Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
WAS Chanelle giving birth in the sardine can? The noise. The agony. The shrieking. Then Charley got in and shrieked louder. Was this bullying? Or just lampooning Chanelle? Answers on a fish…
Danielle Lloyd, for it is she, is wearing a spotty bikini. At last we hope it’s a bikini with spots on. Danielle’s health problems are well documented and there is no small chance that this is not a top but her new naked breasts.
Inside the magazine and Danielle is in a shower, pouring champagne over herself. The astringent properties of alcohol are well documented and looking on we can see that Danielle’s top half has become rid of spots, although it is now covered in a black and white leaf pattern.
Whatever the look, Danielle is back from Miami, where she’s been wearing a bikini with her footballer, Marcus Bent.
Danielle then talks about her footballer, how he’s not like her old footballer and how footballers are just, at the end of the day, 110 per cent men really.
And how women who date footballers because they are footballers, like Big Brother’s Charley, are “prostitutes”. People like Charley and Chanelle Hayes are “pathetic”, says Danielle. “They make people like me look bad.”
Not everyone can date a footballer by pure chance. And then find another one. But Danielle is made of sterner stuff, particularly her new breasts which have now taken on a metallic coating.
She then goes on to say how she had “no idea” who Charley is. And has not seen the picture of them together. “She’s just downgrading herself by saying she wants to go out with a footballer,” says Danielle. “Who is their right mind will date her now?”
Maybe the same kind of footballer that dates Danielle. After all, they are just men.
And what of Emily Parr, who used the word “nigger” on Big Brother? Take a deep breath. Deeper. Exhale. Now take a really deep one. And read: “If someone had used a racist comment while we were in the house, they should have been thrown out too.”
Hold it in…
“I think Emily should have learnt from what happened to me and the others in the house,” says Danielle.
Expect to see Emily with false breasts, orange skin and dating a footballer any day soon. Or at least trying to…
FROM Anorak’s man at Betfair:
With a fortnight elapsed in the BB house, it’s seemingly been a daily case of flip-flopping favourites. After being backed into 7.4 yesterday, the lowest price of any housemate so far, Tracey has now been pushed out to 9.4 in light of her surprise nomination.
Though highly unlikely to be voted out by the Great British public – she is currently 65 to be the 1st evicted – perhaps punters would be wise to acknowledge that there may be only so long the wacky androgynous raver can do without her fix of happy hardcore and glow sticks. With fellow nominee Carole at 16 to go, and yet to show her alleged Millie-Tant side, the bell appears to be tolling for the perennially short-circuiting Shabnam, who is a slender 1.1 to be voted out.
Replacing Tracey in pole position is newcomer Gerry, now into 8. Having pulled off a huge coup by bringing in both Dale Winton and Mick Hucknall, albeit poorly disguised with funny foreign accents, BB has provided the house with a double dose of the vital ingredient we have so far missed in this year’s wannabe pie.
Having got off to a shocker with his failed first night attempts as a prankster, Seany is slowly winning over fans (down to 25 from 40) and looks set to be this year’s court jester. But will the future be orange or simply red?
Elsewhere, the claws are out and the high heels are off as wagaholic Chanelle (2nd favourite at 8.8) and the ghetto fabulous Charley (hovering around the 95 mark) go head to head in a diva battle royale that could end up resembling Saturday night kicking out time on Tyneside.
Firmly in the caring arms of the soppy-faced Ziggy (currently 12.5), Chanelle has guaranteed herself not only a friend in the house but an audience with the BB viewers ever-willing to be gripped by a TV romance – this all clearly riling the attention-seeking Charley whose only friends appear to be Mr Lambert and Butler.
WHAT can spare Shabnam eviction from the Big Brother house?
Shabnam looks doomed – Anorak’s Betfair market gives her a 90% chance of eviction tomorrow night.
Back her and take the easy money?
Or wonder what Shabnam can do to keep alive her dream of BB success. Shabnam craves fame. She wants to do well enough to secure her own OK! diary and become the face of adverts for premium rate phone lines?
But how? Last night she screamed as she entered the bedroom. “It’s alright to have a laugh, but people are trying to sleep,” said Timmy Mallette’s stylist Seány.
At which point Shabnam should have whipped off Seány’s duvet, as he had done to Lesley. Annoying Seány would go far in endearing Shabnam to the voters.
The other option is that her rivals for the chop, Tracey and Carole, will go before her.
There have been suggestions made that Carole will join Lesley on that sponsored walk.
But she won’t. If Carole gets it into her head that this is a campaign of some kind, the Londoner will very possibly never leave. At least not until there is soft toilet roll in Darfur and Elstree declared a nuclear free zone.
And then there is Tracey, whose jerky demeanour marks her out as being suggestible to mind games. “Who wants some?” whispers Shabnam into Tracey’s ear at night. “Rave tonight at Old McDonald’s pasture. Be there. ‘Ave it. Get sorted.”
There is time for Shabnam to save herself. But the clock is ticking. And the risk is that the north London girl will spend the hours between now and then applying her make-up…
DID Jade Goody take offence when Big Brother’s Emily Parr called Charley a nigger?
Goody the Hoody is a mix of black and white blood. Indeed, when OK! trails “Jade Goody and family” we wonder if she will appear with her more ethnic roots on show.
But no. All we get is the same orange-skinned Jade, posing for pictures with her teenaged lover Jack Tweed and children Popadum and Fuckawallah.
Says Jack: “She’s the least racist person I know” – a comment that doesn’t reflect well on Jack’s pool of friends or family – “I mean her dad is mixed race.” So Jade just hated and bullied Shilpa for being Shilpa. And people of mixed race cannot be racist.
Jade’s Little Shilpa
With that cleared up we return to Jade, who has a little Shilpa in her tum-tum. No, not a kebab with curry sauce. Well, not just that. Amid the detritus of a Goody night out, a new life form is brewing.
“A baby!” screams OK!. “What a surprise! After your terrible year, it must be like godsend…
Having facedown Davina McCall (“What’s it like to be misunderstood”), Jade is now faced with OK!. She copes admirably.
Jade tells us that she doesn’t not need to have baby to “stay on the celebrity train”. The 2:30 from Elstree, calling at the Priory, Max Clifford Towers and OK!, does not operate a segregation policy, allowing only pregnant Jades aboard ahead of, say, Indians and dogs. Jade’s Big Brother season ticket comes wrapped in a bubble of gassy fun.
“It seems pregnancy is the first good thing to happen to you this year,” says OK.
Says Jade: “Things were starting to turn around before I got pregnant.” Oh? “I changed my agent and I have had loads to offers.”
Offers like “Why don’t you just f*ck off?”, “Can’t you just f*ck off?” and “What would it take to make you f*ck off?”
Jade says she’s been offered a “few shows”.
Shaggy Jade – It Wasn’t Me
So has she been forgiven for all that bigotry and bullying? “The papers put ideas in people’s head. The public forgot what I actually said came from other housemates.”
Indeed. If Shilpa Shetty hadn’t been on Big Brother and remained in her own country, as Danielle Lloyd suggested, Jade could not have been so badly portrayed. If anyone is to blmae, blame her.
“But would I have got into trouble if I’d called an Irishman Mr Haggis?” she asks. Well, yes Jade, if it is intended to debase them.
Of course this is Jade not asking a question but being ‘Jade’ from “East Angular”. This is the worldly-wise Jade, the media-savvy girl with a new agent and a baby bump in OK! trying to emulate her greatest career moments and redefine the Jade brand.
But it fails. Jade fails. She is hard to like. But that doesn’t mean we won’t watch her…
BIG Brother’s Seány has met Shrek. Or at least his clothes have. Here’s a pictrure of Seány with Micke Myers…
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CHARLEY like to talk. Quotes so far, as reported in the Star:
- If I wasn’t here, what conversation would they have? Ooh Spice Girls, ooh, Spice Girls. Whatever
- I don’t need to namedrop like most people sweetheart, I am actually friends with these celebrities
- Chanelle’s a freak and needs to live in a zoo
- Frank Lampard, John Terry, every single footballer you can think of. I know them all – bunch of tossers
- I’m sorry, but all these people are weirdos
- I’m a size six yeah, but the rest are just fat f*****s
In “BIG BRUV BABES ARE CHEAP STRIPPERS,” Lesley tells the world what she thinks of her ex-housemates.
In the first of Lesley’s talks to ladies who tea, Brown Owl tells us: “Those girls just want to be famous but the best they’ll get after this is 50-quid –down-your-knickers lapdancers.”
“Fifty quid!” chime the girls in unison! “We’ll have some of that.” With knobs on.
But as Charley, who has operated as a lapdancer, shakes the change, bottle tops and tokens from her Stringfellow-issue hotpants, Lesley pauses in her address.
Lesley doesn’t say where such riches are to be had. The Nifty Fifty club may be as elusive as a Spearmint Rhino, the Cherry Dodo or the Victoria Sponge that never sags. It is out there. But Lesley will not say where.
Or cannot. Lesley looks not a lot unlike Edward Tudor-Pole, the jobbing actor who once presented the TV show Crystal Maze. In Lesley’s maze, the girls must go on a mission to find this lapdancing Nirvana.
The journey will be hard and it will be long. At the end Lesley will very probably give the victors a badge they can stitch onto their lapdancing uniforms.
But they will survive. With Tracey’s human beat-box keeping the gang in time, Laura’s kebabs and Greenham veteran Carole explaining how to purify water with a web of hair collected from the bottom of the sleeping bag, success will be achieved.
Right now Lesley is surely printing off sponsorship forms. So some your girls at the WI, give, give, give until it hurts. And if you can remove the staples from Lesley’s forms before stuffing it into the girls’ knickers, so much the better…
On the Betfair markets – use that FREE Anorak bet – Shabnam is 15-2 on to go. She’s the hot favourite to walk, with Carole on 13-1 and Tracey a massive 39-1 outsider.
Shabnam looks doomed. Sign up to Betfair; stick your free tenner on Shabnam and make some easy money.
BIG BRother’s resident mystic sees all. After the show Seány will be… Timmy Mallet’s stylist and the presenter of Radio’s “Happy-Slap Hour”. For it is so…
GERRY says Charley has a “rogue beauty”.
Rogue, as defiend by the msn encarta dictioanry: 4. botany biologically inferior variant: a plant that is a biologically inferior variant of its type.
THE Star profiles Tracey’s last boyfriend. Known locally as “Drunken Duncan”, Duncan Raithby lived with Tracey in her rave snug. “She is into men, but she’s just having a break,” says a source. Hope for Ziggy yet…
PUBLICIST Mark Borkowski is estimating how much money Big Brother housemates can earn when it’s all over.
Borkowski offers his opinion on each housemate, via the Star.
He says Chanelle can be Big Brother’s Chanelle by day and a Posh Spice look-alike by night.
Ziggy will find work “flooding in”.
Laura can “do a Michelle McManus and” and have her poo examined on the telly. Lesley could write a column for a middle-market newspaper. Charley will seek out a rich boyfriend.
Emily is “finished” and should remain in hiding.
Nice try, Borkoswki. But wrong. Anorak has looked into the stars and the tea leaves and therein learnt the truth. And we see… We see… Charley…
Charley: The new celebrity quarry at Walthamstow dog track. Ever since Live TV’s News Bunny was mauled the world of greyhound racing has been looking for some stardust. Granted the greater part of Charley will be left trailing in her hair’s wake, but no-one said fame didn’t cost. And then there is the ever–present expectation that Charley will attract the favours of a wealthy greyhound player. What price Charley becoming the Wagging Wag?
More stargazing to follow…
BIG Brother’s Seány is a brilliant laugh. So long as he’s the one telling the joke.
He’s the good laugh pulling a chair away and as the victim lands hard on his coccyx, saying: “Come on, can’t you take joke? Some people really need to loosen up.” Spread the love.
Tugging the covers off a sleeping Lesley was not a funny joke. It was aggressive, mean, less happy than happy-slap.
Seány is not a likeable person. But he is bonding with Gerry. And their double act now takes in a double bed: think Michael Flatley and George Micheal doing Morecambe and Wise. On second thoughts, don’t – you may never be able to close your eyes again.
And here are Seány and Gerry in the Star. And the news is that “outraged viewers” have “slammed TV bosses” for showing the pair engaged in a “prime-time gay romp”.
One viewer, Angie Robinson, tells the Star: “It was on at 6:30 in the evening when my daughter was watching. It’s not the kind of thing you want people to see.”
TV rules are clear on homosexuality: gay men are enjoyable when they are alone, dressed as a woman, buff and camp, or asking for the ‘scores on the doors’; gay men are not likeable when they are in couples, ginger and approaching middle age in a yellow T-shirt.
Lesbians are only ever acceptable when given the epithet “lipstick” or dessed in period costume.
And what of this “ROMP”? Big Brother has broadcast Jade Goody fouling her foul mouth with a balding Brummie; ‘Chicken’ Stu and Michelle Marsh under a table, and Anthony Hutton foaming a Jacuzzi with Makosi. None of it was pleasant.
And all of it was far more revolting than Gerry ruffling Seány’s hair and draping an arm around him. We see more homoeroticism on Match of the Day.
But Angie is not impressed, hearing her nine-year-old daughter Aleisha say: “Ugh, look at that, Mummy.”
Rather than tell Aleisha to go and do her homework or ask her if she‘s got any friends to text, caring mum calls the papers and gets her daughter’s name in print, beneath a shot of Gerry and Seány in bed.
That’s much more wholesome.
He can spend his days bonding with the other lads. He can talk with Seány and wonder how the tetchy gay, gay hater came by Sue Pollard’s old clothes and kept his arms so close to his sides while leading the River Dance troupe.
He can talk about hair gel with Gerry.
He can whistle and see how long it takes for Charley’s hair to come to heel.
Or he can pull Chanelle.
It’s a non-contest. Just as it is on the Sport’s front page, which alongside a picture of a wandering hand and an offered backside asks: “Who’s that bum in the BB house?”
The bottom belongs, naturally enough, to Chanelle.
The same Chanelle who, as the Mirror reports, “ACTED OUT HER MUM’S MURDER.”
In front of her drama class peers, Chanelle asked: “Why did you leave us mum?” and “Why did you do that stuff?”
These are Chanelle’s dark places. As the Mirror notes, Chanelle’s mother, Andrea Sinclair, was a drug addict and prostitute murdered by one Keith Pollard.
This is the Star’s front-page headline making: “BB CHANELLE: MY DRUGS AND VICE HELL.”
Readers get to see a picture of a tanned Chanelle wearing a black bikini.
More pictures inside of Chanelle in her bikini. And a transcript of her telling Ziggy and Gerry: “I was born in a prison, because she [mother] got locked up for doing drugs, and then she got killed.”
And here’s Gerry picking up the phone and pretending to call Chanelle’s mum, saying: “She hasn’t slept with Ziggy…not yet anyway.”
And here’s Ziggy wondering if he should go and talk with Seány about those Feet of Flames…
CHARLEY was vacuuming. Someone should tell her that Wags don’t vacuum. But then, a little voice seem to have told Charley that if she doesn’t look at least a little humble the great unwashed will vote her out.
“Get Charley out!” has become the favourite cry of the mob as new housemates go in.
And Charley has heard it. Charley is the one we want out. She’s 11/10 with Betfair to go next.
And now Charley is cleaning the house.
From Champagne Charley to Charley’s Aunt, Charley aims to be all Charleys to all women, men and Ziggy. She has yet to do a Proper Charley and make a fool of herself.
But she is well–versed in Charley Says. And today Charley Says of Chanelle: “I can’t stand her and I don’t care who hates me for saying it.” Charley Says to Shabnam: “If youweren’t here and I wasn’t here, what conversations would they have? ‘Ooh Spice Girls, ooh Spice Girls!'”
She has a point. She might even be right. “I see it all, I’m always right,” says Charley.
At least with Charley in the house the conversation is on higher things, like religion, politics and why she can’t have her own packet of fags.
The shopping arrives. Tracey keeps a packet of smokes aside for Nicky. Charley Says: “Tracey, I know you’re trying to do her a favour but they’re my cigarettes as well. Everyone smoked my cigarettes and now I haven’t got any left. It’s getting on my nerves, man. Some people are so funny in here. Weirdos.”
No Charley and no chance of a row over anything. And the rows are what make the show. Right? So Charley stays.
“Lusty Laura”, as the Sun dubs her, is “DEAD HORNY”. As Dan says: “She wanted sex everywhere, night and day. But the one place I refused to do it was the cemetery.”
Is Laura a kind of black widow, luring her mate into a post-coitus lull before rolling them into a burial pit? “Here lay Laura Williams,” says the headstone over her conquests. And here. And here. And here.
Dave refused. Laura persisted. Dave tells us that again she asked for sex in the Trealaw cemetery.
But what about this being the only place Dave and Laura did not get it on?
Dave takes us on a journey with his Wangers, stopping off at the centre spot of his local football club, in nightclub toilets and in peoples’ back gardens.
And here is Laura, a woman eyeing a career preparing corpses for burial, leaning on the cemetery gates, a dash of curry sauce behind the ear, seductively slurping on a bottle of alcopops and batting her one still open eye.
But Dave resists. He lives to tell the tale. For now…
THE monstering of Big Brother’s Emily Parr continues in the Sun.
In “EM’S FAT RAP”, the Sun hears from Nicola Jordan. She met Emily at a pub in Southport, Merseyside, last August.
“She seemed like a nice girl,” says Nicola, “and we hit it off.” But the relationship cooled. So Nicola texted her.
“I later got a nasty message saying she didn’t want to be friends with somebody of my size.” Emily called her a “whale” and a “hippo”.
“I had to change my number in the end,” says Nichola. “Emily is a nasty piece of work and will do whatever she can to win or get her own way.”
The Sun says Nicola is a size 16…
Getting so many women together on one room ensured a party, but of what sort – Hen, Tea or Tupperware?
But the result is something else. And today the Sport brings front-page news of: “SHABNAM AND CHANELLE CAUGHT IN LESBO ROMP.”
Readers are treated to a green-tinged image of a thigh, an arm and some hair. Hard for the layman to identify the protagonists, no doubt, but the Sport is expert in such matters and informs us: “Chanelle got into bed with Shabnam & they started kissing & giggling.”
The paper looks on as Chanelle and Shabnam “finally see what they have been waiting for”.
But not every Sport reader can stand to wait so long and this must come as something of a shock to they who gave up on the long vigil and bought into the Sports “£1 QUID VIDS” on their mobiles.
Or not. As the Star’s front page says (“BB BANS HOTTEST LESBIAN SEX EVER”), viewers will not see Shabnam and Chanelle kiss. They will not experience the “raunchiest girl-on-girl action in reality TV history”.
For a dose of “HOT LESBRO GIRL ACTION”, Big Brother watchers will have to tune into the Star and see Shabnam and Chanelle “turning lesbian”.
And hear Shabnam turn to her lover and say: “Thank goodness that was in the dark! Can you imagine what the headlines would have been tomorrow!”
Shabnam, so desperate to be known, so clued up on the machinations of celebrity and tabloid, gets the headline but fails to realise Big Brother can see in the dark?
But the headlines are not that great for Shabnam because they don’t mention her by name.
Can Shabnam imagine that? Probably not…
Only we have. Last week the housemates painted Tracey’s face. They cooed how terrific she looked, how beautiful. The change was nothing short of radical. No longer did Tracey look like old England footballer Tony Adams. She now looked like Tony Adams in make-up.
The Mirror’s bevy of Big Brother experts may have been watching something else at the time, looking for WMD, perhaps, or reporting on the Labour Party’s deputy leadership contezzzzt.
So readers get to see Tracey “as you have never seen her before”. The Mirror has “uncovered the last pictures of Tracey wearing make-up in public – at her 21st birthday party 15 years ago”.
Says a friend, who may or may not have helped locate this artefact: “Tracey wore bright red lipstick, foundation and she looked a bit of all right.”
Dave Garlick, who lives with Tracey’s mum Christine, thinks she’s going to win. “Says she: “I have already got a few quid on her. I think she is definitely dark horse to win.”
Many agree. Tracey is now 7-1 favourite to win the show. You can back her with a free tenner here.
Win and paint the town as red as Tracey’s lips.
SEANY and Gerry are being contrived into a double act.
Last season, we had Michael (gay) and Spiral (Irish). This time we have Gerry (Greek and gay-ish) and Seany (Irish and gay). Chalk And Cheese are interviewing the housemates to see which of them should be evicted, or at least put up for the chop.
Gerry: You never let me speak.
Seany: You’re not fast enough.
Send in your suggestions for what Gerry and Seany should be billed as.
ZIGGY’S price has shortened to 9.8 which makes him the new favourite as Gerry’s price has drifted to 10.
Tracey’s price continues to drop and you can currently back the ‘crazy raver’ at 11, Chanelle has shortened to the same price.
Nicky is getting no love from punters, her price is still drifting and you can now back her at 27.
Charley and Shabnam remain the favourites to be booted out 1st.
ONE benefit of younger Big Brother housemates is that former schoolmates are in ready supply. (Pic: Craig Fleming)
The wounds of stolen boyfriends, pushing in the dinner queue and spiteful laughter are fresh in the mind.
While there are rumours of Lesley’s short walk to freedom stymieing stories of sponge and scandal from sources within the Women’s Institute, and the Greenham Wimin’s testimony hangs over Carole’s head like a Turkish barber’s petrol-soaked rag, teenagers possess the real urge to tell all and see their names in print.
And the Star gets a call from Chanelle’s former classmates at Middelstown School. Rebecca Lawson feels duty bound to tell us: “Chanelle was a nasty, bullying bitch. She made my life and numerous other girls’ lives hell by the way she used to pick on us.”
Chanelle was a bully? Like Emily?
“I used to go home most nights in tears because she had been calling me names, giving me dirty looks or blanking me. It sounds quite dramatic but it was like mental torture.”
Rebecca, 19, goes on: “She was relentless. She was always spreading rumours, calling you names or telling people to ignore you.”
Rebecca, now a customer service rep, claims Chanelle attacked a fellow pupil.
She says: “Chanelle kept punching and scratching her. No one dared stop her because they knew they would be next.”
Says the alleged victim: “Chanelle only ever punched me on that occasion but yes, she did bully me and a lot of the other girls.”
And here’s Leanne Megson, 19, telling us in the Star (views, we are told, originally expressed in the Wakefield Guardian): “I always liked school but I never wanted to go because of the bullying. My hair started falling out in clumps because of the stress.”
Yes, dear reader, this is the same Leanne Megson, a Miss Wakefield emeritus who represented her parish in Miss England 2005.
Leanne, now a model, adds: “Seeing her on Big Brother has brought it all back. The feelings I have are still raw.”
Expect to hear more of Leanne’s trauma any time soon. And listen out for news of how Carole once made a risque comment about a Cruise missile…
The People delivers the news on the Big Brother agonist in a crescendo of headboard-banging grunts:
“BB girl swore she’d never cheat”
“She has humiliated me on TV”
“I’ll smash Ziggy’s face in”
And this is Ziggy talking of Chanelle, telling housemate Gerry: “I want to rip her clothes off and have sex with her!”
Chanelle is as wanted as she is wanton. And in the NOTW, rugby league player Ryan Atkins, of the Wakefield Trinity Wildcats, relates his story. It’s not often a kiss ‘n’ tell focuses on the player telling tales on his lover. This is the NOTW operating at the bleeding edge of journalism.
And the twists do not end there. Suitably enthralled, readers learn intimate details of the couple “dubbed the Posh and Becks of Wakefield”.
“She’s obsessed with Victoria. But I’m sure Posh can’t be as sexy in the bedroom. Chanelle’s a really fantastic girl in bed and just loves sex,” says Ryan.
A girl who loves sex? If it weren’t for the likes of Ryan and Amanda Marchant’s old flame Lee Cowan, we would suppose sex was a thing to be endure by womankind. But here is news that Chanelle actually enjoys sex. And with Ryan.
So why did he left her get away? What odds on Ryan finding another girl so in tune with her inner Titmuss, especially with the Marchant girls still locked up in the house?
Says Ryan: “We went to a Frankie and Benny’s but it was terrible. I ordered the wrong pizza, she had a sulk and we ran out of things to say.”
Now we realise how they earned their Posh ‘n’ Becks moniker.
And that it is a title well earned…