Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“I’ve done outrageous things every day cos I’m an outrageous woman,” says Makosi. “You only have to look at Big Brother to see how outrageous I am.”
Has she ever been a lesbian? Not “per-se,” says Makosi.
She has never had a threesome. Never had an orgy. But she wants to have sex in an aeroplane and plans to achieve her goal in the next six months.
But Makosi is not only about outrage and naked ambition, she can dispense pearls of wisdom. Says Makosi: “You are only a crap shag if you are a crap shag.”
We wonder what fortune cookie Makosi got that gem from. And if it explains why she is naked on the Sports cover page?
The Star claims to know. Beneath a picture of Chanelle wearing some string over her primary sexual characteristics, the paper announces: “BIG BROTHER FINAL THREE REVEALED.”
Congratulations to the Star on looking at the Betfair markets and picking the three favourites. Is there a school for this kind of investigative journalism?
The paper says they are “dead certs” to be the winning trio.
It also says that the show’s producers are “desperate” for Brian to be the show’s first black winner.
To date, Big Bother has had a gay winner (Brian Dowling), a transsexual winner (Nadia Almada), a special needs winner (Bez on the celebrity show), a disabled winner (Pete Bennett) and two blondes (Chantelle Houghton and Kate Lawler).
An insider says: “In light of everything that has happened with the Celebrity Big Brother race row in January it would be great if we could crown our first black winner.”
Or voting for Jonty (179-1) and thus enabling the authorities to keep an eye on his movements as he marks his celebrity in Spanking Night at The Embassy nightclub and meets the cast of Hollyoaks in the City in the flesh?
Surely if Big Brother was so concerned about getting a black winner it would have put more than one black male in the house, and never inflicted the Charley horror show upon us?
And then there is the fact that Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O’Meara bullied Shilpa Shetty, who is Asian. Big Brother had two Asian housemate this season – Billi ‘Zoolander’ Bhatti and Nicky Maxwell.
To think that any of these housemates in any way represent a social group is terrifying. Does anyone look at Howard Brown from the Halifax bank ads singing “Extra” to the tune of “Sex Bomb”, and see a blow struck for equality and understanding? Is Gerry, as he once opined, the “raprosinteev of all greek gai man”?
Nothing of it. All Big Brother contestants are the same, at least they are when they leave the house to a chorus of boos, catcalls and offers to pose in lads mags…
THE Star spots Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd in London’s Embassy club. Says an onlooker: “She had blokes literally frothing at the mouth after her.” You don’t have to be mad to fancy Danielle, but it helps…
The paper says Amy is a “brianbox” with three A-levels and 10 GCSEs. Since the average haul is now seven A-levels and 39 GCSEs, we beg to differ.
But Amy is upbeat. “I wasn’t too bad at school,” says she. “I did all my work and kept mostly out of trouble, although I did have a bit of fun along the way.”
And now all that study has paid off as Amy is handed her official Star bra and knickers and then, as custom dictates, invited to return the top.
No more “promotional work” for Amy, standing at a conference centre picking the thong out of her backside and “making love” to car parts. She’s made it!
CALLING fans of Tracey Barnard. Calling fans of Tracey Barnard. Last call… Last call… This is the last call….
But there are no fans. At least no Tracey fans who want to appear in the studio for Big Brother’s Little Brother.
So producers are approaching John Fletcher. Would he and his family like to be Tracey fans?
Says John: “They agreed because they wanted to be on TV. You saw them shaking glow-sticks after Dermot said, ‘Tracey’s friends and family are here…’”
Tracey’s mother Christine did appear with Tracey’s sister-in-law Julie. But no friends.
A shock? Nothing of it. Tracey friends – Swampy and Matt The Talc – are otherwise engaged locating their car to get to the race at Heathrow Airport…
Rev those engines. Let’s make some noise!
“STEAMY naked pics of Big Brother hunk Ziggy Lichman have been unearthed by the Daily Star.”
Indeed, dear readers, one wonders why anyone would bury pictures of Ziggy having a wash.
Before he went into the Big Brother house and washed before millions of strangers at least once a day, a soapy Ziggy may have been a novelty to place in a time capsule for future generations to study.
But now the pictures have come to light, Ziggy is embroiled in “ZIGGY’S GAY SECRET”. The Star produces a “kinky gay-themed picture” of Ziggy in the shower with his four Northern Line bandmates.
The Star says Northern Line were “very big on the gay scene”. They weren’t. Northern Line were never that big on any scene, and we make no pun.
If they were a band of size, Ziggy would be doing as Take That’s Mark Owen once did and appearing on celebrity Big Brother, not its amateur enthusiast cousin.
Northern Line was a band produced by the committee who think gay men and teenage girls are after the same thing. They gave us Eldorado, OK! magazine and fake bake.
Of course, this is all to the good for Ziggy. The gay vote is much vaunted in Big Brother betting. If Ziggy (in to 59-1 to win) can secure the gay vote, he might go far.
Perhaps Ziggy would like to talk about his sexuality. He can discuss it with Liam, for whom women fall into two groups: available and family.
There is every reason to suspect that given time and a favourable wind, Liam would find himself in a clinch with Carole.
Liam (14-1 to win) has developed a wispy moustache of late and he and Carole (6-1 for a top four finish) can compare notes and develop a brand.
Larole can then grow huge handlebar moustaches and encourage Ziggy to get in touch with his inner Gerry.
They can then shave. In the shower. With lots of foam…
AFTER this. Now this:
Are we shocked? Only by the lack of imagination… “Shilpa Popadom” at least expanded the bigotry glossary…
A “FRIEND” tells the Daily Star: “Chanelle has been overwhelmed by the calls from fans for her to go back in and she’s said she would love to. She does miss Ziggy and he clearly misses her so maybe their romance would have been rekindled.
“But the invitation to the States and the chance to meet Victoria is too good to refuse. So LA beats BB.”
Go forth Chanelle and be the Victoria Beckham look-alike in Los Angeles. But take care Day-vid doesn’t mistake you for the real deal. He might inadvertently cheat on his wife!
PARIS Hilton is reportedly in talks to appear in the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.
A Channel 4 source says: “Paris is keen to do the show because she wants to show people the real her.
“She wants to show the British public that there is more to her life than shopping and partying and she would certainly make an interesting housemate. It all depends on whether we can afford her.”
She would not make an interesting housemate beyond the headline and the first ten minutes’ pouting…
The housemates are vying to see if they can improve their minds, bodies and souls. The housemate who fares best in each section will be exempt from eviction. The remaining 10 will be up for the vote.
Carole is the Mirror’s “beaded lady”, astral surfing as she tunes into the Cosmo and discovers that Charley has had a “foul-mouthed showdown” with Danielle Lloyd at a London club (see pictures of them kissing in the Sun), that Wayne Rooney has fractured his foot and Cillit Bang’s Barry has launched a new pine-fresh scoring pad.
Carole may also look into the Betfair market and see that she is 119-1 to win the show.
Not that Carole the hippy cares. What matter that only Kara-Louise and Jonty (159-1) are less popular than her – the balloon-skirted whiner out to 559-1 to win?
Of course, no-one is less popular than Charley was. And now that horror show is standing on a sticky red carpet giving “pafetic” Danielle Lloyd the benefit of her “foughts”, Big Brother has improved beyond measure.
For one thing, Jonty has been spanking Kara-Loo. It was, in truth, one spank, a single blow. But delivered by a man in shiny bri-nylon quilted dressing gown, it took on a lasting ripple.
Kara-Loo laughed. Later she may well revisit the moment and seek therapy. She might also seek out some of Carole’s cleaning aids to cleanse the spanking zone.
But first the house much be cleansed of dead wood. Take Kara-Loo to go first. Then Jonty.
The new Robson and Jerome.
We see it all…
AS the News of The World reports with panting excitement: “Big Brother’s latest booted-out babe Amy Alexandra has laid bare her sensational sex secrets—after stripping off for an explicit internet porn video.”
Amy features on a website called Panty Maniacs. the tagline for which runs: “REAL WOMEN…REAL PANTIES!”
The NOTW observes that Amy:
CRAVES wild sex outdoors and in unusual locations.
DEVOURS men in her kitchen as she cooks dinner for them.
LOVES hosting LESBIAN slumber parties at her house.
SHOWERS with “guests” in her plush wood-lined bathroom at home.
Says Amy, 21: “I’ve had sex on the top of a multi-storey car park, but I’m hoping to add quite a few more to that list of strangest places I’ve done it.”
A fake house in a field in Elstree with CCTV cameras tracking your moves, the footage broadcast to mum and dad back home, would be a challenge to most.
“I do love a good hot steamy shower with a guy. So I think my ideal fantasy would be to get hot and steamy in an amazing waterfall somewhere in the rainforest, surrounded by all the flowers and animals,” says Amy.
Or in the kitchen?
“I have to admit I don’t cook very often. I like to have a bit of a dabble, but there’s plenty more fun things to get up to in the kitchen,” says Amy.”You never know what you might find lying around. Or you might have a nice guy over and it’s always good to get together over the work top.”
Amy is seen sat on the food-prep counter. Devour Amy before her sell-by date passes in around 12 minutes. Fill your PVC thigh-high waders.
Says the NOTW: “She then suggestively removes the singlet and puts it in her mouth.”
She eats her clothes? Overlooking the hygiene issues of sex on a kitchen work surface – what would Carole make of it? – Amy shows signs of not knowing what is edible and what is wearable? Is this what chocolate body paint and wearing whipped cream for lads mags does to the mind?
“As the film draws to a close, Amy is unable to keep her hands off her body—even while walking up the stairs to her bedroom in a tiny black slip dress.”
She’s then in the bathroom. The NOTW calls this oversized toilet “sophisticated”.
Amy reveals: “All my guests like to go there. There’s quite a lot of space in the bathroom so we can get quite a few people in at a time…if you know what I mean.”
We hear you Amy. And we’ve seen it all on Big Brother.
Get your free £10 Big Brother bet here
At least part of the Star’s front-page headline is correct. Amy will leave the Big Brother house tonight.
Slightly out to 1.08, Amy is nonetheless a shoo-in to go. That’s 1-12.
After Charley the lapdancer and now Amy the glamour model, Big Brother should realise that the British public prefer a more demure contestant – at least until she leaves the house and poses in Big Brother Amateurs and the Star.
And here is Chanelle in the paper. She’s wearing a bikini. She’s the guest editor of the Star’s Big Brother section.
“I will walk back in the house in a flash, no worries,” says she. “When they open the door, I’ll be there waiting to go in. I just can’t wait.”
Chanelle says the first thing she will do is wait for Ziggy to give her a kiss. She won’t have to wait long. Ziggy kisses Carole. Ziggy kisses his dog. Ziggy kisses anything. The second thing she’ll do is kiss him back.
Says Chanelle: “I think it’s so sweet that he’s pining for me.”
Ziggy is 5.4 to finish the show in the top four and that’s worth considering.
But this is not about Ziggy. This is about Chanelle. This is not about David. This is not about Shanessa. This is not about Charley. They all left within a few days of Chanelle. It is Chanelle who has become the tabloid fodder.
Chanelle is doing her first public appearance tonight. She will be at SANUK nightclub in Blackpool. Great days.
But – that’s right – she won’t be returning to the Big Brother house. News to us who have just read in the Star that she will be.
At least Chanelle is definite about one thing – Brain will win. He’s 5-4 to take the top spot.
But it’s goodbye from Amy. Unless, you’re a reader of the Daily Sport, in which case it’s a big heloooooo…
CLEAR to one and all that Davina McCall is too old to present Big Brother. But she is down with the yoof and is planning to get a new tattoo for her 40th birthday. “I want to get something sci-fi or Gothic, but I’m very open to new ideas,” says she. No, not “DNR” on her chest – she’s not that old. Something more dignified…
AMY Alexandra is 1-11 to be evicted from the Big Brother house. The glamour model is miles ahead of the market – ahead of Kara-Louise (9.6), Jonty (140) and Samanda (350).
Amy is going. She will pour her 30 litres of underwear into her bag and strut off into the pages of a lads mag.
Rumours are that now so many Big Brother housemates have stripped the newsagent’s top shelf is to be greeted by a new organ called Big Brother Babes, Evicted Escorts or, given the nature of this year’s house, Siesta.
Amy, of course, has one advantage over her naked agonists. Working as a topless stunna means the Sport and Star newspapers can produce pictures of her in underwear and not have to wait.
And we can expect more. Amy has seen the other housemates put her up for eviction. She is unimpressed at being accused of using Big Brother to further her own career – as if! – and being accused of chasing Liam because he is popular and has won £100,000.
“They think I’m a slut – that’s my job,” says Amy. “I’ve come up against this so many times in my life. As for the money thing, I don’t struggle for money.”
Indeed. All Amy need do for cash is remove her top and suck a finger. Easy.
Almost anyone can do it, even Jonty – there is, we are assured, a magazine for everyone.
But Jonty is more than a piece of meat. Jonty’s is the voice of reason. He may look like the kind of man who spends his days watching Big Brother Uncut and Hollyoaks In the City, but he is a sensitive soul.
“New people have come in,” he tells Amy and Kara-Looo. “It saves them having to nominate each other for another week. That’s it for us.”
He’s right. Amy will go. Then Kara-Loo. But he is right only to a point. Jonty is entertaining company and Anorak thinks he will last longer than Tracey and may be even beyond that.
Tracey is out to 170 to win the show. “What you see is what you get,” says Tracey. This is one of her stock phrases. The others are “’ave it” and “”I’m Tracey, deal with it!”
If you bought a doll from a toy shop, pulled the sting and it said only three things you’d take it back or throw it into wardrobe and close the door. Surely there is more to Tracey. But we fear not.
She is what she is. Deal with it. Back her to go – but not go as a far as Amy…
BIG Brother USA is dire. But they are learning:
Amber says: “The majority of people I know from New York are Jewish, and the majority of Jewish people I know, my gosh, so many are so selfish. So weird. Even my sister always tells me, she’s like my sister, and my mom will meet someone and I’ll be like, ‘I don’t like that person. That person doesn’t seem like a very good person to me,’ and my mom and sister are like, ‘You know why?’ Why? ‘They’re Jewish.’ How do you know? ‘Amber you can tell by their last name, you can tell by their nose.’ I’m like, ‘Really?’”
THERE’S a picture in OK! of Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz, Nikki Graham, pulling her pigtails. If she keeps pulling them will her head unravel?
“ONE of the care team told me on Saturday that they pick the contestants they want to promote.
“The new housemates didn’t have a fair chance. We were just there as extras really.” So says David Hamilton-Parnaby.
“There were a lot of things we did that never got shown,” say David.
That’s David Hamilton-Par… Oh, never mind. Next!
So begins the Star’s take on world news. “Shock vote sees babe return to take on Ziggy.”
What’s this? A vote that even Davina McCall didn’t yell about? Did Big Brother viewers vote at 50pence-a-minute o.n.o. to take Chanelle back in the house?
No. The vote is of the Star’s design. “SHOULD CHANELLE RETURN TO THE SHOW?” The paper asks the questions. Readers are afforded only two options: Yes and No.
We would plump for “maybe”, which would require a vote for yes and a one for no, or us not voting at all.
Chanelle is in limbo. And she’s in a black bikini with a hand placed over the cup of her right breast.
But we have seen enough. Amy has assured us that we have seen plenty. And Amy is up for the chop.
And if her career demands it, Amy will be very possibly be up for the scalpel and the airbag injection. Her talent are weighty but in the dog-eat-dog world of glamour modelling, Amy made need more.
And Kara-Louise has also been also nominated for eviction. We have one question to ask on this niiiiiice girl: what is your natural skin colour?
When she arrived in the BB compound, Kara-Louise was a deep sepia. Now, after a couple of weeks indoors, K-L is reduced to a sandy taupe. Kara-Louise is 6-1 to go. She won’t.
The only thing that remains constant in Kara-Louise’s teeth, which are of a whiteness Hitler and modern neo-Nazis only dream of.
The money must be on Amy to go. She will. She’s 1-7 on and so far every favourite for eviction has gone. The Betfair markets are the best barometer of the nation’s mood. Put your money where your mouth is.
Viewers don’t like Amy. Although Star readers might want to vote her back in…to a bikini…
Having admitted her failings and agreed to seek therapy, Charley is now in a “secret location” in Spain.
All the Star can reveal is that Charley Uchea is by a swimming pool. There is a green li-lo. She is wearing a blue and white striped bikini.
The paper would say more but there are dark forces at work. Charley is now the victim.
Victimhood is to be craved and cultivated by any wannabe celebrity. Charley might look like a hardnosed aggressor but she is in actual fact frail and open to misinterpretation.
Charley is the victim of death threats. She has been abused. Some members of the audience for Channel 4’s post-Big Brother the Friday Might Project tried to dislodge some of her hair extensions. The hair did not bite back. It too is cowed and victimised.
“It’s no shock she’s afraid to go home,” says a source. “A large number of the public hates her and some have been making their feelings clear with threats.”
These threats are not made specific. Right it is that these nasties are denied the oxygen of publicity.
We should focus on Charley. We can only hope that her pain does not become manifest in an eating disorder and bi-polarism.
Says a source: “She hopes that by going away on holiday for a few weeks it will give people a chance to calm down and forget what has happened.”
And if we must see her in a bikini, then so be it…
Ploys were tried. David was invited to pretend he was on I’m A Celebrity Get me Out Of Here and eat something disgusting. But he is not a celebrity and managed only to puke up most of his raw beef and jam delight.
Shanessa was invited to drink a pint of mayonnaise. She refused. The massage parlour worker didn’t even rub the stuff into the palms of her hands and command Big Brother to “relax”. Shanessa was no Kerry Katona showing the world her gag reflex.
And then she too like David was gone, thrown out of the house to a chorus of boos. The crowd has to boo. This is “pantomime” says Davina McCall, dressed like Widow Twanky. But the Endemol runners and production stuff are booing like they mean it. Placards are being held aloft in scenes not witnessed since the Danish embassy was besieged by Islamicists.
But it can’t save the show. Big Brother is trying to salvage it.
What can it try next? The Star says on its front page: “BB AXES TWINS.” Inside: “Big Bro Knifes Twins!”
Are these the morbid feelings evoked by Samanda? Grisly death. Murder. Don’t go into the cellar, Samanda. They scream. And now they scream some more. But no-one comes running. These are the girls who screamed wolf.
But this is not murder? It’s nothing of the sort. But certainly there is cruelty against Samanda. They have been nominated for the chop.
In “Show fixed to stop girls winning” we see the girls called to the Diary Room. Big Brother wants to know if they are two contestants or one. If treated as one, then votes for either mean nominations for both. If treated as two, then one of them must be up for eviction on Friday.
If you have lost the thread, do not trouble yourself. Just know that Big Brother has belatedly realised that selecting twins who get along means they never vote for each other. There is no evil twin. They are both just so very fluffy and pink.
Says Samanda: “We’d prefer to go up for nominations together than separately – I would never vote for Amanda and she would never vote for me. We prefer to be as one anyway.”
But Samanda will not go. Both are now in at 4-1 to win the show, tucked in behind solid favourite Brian, slightly out to 2-1.
And Carole will be up for the chop. Carole is now the kamp kommandant.
She cooks. But she shows no sign of being any good at it. Carole’s food is revolting. She wants to be house’s mother figure, but she is the kind of mother whose children don’t invite friends home, and certainly not to sample mum’s porridge.
Carole, whose figure engenders her with the appearance of a woman walking with her head stuffed though a 1950s seaside postcard, is less entertaining than understanding.
And who can understand the muddle and fudge that is this year’s Big Brother? Who wants to..?
Big Brother’s Charley Uchea is to undergo a course in anger management. This is stepping-stone on her path to celebrity, it being on the route to fame potholed by “rehab”, “bi-polar disorder” and “bullying”.
As the Mirror writes: “Charley has hired showbiz experts to help her forge a media career, and anger therapy is the first step.”
THE trickle of Jade Goody news goes on. Like a slurry of curry sauce sliding across the plate towards our virgin nan bread, Jade Goody re-renters our lives. The Sun says she’s investing her money in a beauty salon. A “pal” tells us: “She wants to invest what money she has left to secure her children’s future.” So she’s setting her two sons up with a chain of beauty parlours…
NOW Chanelle Hayes is famous, she is worried that secrets about her will leak out. So she’s telling the Star about them. “My secret abortion torment,” says the Star’s headline. And we read about the secret. And wonder if there is anything Chanelle will not share with us…
Shanessa lacks the bitchiness of Charley. Rowing is not her thing. So she settles upon the second route to stardom by displaying her primary sexual characteristics.
But we don’t want to see them. Those breasts. Those legs. Those buttocks. Shanessa gives the housemates her lapdance. A shock to we who saw lapdancing as way to keep fit. Shanessa looks about as fit as Noel Edmonds in a nylon thong.
Says Shanessa: “I’ve worked as an escort, worked in a massage parlour and know a couple of porn stars.”
She invites us: “I think I need to be told to shut up.” But Charley is not there to tell her. Charley has been vote out. Viewers had enough of her vile behaviour.
So Shanessa goes on. And now she’s in the halfwit house with David the Pagan, Kara-Louise the girl who cries with both barrels and Tracey.
Poor Tracey. The raver has been voted into the halfwit house because, as hero-martyr Ziggy – out to 59-1 to win – put it, she is made of strong stuff. The people outside the house will not boo her. They will blow whistles and vibrate to the music in their heads.
But Tracey will not go. She’s 7-1 to finish the show in the top 4 and it’s worth a bet.
David will go. David is 529-1. These are the longest odds to win the show this season. You can get 150-1 on Shanessa playing prop forward for Wales in the World Cup final.
Which on the face of it looks like a decent punt…
JADE Goody is in the Sun. She has spent seven hours getting blonde hair extensions tethered to her scalp. She wears black-rimmed glasses. But the disguise isn’t working…