Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The paper omits to say what this orgy consists of, and having watched Big Brother 8 since it began, Anorak suggests it’s an orgy of moaning, whining and bitching.
Of course there are four news housemates. Shabnam, who left with her backside exposed (Sun: “Shabnam gets bum’s rush”) has left and been replaced by Brian Belo, Liam McGough, Jonathan Durden, Billi Bhatti and .
Of course, what with them being lads, the orgy may be one of released gas, fighting and singing bawdy songs about ten German bombers and girls from Faliraki.
Or they could talk about rehab with Jonathan. As the Sun reports, “BIG Brother millionaire Jonathan Durden is nursing a secret heartache — the death of his wife.”
Who says you can’t fined entertainment in anything? And readers learn that madcap John’s wife of 18 years, Laura Naska Durden, was found dead in 2003 “after suffering from anorexia”.
He grew depressed. He checked into The Priory.
But he got better. And better. As a pal tells us: “He’s one of those mad, creative types who always live life on the edge. He became quite a hit with the ladies — he was very, very successful. His s******g exploits are legendary.”
We lean that he used “mind techniques” to bed women.
So we might get an altogether more risqué kind of orgy after all. Now if John can just locate Samanda’s mind…
The motor-mouthed human irritant is the first housemate to be voted out. The remaining boys and girls will no doubt be looking forward to a little more peace and quiet.
Good lord, the twins and indeed Charley are rather excited by the arrival of 19-year-old Brian. The Data Entry clerk and self-confessed ‘party boy’ has a look of 50 Cent about him and the ladies seem to like it. He apparently has imaginary friends.
Brian is a self confessed ‘Jack the lad’ who likes to dabble in a spot of cosmic ordering. He reckons he can self-hypnotize and deals with boredom by “talking to my imaginary hot girls”. Brian would like to think of himself as a wild child, but the thought of leaving home for university scares him. He’s a leader rather than a follower and an “original party boy with lots of sex appeal”.
Job: Data entry clerk
First Words: “That’s well pukka”
Life philosophy: “What goes around comes around”
Likes: Mike Skinner, Holly Valance and Big Brother!
Dislikes: Animals (scared of them), people who are too in your face and not getting his own way.
Why BB?: He wants to be a legendary housemate.
Liam, 22, is apparently a ‘lad’. When he’s not working as a tree surgeon he indulges in laddish things like playing sport and erm, living with his parents. The twins seem to like him though, judging by the excited welcome they gave him.
Job: Tree Surgeon
Tall tree surgeon Liam is a bit of a ladies man and his chain-saw scars add to his rugged appeal. Good job really seeing as he’s covered in them. The easy-going 22-year-old thinks he’ll keep the other Housemates laughing, but don’t tell them about his night-time habit of sucking his thumb.
First Words: “Mental”
Life philosophy: “To enjoy life, and make sure others enjoy theirs.”
Likes: Family, reading, nights out with the lads, tact
Why BB?: He’s team-oriented and will cheer people up. Thinks he’ll win.
The second new housemate is 49-year-old multi-millionaire media company director Jonathan. Looking like a chubby Holly Johnson of Frankie Goes To Hollywood fame, he apparently hates “dithering” and “injustice”.
Job: Founder and president of a media agency
Big Brother career: A less showbizzy rehab centre.
Self-made millionaire Jonathan considers himself to be the “luckiest f***** on the planet” and a “lazy git”. The businessman and dad of two lives in London, is super-competitive, loves cars and says his mates think he looks like an oompa lumpa. Make of that what you will.
First Words: “How bizarre”
Life philosophy: Chaos rather than fate. And “we are 96 per cent water and lucky.”
Likes: Cars, comedy, property, car mags.
Why BB?: He has never seen it.
Now we know what happened to one-hit wonder Babylon Zoo. Billi, yes, that is with an ‘i’, is a long-haired pouting model who goes under the name of Massimo when working. He likes Page Three girls, apparently.
Big Brother Career: Big Brother shagger.
Future: Lead part in Zoolander II
Billi is a successful model with a passion for WWF wrestling. His worst fear includes waking up with a shaved head. He says that “gorgeous girls, money and attention” make him happy. He is confident, admits to being vain and says looking out for himself is number one. He enjoys going to the gym and plays football regularly.
First Words: “Hello, I’m Billi”
Life philosophy: Believes that no matter what path he chooses to take he will be happy.
Likes: Moussaka, wrestling, Essex girls and American sitcoms.
Dislikes: Women who challenge him.
Why BB?: Is competitive and he wants to play against everyone.
HERE’S Shabnam on “Britain’s Got More Talent”. Bring on the dancing dandrufff…
HERE’S the tape of double act Shabs ‘n’ Flakes on that Embarrassing Illness programme:
Itchy, flaky scalp? Why not cover it in make-up…
THE smoking ban comes into force on July 1. From that day on, Charley will be unable to stomp off into the garden for a fag. What release will she have from the stress of starting a row and being unable to finish it? Of course, Charley will do as she pleases. And be fined. She could even become the first person to flout the law. Who needs Big Brother with a lasting fame like that..?
Chanelle is the new favourite and the only housemate to have significantly shortened, she has gone from 9.2 to 8.4.
Learn how to use your free £10 bet here.
With the first eviction taking place tonight, Shabnam is massive favourite at 1.04 and this price is only likely to shorten as her eviction is imminent.
The Eviction Percentage markets clearly show the public feel that even though there are three people up for eviction, Shabnam is likely to receive more than two-thirds of the vote with the first evictee receiving ‘Over 65 Percent’ of the vote priced at 1.16.
Although there is every reason to believe Charley will pervert the natural order of things and be the one giving chase.
The “awesome phwoar-some” will be all good-looking lads, including a self-made millionaire, one who believes in Cosmic Ordering”, a professional cricketer and a male model.
“FOURPLAY,” says the Mirror. It too has heard the news and says the men are coming in to boost plummeting ratings.
But there is no cricketer, not in the Mirror. In this paper the master of bat and ball becomes a “tree surgeon”.
Minds versed in such things fall upon the name Ed Giddins, the cricketer who was suspended from his sport for taking cocaine and suspended for five years for placing a bet on his county to lose a match. Giddins has been employed as a Christmas tree salesman.
And his arrival would be good news for Big Brother. Cricketers do well on reality TV shows. Phil Tufnell, the laconic England bowler nicknamed the “cat” on account of his feline ability to seemingly sleep through matches, was crowned King of the I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here jungle.
And on Strictly Come Dancing, cricket has found its natural reality TV home. Darren Gough pulled on a tight bodice and cha-cha-cha-ed his way to victory and a recall to the England team.
And Mark Ramprakash delighted pro-celebrity ballroom enthusiasts on the same show, leaving his comfort zone in a series of spray-on outfits and shimmies.
If it is to be Giddins, then all well and good. And if he can dance down the wicket and dispatch Charley for six over the Big Brother fence, then so much the better…
DANIELLE Lloyd, the Big Brother bully, is taking on the USA. So says the Star’s front page and readers look within to discover that “Dani does a Pammy!”
So here’s Danielle caching hepatitis and re-enacting an uncut scene from Porn-Mates of Caribbean with a rock group drummer. Not really.
What we get is Dani wearing a red swimsuit.
More to follow…
THE Big Brother Petri dish is alive with the cloned wannabes able to turn their hand to whatever the job demands. Whether it be screaming, shrieking or wearing a one-size-too-small bikini, they can do.
And now we read in the Mirror that Katie Hopkins, star of The Apprentice, features in an early Big Brother pilot. Readers get to see the top of her backside as she photocopies her “private parts”. What price her appearing on Britain’s Got Talent?
“It should be kept in books or in dirty magazines to be used for recreational purposes, if you know what I mean. It’s trashy. I know I sound snobbish but that’s how I feel.”
With Charley and Chanelle in the house, the show looks like a multimedia version of Health And Efficiency magazine, the holiday brochure and lifestyle organ for nudist enthusiasts.
This is illustrated by the Star’s picture of Charley threatening to fall out of her top. So appalled is the Star by the sight of Charley’s ‘aunts’ that it orders “COVER THEM UP” – and this from the paper that advertises “Cheap and Dirty” phone lines and a “Granny Date” service.
The paper that produces a feature entitled “MUM’S THE WORD”, in which readers get to see the backsides to Charley, Sam, Nicky, Chanelle, Amanda and Gerry.
The paper that invites “rumpologist” Sam Amos to deliver his/her verdict on the view.
It seems that you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their backside, most notable that they are walking away – which is something most of us would like Charley to do…
LILY Allen keeps a blog. She uses it to tell the world and tabloid hacks how she doesn’t want to be a celebrity. Why do they stare? Why?
The thing is , im not going to write here so often now . this used to be one of my favourite things to do . I could come on here and vent how i feel honestly and get feedback from you guys . But the tabloid fucks have ruined it . Everything i write here gets twisted and rewritten buy a bunch of lazy fucks who havent got anything better to write about . And the truth is I don’t want to be in their fucking stupid magazines and daily fuck rags . Infact I hate it , i dont want to be a celebrity , I am a singer , I write songs , thats it . I don’t sleep and take drugs with famous people( i have a boyfriend ive been with for nearly 3 years ) , I don’t go to film premieres . I don’t go shopping in the paparazzi hotspots , so please leave me alone . Write about something interesting , and that actually needs to be alked about . I don’t want to live in a world where the most interesting thing is Paris Hilton and ” how shes doing in jail ” . Why do we care , seriously ? Guys the world is MELTING , we are KILLING innocent people , so we can steal their oil , killing them. 400000 people are dead and 2.5 million have no home in Darfur ………….. but then again Lindsay did work out at the gym this afternoon and thats what really counts .”
Has Lily written a song about the melting world?
SAYS Tracey to Charley: “It may be my time to go. I’ve got my life to get on with.” Will she walk before Shabnam gets the boot?
WASN’T sure whether to put this in Twitterings or here in the Big Brother section:
From the Anorak Forums, AGW writes:
Three men have been arrested by police investigating the death of a man at the former home of TV star Michael Barrymore.
All three have been arrested on suspicion of murder and serious sexual assault. Stuart Lubbock, 31, was found by the swimming pool at the house in Roydon, near Harlow, Essex, in March 2001.
Police say one man was arrested the North-West the man was detained. The second man was arrested in the Midlands, also in custody, and a third in London.
Essex Police gave no further details but said the men were aged 37, 32 and 55. Police would not say if Michael Barrymore who is 55, was among those arrested.
Another story which seems to have run and run….
STILL time to bet on Shabnam remaining in the Big Brother compound.
With talk of a mass walk-out, there is reason to believe that one more outburst from Charley Itchea will cause Tracey, Nicky or Carole to walk out.
And Shabnam so wants to be famous. A friend tells us that the north Londoner produced a show reel. It cost her almost £1,000. This film of Shabnam interviewing a wannabe singer and ‘presenting’ from Leicester Square failed to do the job and no agent took her on.
But she carried on. Shabnam appeared on Britain’s Got Talent. She was fond lacking. A lack of skill in any of the performing arts is in itself no novelty among the celebrity clique and Shabnam carried on.
She showed us her dandruff on Channel Four’s Embarrassing Illnesses. Shabnam and her flaky scalp was a decent act, her best yet. But what if the condition cleared up? It’d be like loosing one part of a double act, Hale without Pace, Batman without Robin, Lindsay Lohan without rehab.
Undaunted, Shabnam reapplied the greasepaint, layering on another coat, then another, then topped it off with a light wood vanish.
In showbiz you need a thick skin to take the set-backs, and by our estimates Shabnam’s skin at a full inch deep.
Will she stay? She’s 390-1 to win the show. And you have a FREE £10 to spend with Betfair. Must be worth a couple of pounds…
WITH a fortnight elapsed in the Big Brother house, it’s seemingly been a daily case of flip-flopping favourites.
After being backed into 7.4 yesterday, the lowest price of any housemate so far, Tracey has now been pushed out to 9.4 in light of her surprise nomination.
Though highly unlikely to be voted out by the Great British public – she is currently 65 to be the 1st evicted – perhaps punters would be wise to acknowledge that there may be only so long the wacky androgynous raver can do without her fix of happy hardcore and glow sticks.
With fellow nominee Carole at 16 to go, and yet to show her alleged Millie-Tant side, the bell appears to be tolling for the perennially short-circuiting Shabnam, who is a slender 1.1 to be voted out.
Replacing Tracey in pole position is newcomer Gerry, now into 8. Having pulled off a huge coup by bringing in both Dale Winton and Mick Hucknall, albeit poorly disguised with funny foreign accents, BB has provided the house with a double dose of the vital ingredient we have so far missed in this year’s wannabe pie.
Having got off to a shocker with his failed first night attempts as a prankster, Seany is slowly winning over fans (down to 25 from 40) and looks set to be this year’s court jester. But will the future be orange or simply red?
Elsewhere, the claws are out and the high heels are off as wagaholic Chanelle (2nd favourite at 8.8) and the ghetto fabulous Charley (hovering around the 95 mark) go head to head in a diva battle royale that could end up resembling Saturday night kicking out time on Tyneside.
Firmly in the caring arms of the soppy-faced Ziggy (currently 12.5), Chanelle has guaranteed herself not only a friend in the house but an audience with the BB viewers ever-willing to be gripped by a TV romance – this all clearly riling the attention-seeking Charley whose only friends appear to be Messers Lambert and Butler.
Who are you giong to back with your FREE bet?
At once we begin guessing why. Is it because:
A) It says ‘stir’ on the bottle of wood varnish Jodie dips herself in each morning and it’s easier finding a man than a stick?
B) Five times complies with tabloid law – ‘It should never be less and never be more’ (Halpern’s Law Section 32-26-32DD)?
C) She has nothing else to do?
The answer soon becomes apparent as Jodie tells us: “I crave lots and get frustrated when I don’t get it.”
Jodie might well be having sex as she talks with the Sport about her show Totally Jodie Marsh: Who Will Take Her Up The Aisle? in which dipsticks, sorry, men, audition to be her husband.
But before that, Jodie does as her fellow Big Brother evictee Orlaith McAllister did a few weeks back and tells us about her sexual pecadlios.
In no particular order, Jodie tell us about her “five-some in a barn”, “quite a few threesomes”, how she would like to have sex with Eminem and her dates with Calum Best.
“I’m so horny all the time,” says Jodie. “So pretty much everything turns me on.
Sometime I only have to look at myself in naked in the mirror, or I’ll be walking around in my knickers, and I’ll feel hot.”
A hot flush? Jodie’s pores blocked by that wood stain? Nothing of it. Jodie is in the full tangerine-glow of womanhood.
And when she’s not naked, she’s dressing up. She has a wardrobe full of outfits. “There is everything from a police woman to a pilot to a cow girl to a ballerina. You name it. I’ve got it.”
Chances are that if guaranteed Jodie some exposure, we could vote on which outfit we’d like Jodie to dress up as; something like a pantomime donkey, a crab or an outpatient at the school of tropical diseases.
And Jodie needs help. It is not uncommon for Jodie to leave the house dressed with a pair of crossed belts pulled over her naked chest, an orangey Emiliano Zapata bigger guns.
If jodies sonds like your idea woman, you can try out at being her ideal man. And answer the tie-breaker: “Complete this sentence: I want my relationship with my future wife to be…”
Extra marks awarded for using any of all of the words: hideous, orange, stained, deranged, dog hair, barnyard and Bin Laden…
BIG Brother bully Jade Goody is talking about Shilpa Shetty. Again. Says Jade: “I went to the slums in India where I now sponsor two charities. I was very moved to meet the people who lived there. They said to me, ‘You are the Queen. Shilpa hasn’t been back to see us. They talked about her in a really horribly way.” Jade’s kind of people…
Well, an entire week has passed without incident; no housemate has racially abused another one or had sex on top of the oven, or in it. All less than what we’ve come to expect, granted, but surely not a crisis.
But it is. The Star reports that Tracey Barnard, Carole Vincent and Nicky Maxwell are all threatening to leave the house and join Lesley Brain on that sponsored walk for the WI.
Following another row with “super bitch” Charley Uchea, the trio said they have had enough and wanted out.
Says Nicky: “Why am I putting myself through this, staying with people who take the piss out of me? I don’t want to be here any more… I can’t be bothered to be here any more.”
Tracey thought about it. “I’m 37 years old and I didn’t come here to have my summer shot up with all this s**t… I’m not bothered about being in the house.”
Carole says: “I’m starting to think, what’s the point of being here?”
On the bright side, if one of them leaves before tomorrow night’s eviction, Shabnam will remain in the house. Once again the woman one reporter likened to Amy Winehouse meet’s Shrek’s donkey will survive by default.
Conventional weapons cannot evict Shabnam. On the Betfair markets. Shabnam is 240-1 to win. That must be worth a small punt. Open a Betfair account here and get an extra tenner.
ADRIAN Samuels, who shared a flat with Big Brother’s Seány O’Kane, is in conversation with the Star. Says he: “He has an incredible knack for chatting guys up and once had sex in a toilet on the train station.” Well, whatever helps pass the time when waiting for the 9:15 to Timmy Mallett’s wardrobe…
WAS Chanelle giving birth in the sardine can? The noise. The agony. The shrieking. Then Charley got in and shrieked louder. Was this bullying? Or just lampooning Chanelle? Answers on a fish…