"PEOPLE with left hand is very intelligent."
Nikkkki said that. And d’yer know what? Go on, guess. Even if you’re a painfully thick right-handed dunce, give it your best shot. Yes, that’s it. Nikki is left-handed.
So clever is Nikki that she has taken to speaking in a fractured kind of English, a language style only previously heard when a Hollywood ‘Red Man’ was talking to John “heap big cattle rancher”. Nikki only using words necessary communicate.
Of course Richard had to turn this into a conversation. "What do you use?" he asked, looking every inch the coconut waiting to be shied.
"Left-handed," said Nikki, grasping the full thorn of the question in the manner of a typically gifted left-hander. "What do you use?" she asked. "Right, said Richard, “so I’m less intelligent.”
Right. And Right. Congratulations to Richard. He’s not a dense as his right-handedness leads us to believe.
Buoyed by that, Nikkkki asked the house: "Who’s left-handed?"
"I am," said Lea. "I do know this." As a left hander, Lea would know that. And we’d like to ask her why it is she has seemingly felt-tipped her eyebrows on with her right hand. Is she empathising with Richard? Or was her left hand busy doing sums and other brainy stuff?
"Are you left-handed? Isn’t that a fact? Susie, are you left-handed? Left-handed people are more intelligent," Nikki went on, her language developing into something more robotic. Snoozie looked like she was thinking. But it was probably her make-up bedding in. "I am," she said.
"Well, there you are," said Nikki. "We’re all more intelligent."
Indeed, left-handers are bursting with intelligence. So much brain do left-handers have that they need to find extra space to store it in.
Which explains why Lea, Nikkkki and Snoozie all have enlarged chests. To help them think.
Posted: 7th, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
WE have now watched Imogen for seven weeks. And we have kept a tally of her contributions to date.
We cannot be precise, but the following figures are based on some solid guess word and some other things less certain.
Over the better part of two months, we have seen Imogen kiss (three times), fondle (twice), smile inanely in a broad and obvious way (thirty five times) and speak (forty two times).
Over the same period to time we have been observing the movements and behavioural patterns of a patch of grass on the inner quadrant at Anorak.co.uk Towers.
And to compare, the grass has been: trodden on (seven times), rained on (twenty times) and frotted by a passing cat (once). It has also grown (constantly).
In the interests of better science, we have painted a corner of Old Mr Anorak’s ‘Wednesday’ office and are studying how the paint dries. Results of this experiment will follow.
And then Imogen spoke.
There now follows Imogen’s words in context.
Lea, speaking of JaYne: "She knows who has nominated. She knows everything about us. And she says it should be all fun, fun, fun. It can’t be! We’ve been here for seven weeks!”
Lea is right. If there is one undeniable truth it is that this Big Brother has not been about fun all the time – or any of the time.
Lea: "I know she’s only just got here, but we can’t be 24-hour partying. Some days we want to chill. Yesterday she said she wanted to get eggs and splat them on people’s heads to see what would happen."
And then Imogen spoke.
Imogen: "No f****** way. Eggs are a luxury!"
Big points to Imogen. As yet, we have not heard the grass say that. Nor the paint…
Posted: 6th, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
IN walks Jayne ‘With a ‘Why?’. The old house has a new housemate.
Not that the old heads weren’t expecting something. The Big Brother houses have been built to a specification usually reserved for starter homes on the outskirts of provincial towns.
The walls are thin. You can hear through them. If you were to shine a bright light at the dividers, you could probably see through to the other side. They are thin. No, wait, Nikkki is thin – the walls are emaciated. And they have better table manners.
So here comes Jayne ‘With a Why’. And the screaming begins. And the new housemates hear it. And they know that whoever Aisleyne selects for eviction goes into the old house.
What to do? Aisleyne says that whatever she has to do, she can’t do?
Meanwhile Nikkki says that Jayne ‘With a Y’ is “so nice”. She is “so normal”. You suppose that being nice and normal to Nikki are just about the worst things anyone can be, short of being a brunette or not having a fake tan.
Though it is hard to believe JaYne is that nice. “Jayne will probably tell the new housemates when they’re being boring. If they’re around the pool, she will probably push them in, she’s a bit of a daredevil," says her aunt Christine.
“JaYne isn’t a lady, Susie will look down on her. She’s not ladylike, she can be a tomboy."
So JaYne might push Snoozie in. And Snoozie will most likely float and bob about a bit. She’s unsinkable is Snoozie.
Unlike JaYne, who started out by asking the housemates which of them did not like Aisleyne. Only Nikkkki raised her hand.
JaYne then got on Mikey’s shoulders for a fight in the pool. Mickey buckled. JaYne fell in. She waved. When she waves a couple more times, we’ll let you know…
Posted: 5th, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Jayne is out. Well, out of the new house and into the new house.
There she may well behave like she did in the new house. She may well be loud and break her bed. She may still be from Slough – surely that is something that never leaves you.
Her eviction was down to Aisleyne. “I don’t wanna do it… I feel sick…" said Aisleyne. "I don’t know, I don’t know.” Only she had to do it.
"Hang on a second," Jonathan shouted. "You must evict someone… It might be into the House next door."
Aisleyne wasn’t listening. Had she been, she would have selected Jonathan. He had sensed the mood of the game correctly and would have been less inclined to go to the old house and badmouth Aisleyne.
But Aisleyne had made her mind up. Jayne had to go. So she did.
"F*** her," Jayne spat.
It was a bitchy and foulmouthed response. It was just the kind of thing that will see Jayne accepted in the old house.
Posted: 4th, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Is Aisleyne’s new house like Celebrity Big Brother?
Is Aisleyne the Michael Barrymore of the group and the rest, the unknowns, a bunch of Chantelle Houghtons?
So successful was Celebrity Big Brother that we can’t blame the producers for trying to bring some of its undoubted magic to its normal show.
Aislyene is only an embryonic celebrity, but she is every bit as famous as CBB’s Pete Burns. Who was Preston when he arrived in the house? What was Maggot?
So Aisleyne is the celebrity and the rest are the Chantelles.
Which leads us to wonder what will become of Aisleyne? She won’t win the show. She can’t. A Chantelle will win. We like the underdog and Aislyene is now too well known.
And if she does not win – and she won’t – what will become of Aisleyne? And while you ponder that, ask yourself what became of Faria Alam? And Jodie Marsh?
Posted: 3rd, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Let’s go through the keyhole and take a look at the new housemates.
Jonathan is a bisexual bouncer from Keswick, Cumbria. He says he is “too sexual at times”. He is “energetic, horny and comical”. Claim to fame: “I danced with Five Star at Butlins in Skegness three years ago. I was better.” (Not danced TO Five Star.) Fame is his for the taking.
Jayne is from Slough. She’s a fan of Big Brother. “Live it, breathe it, sleep it, eat it, want it for breakfast.” As we say, Jayne is from Slough. Escapism is her thing.
Michael is a gay former pole dancer. He’s from Oldham. He may just be the only gay former pole dancer to have lived in the Lancashire town.
Jennie is 18. She looks much older. She’s a Scouser. She is fluent in Turkish and French. She could translate what Mikey is saying.
And there’s Spiral. He’s a rapper from Dublin. Really. We do not make this up. He says you don’t need to drink to have a good time”. No, but in Big Brother it helps.
Meanwhile back in the original house (remember it?) things were much as ever they were: dull.
Maybe we could just leave them there and start again? Would anyone notice if we never saw any of that bunch again? You know, Pete and, er, umm…
Posted: 2nd, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Tonight Aisleyne will surely go into the house next door, and Snoozie will go to sit on a chair before Davina and tell us about life in the Big Brother houzzzzz…
It is pretty obvious to all that having removed the most interesting housemates – Sezer, Grace, Shahbaz – the house is now full of crashing bores. Who would not swap pretty vacant Imogen for Grace, dull Glyn for Shahbaz and mute Mikey for Sezer?
We at Anorak have mapped Snoozie’s features onto a chart and comparing them with some TV stars of old note that her face is less mobile than the Test Card F girl who used to fill the gap between episodes of Pebble Mill.
TV viewers of a certain vintage will remember the girl, Carole Hersee, wearing an Alice-band and locked in eternal nought-and-crosses combat with a terrifying stuffed clown.
Recalling it causes us to wonder how original Big Brother is. If young Carole could have just written “W*****s” on the blackboard instead an “X”, she’d now be as famous as Pete or Jade Goody.
But at least the mistakes of the past have been noted and they will not happen again. Why? Because when Aisleyne moves next door she will be given the chance to evict the new housemate she likes the least.
But they will not leave. No. The reject will simply take Aisleyne’s place in the original house. This will ensure that the most annoying, antagonist wannabe will remain on our screens. And for that we are grateful.
This trick will go on until at last two or three of the new housemates have moved into the new house. And then Aisleyne will return to old house at the end of the week. And there will be much wailing and beating of chests.
And what of these new housemates? Well, they are likely to be single mum Jayne Kitt, Liverpudlian Jenny Parker and twins Andrew and Marcus.
Of course we won’t know until tonight. And so long as Snoozie doesn’t put us all into deep sleep we should be able to see them entering the house.
If you are worried about nodding off into a Snoozie-induced coma, try to remain awake by sitting on a hard wooden chair and playing nought-and-crosses with a stuffed toy…
Posted: 1st, July 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
“BIG BRO LEA IS SECRET ALKY,” screams the front page of the Star and we are shocked.
Lea drinks a bottle of “cheap” vodka every day. But – get this – any talk of her addiction has been airbrushed out of the show.
Incredible as it seems, viewers are not getting the full picture of life in the house.
Of course, this is no big news. The show is heavily edited.
Editing is what makes Glyn look even slightly interesting? Editing enables us to hear Mikey actually speak. Editing has helped make this house the bitchiest ever.
And editing has cured Lea of her alcohol problem. Says a source: “During the show Lea has been talking about how she drinks a bottle of Tesco home brand vodka a day – and even proudly announced it cost only £4.74 a bottle.”
But this confession has never been broadcast. It has joined all those other bits of Lea on the cutting room floor.
But there is a problem with this news. If Lea is an “alky”, as the Star puts it with a rare sensitivity, where is she getting the booze from?
Does she have a stash of vodka under her bed? Are her breasts full of the stuff, her nipples acting as optics – right nipple for neat vodka, left nipple for more vodka with a twist of lemon?
And if so, where does she keep the mixers?
Posted: 30th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Aisleyne has fallen out with her on-screen mum Lea.
“I think she’s evil for crying all the time, making people sorry for her," says Aisleyne.
Bus Aisleyne should not be so hard faced (she’s no Snoozie with those rigid features). Lea might be playing the game, but in crying she has helped clear up something that has been bothering us here at Anorak.
We are now pretty certain that Lea’s eyebrows are drawn on with a kind of indelible ink. We had believed them to be the product of a felt-tip pen, but now think Lea invested in something more technologically advanced.
We also note that Lea’s tan has not run during her teary moments. And that is good. We suspect that Lea has been painted with an orange dye and then varnished.
Though she looks far older than her 35 years (we have seen the birth certificate and she really is as she claims), Lea will not age.
So long as she takes care not to chip her outermost sealant, she should look 49 well into her sixties and seventies.
Posted: 30th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Keeping Up With The Neighbours
Aisleyne or Snoozie?
Who goes? Who moves next door? Who doesn’t already know?
Aisleyne may have teeth only previously seen biting into bright green apples on averts for denture fixatives and a name that sounds like a cure for mouth ulcers, but she is moderately likeable.
Snoozie is sure to go. And when she is gone it will be like she was never there. All that will remain of Snoozie will be two odd sized divots in the garden.
The mystery is where Aisleyne will end up. We know there is a house next door. But what kind of house is it? Remember the Big Brother Bedsit with Michelle Bass watching the house on TV?
Or last year’s Secret Garden with Eugene, Orlaith and Kinga?
Looking at the picture, it seems the new house will have a garden, which means the old housemates and new housemates will be able to hear each other.
The new housemates will be able to tell the old ones just how dull they are. That Lea is really Tamara Beckwith’s missing twin. That Richard is really called Trevor. That Pete is going to win.
Unless, of course, they haven’t been watching the show? And they been far away in Australia. You heard it here first…
Posted: 29th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
While Mikey celebrated England beating Ecuador 1-0 – security guards listening to the game on their radios had told him the score (or had they?) – Beckham threw up over the pitch.
And – yes! – that’s right. It was only hours earlier that Glyn had been seen redecorating the house in a technicolour rainbow of sick.
How long will it be before Becks starts talking in Welsh and asking people if they “know what I mean”? Not very, we’d wager…
Posted: 28th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
What’s that under Nikki’s bed?
No, not the mass of hair and knickers, that other thing. No, not the bottle of beer she snaffled from Glyn, something else.
Yes, that round thing. What is it? A dropping of some sort? No. It’s a fig? And not just one fig but a whole stash of the seedy fruits.
“I’m very concerned,” says Nikkkki’s mum. “Nutritionist and GP Dr Rosemary Leonard says Nikkkkkkkki needs to come out of that house “right now”.
It seems that figs are nature’s laxatives. And Nikki has had issues with her weight. Might it be that these fruits are helping Nikkkki to stay slim, not allowing any foodstuffs to remain in her body long enough to cause her to gain weight?
The fear is just that.
But we who have watched Nikki over the past month and more have another comment to make on her eating habits. Why is it when Nikki eats, she tries to take in not just the food but the cutlery on which it is served?
When Nikki eats with a fork, you can hear her teeth jar on the metal. This is either a woman not well practised in the ways of eating, or one who likes the taste of metal.
And so too last night. We gasped as Nikki ate a huge tub of yoghurt – while standing up and talking – and appeared to savour the spoon every bit as much as she did the cheesy goo.
Is Nikkki a metallophile? And if she is, does it explain why she loves the camera so much – it being made of metal and all. And, if so, will she try and eat it?
Posted: 27th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
It’s just no good. No amount of careful editing can make this bunch appealing. Take Pete out of the house and you have the dullest bunch of wannabes since Big Brother 4.
Back then, Cameron was the winner. This year, efforts are being made to make Glyn appear interesting.
Indeed, Glyn and Cameron share many common attributes – both come from isolated parts of the country (Glyn from somewhere in darkest Wales; Cameron from a remote part of Scotland); both are sexual innocents; both possess less charisma than canned tuna. Or Bonn-eh.
And when we look we note more similarities between then and now. Remember Scott, the boring Scouser. Now see Mikey.
And there was Tania. She’d slept with a professional footballer. Now we have Imogen, who has, apparently, slept with three of that breed.
And tarty Anouska, who wore hardly any clothes and wanted to have loadsa sex? And Lea, who may well have had more sex than Anouska but craves more.
And Justine, who no-one can remember. And this year’s Dawn, although they say smell is the thing that remains the memory the longest, so we may well be wrong on this point.
And Lisa Jeynes, who may have been a man that dressed like a woman. And Sam, who may have been a man who dressed like a woman.
But things are to change. There are to be five new housemates. They will move in next door to the current bunch in a separate house.
On Monday, two people will be up for eviction. One will leave. And one will go to the new house. There, they will joined by the new housemates.
And so long as the arrivals are not called Scott, Cameron, Tania, Anouska and Lisa, things should go well…
Posted: 26th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
At last the truth is ours. And we owe Mikey an apology.
The front page of today’s Star newspaper reveals that Mikey is impossible to understand because he is speaking Farsi.
“He’s Iranian not Scouse,” says the headline. “His real name is Sahin.” And, in case you were in any doubt, “he’s never been a model”.
Mikey Dalton’s given name is Sahin Hamadani. The Star tells its readers that this name means Falcon in Farsi.
The paper also says that Mikey’s mum is English and called Jean. His dad is called Mostafa. He changed his name – using his mum’s maiden name – to avoid being picked on at school.
It was a cunning plan. And it might have worked had Mikey remembered to speak English in the house. But he did not.
But needs must and now armed with an English-Farsi dictionary (Liverpool edition) we set about translating Mikey’s output thus far.
But the lexicon is not up to date and if anyone out these can translate “ÑæäÇáÏæ ãåÇÌã like åäå ÇÑ er ÈÑÒíá reat ÈÇáÇÎÑå ÏÑ like ÈÇÒی ÈÇ yooonowÇä ÏÑÎÔíÏ like æ Ïæ á Èå ËãÑ” into English then please get in touch.
Posted: 25th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
As Shahbaz returns to his life as an amoeba, he may like to note that life can return to what it was before he crashed and burnt so horribly.
Back on Big Brother 3, on Thursday 30th May 2002, trainee Barrister Sunita Sharma walked from the show. She survived the experience and is now a practising lawyer.
When she left she tipped Jade to win the show’s £70,000 prize. "She’s so vibrant all the time and she comes out with some really funny things. You don’t mind listening to her,” said Sunita.
Sunita was wrong about that. Jade did not win the show, and neither did Sandy Cummings, who climbed out of the Big Brother compound and back to his job as a personal shopper at a London department store.
So all is not lost for Shahbaz. Although this is not to say Shahbaz will become a lawyer or a dresser of women unable to dress themselves.
Could you imagine the Scot handling your draws, like Sandy, or your briefs, like Sunita?
Posted: 25th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
IS it better not to be understood than it is to be incomprehensible? Is it better to be Nikkkki and Lea, or Mikey?
Nikkki has already, as readers of Anorak are aware, given us the word “amniosity”. On hearing it we were minded of US soap operas Dallas, in particular those moments when Donna Culver Krebbs would talk about her amniocentesis test.
Whether this is what Nikki meant by amniosity we are unsure, but if she did, then Stetson hats off to her for it.
And then there is Lea. Looking at Peter and her surrogate daughter Aisleyne cosying up, Lea observed: "He’s really expressionate when he’s talking to her.”
Yeah. Expressionate. It’s not up there with amniosity but as a new word we commend Lea for her efforts. And will be listening out for it in future episodes of EastEnders.
But, of course, we have a rough idea what Lea means by expressionate. And what with this being Lea, it is a very, very rough idea.
Which perhaps makes Lea and Nikkkkkkki better than Mikey. He hasn’t made up any new words yet. But, then again, he is talking in a foreign language.
Which returns us to our original poser: is it better to be understood than it is to be incomprehensible? Is it better to be Mikey, Lea or Nikki?
Posted: 24th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Let’s talk about Mikey. And let us do it in a way that Mikey will understand: “Mmph rugs hugerl philo like huirrtol etogguy like, isn’t eart? Like.”
And while we are talking about the man, let us find out how he became one. Step forward, cram your substantial frame into a tight, cheap satin bodice, Michelle Harrison.
Michelle wants the world to know that it was she who was Mikey’s first sexual conquest.
“We went on a double date to see The Exorcist,” says Michelle in the Mirror. “Mikey was a great kisser and we started seeing each other. Later he called and said, “My parents are out. Can you come over?”
“and trained him to be the perfect boyfriend and lover.”
And for those girls who want to woo Mickey, and who overly aren’t bothered about pillow talk (Mikey sounds as if he is being suffocated by one), Michelle says he likes “tall, confident, drop-dead gorgeous girl”.
And, no, since you asked, she hasn’t seen Mikey in ages…
Posted: 23rd, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Lea and Aisleyne sat in the Diary Room. And one thought crossed our minds – are they related? Are they mother and daughter?
Theirs was undoubtedly the most revolting performance ever seen on the chair. Aisleyne, with her immobile face and Liberace-style teeth, was sat behind her onscreen ‘mum’.
Lea then began telling the world that she is a woman of few needs, and can get by on a mixture of “money, alcohol and ****”.
(Clue: the asterisks are not a substitute for the word “food”, neither are they in place of the words “baps”, “Botox”, "filler”, “glue”, “Mr Kipling Cherry Bakewells” or “class”.)
And we urge the housemates – if they are tuning in to Anorak via Snoozie’s radar dish-styled appendages – to add lots of cleaning fluid and disinfectant to this week’s shopping list.
Indeed, get some petrol and burn the chair. It will be cheaper in the long run. But not as cheap as Aisleyne and Lea, obviously.
Posted: 22nd, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
F***! Its Tourettes Week Awareness Time on Anorak.co.uk and we are entering into the spirit of the thing.
And we are not alone. Nikki is showing her support for the cause by swearing lots.
Nikki seems to have decided that being high maintenance is an attractive thing and has taken to screaming for f****ng bottled water.
And theres Lisa. She swears about pretty much anything. She is a prolific and fluent swearer. She says Pete makes her feel normal. And she would be No.1 swearer were it not for Pete.
Of course, whereas Nikkis foul mouth is a motif for her passionate belief in the benefits of sipping bottled water, and Lisas swearing epitomises what she is, Petes swearing is uncontrollable.
To some it might even be comic, especially those moments when discussing how much he likes all his housemates he blurts out w****ers.
Pete has a stated desire to be a “famous Touretter”. And though winning now, the competition is full, frank and f***ing desperate
Posted: 21st, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Lisa Huo! It’s a name you can really shout, like “
But resist the urge to scream it. Fight the temptation to chant “Get Huo Out” or “Oh No Huo Must Go”. You are not in the playground now, picking on the least likeable, weakest child. You are not Grace. You are better than that. Hell, everyone is better than that.
Lisa is going to be barred from this week’s nominations. This is because Lisa has been discussing nominations with her housemates. This is against the rules. Nikkkki is also barred. So is Lea. So is Glyn.
And so too, of course, is Imogen, for whom this will be the third week without the right to vote. (With a mind that hers, let’s hope Imogen can get by on her looks.)
Which all means that only creepy Aisleyne, Snoozie, Pete, Mikey and Richard can vote. Which means that Lisa is very likely to be up for the chop. And this is not her fault. You see, Lisa is a copycat.
When Pete and his Tourette’s were new and exciting (before his twitches and swearing were edited out), Lisa seemed to develop his condition. Pete’s Tourette’s was her Tourette’s.
When Grace became a bitch, Lisa too began to bitch. When everyone seemed to be copping off and coupling up, Lisa hounded Pete. The only thing preventing Lisa getting her chest enlarged, and so being like Nikki, Aisleyne and Lea, is the fact that sterilising the surgical knives and forks would waste precious alcohol. And so to our point: Lisa deliberately got herself barred from nominations.
Contentious? Mais oui. Lisa just wants to be in. Being banned from nominations means Lisa has joined a group. Lisa is now united with four other housemates. She is in the gang. Lisa belongs.
Should she be voted out for just wanting to be like the others? We think not. We say keep her in the house and see how long before she starts behaving like Glyn.
Leave her in the house forever – and watch as she starts looking like the furniture and talking to the walls…
Posted: 21st, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Lisa Huo! It’s a name you can really shout, like “Westward Huo!” or “Hi-Huo Silver!”.
But resist the urge to scream it. Fight the temptation to chant “Get Huo Out” or “Oh No Huo Must Go”. You are not in the playground now, picking on the least likeable, weakest child. You are not Grace. You are better than that. Hell, everyone is better than that.
Lisa is going to be barred from this week’s nominations. This is because Lisa has been discussing nominations with her housemates. This is against the rules.
Nikkkki is also barred. So is Lea. So is Glyn. And so too, of course, is Imogen, for whom this will be the third week without the right to vote. (With a mind that hers, let’s hope Imogen can get by on her looks.)
Which all means that only creepy Aisleyne, Snoozie, Pete, Mikey and Richard can vote. Which means that Lisa is very likely to be up for the chop.
And this is not her fault. You see, Lisa is a copycat. When Pete and his Tourette’s were new and exciting (before his twitches and swearing were edited out), Lisa seemed to develop his condition. Pete’s Tourette’s was her Tourette’s.
When Grace became a bitch, Lisa too began to bitch.
When everyone seemed to be copping off and coupling up, Lisa hounded Pete.
The only thing preventing Lisa getting her chest enlarged, and so being like Nikki, Aisleyne and Lea, is the fact that sterilising the surgical knives and forks would waste precious alcohol.
And so to our point: Lisa deliberately got herself barred from nominations. Contentious? Mais oui. Lisa just wants to be in. Being banned from nominations means Lisa has joined a group. Lisa is now united with four other housemates. She is in the gang. Lisa belongs.
Should she be voted out for just wanting to be like the others? We think not. We say keep her in the house and see how long before she starts behaving like Glyn.
Leave her in the house forever – and watch as she starts looking like the furniture and talking to the walls…
Posted: 21st, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Bring it on! Bring it on! I can deal with it. There are a lot of TV agents who want to sign me up. So says Graceless Grace, who is enjoying her moments of fame in the Sunday People.
And her dad Karl is delighted for her. It didnt do Joan Collins any harm, did it? he asks. And before we can answer that Joan is an actress and her part in The Bitch was scripted, Karl says that Grace has been putting on a performance. Shes been acting like a petulant schoolgirl, says he.
Thats right. It is all an act. Grace manages to be bitchy, nasty and utterly unlovely because the part demands it. Hats off to her and, if the part demands more, possibly bra and knickers off too.
Well, if it worked for Joan
Posted: 20th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
If this is Big Brothers very own Watergate scandal, who is Deep Throat, the grass who tells all?
When Grace threw a glass of water over Snoozie, the housemates wondered if they had witnessed a moment of spontaneity or a planned attack.
Graces attempted coup de grace on Snoozies reign failed horribly – not least of all because she seemed to miss her intended target. (If EastEnders has taught us anything it is that drinks should be poured over the head in a slow and deliberate manner.)
And so to the investigation. Who was behind it? Was Lea Deep Throat? The porn star and self-styled house mother figure said not. But she knew who was. Imogen and Lisa said to do it,” said Lea.
We never said owt. Who the **** said that?” demanded Lisa. Imogen, wet faced from Graces eviction, also denied any involvement.
And so it went on. Meanwhile, outside the house Davina was asking for a blow by blow account of what Grace and Mikey got up to under the covers.
Grace blushed. What did she know and was afraid to reveal? Was she a double agent? Was she Deep Throat?
Posted: 19th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
There was always a shock when she go her t**** out, says a regular of Londons Nags Head pub in the Sun, one was much higher than the other. She told everyone she was trying to raise cash to get them fixed.
To those of you not in the know, before the EastEnd of London became gentrified and covered in coffee chops and organic cycle surgeries, it boasted a collection of pound in a pint glass boozers. Some still exist, but you have to search for them (so Anorak.co.uk is told)
These pubs were lively places, made ever more vibrant by the arrival of the lunchtime special the stripper.
One such stripper was Big Brothers Snoozie, and it was her breasts that caused the locals to splutter into their crème de menthes.
But after collecting her glasses, Snoozie retuned to the pub three years alter and, as our man on a barstool says, re-appeared with them sorted out.
We are no experts in cosmetic surgery, but wed wager that having seen Snoozies attachments, few women are walking into the officers of Messers Nip n Tucks consulting rooms and ordering a pair of Snoozies.
Posted: 18th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
Grace is 50-1 on to be evicted from the Big Brother house.
A spokesman for bookmakers William Hill says: Grace makes Sezer look popular.
Thats quite some achievement – Sezer was 20-1 on for his eviction and polled a record 91.6 per cent of the vote.
So unliked is bitchy Grace that the bookmaker is even offering 100-1 on her polling 100 per cent of the vote. Which reminds us of Saddam Hussein.
In a referendum on his leadership in 2002, every one of Iraqs 11,445,638 eligible voters voted for the president to stay in power.
Is Grace the new Saddam? Or is she not that nice?
Posted: 16th, June 2006 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0
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