Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
It has the makings of a regular feature, and one that should prove to be popular.
There are pictures of Oprah Winfrey, Kid Rock, Paris Hilton, Andy Dick, Rosie
O’Donnell and Tommy Lee.
We’d wager that Oprah hates Kid hates Paris hates Andy hates Rosie hates Tommy hates Oprah.
Or it might be that Kid hates Andy hates Oprah hates Tommy hates Paris hates Rosie hates Kid.
Inside and we learn that Dick hates Jon Lovitz; Rosie hates Donald Trump; Tommy hates Kid; and someone called Donny Bonaduce hates Jonny Fairplay, whose teeth he has, reportedly, damaged.
The most hated celebrity will only become clear once the feature has been running for a few weeks. It will then transfer to TV and appear as Channel 4s 100 Most Hated By People in Hollywood and one Of The 100 Most Hated Programme of all time…
“TOUR HAS BEEN TANGO’D,” says the paper. And we look at the pictures of Sporty, Posh, Baby and Geri and wonder that the paper is not being a little cruel. Granted Geri is a little gingery and her Poshness is a light vermillion. But tango?
As Mel B says: “We have this little tango section so we can show off our stuff. Me and Emma were quite obviously pleased to get that in.”
It may have escaped your notice that Mel B is in the American show and Emma was once a contestant on British Strictly Come Dancing.
You can imagine the frisson of excitement as Emma and Mel B look on, sleeves pulled taught over mouths as Posh is invited to stand chest-to-chest with Geri, snap her head and move her feet.
And what of that Posh chest? The Mail takes a look and wonders: “Are Posh’s assets going south?” Are Posh’s dance partners flying down to Rio, so to speak, or sliding off to Buenos Aires, home to the aforementioned Tango?
LILY Allen thought of the day, from Black Eyed Peas Will.I.Am: “I have a crush on Lily Allen. I met her before very briefly. She’s cute. Yeah… I’d like to see her again.”
Will.I.Am was in conversation with the Daily Mirror…
Some confusion on the Star’s front page where the shocker that stars in the I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! clearing are scaring the creatures is met with the line that the locals are “sex starved”.
How can they be sex-starved and at it like kangaroos? Are they doing it wrong?
Perhaps the Star has yet to view the “X-rated” scenes it says “jungle bosses” have censored.
All Star readers have to go on is a shot of actor/singer/model/TV chef Marc Bannerman (left) stood under a showery waterfall with singer/actress/model/room-make-over technician Cerys Matthews (right).
An arrow points to the Bannerman groin (“OOP! HARD GOING: Marc has the hots for Cerys”), and we learn of Cerys’ “sensational confession” that he told her that he was “randy”.
Marc has left the how. But Cerys can be seen eating kangaroo gonads later…
Winehouse is “sad” (Times), “Miss” (Mail), “Troubled” (Star, Express and Sun), “The Rehab singer” (Mirror), and the American “Wreckamess” (Disney’s TMZ website).
It is clear that Winehouse needs a decent epithet. Just as “rubber-faced” precedes Rowan Atkinson and “troubled” is shorthand for Britney Spears – and now adopted by the less imaginative press for Winehouse (press F9) – the singer needs a keyword.
And then there is the Winehouse headline. Take the Times’ front-page legend: “No, no, no. Sad Winehouse pulls plug on her tour.”
Winehouse might me in meltdown, on her way to rehab, but then so would you be if whenever you opened your mouth someone said “No, no, no”. (You can already foresee the anti-drugs campaign.)
But some papers are at least trying. The Daily Sport brings “THEY’VE ALL GOT IT INF-AMY!” Admittedly, this headline has been created and the story of a “bitter family feud” written for it. But it shows imagination.
But the spoils go to the Star which says Winehouse has cancelled her tour because she misses her incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder-Civil. The headline: “LONELY AMY’S BLAKE-DOWN.”
Not a full “Yes, yes, yes” from us. But the signs are encouraging…
WANT to know why “Victoria Beckham reformed the Spice Girls”? The Sun asks the question.
The Spice Girls were and still are the pop feminists that set out to show girls and curious boys that if you really, really want it, it doesn’t matter if you can’t sing and can’t dance, you can still get it.
As David Beckham, the so-called Sixth Spice, reveals: “She says all our boys know what Daddy does [see new Motorola Razor advert]…but they have never seen what Mummy used to do.”
Far be it from us to add the chorus of advisors who shape the Beckhams, but this might be something best left alone. Victoria might like to buy or rent a DVD or visit YouTube and show her sons videos of what mummy used to do.
Most mums embarrass their children by performing badly or too well at the mum’s race on school sports day, voicing an opinion or beginning a sentence with “Can I talk to you?”
Victoria Beckham is breaking new ground.
The young Beckhams should just know that what Mummy did then is pretty much what Mummy has always done, albeit with her hand of Geri Halliwell’s knee…
As Mummy once opined: “If you want my future, forget my past…”
Video: Posh and Baby before the Change
The Star brings news of the obligatory betting scandal. In “JANICE JUNGLE BET FIX”, readers get the front-page news that a gambling scam is threatening the show.
Plans are afoot to flood phone lines and make Janice Dickinson (6-1) this year’s winner. Of course, we have read of phone line scams in the past, and note that the only cons so far proven have been those perpetuated by the programme makers.
These “mystery syndicates” should note that though things have improved – steps taken, heads rolled etc. – care should be taken. Not all calls may be logged.
Anorak advises not taking the chance and instead sticking to the tried-and-tested: nobbling the opposition.
Look out for Bush Nip ‘n’ Tucker Dickinson being eased to victory as one by one her agonists are eaten by insects, poisoned by a “bad” kangaroo gonad and sent to join the cast of Celebrity Emergency Ward as the rope bridge carrying them to what passes for civilisation in Australia becomes “frayed”…
Picture: The Spine
So says the Star on its front page, words equipped with a picture of former Celebrity Big Brother winner turned celebrity Chantelle Houghton.
Chantelle is pictured in black knickers with pink spots. Her fingers are hooked into the straps of her matching bra in the manner of a young Tommy Steele fingering his braces in readiness for a burst of Half A Sixpence.
But it’s that headline that intrigues, more than Chantelle’s new Jordans.
Never has there been a more fitting legend to grace the celebrity shield. Anorak is looking for a new logo and thinks “New boobs, new man, new life” would fit neatly beneath the mythological motifs of rampant soap actor and a displayed glamour model.
“I’m so happy with them,” says Chantelle, “I absolutely love them and can’t stop touching them.”
Presumably to see if they are real…
Lily Allen Fact Of The Day: “I found out about three months ago. I have been asthmatic all my life but this was really quite scary….Now I make sure I work out three times a week. And I don’t hold back – it’s a hardcore routine in the gym…I just like being more toned”
For now, though, know that Elvis, the presenter’s former pet mouse, is for sale. Elvis the mouse is dead, and animal rights activists should rest easy. Although they may take exception to the news that in his afterlife Elvis has been stuffed and mounted on a pair of webbed feet.
Says Harry Glass of Brand and Elvis: “He gave him the run of his scalp. After few months, poor Elvis died. Our friend was training as a taxidermist, so he stuffed Elvis and Russell gave it to me.” And: “I have carefully kept Elvis as a reminder of my crazy days with Russ.”
Of course, crazy is in the mind, and readers will realise that stuffing a woodland creature and dressing it up in outlandish fashion is the stuff of the higher class. They are fond of equipping a padded fox with monocle and matching tweeds, or else sitting him in the kitchen amid pristine tablecloths, bone china and fresh dahlias as a interesting centrepiece, something to keep things jovial when talk of house prices and alcoholism have run dry.
Brand dresses as a dandy and has taken drugs. Beatrix Potter died some time ago…
The Bangladesh floods and the Darfur massacres would lead the news converge if only Kerry Katona could be persuaded to dispense own-brand ketchup to the dispossessed and Lenny Henry retrace his roots to the Sudan.
Accordingly, there is leading news from Malibu where fires are occurring.
In “Red Hot Flea hit by blaze”, the Sun tells us that Flea, member of the Red hot Chilli Peppers band, has had his home “burnt to a crisp”.
“Stars flee Malibu fires,” announces the Express. Minnie Driver, Sting, Pierce Brosnan, Britney Spears, Courtney Cox and Bill Murray have abandoned their properties.
Cynics may argue that having a property in Malibu guarantees column inches, it being the resort for fires.
Indeed, if Jennifer Aniston can only be persuaded to buy a holiday home on the edge of the Arctic ice shelf, she will surely become the most–talked about celebrity on the planet…
LILY Allen fact of the day: “Pop starlet Lily Allen plans to make only one more album – so she can retire at 25 and keep pigs.”
Indeed, the Mail’s customary shot of Winehouse is of a mode usually reserved for an exposé, one of those stories that show the ugly truth beneath the glitz and the fame.
Winehouse is all about ugly truth. There she is in the street, having departed the Hammersmith Apollo stage to a chorus of boos.
The Star calls that performance “shambolic”. The Mail says she “rambled incoherently”.
It’s terrific stuff. It what the fans want, and expect. Winehouse has developed an act that allows her to forget words, look a mess and end the show whenever she likes.
In a sea of acts that try to do the accepted and the expected thing and entertain, she is the great originator. The only thing than can undo her legend is news of her putting on a great show, looking good and eating five pieces of fruit and veg a day…
Once was the time when a celebrity would adopt a new look, a panda bear in a Zoo or a technique with grilled food.
Now they adopt people. And here is news that “POP shambles BRITNEY SPEARS” is adopting Chinese twins.
It seems prudent of Spears to take on a pair of new children. Embroiled in a custody battle with her “birth” children, Britney can experiment with someone else’s bairns and keep her hand in.
And the good news is that in China there are lots of children, and if it doesn’t work out she can always get more and try, try and try until she feels the bond.
Dissenting voices will, doubtless, wonder how Britney can be allowed to care for two Chinese children and, should the ruling go against her, be barred from being primary carer for her own.
We point out that Britney is American, and the adopted children Chinese. At current exchange rates, two Chinese equate to one American child (Britney qualifies for a ‘spare’).
And should it not work out with the two Sino-Spears, Spears should be allowed to take home three Indian, Four Vietnamese and no fewer that seven Africans…
Blake Fielder-Civil, Mr Amy Wienhouse (mouthed): “You all right? You OK?”
The Mirror’s “Chief Crime Correspondent”: Oyez! Oyez! Amy’s hubby faces Xmas in jail”
Chorus (of disapproval): Mr Fielder-Civil is in court. He is also in custody, having allegedly tried to bribe a pub landlord to drop an assault allegation against him
Lawyer Arlette Piercy applies for him to be released pending a trial date next year. The court is cleared. Winehouse remains in the gallery
Fielder-Civil: “I won’t get it. I’ll be all right. I love you”
Fielder-Civil: “I love you, I’ll phone you, baby”
Judge David Radford: “As you know, for reasons I have gone into in length in chambers, the bail that was granted in the matter of causing grievous bodily harm is revoked”
The Spoonerism has not gone down well.
In John Gross’s Oxford Books of Aphorisms, Comic Verse and Essays, the author mentions W. A. Spooner, coiner of the Spoonerism. Readers lean that there is a time and a place for a Spoonerism.
As an Arnold Toynbee says: “At a dinner party in Oxford, she saw Dr Spooner upset a saltcellar and then reach for a decanter of claret. He then poured claret on the salt, drop by drop, till he had produced the little purple mound which would have been the end-product if he had spilled claret on the tablecloth and had then cast a heap of salt on the pool to absorb it.”
It is clear that Spoonerism – verbal or physical – is not for everyone. Spooner could get away with his behaviour and not be punched in the throat by his host because it was the sort of thing expected of him. He may have been invited to the dinner in the implicit hope he would do something Spoonery.
Jamie Oliver is TV cook. He says “pukka”, “weerly wicked” and has a need to be liked.
His slip of the tongue – however generous – is best avoided…
“GEORGIE was a birthday present and we’d got him out to play with in the morning,” says budding popstar Peter Pepper beneath the headline “Amy killed MY hamster”, this being the Mirror’s quotidian Amy Winehouse vignette.
“I’d been in bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, it bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it. I was a bit suspicious but she said she was good with hamsters.”
Amy Winehouse On Pets? This sounds like the makings of another anecdote, and with some work Mr Pepper may be able to fashion it into an album insert or pamphlet. But Pete is in full throat, and we should not interrupt.
“But I went to out a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back Amy said she’d put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard. I don’t know what she did to it – it was probably crack.”
Hamsters are, of course the stuff of celebrity folklore. And this tale will surely made a popular and useful addendum to the Richard Gere-Manual Fawlty legend.
“That day last year was quite traumatic,” says Mr Pepper. “Not only did I have to deal with a dead hamster, but for some reason Amy had also managed to unplug the freezer and flooded the whole kitchen and utility room.”
Fetch Poirot. A picture of the events is forming. Hamster. Escape. Fridge. Unplugged. Dead. Flood. And, yes, that was a popstar talking about his utility room…
Grammarians will note the absence of the question mark. The headline might come equipped with a bony finger pointing at Moss’s head.
But that would be wrong. In “KATE MOSS PARTY SENSATION”, the paper says that “wild-eyed” Moss uttered the line in the direction of one Elliot Eastwick.
Mr Eastwick is at the party for jobbing Moss pal Davinia Taylor when he claims to have been approached by the model. “She was a total nightmare,” says Eastwick.
Kate Moss is, of course, a model by trade and Eastwick helpful tells us that “she had her hair in pigtails and was wearing tight wet-look leggings, a top and a black leather jacket”.
Those who want to get the Moss look may care to know that she is “sweaty, fidgety, and desperate to dance”.
Says DJ Elliot: “Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and starting snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect.”
Then Kate is said to have made her request, which now comes with the hitherto missing question mark. “I remember thinking, ‘God, Kate Moss just asked me for cocaine.”
Careers have been founded on far less starry moments. And it should be hoped that with his anecdote tucked onto his CV, DJ Elliot will make good and become a hit on the after-clubbing speaking circuit.
As for his DJ carer among the elite, we fear that may be a little less certain…
Picture: The Spine
The stars of yesterday and the stars of today.
The way they celebrate Thanksgiving seems to say so much…
In the manner of 1950s chat show Tea With Noele Gordon (the actress who went on to front Lunchbox), Dinner With Jamie Oliver is going to be on TV.
Says the Independent: “Guests at the dinner will include celebrities, food producers, supermarkets and ordinary people.”
There has never been a dinner like it. It is extraordinary, apart from those “ordinary people”, who are extraordinarily ordinary in not being celebrities.
The belief that celebrities are in any way extraordinary enables Oliver to make a telly show in which he will “take-on battery farmed chickens”.
Once more, the Indy’s language creates an interesting tableau. Already excited at the prospect of watching Jamie break bread with “supermarkets”, we now envisage Oliver pulling on gloves and trying to beat even shades of browning from a battalion of Zombie Hens.
Called Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, Jamie will “graphically demonstrate” the chicken rearing process. Those not wishing to be put off their dinners, or ever eating again, should look away and wait for the pudding…
And onto this 227ft carving on the slopes of Windover Hill, Sussex, Trinny and Susannah have laid out a number of women in white suits.
The effect is to transform the symbol from a man to a woman, with “pig tails, curvy hops and shapely legs”.
A pagan – usually only sighted in news reports from the Stone Henge Summer Solstice and at localised Welsh events stood among children dressed as leeks and dragons – is heard to utter: “For those who consider this a religious site it sends out a message that religious intolerance is acceptable.”
But look again. It’s is not a man and woman, rather Trinny ‘the Tranny’ and her minder Susannah.
Is this how they see themselves. And can we expect other celebs to follow suit, transforming the Cerne Abbas Giant into Pete Crouch and the Great Red Horse into a notable royal?
This is not the case, a truth revealed on the Sport’s foremost page. The illustration for “AMY AND THE £16K A DAY DRUGS DEALERS” is a serf’s eye view of the Winehouse right nostril.
Inside and there is a shot of the Winehouse left nostril, which adds a neat balance to the shock story “Pop star takes drugs”.
Winehouse is the Sun’s “AMY WHITENOSE”. The Mirror opts for the lyrical: “They tried to make me go to rehab.. I said nose nose nose.”
But since Winehouse has only one nose (so far) the lyric is misleading. And she has, of course, been to rehab, a notorious place believed full of drugs takers, sex addicts and committed drinkers.
Not going to rehab and mixing with such persons is sage advice. Amy should be applauded…
Last year, Gest appeared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! and we wondered if he would fall to pieces – literally.
Now Janice is in the celebrity clearing, and we are looking on wondering if the former model can hold it together, or be held together in a tight fitting suit.
“Everything about me is fake,” quipped Janice as she made her way into the jungle, “I was the first in line when they started handing out Botox – and I’m perfect.!
Or “purffett”, as any Botox enthusiast would concur.
“I coined the world supermodel back in 1979,” says Janice. “I wasn’t clever enough to trademark it but I truly did milk it for all it was worth.”
Can you trademark a word? Perhaps Janice means she should have brought out a range of Supermodel goods – shower gels, deodorants, anaesthetics – and brand them?
“I loped the earth during the ice ages when supermodels ruled the world,” says she.
Only, supermodels were not invented until 1979, so Janice would have to have been loping as a mammoth, starnose mole or a giant beaver…
MOST revealing OK! caption of all time: “Nikki, Michelle, Danielle and Chantelle live it up in Lineker’s Bar in Marbella with Wayne Lineker and Calum Best.”
Sadly, as reported in the Enquirer, Ms Jolie is removing herself to France and will not be returning to Ethiopia, land of daughter Zahara‘s birth any time soon.
Should Zahara’s family want to meet Ms Jolie they are advised to put another child up for adoption and wait their turn like everybody else…
Picture: 14 – Buy her prints here