondering what David Beckham and his wife Victoria have been getting up to.

“GIRL’S BUN GOOD…AND DAVID’S A GREY,” says the Mirror’s front page.

David Beckham has worn a number of hairstyles over the years, and Beckham watchers will recall the bun he wore against Manchester City.

First impressions are that Beckham has lost his way, run out of ideas and been forced to look for moments of nostalgia. First the bun, then the Mohican and finally the black wig he wore when playing the Shepherd/Saudi Prince No.3 in his school’s nativity play.

It turns out, though, that it is David’s wife, Victoria, who has placed her hair in a bun.

Day-vid has opted to keep his hair shot. And the Mirror’s news, echoed by the Sun’s front-page headline, is that Beckham is showing his age. He has gone gray.

No small shock. Indeed, Beckham may be the first person with gray hair to ever appear on the Sun and Mirror’s front pages, and be noticed…

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Anorak’s Celebrity Trends Of 2007

BIGGEST Celebrity Trend:

* Secret Pregnancies – 34%
* DUI – 32%
* Entering Rehab – 27%
* Adopting -6%


Anorak’s list:

* Bi-Polar Illness
* Smaller Massive Breasts
* Celebrity Perfumes
* Talent. Talent. Talent

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Who Wants To Be In A Pub With Chris Tarrant?

millionaire.jpgTO the pub for a game on the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Quiz machine (top payout £20).

Says Christ Tarrant who presents the show on TV. “If I’m in a strange pub and people are playing Millionaire, I’ll snake up behind.”

He taps them on the shoulder, as the Sun notes, and asks: “Is that your final answer.”

At which juncture, they turn around and with the clock ticking on their game, and their money running out, glass him..?

Says Chris: “I did it a few weeks ago. They absolutely wet themselves and spill their beer.”

And then glassed him..?

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)

Pamela Anderson Has A Blog

pamelaanderson.jpgPAMELA Anderson has a New Year’s message. Every word is a satrisit’s work of art. No need to change a word:

“Happy New Year

I know 2008 will bring all your wildest dreams.
2007 was an interesting year for me.
What’s the definition of insanity?
This is the year I do everything I wanted to do – my way.
I have so many great projects – for the environment- for animals.
I’m going to be proud of every single day- and make sure I do not veer from the path.
Stay focused. Love and blessings
– P”

Here’s to 2008…

Posted: 1st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)

Tabloid Dreams: Britney Spears Versus Lindsay Lohan


BRITNEY Spears V Lindsay Lohan: A Tabloid Dream for 2008.

The contry gets the leaders it deserves…

Happy Same Old Year…

Posted: 1st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Hollywood Double Acts: Kevin Federline And Paris Hilton

britney-federline.jpgNEWS that Britney Spears is facing “more upset” because her ex-husband K-Ferret is cavorting with Paris Hilton is not all that surprising.

Although the Sun is shocked into placing the story on its Page 3, experienced Hollywood watchers realise that a Hilton-Federline pact was always possible, if not likely.

A review of 2007 tabloid entertainment news, reveals that as many as seven celebrities live in Hollywood, or eight whenever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apart…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)