Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
And do you hear? The blonde twins, 19, are being lined up for a music deal targeted at the teen market, according to what tabloid types call “BB insiders”.
The twins sang dressed as Katie Andre in a task at the weekend. The twins. Katie and her gigantic Jordans. Geddit?
We listened. And then we began to believe. We belieeeved. Do you belieeeeve? Samanda are favourites to win. Samanda is in to 2.7 on the Betfair markets.
Happy days. And the weather is balmy. The sun is out. Before Samanda was the No.1 the days were moist, the nights dark and cold. We had not seen wet and wind like it since Johnny Morris talked with the animals.
Vote Samanda to win, or pay terrible price in storms and all manner of strange happenings…
TOP 50 SEXIEST MEN ON THE PLANET
1. Brad Pitt
2. David Beckham
3. George Clooney
4. Johnny Depp
5. Daniel Craig
6. Benicio Del Toro
7. Justin Lee Collins
8. Freddie Ljungburg
9. Alex Zane
10. Gordon Ramsey
11. Ziggy Lichman
12. Sean Connery
13. Julian McMahon
14. Robert Kazinsky
15. James McAvoy
16. Johnny Wilkinson
17. Keifer Sutherland
18. Nigel Harman
19. David Gandy
20. Christiano Ronaldo
21. Matt Damon
22. Collin Farrell
23. Thierry Henry
24. Ricky Gervais
25. Jeremy Clarkson
26. Lewis Hamilton
27. Steve Jones
28. David Walliams
29. Dermot O’Leary
30. Jay Z
31. Jamie Foxx
32. Rob Lowe
33. Wentworth Miller
34. Hugh Jackman
35. Hugh Grant
36. Vernon Kay
37. Prince Harry
38. Jessie Metcalf
39. Antonio Banderas
40. Piers Morgan
41. Phil Spencer
42. Kelly Jones
43. Orlando Bloom
44. Michael Parkinson
45. Simon Cowell
46. Robbie Williams
47. Jenson Button
48. P Diddy
49. Will Smith
50. Chris Moyles
CHANELLE Hayes. She’s here. She’s there. She’s in her underwear.
And Chanelle is not just for now but for Christmas, when she will still be famous. Really. No joke. Chanelle is working on her official 2008 calendar.
She tells the Daily Star: “I’m loving doing all these shoots and stuff but I don’t think I will ever be a real model. I just don’t think I am pretty enough. Who’s going to want to look at me?”
The question is who is going to want to look at her come April next year when Chanelle’s calendar is in fame’s bargain bucket with Cute Kittens 2008, Pete Bennett 2006 and Jade Goody (2002-2007).
If Chanelle is to achieve a more lasting fame she needs a more lasting talent. So here she is on the Star’s lead page (dressed in matching knickers and bra set) alongside the headline: “CHANELLE & ZIGGY’S SECRET NIGHT OF SEX.”
The Star trusts its readers not to tell Ziggy (119-1 to win) that Chanelle is planning to woo him over a bottle of champagne and a copy of their OK! magazine contract.
Chanelle has belatedly realised that walking out of the house in a tizz put an end to Chiggy, her wet-blanket of a relationship with Ziggy.
“Things did get hot and bothered with all that kissing,” says Chanelle. “He’s a good kisser.”
And she wants more of the same. A “source close to the blonde” tells the Star: “There’s no way Ziggy will turn down a night with Chanelle. He’ll have the time of this life.”
Ziggy has had around 50 nights with Chanelle. We watched them all on CCTV.
Why he would now want to have a secret night with Chanelle is open to debate.
But Chanelle has pencilled him in for later this week.
He won’t go tonight – Tracey will at 1.42, although Kara-Louise offers better value at 2.54.
Ziggy will go after both of them. Tell Chanelle he’ll be free on Tuesday. She can catch up with him then – if she can run fast enough…
“IT was quite funny when Shanessa was convinced Ziggy was giving her the eye,” says Kara-Louise, a housemate so forgettable they had to name her twice.
You may remember Shanessa as the equal opportunities lapdancer testing the torque of Jennifer Lope’s old stage clothes.
You may, however, not recall who Kara-Loo is. She’s the girl whose response to everything is to show a full set to brilliant white teeth and play with her hair.
You can imagine Kara-Louise’s ma-mum’s parting words as her daughter entered the house: “Remember, Kara-Louise, always smile, always smile. Smile and the world smiles with you, smiles with you.”
This is, of course, bunkum. The line now goes “Smile and the world wonders what you are smiling and if you are laughing at them”.
The world also wonders why your teeth are so white and your skin the colour of a month-old tangerine.
Kara-Louise is 4-1 to be evicted from the show this Friday. Ahead of her is Tracey at 1.24.
But Tracey is on the drift, albeit slightly. What chance that the clockwork orange can beat the cheesy quaver to the door?
The only sure thing seems to be that Jonty (84-1) will be with us next week. That way we can best keep an eye on him…
SAYS Tracey of Kara-Loo: “If she’s not cutting her hair, she’s plucking her arms and I find that quite rude.”
Tracey is 2-13 to be evicted from the house this Friday. And she will go. Kara-Loo can cut all the hair from her entire body and depilate like a Chelsea footballer but she will still outlast Tracey.
What else can you do when sat in a room with Tracey other than pick away at yourself?
Sitting with Tracy is like being with a demented macaw.
KL: Morning Tracey (Grins)
T: ‘Ave it! ‘Ave’ it!
KL: Sleep well? (Grins)
T: Deal with it! Deal with it! ‘Ave it! Deal with it!
No, change that. Tracy is like dealing with a Dalek in the moments after they’ve come a cropper on a step and had their settings moved to “repeat”.
Tracey will leave the house, and what it being a Friday she will eschew the delights of London clubs for a barn in rural Essex.
She will have it in the stack and relive her Big Brother experiences in a house of straw bales with a pouch of smokes and the last of Carole’s full fat milk….
The Sun says the pressure of their infidelities, a miscarriage and Jade having all the charm of last night’s kebab have taken their toll. And Jack and Jade are no longer as one.
A friend tells us: “They have been growing apart for months…Jack is devastated and Jade is inconsolable but both accept that they don’t have a future together.”
How different it all looked when Jack and Jade were in the Big Brother house, she the playground bully, he her mute lover.
Back then they had promise. But now they have only tears, a chance to tell all in a double-page Star feature and memories shaped by back copies of OK!.
To remember in our prayers…
Chanelle prides herself on looking a bit like Her Poshness. She is a Victoria Beckham fan. While the many come to gawp, Chanelle comes to learn and listen.
Chanelle packed her “special medication” and headed to Los Angeles to achieve her “lifetime ambition” and meet her heroin in the skin and bone.
Readers wished for some Princess and the Pauper-style plot in which Chanelle would trade places with Her Poshness. Day-vid’s ankle would be well enough for him once again to chase his beloved round the bed and Posh would discover what its like to get a real tan and get booted off auditions for the X Factor.
But it was not to be. And now the Sport leads with the news that when Vicky comes to Wembley Stadium to watch Dave take on Germany, she will be surrounded by “a few more security guards” to “make sure Chanelle doesn’t try anything stupid”.
There is no enlargement on what this desperate bid for fame might be, but readers cannot rule out violin-playing Chanelle standing close to Her Poshness and putting her in the shade, literally…
For a woman who sings the praise of hygiene – you’d half expect her to serve drinks with a Cif lemon twist – the tracksuit belies Carole’s inner slob.
Those psychologies who spend Sunday nights babbling to Davina about how bitching is good for the soul and that sleep talking the lyrics to Cats suggests a troubled mind, should consider Carole’s split personality.
We have already seen Carole’s house, a happening not witnessed on British TV since Adrian Mole delivered a copy of Big and Bouncy to his friend Bert Baxter, 89.
Were Carole tuning in and not on the show, one suspects she’d have pulled on her marigolds, broken into this house and given it a good going over.
Of course, there are those among us, housemates included, who saw Carole’s home and came to the conclusion that she needs to win more than any other.
But these are external issues. The show is about what occurs on the telly. Although the tabloids track the show and give insight into housemates’ sex lives, the voters watch the thing.
And what they see is Carole getting up everyone’s nose like a blast of pine fresh Toilet duck.
Carole is 139-1 to win. And the feeling is that she will go next. The other housemates know she is unpopular on the outside – she topped the vote last week. They will nominate her.
Take her to leave next, and to get a light once over from Davina…
“Who argues about bread? Poor people don’t. They argue about the dole, the CSI and DVLA.”
Replace CSI with the CSA or EastEnders, and he’s got a point…
Did you know that Big Brother twin Sam Marchant is “hiding a sizzling bedroom secret”?
Is it that?
a) She has no fewer that seven Duran Duran posters on her ceiling
b) She likes to Bar-B-Q in bed
c) She dresses up for outfits from a sex shop
Of course, dear reader, you are versed in such thing and state with no hesitation “c”. And you are correct.
As the Star reports, the 19-year-old blonde likes to dress up as a naughty nurse, a bunny Girl and even a sexy Santa.
She may well wear all three outfits at once, such as that time the central heating broke down.
You see, we have read this front-page new before. When the girls entered the house some years ago, we read about Samanda’s PVC Santa outfits.
The Star says Sam once knocked herself out on the headboard during sex. It has told us this before.
After months in the Big Brother house, we have learnt nothing new about Samanda.
They may well be the first housemates to leave the show as they went in – screaming, shrieking and utterly unchanged in a pink tutu with mirrored bells on…
SAYS Samanda to Brian: “You know I like you but I want to be friends more than anything else.”
Yes Brian, even more than she wants to jump your bones and treat you as her sex slave. That is how much your friendship means to her.
No small sacrifice…
AS the NOTW says: “Since leaving the house Chanelle has banked an incredible £500,000 and has been ‘snowed under’ with offers, according to her agent.”
Chanelle now earns more than Victoria Beckham and husband David combined. Great stuff. Who knew SANUK nightclub in Blackpool paid as much as the LA Galaxy to secure a star turn?
Read about Chanelle’s trip to LA here and how she used her fortune to stand behind the goal and FAIL to get into the VIP area…
REMEMBER our tuip that Gerry and Carole would be up for eviction? They are. And remember how we said Gerry would go? The gurus pick Gerry. Easy money. Take the free £10 bet with Anorak…
But, as the Sun says, she has been “SNUBBED!” For shame!
“Chan tries to meet Posh in LA..but her idol isn’t interested,” says the Sun.
Chanelle is at the Los Angles Galaxy’s ground. Vicky is there to see Day-vid kick a ball. And Chanelle wants to meet her.
But she can’t get in to the VIP section. Unless that is you read the Star’s front page and learn: “BECKHAM SCORES WITH CHANELLE.” And: “And guess who’s not very happy.”
Turning to the “full story”, we learn that Chanelle was there in Los Angeles when David Beckham scored his first goal for his new club.
Chanelle went into “raptures”. But Her Poshness could muster only a “genteel clap”.
Let us not be too harsh on Posh. She has seen her husband score before, and read about his scoring in the News of the World and elsewhere.
Indeed, as Americans now know, Day-vid scores in every game he plays. He is a scoring machine.
Says an onlooker: “She clapped politely, like you’d expect to see someone clap a half-decent cricket shot.” Vicky clapped with her hands high in the air. She remained seated. Somerset CCC fans nod and smooth their travel rugs over aged knees.
But Chanelle: “What an amazing goal. I can’t believe how close I was, right behind the net.”
She then says this is her first ever football match. And so her first ever live goal.
Chanelle is interrupted by a fan. “I thought you were Victoria,” says this Galaxian, “but close up you’re younger and better looking.”
Chanelle continues to clap. She may even whoop. And Day-vid keeps on scoring…
CAN you get pink ice? Just a question in light of the news that Samanda is being lined up for spot on TV’s pro-celebrity ice-skating show Dancing On Ice.
A source tells us: “It would be a case of skating on twin ice, not thin ice.”
That’s the kind of pun the twins can look forward to when they emerge screaming and shrieking from the house. They will then dance. Or push their chests together in a lads mag.
The girls are now 31- to win the show. Only Brian (7-4) can stop them and Amanda has gone to work on him. She has kissed Brian. And now she is not kissing him. As he moves in for the kill, Amanda retreats and blows an air kiss.
Amanda says Brian is “so cute”. He is “so sweet”. He is “really adorable”. These are not words girls use when describing a possible lover. Brian is friend material. Sweet is just another way of ripping Brian’s heart out and dancing on it.
Brian fancies Amanda. And now she is going cold on him. Will this affect how he behaves in the house?
If it does, Amanda could be in.
The Star claims to know. Beneath a picture of Chanelle wearing some string over her primary sexual characteristics, the paper announces: “BIG BROTHER FINAL THREE REVEALED.”
Congratulations to the Star on looking at the Betfair markets and picking the three favourites. Is there a school for this kind of investigative journalism?
The paper says they are “dead certs” to be the winning trio.
It also says that the show’s producers are “desperate” for Brian to be the show’s first black winner.
To date, Big Bother has had a gay winner (Brian Dowling), a transsexual winner (Nadia Almada), a special needs winner (Bez on the celebrity show), a disabled winner (Pete Bennett) and two blondes (Chantelle Houghton and Kate Lawler).
An insider says: “In light of everything that has happened with the Celebrity Big Brother race row in January it would be great if we could crown our first black winner.”
Or voting for Jonty (179-1) and thus enabling the authorities to keep an eye on his movements as he marks his celebrity in Spanking Night at The Embassy nightclub and meets the cast of Hollyoaks in the City in the flesh?
Surely if Big Brother was so concerned about getting a black winner it would have put more than one black male in the house, and never inflicted the Charley horror show upon us?
And then there is the fact that Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O’Meara bullied Shilpa Shetty, who is Asian. Big Brother had two Asian housemate this season – Billi ‘Zoolander’ Bhatti and Nicky Maxwell.
To think that any of these housemates in any way represent a social group is terrifying. Does anyone look at Howard Brown from the Halifax bank ads singing “Extra” to the tune of “Sex Bomb”, and see a blow struck for equality and understanding? Is Gerry, as he once opined, the “raprosinteev of all greek gai man”?
Nothing of it. All Big Brother contestants are the same, at least they are when they leave the house to a chorus of boos, catcalls and offers to pose in lads mags…
THE Star spots Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd in London’s Embassy club. Says an onlooker: “She had blokes literally frothing at the mouth after her.” You don’t have to be mad to fancy Danielle, but it helps…
The paper says Amy is a “brianbox” with three A-levels and 10 GCSEs. Since the average haul is now seven A-levels and 39 GCSEs, we beg to differ.
But Amy is upbeat. “I wasn’t too bad at school,” says she. “I did all my work and kept mostly out of trouble, although I did have a bit of fun along the way.”
And now all that study has paid off as Amy is handed her official Star bra and knickers and then, as custom dictates, invited to return the top.
No more “promotional work” for Amy, standing at a conference centre picking the thong out of her backside and “making love” to car parts. She’s made it!
CALLING fans of Tracey Barnard. Calling fans of Tracey Barnard. Last call… Last call… This is the last call….
But there are no fans. At least no Tracey fans who want to appear in the studio for Big Brother’s Little Brother.
So producers are approaching John Fletcher. Would he and his family like to be Tracey fans?
Says John: “They agreed because they wanted to be on TV. You saw them shaking glow-sticks after Dermot said, ‘Tracey’s friends and family are here…’”
Tracey’s mother Christine did appear with Tracey’s sister-in-law Julie. But no friends.
A shock? Nothing of it. Tracey friends – Swampy and Matt The Talc – are otherwise engaged locating their car to get to the race at Heathrow Airport…
Rev those engines. Let’s make some noise!
“STEAMY naked pics of Big Brother hunk Ziggy Lichman have been unearthed by the Daily Star.”
Indeed, dear readers, one wonders why anyone would bury pictures of Ziggy having a wash.
Before he went into the Big Brother house and washed before millions of strangers at least once a day, a soapy Ziggy may have been a novelty to place in a time capsule for future generations to study.
But now the pictures have come to light, Ziggy is embroiled in “ZIGGY’S GAY SECRET”. The Star produces a “kinky gay-themed picture” of Ziggy in the shower with his four Northern Line bandmates.
The Star says Northern Line were “very big on the gay scene”. They weren’t. Northern Line were never that big on any scene, and we make no pun.
If they were a band of size, Ziggy would be doing as Take That’s Mark Owen once did and appearing on celebrity Big Brother, not its amateur enthusiast cousin.
Northern Line was a band produced by the committee who think gay men and teenage girls are after the same thing. They gave us Eldorado, OK! magazine and fake bake.
Of course, this is all to the good for Ziggy. The gay vote is much vaunted in Big Brother betting. If Ziggy (in to 59-1 to win) can secure the gay vote, he might go far.
Perhaps Ziggy would like to talk about his sexuality. He can discuss it with Liam, for whom women fall into two groups: available and family.
There is every reason to suspect that given time and a favourable wind, Liam would find himself in a clinch with Carole.
Liam (14-1 to win) has developed a wispy moustache of late and he and Carole (6-1 for a top four finish) can compare notes and develop a brand.
Larole can then grow huge handlebar moustaches and encourage Ziggy to get in touch with his inner Gerry.
They can then shave. In the shower. With lots of foam…
AFTER this. Now this:
Are we shocked? Only by the lack of imagination… “Shilpa Popadom” at least expanded the bigotry glossary…
A “FRIEND” tells the Daily Star: “Chanelle has been overwhelmed by the calls from fans for her to go back in and she’s said she would love to. She does miss Ziggy and he clearly misses her so maybe their romance would have been rekindled.
“But the invitation to the States and the chance to meet Victoria is too good to refuse. So LA beats BB.”
Go forth Chanelle and be the Victoria Beckham look-alike in Los Angeles. But take care Day-vid doesn’t mistake you for the real deal. He might inadvertently cheat on his wife!
PARIS Hilton is reportedly in talks to appear in the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.
A Channel 4 source says: “Paris is keen to do the show because she wants to show people the real her.
“She wants to show the British public that there is more to her life than shopping and partying and she would certainly make an interesting housemate. It all depends on whether we can afford her.”
She would not make an interesting housemate beyond the headline and the first ten minutes’ pouting…
The housemates are vying to see if they can improve their minds, bodies and souls. The housemate who fares best in each section will be exempt from eviction. The remaining 10 will be up for the vote.
Carole is the Mirror’s “beaded lady”, astral surfing as she tunes into the Cosmo and discovers that Charley has had a “foul-mouthed showdown” with Danielle Lloyd at a London club (see pictures of them kissing in the Sun), that Wayne Rooney has fractured his foot and Cillit Bang’s Barry has launched a new pine-fresh scoring pad.
Carole may also look into the Betfair market and see that she is 119-1 to win the show.
Not that Carole the hippy cares. What matter that only Kara-Louise and Jonty (159-1) are less popular than her – the balloon-skirted whiner out to 559-1 to win?
Of course, no-one is less popular than Charley was. And now that horror show is standing on a sticky red carpet giving “pafetic” Danielle Lloyd the benefit of her “foughts”, Big Brother has improved beyond measure.
For one thing, Jonty has been spanking Kara-Loo. It was, in truth, one spank, a single blow. But delivered by a man in shiny bri-nylon quilted dressing gown, it took on a lasting ripple.
Kara-Loo laughed. Later she may well revisit the moment and seek therapy. She might also seek out some of Carole’s cleaning aids to cleanse the spanking zone.
But first the house much be cleansed of dead wood. Take Kara-Loo to go first. Then Jonty.
The new Robson and Jerome.
We see it all…
AS the News of The World reports with panting excitement: “Big Brother’s latest booted-out babe Amy Alexandra has laid bare her sensational sex secrets—after stripping off for an explicit internet porn video.”
Amy features on a website called Panty Maniacs. the tagline for which runs: “REAL WOMEN…REAL PANTIES!”
The NOTW observes that Amy:
CRAVES wild sex outdoors and in unusual locations.
DEVOURS men in her kitchen as she cooks dinner for them.
LOVES hosting LESBIAN slumber parties at her house.
SHOWERS with “guests” in her plush wood-lined bathroom at home.
Says Amy, 21: “I’ve had sex on the top of a multi-storey car park, but I’m hoping to add quite a few more to that list of strangest places I’ve done it.”
A fake house in a field in Elstree with CCTV cameras tracking your moves, the footage broadcast to mum and dad back home, would be a challenge to most.
“I do love a good hot steamy shower with a guy. So I think my ideal fantasy would be to get hot and steamy in an amazing waterfall somewhere in the rainforest, surrounded by all the flowers and animals,” says Amy.
Or in the kitchen?
“I have to admit I don’t cook very often. I like to have a bit of a dabble, but there’s plenty more fun things to get up to in the kitchen,” says Amy.”You never know what you might find lying around. Or you might have a nice guy over and it’s always good to get together over the work top.”
Amy is seen sat on the food-prep counter. Devour Amy before her sell-by date passes in around 12 minutes. Fill your PVC thigh-high waders.
Says the NOTW: “She then suggestively removes the singlet and puts it in her mouth.”
She eats her clothes? Overlooking the hygiene issues of sex on a kitchen work surface – what would Carole make of it? – Amy shows signs of not knowing what is edible and what is wearable? Is this what chocolate body paint and wearing whipped cream for lads mags does to the mind?
“As the film draws to a close, Amy is unable to keep her hands off her body—even while walking up the stairs to her bedroom in a tiny black slip dress.”
She’s then in the bathroom. The NOTW calls this oversized toilet “sophisticated”.
Amy reveals: “All my guests like to go there. There’s quite a lot of space in the bathroom so we can get quite a few people in at a time…if you know what I mean.”
We hear you Amy. And we’ve seen it all on Big Brother.
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