Anorak

Celebrities | Anorak - Part 368

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Taking Big Brother’s Jodie Marsh Up The Aisle

jodie marsh breasts.thumbnail Taking Big Brothers Jodie Marsh Up The AisleBEFORE JADE Goody and Shilpa Shetty, Jodie Marsh was the celebrity victim of bullying on Celebrity Big Brother.

Sadly, Marsh is no Shetty and comes blessed with all the grace, poise and hue of last night’s chicken tiki massala. Jodie’s post-Big Brother career has not gone from strength to strength.

Jodie has not been kissed by Richard Gere, as Shilpa famously has. In fact, Jodie would be happy to be kissed by anyone. As the front page headline reads: “Jodie Marsh: I want to marry a Daily Sport reader.”

Chances are considerably high that many readers of the Daily Sport, with its diet of Orlaith McAllister’s arse and adverts for porn, are either a) married; b) adolescents too young to get married; c) unable to understand the question.

But not to worry, because Jodie is coming to get you. Wearing a belt, a pelmet and a veil, Jodie announces her plan to find a man.

“I’ve decided to do something completely outrageous,” says Jodie. Is she going to have anal sex with Orlaith McAllister? “I’m desperate to settle down with the man of my dreams, so I’m launching a nationwide search to find a husband.”

Far be it from us to dabble in affairs of the heart, but we suggest Jodie lend her quest an international bent and head to places like Russia, China and all other lands where men would dearly love to marry a British girl.

“If you think you’ve got what I want in a man, I’d really love to meet you in person at my open auditions,” says Jodie.

As is the way of such things, the auditions will be filmed and form the central plank in MTV’s Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle?”

What form the auditions will take is not outlined, but expect to see men tested for how quickly they can varnish Jodie and any one of a number of itchy diseases…

Update: Is that orange colour the result of penicillin?

Posted: 17th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (177) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother’s Orlaith McAllister Swallows Her…Pride

orlaith mcallister.thumbnail Big Brothers Orlaith McAllister Swallows Her...Pride “BIG Brother star emeritus Orlaith McAllister is today conducting “The most outrageous celebrity interview ever”.

Orlaith, who appears on the cover of the Daily Sport organ dressed in a thong and bra, is on hand to talk about her “first time”, her “kinkiest sex acts” and her “one-night stand with ‘huge’ Calum Best”.

Inside the paper, spread across the centre pages in poster format, Big Brother’s Orlaith gives Best 11 out of 10.

Interestingly, Orlaith’s night with Best was also her first time with a “MASSIVE WILLY”. “I think size is important,” says Orliath, who has proved the point by having her chest inflated.

Other questions and answers follow.

In the interests of research readers learn when Orlaith conducted her “first hand job”, “first time received oral sex”, “first blow-job”, “first time you swallowed”, first shag” and “first time bum fun”.

Orlaith then tells readers she is “quite partial to orgasms”, in a way we imagine other women are quite partial to a glass of sherry and Radio 4.

Orlaith is available for pantomime, presenting work and anal sex…

Posted: 17th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (10) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Bass Relief: Catching Up With Big Brother’s Michelle

michelle bass.thumbnail Bass Relief: Catching Up With Big Brothers MichelleWHO knew that when Michelle Bass entered the Big Brother house she would go on to dye her hair an orangey yellow?

Back then celebrity for Michelle was so much dreaming. But now Michelle is a glamour mo-del and earning what OK! optimistically calls “a decent living”.

Michelle has just run the London Marathon. She says her knee “went” at 16 miles so she walked. Then her hip stated hurting. So she limped. Then the elastic in her knickers snapped and she smiled for the cameras.

“I had to sit on the grass and my leg seized up,” says Michelle. “So four ambulance men came over with their wheelie trolley and put an ice pack on my knee.”

And this is how Michelle came to win the disabled race? No. But she did finish, which is more than her Big Bother agonist Kinga managed.

And that is not all. Michelle was in a film, with Carmen Electra. “I thought she wouldn’t want to speak to me, so I just stared at her until she did,” says Bass. “In the end she asked me what Marks & Spencer is and we talked about it for a couple of minutes.”

Oh… “Knickers,” says Bass. And bras, perhaps? Michelle has a well-filled bra, it being inflated from a C to a DD. “You know what,” says she, “I got my boob job and I’ve not looked back since I got them done.”

Can’t turn for the sore knees, right? And the strain on the vertebrae of having two airbags strapped to your chest?

And being in love. Michelle is with a therapist called Steve. “We’ve been together for three months. But you know what, it feels longer,” says Michelle candidly.

But she’ll make a go of it.

We learn that Steve was Michelle’s therapist. They met on a night out.

“He has his own practice and he put you in a hypnotic state and unravels things in your mind that you didn’t know were there.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted: 16th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Danielle Lloyd Goes Television X-Directory

danielle lloyd x rated.thumbnail Big Brother Danielle Lloyd Goes Television X DirectoryBIG Brother bully Danielle Lloyd is to appear in an “X rated telly show”.

And the better news is that she can come as she is. Indeed, there is every reason to believe Danielle can do away with her trademark outfit of knickers and bra and arrive as the surgeon intended.

Danielle’s new show is to be on Television X, the pay-for-view satellite station brought to adolescent boys and night-shift workers by the same company that creates the Star.

These are heady times for Danielle.

And life just gets better as Danielle holds up her mobile phone. Yes, that mobile phone, as taken from her in a VIP toilet at VIP nightclub Newz in Liverpool.

Danielle says she is “relieved beyond belief”, words that could serve as a tag to her new show.

“I’m very grateful to everyone who helped – especially at Newz and the Daily Star.”

How grateful? Well, readers will just have to sign up to television X and see…

Posted: 16th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Is Scripted

“BIG Brother is means to be light entertainment and about everyone having a laugh,” says Danina McCall, the show’s presenter.

Just like in the book 1984, right?

“During Celebrity Big Brother I was turning up for script meetings and there were lawyers there telling me to make sure people got a fair hearing.”

Scripts?

“And I was thinking: ‘Where has my light entertainment programme gone? It was depressing.’”

But great telly. And a great laugh, albeit at Shilpa Shetty’s expense.

But back to those scripts…

Posted: 16th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Hots Up

PSSST! Wanna see a picture of the boiler that will heat the water that will warm and wash the Big Brother 8 contestants?

It’s the kind of scoop the Star prides itself on, although it was beaten to the job by yesterday’s Mirror.

But never mind the details, just get a load of the quality.

That is a big boiler. It plays a pivotal role in the Big Brother house – without it there would be no warm water and no chance to see Armani and Jakki luxuriating in a soapy bat and getting wet in a steamy shower.

“On the boil,” says the Star. “The boiler that will keep all the housemates warm.”

There are 15 days to go until Big Brother 8 starts and things are, er, heating up…

Posted: 15th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Come In SNOWY: Big Brother Danielle’s Lloyd’s Call For Help

danielle lloyd ted.thumbnail Come In SNOWY: Big Brother Danielles Lloyds Call For HelpDANIELLE Lloyd, Big Brother’s orangey-skinned bully, is “distraught”.

As recorded in testimony, Danielle has been the victim of a mugging. In the course of a contretemps in a VIP toilet at a VIP Liverpool club, her mobile phone was stolen.

Now Dani fears the villains will unleash untold havoc upon the celebrity set by misusing the numbers contained on said handset.

Says Dani: “Please give it back. If you know anything please help. I really hate the idea of my number getting into the wrong hands.”

Footballer Teddy Sheringham’s face illustrates the Star’s story. Teddy was attached to Dani at the apogee of her notoriety. His number might be on the phone. Although given that he dumped her, Sheringham may be delighted his number is no longer in the wrong hands, namely Dani’s

“I know quite a few famous faces and I don’t want to cause them hassle,” says Dani. “Luckily I put some of them in under code so I’m just praying I get it back before the thieves work out who they are.”

Dani knows Shilpa Shetty (SNOWY), Marcus Bent (CHALKY), and the aforesaid Sheringham (DADDY).

“I hate the idea of them going through my texts or trying to sell them,” says Dani.

After all, if they do that, what will Dani do for material for her autobiography…?

Posted: 15th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


New Big Brother House Revealed

THE new Big Brother house has been revealed.

Part of the swimming pool will be indoors. This allows the cameras to capture the orangey tones of Armani’s puckered flesh under controlled indoor lights.

Housemates will be able to swim from the garden into the lounge. This means bikinis in the living room.

Housemates will be able to eat a large meal, drink their fill and then tumble into the water.

It could be Big Brother’s first ever live drowning. Who says the show has nowhere left to go?…

Posted: 14th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Bully Off: Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd Lives The Dream

danielle lloyd knickers.thumbnail Bully Off: Big Brothers Danielle Lloyd Lives The DreamIT’S not as if Big Brother star Danielle Lloyd hasn’t suffered enough.

Dumped by her middle-aged lover Teddy Sheringham, pushed off a table and overlooked for any TV work, including a stint presenting Celebrity Photoshop (Dani and the team see if they can use computer wizardry to turn even the blackest celebrity white), there is more bad news.

As the Star’s front page says: “Dani’s terror as she’s mugged by gang.”

The heathen scum have attacked our Danielle and left her weting only a leopard-print bikini. For shame!

Dani is in the VIP section of Liverpool’s Newz bar. Surrounded by local VIPs – the pizza delivery boy from Brookside, the lad from the ‘Accrington Stanley’ milk advert and Coleen McLoughlin – Dani is in the toilets.

“I put my phone down to wash my hands and they grabbed it,” says “terrified” Dani. “I asked for it back but they just started swearing at me and yelling, ‘Who do you think you are?’”

These are not Dani’s people, as some may believe. Dani is outnumbered. She is pushed. She is shoved. Dani escapes and flees the club.

But, as the Sun reports, Coleen McLoughlin has offered Dani some comfort.

So not all bad then. Dani is mugged and terrified. But she sees her name in the papers. She meets Liverpool A-lister Coleen. And gets to be achieve something she could only have dreamed about: victimhood.

Posted: 14th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Web Of Vice: Big Brother Sex Cams

“BIG BROTHER SEX SPIES,” says the Star’s front page.

Fans of the show can “look forward to seeing the girls peeling off and wannabes getting intimate with each other”.

All housemates will be issued with webcams. They can use them to send messages. And this “explicit footage” will be made available on the web.

A little worryingly, the Star says: “TV chiefs want the wannabes to use the cams for other things as well.”

Will web cameras be used as balls in games of catch? Inserted within housemates? Or in other ways?

Of course, knowing how these things work out, impatient Big Brother fans can log onto the web and look for the contestants’ former careers as strippers, porn stars and mo-dels.

Posted: 14th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother: George Galloway Tells It Like He Wants

george galloway saddam hussein.thumbnail Big Brother: George Galloway Tells It Like He WantsGEORGE Galloway was thrown out of the Labour Party for inciting Arabs to fight British troops, inciting British troops in Iraq and threatening to stand against Labour in an election, as the BBC puts it. George Galloway is the MP for Bethnal Green and Bow.

He then went onto appear on Big Brother in early 2006.

Galloway is in conversation with Digital Spy:

DS: At the time one of your constituents – a certain Oscar-winning British actress (Queen Helen Mirren) – suggested that you were abandoning your constituency by appearing on the show. What do you say to that?

GG: It’s rubbish. Most Members of Parliament are not even known by their constituents, much less their whereabouts. Much of the show was during the parliamentary recess, and the best answer was given by my constituents just twelve weeks later, when in the local elections we swept the entire Labour leadership out of office.

A bit of research tells us that in the local elections of 2006, the Labour Party’s Mohammed Abdus Salique won a seat in Bethnal Green (North). In Bethnal Green South, Salim Ulla, Sirajul Is and Carli Harper-Penman won seats for, er, Labour.

In Bow East, Marc Francis, Alexander Kenneth Heslop and Ahmed Adam Omer won seats for – you guessed it – Labour. And in Bow West, Anwara Ali, Ann Theresa Jackson and Joshua Peck won seats on the local council for – no prizes here, folks – Labour. And in Bromley by Bow Abdul Aziz Sardar won a seat for…Labour.

Labour held the Tower Hamlets council.

And in 2002, then Iraqi president Saddam Hussein, who Galloway so indefatigability saluted, topped his personal best election performance by securing 100% of the vote in a referendum.

Labour did not field a candidate

Posted: 13th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Post Big Brother Shock Disorder: The Diagnosis

narinder.thumbnail Post Big Brother Shock Disorder: The Diagnosis POST Big Brother Shock Disorder: an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which acute mental or physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PBBSD include: being passed over for a presenting job on Living TV, a stint on Celebrity Binge Drink or military combat.

And now you can read about PBBSD in a book by Narinder Kaur, Big Brother survivor. Entitled Big Brother: The Inside Story, Ms Kaur will lift yet another lid off the show that everyone is talking about.

Says Narinder: “There are now around 100 former housemates,’ she explains, ‘some drifting around aimlessly, some the walking wounded, some who went back to their old lives as best as they could, and some, well… who knows?”

That we should never forget these wannabes, has beens and never weres is clear. And while we champion a National Day of Reality TV Remembrance – a ten minute silence to be presented by Danielle Lloyd and Calum Best – Kaur goes on.

She remembers Sam Heuston who experienced Blue’s Duncan James and was so depressed after her eviction that she slashed her wrists in front of her dad.

Say Sam: “I grabbed a razor and cut myself in front of my dad. Blood was all over my arm and dripping on the floor. The ambulance arrived and paramedics stemmed the bleeding. At the hospital I was diagnosed with severe depression, given stronger pills and referred for psychotherapy.”

Anthony Hutton was “randomly punched” in a club. Makosi Musambasi received death threats form Zimbabwe. The shocks are plenty.

And we thank Narinder for showing us the way. And showing other Big Brother agonists that no matter what, you can always get write a book and move on…

Posted: 13th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Chantelle Houghton’s New Assets

WITH Big Brother 8 looming, Chantelle Houghton finds the moment opportune to tell us about her latest adventure: she having new breasts fitted.

“I never thought I’d have a boob job but I’ve given it loads of thought and it’s what I want. I’m really excited about it – I can’t wait,” says Chantelle.

“I’ve lost a bit of weight so my boobs have shrunk a bit. I feel like I’ve got no curves. I hope it will boost my confidence.”

And husband Preston – who she met on Celebrity Big Brother – is delighted. Says Chantelle: “Preston’s very happy about it. But he said to me I shouldn’t have surgery for anyone else but me. Whatever I decide he’ll support me.”

Not that she’ll need his support – or any kind of support – with her new gravity-defying chest…

Posted: 11th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Kebab In The Oven: Big Brother Bully Jade Goody Expecting

jadegoody.thumbnail Kebab In The Oven: Big Brother Bully Jade Goody ExpectingHEADLINES likes “JADE GOODY WE HATE YOU”, “JADE: DIE!” and “JADE YOU ARE A FAT BIGOT” led Anorak to see the Big Brother bigot as the pariah of the land.

But one man’s undercooked chicken is another man’s meat and OK! delivers the news that Jade is pregnant.

Jade’s tum-tum now contains two parts kebab to three parts curry sauce and a little baybee.

“I’m thrilled,” says Jade.

And what of her lover, the mute Jack Tweed? What does he think? “Jack’s over the moon too, but it’s comes as a bit of a shock,” says Goody the hoodie. “We’re still telling friends and family.”

Jade presumes too much. We are neither her friends nor her family.

Other OK! readers may beg to differ…

Posted: 11th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (22) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Plot To Blow Up Big Brother House

osama big brother.thumbnail Plot To Blow Up Big Brother HouseBIG BROTHER is to be blown up.

The Star’s front page (“B.BRO BIG BLOW”) reports that in the Big Brother finale the house will be blown to smithereens.

Interesting stuff. And readers wonder if a jihadist will feature among this year’s housemates. Is the house to be blown up by this terrorist with all the inmates within? Or is it to be destroyed by a British ace with a pinpoint missile strike?

Either way, casualties will be high. And we urge Big Brother to reconsider. The drive for more sensation should not be allowed to go too far.

Of course, on the upside, Big Brother will finally have to bite the bullet and replace Davina McCall as the show’s presenter.

But before the panic, and that emergency call to Kate Thornton, we learn that the truth may be less dramatic. The house’s planning permission expires on August 31. This is when Big Brother 8 ends.

After five years the show is moving to a new site. And this means the old house can either be moved brick by crock or destroyed.

As a source says: “The house has got to go and what better way to end the show than to have the place blown up or bring in a digger to demolish it?”

We begin to wonder. And we think that the best way to end the show would be for the BB house to remain in situ and handed over to Jade Goody and kin before being sealed shut.

What do you think the Big Brother house should become? Answers to usual address…

Posted: 10th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


From BB To DD: Big Brother Danielle Lloyd’s Busty 70-Year-Old Head

danielle lloyd upskirt.thumbnail From BB To DD: Big Brother Danielle Lloyds Busty 70 Year Old HeadDANIELLE Lloyd, the Big Brother bully, is preparing to offer Star readers a world exclusive. That is, of course, those Star readers not employed by Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck.

“Dani’s NEW boobs,” says the front-page headline. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”. “From Celeb BB to a “32DD!”

If the Star was printed on scented paper, readers would be met by the smell of a newly opened box of shoes.

But the Star is not a multi-sensory experience, just a feast for the eyes. It is not sprayed with Eau De Dani (top notes of orange, bottom notes or orange and middle notes of Oxo cube and chicken blood).

Moreover, the Star is not printed on tissue paper. And readers move to the centre pages and note, disappointingly, that Dani’s new breasts are attached to Dani’s old body.

And they remain under wraps.

Dani, dressed in only a pair of pink knickers, leans on her front, her nipples concealed from view. Dani sits up and uses a knee and two hands to cover her chest. Dani pulls a strip of the kind of meshed material used to pack Gallia melons on shipping crates over her chest and crotch.

And it becomes evident that we are not seeing Dani’s news breasts. They are either shy or not yet set firm.

So Dani introduces them by word. Says she: “Now I’ve got these great curves and I’m ready to show myself off to the world.”

Dani thanks Star readers for the “flood of messages” sent her way. “I’ve had a lot of messages wishing me better,” says Dani.

And Star readers have got their wish because Dani is better than ever. Thanks top two boob upgrades in the past month, Dani is better to the tune of 32DD. Dani says this is her “perfect size”.

And this is not all. Says Dani: “I’m learning really fast and I think I’ve got a 70—year-old’s head on my shoulders these days.”

Indeed, it’s not hard to imagine Dani walking down the swankier parts of Liverpool’s Albert Dock marina with the head of a 70-year-old ex-footballer resting on her shoulder, his mouth chomping on little blue diamond-shaped pills and dribbling down her new cleavage.

Posted: 10th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Goody Overboard: Big Brother Air Rage

budden.thumbnail Goody Overboard: Big Brother Air RageBIG Brother loudmouth Jade Goody’s mum has issued a “four-letter tirade on a holiday jet”.

So says the Sun.

Jackiey Bunden, for it is she, is aboard a packed flight from Gatwick airport to Jamaica.

Passenger Steve Mitchell is also onboard. Steve is a financial controller.

Says he: “She was effing and blinding about not being fed, she was so loud the whole plane was bothered. I asked to be moved four times.”

And not moved closer to the celebrity but, one imagines, further away.

Adds Steve: “The supervisor had to be called. She was told in no uncertain terms that we would divert.”

Where the plane would have diverted to is not revealed. But it is thought the airline missed an opportunity to drop Jackiey onto Greenland.

Dressed in her stinging nettle bikini…

Posted: 10th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Danielle’s Teenage Kicker

BIG Brother’s Danielle Lloyd is seeing Arsenal defender Armand Traore.

At just 17 years of age and French-by-design, coffee-hued Traore may well be oblivious to Lloyd’s track record.

But if he reads the Sun he can see learn that Danielle’s once dated former England footballer Teddy Sheringham, who was 17 when Roland Rat was introducing breakfast telly, Michael Jackson was playing Thriller and young lads were finding uses for a bath full of Matey.

Teddy is said to have pulled 18-year-old Nicole Eve. “I’ve met Teddy and we exchanged text. But it’s not serious.”

Teddy is 41, an age when even an itchy groin can be potentially serious.

But we are not here to judge. Congratulations to once and all. Let’s hop it works out. And if it doesn’t, Daniele’s may care to note that Arsenal’s football summer school kicks off as soon as mum drops off the stars of tomorrow….

Posted: 10th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother House Blown Up

BIG BROTHER is to be blown up.

The Star’s front page (“B.BRO BIG BLOW”) reports that in the Big Brother finale the house will be blown to smithereens.

Interesting stuff. And readers wonder if a jihadist will feature among this year’s housemates. Is the house to be blown up by this terrorist with all the inmates within? Or is it to be destroyed by a British bomber with a pinpoint missile strike?

Either way, casualties will be high. And we urge Big Brother to reconsider. The drive for more sensation should not be allowed to go too far.

Of course, on the upside, Big Brother will finally have to bite the bullet and replace Davina McCall as the show’s presenter.

But before the panic, and that emergency call to Kate Thornton, we learn that the truth may be less dramatic. The house’s planning permission expires on August 31. This is when Big Brother 8 ends.

After five years the show is moving to a new site. And this means the old house can either be moved brick by crock or destroyed.

As a source says: “The house has got to go and what better way to end the show than to have the place blown up or bring in a digger to demolish it?”

We begin to wonder. And we think that the best way to end the show would be for the BB house to remain in situ and handed over to Jade Goody and kin before being sealed shut.

What do you think the Big Brother house should become? Answers to usual address…

Posted: 10th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Sisters: Shilpa Shetty And Danielle Lloyd Collide

shilpa1.thumbnail Big Sisters: Shilpa Shetty And Danielle Lloyd CollideBIG Brother winner Shilpa Shetty is united with Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd.

In “Big SISTER”, the Star sees “Dani & Shilpa reunite on the red carpet”.

The carpet is not red because it has been steeped in the Big Brother agonists’ blood, or from the seeping wound on Dani’s legs. This is the London premier of Shilpa’s new film and Dani has arrived to offer her support.

“It’s a very special night for me,” says Dani, who does not feature in the film. “I’m so excited to be able to be here for Shilpa. Meeting her has been an amazing experience for me.”

The Sun has a picture of Shilpa, looking elegant and graceful, being swallowed up by Dani’s all-embracing bear hug. Dani smiles broadly. Her hands are clasped around Shilpa’s back, like a drowning woman finding salvation.

Shilpa wears a Sari with a bared midriff. Dani wears a black dress with bared legs, arse and newly enhanced cleavage.

“The last time I saw her was at the Celebrity Big Brother after-show party,” says Dani. “Someone took a Polaroid picture of us together with Shilpa’s mum. Now I keep it on my bedroom wall and it makes me smile.”

Perhaps Shilpa could pop round to chez Danielle and sign this happy snap. That way in years to come when Danielle has grown old – apart from her eternally youthful breasts, obviously – she can look at the picture and remember those great days when she was labelled a bigot and a bully.

One for the grandchildren…

Posted: 9th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


W*nkers!:Pete Bennett Signs With Guy Chambers

THEY said it would never last and they were right. Pete Bennett, aka Pete “Wankers” Bennett, has split from his band.

As reported over the news wires, Bennett is no longer fronting Daddy Fantastic and will embarking on a solo venture.

Coincidence indeed that with Big Brother 8 all set to begin, last year’s winner has signed with Guy Chambers, the songwriter who worked with Robbie Williams when the former Take That performer was any good.

Says a source: “This was totally unexpected and Pete has completely stabbed his bandmates in the back. They gave him their full backing in the Big Brother house. Now they’re gutted. They never thought he’d do this.”

No word yet from Pete. And we can only imagine what that word will be…

Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother Danielle Lloyd Is A Bloody Mess

danielle lloyd.thumbnail Big Brother Danielle Lloyd Is A Bloody MessBIG BROTHER bully emeritus and “Wag wannabe” Danielle Lloyd is bleeding.

In “DANI PAINTS THE TOWN BLOOD RED,” the Star spots Dani blowing £5,000 on a night out to celebrate “dumping” footballer Marcus Bent.

Dani is drinking Cristal champagne at London’s Paper club. A song comes on the juke box. This, says the Star, is her favourite. To the strains of what we imagine to be A Whiter Shade of Pale, Dani mounts a table and makes ready to dance.

The Star sees Dani lose her balance. But over at the Sun (“DANI HURT IN CATFIGHT OVER TWO PREM ACES”), Danielle is pushed off the table by a “mystery blonde”.

Dani is said to have angered this girl by flirting with footballers Jerome Thomas and Jermaine Pennant.

A source tells us: “This girl had spent all evening with them and was dancing on a table when Danielle rolled up, very drunk. Danielle was all over both the players. She kept pushing and bumping into the girl.”

Oh-oh.

“The blonde pushed Danielle off the table. Danielle cut her leg quite badly and left the club.”

Readers note that Danielle’s leg bleeds a red blood, same as you and me, same as Shilpa Shetty. Possibly the same Jade Goody, whose blood is believe to resemble a thick Chicken Masala sauce.

Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Hell’s Belles: Big Brother’s Wedding

“B.BRO BED & WED PLOT,” screams the Star’s headline.

Grab a hat, or failing that a condom and inflate it over your head, as we trip along to the first Big Brother wedding.

The paper says the show needs a happy event after the bullying and the racism of the last series. And failing Jade Goody’s televised stoning, what better way to bring good cheer than a wedding?

Says a source: “They want to have it in the house, but if that’s not possible the lucky couple will be blindfolded and whisked to a secret location.”

They will then exchange “I dos” before the gay farmer from Coquet island and a transsexual pet camel called Trinny are pronounced man and wife.

Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Colour Blind: Big Brother’s New Testcard

big brother.thumbnail Colour Blind: Big Brothers New TestcardSO keen is Big Brother to appear even handed and not in the least bit bigoted that this year’s logo will be multi-coloured eye.

In “THE BIG EYE-DEA” the Mirror hears from designer Daniel Eatock. He tells us that the brief was to “embrace all colours within the spectrum, opposites, complimentaries and all shades in between.”

That sounds a tricky challenge, until you realise that all a designer need to is take a look at the old BBC Testcard that used to stand for reality TV before 24-hour telly arrived.

And ensure the teddy being thrashed at a game of noughts and crosses by that blonde white girl isn’t a gollywog…

Posted: 8th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Les be Having You: Big Brother’s Nikki Kisses Up

REMEMBER Nikki Grahame, the shrill half-person from last year’s Big Brother who looked like a boil washed Vanessa Feltz?

If you had forgotten her, we apologise for reminding you of her.

The Star does recall the horror and it pictures Nikkkkkkki kissing a blonde at her 25th birthday bash.

Nikki’s kiss is closed mouth and aimed just above her target’s lips, at an area called the Immac zone.

Nikki is not available for comment. Which is good…

Posted: 7th, May 2007 | In: Big Brother TV | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0