Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Say it ain’t so. Can it be that Charley fell off her shoes? And did her hair act as a parachute? Did she whistle on the way down as the air rushed past and through her?
The Sport leads with news that “Big Brother hate figure” Charley Uchea fell from a hotel balcony when a child. (Charley is still a porcine 47-1 to win the show with Anorak’s free £10 bet.)
This may explain much, or not.
On holiday in Italy, the four-year-old Charley fell four stories onto a wooden floor. Says mum Theresa Owen: “When the ambulance came her eyes rolled in the back of her head (we’ve seen that look from other housemates whenever Charley talks) and she had no pulse for a few seconds. We thought she was dead.”
She died? And then she retuned as a harridan, a screaming banshee hellbent of splitting ears and hairs?
No. She survived. And went on to be… Yes, that’s right. As is the way with all Big Brother mouths, Charley was the victim of bullies.
Just like Danielle Lloyd, that other wannbe Wag, Charley was teased at school. She was “racially abused” and told she was “too thin”. Lloyd drew criticism for her colour (tangerine) and being, by her admittance, too pretty.
The difference is, of course, that Charley’s body is as nature intended. But if she is to chuck herself down stairs again, we suggest she go equipped with Lloyd-type airbags…
BIG Brother bully Danielle Lloyd is at the Princess Diana funeral show. The do was at Wembley Stadium, and chances are that Dani was in the area looking for footballers when the dirge struck up.
The Star says Dani was “holding court” when Prince Harry arrived.
He “couldn’t take his eyes off her boobs,” says a source. “She’s a very tall girl in her heels and when he chatted to her he kept talking to her cleavage.”
This might be because he could not stand to look at her face. Or because Danielle’s 34DD “chesticles” double as body armour to deflect bullets and would be just the thing for the boys in the front line and Chelsey Davy…
Less l’amour than l’armour…
So says the Star’s front page, words taken from the mouth of Emily Parr.
How glad we were to see the back of Emily when she called Charley a “nigger”. And how glad the Star is to see the back of Emily once more as she wraps her “booty” in a pair of black knickers and pushes it out.
And what is more Emily will reveal more. No, not her “skin” but the “truth about Big Brother plot”.
Emily is a typically solipsistic housemate. She is the victim of the show’s “biggest ever plot fix”. Emily says the show is being fixed to ensure Charley Uchea wins.
Inside the paper and Emily is turned around to give us frontal view of her bra and knickers.
“There were five birthdays in June in the house, but Charley had the most massive birthday party, it’s definitely BB fixing how people are seen,” says Emily. “They only gave the twins a pretend party with slop. They have their favourites, put it that way Charley is definitely it.”
But it could have been Emily. As she tells us: “They told my mum they didn’t use a lot of footage of me in the first week because they planned to bring my character out later, then people would want to see more and more of me.”
But then Emily called Charley a nigger and we had seen enough. Although Emily would like to show us more…
He now joins Lesley Brain on her sponsored walk to raise money for fallen Big Brother stars.
If there is shock to be found it is in Jonathan’s reason for leaving: his grandmother has died.
We do not wish to dwell on such matters but Jonathan is 49 years of age, a time when having living grandparents is more of a surprise then finding one of them toes up in the domino pile.
But Jonathan was never comfortable in the house. There is only limited pleasure to be had from watching Nikki bend over and dreaming of balmy days in your Portugal villa with Samanda, the Midwich Cuckoo, for company.
Jonathan is not an unlikeable character. Worrying eyebrows, of course. But his name alone, an abbreviated Jonathan with no ‘h’ in a sea of Billlllis, Nikkkkkis and Charleys marked him out as the embodiment of simpler times.
It’s just that having said he wanted to go a week or more back, and then changing his mind, and then, as the Sun says, sparking rumours of leaving to marry, he now suffers the loss of a dead grandma.
If I were Big Brother I’d want some sign of her passing, or a note from Jonathan’s mum.
BIG Brother calls Tracey into the Diary Room.
Tracey is offered £1,000, two extra nominations and an unlimited supply of tobacco!
“That’s a phat offer,” says Tracey. “A proper phat offer – you’ve done well. But nah, it’s not happening geezer. It’s. Just. Not. Happening.”
But it will happens. Having placed Carole in the firing line (see here), Big Brother is contriving to keep Charley in the house. It is trying to alter the nominations. Four votes for Tracey…
What can Big Brother do between now and Wednesday to fix the deal once more..?
Take your Anorak free £10 bet here…
For the second time she has been whisked from the Big Brother house for treatment. Chanelle has pains in her stomach. Chanelle, as is recorded here and elsewhere, fashions herself on Victoria Beckham. (Chanelle is 100-30 to be the top female and 11-10 for a top four finish with Anorak’s free £10 bet.)
Are the pains the result of over-eating and having a turbo-charged metabolism? The Big Brother doctors must decide. Maybe Chanelle should eat more?
For a clue to what might have pushed Chanelle over the edge, we see Charley (59-1 to win) celebrating her, er, 21st/22nd/45th birthday by filling a bucket with a memento of her birthday tea.
Laura passed out on the bathroom floor. No-one noticed. But at least it gives Laura a renewed purpose. Uses for Laura have been hard to come by. Although it worked for Glyn last year, being Welsh is not always enough. Laura (47-1 to come first) is now the only draught excluder in the village.
Plans to have Laura’s Wangers recalibrated to dispense curry sauce and ketchup are rumoured to be in the more advanced stages. There may well be more than one use for Laura. Ideas to the usual address.
Having been located – Big Brother told the housemates where she was – Laura was given a badge. Not one that said “Kick me” but one bearing the legend “sloth”.
Big Brother had provided Carole (37-1 for ultimate victory) with definitions of the seven deadly sins and told her to match the housemate with the sin.
She awarded the sloth gong to Laura. “What’s sloth anyway?” asked Laura. If she can be bothered, she can find out. But it’s unlikely she will.
This was of course Big Brother playing with Carole. Labelling Laura slothful, Tracy greedy, Amanda beset by pride, Nicky cursed by envy, Liam full of lust, Ziggy glutinous and Charley guilty of wrath, Big Brother has guaranteed that Carole will be up for eviction next week. The badge pinned to Carole’s top says “Mug”
Carole has already been up twice for eviction. And the thinking is that with one vote used up on her the housemates may not turn on Charley. The horror show may yet again escape.
Meanwhile Charley is reeling about the place dressed in a basque and invisible knickers.
She is tossing her guts into a bucket. Well, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go – unless Carole beats her to it…
DISGRACED Big Brother housemate Emily Parr invites Anorak readers to “Check me out! Get to know the real me…”
Emily Parr signs off her missive: “Love Emily x”. That “Love Emily” might be an order, less than a request. And given Emily’s love of black chat, the X might be her slave name. Emily X displays the absence of an inherited African name to take its place.
To make her point, Emily writes in six times. Emily is determined that we get to know the “real her”; for all we know the real Emily might be an easy-going lovable type, and not a pushy eager-to-be seen wannabe.
“I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!,” says the title to Emily’s letter to the masses.
It quickly transpires that this is unlikely to be Big Brother’s Emily Parr at all. This is in all likelihood someone who wants to put the jackboot in on Emily Parr and do her no little damage.
Says this would-be Emily Parr: “I should point out that I am completely racist but so what? I’m Emily Parr so I do whatever I want. Besides black people aren’t as good as white people. I hate it when black people are confident. They want to be taken down a peg or two. They’re just jealous because I’m so beautiful.”
Anorak is no friend to Miss Parr but suggests that she finds out who is passing themselves of as her with malicious intent and invites them to “stick it out” for a good kicking.
And tell the police…
Let us know when you next see Tracey on the highlights show. She’s changing her look. So be aware…
ESSEX FM has begun a campaign to get Brian evicted from the Big Brother house. The radio station says Brian is so thick he shows Essex in a bad light.
But Brian’s mum Sue Smith believes he is simply playing the game.
“He’s being portrayed as the Essex idiot but he’s not thick,” says Sue. “It’s just a game show and he’s playing it. He is clever.”
Brtian’s aunt Rhona says: “He’s a genuinely nice lad. It’s a disgrace a radio show would be so disrespectful.”
Yeah. Show some R.E.S.P.C.T.
See Brian acting dumb like Olivier in Henry V here…
YOU won! Easy money, eh? The fringe has gone. Billi is no more.
It had been getting on so well with Charley’s pet hair. They would yap and yap and yap about all sorts of things. Rumours are they mated and produced a new beard for Jonathan/Carole/Ziggy/Liam – take your pick.
Don’t miss out next time. Open the account for free money…
IT happened last night. We warmed to Samanda. Not in a sweaty-handed way. Not like Jonathan.
Sat in the Dairy Room, Samanda was instructed to see if she could read minds. She laughed. She showed emotion. We have no idea what she said, but she said it with enthusiasm.
In a sea of mediocrity, it looked entertaining. And a welcome break from Charley’s histrionics. Charley is an impressive 9-1 for a top four finish. Seeing how she’s escaped eviction so far, it’s a bet to consider.
Samanda drew pictures. From now on it would be best if she communicated by doodle. We would get what she meant and feel more involved in the show. Of course, there are those who like Samanda for being blonde, lithe and young.
In the Sun, Samanda is on the bed wrestling with herself. Men living in seaside caravan parks on police sex registers will enjoy the view. They could go all the way. Take Samanda to win.
And certainly to get into the top four: Sam (11-8), Anda (4-5).
BIG Brother star emeritus Samuel Preston is pouring Chantelle Houghton’s belongings into a bin.
The Mirror looks on as Preston dumps his estranged wife’s stuff on the street.
A “homeless man appears”, one dressed in clean clothes and, perhaps, in the employ of a national newspaper. He rummages through the bags, one of which carries the logo of a firm “specialising in sexy lingerie and sex toys.”
He should wear gloves.
BRIAN to win (8-1):
As the Star reports (“PAY PER PHEW”), this premium rate channel will enable anyone unable to get porn on cable or via their PC to see Ziggy and Chanelle fumble under the covers.
A senior Channel 4 executive tells us: “It’s a bloody good idea and one that is under active consideration.”
Active eh? “This would be a great addition to our Big Brother service and would have a wide appeal for viewers wanting to take their voyeuristic tendencies a step further.”
While voyeurs put down their binoculars, step into the garden and peep through partly open curtains at Big Brother: After Dark, we actively see how the idea could be further developed.
Why not create a channel for each housemate, a version of Sky Sports’ Player Cam, enabling viewers to watch only one housemate all the time?
Billi TV. Carole Cam. Live Charley hair racing. Each one more successful than the next. And this also means Emily can get the TV career she wanted on Niggers Uncut.
Stick it out, Big Brother. So we can all see…
BIG Brother’s Imogen Thomas is showing the world her breasts. Star readers see Imogen dressed in a pair of tights and some knickers. Says Imogen: “They’re all natural, so why not show them off?” With Imogen entering the fourteenth minute of her fame, we await further naturalist moments…
We speak of Big Brother’s Chantelle and Preston who are to divorce a mere 10 months after tying the knot.
It all looked so promising for the reality TV star who married the singer she met on the show. With her blonde hair extensions and his one hit, they would remain at the summit of British celebrity for as long as they wanted.
It’s a sad day. But the Star resists all urges to throw a black cape around Chantelle’s naked shoulders, her naked bosom and her generously exposed rear.
It realises that as something dies, something else is born. What this something is remains to be seen. But hopes are of a presenting job on QVC for her and a starring role in the stage play Potts Of Gold, the real life story of Lenny Potts, the ‘legless’ South London teddy boy who raised money by sitting astride an upturned aeroplane propeller attached to an engine. Once strapped on, he would spin to the sound Danny & The Juniors while John Robertson, clad in his “Heaven’s Angels” jacket, collected money in his crash helmet.
Great days and no little adventure lie in wait for Chantelle and Preston. But now the couple have only a statement to make: “After much soul-searching ad tearful discussions, we have sadly decided to ends out marriage…
“We know people will think we married too quickly on the back of Big Brother, but we were genuinely in love at the time and we will never regret our time together.”
Jonathan wants to leave the house. He wants to join Lesley on her sponsored walk.
“I’m sorry if I’ve wasted everybody’s time,” he says.
“I don’t have any regrets. I feel like I’ve won Big Brother because I’ve got somewhere.”
Winner! Just what we were thinking…
GOODY-isms to date:
Laura: You know eggs? Are they vegetables?
Charley: I love Barbados
Shabnam: Yeah, the people have such spirit
Charley: Have you been
Billi: What’s the capital of Holland?
Brian: I’m going to be glamorous. G.L.A.M.O.R.S
Billi to go. Easy money for you…
WHAT’S Tracey Barnard smoking? It’s not tobacco. Smells like… Smells like… Basil. You can smoke cinnamon sticks…
Tracey’s not leaving the house. Not this week…
BACK slaps all round at Anorak Towers as we told you that Billi Bhatti would be up for eviction and Charley would not be.
It’s “Billi No Mates” the Sun says seven housemates nominate Zoolander for the push.
Chief reason given was that Billi has shifty eyes. This might explain why he wears sunglasses indoors. He’s not a complete berk after all, just crushingly self-aware and not wishing to cause offence.
But it was not enough. And now he’s up for the chop. Billi is at 1.07 on the Betfair markets. That’s 1-14 on. That means if you put £1 on Billi to go you win (a roll on the drums) 7 pence.
The minimum stake on Betfair is £2, which means you stand to win 14 pence.
Even tax free this is unlikely to alter your lifestyle unless you are Seány and can use it to buy a new yellow tracksuit.
But it is a very good bet. Open a Betfair account deposit your tenner and bet on the red-hot favourite, Billi. To date both Shabnam and Seány have been well ahead of the field at eviction time. Both went.
Billi will go. He’s about as popular as a wasabi enema. Up against the likeable Tracey and hard-to-dislike Carole, he’s a shoo-in.
Take the bet. Then qualify for your free £10. Easy. The money goes straight into your account.
Take the bet…
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Billi, Tracey and Carole have all been nominated for eviction. Chaley was too. But Billi’s votes were discounted. Told you.
Anorak scoops them all. Did you bet on Billi like we said? Course you did…
Anorak – first for Big Brother news…
The 3rd eviction market suggests there will be three housemates up for the public vote this week – Billi (2.8), Charley (1.9) and Nicky (10). As a result, both Billi and Charley’s outright price has been pushed out to 100 and 85 respectively, though Nicky remains solid at around 40.
Elsewhere, Liam continues to be Mr Popular with all and sundry and is now a very short looking 4.5 to win. The only other notable movement is that of Welsh windbag Laura, who did a sterling job of keeping everyone awake during the task and has lengthened to 55 from 42.
But if he’s there, the girls should carry on regardless. And if that means cavorting about in bikinis and posing for lipstick lesbo shots for lads’ mags, then so be it.
Jonathan will not interfere – unless, of course, the girls want him to…
IF Charley goes, what will Big Brother be left with?
It’s time to nominate and Charley’s name is repeating like last night’s king prawn madras.
She’s sure to be up for the public vote. And the public are sure to vote her out.
And now Charley is 4-5 favourite to go next, ahead of Billi Zoolander on 9-4.
But think on. Rumours are that Billi has erred. That Billi has nominated. That Billi has been discussing nominations, breach of the rules. That Billi’s nominations are to be discounted. That Billi voted for Charley.
There is now the chance that Charley will not be up for the chop. And Billi will be.
Billi is not dislikeable. But he’s not all that likeable either. Wold he be missed if he were not in the house? No. The advice is to back Billi for the chop and take a smaller bet on Jonathan at 28-1. Get your free £1o bet here…
THE housemates need to stay awake for 60 hours, or 10 weeks. In They Shoot Horses, Don’t They, the contestants get to dance. Tracey can dance if she wants to.
But she’s not brought her jester’s hat and whistle. So instead she moans.
“What a load of s***,” observes Tracey, as if eyeing a handful of grass seeds and litmus paper.
“You ain’t happy love,” wondered Brian, who speaks in 1950s Cockney couplets, think Bernard Breslaw in Carry on Camping.
“There’s such sketchy ******* people in the Living Area,” said Tracey. “It ***** me off. They’ve set us up right for nomination, eh? People just give up so ******* easily, that’s what annoys me – know what I mean?”
Tracey’s gone hardcore. No minicab for her. She’s been waiting for this her whole life. She can do it. And afer forty-odd hours with out sleep she may even get a light buzz on.
Now if someone can just tread went mud onto her bed, feed her meat alternatives shaped to look like meat and scream “Mental!” in her ear, she can pretend she’s at Glastonbury…