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Celebrities

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Celebrity Police Back Amy Winehouse

amy-winehouse-police.jpg THE UK’s celebrity police force has been at it again, this time escorting Amy Winehouse through the streets of London.

The story goes that a photographer accidentally bumped into a someone and failed to say sorry, which upset Winehouse.

But the story is not about Winehouse, rather the PR-conscious Metropolitan police who are always on the scene when a celebrity is in need of a quiet word.

The police act to remind anyone tuning in that celebs are no different to the rest of you and can be pinched at any time. You should not look up to them. The coppers will knock the celeb into shape and then, as a “role model”, she will teach the rest of us how to behave.

We will look and we will learn. And if PC Wooden Top gets into the shot, and we see his good side, so be it…

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Robbie Williams Paves Way to China’s Special Olympics

rudebox-china.jpgNEWS in the Mirror that the Chinese are using unsold copies of Robbie Williams’ Rudebox album to resurface roads.

How they are doing this is not enlarged upon. A look at the CD cover reveals Williams in supine mode, a belligerent expression on his face.

Readers may imagine millions of Chinese walking to the sweat shop on mirrored roads.

The workers look down and see Williams looking up their skirts and trousers legs.

There are millions of Chinese picking up inlay cards and learning Williams English.

“Ok then back to baseheads dance like you just won at the special Olympics,” says one in his language class.

“I got the rudebox of the back of a spaceship, so sick I just had to take it,” says another as he makes ready to welcome dignatories for Beijing 2008….

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Kelvin Mackenzie Samples Rhydian Roberts’ Sex On The Beach

rhydian-sex.jpgSAYS Kevin Mackenzie in the Sun: “My picture shows the Welsh warbler Rhydian Roberts on a beach in Mexico recovering from the rigours of finishing second in X Factor.”

We too have seen the picture.

Mackenzie goes on: “But who is that woman with him? It can’t be his girlfriend as he is a devout Christian and doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.”

We look again at the snap. While no experts in sex and all forms of coitus, we were forced to consult with Old Mr Anorak’s nurse. Together we are pretty certain that Rhydian and the woman are NOT having intercourse on a Mexican beach.

Mr Roberts remains an unsullied Christian, and the woman remains his aunt…

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8)


Amy Winehouse Can Get Covered Like Britney Spears

amy-winehouse-hair.jpgAN internal memo in the Associated Press offices goes: “Now and for the foreseeable future, virtually everything involving Britney is a big deal.”

Frank Baker, the Los Angeles assistant bureau chief, wrote on Tuesday morning, three days after Ms. Spears was released from the hospital where she had been admitted in the wake of a custody dispute.

In the memo, Mr. Baker says “we want to pay attention to what others are reporting and seek to confirm those stories that WE feel warrant the wire… And when we determine that we’ll write something, we must expedite it.”

An insight into the media. And news in the Express that Amy Winehouse is getting a new tattoo on an “Indian feather” on her shoudlers. More on that as it reaches us via the newswires…

Pic: 14

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Pete Doherty’s Training Bra

pete-doherty-01.jpgPETE Doherty is a front runner for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year title.

And he’s wearing a bra. So says the Star, which sees Doherty training for the London Marathon, and preventing “unspeakable jogger’s nipple” buy wearing “padded chesticle hammocks”.

To the Anorak’s mind if there is one thing more boring than a drug addict it is a reformed drug addict partaking in overtly healthy pursuits.

Just as no-one likes skinny Conservative Party leaders, people are wary of pop stars who seek to live a cleaner and less toxic life.

Even Cliff Richard produces his own wine…

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Britney Spears Is Shameless Trailer Trash

britney-glasses.jpgIN parts of Melton Mowbray you can go an entire day without seeing someone who looks like Britney Spears.

And for them the Mirror produces a picture of Spears and another of Frank Gallagher, a fictional TV character from the show Shameless.

The paper labels her “trailer park trash”, the US equivalent of “chav-scum”. The Mirror labels an entire group of people as “trash” to make its point.

Classy…

Posted: 17th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Eddie Murphy’s Hollywood Wedding

EDDIE Murphy: “Just two weeks after their wedding, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have split, according to People”

Two weeks? That long…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Britney Spears Headline Baby Maker

A SOURCE tells OK! magazine, “The court’s taken Preston and Jayden away, so she’ll just have another kid to take their place. That’s the way she thinks.”

Another baby? More headlines. More covers…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Des O’Connors Takes One From Down Under

oconnor.jpg WHEN we first see the names “DES AND JODIE O’CONNOR”, and hear of their marriage we fear we are either in an urban myth, a rural part of Norfolk or watching another bulletin from the Human Fertility and Embryology Bill.

(A pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister.)

Des and Jodie O’Connor already share a surname. Surely they have noticed. They might be brother and sister, although Des is 76 and his wife Jodie 38, so perhaps father and daughter?

But it’s too late to shout “STOP!”, the marriage has already occurred. And we learn that the wedding took place last September. It turns out that the O’Connors are related by marriage. To each other!

What we are looking at is their second marriage. To each other. And another chance for Jodie to wear white, Des to top up his tan and Des and Jodie to give full throat to There Will Be A Wedding, the song they wrote together.

Thankfully, the food was not four months old and the red snapper, kingfish, lamb and dessert of dark chocolate bavarois was as fresh as Des’s underwear and twice as sharp.

It turns out that food is important to the O’Connors. Des recalls meeting Jodie “about 18 and a half years ago”. A few months later he bumped into Jodie in a club “and asked her out to dinner”.
Des does not say what they at, but: “We’ve been having dinner ever since”…

Dinner for breakfast… Dinner for lunch… Dinner for bed…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment


She Used To Be Jordan

jordans.jpg“DIDN’T YOU used to be Jordan?” The blonde throws back her short-bobbed hair and laughs loud and long, a flash of brilliant white teeth light the rooms.

“It is. It is Jordan, winner of the Orange Prize for fiction (When The Tan Goes, I Go) and captain of the Tope Team on Celebrity Question Time (Jordan was MP for Basildon).”

It is Jordan, known now to millions as Lady Jordan Rooney. But in 2023, not everyone will recognise Jordan. The mo-del is changing.

In an OK exclusive, the Jordan asks readers: “GUESS WHAT SURGERY I’M HAVING NEXT?”

Looking at her, we’d say her skin tones are suggestive of a liver transplant. A tonsillectomy? We could spend all day guessing. But soon Jordan is giving clues: “If I was getting lines and crow’s feet round my eyes I would definitely do something about it.”

She then offers: “Sometimes you’re not as tight down there as you’d like…sometimes if you cough of sneeze, a bit of wee comes out.”

We wonder if there is one operation that can satisfy both symptoms? Perhaps Jordan can be turned upside down..?

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Brandon Davis Is Poker Shark Bait

brandon-davis.jpgBRANDON Davis is a d-list, spoilt Hollywood twenty something. On the gossip pages he is called Greasy Bear. His family is rich. Very rich. They made money in oil. Davis is an oily heir. He once called Lindsay Lohan a “fire crotch”. He knows Paris Hilton.

And that’s as far as his CV goes.

Right now Davis is playing poker in Australia.

At one table in the Darlinghurst bar De Nom, the American socialite bought his way into a poker game eight times after a run of losses.

Australia’s Daily Telegraph says: “Buying in at a mate’s rate of $100 (usually $1000), the oily heir is understood to have lost his first lot within the first hour…

“With 40 players chipping in to play, the prize pool of $4000 was helped along by the visitor, who had to keep buying his way back into the game.”

The article is entitled: “Brandon Davis is bait for poker card sharks at De Nom.” He’s a fish out of water. An oily fish, granted, but nonetheless a fish.

The saying in poker goes that if you look around the table and cannot see the mug, then the mug is you.

Notes the paper: “Card sharks in Melbourne may want to keep their eyes peeled for the cashed-up amateur, with word he was planning to head south late yesterday to try his hand at the Aussie Millions poker tournament at Crown Casino.”

As one De Nom spy said, “he was so bad, they’re going to make a killing out of him.”

He was questioned by airport officials in Sydney because he had too much money on him, reportedly over $10,000 in cash. Airport officials were most likely perplexed as to how this hog got his hands on so much money.

“Sources said Davis then drove straight to Kings Cross where it’s believed he cleaned out one exchange bureau of Aussie dollars, before moving on to another.”Forget the oil. This is a gold rush…

You can make killing by playing online. Anorak has bonus on offer….

Pic: 14

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Mark Ronson Lights Up The Brits

toilet_paper.jpgSOMETIMES you can see the Wizard. The Star is talking with Mark Ronson, music producer and friend to Amy Winehouse.

Ronson is up for gongs at this year’s Brits, presented by pixie-voiced own-brand ketchup champion Sharon Osbourne.

Says Ronson: “It feels like I should be able to run around naked with toilet roll spinning around the place”.

“Mark vows to strip at ceremony,” says the Star’s headline. “EXCLUSIVE”.

Says Ronson: “You’ve put the idea in my head and I’m sure Sharon will demand it.”

Idea placed. Headline answered…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Nicole Richie’s Daughter: First Pictures

nicole-richie-baby-hiltron.jpgWRITES Nicole Richie’s lover Joel Madden on his blog of daugther and Essex Girl Harlow: “She looks so much like her mom its crazy! She eats like a little maniac and shes really sweet.”

Nicole Richie is famous for her sweetness and appetite…

Picture

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jamie Oliver On Eggs And Strangulation

oliver.jpgJAMIE Oliver, or, rather, JAMIE! Oliver!!! is upset that his latest crusade has not been taken up by one and all.

Jamie is into free range, the farming practise in which chickens are allowed to see the outside world and glimpse through the wire a world of possibilities. They are then slaughtered. It is the humane way.

But in Jamie’s Fifteen Cornwall eatery, a diner is being affronted with an egg. The Sun says the customer “noticed an egg’s ID stamp was not free range and snapped it”.

Was this shell of egg secreted in a meal? Or are diners in Jamie’s restaurant’s presented with less a menu than a basket of raw ingredient from which they are invited to take as many as they like to from a dish? Eggs are simple enough, but what of the beef?

The story is that the usual supplier failed to produce the eggs on time so staff ordered 360 eggs from elsewhere.

This suggests something about the farming industry and why battery eggs are popular. But Jamie is unhappy. “We have cast-iron rules on what any chef can buy in Fifteen around the world,” says Jamie. “I’ve never been so disappointed in all my life. Heads will roll.”

How the heads swill roll is unsaid. But given Jamie’s hands-on look at farming, we suggest strangulation…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Michael Jackson Shows Up In Vegas

NEWS that Michael Jackson was spotted in the Las Vegas branch of Madame Tussauds was of interest, not least of all to writers of lollypop jokes.

The Casino Anorak notes that Michael Jackson has been living at the top of the Las Vegas Palms in a suite with his children for almost two months.

As reported, twice in a week, Jackson has taken his three children out to see the sights.

If you see the real Jackson lets us know.

If you see him melting in the Vegas sun, please return the waxwork from whence it came…

Play like they do in Vegas, with an Anorak bonus…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Britney Spears’ Hits A Suicide Note

britney-spears-victim.jpgBRITNEY’ Spears. And a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE” on the cover of the Sun. The story: “IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WAS DEAD.”

But Spears is not dead. She has six months to live. As the National Enquirer has told us, Spears will not reach her allotted three scores years and ten but perish on July 21 2008.

Sadly for showbiz reporters with diaries to keep, this is as precsie as it gets. But, as Sigmund Freud, told us “When we attempt to imagine death, we perceive ourselves as spectators”, and there is every chance that if the hacks remain vigilant they will capture the final moments.

Perhaps in readiness for this, Britney Spears has, as reported, penned a note. The Sun says it is a “suicide note”. It goes: “Perhaps it would be better if I was dead.”

It’s not quite “My Way”, but Spears has never been the best lyricist. Indeed, the “friend” who found the note and told the tabloids all about it discovered no more words. Perhaps with some instrumentals the refrain could be repeated over and over and over and faded out?

But “CRY FOR HELP” is a work in progress. “Tormented, terrified and mentally ill,” writes the Sun. “SUICIDAL STAR ON BRINK.” She’s the new Diana.

The paper mentions “fits of terror”, “mentally ill”, “tormented”, “manic depression” and what could be the celebrity illness of 2008, “possible multiple personality disorder”.

The Sun does not dare take its eyes from Spears. It cares enough to watch her at all times, to look on in case she does something stupid, again. Such is the paper’s care for her…

Picture: 14

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment


Tom Cruise Scientology Video

AS Gawker head Nick Denton notes, the video of Tom Cruise preaching about Scientology has been on the web for a while. It is the Sun’s “Cruise’s oddball cult rant”.

But it has been removed from YouTube.

You can watch it hereunder, for now:

Given that religionists make videos of heads being lopped off, is this so bad? Let’s ask the guys in the white vans…

Posted: 16th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (76)


Rosie O’Donnell On Britney Spears, Princess Of Hearts

rosie-odonnell.jpgSAYS Rosie O’Donnell on Britney Spears, via her blog:

“TWENTY SIX

I remember the tunnel as it appeared on the news, lit by headlights, flashlights, red lights. Between the cement tall pillars was a heap of twisted metal. I saw it then, and I can see it now. Diana dead.

She will be trying to get away, but they will chase her, just as they chased her into that church yesterday. There were dozens of them, jostling their way into sanctuary, elbowing past each other, just to creep closer to her. Even her last-minute, folded-hand prayers can’t be kept sacred. There can be no silent moments in a crowd; no silence, and no secrets.

All this fresh, painful frailty costs her so much, but it lines their pockets very well. A kings ransom was paid for those tabloid-ready cheap shots of her with messy hair, tear-soaked eyes, and the half-smile of a desperate baby girl.

‘I’m scared,’ she told them yesterday, when they later mobbed her at court. ‘Move back,’ she said. ‘I’m scared. Stop it. Stop it. I want to get back in the car. Just stop it. Let me get in the car, please.’

Sometimes it really is too much. Internal wires cross. Anxiety hits. Panic sets in the heart. Dread. Fear.

But she asked for it, she’s a public figure.

At eight years old, she bravely stood before a microphone. By 17, she had sold 25 million records. Where were the sidewalk-skinned knees, the chalk stained hands, the monkey bars, the passed notes? A Disney set is not a childhood, no matter how many bright colors they use, or how cheerful the script.

Not a girl, barely even a woman yet, they chased her. A mob of stalkers for whom no stalking laws have been written. Smother. Crush. Flash. Photo Credit. Even Dr. ‘Get Real’ Phil got in on the action. Unreal.

83 million albums sold so far. How many pictures?

The tunnel is crowded now. There are only inches of separation between vulnerability and disaster.”

American Royalty…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (8)


Angelina Jolie Guns For Britney’s Nippers

angelina-jolie.jpg“ANGIE’S TWISTED HUNGER FOR VIOLENCE,” announces the National Enquirer’s cover page.

There’ a picture of Angelina Jolie brandishing a gun. She’s aiming at the Enquirer’s readers. And this below the headline “BRITNEY’S DEAD”.

Surely Angelina can find other children to adopt and can leave Sean Preston and Jayden James alone? “What will happen to Britney’s boys?” wonders the Enquirer. Both are white and blonde. And Jolie already has a big one and a small one of those.

Chances are they will have to remain with their father, Kevin Federline, or else we should hope Britney lives on.

Which brings us to Angelina and her gun…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (2)


Tom Cruise Asks Jennifer Garner

A NEW book on Tom Cruise and Scientology, and Us Weekly reports that the actor has called Alias actress and Mrs Ben Affleck, Jennfier Garner:

Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star’s voice mail in 2004 asking “if she knew what freedom was,” but his advances were rebuffed.

That’s his chat-up line, ‘Do you know what freedom is’? The answer we can only guess at, and it may involve a UFO, platform heels and lots of running…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Britney Spears Dies On July 21

methbrit.jpg“BRITNEY DEAD IN 6 MONTHS!” announces the Enquirer.

Anyone wishing to buy tickets for Britney Spears’ tour in August would do well to save their money, or spend it on some Britney goods which will, after her demise, be worth something more.

The predictive Enquirer is dated January 21, which means Britney will die on July 21, 2008.

Perhaps Britney should be told, so as to put her affairs in order?

As for the date, is it auspicious? Channel 4 has yet to produce 100 Best July 21 Moments, the results of a popular survey, but if it does it will include:

1403 – Battle of Shrewsbury: King Henry IV of England defeats rebels to the north of the county town of Shropshire

1969 – Neil A. Armstrong and Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin become the first men to walk on the Moon

2005 – Four terrorist bombings, occurring exactly two weeks after the similar July 7 bombings, target London’s public transportation system

Events by date make unusual bedfellow, and added to the list will be the death of Britney Spears death. Perhaps Buzz Aldrin could comment on it?

Of course, Britney may not die, which could make the date no less memorable to the Enquirer which will publish “SHE’S ALIVE!” across its front pages and the news that Britney has comeback from the dead….

Pic: 14

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (9)


Danielle Lloyd’s A Liver Bird

liver.jpg“DANI – I’ll show you my arts,” says Danielle Lloyd on the Star’s cover page.

Danielle hails from Liverpool, which just happens to be Europe’s Capital of Culture (one year only!).

“I’m so proud of my home city – it’s the best in the world,” says Danielle, who spends most of her life in Essex and London.

As for Danielle’ arts, they are manifest in a painting, a vision of orange and orangey-browns daubed onto what passes for her own body in what some reviewers are calling “a paean to Titian” and others “a post modern indictment of the ready-cooked chicken industry”…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)


Freddie Starr Gooses Samantha Fox On Wife Swap

freddiehamster.jpgFOR some years, Anorak has been wondering as to the whereabouts of Freddie Starr.

Fears abounded that Mr Starr was languishing in an Austrian jail, charged and found guilty of mentioning the war and glorifying in Hitler as he toured with the act that made him a stalwart of ITV’s Who Do You Do? through so much of the 1970s.

One of Starr’s escapades was goose-stepping up and down London’s Oxford Street dressed as Hitler, hailing taxis and demanding to be taken to Poland. Did he try to rescale the comedy heights in Vienna?

Happily, it can be revealed that Freddie is at large and soon to appear on the TV show Wife Swap. Freddie will swap ‘wives’ with Sam Fox, the 1980s topless model, who lives with Myra Stratton.

Freddie’s wife is one Donna, who is 27 years his junior. Freddie is 64, making Donna a sprightly 37, a mere nipper when Freddie was doing Hitler.

Anyone keen to discover if Donna actually thinks Starr is Hitler should tune into the show…

Posted: 15th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (25)


Celebrity Norovirus With Charlie Brooker

norovirus.jpgUNLIKE, say, MRSA, the Norovirus bug has yet to find its celebrity face.

MRSA has embraced Kathy Burke – “I had that C.difficile hospital bug that everyone is going on about. It was an experience” – and Leslie Ash – “I want to bring this to the public notice”.

But Norovirus, also known as winter vomiting disease, has no VIP champion.

Doctors estimate more than 10,000 people a week are catching Norovirus. Knowing that there is now one celebrity for ever 1,000 Live Audience Members (Source: Anthea Turner’s Celebrity Survey), we wonder if the celebrity world is keeping the illness in house. Puking, diarrhoea and the multi-talented “Diking” (both at once) are, perhaps, less marketable than MRSA, with its mysteries and plotlines.

In the Guardian, Charlie Brooker, who appears on BBC4, says: “There’s a plague stalking the land and I’m terrified. But here’s how to avoid Notovirus meltdown.”

Brooker has been successful so far. This might be because he has washed his hands and spent past of the last month in New York. It might be down to sheer bloody-mindedness.

But if the likeable Brooker does fall ill, he might be the one to tell us about it. Assuming, of course, his computer does not become clogged with the detritus of the disease no-one is talking about…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (4)


Michael Jackson Tours Madame Tussauds

MICHAEL Jackson has just taken his children – Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II (aka Blanket) – to an after-hours tour of Madame Tussauds, Las Vegas.

And that’s it…

Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)