Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Both men belong to a past era: Clooney to the golden age of showbiz when the Rat Pack bestrode Vegas and never brought out a signature perfume nor felt driven to explain their lifestyle; Fabio is what happened to Sir Harry Paget Flashman when he moved to Italy, grew his hair and discovered girls and Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat.
The walking cover of a million penny dreadful romance novels, Fabio is seen entertaining the five female winners of a contest to watch him eat at Madeo restaurant.
On another table is George Clooney with female friend Sarah Larsen. Pictures are being taken by the Fabio party. Clooney notices. He thinks they are taking pictures of him. The Enquirer produces a picture of Clooney firmly in shot. He is ordering a copy of the print with his middle finger.
Fabio is incredulous. Fabio has the look of a man who thinks America is dubbed the land of opportunity because it gives the huddled masses the opportunity to meet him. He maintains the pictures of are of him and his winners.
Words are said. Fabio calls Clooney a “diva”, which may be a term of the highest praise. George drops what the Enquirer call an “F-bomb”. Says Fabio’s agent: “Clooney starred in ER and Fabio is going to send him back there.”
Macho stuff. And we see the cover to the book of the meeting now as Fabio (breeze-blown hair and leopard-trunks) looms over Dr George.
Madeo Man, by Jude Devereaux is available in good, bad and indifferent book shops…
Indeed, it is encouraging to note that Winehouse has not altered, the jailing, however temporary, of her husband not affecting her trademark look.
The Sun notes that her “lips are horribly cracked”, which may be a pun as readers learn that this is a “symptom sometimes associated with crack cocaine abuse”.
Cracking in the corners of the mouth (angular cheilitis) is fairly common. It can be due to repeated wetting and drying and it may help to use a lip salve to keep lips moist, an anti-fungal gel or find a less drying recreational drug.
Blake should take care to moisture, as the Sun says he has spent the first days of his incarceration sobbing. He has been nicknamed Soft Boy, by his news pals.
He needs to toughen up. Anorak recommends a vinegar-based rub…
Today, the Sun gives “Lady Mucca” a routine kicking on page three.
“Mucca is talking CARP” it declares (think about it). “FISH WEBSITE IS AS POPULAR.”
As popular as what?
As popular as Mills’s own website, which, the paper informs us, is “only the 242,174th most viewed in the UK – around the same as specialist carp.com”.
There’s worse to come: “More than a third of visitors – 36 per cent – were not even based in the UK.”
Ugh! Makes you all queasy, doesn’t it, thinking of all those non-UK-based types looking at it with their greasy foreign eyes…
Anyway, we think that “Mucca” should take some comfort from all this. Carp fans may be few, but they are loyal and passionate. One announced on national television that catching a prize carp was “better than sex”.
Who’s to say Heather can’t inspire her own followers to similar heights of hyperbole?
“IT’S a good laugh all this,” said Boy George back in May, commenting on the tale that he was planning to kidnap a male escort and use him as a bondage slave.
Now, as the Sun reports, George has been charged with false imprisonment. It is alleged that George, Boy did keep one Auden Karlsen prisoner in his flat.
It is also alleged that Auden was photographed, as arranged, and then, while tethered to a wall, pounced upon by George, who produced whips and sex toys and gave full throat to the line: “Now you’ll get what you deserve.”
Karlsen says he escaped by wrenching the chain from the walls and running for his life.
There is no comment from George, although it is believed that should any crime be proven he is buoyant that the punishment be both long and painful…
Our Britney would soon be starring in the Bournemouth Pavilion’s production of Sleeping Beauty, alongside Malandra Burrows (Emmerdale & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here), Helen Fraser (Body Bag from Bad Girls) as the Bad Fairy, Chris Pizzey (Mr Stephen from the Basil Brush show).
But over in America, things are done differently. There you have to make your own pantomime; you have to live the fantasy. And so it is that the New York Post brings news of Lynne Spears, Britney’s mum.
News is that Lynne has signed a deal with a Christian group to write her memoirs. We expect to read of a painful journey to the moment of Britney’s humble birth, then through trial and tribulation to the epiphany when Lynne realises that none of it would have been possible without her.
The newspaper tried to get an interview with Lynne. “You’ll have to call [Lynne’s] manager,” came the reply.
No, not a manger. A manager. Although, given the coming season and Lynne’s role…
So says the Sun, which notes that Heather’s lawyers have “dumped her”.
Princess Diana’s law firm Mishcon de Reya – who do not act for Kate McCann or Anthea Turner – have declined to act for Heather after she “defied advice NOT to talk about her marriage or the couple’s four-year-old daughter Beatrice”.
A source says: “Heather will make it out to be a David and Goliath battle. But how she thinks she can fight one of the best legal minds in the country is beyond belief.”
A mountain stands between Heather and the justice she craves.
Has she a chance? Has she elegance? Has she fragrance? Would she have, without the strain of this trial, radiance? How would she appeal? Has she had a happy married life? Has she been able to enjoy, rather than endure, her husband Sir Paul?”
Heather will be played by Marlene Dietrich; Sir Paul by Alan Rickman and Warren Mitchell
FIVE facts you never knew about Harry Dent-Brocklehurst and Lili Maltese. As detailed in conversation with OK! magazine:
1. When Lili’s son Jake (now aged 1) was born Lili had “no epidural, nothing. Obviously that was my preference but I would have done whatever was needed so the baby would have been safe.”
2. Lili would like to have a baby girl. “I would love a baby girl,” says Lili. But not necessarily an epidural. Although it would be wrong to rule one out
3. Lili “may just stop at three boys”. Although if she had a girl, she may stop at three boys and a girl. And an epidural. Or not
4. Lili wonders if “three is enough. Maybe we won’t get a baby girl, who knows?”
5. Lili and Henry will not be starring with Major James Hewitt in the Gloucester Players production of Dick Whittington
In this exclusive OK! interview Jolie tell us about her “amazing life”. “It’s “amazing!” Amazing!” says Angelina Jolie, removing all doubt.
Jolie is auditioning for her biopic, in which she will play “poor” Jennifer Aniston to Jennifer Aniston’s pathetic and some may says heartless, cold and husband-stealing Jolie. Caring Angelina would surely like it known that there is always a part for Jennifer in any project she and Brad embark up together, such it the strength of their deep and lasting love.
“Brad aside, Angelina is known for her big heart,” says OK!, skilfully not confusing her with that Aniston creature.
“Brad is so good with Mad, for example,” says Jolie, “and they’ve bonded in such a beautiful way that it almost makes me want to cry – and I never cry.” Not like that Aniston person who cries all the time.
“Honesty and trust are fundamental,” says Jolie. “Brad and I have together and that’s why we’re enjoying our life together.”
It sounds, well, amazing… “I could spend hours just watching Brad enjoying his time with the kids,” says she, words that could come from the mouths of any one of us – “except I’m usually busy changing clothes or getting the kids ready for bed myself!”
Not like that Aniston woman who has no children and only has herself to think about all day and all night…
a) Iran is building a nuclear bomb
b) Princess Diana never died but lives on the fabled Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols
c) Jennifer Lopez is pregnant
The answer is “c”. The rest we know.
“Yes, I’m pregnant,” says Jennifer Lopez, so making us all privy to the secret, which is, as the Star maintains, badly kept…
Pic: Matt ‘Hack’ Buck
“Amy man is cuffed and off to the cells,” says the Mirror’s front-page headline. “Baby, I love you.. Baby, I’ll be fine… I love you,” says Winehouse, words reading like an advertorial for her next compilation of hits.
“I want to go with him,” says Winehouse. “Baby, I love.” And many, many more. “I love you,” says Blake, gamely playing Sony to his wife’s Cher.
And then he is bundled into an unmarked police car. And so it is that Fielder-Civil has becomes the latest in a long lien of double barrels to be pinched.
It is alleged that Fielder-Civil did conspire to halt a trial in which he and one Michael Brown are accused of causing GBH with intent on a barman. It is claimed that £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.
The Mirror produces a picture of King allegedly withdrawing his claims. Another picture shows “middleman Ant” allegedly meeting with King to discuss the deal. The Mirror says Ant and an associated Jay contacted the Mirror claiming to have a tape showing the attack.
Over in the Sun, the front page shows police forcing their way in the Winehouse residence. She tells a friend: “We’re f***ed. God knows what they’ll find.”
Amy’s hair is high…
Or at least Nancy Shevell’s father, “mega-rich” Myron ‘Mike’ Shevell, was once accused of making pay-offs to the Mob. Mr Shevell works in trucking.
It’s a dirty business. Or a “DIRTY MAC”, as the Mirror puts it, with a barely veiled attack on Sir Paul’s age and friendship with another much younger woman.
Heather Mills, for one, is upset by it. Heather’s US publicist tells the paper: “She did ask him if it was going on while they were together and Paul swore that it did not happen then and that she was just a friend.”
“It is purely platonic,” says the Express via a headline. Says a friend in the Mirror: “She is someone he can talk to. He finds her challenging…”
Sir Paul is 65….
NEWS that Pete Doherty is back in rehab is as shocking as it is saddening. For musos keen to catch Pete’s latest work, the Mirror reports that he is staying at Clouds rehab facility, Wiltshire, Basil Fotherington-Thomas’ treatment centre of repute.
If only the War On Terror had a celebrity element it would surely achieve the news coverage it deserves.
The Sun realises the problem, and introduces readers to Brian Tilley.
The ex-Marine was shot in the foot and then in the back by five men dressed as Iraqi police. It was an unlawful killing. Bournemouth’s sitting coroner hears the gruesome details.
Mr Tilley was employed in Iraq as a security worker. But he is best known to Sun readers as a “former bodyguard to Posh and Becks”. As the paper reports: “He was a close pal of the couple.”
And the headline: “Posh pal killed in cop raid.”
The WMD have yet to be found…
In the good old day, male singers could find misery by opening a bar and finding the place shot up within hours by no good varmint. Female crooners were encouraged to become prostitutes with hearts of pure spun gold.
Now all they have is holy matrimony and divorce.
And, as the Enquirer reports, Lorrie Morgan and Sammy Kershaw have nine marriages between them. And looking for material for a new album the singers have decided to separate and make it divorce No. 10.
With no dog to kill and horse to maim, Sammy has been forced to seek misery in selling off his tour bus, the No. 73 To Yuma. He is now, as the Enquirer reports, likely to come for some of singer Lorrie’s assets.
Lorrie scored 14 Top 10 hits in the 90s, says the Enquirer – including such unforgettable melodies as Get Out, Mr Man!, Leavin’ Me!, Leavin’ You, and Leavin’ Us. No hit was greater than her 1997 smash Go Away.
It is hoped that with both parties suffering, they can produce a hit album, or at the very least something for a lonely cowboy to hum…
To date Jennifer has kept her hair long and her new men on script. As for the catchphrase, Jen has tried “OH MY God”, “OH-my God!”, “Oh MY God” and the challenging “OH-my-GoD!” But she has ever remained true to herself.
But now in “JEN OUT OF CONTROL”. The National Enquirer tells of Jen’s “wild partying”, “secret trysts with ex-lovers”, and her “hungry for new man.”
Plus ca change. It is refreshing to know that is world of uncertainties Jennifer Aniston remains as unwavering as a Hollywood divorcee’s expression.
Jen is always looking for love, always out at a party and always accompanied by hair that says she is worth it.
The secret nuptials will occur at the Riverside Church in Manhattan (one of Billericay’s premier nightspots!) on February 29 2008.
After becoming Mr Jack Tweed, the secret wedding will relocate to a “lavish champagne reception” at the Twenty Four Fifth floor ballroom in the former Fifth Avenue hotel.
It is expected that between “naw” and “den”, Jade and Jack will experience numerous highs and lows as details of the secret wedding almost leak out…
The woman is, naturally, Kalie Machado, who for three months was Britney’s assistant. One may wonder if Machado remains the woman closest to Britney or if La Spears has moved on and hired more staff?
Ms Machado knows. But first she has a Serve ‘n’ Tell to deliver. (It was to have been a Kiss ‘n’ Tell but the Mirror tells us that the kiss Machado and Spears shared in Las Vegas was “staged” and a “mock” kiss.)
With Machado’s guiding hand, we move inside Britney’s Malibu mansion, past the wedding dress that hangs in a case on the wall. We go upstairs and hear Britney crying herself to sleep “night after night”.
“She was incredibly sad and lonely while I was with her,” says Machado.
But what of Kevin Federline? The Rapping Rodent had just left the family abode when Machado arrived. Britney wanted him back. She kept all this clothes. She would walk in and possibly smell them.
How Britney must have wanted to bottle the K-Ferret odour. With its heady low notes of baseball cap and tartar and top notes of exhaust fumes and vest, Rappa would have complimented Britney’s own signature perfumes. Sold in a bottle shaped like a pair of buck teeth, Rappa would have made some money, too.
But it was never to be. Instead of Kevin, Britney got Machado – the woman closest to her…
Strange things are afoot. And in “Miss Holmes and her incredible shrinking man,” the paper wonders why Katie is looking so tall.
The Mail talks of the “couple’s fluctuating height-difference”. It is a “mystery”.
Indeed, in one published picture, Tom appears a good four inches taller than his petite wife. But in another shot, Katie is a giantess, and Tom is threatening to fall through a crack in the pavement.
The obvious explanation is that the pair are changelings, Tom and Katie trading places by the power of mind thought. It might be that only their heads swap, a notion suggested by Katie dressing to the right in picture two.
And if that means getting off his face on smack, then so be it. If Pete is to be around for the Princess Diana Jubilee Concert he needs to keep his legend alive.
So here is Pete making music. Or, as the Sun puts it on its front page: “Doherty back on heroin.”
It is believed that very soon we will all be doing The Doherty. And to help us learn the words, the Sun has an instructional montage of Doherty’s greatest moment in performance, as captured on camera phone.
“Sickening – Doherty crouches with the needle in his mouth”
“Stupid – junkie cooks up heroin on spoon and loads syringe”
“Shocking – Pete with wristband on [Make Poverty History], sticks needle in arm”
That’s The Doherty. This latest album is “quite good”, says the Sun’s showbiz editor.
For past Doherty albums, see the Daily Mirror’s picture editor…
Pic: Beau Bo D’Or
With England coach Steve McClaren watching form the stands amid 5,543 fans at the Home Depot Center, Beckham scores two goals and has three “assists” (USA Today) in a 12-4 rout of Antony LaPaglia’s Hollywood United.
Indeed, that is the same Athony LaPaglaia, who stars in TV’s Without A Trace, the show that finds missing people.
“It’s probably the best I’ve felt in quite a few months now,” says Beckham, who made Def Leppard guitarist Viv Campbell look pedestrian. “It was important for me to get a good workout tonight. I’ve been working hard trying to get myself fit.”
Hollywood FC’s players were too out of breath to talk. Although one team member, bearing more than a passing resemblance to Paul Henry from Crossroads, lifted his short over his head to reveal the message: “Come on McClaren – Pick ME?”
SAYS Lily Allen, singer of such hit songs as Smile, Grin, Beam, Smirk and Smile (Larfta Cut) in the Sun: “It does make me laugh to see pictures of Victoria Beckham on the front of a magazine.” Smile, even.
“I think, ‘You’re not promoting anything, you don’t need the money, so all it’s about it being famous.’
“And I can never imagine my life being about being famous.”
Look out for Lily’s news song Still Smiling in good, bad and indifferent record shops…
Pic: The Spine
On the magazine’s cover, Kerry cradles a newborn baby and a small-ish blond-ish child. That Kerry is proud of her kids is beyond question. They are as talented as their mother, possibly more so. It is likely the elder child can name all the celebrities in this week’s OK! – the baby being stumped by the presence of former Emmerdale actress Adele Silva.
As for the drugs, Kerry says she is on them. And she has been on them while talking on GMTV. Says she: “I am sick to death of all these questions coming up about me being on drugs.”
We will have no more said on the matter. “Yes I am on drugs,” says Kerry. But we will not listen. Let’s draw a line under this episode, put the tin lid on it. Says Kerry: “It’s my bipolar medication…”
Enough. In any case, bi-polar is so last season…
But Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole is unable to contain herself. She emotes: “It’s devastating to see Britney like this. It’s so sad, she needs help. She’s mentally ill.”
Many have befriended Spears on the way up and it heartening to see that with her career more about her private life than her music, Cole is on hand to give a professional opinion.
And she wants to offer Britney a refuge: “I’ve said that she can come to my house and I’ll look after her.”
This is true camaraderie, hands across the celebrity Pond. So what that Britney at Cole’s house will attract untold speculation and cause Cheryl to appear on camera to defend, explain and enlarge upon her kindness. This is what giving is.
It is giving until it hurts…
UPDATES from the House of Beckham in the Mail, where readers learn that David Beckham will only vacuum the house in “straight lines”, while wearing a pinafore apron. Victoria says David “gets funny” when someone steps on his newly vacuumed carpet. Fortunately, the Beckhams retain the services of a “cleaner”, and Victoria and her shoes are often elsewhere…
SAYS Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch of the singer’s husband, soon to appear in a courtroom: “If Blake were to go to jail for GBH it would probably be the best thing that could happen for Amy. It would give her a chance to recover and we could get her into rehab.” Or re-rehab, as it must be known…