Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
The housemates are vying to see if they can improve their minds, bodies and souls. The housemate who fares best in each section will be exempt from eviction. The remaining 10 will be up for the vote.
Carole is the Mirror’s “beaded lady”, astral surfing as she tunes into the Cosmo and discovers that Charley has had a “foul-mouthed showdown” with Danielle Lloyd at a London club (see pictures of them kissing in the Sun), that Wayne Rooney has fractured his foot and Cillit Bang’s Barry has launched a new pine-fresh scoring pad.
Carole may also look into the Betfair market and see that she is 119-1 to win the show.
Not that Carole the hippy cares. What matter that only Kara-Louise and Jonty (159-1) are less popular than her – the balloon-skirted whiner out to 559-1 to win?
Of course, no-one is less popular than Charley was. And now that horror show is standing on a sticky red carpet giving “pafetic” Danielle Lloyd the benefit of her “foughts”, Big Brother has improved beyond measure.
For one thing, Jonty has been spanking Kara-Loo. It was, in truth, one spank, a single blow. But delivered by a man in shiny bri-nylon quilted dressing gown, it took on a lasting ripple.
Kara-Loo laughed. Later she may well revisit the moment and seek therapy. She might also seek out some of Carole’s cleaning aids to cleanse the spanking zone.
But first the house much be cleansed of dead wood. Take Kara-Loo to go first. Then Jonty.
The new Robson and Jerome.
We see it all…
AS the News of The World reports with panting excitement: “Big Brother’s latest booted-out babe Amy Alexandra has laid bare her sensational sex secrets—after stripping off for an explicit internet porn video.”
Amy features on a website called Panty Maniacs. the tagline for which runs: “REAL WOMEN…REAL PANTIES!”
The NOTW observes that Amy:
CRAVES wild sex outdoors and in unusual locations.
DEVOURS men in her kitchen as she cooks dinner for them.
LOVES hosting LESBIAN slumber parties at her house.
SHOWERS with “guests” in her plush wood-lined bathroom at home.
Says Amy, 21: “I’ve had sex on the top of a multi-storey car park, but I’m hoping to add quite a few more to that list of strangest places I’ve done it.”
A fake house in a field in Elstree with CCTV cameras tracking your moves, the footage broadcast to mum and dad back home, would be a challenge to most.
“I do love a good hot steamy shower with a guy. So I think my ideal fantasy would be to get hot and steamy in an amazing waterfall somewhere in the rainforest, surrounded by all the flowers and animals,” says Amy.
Or in the kitchen?
“I have to admit I don’t cook very often. I like to have a bit of a dabble, but there’s plenty more fun things to get up to in the kitchen,” says Amy.”You never know what you might find lying around. Or you might have a nice guy over and it’s always good to get together over the work top.”
Amy is seen sat on the food-prep counter. Devour Amy before her sell-by date passes in around 12 minutes. Fill your PVC thigh-high waders.
Says the NOTW: “She then suggestively removes the singlet and puts it in her mouth.”
She eats her clothes? Overlooking the hygiene issues of sex on a kitchen work surface – what would Carole make of it? – Amy shows signs of not knowing what is edible and what is wearable? Is this what chocolate body paint and wearing whipped cream for lads mags does to the mind?
“As the film draws to a close, Amy is unable to keep her hands off her body—even while walking up the stairs to her bedroom in a tiny black slip dress.”
She’s then in the bathroom. The NOTW calls this oversized toilet “sophisticated”.
Amy reveals: “All my guests like to go there. There’s quite a lot of space in the bathroom so we can get quite a few people in at a time…if you know what I mean.”
We hear you Amy. And we’ve seen it all on Big Brother.
Get your free £10 Big Brother bet here
At least part of the Star’s front-page headline is correct. Amy will leave the Big Brother house tonight.
Slightly out to 1.08, Amy is nonetheless a shoo-in to go. That’s 1-12.
After Charley the lapdancer and now Amy the glamour model, Big Brother should realise that the British public prefer a more demure contestant – at least until she leaves the house and poses in Big Brother Amateurs and the Star.
And here is Chanelle in the paper. She’s wearing a bikini. She’s the guest editor of the Star’s Big Brother section.
“I will walk back in the house in a flash, no worries,” says she. “When they open the door, I’ll be there waiting to go in. I just can’t wait.”
Chanelle says the first thing she will do is wait for Ziggy to give her a kiss. She won’t have to wait long. Ziggy kisses Carole. Ziggy kisses his dog. Ziggy kisses anything. The second thing she’ll do is kiss him back.
Says Chanelle: “I think it’s so sweet that he’s pining for me.”
Ziggy is 5.4 to finish the show in the top four and that’s worth considering.
But this is not about Ziggy. This is about Chanelle. This is not about David. This is not about Shanessa. This is not about Charley. They all left within a few days of Chanelle. It is Chanelle who has become the tabloid fodder.
Chanelle is doing her first public appearance tonight. She will be at SANUK nightclub in Blackpool. Great days.
But – that’s right – she won’t be returning to the Big Brother house. News to us who have just read in the Star that she will be.
At least Chanelle is definite about one thing – Brain will win. He’s 5-4 to take the top spot.
But it’s goodbye from Amy. Unless, you’re a reader of the Daily Sport, in which case it’s a big heloooooo…
CLEAR to one and all that Davina McCall is too old to present Big Brother. But she is down with the yoof and is planning to get a new tattoo for her 40th birthday. “I want to get something sci-fi or Gothic, but I’m very open to new ideas,” says she. No, not “DNR” on her chest – she’s not that old. Something more dignified…
AMY Alexandra is 1-11 to be evicted from the Big Brother house. The glamour model is miles ahead of the market – ahead of Kara-Louise (9.6), Jonty (140) and Samanda (350).
Amy is going. She will pour her 30 litres of underwear into her bag and strut off into the pages of a lads mag.
Rumours are that now so many Big Brother housemates have stripped the newsagent’s top shelf is to be greeted by a new organ called Big Brother Babes, Evicted Escorts or, given the nature of this year’s house, Siesta.
Amy, of course, has one advantage over her naked agonists. Working as a topless stunna means the Sport and Star newspapers can produce pictures of her in underwear and not have to wait.
And we can expect more. Amy has seen the other housemates put her up for eviction. She is unimpressed at being accused of using Big Brother to further her own career – as if! – and being accused of chasing Liam because he is popular and has won £100,000.
“They think I’m a slut – that’s my job,” says Amy. “I’ve come up against this so many times in my life. As for the money thing, I don’t struggle for money.”
Indeed. All Amy need do for cash is remove her top and suck a finger. Easy.
Almost anyone can do it, even Jonty – there is, we are assured, a magazine for everyone.
But Jonty is more than a piece of meat. Jonty’s is the voice of reason. He may look like the kind of man who spends his days watching Big Brother Uncut and Hollyoaks In the City, but he is a sensitive soul.
“New people have come in,” he tells Amy and Kara-Looo. “It saves them having to nominate each other for another week. That’s it for us.”
He’s right. Amy will go. Then Kara-Loo. But he is right only to a point. Jonty is entertaining company and Anorak thinks he will last longer than Tracey and may be even beyond that.
Tracey is out to 170 to win the show. “What you see is what you get,” says Tracey. This is one of her stock phrases. The others are “’ave it” and “”I’m Tracey, deal with it!”
If you bought a doll from a toy shop, pulled the sting and it said only three things you’d take it back or throw it into wardrobe and close the door. Surely there is more to Tracey. But we fear not.
She is what she is. Deal with it. Back her to go – but not go as a far as Amy…
BIG Brother USA is dire. But they are learning:
Amber says: “The majority of people I know from New York are Jewish, and the majority of Jewish people I know, my gosh, so many are so selfish. So weird. Even my sister always tells me, she’s like my sister, and my mom will meet someone and I’ll be like, ‘I don’t like that person. That person doesn’t seem like a very good person to me,’ and my mom and sister are like, ‘You know why?’ Why? ‘They’re Jewish.’ How do you know? ‘Amber you can tell by their last name, you can tell by their nose.’ I’m like, ‘Really?'”
THERE’S a picture in OK! of Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz, Nikki Graham, pulling her pigtails. If she keeps pulling them will her head unravel?
“ONE of the care team told me on Saturday that they pick the contestants they want to promote.
“The new housemates didn’t have a fair chance. We were just there as extras really.” So says David Hamilton-Parnaby.
“There were a lot of things we did that never got shown,” say David.
That’s David Hamilton-Par… Oh, never mind. Next!
So begins the Star’s take on world news. “Shock vote sees babe return to take on Ziggy.”
What’s this? A vote that even Davina McCall didn’t yell about? Did Big Brother viewers vote at 50pence-a-minute o.n.o. to take Chanelle back in the house?
No. The vote is of the Star’s design. “SHOULD CHANELLE RETURN TO THE SHOW?” The paper asks the questions. Readers are afforded only two options: Yes and No.
We would plump for “maybe”, which would require a vote for yes and a one for no, or us not voting at all.
Chanelle is in limbo. And she’s in a black bikini with a hand placed over the cup of her right breast.
But we have seen enough. Amy has assured us that we have seen plenty. And Amy is up for the chop.
And if her career demands it, Amy will be very possibly be up for the scalpel and the airbag injection. Her talent are weighty but in the dog-eat-dog world of glamour modelling, Amy made need more.
And Kara-Louise has also been also nominated for eviction. We have one question to ask on this niiiiiice girl: what is your natural skin colour?
When she arrived in the BB compound, Kara-Louise was a deep sepia. Now, after a couple of weeks indoors, K-L is reduced to a sandy taupe. Kara-Louise is 6-1 to go. She won’t.
The only thing that remains constant in Kara-Louise’s teeth, which are of a whiteness Hitler and modern neo-Nazis only dream of.
The money must be on Amy to go. She will. She’s 1-7 on and so far every favourite for eviction has gone. The Betfair markets are the best barometer of the nation’s mood. Put your money where your mouth is.
Viewers don’t like Amy. Although Star readers might want to vote her back in…to a bikini…
Having admitted her failings and agreed to seek therapy, Charley is now in a “secret location” in Spain.
All the Star can reveal is that Charley Uchea is by a swimming pool. There is a green li-lo. She is wearing a blue and white striped bikini.
The paper would say more but there are dark forces at work. Charley is now the victim.
Victimhood is to be craved and cultivated by any wannabe celebrity. Charley might look like a hardnosed aggressor but she is in actual fact frail and open to misinterpretation.
Charley is the victim of death threats. She has been abused. Some members of the audience for Channel 4’s post-Big Brother the Friday Might Project tried to dislodge some of her hair extensions. The hair did not bite back. It too is cowed and victimised.
“It’s no shock she’s afraid to go home,” says a source. “A large number of the public hates her and some have been making their feelings clear with threats.”
These threats are not made specific. Right it is that these nasties are denied the oxygen of publicity.
We should focus on Charley. We can only hope that her pain does not become manifest in an eating disorder and bi-polarism.
Says a source: “She hopes that by going away on holiday for a few weeks it will give people a chance to calm down and forget what has happened.”
And if we must see her in a bikini, then so be it…
Ploys were tried. David was invited to pretend he was on I’m A Celebrity Get me Out Of Here and eat something disgusting. But he is not a celebrity and managed only to puke up most of his raw beef and jam delight.
Shanessa was invited to drink a pint of mayonnaise. She refused. The massage parlour worker didn’t even rub the stuff into the palms of her hands and command Big Brother to “relax”. Shanessa was no Kerry Katona showing the world her gag reflex.
And then she too like David was gone, thrown out of the house to a chorus of boos. The crowd has to boo. This is “pantomime” says Davina McCall, dressed like Widow Twanky. But the Endemol runners and production stuff are booing like they mean it. Placards are being held aloft in scenes not witnessed since the Danish embassy was besieged by Islamicists.
But it can’t save the show. Big Brother is trying to salvage it.
What can it try next? The Star says on its front page: “BB AXES TWINS.” Inside: “Big Bro Knifes Twins!”
Are these the morbid feelings evoked by Samanda? Grisly death. Murder. Don’t go into the cellar, Samanda. They scream. And now they scream some more. But no-one comes running. These are the girls who screamed wolf.
But this is not murder? It’s nothing of the sort. But certainly there is cruelty against Samanda. They have been nominated for the chop.
In “Show fixed to stop girls winning” we see the girls called to the Diary Room. Big Brother wants to know if they are two contestants or one. If treated as one, then votes for either mean nominations for both. If treated as two, then one of them must be up for eviction on Friday.
If you have lost the thread, do not trouble yourself. Just know that Big Brother has belatedly realised that selecting twins who get along means they never vote for each other. There is no evil twin. They are both just so very fluffy and pink.
Says Samanda: “We’d prefer to go up for nominations together than separately – I would never vote for Amanda and she would never vote for me. We prefer to be as one anyway.”
But Samanda will not go. Both are now in at 4-1 to win the show, tucked in behind solid favourite Brian, slightly out to 2-1.
And Carole will be up for the chop. Carole is now the kamp kommandant.
She cooks. But she shows no sign of being any good at it. Carole’s food is revolting. She wants to be house’s mother figure, but she is the kind of mother whose children don’t invite friends home, and certainly not to sample mum’s porridge.
Carole, whose figure engenders her with the appearance of a woman walking with her head stuffed though a 1950s seaside postcard, is less entertaining than understanding.
And who can understand the muddle and fudge that is this year’s Big Brother? Who wants to..?
Big Brother’s Charley Uchea is to undergo a course in anger management. This is stepping-stone on her path to celebrity, it being on the route to fame potholed by “rehab”, “bi-polar disorder” and “bullying”.
As the Mirror writes: “Charley has hired showbiz experts to help her forge a media career, and anger therapy is the first step.”
THE trickle of Jade Goody news goes on. Like a slurry of curry sauce sliding across the plate towards our virgin nan bread, Jade Goody re-renters our lives. The Sun says she’s investing her money in a beauty salon. A “pal” tells us: “She wants to invest what money she has left to secure her children’s future.” So she’s setting her two sons up with a chain of beauty parlours…
NOW Chanelle Hayes is famous, she is worried that secrets about her will leak out. So she’s telling the Star about them. “My secret abortion torment,” says the Star’s headline. And we read about the secret. And wonder if there is anything Chanelle will not share with us…
Shanessa lacks the bitchiness of Charley. Rowing is not her thing. So she settles upon the second route to stardom by displaying her primary sexual characteristics.
But we don’t want to see them. Those breasts. Those legs. Those buttocks. Shanessa gives the housemates her lapdance. A shock to we who saw lapdancing as way to keep fit. Shanessa looks about as fit as Noel Edmonds in a nylon thong.
Says Shanessa: “I’ve worked as an escort, worked in a massage parlour and know a couple of porn stars.”
She invites us: “I think I need to be told to shut up.” But Charley is not there to tell her. Charley has been vote out. Viewers had enough of her vile behaviour.
So Shanessa goes on. And now she’s in the halfwit house with David the Pagan, Kara-Louise the girl who cries with both barrels and Tracey.
Poor Tracey. The raver has been voted into the halfwit house because, as hero-martyr Ziggy – out to 59-1 to win – put it, she is made of strong stuff. The people outside the house will not boo her. They will blow whistles and vibrate to the music in their heads.
But Tracey will not go. She’s 7-1 to finish the show in the top 4 and it’s worth a bet.
David will go. David is 529-1. These are the longest odds to win the show this season. You can get 150-1 on Shanessa playing prop forward for Wales in the World Cup final.
Which on the face of it looks like a decent punt…
JADE Goody is in the Sun. She has spent seven hours getting blonde hair extensions tethered to her scalp. She wears black-rimmed glasses. But the disguise isn’t working…
YOU put a housemate in. A housemate out. You put a housemate in. You shake Shanessa all about.
You dash to the Diary Room and let the tears flood out and then we start all over again…
Right now we have Kara-Louise who wears a puffball skirt. These went out in 1982, about the same time yuppies and the upwardly mobile stopped giving their children double-barrelled first names and began naming them Angel, Apple and Armani. The brand became all.
Kara-Louise is 199-1 to win the show. She has no chance. Indeed, with her two first names she has barely half a chance.
And then there is David. He wore interesting eye make-up when he entered the house. He looked edgy with his kilt. He is sadly no more likeable than Seány (remember him yet?). Liam and Ziggy have taken an instant dislike to him. David looks not unlike Charles Gray, the actor who played Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever.
If David is looking for someone to play the part of his white cat, to sit on his lap and be up for a stroke, Gerry seems very available.
And then there is Shanessa. She arrived wearing an outfit rarely seen away from the end of the pier during summer matinee season. Shanessa tells the world that she looks “dirty”.
If readers of the Daily Sport vote on Big Brother, Shanessa might win. But they don’t. They are too busy using the phone to call premium rate chatlines to speak with women who look like Shanessa. She’s out to 269-1 to win.
But she might come in if she can pull Brian, a job akin to shooting cooking apples in jam jar with a blunderbuss.
If he goes to Shanessa, Brian will no longer be favourite (he’s 5-7 to win). Anorak suggests taking bet on Liam at a sold 9-2.
At the moment he’s out. But he’s bound to come in. Once he stops shaking it all about with Amy…
Take them all with Anorak’s Free bet.
BIG Brother greyhound hare Charley Uchea says that for three year’s she’s been working on a book. And one day in the not too distant future she hopes to finish it and get another one out the library, and pay of the overdue book fine…
Were Shanessa, Jonty or Amy fans of Chanelle we would surely fear for Ziggy’s safety. But they are not. And it remains to be seen how Chanelle’s fans intend to get at the former boybander.
And there is the oddness that Chanelle has fans. And are her fans also fans of Victoria Beckham? And is Victoria Beckham now a fan to Chanelle’s? Is she going to get Ziggy, offing him with a deadly blow from a shopping bag or Day-vid’s Alice band?
And might it be that now Ziggy’s on the Halfwit house he would welcome sweet, glorious death. Anything but a lapdance from Shanessa.
And what is it with lapdancers from horrorshow girls?
Ziggy may yet fall upon his own sword. Or Amy…
“ZIGGY humiliated me on national TV,” says Chanelle Hayes in the Star. “I couldn’t take any more.”
“He treated me like sh*t and made me look an idiot. I can’t live in the same house as him. I’ve made a fool of myself.”
So Chanelle flounces out. And into a lad’s mage dressed in a thong and whipped cream.
And Ziggy goes into the halfway house.
Reading from a set of instructions immediately after his entrance into the main house, David announces: “Please welcome your new housemates David and Kara-Louise. But there is a price to pay for their arrival.
“To make room, one of you must leave the Big Brother house. Housemates, you will decide which one of you this is. The person you choose will immediately…move into the halfway house as a halfway housemate. There is no guarantee that they will ever return to the main Big Brother house.”
Ziggy is desperate to look like the good guy. He falls on his sword and offers himself up for relocation. “Actually, you know what? I’d like to take it…I’ll do it, seriously. Seriously…choose me,” says he. Adding: “I feel better ‘cos of what’s happened today and…maybe it’s better for me.”
Ziggy is guilty of caddish behaviour and must go, or so he thinks. But he’s no cad. All Ziggy did was have a summer fling and then find himself living with the girl.
And now he’s doing his penance. And he is in a halfway house with:
Jonty: Oh dear. Jonty looks like the type of man who might be found in a real halfway house, or on sprawling housing estate watching Hollyoaks in the City with a sweaty finger on the pause button.
Amy: So much less then the sum of her tight shorts and cleavage. Amy is a glamour model by trade. She revealed this to Liam, whose eyes lit up as if someone had shoved a 20watt love wand in his ears.
Shanessa: “I’m 27 and never been kissed,” says Shanella. Why, because it’s extra?
This is Ziggy’s burden. And this is Chanelle laughing and then wondering what Victoria Beckham would do…
Who will win? Only you. Get your free Anorak bet here…
ZIGGY must be overjoyed. That voice! Like a Flump on Prozac. Goodbye Chanelle. Goodbye… Goodbye…
DAVID: likeable. Twinkling eyes. Cuboid.
Kara-Louise: Double-barrelled first names. Sad. Once you get past her name has no conversation.
Bring back Charley!
FETCH the magic sponge. Fetch two. Hell, dredge the Great Barrier reef and call Paul Daniels. As the Star’s front-page headline screams: “BIG BRUV CHARLEY: I BEDDED PREM STAR.”
Furtive looks in the summer training camp as Gary looks to Jermaine looks to Smudger. “Was that Charley?” they wonder, recalling a trip to a toilet in an Essex nightclub.
Charley is all over the Star like a wannabe over a, well, a footballer in a nightclub. Charley says “all hell would beak lose” if the name of her conquest were to slip out.
So she gives us a clue: “He is in the Premiership and he is good looking and fit and we had a thing. It all had to be kept quiet… We met in secret for sex.”
Charley, it should not be forgotten, thinks she is gorgeous. For sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but unkind voices suggest Charley invests some money in laser surgery and cataract removal.
Although in the land of the delusional, the one-eyed woman is queen.
THERE are it seems some rather concerning and amusing stories in this morning’s Sundays. According to the Sunday Telegraph, Gordon Brown has decided to cut £50 million from drug treatment programmes in the forthcoming Comprehensive Spending Review.
Now some will say that it is Darling that is Chancellor, but the cynic amongst many of us will know that really means Brown. Meanwhile the Independent on Sunday has a whistleblower story about the NHS, with one of Britain’s most senior surgeons saying there is a bed crisis for trauma patients.
The BBC finds itself hit twice in the Mail on Sunday which alleged that the BBC entrapped someone by offering them £40,000 for some children in a human smuggling scandal in Bulgaria. At the same time it is expressing outrage that the bleeding obvious fake caravan fire in Top Gear was… errr… faked.
Michael Portillo in the Sunday Times has an interesting piece, which, if you can get past his constant slagging of the Tories, suggests Brown should scrap ID Cards and it would be a sign of his strength. Also in the same paper, Bryan Appleyard has a brilliant piece about the “Web 2.0” world and the creation fo notorious nobodies (also known as web celebrities).
My one criticism as ever is this belief that Web 2.0 is actually different to Web 1.0, it isn’t, apart from the fact that a technically illiterate person can now easily publish online. There were many web celebrities before the easy publishing systems – Jay Stile springs to mind even if his sites are, shall we say, decidedly adult.
Finally, on a purely political point, David Davis, has weighed in with support for David Cameron, telling the Sunday Telegraph that “David has passed his first test. Now the party must pass its first test, and that is a test of discipline.”
He’s absolutely right too. Whilst there have been some tactical errors in the past few weeks, and the “Brown Bounce” is suddenly surprising people who were openly acknowledging it would happen before it did, it’s not a time to start blinking and talking about patricide.
Loveable, friendly, single mum Shanessa is a free spirit. When she’s not working as a care assistant, she’s happy at home in her pyjamas. She says she’s different, forward and not afraid to ask questions – she’s happy with who she is, except for always being on a diet. Doesn’t care about politics and her dream job would be a bunny girl at the Playboy mansion.
Likes: Sex, hair extensions, squeezing spots, ‘Sex And The City’.
Dislikes: Heights, ‘horrible things on TV’ and rats.
Why BB? She’s a huge fan and wants to give people something different and strange.
She once took revenge on a cheating ex by piercing his ears while he slept.