Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“Love rat plans to bed Charley.”
Anyone who has seen the show will know Ziggy to be far from a love rat. Thrown into the house with eleven women, Ziggy behaved like a gentlemen.
His error was to hook up with Chanelle, who longs to be part to the kind of romance she’s spent her teenage years reading about in Bella magazine.
But there is no romance. There is only convenience and panic. Ziggy does not want to sleep in between Tracey and Carole. Chantelle does not want to wake up with Charley’s pet hairs on her face and drowning in Laura’s chest. So Chanelle and Ziggy buddy up at bed time.
But it has to be more than sleeping arrangements. They have to talk to each other for the rest of the day.
But Ziggy is finding it a struggle. He wants out. For some weeks, Ziggy has been telling Chanelle how much he really, really, really likes her. The hope is that she will question her own feelings and dump him. “I like you,” says Ziggy, “please dump me. Finish with me. I can’t bare your whining, your moaning and your neediness.”
Chanelle looks at him. She sees Beckham. She sees a ten-page photospread in heat. She sees babies called Red and Armani.
Chanelle is up for eviction. She’s 15-1 to go tonight. Chances are that Ziggy will not wave goodbye to Chanelle with one hand while the other pulls Charley.
And chances are he won’t quit if Chanelle walks. The Sport says: “Ziggy: Kick out Chanelle and I quit.”
He won’t quit. She wont’ go. We would like her too, though. There is nothing in this relationship. Ziggy and Chanelle are tiresome and draining. Their romance is a prison. Ziggy knows they have nothing. He tells Gerry: “If Chanelle stays then great. But if she goes, it will give me the freedom to do what I want.”
Ziggy wants to flirt with Samanda and Charley. He may even chat up Nicky. But he will not get hooked up, not make the same mistake twice.
No, Laura will go. She’s 1-20 to be evicted. Take the bet…
What many have suspected to be true is now given form as Davina McCall screeches to the crowd: “Let’s change the chant to Keep Charley in.”
The chant in Elstree is “Get Charley Out”. And Big Brother viewers have heard the people who stand outside the house chants it every day since Charley and her pet hair strutted into the compound.
Since then Charley has remained in situ. Even when she was up for eviction – and a shoo-in to go – she survived when Billi’s votes were discounted in a spot of vote rigging Robert Mugabe would have found embarrassing and heavy handed.
But presenter Davina McCall’s joking doesn’t work. A few do as instructed, specifically the runners looking for a career in telly. But before long the universal chant returns to “Get Charley Out”.
Davina needs to repeat her message in sterner tones. “Charley’s not up for eviction and if you keep chanting her name you will be giving her the attention she wants,” she says.
So we should ignore Charley, the show’s only character of interest, and keep her in. “She’s a streetfighter,” says Jonathan. And out in the street, Davina is fighting for her…
LAURA Williams has called Liam a “poof”. “The use of the word was carefully considered in the context in which it was said and consideration given to the fact no offence was intended or caused.”
Readers may recall Emily Parr calling Charley a “nigger”. She meant no offence. And Charley said no offence had been taken. But she was removed from the house. Fair?
Bet on Laura to go with a free £10 bet…
CHANELLE Hayes has forgotten to put her knickers on.
Such are the strains and stresses of being put up for eviction that Chanelle is spotted by the Sport parading around the Big Brother house knickerless.
“Chanelle Tunnel!” says the Sport’s front page. The paper says Chanelle has looked to Britney Spears for inspiration”.
In which case we can expect to see her shaving her head, drawing bad tattoos on her skin and dating a failed singer who craves the limelight…
JADE Goody is back in the news. She’s in court being banned from driving for six months.
Her lawyers say she should not be banned because she will get such a hostile reception on public transport. Her mute Lover Jack Tweedy was banned for a year in March for drink driving.
Goody’s lawyer says his client accidentally cancelled her motor insurance policy. Says Philip Kelly: “It was not a case of deliberately driving without the required documentation.”
It was a “genuine mistake”. The reaction from Jade’s fanbase in the slums of India is not known…
So few of you have been watching the show that we can exclusively reveal that Big Brother also features an opium farm, a Taliban training facility and Lord Lucan selling timeshares on the Big Brother beach resort.
But it’s the “VICE DEN” that interests the Star. It’s underground. It’s styled on a “seedy” Soho nightclub. There is a rumour that producers may send in “near-naked pole dancers”.
Of course, Charley is already there. Or haven’t the producers noticed?
If they really wanted to get us to tune in, the producers would stick a big TV screen to the wall and broadcast catch-up episodes of Coronation Street and The 1,000 Best Moments In Open University.
LAURA (four nominations) and Chanelle (five) are up for the chop. Viewers may not know who Laura is. We tell you that she is the large women sat on the sofa or, as is her wont, lying on the bed. Chanelle is Ziggy’s love interest.
Take Laura to go at 2-15. Not big odds, but easy money. Take the bet and claim your free £10.
SAYS newly single Chanelle Houghton, winner of Celebrity Big Brother: “It’s so lonely when you first go into the house that you can just pair off with anyone.
“It’s only when you’re outside the house that you can tell whether you’ll work in the real world.”
And when your agent gets you the work as professional Big Brother lovebirds…
Say it ain’t so. Can it be that Charley fell off her shoes? And did her hair act as a parachute? Did she whistle on the way down as the air rushed past and through her?
The Sport leads with news that “Big Brother hate figure” Charley Uchea fell from a hotel balcony when a child. (Charley is still a porcine 47-1 to win the show with Anorak’s free £10 bet.)
This may explain much, or not.
On holiday in Italy, the four-year-old Charley fell four stories onto a wooden floor. Says mum Theresa Owen: “When the ambulance came her eyes rolled in the back of her head (we’ve seen that look from other housemates whenever Charley talks) and she had no pulse for a few seconds. We thought she was dead.”
She died? And then she retuned as a harridan, a screaming banshee hellbent of splitting ears and hairs?
No. She survived. And went on to be… Yes, that’s right. As is the way with all Big Brother mouths, Charley was the victim of bullies.
Just like Danielle Lloyd, that other wannbe Wag, Charley was teased at school. She was “racially abused” and told she was “too thin”. Lloyd drew criticism for her colour (tangerine) and being, by her admittance, too pretty.
The difference is, of course, that Charley’s body is as nature intended. But if she is to chuck herself down stairs again, we suggest she go equipped with Lloyd-type airbags…
BIG Brother bully Danielle Lloyd is at the Princess Diana funeral show. The do was at Wembley Stadium, and chances are that Dani was in the area looking for footballers when the dirge struck up.
The Star says Dani was “holding court” when Prince Harry arrived.
He “couldn’t take his eyes off her boobs,” says a source. “She’s a very tall girl in her heels and when he chatted to her he kept talking to her cleavage.”
This might be because he could not stand to look at her face. Or because Danielle’s 34DD “chesticles” double as body armour to deflect bullets and would be just the thing for the boys in the front line and Chelsey Davy…
Less l’amour than l’armour…
So says the Star’s front page, words taken from the mouth of Emily Parr.
How glad we were to see the back of Emily when she called Charley a “nigger”. And how glad the Star is to see the back of Emily once more as she wraps her “booty” in a pair of black knickers and pushes it out.
And what is more Emily will reveal more. No, not her “skin” but the “truth about Big Brother plot”.
Emily is a typically solipsistic housemate. She is the victim of the show’s “biggest ever plot fix”. Emily says the show is being fixed to ensure Charley Uchea wins.
Inside the paper and Emily is turned around to give us frontal view of her bra and knickers.
“There were five birthdays in June in the house, but Charley had the most massive birthday party, it’s definitely BB fixing how people are seen,” says Emily. “They only gave the twins a pretend party with slop. They have their favourites, put it that way Charley is definitely it.”
But it could have been Emily. As she tells us: “They told my mum they didn’t use a lot of footage of me in the first week because they planned to bring my character out later, then people would want to see more and more of me.”
But then Emily called Charley a nigger and we had seen enough. Although Emily would like to show us more…
He now joins Lesley Brain on her sponsored walk to raise money for fallen Big Brother stars.
If there is shock to be found it is in Jonathan’s reason for leaving: his grandmother has died.
We do not wish to dwell on such matters but Jonathan is 49 years of age, a time when having living grandparents is more of a surprise then finding one of them toes up in the domino pile.
But Jonathan was never comfortable in the house. There is only limited pleasure to be had from watching Nikki bend over and dreaming of balmy days in your Portugal villa with Samanda, the Midwich Cuckoo, for company.
Jonathan is not an unlikeable character. Worrying eyebrows, of course. But his name alone, an abbreviated Jonathan with no ‘h’ in a sea of Billlllis, Nikkkkkis and Charleys marked him out as the embodiment of simpler times.
It’s just that having said he wanted to go a week or more back, and then changing his mind, and then, as the Sun says, sparking rumours of leaving to marry, he now suffers the loss of a dead grandma.
If I were Big Brother I’d want some sign of her passing, or a note from Jonathan’s mum.
BIG Brother calls Tracey into the Diary Room.
Tracey is offered £1,000, two extra nominations and an unlimited supply of tobacco!
“That’s a phat offer,” says Tracey. “A proper phat offer – you’ve done well. But nah, it’s not happening geezer. It’s. Just. Not. Happening.”
But it will happens. Having placed Carole in the firing line (see here), Big Brother is contriving to keep Charley in the house. It is trying to alter the nominations. Four votes for Tracey…
What can Big Brother do between now and Wednesday to fix the deal once more..?
Take your Anorak free £10 bet here…
For the second time she has been whisked from the Big Brother house for treatment. Chanelle has pains in her stomach. Chanelle, as is recorded here and elsewhere, fashions herself on Victoria Beckham. (Chanelle is 100-30 to be the top female and 11-10 for a top four finish with Anorak’s free £10 bet.)
Are the pains the result of over-eating and having a turbo-charged metabolism? The Big Brother doctors must decide. Maybe Chanelle should eat more?
For a clue to what might have pushed Chanelle over the edge, we see Charley (59-1 to win) celebrating her, er, 21st/22nd/45th birthday by filling a bucket with a memento of her birthday tea.
Laura passed out on the bathroom floor. No-one noticed. But at least it gives Laura a renewed purpose. Uses for Laura have been hard to come by. Although it worked for Glyn last year, being Welsh is not always enough. Laura (47-1 to come first) is now the only draught excluder in the village.
Plans to have Laura’s Wangers recalibrated to dispense curry sauce and ketchup are rumoured to be in the more advanced stages. There may well be more than one use for Laura. Ideas to the usual address.
Having been located – Big Brother told the housemates where she was – Laura was given a badge. Not one that said “Kick me” but one bearing the legend “sloth”.
Big Brother had provided Carole (37-1 for ultimate victory) with definitions of the seven deadly sins and told her to match the housemate with the sin.
She awarded the sloth gong to Laura. “What’s sloth anyway?” asked Laura. If she can be bothered, she can find out. But it’s unlikely she will.
This was of course Big Brother playing with Carole. Labelling Laura slothful, Tracy greedy, Amanda beset by pride, Nicky cursed by envy, Liam full of lust, Ziggy glutinous and Charley guilty of wrath, Big Brother has guaranteed that Carole will be up for eviction next week. The badge pinned to Carole’s top says “Mug”
Carole has already been up twice for eviction. And the thinking is that with one vote used up on her the housemates may not turn on Charley. The horror show may yet again escape.
Meanwhile Charley is reeling about the place dressed in a basque and invisible knickers.
She is tossing her guts into a bucket. Well, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go – unless Carole beats her to it…
DISGRACED Big Brother housemate Emily Parr invites Anorak readers to “Check me out! Get to know the real me…”
Emily Parr signs off her missive: “Love Emily x”. That “Love Emily” might be an order, less than a request. And given Emily’s love of black chat, the X might be her slave name. Emily X displays the absence of an inherited African name to take its place.
To make her point, Emily writes in six times. Emily is determined that we get to know the “real her”; for all we know the real Emily might be an easy-going lovable type, and not a pushy eager-to-be seen wannabe.
“I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!,” says the title to Emily’s letter to the masses.
It quickly transpires that this is unlikely to be Big Brother’s Emily Parr at all. This is in all likelihood someone who wants to put the jackboot in on Emily Parr and do her no little damage.
Says this would-be Emily Parr: “I should point out that I am completely racist but so what? I’m Emily Parr so I do whatever I want. Besides black people aren’t as good as white people. I hate it when black people are confident. They want to be taken down a peg or two. They’re just jealous because I’m so beautiful.”
Anorak is no friend to Miss Parr but suggests that she finds out who is passing themselves of as her with malicious intent and invites them to “stick it out” for a good kicking.
And tell the police…
Let us know when you next see Tracey on the highlights show. She’s changing her look. So be aware…
ESSEX FM has begun a campaign to get Brian evicted from the Big Brother house. The radio station says Brian is so thick he shows Essex in a bad light.
But Brian’s mum Sue Smith believes he is simply playing the game.
“He’s being portrayed as the Essex idiot but he’s not thick,” says Sue. “It’s just a game show and he’s playing it. He is clever.”
Brtian’s aunt Rhona says: “He’s a genuinely nice lad. It’s a disgrace a radio show would be so disrespectful.”
Yeah. Show some R.E.S.P.C.T.
See Brian acting dumb like Olivier in Henry V here…
YOU won! Easy money, eh? The fringe has gone. Billi is no more.
The fringe had been getting on so well with Charley’s pet hair. They would yap and yap and yap about all sorts of things. Rumours are they mated and produced a new beard for Jonathan/Carole/Ziggy/Liam – take your pick.
And while Billi (no mates) returns to his career as a model (think Zoolander peering through a lampshade cover), thoughts switch to which housemate is next to leave.
There is the ever present threat of a housemate joining Lesley Brain on her sponsored walk. Ziggy and Jonathan have both expressed an interest in quitting while they are behind.
But they won’t go. I’d take the 2-13 on there being no walk-out next week.
And a wager on Charley being the next evicted housemate at 5-6. Charley is confrontational and aggressive. And that might make good telly. Indeed, chances are high that the EastEnders scriptwriters are right now creating a part for a brattish, deranged woman with issues. Harley Fowler will date the captain of Walford FC, live in a plush studio flat and spend her life telling pigeons “I’m not being funny, right but…”
Charley, of course, thinks she is popular. She tells Billi that only one or at a push two housemates will ever vote for her. Next week everyone will vote for her. She will be up for eviction, probably alongside Tracey (7-1 to go next) and Jonathan (14-1).
Charley will annihilate them. She will join Saddam Hussein as the only public figure to secure 100 per cent of the popular vote. She will walk.
And she will achieve a fame of sorts, beginning in the Daily Star and OK! before slipping on wet patch into the Daily Sport and job presenting topless greyhound racing on cable telly.
Bet now and bet often…
YOU won! Easy money, eh? The fringe has gone. Billi is no more.
It had been getting on so well with Charley’s pet hair. They would yap and yap and yap about all sorts of things. Rumours are they mated and produced a new beard for Jonathan/Carole/Ziggy/Liam – take your pick.
Don’t miss out next time. Open the account for free money…
IT happened last night. We warmed to Samanda. Not in a sweaty-handed way. Not like Jonathan.
Sat in the Dairy Room, Samanda was instructed to see if she could read minds. She laughed. She showed emotion. We have no idea what she said, but she said it with enthusiasm.
In a sea of mediocrity, it looked entertaining. And a welcome break from Charley’s histrionics. Charley is an impressive 9-1 for a top four finish. Seeing how she’s escaped eviction so far, it’s a bet to consider.
Samanda drew pictures. From now on it would be best if she communicated by doodle. We would get what she meant and feel more involved in the show. Of course, there are those who like Samanda for being blonde, lithe and young.
In the Sun, Samanda is on the bed wrestling with herself. Men living in seaside caravan parks on police sex registers will enjoy the view. They could go all the way. Take Samanda to win.
And certainly to get into the top four: Sam (11-8), Anda (4-5).
BIG Brother star emeritus Samuel Preston is pouring Chantelle Houghton’s belongings into a bin.
The Mirror looks on as Preston dumps his estranged wife’s stuff on the street.
A “homeless man appears”, one dressed in clean clothes and, perhaps, in the employ of a national newspaper. He rummages through the bags, one of which carries the logo of a firm “specialising in sexy lingerie and sex toys.”
He should wear gloves.
BRIAN to win (8-1):
As the Star reports (“PAY PER PHEW”), this premium rate channel will enable anyone unable to get porn on cable or via their PC to see Ziggy and Chanelle fumble under the covers.
A senior Channel 4 executive tells us: “It’s a bloody good idea and one that is under active consideration.”
Active eh? “This would be a great addition to our Big Brother service and would have a wide appeal for viewers wanting to take their voyeuristic tendencies a step further.”
While voyeurs put down their binoculars, step into the garden and peep through partly open curtains at Big Brother: After Dark, we actively see how the idea could be further developed.
Why not create a channel for each housemate, a version of Sky Sports’ Player Cam, enabling viewers to watch only one housemate all the time?
Billi TV. Carole Cam. Live Charley hair racing. Each one more successful than the next. And this also means Emily can get the TV career she wanted on Niggers Uncut.
Stick it out, Big Brother. So we can all see…
BIG Brother’s Imogen Thomas is showing the world her breasts. Star readers see Imogen dressed in a pair of tights and some knickers. Says Imogen: “They’re all natural, so why not show them off?” With Imogen entering the fourteenth minute of her fame, we await further naturalist moments…
We speak of Big Brother’s Chantelle and Preston who are to divorce a mere 10 months after tying the knot.
It all looked so promising for the reality TV star who married the singer she met on the show. With her blonde hair extensions and his one hit, they would remain at the summit of British celebrity for as long as they wanted.
It’s a sad day. But the Star resists all urges to throw a black cape around Chantelle’s naked shoulders, her naked bosom and her generously exposed rear.
It realises that as something dies, something else is born. What this something is remains to be seen. But hopes are of a presenting job on QVC for her and a starring role in the stage play Potts Of Gold, the real life story of Lenny Potts, the ‘legless’ South London teddy boy who raised money by sitting astride an upturned aeroplane propeller attached to an engine. Once strapped on, he would spin to the sound Danny & The Juniors while John Robertson, clad in his “Heaven’s Angels” jacket, collected money in his crash helmet.
Great days and no little adventure lie in wait for Chantelle and Preston. But now the couple have only a statement to make: “After much soul-searching ad tearful discussions, we have sadly decided to ends out marriage…
“We know people will think we married too quickly on the back of Big Brother, but we were genuinely in love at the time and we will never regret our time together.”