Celebrities | Anorak - Part 368

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

A Bit Parky For Judi Dench

parky.jpgJUDI Dench is on the Michael Parkinson show. As ever with Dame Dench there is drama: her cardigan has fallen open.

How do you follow Mohammed Ali mouthing off, a lifetime of Billy Connolly anecdotes and being attacked by Rod Hull’s Emu?

Such was the concern in the Parkinson’s production office. One idea was for Ant ‘n’ Dec to recreate the Top Ten Parkinson moments, with music by the Billy Connolly All Stars dressed up as emus.

But no need. Here comes Dench, proving that when it come to flashing royals she is every bit the equal of Queen Helen Mirren and Sophie Wessex.

Notes the Mail: “On show was not only her fishnet bodystocking and black bra, but also five inches of soft tummy.”

The Mail notes that the moment has “echoes of Judy Finnegan’s appearance at the National Television Awards” when her top opened and TV’s John Leslie, later to become embroiled in a sex tape shaming, stepped forward to hide the sight from view, a move many commentators found ageist.

It is clear that Dench should play Finnegan in the biopic of the queen of daytime telly. And if Parkinson can play Finnegan’s TV partner Richard Madeley, we have a fitting and salting tribute to Parkinson’s career…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Ex-Factor: How Leon Jackson Ended Reality TV Singing

simon_cowell.jpgLEON Jackson is the nation’s “newest star”. So says the Mirror of the winner of TV’s X Factor talent show.

The Sun says Jackson is a “character waiting to bust out of his shell”.

In “LEON: I’ll be the 2008 Caner of the Year,” the Sun’s Gordon Smart says Jackson drinks vodka and Redbull, is a “lager monster” and “has even sampled the devil’s brew Buckfast”.

The paper is banking on a drunken Jackson being more talented than his weepy sober pre-celebrity self. Jackson’s adventures with drink will make him a victim, and better able to be broken on the wheel of the tabloids. Given his singing style, we expect Jackson Hic-Ups Motown to be in the shops in time for Easter.

For now, the main story circling Jackson’s head is that he should not have won the show.

The Mail says 1,500 viewers have complained about the X Factor result. (*A study by the Anorak Foundation of Institutionalised X-Factor (AFIX) found that voters on TV phone votes are 26 times more likely to complain via the phone.)

Rhydian Roberts, the kind of act you see presenting Finland on Eurovision night, finished the show in second place. His supporters are complaining that phone lines were jammed and their votes unrecorded. The Mail’s Allison Pearson uses the full might of her column to talk of the “travesty” of Rhydian’s lost votes. How did he lose to the “tone-deaf” Jackson?

In the Star, Rhydian has “snubbed” the X Factor after show party. Readers hear the words “stitched up”, “fixed” and “pinch of salt”.

ITV counters the allegations by saying that Jackson won by a “10 per cent margin”. How many votes that is we aren’t told. It might be six, two or a hundred. If it were hundreds of thousands, ITV would most like tell us, bragging about it, even.

But they don’t. And the real story might not be that Leon Jackson is the latest karaoke singer to make it big, but that he will be the last…

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Lily Allen’s Baby Argos

lilyallen.gifENCOURAGING news from the world of celebrity where Lily Allen is pregnant.

Having almost exhausted ways to talk about Lily’s weight and health, and fearful of repeating puns based on her one big hit Smile, showbiz writers were searching for something new.

Lily could “hit out” at Noel Edmonds, as she has already hit out at Victoria Beckham, Courtney Love, the music industry, Libertines fans, Lindsay Lohan and more.

But now she is pregnant we can look forward to reading about Lily’s pregnancy, debating the merits of calling a boy Argos, deliberating Lily’s post-pregnancy weight and hearing her new song, Smile – Baby Blues mix…

At worst I feel bad for awhile/ But then I just smile…

Picture: The Spine 

Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Cher Tightens Chastity’s Belt

cher.jpgYOU can pick your friends. In Hollywood you can pick your teeth, your nose and even your buttocks.

And as Angelina Jolie and Madonna have shown, you can even pick your children.

But you cannot control how things will turn out. Teeth blacken. Hair plugs shrink. Children fill out.

And on first sight a person here at Anorak Towers did observe Cher’s statuesque daughter and opine “So that’s what she did with the spare bits”.

The Enquirer observes that Chastity weighs 23st 3lbs, “the same weight as the average female grizzly bear”, also called Chastity.

Says a source: “Cher loves Chas and wants to save her from digging her own grave with a knife and fork.”

We could say that the exercise would do her good. It would be no small thing to excavate an area large enough to encase the Cher offspring.

But we return to our original premise about celebrities picking things they hope best reflect them. And how not everything can be controlled…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Does Jessica Simpson Take It Like Beckham?

tony-romo-jessica-simpson.jpgDO American football fans chant? Reading in the Enquirer that Jessica Simpson is dating Dallas Cowboys’ player Tony Romo, we wonder what reception this romance gets in the stands?

Americans soccerists being reared on the sport by David Beckham may care to note that every one of his games for Manchester United began when his wife sat down.

Fine Beckham moves and passes were shot and re-shot on cameras, the floodlights dimmed and brightened to ensure David looked his best. When Beckham struck the ball, executing the Beckham Bend the crowd would blow on swannee whistles (pass), and slide trombones (shot).

Over in the US, we wonder if Jessica Simpson’s presence is not really well met or if she remains under the cosh of the proctologist’s eternal puzzler “Does she take it up the a**e?”…

Let us hope that the Beckham effect has tamed the barbarians…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Angelina Jolie Moulds Shiloh Into One Of Hollywood’s Leading Sados

shiloh-pitt-choc.jpgSHILOH Pitt can be seen sat on the arm of her mother, the lithesome Angelina Jolie. Both are on the cover of the National Enquirer.

More often, Shiloh can be seen sat at a corner table at Nobu Malibu, a restaurant nine out of ten Sons And Daughters of Stars (Sados) find easier to say than L’Orangerie or Spago (Suri Cruise can say all the names of LA’s leading restaurants in fifteen Earth languages).

You’d suppose wearing Armani Junior and eating miniature black cod with her homeys would give Shiloh all she needs. But the Enquirer says the girl may need more. She may need more love.

As the front-page headline asks: “DOES ANGELINA HATE HER OWN BABY?”

Says Jolie: “I felt so much more for Maddox and Pax because they are survivors and Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born”; she’s the “outcast in the family because she is so blonde and blue-eyed”.

Much shock and outrage. “What an emotional blow for Shiloh,” writes a fan.

A Dr Judy Kuriansky, a psychologist, says Angelina is “setting Shiloh up for deep psychological trauma”.

Such is the Jolie love for Shiloh. What chance do the rest of the Jolie-Pitts have of fitting in with Los Angeles society if only Shiloh is developing a psychosis? Dr Judy says Shiloh will be “consumed with insecurity” should Angelina adopt more children.

Bring them on, say we. Nothing makes for a better anecdote on a TV chatshow than a teenage life of angst and insecurity. Shiloh will thank her mother one day, and very possibly from the front page of the National Enquirer…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Work Out Who Was Missing From Danielle Lloyd’s Party

danielle-lloyd-jade-goody.jpgEVERYONE who was anyone and wanted to be there was at Danielle Lloyd’s birthday party, a Tarts and Pimps do “to celebrate her 24th year of sauciness”.

While Anorak readers wonder at how wrong it is call a two or three-year-old saucy, Danielle squashes on her birthday suit, with additional tailoring by Messer Nip ‘n’ Tuck and a black basque.

It has all the making of a terrific night. Danielle poses for pictures with three of her guests, the Star’s rent-a-crowd “THE goss” girls, Eeeny, Miney and Mo.

Danielle poses with her current footballer not once but TWICE. Danielle stands before five firemen who won a Daily Star competition.

Danielle’s mum is there. Her footballer’s mum is there. And also there is one of Danielle’s former footballers with a “brunette”.

Lest readers think that this is sum of Danielle’s pals, the Star makes mention of Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz Nikki Grahame.

All that remains is to join the THE goss girls in working out which celebrity “swerved the bash”. And, remember, Nikki Grahame is already there…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Victoria Beckham Is David’s Little Helper

victoria-beckham-elf.jpgVICTORIA Beckham and her David are very, very, very, very much in love. Okaaaay!

As 14 notes: “Posh Elf sinks her sharply spiked elf boots into the smooth firm soil atop the Great White Bulge to prevent it from rising whenever another elf wanders too close.

Although the Posh Elf has a strict policy of never sharing The Bulge with others, she does invite eager photographers to swing by and take photos of the awe-inspiring natural phenomenon.

She delights in dangling it in front of others while boasting and braying about its large size, “it’s a huge one…it’s like a tractor exhaust pipe.” The Great White Bulge isn’t as faithful as Yellowstone’s famous geyser, and this causes the Posh Elf to devote even more vigilance toward her guarding duties.

Pic and reporting: 14 

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Rihanna Gets Leathered For Amy Winehouse

amy-winehouse-3.jpgIT is the Seventh Rule of Celebrity that when one celeb is hogging the headlines all other celebrities should comment upon her. And here is the chanteuse Rihanna to offer her views on Amy Winehouse.

Says Rihanna, dressed in leather bondage gear: “I pray that she gets better soon as she’s a real star and beneath the surface I bet she’s hurting.”

The singer of the Umbrella song (“You can stand under my umbrella/ Ella ella eh eh eh”) may well get down on her knees of a night and pray that Winehouse find a solution to her troubles. She may hold a whip while assuming the position.

Rihanna wants to tell us that she has never taken drugs, and is thus unlikely to secure as much media attention as Winehouse.

But if some other singer does takes drugs, Rihanna will pull on a studded boob tube and tell us just what she thinks about it, once Lily Allen, has had her say, naturally…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Will Young Is A K***: An Anorak Reader Challenge

will-young-posters.jpgTHE Anorak likes to think of itself as well versed in the street vernacular. But the Mirror’s news on Will Young intrigues and challenges.

In “Young’s full of bad Will” the paper hears BBC Radio1 DJ Scott Mills accuse the singer of “committing one of showbiz’s cardinal sins”.

Did Will not show “’nuff respect” to a fellow artiste? In the course of a stage show did Young shout “I love you Bournemouth” when playing Bridlington? Or when challenged to offer his views on global warming and African debt did Will forgo the chance to repeat the popstar mantra about how bad and wrong it is and instead offer “I have no idea about any of it and think it best left to politicans to sort out”?

None of those. It is said that Young did fail to sign autographs for his young fans. Says Mills: “Will used to be a nice bloke. I don’t know who he’s been handing out with, but know he’s just a k***.”

Can you fill in the missing letters and tell us what Young is? K ***?

Answers to the usual address…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Wayne Rooney In Hello!

SAYS Wayne Rooney in Hello! magazine on the matter of his summer wedding to Coleen McLoughlin: “I wouldn’t invite people for the sake of it.”

Although Hello! might well invite its readers on Wayne’s behalf…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Hello! | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Michael Jackson And Jackson Five Reform

MICHAEL Jackson is to reform.

That opening line possesses a certain ambiguity. Better to say that Jackson has never committed any offence and has nothing to reform for.

His reforming is part of the greater coming together of the Jackson Five, of which Michael Jackson, in the face of considerable competition from his reworked brothers, remains the youngest.

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Waiting For Pamela Anderson’s Stolen Moments

pamela_anderson.jpg SOME tabloid stories repeat every day – Madeleine McCann, Princess Diana, immigrants give you cancer – whereas others come round once a year – Christmas cancelled, Anthea Turner’s comeback, Pamela Anderson to divorce, and the equally efficient Pamela Anderson to marry.

The Sun brings news that Anderson is divorcing hubby Rick Saloman after “just” 72 days of marriage.

The ex Baywatch babe, 40, cited “irreconcilable differences” in court papers.

It is a quick Hollywood marriage, for certain. But not the fastest, beaten by Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander (55 hours) and the marriage of Anderson’s fellow Baywatch floatation device Carmen Electra to Dennis Rodman. Although it sets a new record for Pammy, who divorced her husband Mr Kid Rock after 115 days.

The wonder now is if she can better 72 days, and should she try to?

On Thursday, Anderson wrote on her blog: “But no regrets — Just living such a huge dream….I’m blessed. So many options.”

For options read men. What is a girl to do. By our estimations, should Anderson live to be three score years and ten she will, at current rates, have time for over 150 husbands.
Of course, she only needs to muster 30 to secure the proscribed one divorce and one marriage per year.

Anything more would be a bonus…

(Watch out for the Anderson-Saloman stolen home movie coming to a box of tissues near you!)

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Shirley Bassey And Cilla Black’s Golden Oldies

blind-date.jpgFEW at Anorak Towers have recovered from seeing and hearing Cilla Black fake an orgasm on stage at the 2001 Royal Variety Performance.

Now the Mail brings news of Shirley Bassey’s 70th birthday (who among you thought she was older?) and among other stars from the Triassic age observes Black “dancing with a posse of tanned body-builders”.

Otherwise known as The Tarbucks, aka The Golden Oldies…

Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Pete Doherty To Run The London Marathon

pete-doherty.JPGWITH new celebrity Leon Jackson bedding in old celebrity Pete Doherty needs a new headline-making song, or failing that, a stunt.

So here’s news in the Mirror that Pete Doherty wants to run the London Marathon. Whether he will run or not is beside the point. It is that he should want to run that is newsworthy.

The Mirror says Doherty has already started jogging in preparation for next year’s gruelling 26-mile road race.

Says the Doherty camp: “There is some truth to this – you never know what could happen.”

We don’t know but we have a rough idea, given that Doherty’s career to date has been a varied as a Gregorian chant.

The real fear is that Doherty will turn to running and do too well, revealing a commitment to speed that his drugs history demands.

As such, marathon champion Doherty may find himself drugs tested and his run rendered null and voice when his blood samples are found to contain more than the usual builders’ dust, burnt kebab and coffee fumes most Londoners inhale.

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Joss Stone’s Flake Is A Fudge

fudge.jpgJOSS Stone, she of the mid-Atlantic drawl, will advertise Cadbury’s Flakes because, as the Cadbury spokesman tells the Express, “she reflects the Flakes girl’s attitude to life”.

The Flake is now the tenth most popular selling confectionary in the UK. Cadbury Dairy Milk remains the best-selling chocolate in Britain. You may have seen the advert for it where Phil Collins plays the drum in the nude.

True enough, the thought of Collins simulating oral sex on a stick of flaky chocolate will appeal to a niche demographic, and it might be that no celebrity can be all things (surely, Allsorts) to all confectionary bars.

But should we congratulate Stone or offer our sympathies? Did her agent take a risk when he knocked back the Finger of Fudge deal? And had he accepted, what would it have said about Stone’s “Attitude to life”?

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Smell Of Success: Inhaling Jordan, Britney And Kate Moss

david-beckham-perfume.jpg“JORDAN SCENTS XMAS VICTORY,” says the Star. “Top 10 Celeb Pongs.”

According to official figures, Stunning by Katie Price is the top celebrity bottled smell. Each morning a team of parfumiers scrape Jordan’s bedding and dispense the contents into a two nipple-shaped jugs. It is then passed through a sieve.

Boasting top notes of orange blossom, orange tango and orange Opal Fruits, laid over a bed of warm hammock with base notes of damp horse and acorn, this tart and heady concoction demands respect.

Jordan’s smell outsells Curious by Britney Spears, Kate Moss by Kate Moss, Kelly Brook by Kelly Brook and Intimately his ‘n’ hers by the Beckhams.

These are the smells previously known only to the people closest to the celebrities, now made available to one and all.

The key difference is that the purchased smell is only borrowed and will last only until your next wash, whereas David Beckham really does smell of the “intense freshness and sparkle of bergamot, tangy grapefruit zest and zingy cardamom” overlaid by “a virile blend of nutmeg and star anise” and “finishing down with warm sensual undertones of sandalwood, patchouli and amber”.

And knowing Jordan is to fall head first into a bowl of mandarins…

Picture: 14

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Exclusive Factor: The Real Leon Jackson

kylie-leon-x-factor.jpgLEON Jackson can carry a tune as well as any department store lift. And by rights he is now a bona fide celebrity, adding his weight to the country’s celebrity mountain.

Right now Jackson is at the top of the pile, backside sat on Kerry Katona, one toe in Marc Bannerman’s eye, an elbow shoved in Anthea Turner’s folds.

These are the glory days. In time, Leon will pull on a fleece-lined anorak and scream “Hello, Bridlington, I love you. It’s great to be back for another summer”, meet Gordon Brown and try his hand at TV presenting on a Saturday morning cookery show.

For now though, Leon must do as all winners atop the celebrity heap do and tell us about Leon. “I’ve had bras thrown at me and the pants and it’s really flattering,” says Jackson.

And in the Mirror’s X Factor “EXCLUSIVE”: “But just now I need to focus on music…I don’t think I’m going to get distracted with a lady companion at the moment.”

In the Sun’s “X FACTOR EXCLUSIVE”, Leon says “now bring on the girl groupies.”

In time we will get to experience the real Leon, possibly on Celebrity Masterchef or Love Island. But for now we are confused…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Amy Winehouse At Six And Seven

AMY Winehouse drinks a cocktail at 6:00am. “SAD,” says the Mirror.

At 6.26 am, Amy Winehouse “leans head on hand”.

“MISERABLE,” says the Mirror.

“At 6:45 am, Amy Winehouse is “buying newspapers and supplies”.

“SHOPPING,” says the Mirror.”

At 7am, the Mirror’s SAD and MISERABLE, and COLD photographer sells his pictures to anyone SHOPPING for shots of Winehouse buying a milk and a copy of the Daily Star…

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Jimmy Savile Row: Sir Jimmy’s Tips On Girls And Suits

jimmy-savile.jpgSIR Jimmy Savile OBE, as he must be known, appears in a string vest, Stoke Mandeville bring-and-buy sale shell suit and hair like spun toffee.

Sir Jimmy appears in the Daily Sport, sandwiched between news of a teacher caught having sex with a teenager and the question “WHO’LL BE FIRST TO LAY LEON?”, an insight into the glamour model betting syndicate’s sweep on Celebrity X Factor winner Leon Jackson.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted: 17th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Amy Winehouse Leads Pop’s Nostalgia Tribute For Tupac Shakur And Leon Jackson

amy-winehouse-3.jpgAMY Winehouse “jail hell,” says the News of the World.

It’s a good career move. Short of a stint on a reality TV show judge, shaving her head or an untimely death – the NOTW says Winehouse has vowed “SUICIDE” if jailed for abetting her husband in an alleged £200,000 plot to fix his assault trial – jail is very much the go.

The paper says Winehouse “could face LIFE in jail if cops link her to the suspected conspiracy to clear husband Blake Fielder-Civil on a GBH charge”. Of course, LIFE for Winehouse will mean DEATH”. “Amy, however, is now one step even closer to the brink,” says the paper. She was ever edgy.

Life In Death

Neither life not death will do her earnings much harm. Forbes magazine’s “Top-earning dead celebrities” lists for 2007, featured Elvis Presley (No. 1) singer-songwriter John Lennon (2), former Beatle George Harrison at (4), Tupac Shakur (8) soul singer James Brown (11) and reggae star Bob Marley (12).

On the London Underground, there are adverts for new releases from the legendary hip hop figure Tupac Shakur, whose face also illuminates the night sky on Times Square (43rd and Broadway) at the Southwest corner of Times Square.

Despite being at rest since 1996, Tupac’s new album features new material and remixes of old material. Tupac produces and reproduces. Nothing prevents writer’s block like death.

This latest Winehouse news, of course, comes one day after Leon Jackson became the latest reality TV product when he won TV’s X Factor talent show.

Liam and his vanquished opponents behaved impeccably well. No pinching. No spitting. No vows of vengeance and screams “fix!”. Liam looked genuinely tired and emotional as his shoulders slumped and the tears rolled from his eyes.

Leon adds his name to a lengthening line of nice reality people – stuttering Gareth Gates, jump-jawed Will Young, musakal Hear’Say.

The result has been a beige chorus of cover versions and invitations to clap the star because, well, he’s a nice lad, she’s a nice girl and you liked their new single when you first heard in 1982.

Pop’s Politicos

The alternative to the nice boys and girls are the likes of Mr G9 (Bono – “I represent a lot of people [in Africa] who have no voice at all…”) Bob Geldof and Elton John who implore us to be better people and do the right thing for the planet.

Meanwhile, away from reality and elitist old pop stars preparing legacies like departing politicians, we get Winehouse and Pete Doherty, singers who understand that the music is always second to the drugs, the drink and the drama.

Amid all the remixes of old songs and the reinvigorating of old and dead acts, Winehouse gives us the true taste of nostalgia, when popstars behaved properly.

Anorak favourite badly behaved popstars:

Chuck Berry – Berry was sentenced to three years in jail in 1961 for transporting a 14-year-old prostitute across state lines for “immoral purposes”. In 1994 he was sued by 60 women for, allegedly, filming them in the bathroom of his Southern Air restaurant in Wentzville, Missouri. To protect himself from allegations of rape he insisted female fans strip and smile for pictures with him before he’d have sex with them

Lee “Scratch” Perry – The reggae great was sighted walking backward and worshiping bananas. In 1980, he burned his studio down. He has placed a curse on the BBC which will only lapse when play his records around the clock.

Brian Wilson – Upon meeting some youths backstage in 1970, Beach Boy Wilson introduced himself with a cheery “I’m Brian”. Came the reply: “We know. We’re your children”…

Posted: 16th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Paris Hilton: Fait Nos Une Pipe Dance

paris-hilton-card.jpgPARIS Hilton is the Sun’s “Party girl Paris burns up Berlin”.

The Sun’s showbiz writer Gordon Smart might be dressed like a provincial estate agent (pink tie, light grey suit) but in spite of appearances he is a professional writer. It was he who told us: “I PROMISED not to feature people of limited talent on my page unless they met a set of strict criteria.”

So here’s Paris Hilton managing to “fit in a spot of raunchy dancing at one of the city’s nightspots”.

You want talent? You can’t handle the talent.

“Not content with cutting her moves on dancefloor, chairs and tables, Paris moved things up a notch by swinging from the ceiling pipes.”

And so what at first glance looked like another lazy Paris Hilton filler, the literary equivalent of eating a salty and nutritionless crisp (says Smart: “Wearing a tiny dress, she gave clubbers below a real eyeful), turns out to be the moment a trend began.

Forget lap-dancing. Wave adieu to pole dancing. This is pipe dancing. And it is set to be all the rage. Remember, you read it in here first…

Picture: 14

Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

David Beckham’s Hung Like a Tractor

tractor.jpgSAYS Victoria Beckham: “I’m proud I still have a really good sex life with David. He is very much in proportion.”

In proportion to what is unspecified – his talent, his fame, his brand, his wife? Says Vicky, in the Sun: “He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his.”

The advert is the one debated earlier in the week. And in truth, you cannot tell what is and is not Beckham’s; even the underpants that cover Little Becks carry the name tag “Armani”.

But this is talk of Beckham’s genitals is not all that pleasant. Many did look at the picture of Beckham in his Y-fronts and think “penis” or some word to that affect, but it is something best left alone.

Says Her Poshness, poshly: “It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!” Covered in mud and spewing out noxious substances? Who would want to get into bed with the outflow pipe from a piece of farm machinery? And since when did Her Poshenss become au fait with farms – has she been consorting with Rebecca Loos, pig tosser of repute?

Vicky continues: “I love sex. It is very important. I don’t need to take my whip home. I already have one there.”

Well, if he won’t come willingly…

Posted: 15th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

The Tenth Rule Of Celebrity With Guest Star Kerry Katona

kerry_quest_big.jpgTHE Tenth Rule Of Celebrity dictates that a drama occurring to persons famous should be met by comment from other famous persons, chiefly in shows of support and empathy.

And even if an unfortunate event happens to non-famous persons, should the scale be grand enough they will form a coven and call it a telethon. Smaller scale events garner a Heart of Gold.

And here is Kerry Katona, mother, supermarket own-brand ketchup fan and jungle lettuce shaker to give her views on a recent disaster.

Having read in the papers that Alex Curran, Wag to Steve Gerrard’s England footballer, has been affected by a burglary to her home, Kerry responds in a way that shows her as a victim, friend, empathiser and champion. And above all a celebrity.

Not too long ago Kerry’s home was burgled. “Kerry says she suffered a “flash back of panic” when she heard how Curran had been treated, trills the Star. Kerry “froze in horror”. Kerry is the real victim here.

“I know what you’re going through,” says Kerry. Empathy.

“What happened to me was the worst experience of my life, but I’ve managed to get through it.” Strength. “You will to.” Support.

Alex Curran’s views are not given…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0

Spice Girls Make A Stand For Women

spicegirls.jpgAN injury to a Spice Girl.

“Zig a zig aarrrgh!” exclaims the Mirror. “Hop right now,” says the Sun, for reasons esoteric.

“Limping in for the UK tour, Crocked Spice,” reports the Mail, sticking to the tried-and-tested policy of called anything something… Spice – see Pregnant Spice, Married Spice, Divorced Spice, Skeletal Spice, Old Spice and so on…

News that Baby Spice, aka Emma Bunton, has hurt her leg while performing in Las Vegas is well covered. But what reasons for the injury are hardly touched upon.

There is no cause to believe Baby Spice is faking an injury. But she is ever the show person, and what if at the moment of greatest pain she tosses down her crutches and to the cry “Yes, Victoria, I do believe you are talented. I believe!” walks again?

Of course, it is probably just a clever comment on the plight of women in Sudan. Such is the feminist oeuvre of the Spice Movement…

Posted: 14th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0