Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Blake Fielder-Civil, Mr Amy Wienhouse (mouthed): “You all right? You OK?”
The Mirror’s “Chief Crime Correspondent”: Oyez! Oyez! Amy’s hubby faces Xmas in jail”
Chorus (of disapproval): Mr Fielder-Civil is in court. He is also in custody, having allegedly tried to bribe a pub landlord to drop an assault allegation against him
Lawyer Arlette Piercy applies for him to be released pending a trial date next year. The court is cleared. Winehouse remains in the gallery
Fielder-Civil: “I won’t get it. I’ll be all right. I love you”
Fielder-Civil: “I love you, I’ll phone you, baby”
Judge David Radford: “As you know, for reasons I have gone into in length in chambers, the bail that was granted in the matter of causing grievous bodily harm is revoked”
The Spoonerism has not gone down well.
In John Gross’s Oxford Books of Aphorisms, Comic Verse and Essays, the author mentions W. A. Spooner, coiner of the Spoonerism. Readers lean that there is a time and a place for a Spoonerism.
As an Arnold Toynbee says: “At a dinner party in Oxford, she saw Dr Spooner upset a saltcellar and then reach for a decanter of claret. He then poured claret on the salt, drop by drop, till he had produced the little purple mound which would have been the end-product if he had spilled claret on the tablecloth and had then cast a heap of salt on the pool to absorb it.”
It is clear that Spoonerism – verbal or physical – is not for everyone. Spooner could get away with his behaviour and not be punched in the throat by his host because it was the sort of thing expected of him. He may have been invited to the dinner in the implicit hope he would do something Spoonery.
Jamie Oliver is TV cook. He says “pukka”, “weerly wicked” and has a need to be liked.
His slip of the tongue – however generous – is best avoided…
“GEORGIE was a birthday present and we’d got him out to play with in the morning,” says budding popstar Peter Pepper beneath the headline “Amy killed MY hamster”, this being the Mirror’s quotidian Amy Winehouse vignette.
“I’d been in bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, it bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it. I was a bit suspicious but she said she was good with hamsters.”
Amy Winehouse On Pets? This sounds like the makings of another anecdote, and with some work Mr Pepper may be able to fashion it into an album insert or pamphlet. But Pete is in full throat, and we should not interrupt.
“But I went to out a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back Amy said she’d put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard. I don’t know what she did to it – it was probably crack.”
Hamsters are, of course the stuff of celebrity folklore. And this tale will surely made a popular and useful addendum to the Richard Gere-Manual Fawlty legend.
“That day last year was quite traumatic,” says Mr Pepper. “Not only did I have to deal with a dead hamster, but for some reason Amy had also managed to unplug the freezer and flooded the whole kitchen and utility room.”
Fetch Poirot. A picture of the events is forming. Hamster. Escape. Fridge. Unplugged. Dead. Flood. And, yes, that was a popstar talking about his utility room…
Grammarians will note the absence of the question mark. The headline might come equipped with a bony finger pointing at Moss’s head.
But that would be wrong. In “KATE MOSS PARTY SENSATION”, the paper says that “wild-eyed” Moss uttered the line in the direction of one Elliot Eastwick.
Mr Eastwick is at the party for jobbing Moss pal Davinia Taylor when he claims to have been approached by the model. “She was a total nightmare,” says Eastwick.
Kate Moss is, of course, a model by trade and Eastwick helpful tells us that “she had her hair in pigtails and was wearing tight wet-look leggings, a top and a black leather jacket”.
Those who want to get the Moss look may care to know that she is “sweaty, fidgety, and desperate to dance”.
Says DJ Elliot: “Kate pulled some poppers out of her handbag and starting snorting them in really heavily. It went straight to her head. You could see her loll as it took effect.”
Then Kate is said to have made her request, which now comes with the hitherto missing question mark. “I remember thinking, ‘God, Kate Moss just asked me for cocaine.”
Careers have been founded on far less starry moments. And it should be hoped that with his anecdote tucked onto his CV, DJ Elliot will make good and become a hit on the after-clubbing speaking circuit.
As for his DJ carer among the elite, we fear that may be a little less certain…
Picture: The Spine
The stars of yesterday and the stars of today.
The way they celebrate Thanksgiving seems to say so much…
In the manner of 1950s chat show Tea With Noele Gordon (the actress who went on to front Lunchbox), Dinner With Jamie Oliver is going to be on TV.
Says the Independent: “Guests at the dinner will include celebrities, food producers, supermarkets and ordinary people.”
There has never been a dinner like it. It is extraordinary, apart from those “ordinary people”, who are extraordinarily ordinary in not being celebrities.
The belief that celebrities are in any way extraordinary enables Oliver to make a telly show in which he will “take-on battery farmed chickens”.
Once more, the Indy’s language creates an interesting tableau. Already excited at the prospect of watching Jamie break bread with “supermarkets”, we now envisage Oliver pulling on gloves and trying to beat even shades of browning from a battalion of Zombie Hens.
Called Jamie’s Fowl Dinners, Jamie will “graphically demonstrate” the chicken rearing process. Those not wishing to be put off their dinners, or ever eating again, should look away and wait for the pudding…
And onto this 227ft carving on the slopes of Windover Hill, Sussex, Trinny and Susannah have laid out a number of women in white suits.
The effect is to transform the symbol from a man to a woman, with “pig tails, curvy hops and shapely legs”.
A pagan – usually only sighted in news reports from the Stone Henge Summer Solstice and at localised Welsh events stood among children dressed as leeks and dragons – is heard to utter: “For those who consider this a religious site it sends out a message that religious intolerance is acceptable.”
But look again. It’s is not a man and woman, rather Trinny ‘the Tranny’ and her minder Susannah.
Is this how they see themselves. And can we expect other celebs to follow suit, transforming the Cerne Abbas Giant into Pete Crouch and the Great Red Horse into a notable royal?
This is not the case, a truth revealed on the Sport’s foremost page. The illustration for “AMY AND THE £16K A DAY DRUGS DEALERS” is a serf’s eye view of the Winehouse right nostril.
Inside and there is a shot of the Winehouse left nostril, which adds a neat balance to the shock story “Pop star takes drugs”.
Winehouse is the Sun’s “AMY WHITENOSE”. The Mirror opts for the lyrical: “They tried to make me go to rehab.. I said nose nose nose.”
But since Winehouse has only one nose (so far) the lyric is misleading. And she has, of course, been to rehab, a notorious place believed full of drugs takers, sex addicts and committed drinkers.
Not going to rehab and mixing with such persons is sage advice. Amy should be applauded…
Last year, Gest appeared on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! and we wondered if he would fall to pieces – literally.
Now Janice is in the celebrity clearing, and we are looking on wondering if the former model can hold it together, or be held together in a tight fitting suit.
“Everything about me is fake,” quipped Janice as she made her way into the jungle, “I was the first in line when they started handing out Botox – and I’m perfect.!
Or “purffett”, as any Botox enthusiast would concur.
“I coined the world supermodel back in 1979,” says Janice. “I wasn’t clever enough to trademark it but I truly did milk it for all it was worth.”
Can you trademark a word? Perhaps Janice means she should have brought out a range of Supermodel goods – shower gels, deodorants, anaesthetics – and brand them?
“I loped the earth during the ice ages when supermodels ruled the world,” says she.
Only, supermodels were not invented until 1979, so Janice would have to have been loping as a mammoth, starnose mole or a giant beaver…
MOST revealing OK! caption of all time: “Nikki, Michelle, Danielle and Chantelle live it up in Lineker’s Bar in Marbella with Wayne Lineker and Calum Best.”
Sadly, as reported in the Enquirer, Ms Jolie is removing herself to France and will not be returning to Ethiopia, land of daughter Zahara‘s birth any time soon.
Should Zahara’s family want to meet Ms Jolie they are advised to put another child up for adoption and wait their turn like everybody else…
Picture: 14 – Buy her prints here
But things have not worked out. Chantelle’s place as Big Brother strumpet-at-large has been usurped by Chanelle, who we expect to be in time challenged by Mintel, Novotel and Kiss’n’tell.
And news reaches us, via the Sun, that Chatelle is to officially split from Preston, their divorce coming through 16 months after their OK! photoshoot.
Since the split, some six months ago – tragically before the OK! 1st anniversary photospread in Marbella – Preston has been dating his former love, French “beauty” Camille Aznar, and Chantelle has been seeing one Chris Neal, formerly of Big Brother housemate Nikki Grahame ‘n’ Chris repute.
We wish them well…
This is encouraging news. Although what Pete Doherty (“junkie”) and Amy Winehouse (“addict”) manage to say is unspecified in the Sun’s report.
We expect the pair will save the contents of their chats an album, which will retail for a bargain “Whatever change you can spare” and play for hours and hours and hours and hours and…
The Mail zooms in on Jagger’s right wrist and notes not a copper anti-arthritis bracelet, a big-hand watch nor a tissue tucked up a sleeve, but a red string.
The Mail assures readers that this is a kabbalah bracelet, and promises to protect the wearer from all manner of ill, pain, chaos and suffering.
Although more likely it is a souvenir thong taken from one of his many conquests…
Angie is Angelina Jolie, and America is outraged that she should pack up her home, her kids, some other kids and make for a new life in France.
“We’ve been very loyal throughout her career, but it looks like she’s ungratefully dumping us,” fumes Catherine Larcher, secretary of the Californian fan club Brad and Angelina.
Ms Larcher has every right to be upset. It was not too long ago that Anorak was forced to pen a letter in green ink to Michelle Ryan, who had no sooner left the EastEnders’ set than she had set off to America.
The Michelle Ryan Fan Club is now no more, the members dispersed and the 5,000 piece Ryan Jigsaw we were working on broken up and scattered to the winds. The Michelle Ryan Support Group is, however, very much alive.
Of course, a Pitt-Jolie enthusiast such as Ms Larcher may note that calling her club Brad and Angelina was always going to be precarious, given that Jolie and Pitt have outlasted three marriages between them…
We looked at the sometimes grainy pictures and made notes. We learnt about “lines” chopping”, “snorting” and “spoons”.
The tabloids have been nothing if not educational in the ways of drugs and their paraphernalia. And in the Sun there is news from Davinia Taylor’s 30th birthday party.
Taylor is exclusively known for being friends with Kate Moss and being called Davinia. And on the occasion of Taylor’s party the Sun spots the birthday girl dispensing invitations in the form of black American Express credit cards, each bearing the legend: “USE CARD ACCORDINGLY.”
The Sun wonders: “Whatever could that mean?” Right now, we imagine some selfless hack is investigating, possibly with the aid of his Nectar card and a decent felt tip…
She arrives for the launch of a Viva campaign in a Mercedes 4×4. The engine is kept running, say reports.
Says Mills: “The startling truth is that animals farmed for met and dairy are now one of the greatest threats to the planet.
Stick with it…
“The United Nations last year issued a shocking report on the environmental damage being done by livestock.
“I became a vegetarian for health reasons. Then I found out about the awful animal abuse in factory farms and dairy herds and became vegan.
“The easiest and most effective way of cutting our contribution is to change our diet and go vegan. It is that simple.”
“We are the only species that drinks another creature’s milk so why aren’t we drinking rats’ milk, dogs’ milk or cats’ milk? That is how crazy it is.”
Can you milk a rat? That question to you, Sir Paul ‘Meaty’ McCartney, allegedly…
Hairdressers will be forced to haul down images of the icon, and Man Tan of Croydon will be impelled to offer an OAP rate on the once ubiquitous Beckham back, sack and crack, as part of the Surrey townscape as Anthea turner, concrete and bull bars.
Michael Parkinson, 72, may be one to take up the offer, in a desperate bid to keep Beckham in trend.
But it will be nought, and Parky knows it. As the Mirror reports, with Becks on his way out, Parkinson has decided it is time he too should step down.
Granted Victoria Beckham is still practising, but, unlike David, there is only so much you can say about Vicky’s hair, voice and chest.
Fittingly, David Beckham will feature on Parky’s last sand, a TV spectacular that will also see us wave a hearty adieu to Jamie Calum, Peter Kay, Dame Judi Dench, Sir Michael Caine, Dame Edna Everage, Sir David Attenborough and Billy Connolly.
Once David has let the stage, the other guests and their host will step away from the limelight, realising that it is time for a new breed to talk about the new Beckham…
Anderton is billed in the Sun as the “former I’m A Celebrity star”. It should not pass unnoticed that Anderton has also featured in a pro-celebrity capacity on Cirque de Celebrité, Love Island and Fear Factor.
Anderton also, for a period, operated as a Wag, being the one-time squeeze of former Chelsea and Manchester United goalkeeper Mark Bosnich.
Many thought there was little left for Anderton to do. With all the seats on celebrity judging panels occupied, and Celebrity Soap Opera not yet commissioned, the real fear was that Sophie had nowhere left to exercise her fame and show us the real Sophie Anderton.
But then the New of the World came calling, and Anderton is now the recipient of the headline “Vice shame Sophie loses £100k deal”.
“Exposed as a drug-pushing prostitute” by the News of the World’s man in a hotel room, Anderton has been dropped as the “face” of Fake Bake.
The opportunities for Ms Anderton to reinvigorate a flagging career are now endless, as she sits on daytime telly sofas.
And makes ready to star in Celebrity Fake Baked, a show in which she and the “dream ticket” Tara Palmer-Tomkinson go to parties and see which celebs are on drugs and which are only pretending to be…
Does an Oscar ceremony smell the same as a Bafta Awards do or the private hire car taking an EastEdners actress to the Soap Star Superstar after show party? Not a chance.
Scent enthusiasts await the arrival of Bath Time by Paris Hilton. And we read in the Mirror of the smell of Stella McCartney.
Stella comes in four blends. Stella McCartney Sheer Stella (top notes of Stella’s bed and pillow), Stella McCartney Stella (bottom notes of Stella’s brunch of aubergine and garlic dip), Stella McCartney Stella In Two (what Stella smell like when she watches daytime telly) and Stella McCartney Stella Rose Absolute (Two parts Sheer Stella to one part vodka with mid-notes of salt ‘n’ vinegar crisps).
And it comes to our attention that Heather Mills wanted some of Stella’s smell. Perhaps if brave Heather could smell like a flesh and blood McCartney others would be more accepting of her role?
Heather wanted the smell of Stella to feature at a gala do she was organising. But Stella declined. Says Heather’s publicist Michele Elyzabeth: “What would that have cost her? Nothing. But we didn’t beg. Elizabeth Arden donated.”
Perfume aficionados will note that Ms Arden has been passed a number of years. And though her innate and earthy odour is surely seductive to some there is real fear it will engender the wearer with the stench of decay.
And Heather Mills has so very much to offer…
Dirty “Paris jokes about her sex video scandals, swims around in the huge bath of bubbles and soaks herself with a bendy shower head.”
“It’s her dirtiest video yet,” say fans. “Nothing’s dirtier than this,” says other. “Bang!” says another. “Bang!” But nothing can shift so much dirt.
Bang! (RRP: £19.99)
BRITNEY Spears has yet to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show, talking about her broken marriages, her location-named children (Sean PRESTON and Jayden JAMES, site of the James Town massacre) and her drugs and self-esteem ishoos.
Britney is circling life’s plughole, ideal fodder to sit on an office-style chair before a live studio of her peers making eyes at the warm-up man and marveling at how you can get wine (both sorts) in cardboard boxes, and be told to “SORT IT OUT!” by shouty Kyle.
But now Britney has lost weight, or had lipo as the Mirror tells it in “BRITNEY (SMALLER) REARS”. And as TV watchers know, Kyle likes the women on his show to be the size of a mid-range family hatchback.
So Britney must look elsewhere for her TV outings. Perhaps a showing on Loose Women, the panel program where moaners who look like the Spice Girls will in ten years time, discuss men (awful) and going to the toilet (challenging).
Where will we next see Britney on British telly, other than on the 10 ‘clock news bulletin, naturally..?
The formula takes onboard cash, band value, Google index, publicity, delinquency factor, actual talent and personal qualities.
The sums done, the Mail says the most pointless celebrity in the land, if not the world, is Peter Andre, aka Pete Andre, known to millions as the Singing Acorn, the shining example of manhood who put the Glo in Morning Glory as he climbed into Jordan’s hammock.
Many will of course beg to differ, it being the seventh rule of celebrity that coming bottom is coming top, if not the new coming top – just as up is the new down, going out is the new staying in and Anthea Turner is the new Viagra.
Expect appeals from Victoria Hervey, Sophie Anderton, Paul Danan, Chantelle, Kerry Katona and, how can we forget, whatshisface…
Look out for the 100 Most Pointless Celebrities on Channel 4
So talented is Winehouse – writing in the Sun, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber calls her the “new Ella Fitzgerald” in a “Judy Garland-style” – that it would come as no surprise to learn that she is taking on a mouthful of juice in readiness to gargle her hit song “Rehab” in the manner of The Tin Man.
But the fluids may serve another purpose: hydration. The Mirror says Winehouse was in “meltdown” before her appearance at Birmingham’s National Indoor Arena.
She is “wailing in despair”. On stage, the Mirror notes she is propped up by her band as she “almost collapsed in tears”.
As a fan says: “She was demanding drinks the whole time. She could barely sing.”
Much less cry or work up a sweat…
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Anyone who thinks Britney Spears’ best days are behind should know this—she does have a prayer.
The celebuwreck, who has been struggling to get custody of her kids while launching a comeback, is the top prayer-getter at the Hollywood Prayer Network, a group of more than 5,000 Christians that prays for stars instead of writing them off as lost causes.
The network recently passed a Bible to socialite Paris Hilton and plans to pass one to Spears later this month. It also picks up-and- coming child stars for its monthly Kids Prayer Calendar and pairs hundreds of mentors with struggling actors—the kind more likely to take your order in a restaurant than appear on your television.
Members of the network, which has chapters in 16 U.S. cities and eight countries, see Hollywood as the 21st century’s largest mission field, a powerful industry that can be used to sow the seeds of an international cultural and religious revival.
“We tell people, ‘If you’re angry at a TV show or you’re switching channels because of content, stop and pray for the people on the show,'” said Karen Covell, HPN’s founder. “If you really believe in God and you believe God has a transforming power, then leave it up to him.”
Because Jesus was a celebrity too…