Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Lies? Can it be that Angelina Jolie’s’s favourite word is not “Lemsip” and, as we have read in countless other oranges of record, her second best colour ever (in the whole wide world) is orange? Did she never mean the “Best wishes” she assigned to a picture proffered by Old Mr Anorak’s nurse?
These are lies told as exclamations. “!” (About Jen); “!” (OTHER LOVERS); “!” (HER FUTURE WITH BRAD!).
“Angelina has been caught telling a big lie to Brad about his ex, Jen – and it’s just one stand in a web of deceit Angelina has been weaving about her twisted double life,” says the magazine of repute.
The shock of shocks is that Angelina will not be all that willing to sit down with Jennifer Aniston, for it is ever she, and “couldn’t bear even the idea!” of meeting Brad Pitt’s former lover and wife.
And what of the children? A source says Angelina only spends a few hours with the children all day. “As soon as she sees camera,” says this insider, “Angie grabs a kid.”
Which might explain how she came to adopt three children – were they just close by when the command “Action!” was issued?
That question to you, Daily Star readers. But with no phone number to register “YES” and “NO”, Star readers may struggle for an answer.
Britney, for her part, appears unbothered by the attention spent on her outfit. Not everyone can pull off a combination of fishnet, pink rayon-polyester mix bustier and matching lipstick. Few would attempt it. “DRESS TO ILL,” says the Mirror.
And we look. And were it not for the every-vigilant Sun we would study the clothes and miss the inner Spears and an “unfortunate cluster of facial blemishes”. “OOPS I DID ZIT AGAIN,” says the Sun.
We look. The Sun has drawn a ring about the area. In keeping with the spirit of Halloween, Britney may have cared to paint them black and stick on few bed-harvested hairs.
Others suggest that Britney should promote her new album Blackout by switching off the lights and get both dressed and undressed. But we fear that would be unkind…
CELEBRATE David Beckham’s return to playing as he prepares to take on Hollywood United in a pro-celebrity match.
Beckham he will representing the pros in La Galaxy white, although reserves the right to play the second half for Hollywood United dressed in a gamboge strip with taffeta sleeves.
Having helped the Los Angeles Galaxy to play no part in the MLS Cup Playoffs, David has selflessly freed up his time to bring football to the masses. And if that means cementing fledgling celebrity friendships then so be it.
At a time when other pros of his vintage are starring in such treats as Premier League All Stars on satellite TV, Becks has forgone the chance to tackle Angus Deayton and high-five Lee Latchford Evans from Steps to work on his game.
And on Tom Cruise and Katie he says: “But they have never turned around to us and said, ‘You have to be part of this’, because that’s now what we’re about.”
Indeed not. Posh and Becks are not Scientologists. Her Poshness has been seen sporting the red-string Kaballah bracelet. And it was half-Jewish David who hymned: “I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet.” That’s what they are about.
Says Dave: “They are amazing people who are just so positive about life and they have been great to us.”
And when David is talking about not talking about Scientology with celebrity Scientologist Tom Cruise, he is talking three or four times a week with Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony, a potential Scientologist.
Dave is putting in the hard yards. It was David who said: I’m just here for the red-carpet side.”
But it’s not all work. David’s home life comes first. “I bring them up exactly how I was brought up,” says David of his children, who may find it a chore to get Brooklyn to Chingford for net practice.
It’s not like he’s got a space ship to whiz him there in a trice is it. Is it?
“WORLD’S longest diary comes to an abrupt end,” announces the Times. We blanch. We scurry to the tabloids and learn that Victoria Beckham respects Tom Cruise’s religion and David is to be cast in bronze.
Whatever can the Times mean? The world’s longest diary is thriving.
But there is a pretender to the crown. The Times looks at the work of the Rev Robert Shields, who has died and left behind a 37.5million word document.
The Beckhams might well scoff, but the Reverend began his diary only 25 years ago.
And the purpose? As Shields said: “Maybe by looking into someone’s life at that depth, every minute of every day, they will find out something about all people. I don’t know. No way to tell.”
Highlights from Sunday, August 13, 1995…
7.25-7.30 – “I sprayed and puddle and piddled and widdled”
8.40 – 8.45 – “I filled the humidifying basin mounted over the Futura baseboard heater”
9.25-9.35 – “I dressed in a pair of black Haband trousers, a hand white mesh shirt, the Huband blue blazer with simulated silver buttons, eyeglasses, the 14-degree Masonic ring, both hearing aids”
9:45 – 9.50 – “I felt a tickle in my throat. It might be a cold. A coff. Called agent. “Colden Ball,” said news story. Victoria no cold”
Pic: The Spine
Another day and another chance for the Royal Family to show that beneath the taffeta and the lace, under the bridge work and ten paces to the left of the special constable they are but a blood transfusion away from being just plain rich.
As the Sunday Mirror reports, Beatrice has struck up an “unlikely friendship with pop princess Lily Allen”.
Readers learn that Beatrice Windsor has found cause to visits Allen’s East London home. She has drunk shots and danced around Lily’s living room.
A party-goer says: “Bea was great fun. Her and Lily were controlling the stereo and putting on the tunes – and leading the dancing. Bea was loving being in with the music crowd.”
And her she is giving full throat to the line: “I’m not so royal now, am I.” indeed, not, she has achieved the improbable and become still more royal. Beatrice Windsor is the length of a Nazi uniform away from being as royal as they come…
Britney returns to the courtroom. Britney Spears sobs.
Troubled Britney is embroiled in a custody case with her estranged husband K-Ferret. Earlier, Troubled Britney’s lawyer, Thomas Paine Dunlap, opined that video of the depositions would almost certainly wind up on YouTube. He wanted protection for his client. Granted.
Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon says: “I’m not chastising her. She’s an adult. But what I’m saying is someone who is always going to places where there is an inordinate amount of media, it doesn’t square.”
Says Dunlap: “If she goes to Starbucks, there’s media there. If she goes shopping, there’s media there.”
The media is there if she goes to a courtroom, leaves a courtroom, snorts a courtroom etc…
VICTORIA Beckham is “waisted in LA”. The Sun’s scoop is that Vicky is wearing a waistcoat…in Los Angeles. What with the fires and all. “Posh, 33, flew into Los Angeles airport from Japan in the sleeveless top.” We have every reason to believe Her Poshness wore her oputfit in Japan, too. Reports to follow…
“I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life, brought me to hospital.” Winehouse was on a composite blend of heroin, ketamine, cocaine and ecstasy.
“Often I don’t know what I do. Then the next day the memory returns. Blake told me later what had happened. And then I am engulfed in shame.” For shame.
But the real issue is at hand. A problem has been solved. Winehouse cannot be “Troubled” for that is the lot of Britney Spears, who is performing under the headline billing “Troubled Britney”. Winehouse should be Tortured.
And for “Tortured Amy Winehouse” we thank the Star…
Is this a remake of Carrie that went wrong? Went right?
“Remember, remember, the firth of November,” says the Star, holding a bacon upon the date Britney Spears plans to torch her ex-lover.
It is said that Spears plans a Bonfire Night party at her home and is urging her “fellow bunny-boilers” to produce effigies of their former flames to toss upon the pyre.
So it’s goodbye, K-Ferret. Goodbye Justin Timberlake. And goodbye Prince Andrew. Sarah Ferguson is on the phone. Says she: “I’d love to talk to Brit. I feel sorry for her. I want to tell her, it’s all okay. We could be friends.”
Britney could nestle into her dirty pillows…
Congratulations to Kerry, who can be seen on the front of OK! assuming the position by holding her pregnant tum-tum and showing her white teeth.
By way of a legend to mark the monument, Kerry offers: “OUR GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR MIRACLE BABY”. Or: “IF IT’S A BOY I’LL BUY MARK A LAMBORGHINI.”
Indeed, dear reader, the Lamborghini part smacks of sponsorship and Warrington has been independent ever since Albert’s Motor Mart and Discount Baby Supplies shut its doors for good.
Best to stick with the “miracles” inscription, it being a fitting word for Kerry, for whom the world “miracle” surmises a career…
Quote of the day – Kerry: “The only thing I get down about is my depression.”
For some time Anorak has been studying the National Enquirer and translating its bon mots for your education. But rarely if ever have we encountered a line that so succinctly epitomises the goings on in Hollywood .
The only things missing from this tableau are the ages of all parties concerned. And we note that Nolte is 66, Clytie – “who appeared in the movie Coffee Date” – is in her thirties.
The baby, a girl, has yet to be named. And we await that development with no little enthusiasm…
ANNA Nicole Smith is dead. And the making of tabloid sensation…
“TROUBLED Britney Spears is in the Mirror. She’s wearing clothes. Again. Troubled Britney is sporting a pair of green and yellow tartan shorts that are seemingly being chewed by her thighs in readiness for ingestion.
But though the Mirror is fearless in its dedication to relay each of Troubled Britney’s outfits to the watching world, it fails in one key area: are the shorts flame retardant?
With no label showing, we are left to wonder. And worry. As the Mail notes, the Malibu fires have impacted on Troubled Britney’s life. “I’m real scared,” says she. “I don’t think it touched my house.”
But if it is has, then where will Troubled Britney go? News in the Mail is that her other home at The Promises rehab centre has been evacuated.
The fires are raging. And Troubled Britney is in the news. And we look once more at those short and wonder if the chaffing of fabric on thigh has produced a spark not only of interest.
Is there really no such thing as bad publicity..?
SAYS Strictly Come Dancing agonist Penny Lancaster in her diary: “It’s the eve of Strictly, so as a treat dinner’s on the table when I get in. Rod’s got a chef to cook us pork chops and mashed potatoes, then I’m on my way to the salon for a quick St Tropez tan. When I get home I pop my head round the door to look at my son Alistair, who’s fast asleep. I get into my bed, exhausted”.
Mum. Wife. Pro-celebrity dancer. Penny does the lot.
THE COAST IS TOAST,” says the cover of a DVD starring Tommy Lee Jones as man trying to plug a Volcano with his thumb and bridled grit.
But this is real. Malibu is alight. The sky is boiling. As Chris Ayres writes in the Times: “Celebrities were running screaming from their blazing mansions. And the AL Goreans were on TV again, spreading the word about the end of the world.”
Blame the porn industry, air conditioning and the Jews; whatever the reason, Malibu is alight. It’s not the trailer for a new disaster film. This is real.
As the Mirror notes, that really is Cher’s house in the line of fire. Will it survive? Will Cher’s face hold up in so much heat?
Will the homes of Adam Sandler, Sting, Pamela Anderson, Mel Gibson, Jane Seymour, Tom Hanks, Olivia Newton-John, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston last out? Val Kilmer, says the Telegraph. Jim Carrey. The Sun produces Sean Penn, Pierce Brosnan and Barbra Streisand.
The Mirror has an overhead view of the area and the homes mapped out. We look. We think. And Anorak asks the burning question: “Who gets saved first?”
And we throw in Richard Gere, Robert Redford and Diana Ross.
“It’s a tragic time for California,” says State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Who advocates an alphabetical approach to life saving, starting with A for Arnold…
A PAL of Amy Winehouse tells us: “We were chuffed when she was caught with cannabis. Everyone used to worry about her cannabis habit, but now we look back at those days fondly.” Filed under “beyond parody”…
The paper holds its nose as guests hotel in Bergen complain about the whiff of “weed” from the Winehouse room.
Police arrive. Blake Fielder-Civil, a man so edgy even his name sounds like a provincial solicitors’ practice, and one Alexander Foden are pinched. It is 7pm. In the Mirror it is “around 5pm”. Drugs can mess with your sense of time.
The Sun’s women in the corridor notes: “I’m told it looked like a scene from action movie Lethal Weapon.”
No experts in Norwigian crime, we wonder at the rightness of employing an LA cop with suicidal tendencies and his American sidekick to arrest the star. Might it be that Norway is not versed in celebrity and needs to call in the professionals?
“Spliffs,” says the Sun. A source says: “They are very strict about drug taking in Norway. With her past record they thought there was more than just a couple of spliffs. When she opened the hotel room door it was obvious she was wasted. She was mumbling and no one could understand her. She was co-operative and even let an officer in training look in her eyes so he could recognise how a person high on drugs looks.”
Norwegian police now know that a person “high” on drugs has a backcombed, enhanced beehive, a pair of breasts drawn in her arm and a concert tour to promote…
But a therapeutic interview was not Lohan’s first post-rehab move. Number one on the agenda was “to focus on my sobriety”.
Lindsay will imbibe Lindsay. As she tells us, the most important thing rehab taught her was “to focus on ourselves”.
Odd indeed that any Hollywood starlet should need to discover that it all about me. But rehab is less about teaching than re-connecting.
And should Lindsay Lohan relapse, one imagines any number of rehab centres will be on had to help Lindsay Lohan see what is truly important: Lindsay Lohan.
And now we learn over the wires that Britney Spears is losing contact with her kids again.
“Troubled Britney” is now forbidden from visiting with 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, both currently living with Spears’ ex- husband, Kevin Federline.
If Troubled Britney wants to see her children she must comply with a court order, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled. Or else wait to see them on TV confessional chat shows years from now.
In addition to ordering the twice-weekly drug tests, Gordon ordered Spears to spend eight hours per week working with a “parenting coach,” who was to observe her interactions with her children.
At once we see opportunity grasped from the jaws of loss. A TV show. And we too can look on and see how Britney functions with her kids. And if we look on via an HD TV set, we can see the minute details the newspapers might miss…
THE Tabloid headline of the day, as told by the National Enquirer, on the matter of Jennifer Aniston: “Her ex waxer tells all!”
Look out for the “Rachel cut” at a slon near you. Why? Because you’re worth it!
But we expect less than the venue’s parishoners, who expected so many pieces of silver.
As the Telegraph reports, St Mary’s was the venue for Stage 1 of the Liz Hurley wedding to Leeds’ very own Arun Nayar. And, as reported, the worshippers had expected to receive riches for Hurley’s use of the facilities. They are “upset”.
A Sue Williams, parish treasure, tells us: “We do normally charge a fee before a wedding blessing. There are a number of costs to cover, for the choir, the organist and vicar to attend, the bill normally would be in the region of £1,000.”
She adds: “Even the not well off make a financial donation.”
A spokesman for Hurley Home and Mr Liz says: “They’re hoping they’ll be finished in time for Christmas.”
We too. The thrill of kneeling on an actual Hurley Heeler as you give thanks and scrape blood and curry sauce from the carpet after the family dinner cannot be overstated…
The magazine goes on to advertise “93 ‘It’ Boots”, doubtless a nod to Heather Mills and anyone else with a spare leg.
But we stay with Beckham and see her entering a fashion show in Paris. She is late. Fashionably so. Buts, sadly, in last season’s fashion and there are boos and much noisy eye-rolling.
And a heated debate. A source hears Victoria’s people rowing with singer Kanye West’s people about who should arrive last at which show. Of course with this being fashion there are handbags. But all is made well when Victoria and Kanye agree to disagree and place one limb each into the same trouser leg and arrive together but apart.
It’s not about fashion, see. The Times’ fashion editor says it is all about branding. Not – repeat not – fashion. Branding is like getting dressed by committee.
Victoria should look like a clotheshorse but with much input she ends up resembling a camel, albeit one who gives everyone else the hump…
The message is clear: if you look like an iffy parent, not all that good with children, seek out someone who seems worse. Ian Huntley is in jail. Britney turns to Jackson.
As Britney is said to have told a source: “He never lost his kids.”
And: “Britney is hoping he might be able to help her out. And, of course, a few days out of the limelight at Neverland would also be revealing break.”
Neverland is Jackson’s former home in California. It offers sanctuary to Britney. As the Star reports, she is only able to spend one night a week with her two sons. And what better place to share their limited time together than at the former main residence of a man who hung onto his family despite dangling little Blanket over a balcony and facing child abuse allegation (not guilty)?
The kids will love it. But if the little Spears don’t fancy the trip in mum’s car, Britney could always borrow from her parenting mentor and hire a couple of stage school children or dwarves and equip them with head scarves and blankets.
And consider a tetanus shot before using the rides…
Know: “Hysterical BRITNEY SPEARS threatened to kill herself by driving off a CLIFF.”
We join the action as Troubled Britney is sat in a car with her estranged husband, Kevin Federline.
The NOTW sees Troubled Britney and K-Ferret motoring down Mulholland Drive. Our attention is draw toward “huge drop that line the bendy road”.
It is what Hollywood types call a Cliffhanger.
Troubled Britney turns to K-Ferret. Says she: “I’m going to drive off the cliff! It’s going to be your fault that I killed myself.”
The words resonate within the car – and reverberate the way to the NOTW’s offices in a less salubrious part of London.
And Troubled Britney’s battered white Fiat Uno drives on…