Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 368

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Hello! Magazine

liza_minelli_wedding.jpgHELLO! magazine celebrates its 1,000 issue. “HAPPY 1,000,” it says to itself a little self-indulgently.

We can forgive the magazine slapping itself on the back. When you reach 1,000 you are liable to talk to yourself and repeat things you’ve said 1,000 times before.

Anorak has been reading Hello! since the first issue and today brings you Ten Things You Never Knew about the magazine:

10: The 1,000th issue promises a retrospective on “UNFORGETTABLE COVERS” but fails to include the picture of Liza Minnelli and David Gest’s wedding in 2002. Anorak recalls the happy couple stood alongside Elizabeth Taylor, and best man Michael Jackson. Hello! forgets. But we cannot

9. The wedding of Liza Minnelli and David Gest was held at Madame Tussaud’s, and, indeed, it was only when Jackson sneezed that guessed realised they had been showering the wax look-alikes with rice and confetti and not the real flesh and bone persons. Mr Jackson’s noses are believed to have become switched in the confusion.

8. The Minnelli-Gest coupling was not to last. It was Gest who told us his wife had beat him. “You see I had terrible concussion from when I was in England and Liza was drunk. I’d picked her up and lifted her over my head, and because she’s so violent when she’s drunk, she hit the back of my head, bang, bang, 20 times. I pulled her down and she hit me again 20 times. Then four weeks later in Hawaii, my head exploded.”

7. Gest later told us: “Did you know I’m kind of an unofficial mascot at Arsenal? I love hearing the fans screaming, ‘Gesty! Go, Gesty!”

6. Gest was appearing in the I’m A Celebrity jungle. Minnelli was heard to utter: “I hope David Gest gets “f*****d by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs.” Ant ‘n’ Dec said it was too late for any news games and thanked Minnelli for her input.

5. The Minnelli-Gest uncoupling was not an isolated incident but part of the greater Curse of Hello!. One example was provided by the model Helena Christensen who offered: “Michael [Hutchence] and I love each other and, although we both have to travel a lot, we have a very steady relationship . . .” The statement of love was punctuated by an official missive: “Michael Hutchence and Helena Christensen have announced today they . . . will be spending time apart.”

Chris Hutchins, the gossip writer for the now defunct Today newspaper, opined: “It looks as if famous people who are about to split up first call their press agents and say `fix us a spread in Hello!’. It’s uncanny.”

4. 1,715 of the individuals featured on the cover have suffered “verifiable misfortunes” after appearing in Hello!. Footballers have had the worst luck (78%), followed by soap actresses (64%), reality TV stars (51%), boyband singers (41%) and marine biologists (1%).

3. No celebrity has ever burped, farted, sworn, or looked anything less than “stunning”. “It’s unbelievable,” says one former Hello! contributor. “Once, a reference to ‘light perspiration’ on the brow of a celebrity interviewee was deleted from a story and the entire print run pulped.

2. Says an insider: “In my day, if we had gone off to a celebrity interview and come back without a news story, we’d have been killed.”

1. When Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes is was declared the “Wedding of the Century”. There have been seven such weddings, five “weddings of the decade” (including two on the one day) and 23 “weddings of the year”.

* Anorak is aware that Minnelli and Gest sold the exclusive rights to their wedding to OK! magazine, just as Catherine Zeta- Jones and Michael Douglas had done…

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Hello! | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Missing: Naomi Campbell’s Mobile Phone

naomilo_1.jpgANYONE see Naomi Campbell’s crystal-encrusted BlackBerry phone? You can’t miss it. Or, rather, it can’t miss you.

Ms Campbell has a difficult relationship with phones, as one Ana Scolavino has testified.

Indeed it was Campbell who said: “I pleaded guilty to a misdemeanour in court today. That’s the best way I know to say I’m sorry to Ana. I accepted responsibility and I’m prepared to take my punishment. But I’m not going to let this incident define me.”

But can Campbell move on, or be allowed to? The Mirror says she has lost her mobile, or lost without it?

We journey to the backstage party after Led Zeppelin’s reunion gig, and Campbell is looking for her phone.

“As soon as she realised her stuff was missing she started screaming and shouting and wildly pointing in the direction where Grohl was sitting, screeching, ‘Have they got it, have they got it.’”

Grohl is Dave Grohl, frontman of the Foo Fighters band. And this is his cue to produce the phone and with the cricketing cry “Catch It!” throw it hard but fairly in Campbell’s direction. But no. The phone remains missing.

So who has the phone? And, no less vitally, who has the number kept thereon. The phone is said to contain the numbers of Campbell’s “A-list pals” – Nelson Mandela, P Diddy, Kate Moss and Beyonce.

Campbell should not worry, of course. As anyone who has lost a phone knows, you just need to sit back and wait for your close and personal friends to call you and then harvest their numbers.

Although getting the number for Naomi’s beloved Spud U eatery and the Daily Mirror’s offices may require some research…

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Hillary Swank’s Vitamin Pills

miranda1.jpgSAYS actress Hillary Swank in W magazine: “I just took my most important ones, which are my Oz Garcia Longevity Pak.

“I shoved them in my mouth right before I met you, which I actually shouldn’t do, because I choked on my vitamins once before.”

Swank takes 45 vitamins a day.

In such ways trends begin.

When Clark Gable smoked, sales of cigarettes escalted. It is thanks to Carmen Miranda that we eat five pieces of fruit a day…

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jodie Foster’s Secret Is Out

jodi-foster.jpgJODIE Foster is a lesbian.

We can say this without fear of being wrong because in “Hollywood’s worst-kept secret is out” the Mail delivers the facts.

The Mirror announces “JODIE IS OPUIT”, and also believes it to have been “Hollywood’s worst-kept secret”.

Anorak wonders when a “worst kept secret” is no longer a secret. A secret is something that is kept secret. When it is not kept secret it is no longer a secret. You cannot have a secret that is badly kept.

Better perhaps if the tabloids investigated the best-kept secrets, especially that one abut Jordan sleeping on her back…

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Beckham Shocks The Daily Mail Twice

becksarmani.jpgDAVID Beckham decision to move into gay porn and secure the key gay porn market has been met by professional comment.

Today the Mail’s Amanda Platell offers: “Greedy, vulgar, tacky. Beckham is narcissism made flesh… and icon for an age in which fame and fortune is all.”

For purposes of research and record the article is equipped with a half-page picture of Beckham in his under garments.

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (8) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Goal Power: Germaine Greer On Victoria Beckham

SAYS Germaine Greer: “We had a whole generation of girls who discovered that power was cool because of the Spice Girls.”

The Mail listens in. “My generation wouldn’t have known what power was. They thought it was something you squirted under the rim of the toilet.”

Says Victoria Beckham to CNN’s Larry King, as overheard by the Mirror: “They [the Posh sons] actually put me in goal and they just kick footballs at me.”

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Prince And Myself: Jade Goody Meets Prince Azim Of Brunei

jade-azim.jpgJADE Goody has met with Prince Azim of Brunei. Or make that Jaded Baddy has met with dark-skinned Asian.

Says Ms Goody in the Mail: “I have become quite friendly with the Prince of Brunei. He wanted to meet me, we got on like a house on fire. He gave me a ring and it’s huge, full of diamonds.”

The Mail looks at the ring, wrapped about his Goody’s finger like a strip of foil on a Sunday joint, and estimates its value at £3million.

In return for his, the prince wants to hang out with Jade, a woman to whom he bears an uncanny physical resemblance.

Right now genealogists and hunting for a line that traces Goody to an opulent palace in Brunei, or indeed Azim to a converted barn in rurban Essex.

But what if Azim is meeting Jade for purposes of research, a case of the Prince And I, as Jade teaches the young Eastern royal the ways of the West?

Jade is the epitome of the British way of life, versed in such esoteric arts as curry sauce dispensing, knowing the difference between a “minger” and a “munter” and how to work the word “fuck” into any sentence (“Fuckin’ right, you minger”) or indeed amid a single word (“Poppa-fuckin’-dom”).

Says Prince Azim: “At the end of the day, she’s not up her arse, like them overs, and me and me mates fink she’s O- fuckin’–k…”

Posted: 12th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Would Rather Not Go Naked

olsens.jpgPETA has created a website and MySpace site to rubbish The Olsen twins.

Dubbed “The Trollsens”, Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen have committed the crime of wearing real fur.

Says Peta: “No one would argue that Mary-Kate and Ashley could use some meat on their bones, but the last thing they need is hair on their backs.”

The MySpace site trills: ” Hi, we’re Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, and like most trolls, we live under a bridge and wait for furry animals to walk by so we can skin them and wear them as hats. Because we’re celebrities, we don’t have to live by the same rules that ugly people like you do, and if we want to wrap ourselves up in someone else’s skin, or drape our bodies in the rotting remains of thetrollsens.jpgsomeone’s family, we totally can! And boy, do we ever.”

Use celebrities to  criticise celebrities…

And Pete should note that you don’t have to be celebrity to wear fur.

But you have to be a celebrity to tell the world that you’d rather go naked than wear fur in a Peta advert…

Lead picture: 14 

Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Tired And Emotional Alan Davies Reaches Out To Homeless

“JONATHAN Creek chomped my ear,” says the Mirror. “CLASH!” “BITE!”

The truth is little less shocking as reader learn that Alan Davies, who plays Jonathan Creek on the telly, bit into the ear of one Paul McElfatrick, described as “jobless” and “homeless”.

The Mirror looks on and notes that Davies bit the man’s ear for full 13 seconds.

The build up to this celebrity eats man sensation follows hereunder. Mr Davies does all his own stunts.

The Scene: a pavement outside the Groucho club, London

Paul (Jimmy Nail): “Creek, Mr Creek…”
Davies (himself, approaching): “My name’s Alan. You know my name – Alan. What’s my name? It’s Alan.”

Alan – for that is his name – lunges forward and takes hold of Paul’s ear with his teeth.

Paul: “I’ve seen Alan on TV and he seems so mild mannered. He’s a bit of a mummy’s boy really with his sheepish grin and silly jokes. So when I felt his teeth around my ear I couldn’t believe it… You’d think an educated millionaire like him would have more decency.”

Onlooker: “Groucho guest usually know how to behave with more decorum.”

Davies: “I was very upset and emotional”.

And in keeping with Groucho club regulars, one would argue “tired”.

“The last thing I want is another negative story about ‘that obnoxious Jonathan Creek star.”

Indeed. So how about “Tired and Emotional Alan Sticks Tongue In Tramp’s Ear While Researching New Role As Celebrity Spokesman for Shelter”?

Better?

Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Suspend It Like David Beckham

DAVID BECKHAM appears on the Sun’s front page. Beckham fans are invited to dribble.

“Swollenballs,” says the headline, the shot of Beckham in his white underwear affords the Sun the chance to adapt his Goldenballs legend, although the paper offers no take on the “Bend It Like Beckham” franchise.

“Boldenballs,” says the Mirror. And it does garner the gay opinion, inviting the editor of Gay Times to say: “It’s nice to see Beckham putting his big goldenballs forward.”

The paper’s Sue Carroll (OLDENBALLS) provides “THE FEMALE VERDICT”, saying “David Beckham makes Linford Christi’s legendary lunchbox look like a bite-sized snack”. Although the paper’s fashion editor concludes that “it’s all about the packaging” (HIDDENBALLS).

Back in the Sun, the BBC’s football pundit Adrian Childs (FORBIDDENBALLS) wonders why Beckham would says “yes” to one of his brand managers musing: “Armani wants you to do a picture wearing tight white pants with your legs as wide open as the holes in England’s defence”.

Childs is right. Had only Beckham thought about it he could have used the advert to model his revolutionary new scented Flecks washing powder, which washes whites on a cold wash (COLDENBALLS), leaving them crease free (FOLDENBALLS) and more…

Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Blonde Map of Europe: Princess Diana, Madeleine McCann, Britney Spears, Heather Mills

blondes.jpgTHE Blonde Map of Europe: Princess Diana, Madeleine McCann, Britney Spears, Heather Mills and Anne Darwin: “According to this map – and if you really believe that blondes have less brains –a nasty fall like that is more likely to happen in the central parts of Norway, Sweden and Finland, where at least 80% of the population is fair-haired, the highest figure in all of Europe.”

Blondes hog the front pages.

This map, indicating the varying degrees of ‘blondness’ in Europe, shows how fair hair gets rarer further away from this core area – towards the south, as one intuitively might presume, but also towards the east, west and even towards the north.

The consecutive bands (coloured in such a way as to approximately represent the ‘average’ hair colour in each area) surrounding the core blonde area in Scandinavia in most cases don’t correspond with national boundaries, but could be taken to represent certain degrees of ethnic variation, often with a possible historical explanation.

Do the tabloids publish in Norwegian?

Posted: 11th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Is Karl Lagerfeld’s Fashion Line

amy-winehouse-erin.jpgHAVING heard Amy Winehouse’s mum have a quiet word with her daughter via the pages of the News of the World, it is now the turn to Amy’s father Mitch to speak out.

While “Ma” administers an intravenous “steaming bowl of chicken soup” dad takes a tougher line, as his “cabbie” status demands.

“It’s absolute rubbish to suggest that no one has been in touch with Amy,” says he in the Mirror. “I’ve seen her five times myself last week.”

Mirror readers used to seeing Winehouse every day without fail shake their heads. Seven days in a week, Mitch. Seven beats five.

Says Mitch: “We’re getting sick of the sight of each other, we’re seeing each other that much. Amy is monitored all the time.”

Indeed she is. The Sun monitors Amy as she battles “drug addiction, bulimia and a jailed hubby”.

What’s My Line?

We stare. But what else can be done to help her? We’ve tried the gentle and the strong. What about praise, appealing to the Winehouse ego? Reading on in the Sun, readers note that designer Karl Lagerfeld has claimed Winehouse as his “muse”.

High fashion’s grande dame compares Amy to Sixties sex symbol Bridgette Bardot. Those who have seen Bardot may consider the comparison unflattering and unhelpful.

But keep it to yourself. This is praise, a way to boost Amy’s confidence and negate the need for any narcotic props.

Says Lagerfeld: “She is a beautiful, gifted artist. And I like very much her hairdo.”
That do?

It might be enough. Winehouse may yet make it as a model – if she can only suck in her cheeks and lose some weight…

Pic: 14

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Perez Hilton On Perez Hilton

PEREZ Hilton – celebrity blogger gone native – is talking about his favouite thing: Perez Hilton:

“Why do I think I’m so popular?” He stifles a yawn, teetering backwards in his chair like a truculent schoolboy.

“Well, I think a few different things have helped. The fact that I was one of the first celebrity news bloggers; the fact that I work really hard, because the more content I have each day, the more traffic I get. I start at four in the morning and I work 16 to 17 hours straight, updating the website around 25 times a day.”

On his celebrity status, he says, “I don’t think my own fame prevents me from doing my job. When I go to parties, people recognise me and that’s another tool in my bag of tricks. On the website, I’m not afraid to say what I think; I’m an individual, I’m subjective, I’m not some big corporate machine and people can relate to that. I would describe myself as an entertainer who likes to inform – a sort of info-tainer.”

Perez Hilton is a celebrity…

Source

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


More Celebrities To The Pound In The Daily Telegraph

rachelweiss.jpgNO one could ever accuse the Daily Telegraph of short-changing its readers when it comes to pictures of young women with prominent cleavages.

In fact, when the day comes for the paper to raise its cover price to 100 pence, we suggest it incorporate a pair of firm breasts into its masthead, and adopts the slogan: “You DO get many of those to the pound.”

Today’s edition deserves some kind of award for a masterstroke of inventive picture editing.

Carol Platt Liebau (described as a “female academic”) will be delighted that the Telegraph has chosen to report the publication of her new book, Prude: How The Sex-Obsessed Culture Damages Girls.

The author is the managing editor of the Harvard Law Review, and she is critical of society’s “emphasis on sexiness, revealing fashions and the over-valuing of physical appeal”.

Sounds a bit complicated to us. Is there a simpler way of explaining it?

Fortunately, yes. The picture editors have helpfully selected two images that illustrate the point perfectly, and they are reproduced at twice the size of the article itself.

One picture is of Christina Aguilera, the other of Rachel Weisz. Both women are practiced exponents of the art of décolletage, and the photographic plates do full justice to both ladies.

Female readers seeking to develop their own frontal presentation skills are directed to the story immediately below, which is all about bras.

That’s the thing about broadsheets – they’ve got the space to really get to grips with a subject.

Two cracking stories on one page – or, if you prefer, a nice pair.

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Broadsheets, Celebrities | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Boom And Bust: Aguilera, Lopez And Berry Get This Season’s Look

jennifer-lopez-1.gif“CELEBRITY baby boom,” announces the front-page of first magazine – “first for being first!”.

There are pictures of actresses Cate Blanchett and Halle Berry, and chanteuse Christina Aguilera. But three celebrities being pregnant at one time does not a boom make, so there’s also a photo of one “Laura Bailey”.

Bailey’s presence makes the number up to four, which is a bona fide boom. (Whether Bailey is a bona fide celebrity is more contentious.)

Says first: “It is an accessory that has become almost as desirable as the latest Chanel handbag” – albeit much smaller. “Nothing is more fashionable at the moment…than a baby bump.”

Readers concerned at looking out of fashion and dated in last season’s non-pregnant look can employ Anorak’s new range of Comfi-Tum pants or take to drinking large amount of pale ale at lunch times…

Picture: Hack Jennifer Lopez, also pregnant. You heard it here first!

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Angelina Jolie Sees Las Vegas Man Badly Beaten

hatton.jpgA MAN lies on the ground. His face is bruised and bloodied. His eyes shut. He is British. It is Saturday night in Las Vegas.

And the impression is that the City of Sin is a tanned version of Blackpool at chucking out time.

The Mirror looks on. It sees witnesses.

In the “THE FIGHT CLUB” readers see Bruce Willis (“HAT”), Tiger Woods, Sly Stallone, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and David Beckham.

Did they see anything?

“For he’s a Jolie good fellow”, says the Sun’s headline. It’s today’s Angelina Jolie story.

“You are a hero,” says Jolie to the man who lies prone of the floor. “She is a mere 20ft from the spot where the Briton lies.” So too is Brad Pitt, as aforementioned.

Says a source: “He crashed down right in front of them and Angelina grimaced… She seemed genuinely affected by what she’d seen…”

The stricken Briton’s mother, identified as Carole, sips neat vodka she’s poured into a water bottle. She is anxious.

Finally, the man comes to. “What the f***** hell happened?” he asks.

Why, you’ve just met Angelina Jolie. And don’t worry that you can’t remember the moment – the Sun and Mirror have plenty of pictures…

Posted: 10th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Juilette Lewis On Brad Pitt’s Trend-Setting ‘Little Brad’

brad_pitt_.jpgTHE National Enquirer’s Mike Walker spots Juilette Lewis, former love to Brad Pitt.

Says she: “After playing a rockin’ set with her band at club Chop Suey in Seattle… Juliette Lewis – who was hot ‘n heavy with hunky Brad Pitt back in the Stoned Age – was mingling at the bar when a wise guy fan blurted out: “Hey, Juliette, how was Brad Pitt in the sack anyway?”

Replies Lewis: “He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!”

“As Juliette turned to head back on stage, the guy yelled: ‘Are you saying Brad was the PITTS?’ Juliette started laughing so hysterically she banged into a table and sent everyone’s drinks flying – but quickly ordered a round on her and hopped back onstage, still giggling.'”

It’s a charming tableau. And of course it makes us wonder if Brad, often billed as “cute”, can be cute if he is overly big. Cute is small, so too “loveable”.

And it leads to other issues. Does Brad laugh it off or say that he last saw Lewis on a cold day in November and it will be a colder day in hell when he sees her again? Do we view the Brad penis from above (perilous) or the front?

And will Brad feel an urge for an augmentation procedure, setting a trend that all men will follow? Will he go for the “Schwarzenegger”, the “Clooney” or the ironic “Lewis”?

Anorak is aware that such things are in poor taste, but Hollywood sets the standards that we follow tomorrow, or a few years later if you live in Suffolk. Remember when Marlon Brando wore a sweaty T-shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire (sales up) and Clark Gable took his shirt off in Frank Capra’s 1934 film It Happened One Night (sales down)..?

Watch this space…

Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (6) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse’s Mum Writes Her A Letter And Posts It In The Tabloids

AMY Winehouse. Can you hear me, it’s mum?

“Dear Amy,

“I HOPE you understand why I’m writing this. We have spoken recently but many people will wonder why I haven’t run down to whatever hotel you’re staying in, scooped you up and taken you home for a hot bath and a steaming bowl of chicken soup.”

Is this beyond paropdy? The full letter, as delivered via the News of the World:

amy-winehouse-14.jpgIt’s because your father and I know what you’re like, Amy.

We want to help you, but we know that unless you want to be helped— unless you come to us—anything we tried would be in vain.

So this letter is my way of making sure that you know that—that all you have to do is come to us, Amy, and we’ll do everything in our power to get you well again.

After all, you are still my baby and you always will be.

I pile hope upon hope that you will make that decision, Amy, and your strong will can bend for just a moment to make that decision and come home to me.
Strong

Even when you were only a rosy-cheeked five-year-old singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror, you had a will as stubborn as a mule. Do you remember?

We couldn’t ever get you to see things from any angle other than your own. You could swear day was night and Heaven help anyone who tried to disagree.

You were never a wayward daughter but you always had a strong will and a mind of your own—qualities your father and I were so proud of.

You were well brought up, you had a keen sense of right from wrong and you understood the values we always impressed on you as a family.

But you would never be pressurised or influenced into doing something if your heart wasn’t in it.

I know there’s no point in me ringing you, fussing over you or ordering you to do something. I need you to take that first step, darling. I need you to call me, to pick up that phone and tell me what’s troubling you.

Your father and I would like nothing more—wherever you are, whatever you need, we’re here for you day and night. I hope you know that. We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you earlier this week, wandering the freezing streets of London at dawn in your underwear. All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket.

Do you remember those Decembers long ago when I used to swaddle you in a thick winter coat? I used to wrap you up and give you a kiss on the nose before you went out to play in the cold.

“Don’t worry about me Ma, I’ll be fine!” you used to laugh. But, like any mother, of course I worried. Just as I’m worrying now.

Because I know that however big, grown-up and successful my Amy gets, she still needs the love of her Ma.

Do you remember on January 14 this year, when your album got to number one? Do you remember how overjoyed your father and I both were? We shed tears of joy for you that night.

And not just because we were delighted for your success, that you had finally fulfilled that childhood dream of singing your heart out in front of millions. But also because finally, the whole country thought our little girl was just as special as we knew you were.

Some wonderful things have happened since that night, darling, but also some not so wonderful. Blake, your husband, might not be my favourite person—you know that, Amy—but he’s your choice and I would never say anything about him to hurt you.

When I was quoted recently as saying “Thank God Blake’s inside” what I meant was that putting him in jail might help him to clean up HIS act and change HIS life.

It wasn’t said out of viciousness or to upset you. If your relationship is meant to be, it will survive.

I’m a great believer that everything in life happens for a reason, a purpose. And if you two are destined to be together forever, then so be it.
Click here for more pics of Amy

But I want you to love Blake for who he is, Amy. Not because you feel sorry for him, or because he can get you doped up. Not for any other reason than that you have respect for him.

I completely understand and sympathise with how you feel heartbroken over your separation and I’d do anything to help you end that unhappiness.

No mother likes to see her child suffering like that.

Having to cancel your tour, as well, has been very sad. But I know it’s happened for the best.

Despite disappointing all of your fans, who I know you treasure so much, maybe it will pull you up and make you stop and think and take stock of where your life is going.

I pray it does. I hope it makes you realise that although you might be a superstar, you’re not superwoman.

Early fame has overwhelmed you, it’s dizzied you and muddled your mind. For a moment, forget you’re a superstar. You’re also young and vulnerable. Remember you’re just an ordinary human being, no stronger than any of the rest of us. You think you’re strong enough to get through this on your own, darling, but you’re not.

I want you back, and I’ll make you fitter and stronger. I’d like nothing better than to have you home and help you put on a bit of weight with some wholesome home cooking.

You’re at your happiest in family situations, I remember. It’s part of that strong Jewish tradition you were raised in. Remember how you spent time with my sister before the gig in Newcastle the other week? You felt comfortable and at ease. That’s how I know family is important to you.
Destiny

But I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to. You have to want it to happen darling, you have to ask for it.

Me and your father, and your brother Alex all want you to be happy and quickly restored to full health. For the moment, that’s all of our priorities.

We are concerned, but we’re not panicking. You’ve got to see things in your own time and I’m sure you will.

You are a brilliant talent, of course, and if you get yourself well, you’ll be able to go on and fulfil your destiny.

You’re a true professional who thrives on work and you need to get back into that routine.

We know you don’t want to let your fans down. We know how important they are to you and how once you’re over this present setback you’ll give them a show they’ll never forget.

You know I’m an optimist, and that I think, with our help, you will get back on top of things.

But I know you must come to me first for that to happen.

I just hope that, because of this letter, you do. Pick up the phone.

All my love, Ma

Amy Winehouse does not live with her parents and has been known to take drugs…

Pic: 14

Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Marc Bannerman’s How To Celebroty Guide, Free With The News Of The World

marc-bannerman.jpg“MARC Bannerman’s hooker and cocaine shame,” announces the News of the World.

It’s all to be expected. Celebrities appear on reality TV to show the world the real them. They will then enlarge upon the real them in Celebrities On Ice, Celebrity Ski School, autobiographies and supermarket openings, become the face of a charity and front an eponymous chatshow.

But they find reality occurs after the event, in tabloid headlines and pantomime costumes.

Today we get this on former EastEnders actor Marc Bannerman, as told by prostitute Shann Fallon (32C-24-35): “Marc apologised and told me he’d taken too much coke. I unzipped his trousers and massaged him but still it showed no signs of life.

“In the end we went back to just cuddling…and doing more drugs.”

As ever with cocaine sensations, the tabloid press offers condemnation and a handy How To guide. For those of you unaware how much cocaine makes up a line, the NOTW offers: “And Marc took a LOT of cocaine. He got himself quite a reputation for it and got the nickname of Double Barrel Bannerman by showing off his party trick—sniffing a whole gram in one go.

“Whereas most people would split a gram into 12 lines he’d cut it up into two big ones. Then he’d put a drinking straw up either nostril and snort both lines at the same time.”

This information is augmented by the news that Ms Fallon “demands £120 an hour”.

Graduates of stage schools should take notes…

Posted: 9th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jordan Intruder Makes Katie Price Shake

katieprice.jpg“JORDAN STALKER TERROR,” says the Star.

How you read that headline is most likely dependent on how you view Jordan: with horror or a deep yearning. Is the stalker or Jordan being terrorised?

The news is that “busty” Katie Price is “still shaking with fright after a stalker tried to track her down to her bedroom”.

This is, then, not Jordan talking – that in-your-face face of Katie Andre/Price – but the real Katie Andre/Price, the person behind Jordan.

The fake Jordan may look like she has any number of men in her room of an evening, but the real Katie is quite different.

And she is scared. Rally scared. It seems that a man has gotten into the hotel room of her assistant. Says Katie to OK! magazine: “She woke up and she could smell cigarette smoke.

“She called out but he didn’t say anything so she called down to reception but the line went dead… They reckon somehow he knew I would have been in the room which is quite freaky.”

How the intruder knew this can, for now, only be guessed at. Celebrities are wont to use pseudonyms when staying in hotels. It is thought that to avoid being recognised most sign in as ‘Anthea Turner’, ‘Ross Kemp’ or ‘Laurence Llewelyn Bowen’.

Of course, Jordan already has a nom-de-celebrity and may have inadvertently mixed up Jordan, Katie Andre and Katie Price with her real Pollyanna…

Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Nose

THE Star (“Amy Winenose”), Mirror (“WINE & NOSES”), and the Sun (“AMY POWDERS HER NOSE”) all lead with news of the inner happenings of Amy Winehouse’s nose.

It is not known what drug Ms Winehouse is on, if indeed she is on anything, but whatever it is it is working wonders for her career. Max Clifford may care to proscribe it to his bevy of talent.

Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Daily Mail’s Paul Dacre And Faye Dunaway: A Study

eyes1.jpgCONTINUING the Daily Mail’s “Old Women – Why Do They Stare?!” series of exposes, readers are invited to look at Faye Dunaway’s face (“film star looks”) and then study her hands (“hands don’t match her seemingly youthful face”).

Spot the difference?

Might it be that Dunaway has had some kind of procedure to make her hands look older and so add gravitas to her acting roles?

The Mail says the “veins and sinews” betray Dunaway’s age. The suggestion is that had she not had her mouth veneered and, perhaps, some nip ‘n’ tuck, that leather bag between her fingers could double for her face. Should she toss her keys into it or just open her mouth.

The effects of the living beneath the Los Angeles sun cannot be overstated.

Daily Mail Male

In light of this, Anorak’s friend 14 has produced a study of a Daily Mail body exclusive.

daily-mail-paul-dacre.jpg I know gossip reporting is not typically rooted in kindness and compassion – and without tabloids and blogger gossip, I wouldn’t have much subject matter to inspire my illustrations and parodies here on GOTA.

That being said, Holy Candy and I decided it was high time to collaborate on a Daily Mail parody. The UK’s second largest daily newspaper, the Daily Mail has increasingly turned their focus toward conjuring up fear and disgust over the natural process of ageing.

Unfortunately, this fear is focused mainly on women. Ageing men featured in the newspaper are fawned over, celebrated, and praised for looking so “natural”.

Women, on the other hand, are scorned for having veiny hands, wrinkles, cellulite and jowls. Often, a zoomed-in photo of the guilty body part is featured and Photoshop-enhanced to make it look even worse.

Holy Candy and I decided to see what would happen if Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail, was placed under the same scrutiny as the female subjects featured in his newspaper. Just look at his deeply etched crow’s feet. The marches of time have not been kind to his age-ravaged face. His veiny hands and pendulous pot belly reveal his true age, and his thinning wisps of grey hair and crooked yellow teeth are sure signs that Father Time is gaining on him. You would think with all that money he makes off bashing older women, he’d be able to afford hair replacement, botox, dental work, and liposuction. medium: photoshop. graphic assembled by 14, text written by Candy Kirby.

Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madonna Looks To Adopt Her Little Princess

madonna-and-child.jpgWITH little David Banda Twist established in the London home of New Age Jew Madonna, the feelers are out for a sister.

“Please can I have some more?” says Madonna, the Sun reporting that she has instructed her aides to search Malawi for an orphan girl.

A shortlist of nine children has been drawn up. Madonna wants to maximise her chances of bringing a child home.

The Sun says the singer was “devastated” when the family of 20-month-old Mercy James blocked her application for adoption. Said her uncle Peter Banet: “I’d rather be struggling with Mercy than for her to live with a big white star far away.”

And then there was Grace, whose family objected.

Now Madonna is on the look out one more. “She has reportedly told staff: “Don’t rest until you’ve found my princess.”

Fare thee well, but be back soon…

Picture: 14 – Buy her prints 

Posted: 7th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Intimately Moments With Victoria Beckham And David

intimately-beckham-night.jpg“VICTORIA,” says OK! magazine’s cover page. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE – SHOCKING WORDS AND NEW PICTURES.”

For afficionados of Victoriana, a second headline: “GERI’S A NUTTER AND DAVID’S SO GRUMPY.”

Queen Victoria was famously married to a German and was alive when future prime minister David Lloyd George was a rising blade in British politics.

But this is the other posh Victoria, the one who has a tattoo on the top of her spine and talks with less a plum than a stud in her mouth. Although, given Prince Albert’s piercings…

We digress. And inside OK! we first see Victoria entangled with her David, Day-vid Beckham.

Victoria appears in a state of enrapture, possibly because what with her commitments to her career, she does not see her Day-vid as much a she’d like.

This behind-the-scenes close-up with the Beckhams coincides with an advert for his ‘n’ hers perfumes called intimately.

And what more intimate than this..?

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse And Pete Doherty Are The Ones That We Want

arthur_mullard.jpg LISTEN out pop fans for Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty’s version of Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker’s hit “You’re The One That I Want” (originally from the movie Grease).

Readers of a vintage will recall that at the height of Mullard Mania, the pair duetted on the BBC’s Top Of The Pops music show.

On the cue “Psst… you’re on!” Mullard and Baker fluffed the lyrics and seemed confused as to what was happening.

In such fashion Mullard and Baker managed to bring to the fore the style of performance that now Doherty and Winehouse seek to make their own.

As the Sun says, Doherty has popped over to Winehouse’s home for what the Mirror calls a “sing-song”.

For a taste of what we expect, take a look at the originators at work in this video…

If you know the words, sing along. If you don’t’, grab a guitar, finger your scarf and pretend your Pete and Amy…

Posted: 5th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2) | Comments RSS feed:RSS 2.0