Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Gerry: “We’re an enclosed society. If there was an atomic holocaust in the outside world, and we were the only survivors… We’d have to reproduce between us, which would be exceptionally difficult.”
What with Charley’s boots being full of water and all…
CHANELLE Hayes (third favourite to win at 9-1) is plyaing Blind Date. On her own.
Q: “If you could be any vehicle, what would it be and why?”
A: “Well Cilla, I’d be a train because I want you to choo-choo-choose me!”
Or a barge (with pole).
A bus (there’s always another one along in a minute)
A charabanc: A Summer Holiday with Ziggy (Cliff ), Jonathan (Ron Moody), Samanda (Una Stubbs)
Your suggestions please…
Yesterday the girls were holding hands and spinning around the lounge dreaming of fluffy pink world.
For those of you who have switched off from Samanda (16-1 to win), the pair recently spoke about wanting a career as a social worker.
Perhaps they believe that skipping into a depressive’s lounge dressed in seven shades of pink and speaking in Norwegian (that is their first language, right?) will brighten people’s lives. It won’t. It will just push them further towards the edge and then over it.
But how to celebrate being 19-year-old twins? Brian suggests a date with him and a party room. Jonathan (6-1 to leave next) says: “You’ve got about a million pound worth of film crews filming your birthday.”
Jonathan’s looks like he’d pay good money for the tape. And then show it to pals in his media room at home. While the boys tuck into free range humus dip, Jonathan will tell them how he lived with the girls for a few weeks and hit the slo-mo button to watch them sleep.
We’re ahead of Jonathan. Tape the girls dancing. Play it back. Slow it down and it’s like the scene in Picnic at Hanging Rock right before the girls disappear and all that’s left of them is a veiled pinkish glow and the sound of the giggling Kookaburras.
Morbid, I know. And it’s on top of the impression that Samanda (3-1 to be top female) is the kind of girl who goes into the cellar at the start of slasher films. Samanda are emblematic of mortality.
That’s them at the door know. They’re running about the room clutchign fluffy pink notepads and talking in tongues.
If only they’d just drop off the medication and leave…
Learn how to make Anorak’s free £10 bet here.
POST Big Brother Shock Disorder: an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which acute mental or physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PBBSD include: being passed over for a presenting job on Living TV, a stint on Celebrity Binge Drink or/and Anthea Turner.
And so to Seány’s post-Big Brother interview [with subtitles]:
Davina: How are you feeling?
Seány: I’m obviously in shock. I don’t know why anybody would have wanted to evict me. I haven’t done anything. [I have been badly edited and am not such a complete tosspot]
D: Let’s find out who nominated you.
Brian, Chanelle, Charley, Nicky and Tracey don black caps.
S: It’s not that bad. Charley was a shock. Charley’s been telling me all week she couldn’t believe that anyone would ever nominate me. [Bitch]
D: Are you aware that you are an enormous prankster? [You have no sense of humour and own a “You don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps” T-shirt, a Billy The Bass singing Fish, musical socks, a vast array of novelety ties and Hale & Pace Uncut & Raw on DVD]
S: I just wanted to put the fun back into Big Brother! [See above]
Seány is shown pushing Charley in the swimming pool.
D: What was it like after that?
S: She went nuts. She gave a speech about her boots costing £300. [I took a stand against ‘the man’]
D: Who did you like playing pranks on?
S: Anybody, really. Gerry, he took it so seriously. [I hate Gerry]
D: Will you ever fancy Gerry?
S: He’s not my type but… he’s a nice guy and he’s a good kisser! [He’s gay]
D: Who was your favourite housemate?
S: Laura. She’s brilliant. [She’s an even bigger loser than me]
D: Listen Seány. You have been brilliant. Thank you for being brilliant. [Next!]
EASY money for Anorak betters who piled onto the favourite to go.
Seány, the one man ethic quota, can now add “failed Big Brother housemate” to a CV that reads like a Restart officer’s case study.
What happens when Sue Pollard and Timmy Mallett mate is now out there, free to procreate in the larger world like a horny, happy-slapping Rumplestiltskin.
Goodbye Seány – one of the least likeable housemates ever…
Win when they don’t with a free £10 bet. Learn more here…
WHAT if one of the housemates started stealing from the others? Not taking milk and too much toilet roll but goods?
Brian has lost his earring. He asked Samada is she’d seen it. A good first move. Brian shows promise as a TV detective. he may even get a vintage car Samanda spends a large part of her day seeking out shiny surfaces to gaze into. A multi-faceted diamond would prove irresistible.
“I’ve lost my earring,” said Brian.
“Have you lost it?” asked Smanda.
“Yeah,” says Brian.
This could go on for some time.
What if they have taken it? What if Samanda are the evil twins? We can only hope…
Samanda is 15-1 to win.
WANT to know why Liam (6-1 to win the show) won the money? Says his dad Joe: “It’s brilliant. I think he was given the money because he is a popular lad and hasn’t offended anyone.”
No small thing in that house.
How did he do it?
“To be honest I think the reason for that is that he has been too busy outside smoking – I think the fags might have won him the money.”
Winners smoke! You heard it here first…
The Star can’t keep it to itself. And screams: “CHARLEY IN SECERT SEX PLOT TO WIN BIG BRUV.”
As secrets go this one is right up there with the rumour that Prince Harry likes a drink, kebabs taste best after ten pints of Belgian lager and Princess Diana is married to Osama bin Laden and living on an Australian ostrich station and answer to the name Shep.
Reading on, we see Charley wearing a belt over her chest. Her cunning plot involves her trying to seduce the show’s favourite male (Liam) by wearing a string of belts and pelmets. For added stealth, Charley gyrates about an imaginary pole while looking as available as air.
“You’ll love this skirt,” it’s so short,” says Charley to Liam. Liam doesn’t complain. Liam doesn’t say much. Liam is the big lad with the soft heart. He smiles. Inside he might be in tears. With Liam it’s not easy to tell. “Ay,” says Liam. “Ay-ay,” says Liam when aroused.
Although he did laugh and high-five Seany when the “one man minority quota” pushed Charley into the pool.
Liam probably doesn’t realise he’s in trouble. In “LIAM CASH BACKLASH”, the Star says Big Brother’s jealous wannabes are turning on the winner of the £100,000 game show.
Liam’s money has not brought him lasting joy. Indeed, if Laura has her way, it will bring him nothing but misery.
“It’s nor fair,” blubs Laura Williams, the only hideous pink tracksuit in the village. It might be that the lack of food is getting to Laura. Or it might be that her tracksuit is the best thing about her?
How long before she eats Charley?
CAN Big Brother start a war?
CANBERRA (Reuters) – Producers of Australia’s version of the Big Brother television programme apologised to Mexico on Friday after contestants threw goo-filled balloons at the Mexican flag.
The Mexican government complained to Australia’s media regulator after the show’s “Mexican Night” featured contestants in mariachi outfits playing musical chairs and eating chili con carne — a dish almost unknown in Mexico — to win points.
But Mexico was angry at one game where contestants in one team had to protect the Mexican flag against slime balloons thrown by the rival team.
Seány’s little brother wasn’t us to keep him in the house. “Please keep my big brother in,” pleads Cahir, 12, “I don’t want him evicted.”
We feel his pain.
And so do you. The happy-slapper is 1-3 on to be the nest evicted housemate. But odds on Carole are narrowing. She’s now at 9-1 to go next. Make a tidy profit on the house cleaner and take the bet…
BILLI Bhatti, who models under the name Zoolander, is great at pulling. Says his pal Daniel Munder in the Star: “He knows he looks good, takes over an hour to get ready and has women coming out of his ears.”
And the girls?
“He’d usually get approached by about five girls a night… There were so many girls we started naming them after the bars we met in.”
Very soon, we expect Chanelle to be rebranded as ‘House’ or ‘Duvet’.
Ziggy (11-1 to win with Anorak’s free £10 bet) is about to finish with Chanelle, who remains one of the favourites at 9-1 to win. She’s the most-backed female.
We predict that for about two minutes Chanelle will be devastated. But she pull herself up by the gusset and hit Billi (27-1) with a pillow or splash him with some water.
And all will be right again…
AND the best line of the series is:
Ziggy: I don’t wanna get involved in games.
Chanelle: You’re in the middle of a game show
Chanelle will be with Billi by teatime… You’re it…
MEANWHILE over there:
BIG Brother found itself caught up in controversy yesterday after a contestant was suspected of making a racist remark during this week’s daily show.
Housemate Andrew sparked heated internet debate after he remarked that he wanted “more Aussies inside the house”, despite the fact all 11 of the remaining contestants are Australian citizens.
Three of those – Zoran, Joel and Gabriela – are of ethnic heritage.
Odd stuff from a nation of immigrants…
PEREZ Hilton, the gossip blogger, uses photographs that are a) in the public interest; b) stolen; c) useful in promoting stars?
In what may be the first hit against bloggerazzi star Perez Hilton’s empire, his main webhost has dropped Perezhilton.com.
After numerous warnings against Hilton’s (aka Mario Lavandeira) use of copyrighted celebrity images, the Oz-based Crucial Paradigm took the site off line; it was dark for a number of hours before it returned to the Internet with a different host.
Hilton is currently named in four lawsuits involving eight photo agencies for his alleged theft of photographs that appear on his site, one that’s been a popular gossip destination for some 2½ years. Hilton frequently adds his own captions to the shots.
Is a photograph just a pictorial quote?
BEFITTING his Geordie roots, Big Bother’s Liam McGough wept.
Liam, who has tended former Newcastle United manager Sir Bobby Robson’s garden, has not set his gaze upon the Gallowgate or Alan Shearer. He has been handed £100,000 cash.
The Sun says this is all part of a “desperate attempt” to win back millions of lost viewers. But how giving away a load of cash in a minute will achieve that is not enlarged upon. Perhaps viewers will tune in to see how Liam spends his winnings. Although with no shops or pubs in the house, Liam can roll it up and smoke it, repaper the lounge in a regal motif or stash it in Charley’s knickers draw.
What we got was Carole, Seány and Jonathan taking part in the world’s least glitzy game show.
As ever there was a question. But no grandstanding. No hype. Big Brother did not shake his wattle and like Chris Tarrant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and follow the official question with a series of his own puzzlers (“Is that your final answer? Are you sure? Sure? Tee-hee. Sure..?”).
No Dusty Bin riddles. No screams of Crackerjack! or being asked to put a word before “Blankety Brother”. No darts player staying out of the black and into the red, getting nothing in this game for two in a bed.
There was just the question – “Who should get the money?” – and a minute to answer. It was the game show giveaway pared down to its bare bones. If the Bolsheviks had invented a game show this would have been it.
But it was a quiz. And there was a right answer to the question. And it was Liam. And a wrong answer: Laura.
Carole and Seany decided it would not be Wangers. Jonathan suggested Amanda. Carole said Ziggy. Seány was weeping inside, wondering why he has been put up for eviction. Seány is Mr Fun. “Are you laughing?” asks Seány as he pulls off your duvet. “Are you laughing NOW?” he asks as he fills your shoes with wet toilet paper. “What about NOW? Laugh! Laugh! Laugh!”
They settle upon Liam. Why is not explained, unusual for a show that invites contestants to explain their reasons for nominating, finding new ways to say “Because I hate them!”
“I’ve got to have a minute,” says Liam. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
CAROLE has best put the sheets on a hot wash tonight. As the Star’s front-page headline says: “BIG BONKERS – Chanelle ‘n Ziggy have full sex in BB house.”
The Star says the action was edited out. But – phew! – the paper has the stills from the action. Or not.
What follows is a series of saucy postcards in grainy black and white. For a better view of undercover lovers, tabloid readers could visit the Sun, where Dear Deidre illustrates readers’ sexual agonies in a triptych of underwear shots.
Back in the Star, in postcard one Ziggy (9-1 to win) is equipped with a speech bubble that has him opining: “Get ‘em off, love.”
“I’ll lose my pants,” says Ziggy in scene 2. And in Scene 3, “Chanelle pipes up: “Is that your biggy, Ziggy?”
It’s the kind of script Benny Hill would have passed over as cheap and tacky. “Ziggy-zag-ah,” says the Star’s editorial, sighing with sweaty-handed relief…
POOR Jade Goody. Not only does she suffer the wrath of a nation after her ‘misunderstood’ rant at Shilpa Shetty. Not only does she get caught out for driving without insurance. But now the television personality and scourge of Britain’s snobs has been fleeced by none other than her childminder.
Luke Rusten, 29, started the ruse back in February 2005, eventually stealing £12,500 by cashing Goody’s cheques without her permission.
However, at Chelmsford Crown Court yesterday, Rusten pleaded guilty to the offences, to the relief of Goody. Said she, “It’s over now. It’s been going on for two years. I’m just pleased it’s over. It has upset me. Trust is a big thing and he broke that.”
Judge Anthony Goldtaub QC told Rusten that he would be given a suspended prison sentence when he returns to the court next month.
Maybe he’ll be forced to enter the Big Brother house as punishment.
To many this may look arrogant and sad, but to Charley it is “arrogant… in a good way”. Although she might have to take cheque – tucking six million pound coins into a G-string is no easy matter.
Not that she’ll have much competition from the other girls. As the Star says, “Babes want ‘perv’ Jon to get the boot.”
Jonathan says he’s never seen the show, so may be shocked to learn that he is shut up in a compound with lots of younger women.
Jonathan’s boast that he is to busy/too important/too out there to watch the ultimate reality TV show is a cause for alarm. Doesn’t he know of the damage this show can do to his career, life and ego? Although any middle-aged man who wears his collars up and a diamond earring might not be overly concerned with looking like a fool.
And, as the Star reports, Carole could save Jonathan my sacrificing herself. Housemates, readers learn, think the pair could hook up.
This is not a pleasant thought. If such a coupling takes place, expect to see David Attenborough looking on and whispering from his unenviable position behind an adjacent pot plant.
It might happen. Seány thinks it can. Can we forget the hideous Seány (8-11 favourite to go next) pushing Carole towards the just-arrived Jonathan and saying: “This is Carole! She’s single. She’s single.”
Seány’s keen to show everyone how cool, accepting and edgy he is. He wears yellow. He has dabbled in Islam, heterosexuality, homosexuality and Jacksonism. He now thinks encouraging the two older housemates to get it on will make him look a free spirit. It doesn’t. It makes him look annoying, pathetic and like Sue Pollard in Hi-De-Hi.
AFTER washing its hands of Big Brother, the Carphone Warehouse have signed a new £20million deal to sponsor another of television’s most highbrow shows, the X-Factor.
The mobile phone giant decided to drop their sponsorship of Big Brother following the Jade Goody/Shilpa Shetty race row shenanigans and will be now be hoping for a controversy free relationship with ITV’s hugely successful talent show.
Although expect a few fireworks when the contestants realise that one of the judges is none other than the amazingly beautiful and talented (it says here) Dannnnnniiiiii Minogue.
CHARLEY branded Seany a bully after he poured water into her £170 Ugg boots. The irony was not lost on Betfair punters.They saw her as a cert for a red card from the Big Brother house prior to this week’s eviction nominations. She was trading as low as 1.40 or 2-5 – which is the equivalent of a 70% chance of leaving in the 2nd eviction.
But Charley can continue to strut around the house with her signature misguided confidence. She has miraculously avoided nomination. Her price for eviction in this round has jumped to 70 – which, incidentally, is the same as her IQ as tested by Big Brother.
It is Seany, amongst other nominees Carole and Jonathan, who is favourite to go. Let’s hope he is not evicted so that he can continue to “bully” Charley.
There are rumours that no one will be evicted this week and that the “evictee” will go into a house next door. This means that the 2nd eviction market could roll over, as happened in the 1st eviction market. This would leave a good opportunity for the long price backers and the short price layers with most housemates being backed as high as 999-1 and Seany at 1.7 to go.
1. According to Wikipedia, an IQ of 70 sits just within the bounds for mild mental disability. Though as BBLB suggested, she may not have been full concentrating on the test.
No, dear readers, Big Brother has not followed that first gay kiss with a first axe murder. Charley is alive and well, nattering away like a mating chaffinch. She’s 84-1 to win the show with Anorak’s free bet.
Charley has been killed off by her cousin, Manchester United footballer Kieran Richardson.
In “SLING YER HOOKER”, the Star says Kieran feels “completely humiliated” after reading the Star’s story on how Charley pretended to be a $500-a-time prostitute.
Anorak wrapped the news in a brown paper and delivered it to the greater world. We heard Charley’s “pal” Kerry say how the Big Brother harridan would tell punters in her lap dancing bar that they could have sex with her if they paid up first and met her outside the club in, say, five minutes to a month.
Some might call Charley streetwise. They might say the sad sacks who fail to spot the scam get all they deserve. And how anyone wanting to have coitus with Charley – and willing to pay hundreds of pounds for the life experience – should not be on the street at all and is a damning indictment the wider care in the community programme.
But still Kieran is unimpressed. A source at his club tells the paper: “He doesn’t like being the centre of attention and can’t understand why Charley is dragging him into her mad world.”
So here’s his friend telling the papers.
But we urge Kieran not to be too hard on Charley. For every football who goes to a lap dancing club, there must a lap dancer, even is she is your cousin.
As Tracey would say, “Deal with it.”
Amanda (to win: 18-1) : Carole & Tracey
Billi (27-1): Carole & Jonathan
Brian (8-1): Seány & Carole
Carole (31-1): Laura & Nicky
Chanelle (11-1): Charley & Seány
Charley (89-1): Nicky & Seány
Gerry (7-1): Charley & Liam
Jonathan (65-1): Nicky & Tracey
Laura (35-1): Carole & Jonathan
Liam (9-1): Jonathan & Charley
Nicky (35-1): Jonathan & Seány
Sam (19-1): Carole & Liam
Seány (35-1): Brian & Tracey
Tracey (11-1): Seány & Jonathan
Ziggy (10-1): Charley & Nicky
ANYTHING’S better than Ken:
I AM proud to announce the launch of a new website campaigning for Derek Laud, the star of Big Brother, to be the next Mayor of London. This site aims to give information about Derek Laud and the campaign to see him run for Mayor of London.
Derek first came to the nation’s attention in 2005 on Big Brother 6 in the United Kingdom. In brief he was described as a gay, black, Tory fox hunter. He would polarise the nation, some hating his slightly right wing and upper crust manner but many loving his grace and traditional charms. Although he did not win the show he stole the heart of many with his dry wit, fruity nature and general levels of excellence.
Although the battle for Mayor is over a year away, the campaign to get Derek to run as the Conservative Party candidate has already begun.
The site has been created to gather support for his campaign, and to provide detailed and up-to-date information for all those wishing to help Derek on his quest to lead the great city of London.
HOW did Charley escape? Did her hair put the housemates off the scent. But the good news – you can now get rid of the cretinous Seany.
Carole, Seany and Jonathan each received five nominations.
Charley and Nicky each received four, Tracey three, Liam two and Brian and Laura each once.
Take Seany to go. Learn how use our free £10 bet here…
BIG Brother Emily “Niggers” Parr says she has received death threats. A respondent on her blog tells her: “I’m going to hunt you down, girl.” That shouldn’t be too hard – Emily’s talking with heat magazine.
Says Emily: “Me and Charley were good friends in the house. I know it offended people, but it’s a term used rather loosely among my friends – black and white.”
She goes on: “I’ll always be gutted by what’s happened. There’s no amount of words that can cover up how stupid I’ve been.”
But it she was forced to choose one…