Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
In the manner of 1950s chat show Tea With Noele Gordon (the actress who went on to front Lunchbox), Dinner With Jamie Oliver is going to be on TV.
Says the Independent: “Guests at the dinner will include celebrities, food producers, supermarkets and ordinary people.”
There has never been a dinner like it. It is extraordinary, apart from those “ordinary people”, who are extraordinarily ordinary in not being celebrities.
The belief that celebrities are in any way extraordinary enables Oliver to make a telly show in which he will “take-on battery farmed chickens”.
Once more, the Indy’s language creates an interesting tableau. Already excited at the prospect of watching Jamie break bread with “supermarkets”, we now envisage Oliver pulling on gloves and trying to beat even shades of browning from a battalion of Zombie Hens.
Called Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, Jamie will “graphically demonstrate” the chicken rearing process. Those not wishing to be put off their dinners, or ever eating again, should look away and wait for the pudding…
And onto this 227ft carving on the slopes of Windover Hill, Sussex, Trinny and Susannah have laid out a number of women in white suits.
The effect is to transform the symbol from a man to a woman, with “pig tails, curvy hops and shapely legs”.
A pagan – usually only sighted in news reports from the Stone Henge Summer Solstice and at localised Welsh events stood among children dressed as leeks and dragons – is heard to utter: “For those who consider this a religious site it sends out a message that religious intolerance is acceptable.”
But look again. It’s is not a man and woman, rather Trinny ‘the Tranny’ and her minder Susannah.
Is this how they see themselves. And can we expect other celebs to follow suit, transforming the Cerne Abbas Giant into Pete Crouch and the Great Red Horse into a notable royal?
This is not the case, a truth revealed on the Sport’s foremost page. The illustration for “AMY AND THE £16K A DAY DRUGS DEALERS” is a serf’s eye view of the Winehouse right nostril.
Inside and there is a shot of the Winehouse left nostril, which adds a neat balance to the shock story “Pop star takes drugs”.
Winehouse is the Sun’s “AMY WHITENOSE”. The Mirror opts for the lyrical: “They tried to make me go to rehab.. I said nose nose nose.”
But since Winehouse has only one nose (so far) the lyric is misleading. And she has, of course, been to rehab, a notorious place believed full of drugs takers, sex addicts and committed drinkers.
Not going to rehab and mixing with such persons is sage advice. Amy should be applauded…
Last year, Gest appeared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! and we wondered if he would fall to pieces – literally.
Now Janice is in the celebrity clearing, and we are looking on wondering if the former model can hold it together, or be held together in a tight fitting suit.
“Everything about me is fake,” quipped Janice as she made her way into the jungle, “I was the first in line when they started handing out Botox – and I’m perfect.!
Or “purffett”, as any Botox enthusiast would concur.
“I coined the world supermodel back in 1979,” says Janice. “I wasn’t clever enough to trademark it but I truly did milk it for all it was worth.”
Can you trademark a word? Perhaps Janice means she should have brought out a range of Supermodel goods – shower gels, deodorants, anaesthetics – and brand them?
“I loped the earth during the ice ages when supermodels ruled the world,” says she.
Only, supermodels were not invented until 1979, so Janice would have to have been loping as a mammoth, starnose mole or a giant beaver…
MOST revealing OK! caption of all time: “Nikki, Michelle, Danielle and Chantelle live it up in Lineker’s Bar in Marbella with Wayne Lineker and Calum Best.”
Sadly, as reported in the Enquirer, Ms Jolie is removing herself to France and will not be returning to Ethiopia, land of daughter Zahara‘s birth any time soon.
Should Zahara’s family want to meet Ms Jolie they are advised to put another child up for adoption and wait their turn like everybody else…
Picture: 14 – Buy her prints here
But things have not worked out. Chantelle’s place as Big Brother strumpet-at-large has been usurped by Chanelle, who we expect to be in time challenged by Mintel, Novotel and Kiss’n’tell.
And news reaches us, via the Sun, that Chatelle is to officially split from Preston, their divorce coming through 16 months after their OK! photoshoot.
Since the split, some six months ago – tragically before the OK! 1st anniversary photospread in Marbella – Preston has been dating his former love, French “beauty” Camille Aznar, and Chantelle has been seeing one Chris Neal, formerly of Big Brother housemate Nikki Grahame ‘n’ Chris repute.
We wish them well…
This is encouraging news. Although what Pete Doherty (“junkie”) and Amy Winehouse (“addict”) manage to say is unspecified in the Sun’s report.
We expect the pair will save the contents of their chats an album, which will retail for a bargain “Whatever change you can spare” and play for hours and hours and hours and hours and…
The Mail zooms in on Jagger’s right wrist and notes not a copper anti-arthritis bracelet, a big-hand watch nor a tissue tucked up a sleeve, but a red string.
The Mail assures readers that this is a kabbalah bracelet, and promises to protect the wearer from all manner of ill, pain, chaos and suffering.
Although more likely it is a souvenir thong taken from one of his many conquests…
Angie is Angelina Jolie, and America is outraged that she should pack up her home, her kids, some other kids and make for a new life in France.
“We’ve been very loyal throughout her career, but it looks like she’s ungratefully dumping us,” fumes Catherine Larcher, secretary of the Californian fan club Brad and Angelina.
Ms Larcher has every right to be upset. It was not too long ago that Anorak was forced to pen a letter in green ink to Michelle Ryan, who had no sooner left the EastEnders’ set than she had set off to America.
The Michelle Ryan Fan Club is now no more, the members dispersed and the 5,000 piece Ryan Jigsaw we were working on broken up and scattered to the winds. The Michelle Ryan Support Group is, however, very much alive.
Of course, a Pitt-Jolie enthusiast such as Ms Larcher may note that calling her club Brad and Angelina was always going to be precarious, given that Jolie and Pitt have outlasted three marriages between them…
We looked at the sometimes grainy pictures and made notes. We learnt about “lines” chopping”, “snorting” and “spoons”.
The tabloids have been nothing if not educational in the ways of drugs and their paraphernalia. And in the Sun there is news from Davinia Taylor’s 30th birthday party.
Taylor is exclusively known for being friends with Kate Moss and being called Davinia. And on the occasion of Taylor’s party the Sun spots the birthday girl dispensing invitations in the form of black American Express credit cards, each bearing the legend: “USE CARD ACCORDINGLY.”
The Sun wonders: “Whatever could that mean?” Right now, we imagine some selfless hack is investigating, possibly with the aid of his Nectar card and a decent felt tip…
She arrives for the launch of a Viva campaign in a Mercedes 4×4. The engine is kept running, say reports.
Says Mills: “The startling truth is that animals farmed for met and dairy are now one of the greatest threats to the planet.
Stick with it…
“The United Nations last year issued a shocking report on the environmental damage being done by livestock.
“I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became vegan.
“The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple.”
“We are the only species that drinks another creature’s milk so why aren’t we drinking rats’ milk, dogs’ milk or cats’ milk? That is how crazy it is.”
Can you milk a rat? That question to you, Sir Paul ‘Meaty’ McCartney, allegedly…
Hairdressers will be forced to haul down images of the icon, and Man Tan of Croydon will be impelled to offer an OAP rate on the once ubiquitous Beckham back, sack and crack, as part of the Surrey townscape as Anthea turner, concrete and bull bars.
Michael Parkinson, 72, may be one to take up the offer, in a desperate bid to keep Beckham in trend.
But it will be nought, and Parky knows it. As the Mirror reports, with Becks on his way out, Parkinson has decided it is time he too should step down.
Granted Victoria Beckham is still practising, but, unlike David, there is only so much you can say about Vicky’s hair, voice and chest.
Fittingly, David Beckham will feature on Parky’s last sand, a TV spectacular that will also see us wave a hearty adieu to Jamie Calum, Peter Kay, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Michael Caine, Dame Edna Everage, Sir David Attenborough and Billy Connolly.
Once David has let the stage, the other guests and their host will step away from the limelight, realising that it is time for a new breed to talk about the new Beckham…
Anderton is billed in the Sun as the “former I’m A Celebrity star”. It should not pass unnoticed that Anderton has also featured in a pro-celebrity capacity on Cirque de Celebrité, Love Island and Fear Factor.
Anderton also, for a period, operated as a Wag, being the one-time squeeze of former Chelsea and Manchester United goalkeeper Mark Bosnich.
Many thought there was little left for Anderton to do. With all the seats on celebrity judging panels occupied, and Celebrity Soap Opera not yet commissioned, the real fear was that Sophie had nowhere left to exercise her fame and show us the real Sophie Anderton.
But then the New of the World came calling, and Anderton is now the recipient of the headline “Vice shame Sophie loses £100k deal”.
“Exposed as a drug-pushing prostitute” by the News of the World’s man in a hotel room, Anderton has been dropped as the “face” of Fake Bake.
The opportunities for Ms Anderton to reinvigorate a flagging career are now endless, as she sits on daytime telly sofas.
And makes ready to star in Celebrity Fake Baked, a show in which she and the “dream ticket” Tara Palmer-Tomkinson go to parties and see which celebs are on drugs and which are only pretending to be…
Does an Oscar ceremony smell the same as a Bafta Awards do or the private hire car taking an EastEdners actress to the Soap Star Superstar after show party? Not a chance.
Scent enthusiasts await the arrival of Bath Time by Paris Hilton. And we read in the Mirror of the smell of Stella McCartney.
Stella comes in four blends. Stella McCartney Sheer Stella (top notes of Stella’s bed and pillow), Stella McCartney Stella (bottom notes of Stella’s brunch of aubergine and garlic dip), Stella McCartney Stella In Two (what Stella smell like when she watches daytime telly) and Stella McCartney Stella Rose Absolute (Two parts Sheer Stella to one part vodka with mid-notes of salt ‘n’ vinegar crisps).
And it comes to our attention that Heather Mills wanted some of Stella’s smell. Perhaps if brave Heather could smell like a flesh and blood McCartney others would be more accepting of her role?
Heather wanted the smell of Stella to feature at a gala do she was organising. But Stella declined. Says Heather’s publicist Michele Elyzabeth: “What would that have cost her? Nothing. But we didn’t beg. Elizabeth Arden donated.”
Perfume aficionados will note that Ms Arden has been passed a number of years. And though her innate and earthy odour is surely seductive to some there is real fear it will engender the wearer with the stench of decay.
And Heather Mills has so very much to offer…
Dirty “Paris jokes about her sex video scandals, swims around in the huge bath of bubbles and soaks herself with a bendy shower head.”
“It’s her dirtiest video yet,” say fans. “Nothing’s dirtier than this,” says other. “Bang!” says another. “Bang!” But nothing can shift so much dirt.
Bang! (RRP: £19.99)
BRITNEY Spears has yet to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show, talking about her broken marriages, her location-named children (Sean PRESTON and Jayden JAMES, site of the James Town massacre) and her drugs and self-esteem ishoos.
Britney is circling life’s plughole, ideal fodder to sit on an office-style chair before a live studio of her peers making eyes at the warm-up man and marveling at how you can get wine (both sorts) in cardboard boxes, and be told to “SORT IT OUT!” by shouty Kyle.
But now Britney has lost weight, or had lipo as the Mirror tells it in “BRITNEY (SMALLER) REARS”. And as TV watchers know, Kyle likes the women on his show to be the size of a mid-range family hatchback.
So Britney must look elsewhere for her TV outings. Perhaps a showing on Loose Women, the panel program where moaners who look like the Spice Girls will in ten years time, discuss men (awful) and going to the toilet (challenging).
Where will we next see Britney on British telly, other than on the 10 ‘clock news bulletin, naturally..?
The formula takes onboard cash, band value, Google index, publicity, delinquency factor, actual talent and personal qualities.
The sums done, the Mail says the most pointless celebrity in the land, if not the world, is Peter Andre, aka Pete Andre, known to millions as the Singing Acorn, the shining example of manhood who put the Glo in Morning Glory as he climbed into Jordan’s hammock.
Many will of course beg to differ, it being the seventh rule of celebrity that coming bottom is coming top, if not the new coming top – just as up is the new down, going out is the new staying in and Anthea Turner is the new Viagra.
Expect appeals from Victoria Hervey, Sophie Anderton, Paul Danan, Chantelle, Kerry Katona and, how can we forget, whatshisface…
Look out for the 100 Most Pointless Celebrities on Channel 4
So talented is Winehouse – writing in the Sun, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber calls her the “new Ella Fitzgerald” in a “Judy Garland-style” – that it would come as no surprise to learn that she is taking on a mouthful of juice in readiness to gargle her hit song “Rehab” in the manner of The Tin Man.
But the fluids may serve another purpose: hydration. The Mirror says Winehouse was in “meltdown” before her appearance at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.
She is “wailing in despair”. On stage, the Mirror notes she is propped up by her band as she “almost collapsed in tears”.
As a fan says: “She was demanding drinks the whole time. She could barely sing.”
Much less cry or work up a sweat…
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Anyone who thinks Britney Spears’ best days are behind should know this—she does have a prayer.
The celebuwreck, who has been struggling to get custody of her kids while launching a comeback, is the top prayer-getter at the Hollywood Prayer Network, a group of more than 5,000 Christians that prays for stars instead of writing them off as lost causes.
The network recently passed a Bible to socialite Paris Hilton and plans to pass one to Spears later this month. It also picks up-and- coming child stars for its monthly Kids Prayer Calendar and pairs hundreds of mentors with struggling actors—the kind more likely to take your order in a restaurant than appear on your television.
Members of the network, which has chapters in 16 U.S. cities and eight countries, see Hollywood as the 21st century’s largest mission field, a powerful industry that can be used to sow the seeds of an international cultural and religious revival.
“We tell people, ‘If you’re angry at a TV show or you’re switching channels because of content, stop and pray for the people on the show,'” said Karen Covell, HPN’s founder. “If you really believe in God and you believe God has a transforming power, then leave it up to him.”
Because Jesus was a celebrity too…
Amidst the religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists, Mills will impose upon the people who like to stand in the cold listening to religionists, Al Goreans and fetishists the need to give up meat to save nothing less than the planet.
The Independent explains that less farming means less grazing and that means less pasture and less guffing cows and sheep. It means less mammals and more plants. And since the plants only speak to Prince Charles and vegetarians, Heather has volunteered to speak to the rest of us on their behalf.
The Indy reports that after her showing, Mills will feature in two adverts for Vegetarian international voice, which aims on speak on behalf of both domestic and foreign plants.
One message will declare “Hey Meaty, you’re making me so hot!”, while another is directed at tree huggers who eat fish and dairy. The strapline: “You haven’t got a leg to stand on.”
Says the Indy: “This is what happens when your publicist sacks you.”
The Ends Begins…
The story is, of course, history in the happening. And in time to come Doherty and his “cocaine” will find a place in the showbiz annals amid Arthur Askey Vic’s Inhaler and Liberace’s taste for Linctus.
Historians will be keen to know how Doherty took these drugs, and, as ever, the Mirror is keen to reveal all.
Note Doherty’s “tracksuit”, his “silver tray” and the “kitchen counter” he is “perched” upon. All vital drugs paraphernalia.
Doherty “chops” the substance into five “massive lines” and “snorts” them though a rolled up sheet of paper. He then “stares glassily into the camera”.
A bit like Gemma Atkinson, only more so…
As Tabloid Baby reports from Los Angeles: “Strange twist in the TMZ-X17 paparazzi ‘tragedy’.” It’s the making and unmaking of Hollywood sensation…
“Reports flew yesterday that one of the teams of paparazzi who chase Britney Spears around town was run over and smashed under the wheels of a Land Rover (our favorite respnse was how the corporate porn-pushing gossip site TMZ.com distanced itself from the ugly mess by placing the incident in the context of ‘Spears madness’).
“By the time the story made a brief appearance on The Drudge Report late in the day, the situation was downgraded from tragedy to another wacky Britney escapade, as it was on the blog that started it all:
“’11:00 AM PT Update: Somehow, probably by an act of God, the victim was released from the hospital last night with only a tire mark on his arm. TMZ reports that there was not a single broken bone or no internal injuries.'”
As TB says, “So much for eyewitness accounts.”
There are those who like to snigger about celebrities being only in it for themselves, hosting telethons and charity dos to promote their mighty hearts and to be seen.
But Jolie and Pitt are different. While Bob Geldof invites us to dig deep and build a well, and Bono, Mr G9, beseeches us to cancel the debt, Hollywood’s finest buy the place and have it remodeled.
And relocated. If the waters won’t come to Ethiopia, bring Ethiopia to the waters.
Ethiopia II: Son Of Ethiopia is off the coast of Dubai. According to the Emirates Today newspaper Bradgelina intend to use the reclaimed piece of land to showcase environmental issues and encourage people to live a greener life. They will do this from a manmade island.
And it represents good value. With prices for the islands ranging from six million to 36 million dollars, taking into account Ethiopia’s debts and the interest on those debts, even the top end fee represents something of a bargain.
Of course, the couple’s two-year-old daughter Zahara was born in Ethiopia. And it will be good to reconnect her with her roots. Perhps in time, the Jolie-Pitts other children can reclaim the lands they were sired in, namely Thailand and Vietnam.
The one shocker is that the Jolie-Pitts opted for Ethiopia over Namibia, the palce they tried on for size when their daughter Shiloh came among us.
But small steps – the world was not buildt in a day. Inded, the original world took six days to build. And with Brad’s knowledge of carpentry and plumbing gleaned from his time amid the flood waters of New Orleans there is evey chance he and his lover can set a new record…
Both men belong to a past era: Clooney to the golden age of showbiz when the Rat Pack bestrode Vegas and never brought out a signature perfume nor felt driven to explain their lifestyle; Fabio is what happened to Sir Harry Paget Flashman when he moved to Italy, grew his hair and discovered girls and Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat.
The walking cover of a million penny dreadful romance novels, Fabio is seen entertaining the five female winners of a contest to watch him eat at Madeo restaurant.
On another table is George Clooney with female friend Sarah Larsen. Pictures are being taken by the Fabio party. Clooney notices. He thinks they are taking pictures of him. The Enquirer produces a picture of Clooney firmly in shot. He is ordering a copy of the print with his middle finger.
Fabio is incredulous. Fabio has the look of a man who thinks America is dubbed the land of opportunity because it gives the huddled masses the opportunity to meet him. He maintains the pictures of are of him and his winners.
Words are said. Fabio calls Clooney a “diva”, which may be a term of the highest praise. George drops what the Enquirer call an “F-bomb”. Says Fabio’s agent: “Clooney starred in ER and Fabio is going to send him back there.”
Macho stuff. And we see the cover to the book of the meeting now as Fabio (breeze-blown hair and leopard-trunks) looms over Dr George.
Madeo Man, by Jude Devereaux is available in good, bad and indifferent book shops…