Celebrities | Anorak - Part 365

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Who Wants To Be In A Pub With Chris Tarrant?

millionaire.jpgTO the pub for a game on the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Quiz machine (top payout £20).

Says Christ Tarrant who presents the show on TV. “If I’m in a strange pub and people are playing Millionaire, I’ll snake up behind.”

He taps them on the shoulder, as the Sun notes, and asks: “Is that your final answer.”

At which juncture, they turn around and with the clock ticking on their game, and their money running out, glass him..?

Says Chris: “I did it a few weeks ago. They absolutely wet themselves and spill their beer.”

And then glassed him..?

Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Pamela Anderson Has A Blog

pamelaanderson.jpgPAMELA Anderson has a New Year’s message. Every word is a satrisit’s work of art. No need to change a word:

“Happy New Year

I know 2008 will bring all your wildest dreams.
2007 was an interesting year for me.
What’s the definition of insanity?
This is the year I do everything I wanted to do – my way.
I have so many great projects – for the environment- for animals.
I’m going to be proud of every single day- and make sure I do not veer from the path.
Stay focused. Love and blessings
– P”

Here’s to 2008…

Posted: 1st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Tabloid Dreams: Britney Spears Versus Lindsay Lohan


BRITNEY Spears V Lindsay Lohan: A Tabloid Dream for 2008.

The contry gets the leaders it deserves…

Happy Same Old Year…

Posted: 1st, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Hollywood Double Acts: Kevin Federline And Paris Hilton

britney-federline.jpgNEWS that Britney Spears is facing “more upset” because her ex-husband K-Ferret is cavorting with Paris Hilton is not all that surprising.

Although the Sun is shocked into placing the story on its Page 3, experienced Hollywood watchers realise that a Hilton-Federline pact was always possible, if not likely.

A review of 2007 tabloid entertainment news, reveals that as many as seven celebrities live in Hollywood, or eight whenever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apart…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

America’s Most Annoying: Rosie O’Donnell, Paris Hilton Or Britney Spears?

rosie-odonnell.jpgA SURVEY by Parade magazine says most Americans think Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s “little Violet Affleck” is “the most adorable celebrity baby (36%).

Little Violet beats Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri Cruise (20%), Brad and Angelina’s daughter, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (18%), Anna Nicole Smith Larry Birkhead’s daughter, Dannielynn Smith (17%), and Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s son Kingston (9%).

Violet’s achievement is all the more remarkable given that their daughter’s name is not a product of a god complex, a browse through travel brochures or a game of Pictionary.

No small irony is announcing over the PR wires that the award for the most-overexposed celebrity award goes to Miss Britney Spears (50%), who earn some more exposure. Here’s to 2008!

Other news is that 44% of Parade respondents think US TV presenter and actress Rosie O’Donnell is the most annoying celebrity, more annoying than Paris Hilton (24%), Ann Coulter (16%), Heather Mills McCartney (12%) and Perez Hilton (4%).

All of them may be less annoying than Kerry Katona or Victoria Beckham, but of them neither figure in the poll.

Such results are rooted in a fickle public and should O’Donnell have a child called Petunia she will be made less annoying than Hillary Clinton, or if she can play someone loved, like Oprah Winfrey, in film…

Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Perez Hilton Talkes Spots Perez Hilton

perez-hilton.jpgSLOW news day in the celebrity world.

No-one to show walking into a toilet, putting her hair in a bun or smoking a fag?

On the Perez Hirton website, readers learn: “Spotted: Cute and funny homo Mo Rocca at gay lounge The Ritz on Saturday night in NYC. Also there: Perez Hilton. Yes, we just spotted ourself!”

Perez Hilton now talks about himself in the third person.

The celeb spotter has gone native…

Were we natives of the Ritz, NYC, we may find some joy in the news. To them Hilton and Rocca are local celebrities, a bit like living close to Iain Duncan Smith or sharing a dry cleaners with Jimmy Savile.

Of course, New York is awash with celebs and spotting one is not too tricky. Had Hilton or Rocca appeared in Bridlington, we would surely have experinced a genuine thrill – if we’d recognsied them or had an excited local point them out…
Pic: The Perez Hilton punching bag by 14

Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

A Christmas Carole: Home Malone

carole-malone.jpg“SO there I was on Christmas morning tearing into my presents wondering what The Husband has come up with this year,” writes the News of the World’s Carole Malone.

“Thank you for the gift of five chickens and a cockerel,” says the note in envelope No. 1. “Thank you for clearing a minefield – 10sq metres is now safe once more thanks to the gift given in you name.”

Malone, who featured on Celebrity Big Brother, is touched at what has been done to those poor Africans in her name.

“And in a society that’s consumed by materialism, that’s increasingly all about Me, Me, Me, and at a time of year when we’re obsessed with ourselves, I thought it was a pretty fantastic thing to do.”

It’s not all about Me, Me, Me. Says Carole Malone, who goes on to say that her mother died before last Christmas, “We were broke every Christmas”, her dad used to work for the electricity board”, I love giving presents etc.

She then says David Beckham is “more than a tad self obsessed”, telling us that The Husband doesn’t care for fashion, “I have one pair of black trousers”, etc…

Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Benazir Bhutto And Me: The Celebrity Leader I Knew

cleo_rocos.jpgBENAZIR Bhutto is dead. Killed by her car’s sunroof.

Her supporters have sworn vengeance on the makers of her car, the suppliers of the lever which delivered the fatal blow and sunroofs the world over.

Bhutto’s husband says: “She was killed from bullets…no point even to comment on the other stuff.”

Baitullah Mehsud denies any involvement in the murder. “They attack was not launched by us,” says a spokesman for the al-Qaeda warlord. “We are only against America and don’t consider leaders of Pakistan our enemy.”

Amid such confusion we crave clarity. And the News of the World duly calls upon former Celebrity Big Brother star Cleo Rocos to tell us about Bhutto And Me.

“We must have looked an odd couple,” says Rocos. “Me with my flash of red hair and designer clothes, her swathed in headscarf and sunglasses [supermarket own brand].”

Rocos tells us that Bhutto was “full of fun and mischief”. She once confided: “A girl can never have too many tinned tomatoes.” Rocos took her for dinner at the Ivy restaurant. It as Bhutto’s first time. Perhaps it as her last.

“She loved her Cadbury’s Fruit And Nut chocolate and cooking her Baked Alaska using meringues, fruit and piles of ice cream. I’ve got her special recipe.” (Et voila! Le Bombe Surprise, Mr Bond.)

Readers learn that “hauntingly” Bhutto’s political hero was “the assassinated John F. Kennedy”.

He never knew Cleo Rocos. But he did know Marilyn Monroe…

Picture: Rocos faces down a bearded fundamentalist

The War On Terror

Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The World’s Best Celebrity Humanitarian

orphancart.jpgWHO is the best celebrity humanitarian? It is a rhetorical question. Keep your guesses to yourself. We have the answer.

Given the chatter from the Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu, who cut up his dog collar on the telly, the Opposition’s housing spokesman Grant Shapps spending Christmas Eve sleeping rough and Tony Blair’s No. 10 career, celebrity humanitarians are our religious and political leaders.

But none of them feature on the Reuters poll. The world’s top celebrity humanitarian is…Angelina Jolie, pipping Mr G9 himself, Bono, to the title.

The rest are: 3. Desmond Tutu; 4. Bill Gates; 5. Bill Clinton; 6. Jimmy Carter; 7. Kofi Annan; 8. Mia Farrow; 9. Don Cheadle (actor); 10. Brad Pitt.

That’s four actors, one pop star, one tycoon, one religious leader and three politicians.

To the respondents of the Reuters poll they are all celebrities, like Kerry Katona, Osama Bin Laden and Mel Gibson – all are eligible for an appearance on a chatshow, TV gameshow or pro-celebrity ice dancing contest.

Or they could think big – how about a TV presenting job..?

Posted: 29th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Alesha Dixon’s Dirty Dancing

SAYS pro-celebrity dance champion Alesha Dixon in FHM magazine: “Most people on Strictly are really horny all the time. You’re groped for five hours a day, hips rubbing together, hands everywhere. It’s like foreplay.”

Or the school disco…

Posted: 29th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Bounty Bar: National Enquirer Overlooks Dog The Bounty Hunter

dog-hunter.jpgTHE National Enquirer “Scandals of 2007” finds no space for Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman, known to tens of satellite TV viewers as Dog The Bounty Hunter.

Dog, who resembles a flayed and boiled Dr Zaius, from Planet of the Apes, makes a living chasing bad guys down in his oversized truck while in the company of his progeny and his separated-at-birth wife Beth.

Dog apologized for his transgression. His son had taped his dad telling him to stop dating a black girl, because she was a “f***ing n***er”. The boy sold the recording for a reported $15,000 to the Enquirer, which now overlooks the incident.

As the storm broke, Dog issued one of the best apologies of all time: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people.”

Dog is so cool with black people he calls them all niggers. It’s not his fault, you see. His words are taken out of context. Had the tape rolled on we would have heard Dog call not only his son’s girlfriend a “fucking nigger” but his black friends too. The Dog does not discriminate.

He went on, mewling like a scalded sharpei: “There’s a special connection that I thought I had between me and black America. And I used to say, ‘I’m black, too.’

“In other words, my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that…so when I stood there and said, ‘I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too,’ that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers…say the word.”

The Dog dares to empathise. Bounty hunter: Bounty bar – black on the outside and white within.

drzaius.jpg “I now learned I’m not black at all, and I never did it out of hate. This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, ‘Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.’ And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.”

And TV producers would take his show off the air and the Enquirer would forget to include him in its review of the year…And, no, it is not because he is black…

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (14) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Celebrity Jail Mate: Doherty, Winehouse, Lohan And The Usual Suspects

paris-hilton-jail.jpgTHE Star’s feature on which star will be jailed in 2008 is equipped with pictures of Paris Hilton, Peter Doherty, Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.

In Anorak’s experience you should never bet on such things. All aforesaid stars, aside from Winehouse, who has been helping the police with their enquiries, have been in choky.

And it has not done them any harm. It might even be argued that jail has added to their careers, given them a chatshow anecdote, a defining moment on which to hang a new autobiography.

If we were to bet on contestants for Celebrity Jail Mate, we’d put our money on stars yet to be arrested, ones possibly on the way down the showbiz ladder.

Doherty is the bookies’ favourite. Lohan is at 12-1. But what price Anthea Turner being sent down, or Kerry Katona..?

Pic: 14 

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Robbie Williams Can Comeback Now

robbie-williams.jpg ROBBIE Williams opens his mouth and gives full throat to Let Meeeee Entertayne Yoo.

This is Robbie’s “revenge”. As the front page of the Star reports Robbie Williams is to embark on a “£150m REVENGE TOUR”. He is to become “the biggest comeback king of all time”. He is to “prove he is bigger than his old band Take That”.


You only really know a pop act has departed and gone out of favour when they announce their comeback. For Williams to have comeback is to admit that he went away.

Pop fans cling to the hope that The Sweet are just in the studio working on new material, that The Clash have been performing in smaller secret venues for years and Abba are to play at next year’s Eurovision extravaganza.

To thrill at Williams’ comeback is to realise that you have not moved with the times. You still sport Chinese tattoos, wear white vests and body pop.

And you wonder if in your dotage, you and your comrades will be sat in the care home dribbling out a sing-along version of oldie-but-goodie Angels and the timeless Millennium…

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

David Beckham Comes Down To Earth

DAVID Beckham has “the biggest carbon footprint in the world”.

More importantly, as the Star reports: “During a four-month period over the summer, he was reported to have spent at least eight full days in the air”.

Only eight. How the star has come down to Earth…

Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Abi Nude Year

abi-titmuss.JPG“BUSTY Abi Titmuss is putting her boobs away – for good.”

So says the Sun in a piece entitled “Titmus boobs to retire”.

Titmuss is the former nurse who rose to prominence as daytime telly presenter John Leslie rose to the challenge on a home movie. Titmuss then had her breasts augmented and took to showing them off.

Now she says: “There’s more to me than just what you see.” Indeed, there is what goes inside, which in this season of Christmas we might call the stuffing. “I’ve grown up a lot.”

Says Abi: “I’m finding something inside myself which is a lot more grounded and spiritual.”

Sounds like Abi’s implants have discovered God…

Posted: 27th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Oil Slick: On The Beach With Paris Hilton And Brandon Davis

davis-brothers.jpgGORDON Smart, the Sun’s new showbiz writer, presses F9 on his keyboard and come up with picture of Paris Hilton on the beach.

He presses it again and gives his readers the scoop of two pictures of Paris Hilton on the beach.

Paris is on the beach with sister Nicky, dad Rick, brothers Barron and Conrad and “pals” Brandon and Jason Davis. Brandon and Jason are scions of an oil dynasty.

Bandson is often seen with oily hair – the oil heir – and heard spouting (video) off about famous people he knows. Jason resembles an overfed shorn sheep. Both live on inherited wealth.

Anorak’s friend 14 has produced an artistic representation of the Davis brothers for your interest…

Posted: 27th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Britneys Spears’ Sisters Teenage Kicks

jamielynnspears.jpgSTAR Magazine reports the claim that one Casey Aldridge is not the father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

Jamie Lynn is, of course, 16-year-old singer/actress sister to Britney Spears, who has, to the best of our knowledge, never had sexual relations with young Casey, who, in turn, has never released a rap album and given full throat to the line “I want to see your kitty and a little bit of titty– want to know where I go when I’m your city?”

A source tells the magazine: “Casey is being paid off to be the family’s fall guy while the real father remains unidentified. The man many suspect is the father, however, would face charges and probably prison time if he were to come forward and admit he had sex with her.”

There is something unpleasant about talk of sex when a teenage girl is pregnant. Old Mr Anorak would rather believe she just got that way by staying up late watching horror films, smoking, sitting indoors watching daytime telly on sunny says, wearing too much make-up, drinking Malibu and texting at restaurant tables.

Jamie Lynn is a teenager. And that means it’s not Casey’s fault, nor the fault of the mystery man. And it’s certainly not her own fault. It is YOUR fault.

And if you – and you know who you are – want to illustrate the news of a teenage pregnancy with pictures of sexually active teenage girls, then so be it…

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Will Smith On Hitler’s Men In Black

men-in-black.jpgWILL Smith in Hitler Storm. Tabloid Baby takes a look:

It all began on the afternoon of Christmas Eve when gossip site TMZ blew out the office candles after leaving a smelly package on the Internet doorstep, headlined:

Will Smith — Hitler, Schmitler;
He Wasn’t That Bad

The story (we can’t find the exact verbiage—it’s been changed several times in the past day and a half) claimed “a leading Jewish group is kvetching loudly about Will Smith’s recent suggestion that Adolf Hitler wasn’t all bad.”

The leading Jewish group? The JDL. As in Jewish Defense League, the extreme militant that in the past has been criticized by the real leading Jewish group, the Anti-Defamation League—the ADL– for presenting a “gross distortion” of the real situation of American Jews. Put it this way: calling the JDL a “a leading Jewish group” is the equivalent of a major news organization citing TMZ as a serious news source…

And of course the JDL statement wouldn’t have gotten much traction or attention if not for TMZ’s exuberance in branding Will Smith the new Mel Gibson. And that’s where TMZ went very wrong. They didn’t have Will saying anything about Hitler on tape. One of the TMZ thugs with a home video camera didn’t goad Will into saying something stupid as he stumbled out of a Hollywood nightspot (remember Chelsea Handler).

No, the quote is attributed to “a Scottish paper.”

First rule of tabloid: Never cite a British— especially not a Scottish (or Irish– see Tiger Woods) tabloid— as a source when setting out to smear anyone’s hardwon reputation (let alone the star of the #1 movie). In this case, the Daily Record article didn’t even make hay out of the the alleged quote. It was buried in the final graphs:

Remarkably, Will believes everyone is basically good.

“Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘let me do the most evil thing I can do today’,” said Will. “I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good’. Stuff like that just needs reprogramming.

“I wake up every day full of hope, positive that every day is going to be better than yesterday. And I’m looking to infect people with my positivity. I think I can start an epidemic.”

That’s the quote– if you believe the quote is accurate. And today, Smith’s people are apparently disputing that, but too late, because TMZ’s already infected the media and started a TMZ-positive epidemic.

And, as usual, the morning, as TMZ’s corporate overlords awaken from their holiday to see that the weekend crew has gone and done it again, harming clients from other tentacles of the megaconglomerate, Harvey’s cowardly idiots are in full, vulgar, backtrack mode:

Will Smith — Reporters Just Don’t Understand

Will Smith is slamming a Scottish paper — after one of its reporters twisted a quote he gave about Adolf Hitler in an interview — and kicked up an unnecessary Internet s**tstorm.

Smith called the The Daily Record’s quote “an awful and disgusting lie,” and through his rep said he is “incensed and infuriated to have to respond to such a ludicrous misinterpretation. Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on his planet.” Men in backtrack!

But the best line is saved for last. After kicking up its own “unnecessary s**tstorm,” TMZ is finally doing its reportorial diligence— picking up the phone to confirm the story before going with it:

TMZ called the Daily Record, and we’re trying to reach the reporter, Siobhan Synnot, whose byline is on the offending article, but haven’t heard back.

Says Smith:  “It is an awful and disgusting lie,” Smith said in a statement Monday provided by his publicist. “It speaks to the dangerous power of an ignorant person with a pen. I am incensed and infuriated to have to respond to such ludicrous misinterpretation.

“Adolf Hitler was a vile, heinous vicious killer responsible for one of the greatest acts of evil committed on this planet.”

Sugar tits…

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Doctor Is In For Britney Spears

britney-spears-birthday.jpg“BRITNEY appears to be crazy,” says “a top Hollywood shrink”.

But at rates changed by the half hour, Marty Brenner needs to say more. Or at least rub his chin, narrow his eyes and, possibly, tap a pen on his temples.

Says Brenner, in the New York Post, relayed across the Atlanic by the Sun: “She is disconnected from life. She’s losing it now, and she’s going to eventually lose it altogether if she doesn’t get the help she needs.

And then to show how in tune he is with celebrity culture, Brenner offers: “She’s exhibiting bipolar signs and she’s clearly fighting depression.”

Bi-polar is the No.1 celebrity condition of 2007, and has been linked to global warming, Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy and polar bears.

Twenty-nine minutes into the consultation. Says Brenner: “She has a major problem”…

A major, major, major… MAJOR…problem of major…”

Parp! Time up!

Picture: 14

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Celebrity Quote of The Day: David Beckham

beckham-anorak.jpgSAYS Day-vid Beckham: “I’m very organised and controlled and need to go to bed at night knowing what I’m going to wear the next morning.”

Members of the Anorak Ramblers Creme de Menthe Appreciation Society and Shane McGowan (hon. member) nod in agreement. We often know what we will be wearing the next day, and sometimes for the entire weekend…

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

A Guide To Fake Breasts: Bristol Fashion

IN “I want to be huge like Jordan”, Sophie Price, sister to Katie Andre, nee Katie Price, shows Sun readers her knickers and bra.

Sophie is not one to take risks, securing the top of her knickers with a belt. Were Sophie to diversify into camisoles and vests, we imagine she’d tuck the hem into said knickers for added security.

Says Sophie: “I’ve already started looking at places to have my boob job…I’d just like to go a bit bigger, maybe one size up to a C cup. I really like the bullet boob look at the moment.”

Research is all. But until Channel 4 brings us the 100 Best Breasts, a show illustrated in the Daily Telegraph by shots of John Prescott (No, 53), Samantha Fox (24) and Kate Winslet (No. 1), Sophie’s choice is complex.

She professes an interest in the bullets, a hard-tipped breast that comes in a pack of six.

But mistakes can be costly. Today’s cutting-edge breast design is tomorrow’s Hinderburg, Betamax or Simon Cowell. Anorak has put together a list of breasts currently in vogue.

Bristol Fashion:

The Magazine Rack – Fit your rolled up copy of OK! magazine in between your new breasts and leave both hands free

The Kleev Itch – Breasts that say NO to a metric Europe

Hooters – Comedy breasts (see Gazzas) that light up a dull day

Yoob Tube – Breasts best viewed on a four-inch square internet screen

Thrupenny Bits – Discount breasts

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Amy Winehouse Headline Maker

amy-winehouse-4.jpg“AMY WINEHOUSE’S hubby is using a smuggled phone to make illegal calls from jail,” reports the Sun.

No-one likes a grass. But Amy Winehouse has forced the paper’s hand. Other headlines were in the offing for the Winehouse Christmas but the day passed without incident.

So the paper’s Gordon Smart pressed F9 on his keyboard and came up with a headline – “Amy’s husband has cell phone” – and then set about finding the story.

Other headlines prayed for but not used:

Amy’s white out Christmas” – Winehouse flight delayed by fog
Mistletoe and Winehouse” – Cliff Richard prays for Amy
Mullered Winehouse” – Amy enjoys a Christmas drink

And many more – your suggestions please…

Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Amy Winehouse’s Jailhouse Rocks

amy-winehouse-drugs.jpgAMY Winehouse’s husband, the incarcerated Blake Fielder Cricket, has failed a drugs test.

Which means he is in the Sun, so too Amy.

It also means that and that Winehouse and Cricket are not allowed to touch, a bullet-proof glass screen draw between them at visiting time.

The Sun says Winehouse is “known to hide drugs in her birds-nest hairdo when on stage”, offering a ready excuse for signs of itchy, flaky looking scalp…

PRODUCT recall – Writes 14 (see picture): “LONDON – The U.K. Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform and Amy Winehouse’s parents today announced an involuntary recall of one of the worst celebrity-endorsed holiday gifts in history: the singing Amy Winehouse Snow Globe. Despite initial high demand from music fans and celebrities such as Pete Doherty, who was spotted trying to break open a Snow Globe, the product’s constant malfunctions have prompted an onslaught of returns to stores and an immediate recall.

The snow globe has a number of defects. The more snow it inhales, the more magnified they become, including: slurring the words to “White Christmas”; spitting and swearing at onlookers; forgetting its shirt; and failing to perform altogether, even when wound up.

Amy’s parents demand that consumers stop purchasing the recalled product immediately— and are more than happy to talk to any and all media outlets about their “devastation” over the product’s malfunctions.


Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Pickled Faggots: Shane McGowan Is Alive

shanemagowan.jpgIS Shane McGowan still alive? He is, although it is not immediately obvious.

The Mirror produces a picture of Shane collapsed on a hotel bed, a bottle of something yellowy in one hand, yesterday’s clothes still on and eyes closed. (Shane was educated at Westminster school. He was ever the public school boy.)

Tomorrow is McGowan’s 50th birthday. Born on Christmas Day, McGowan shares a birthday with Isaac Newton, Humphrey Bogart and Jesus.

And unlike them he is alive. To prove it McGowan takes a slug from the bottle and tells us: “To be honest, I never thought too much about getting to 50. But if everybody is making a bet that you are going to die at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon you just tend to think, ‘Fuck it, I’m not going to die as long as those fuckers are alive.”

McGowan is kept alive on a pickling process of two parts belligerence to one part retsina, and any other flammable liquids.

And there is another reason Shane is in the news. It’s not just that it’s his birthday, he’s having his teeth done to ”stop my face falling apart” and he’s living a journalist’s dream life, but that his song Fairy Tale of New York is in the charts once more.

McGowan rose to prominence as front man of the Pogues, successful “Because we weren’t a faggot and a guy with a synthesiser”. He later insisted: “I’ve got nothing against faggots.”

And he should not. Faggots have helped make his Christmas song a hit once again. The tune features the line “You scumbag, you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot”.

The BBC decided that upon hearing the word “faggot”, listeners would be driven mad and find cause to beat seven shades of the black stuff from anyone who’d ever heard of the Pet Shop Boys.

And thanks to the BBC’s control freakery, the songs been in the news, and Shane should earn some more money in royalties and remain in the style to which he has become almost enviably accustomed…

Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Alesha Dixon’s Life In Danger

alesha.jpgIN a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE” Alesha Dixon talks to the Star. Says Alesha on the front page: “DANCE SHOW SAVED MY LIFE.”

“In “Strictly saved my life,” the Sun talks to Alesha and learns that the pro-celebrity dance show Strictly Come Dancing saved her life.

Says Alesha on the Mirror’s front page: “My feet are killing me.”

And we wonder if she is yet safe enough…

Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0