Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Britney returns to the courtroom. Britney Spears sobs.
Troubled Britney is embroiled in a custody case with her estranged husband K-Ferret. Earlier, Troubled Britney’s lawyer, Thomas Paine Dunlap, opined that video of the depositions would almost certainly wind up on YouTube. He wanted protection for his client. Granted.
Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon says: “I’m not chastising her. She’s an adult. But what I’m saying is someone who is always going to places where there is an inordinate amount of media, it doesn’t square.”
Says Dunlap: “If she goes to Starbucks, there’s media there. If she goes shopping, there’s media there.”
The media is there if she goes to a courtroom, leaves a courtroom, snorts a courtroom etc…
VICTORIA Beckham is “waisted in LA”. The Sun’s scoop is that Vicky is wearing a waistcoat…in Los Angeles. What with the fires and all. “Posh, 33, flew into Los Angeles airport from Japan in the sleeveless top.” We have every reason to believe Her Poshness wore her oputfit in Japan, too. Reports to follow…
“I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life, brought me to hospital.” Winehouse was on a composite blend of heroin, ketamine, cocaine and ecstasy.
“Often I don’t know what I do. Then the next day the memory returns. Blake told me later what had happened. And then I am engulfed in shame.” For shame.
But the real issue is at hand. A problem has been solved. Winehouse cannot be “Troubled” for that is the lot of Britney Spears, who is performing under the headline billing “Troubled Britney”. Winehouse should be Tortured.
And for “Tortured Amy Winehouse” we thank the Star…
Is this a remake of Carrie that went wrong? Went right?
“Remember, remember, the firth of November,” says the Star, holding a bacon upon the date Britney Spears plans to torch her ex-lover.
It is said that Spears plans a Bonfire Night party at her home and is urging her “fellow bunny-boilers” to produce effigies of their former flames to toss upon the pyre.
So it’s goodbye, K-Ferret. Goodbye Justin Timberlake. And goodbye Prince Andrew. Sarah Ferguson is on the phone. Says she: “I’d love to talk to Brit. I feel sorry for her. I want to tell her, it’s all okay. We could be friends.”
Britney could nestle into her dirty pillows…
Congratulations to Kerry, who can be seen on the front of OK! assuming the position by holding her pregnant tum-tum and showing her white teeth.
By way of a legend to mark the monument, Kerry offers: “OUR GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT OUR MIRACLE BABY”. Or: “IF IT’S A BOY I’LL BUY MARK A LAMBORGHINI.”
Indeed, dear reader, the Lamborghini part smacks of sponsorship and Warrington has been independent ever since Albert’s Motor Mart and Discount Baby Supplies shut its doors for good.
Best to stick with the “miracles” inscription, it being a fitting word for Kerry, for whom the world “miracle” surmises a career…
Quote of the day – Kerry: “The only thing I get down about is my depression.”
For some time Anorak has been studying the National Enquirer and translating its bon mots for your education. But rarely if ever have we encountered a line that so succinctly epitomises the goings on in Hollywood .
The only things missing from this tableau are the ages of all parties concerned. And we note that Nolte is 66, Clytie – “who appeared in the movie Coffee Date” – is in her thirties.
The baby, a girl, has yet to be named. And we await that development with no little enthusiasm…
ANNA Nicole Smith is dead. And the making of tabloid sensation…
“TROUBLED Britney Spears is in the Mirror. She’s wearing clothes. Again. Troubled Britney is sporting a pair of green and yellow tartan shorts that are seemingly being chewed by her thighs in readiness for ingestion.
But though the Mirror is fearless in its dedication to relay each of Troubled Britney’s outfits to the watching world, it fails in one key area: are the shorts flame retardant?
With no label showing, we are left to wonder. And worry. As the Mail notes, the Malibu fires have impacted on Troubled Britney’s life. “I’m real scared,” says she. “I don’t think it touched my house.”
But if it is has, then where will Troubled Britney go? News in the Mail is that her other home at The Promises rehab centre has been evacuated.
The fires are raging. And Troubled Britney is in the news. And we look once more at those short and wonder if the chaffing of fabric on thigh has produced a spark not only of interest.
Is there really no such thing as bad publicity..?
SAYS Strictly Come Dancing agonist Penny Lancaster in her diary: “It’s the eve of Strictly, so as a treat dinner’s on the table when I get in. Rod’s got a chef to cook us pork chops and mashed potatoes, then I’m on my way to the salon for a quick St Tropez tan. When I get home I pop my head round the door to look at my son Alistair, who’s fast asleep. I get into my bed, exhausted”.
Mum. Wife. Pro-celebrity dancer. Penny does the lot.
THE COAST IS TOAST,” says the cover of a DVD starring Tommy Lee Jones as man trying to plug a Volcano with his thumb and bridled grit.
But this is real. Malibu is alight. The sky is boiling. As Chris Ayres writes in the Times: “Celebrities were running screaming from their blazing mansions. And the AL Goreans were on TV again, spreading the word about the end of the world.”
Blame the porn industry, air conditioning and the Jews; whatever the reason, Malibu is alight. It’s not the trailer for a new disaster film. This is real.
As the Mirror notes, that really is Cher’s house in the line of fire. Will it survive? Will Cher’s face hold up in so much heat?
Will the homes of Adam Sandler, Sting, Pamela Anderson, Mel Gibson, Jane Seymour, Tom Hanks, Olivia Newton-John, Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston last out? Val Kilmer, says the Telegraph. Jim Carrey. The Sun produces Sean Penn, Pierce Brosnan and Barbra Streisand.
The Mirror has an overhead view of the area and the homes mapped out. We look. We think. And Anorak asks the burning question: “Who gets saved first?”
And we throw in Richard Gere, Robert Redford and Diana Ross.
“It’s a tragic time for California,” says State Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Who advocates an alphabetical approach to life saving, starting with A for Arnold…
A PAL of Amy Winehouse tells us: “We were chuffed when she was caught with cannabis. Everyone used to worry about her cannabis habit, but now we look back at those days fondly.” Filed under “beyond parody”…
The paper holds its nose as guests hotel in Bergen complain about the whiff of “weed” from the Winehouse room.
Police arrive. Blake Fielder-Civil, a man so edgy even his name sounds like a provincial solicitors’ practice, and one Alexander Foden are pinched. It is 7pm. In the Mirror it is “around 5pm”. Drugs can mess with your sense of time.
The Sun’s women in the corridor notes: “I’m told it looked like a scene from action movie Lethal Weapon.”
No experts in Norwigian crime, we wonder at the rightness of employing an LA cop with suicidal tendencies and his American sidekick to arrest the star. Might it be that Norway is not versed in celebrity and needs to call in the professionals?
“Spliffs,” says the Sun. A source says: “They are very strict about drug taking in Norway. With her past record they thought there was more than just a couple of spliffs. When she opened the hotel room door it was obvious she was wasted. She was mumbling and no one could understand her. She was co-operative and even let an officer in training look in her eyes so he could recognise how a person high on drugs looks.”
Norwegian police now know that a person “high” on drugs has a backcombed, enhanced beehive, a pair of breasts drawn in her arm and a concert tour to promote…
But a therapeutic interview was not Lohan’s first post-rehab move. Number one on the agenda was “to focus on my sobriety”.
Lindsay will imbibe Lindsay. As she tells us, the most important thing rehab taught her was “to focus on ourselves”.
Odd indeed that any Hollywood starlet should need to discover that it all about me. But rehab is less about teaching than re-connecting.
And should Lindsay Lohan relapse, one imagines any number of rehab centres will be on had to help Lindsay Lohan see what is truly important: Lindsay Lohan.
And now we learn over the wires that Britney Spears is losing contact with her kids again.
“Troubled Britney” is now forbidden from visiting with 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James, both currently living with Spears’ ex- husband, Kevin Federline.
If Troubled Britney wants to see her children she must comply with a court order, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled. Or else wait to see them on TV confessional chat shows years from now.
In addition to ordering the twice-weekly drug tests, Gordon ordered Spears to spend eight hours per week working with a “parenting coach,” who was to observe her interactions with her children.
At once we see opportunity grasped from the jaws of loss. A TV show. And we too can look on and see how Britney functions with her kids. And if we look on via an HD TV set, we can see the minute details the newspapers might miss…
THE Tabloid headline of the day, as told by the National Enquirer, on the matter of Jennifer Aniston: “Her ex waxer tells all!”
Look out for the “Rachel cut” at a slon near you. Why? Because you’re worth it!
But we expect less than the venue’s parishoners, who expected so many pieces of silver.
As the Telegraph reports, St Mary’s was the venue for Stage 1 of the Liz Hurley wedding to Leeds’ very own Arun Nayar. And, as reported, the worshippers had expected to receive riches for Hurley’s use of the facilities. They are “upset”.
A Sue Williams, parish treasure, tells us: “We do normally charge a fee before a wedding blessing. There are a number of costs to cover, for the choir, the organist and vicar to attend, the bill normally would be in the region of £1,000.”
She adds: “Even the not well off make a financial donation.”
A spokesman for Hurley Home and Mr Liz says: “They’re hoping they’ll be finished in time for Christmas.”
We too. The thrill of kneeling on an actual Hurley Heeler as you give thanks and scrape blood and curry sauce from the carpet after the family dinner cannot be overstated…
The magazine goes on to advertise “93 ‘It’ Boots”, doubtless a nod to Heather Mills and anyone else with a spare leg.
But we stay with Beckham and see her entering a fashion show in Paris. She is late. Fashionably so. Buts, sadly, in last season’s fashion and there are boos and much noisy eye-rolling.
And a heated debate. A source hears Victoria’s people rowing with singer Kanye West’s people about who should arrive last at which show. Of course with this being fashion there are handbags. But all is made well when Victoria and Kanye agree to disagree and place one limb each into the same trouser leg and arrive together but apart.
It’s not about fashion, see. The Times’ fashion editor says it is all about branding. Not – repeat not – fashion. Branding is like getting dressed by committee.
Victoria should look like a clotheshorse but with much input she ends up resembling a camel, albeit one who gives everyone else the hump…
The message is clear: if you look like an iffy parent, not all that good with children, seek out someone who seems worse. Ian Huntley is in jail. Britney turns to Jackson.
As Britney is said to have told a source: “He never lost his kids.”
And: “Britney is hoping he might be able to help her out. And, of course, a few days out of the limelight at Neverland would also be revealing break.”
Neverland is Jackson’s former home in California. It offers sanctuary to Britney. As the Star reports, she is only able to spend one night a week with her two sons. And what better place to share their limited time together than at the former main residence of a man who hung onto his family despite dangling little Blanket over a balcony and facing child abuse allegation (not guilty)?
The kids will love it. But if the little Spears don’t fancy the trip in mum’s car, Britney could always borrow from her parenting mentor and hire a couple of stage school children or dwarves and equip them with head scarves and blankets.
And consider a tetanus shot before using the rides…
Know: “Hysterical BRITNEY SPEARS threatened to kill herself by driving off a CLIFF.”
We join the action as Troubled Britney is sat in a car with her estranged husband, Kevin Federline.
The NOTW sees Troubled Britney and K-Ferret motoring down Mulholland Drive. Our attention is draw toward “huge drop that line the bendy road”.
It is what Hollywood types call a Cliffhanger.
Troubled Britney turns to K-Ferret. Says she: “I’m going to drive off the cliff! It’s going to be your fault that I killed myself.”
The words resonate within the car – and reverberate the way to the NOTW’s offices in a less salubrious part of London.
And Troubled Britney’s battered white Fiat Uno drives on…
Others may mistake her for other beleaguered blondes in the news, namely Princess Diana and Kate McCann. But we can confirm that it is Heather and that she is blonde.
The Sun remains uncertain, however. It notes that ‘Heather’ arrived at London’s high court covered in a blanket.
And when inside the courtroom, chairs are pushed up against the door and the spy hole covered up with tape. The “giant wooden doors” are locked.
But it is Heather. We worked it out.
But in “WE CAN’T WORK IT OUT”, the Mirror says Mills and her estranged husband Paul McCartney have failed to reach a divorce settlement after eight hours of negotiations.
“They are still miles and miles apart,” says an insider.
But this is Paul McCartney, right? We’d recognise the man who told us that all you need is love anywhere?
He’s leaving the court. He’s flashing the crowd a ‘V’ for victory smile. He’s still got a shirt on his back. And he’s leading one and all in a spiritual rendition of Dear Prudence…
SAYS Coronation Street’s Simon Gregson of his showcased son Alfie: “Yes, he wasn’t planned at all. We reckon he was conceived on the OK! engagement shoot we did!”
Whoah! Save it for the kiss ‘n’ tell, Simon. OK! is a family magazine (the family being the Jordan-Andres) and though many a child must have been sired in view of the glossy pages, we need to move on.
Emma?” My waters broke when we were walking the dogs at 10:30 at night.” That’s better. Stick to euphemisms. “I had to be induced in the end…It was a pretty bad week and I was in denial. I kept saying: ‘My bladder’s playing up!’”
And then: “My back wasters had broken but not my front waters,” says Emma.
We have no idea what she means. Matron!
BRITNEY Spears remains “Troubled“. Troubled Britney Spears” is in the Star on account of her having told “stunnded pals”, who confided in OK! USA: “I don’t give a sh*t any more. I never wanted them in the first place.”
We make no apologies for the censoring of “sh*t”.
We are all too aware that the kind of people who read OK! and the Daily Star, two organs owned by Richard Desmond’s stable, would not appreciate stumbling upon vulgarity. The Express being “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”.
As such , we advise them against looking at Demsond’s other productions, namely Television X (featuring Filipino Sucky Fucky), Red Hot TV (Barely legal beauties) and the sink of filth that is Talk Sport radio…
It was BBC man Buerk’s lot to journey to Ethiopia and beam back pictures of the starving and the displaced. It was painful viewing.
And the Star lacks Buerk’s gravitas, although it makes a decent fist of showing Winehouse on a night out with less-than-weighty Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen.
And there’s Amy’s husband Blake Fielder–Civil, a man who sounds like a provincial solicitor practice and dressed in grey blazer, black jeans and beige Burberry raincoat looks not unlike a provincial solicitor.
The Star reports that he “did the chivalrous thing” and escorted skinny model Lily Cole home after a night out. Or as the Mirror puts it: “HEARTBREAKER – Amy’s man storms off with top model.”
Amy has flown into a “jealous rage”. She and Blake have engaged in a “massive bust-up”. They are locked in a toilet cubicle at London’s Harvey Nichols department store. They are “screaming at each other”.
“People waiting to use the loos were just standing there open-mouthed”, says the Star. (Well, when you’ve got to go…)
Anyone wishing to enlarge upon this story is invited to do so with some urgency…
The Sun republishes a picture of the Hoff waiting to board a flight at Heathrow Airport with “what appeared to be a large stain on his trousers”. The perils of pulling on tight-fitting jeans over wet swimming trunks cannot be overlooked. And The Hoff should care not to make the same mistake twice.
But he is off the wagon. And we are left to wonder if it was a talking wagon and one able to call the tabloid press?
The Big Brother star emeritus is getting ready. We see her dressed only in her knickers and bra (matching) and pulling up a pair of fishnet stockings.
Inside, spread over the Star’s centre-crease, Chanelle is “Chanelle No.1”. She is launching her own perfume. Called Simply Chanelle, the scent features top notes of used hankie, fresh tissue and bottom notes of out-the-box PVC.
“I’m really pleased with it,” says Chanelle. “I chose the name and chose loads and loads of different samples.”
And, of course, Chanelle hopes she will beat smelly’ Posh’s own signature odour. The two women look a little alike, and it is hoped that the addition of branded scents will help one and all differentiate between the two. And stop David Beckham from making a terrible mistake…