Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
“BIG Brother hunk Ziggy Lichman is a fame-chasing wannabe desperate to become a star after three failed attempts,” says the Star.
He has failed twice a popstar and never hit the “big time” as a model.
Before Ziggy mimed with Northern Line, he was part of the all-boy ensemble V5. Also in the band was Duncan James, who would go on to achieve no little fame and fortune with Blue and Dancing On Ice.
And, as the paper reports, Ziggy tried to sell stories on James to further his own career.
Such is the fickle finger of fame, how long before James is staling about Ziggy? And V5 is enjoying a resurgence?
CAN anyone understand a word Amanda and Sam Marchant say?
Samanda is the kind of girls who always get killed at the beginning of horror films.
Samanda is the girl in the chorus line who gets pregnant by the star and is bought off, or killed.
Samanda is the elderly woman in the care home reliving her glory days on one end of Wigan pier, the star turn at the Bridlington playhouse Wednesday matinee showing of Cats (third cat from left).
If Big Brother is all about creating a star, finding new talent, then Samanda has not a hope.
She is in the house alone. The phone is ringing. A voice on the other end is making a threat. The basement door swings open.
“Yer wert?” says Samanda. “Wert..?”
NOTHING reflects the state of play in the Big Brother house better than the Betfair markets.
Despite being announced at only 10am this morning, both nominees’ prices drifted overnight – the Sloaney drama student Emily pushed out to 40 from 30 and the live wire, Amy Winehouse stunt double Shabnam lengthened to 130 from 90, now making her the biggest priced housemate.
This year’s figure of hate, Charley, has incredibly managed to dodge a bullet by avoiding nomination, and will be thankful for Emily’s late-night bust-up with Ziggy, who of course was the tikka-tinged judge and jury for this week’s nominations. Accordingly her price has now come back into double figures and currently sits around the 90 mark.
Play along with Anorak’s FREE bet.
Otherwise, a very dismal first week by BB standards has left punters unable to make their minds up over the housemates, with prices going in swings and roundabouts on a daily basis.
The introduction of alleged lothario Ziggy has failed to light the blue touch paper as was expected and BB producers are sure to now be frenziedly brainstorming to come up with devious ways of provoking some serious upheaval in the house.
Cue the freaks…
“BADGERS beat Big Brother,” says the Mail.
No shock there. Badgers have been a mainstay of the light entertainment industry in this country for years. Who can forget the fun we had with Ron Davies, the former Welsh secretary who went badger watching in a Somerset picnic area with a builder in 2003.
And so it that, as the Mail reports, more viewers tuned into BBC2’s Nightshift programme, featuring the nocturnal habits of badgers, than Big Brother.
Bryan Bland, of the RSPB, says: “We’re not surprised at all that the real lives of British wild animals are more fascinating than the unreal lives of caged housemates.”
Looking at the viewing figures – Big Brother on E4 on Monday at midnight: 90,000; Nightshift: 300,000 – one could argue that people prefer the wonders of sleep to either show.
But with badger watching there is the frisson of the unexpected that Big Brother no longer has.
We’ve seen the sex on big Brother, and after so much build up and hype it was a let down – a grope under the table with Michelle and Stu, a few milky bubbles with Anthony and Makosi, a wet patch with Jade.
The badgers offer us something new. And hark! There is action in the sett. Mr Badger is returned home. And he’s wearing size nine brogues. And he’s brought a friend to look at the, er, undergrowth.
And Bill Oddie is looking in…
CHANELLE Hayes, Logo Chanelle, says she plans to use any Big Brother winnings to make her breasts “huge”.
So says the Star, which tells readers that a more pneumatic Chanelle will thus ensure she looks like her idol Victoria Beckham.
But, of course, Her Poshness, is as nature intended. There has been much polemic on the status of the Beckham bosom, but she denies any augmentation. If the good Lord gave her breasts the size and shape of two Spanish onions, then so be it.
Says Chanelle: “Mine are so small I have to wear chicken fillets in my bra. I need to get them done.”
A “pal” tells the Star: “She wants to go up to a 32DD so she can be the same size as Victoria…but she’s determined that when she comes out of the show she’s going to get implants to match Victoria’s.”
In the meantime, look out for Chanelle using the house’s shopping budget to buy all manner of filleted meat products, grapefruits, melons and soft furnishings…
These are the Reaple.
And these professional types all know each other, a troop of jobbing celebs locked in a world of shagging, snorting and presenting.
The Sport brings news that Kerry Katona, Iceland mum and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! regal lettuce shaker has dated Ziggy Lichman.
No mention of this coupling in Kerry’s OK! Diary. But Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz Nikki Grahame tells us, via her own OK! opinion piece, that she has known Lichman since they were at college together aged 16.
Back then he was plain Zak. Now he’s Ziggy. Or Zac.
“I used to go out with his band mate Warren, and his other bandmate Dan Corsi was really good mates with my ex Chris.
And Nikkkkkki saw Zac at a models’ party not that long ago. But she didn’t speak to him.
Such is the world of the reaple. And readers will need no little reminding that Corsi once dated Katona.
We can only imagine what’s next for the group. And look forward to the gang appearing in Carry On Presenting – or, should one of them develop an embarrassing itch, the STD section of Holby City…
EMILY Parr is covered in foam and rubbing herself against Amanda Marchant. Emily is a performing arts student and such things are to be expected.
Of course, Emily invented the foam rub, just as she invented skinny jeans, My Little Pony and trees.
Having locked horns with Charley over who is most original – and taken care not get her horns tangled in Charley’s road kill hair – Emily is rowing with Chanelle.
Emily is there to inject a bit of class friction into the house. The posh-ish girl from Bristol is arguing with the Posh-wannabe from Wakefield.
The subject under debate is hair straighteners and who gets to use them.
Chanelle: “She goes to performing arts school and instantly burst into tears. How convenient. I don’t like her attitude towards me.
Emily: “She’s a boring little s***”
She’s a natural. All hail Emily, EastEnders’ new Sam Mitchell.
So announces the Star on its front page. And readers learn that Tony Adams look-alike Spacey Tracey Barnard has smuggled a stash of narcotics into the Big Brother compound.
This is of little surprise to Anorak, which informed the world on June 2: “Spacey Tracey: Big Brother Drugs Test.” We even mentioned LSD. And now the Star says we were right.
“Tracey told us all what she was planning to do before she was taken away by producers,” says Ashley Smith, a fellow raver.
He tells us that Tracey steeped her tampons in LSD and left them to dry. They were then returned to the packet for later consumption.
Tracey is nothing if not inventive. And there is no little novelty value in thinking of Tracey eating her tampon or else lighting the taper, standing well back and letting her housemates feel the burn.
And if the show’s producers are concerned they can just say that it’s a postmodern exercise designed to reflect what’s going on among the viewing millions too goofed to be bothered to find the remote control or fall asleep…
AFTER the pap interviews, the syrupy excuses and the grandstanding, Big Brother presenter Davina McCall tells us what she thinks of Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd’s bigoted bullying of Shilpa Shetty.
“Jade behaved appallingly, as did Jo and Danielle Lloyd, and there was bullying.
“The Big Brother house is no stranger to bullying tactics but it was always worked through in the end and some sort of justice is usually done. I don’t think Jo did herself any favours in the interview.
“Legally, at that time, I was not allowed to have an opinion as to whether or not she was racist – she hadn’t necessarily said extremely racist things. It was her collusion with Jade that had got her into trouble, really horrible stuff.
“But I couldn’t sit there and say that’s racist, because I would be judging and prosecuting her.”I think it was just real bitchy naivety on their parts. They were silly, bitchy girls. I think girls have a tendency to be like that.”
Why’d it take her so long? Oh, yeah, Davina didn’t want to appear to be judging and prosecuting the odious Jade. So she just let it slide. How very honourable…
HOW long before Victoria Beckham’s only fan, Logo Chanelle, tells us that she eats like a rhino but is full right now. She says: “I want cheese. I love cheese.” But is there any cheese..?
AS if Big Brother doesn’t set them up for a big enough fall. Here comes Ziggy to ask: “If you were a dog, what would you be?”
It’s hard not to quite like Ziggy. The Antony Armstrong-Jones look-alike is only 26 but looks about 39. He doesn’t seem to work for a living, which makes us wonder what he’s done that’s caused so much ageing. And if walking his dog and polishing his teeth stresses him out.
Back to the question. And it’s over to Charley, of course. And Charley’s hair, which appears to have been fashioned from road kill.
Charley ponders. “I’m an Alsatian!” says she. Yes, one of those big German dogs that the owner says is very clever before employing its massive intellect to bite you.
Charley would, on reflection, make a decent attack dog.
The twins would be poodles.
“Laura would be a St. Bernard. They’re the most beautiful dogs in the world, because they’re rescue dogs… it’s nothing to do with appearance,” offers Ziggy.
Laura says she’d be a “a Chihuahua.”
And Charley’s hair was seen to twitch…
And she’s off – send Charley on her way…
…Antony Charles Robert Armstrong-Jones, 1st Earl of Snowdon. Here he is pictured with Carole, before the incident…
IT’S Posh Spice wannabe look-alike Chanelle. Eating. As if…
CHEESY Quaver Tracey is avin’ a birthday. In the Dairy Room, Spacey Tracey sported two green glow sticks, a pair of white gloves, a fluorescent jacket and stuck her head in a face mask. The was smoke. There was champagne. You know, just like at a real rave… Mental, mental, chicken oriental…
IN the Mirror: “One of the main reasons for entering the BB house as to raise £2,000 to pay for a college course…in embalming. Her ambition is to work for an undertaker, putting make-up on bodies before relatives view them in the coffin.” Wonder who she can practice on?
LAURA Williams is supported by….her 40HH bra.
The Daily Star has taken its bra for Wangers to the streets to discover what other uses such a contraption could be put to.
It’s big enough to fit a house brick in. It can hold the weekly shop. It makes ideal his ‘n’ hers head gear. A waitress’s belt that can hold all the condiments. And look at that “beautiful” hanging basket.
Moreuses for Wangers to follow…
“Hidden housemate set to cause chaos.”
Described as a “bitchy gay wannabe”, “outrageous” Rylan (crazy name, crazy guy) will enter the house next week.
A pal of the make-up artiste tells us: “Rylan is a complete bitch. He will stop at nothing to become famous.”
Look out for Rylan learning to play the guitar really well, rehearsing gymnastics to win gold at the London 2012 Olympics and working tirelessly to find a cure for cancer? Fame is his goal and Rylan will stop at nothing to achieve it.
“He’s like a cross between that high-pitched squealer Marco Sabba from BB5 and the camp hairdresser Craig Coates from BB6,” says the source. “It’s going to be hell in there for everyone.”
And by the sounds of it, it’s going to be pretty hellish watching at home.
But we can turn down the telly when Rylan is on, lest our ear pop and our dogs start biting their own tales.
Or like so many secret weapons, we can leave Rylan undetected, forced to eke out an existence the Big Brother attic…
How many Daily Sport readers on learning of this do not wipe a rheumy eye and thank god that someone is living the dream.
Tracey lives in a caravan in the grounds of the Chequers Inn in Fordham, Cambs. This is Tracey’s “CARAVAN OF BRUV!”
A local tells us: “She’s always hanging around with gypsy types and she often has groups of people visiting her in the caravan.”
“There’s often a big noise coming from inside, like they’re drinking and having a good time.”
How envious those pub dwellers across tarmac. Forced to endure Government health warnings on their restoratives, stub out their smokes by order of law and listen to Celine Dion Sings Girls Aloud on the in-house stereo, they pine for the olden days when all pubs were like Tracey’s caravan.
Today Anorak launches it’s “PUB CARAVAN” campaign. We urge all public houses to install a caravan and a Tracey in their car parks and beer gardens.
If patrons want to smoke, laugh out loud and ‘ave it to 128 beats-per-minute bangin’ tunes they can go to these snug tin tributes to Bacchanalian excess and party.
It might just save the hospitality industry…
JADE Goody has not gone away. She’s in the Sun. The paper looks on as Goody the Hoody bends over her son Bobby’s fourth birthday cake and gets green icing on her top. “SPONGEBOOB!” says the. And revenge is ours…
SAYS Big Brother reject Kinga in the Sport: “I’d actually like to see Charley stay in the house so we can see a nice side of her personality before she starts being hated.” Ah, the inevitability of it all…
As ever, much room for sticky debate on the Daily Sport’s foremost page.
The discussion is triggered by the presence in the Big Brother house of Sam and Amanda Marchant, two girls of whom the Sport’s Deano’s World column opines: “Those big Brother twins. Nothing a high calibre machine gun wouldn’t fix.”
But surely this is shooting the messenger. The real issue might be what kind of man would date twins? It’s high time we had a moratorium on such things before someone gets hurt.
On with the debate.
And, typical of the sport, there is no hanging about, not even a handshake before Kerry and Jo Burton (“The Burton Twins”) say they have shared the same fella. “Half the time he doesn’t know he’s with the wrong twin” says Kerry, the elder by 15 minutes (she got the first appointment at Messers nip ‘n’ Tuck’s clinic).
Kirby and Fallon Patterson agree. “There’s been the odd time where a bloke has come over, grabbed my bum and tried to kiss me thinking I was Fallon,” says Kirby.
And Rea and Tonya French say they always play ticks on men. “If we are in a nightclub, we love to confuse them,” says Rea.
The answer is that twins will share the same mate. And to look out for Sam and Amanda Marchant wooing Ziggy and getting told to get lost not once but twice…
Amnda and/or Sam to win? FREE bet here (use the code BFB987)
THE housemates had to rank themselves in order of attractiveness. “I’m going as number 1 or 2, blatantly,” said…
Can you guess?
She ended up as Number 1.
CHARLEY Itchea is making fun of the way Emily looks. Says Lesley: “”You were making fun of the way she looks and it’s not fair. Not everyone looks like you, Charley. One of the responsibilities of being good looking is to be considerate and kind to those who are not.” Hail The Brain – mistress of the ambiguous put down…
LOGO Chanelle is cosying up to Ziggy:
“I’m hungry again,” she says. “I’m always hungry. Suggest something.”
Eating? too easy. What would Victoria Beckham do? Any ideas..?
TONY Adams look-alike Tracey (is it the old England and Arsenal captain?) is into free expression and ‘avin it. The walking advert for banning raving for anyone over 30 is laying down the law.
So far she has warned the housemates: against wearing make-up; against not being themselves; and now against turning on the lights when she goes to bed early – “It’s disrespectful to do that. It’s not respectful for other people.” She wants housemates going to bed after her to put a shoe in the door and get dressed as quickly as possible and hop straight into bed.
But we say flick the light swith on and off and on and off and on, throw a bucket of mud on her head and tell her she’s not in Big Brother but having a bad trip in the Chieveley Service station, off the M4.