Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
He now joins Lesley Brain on her sponsored walk to raise money for fallen Big Brother stars.
If there is shock to be found it is in Jonathan’s reason for leaving: his grandmother has died.
We do not wish to dwell on such matters but Jonathan is 49 years of age, a time when having living grandparents is more of a surprise then finding one of them toes up in the domino pile.
But Jonathan was never comfortable in the house. There is only limited pleasure to be had from watching Nikki bend over and dreaming of balmy days in your Portugal villa with Samanda, the Midwich Cuckoo, for company.
Jonathan is not an unlikeable character. Worrying eyebrows, of course. But his name alone, an abbreviated Jonathan with no ‘h’ in a sea of Billlllis, Nikkkkkis and Charleys marked him out as the embodiment of simpler times.
It’s just that having said he wanted to go a week or more back, and then changing his mind, and then, as the Sun says, sparking rumours of leaving to marry, he now suffers the loss of a dead grandma.
If I were Big Brother I’d want some sign of her passing, or a note from Jonathan’s mum.
BIG Brother calls Tracey into the Diary Room.
Tracey is offered £1,000, two extra nominations and an unlimited supply of tobacco!
“That’s a phat offer,” says Tracey. “A proper phat offer – you’ve done well. But nah, it’s not happening geezer. It’s. Just. Not. Happening.”
But it will happens. Having placed Carole in the firing line (see here), Big Brother is contriving to keep Charley in the house. It is trying to alter the nominations. Four votes for Tracey…
What can Big Brother do between now and Wednesday to fix the deal once more..?
Take your Anorak free £10 bet here…
For the second time she has been whisked from the Big Brother house for treatment. Chanelle has pains in her stomach. Chanelle, as is recorded here and elsewhere, fashions herself on Victoria Beckham. (Chanelle is 100-30 to be the top female and 11-10 for a top four finish with Anorak’s free £10 bet.)
Are the pains the result of over-eating and having a turbo-charged metabolism? The Big Brother doctors must decide. Maybe Chanelle should eat more?
For a clue to what might have pushed Chanelle over the edge, we see Charley (59-1 to win) celebrating her, er, 21st/22nd/45th birthday by filling a bucket with a memento of her birthday tea.
Laura passed out on the bathroom floor. No-one noticed. But at least it gives Laura a renewed purpose. Uses for Laura have been hard to come by. Although it worked for Glyn last year, being Welsh is not always enough. Laura (47-1 to come first) is now the only draught excluder in the village.
Plans to have Laura’s Wangers recalibrated to dispense curry sauce and ketchup are rumoured to be in the more advanced stages. There may well be more than one use for Laura. Ideas to the usual address.
Having been located – Big Brother told the housemates where she was – Laura was given a badge. Not one that said “Kick me” but one bearing the legend “sloth”.
Big Brother had provided Carole (37-1 for ultimate victory) with definitions of the seven deadly sins and told her to match the housemate with the sin.
She awarded the sloth gong to Laura. “What’s sloth anyway?” asked Laura. If she can be bothered, she can find out. But it’s unlikely she will.
This was of course Big Brother playing with Carole. Labelling Laura slothful, Tracy greedy, Amanda beset by pride, Nicky cursed by envy, Liam full of lust, Ziggy glutinous and Charley guilty of wrath, Big Brother has guaranteed that Carole will be up for eviction next week. The badge pinned to Carole’s top says “Mug”
Carole has already been up twice for eviction. And the thinking is that with one vote used up on her the housemates may not turn on Charley. The horror show may yet again escape.
Meanwhile Charley is reeling about the place dressed in a basque and invisible knickers.
She is tossing her guts into a bucket. Well, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go – unless Carole beats her to it…
DISGRACED Big Brother housemate Emily Parr invites Anorak readers to “Check me out! Get to know the real me…”
Emily Parr signs off her missive: “Love Emily x”. That “Love Emily” might be an order, less than a request. And given Emily’s love of black chat, the X might be her slave name. Emily X displays the absence of an inherited African name to take its place.
To make her point, Emily writes in six times. Emily is determined that we get to know the “real her”; for all we know the real Emily might be an easy-going lovable type, and not a pushy eager-to-be seen wannabe.
“I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE!,” says the title to Emily’s letter to the masses.
It quickly transpires that this is unlikely to be Big Brother’s Emily Parr at all. This is in all likelihood someone who wants to put the jackboot in on Emily Parr and do her no little damage.
Says this would-be Emily Parr: “I should point out that I am completely racist but so what? I’m Emily Parr so I do whatever I want. Besides black people aren’t as good as white people. I hate it when black people are confident. They want to be taken down a peg or two. They’re just jealous because I’m so beautiful.”
Anorak is no friend to Miss Parr but suggests that she finds out who is passing themselves of as her with malicious intent and invites them to “stick it out” for a good kicking.
And tell the police…
Let us know when you next see Tracey on the highlights show. She’s changing her look. So be aware…
ESSEX FM has begun a campaign to get Brian evicted from the Big Brother house. The radio station says Brian is so thick he shows Essex in a bad light.
But Brian’s mum Sue Smith believes he is simply playing the game.
“He’s being portrayed as the Essex idiot but he’s not thick,” says Sue. “It’s just a game show and he’s playing it. He is clever.”
Brtian’s aunt Rhona says: “He’s a genuinely nice lad. It’s a disgrace a radio show would be so disrespectful.”
Yeah. Show some R.E.S.P.C.T.
See Brian acting dumb like Olivier in Henry V here…
YOU won! Easy money, eh? The fringe has gone. Billi is no more.
It had been getting on so well with Charley’s pet hair. They would yap and yap and yap about all sorts of things. Rumours are they mated and produced a new beard for Jonathan/Carole/Ziggy/Liam – take your pick.
Don’t miss out next time. Open the account for free money…
IT happened last night. We warmed to Samanda. Not in a sweaty-handed way. Not like Jonathan.
Sat in the Dairy Room, Samanda was instructed to see if she could read minds. She laughed. She showed emotion. We have no idea what she said, but she said it with enthusiasm.
In a sea of mediocrity, it looked entertaining. And a welcome break from Charley’s histrionics. Charley is an impressive 9-1 for a top four finish. Seeing how she’s escaped eviction so far, it’s a bet to consider.
Samanda drew pictures. From now on it would be best if she communicated by doodle. We would get what she meant and feel more involved in the show. Of course, there are those who like Samanda for being blonde, lithe and young.
In the Sun, Samanda is on the bed wrestling with herself. Men living in seaside caravan parks on police sex registers will enjoy the view. They could go all the way. Take Samanda to win.
And certainly to get into the top four: Sam (11-8), Anda (4-5).
BIG Brother star emeritus Samuel Preston is pouring Chantelle Houghton’s belongings into a bin.
The Mirror looks on as Preston dumps his estranged wife’s stuff on the street.
A “homeless man appears”, one dressed in clean clothes and, perhaps, in the employ of a national newspaper. He rummages through the bags, one of which carries the logo of a firm “specialising in sexy lingerie and sex toys.”
He should wear gloves.
BRIAN to win (8-1):
As the Star reports (“PAY PER PHEW”), this premium rate channel will enable anyone unable to get porn on cable or via their PC to see Ziggy and Chanelle fumble under the covers.
A senior Channel 4 executive tells us: “It’s a bloody good idea and one that is under active consideration.”
Active eh? “This would be a great addition to our Big Brother service and would have a wide appeal for viewers wanting to take their voyeuristic tendencies a step further.”
While voyeurs put down their binoculars, step into the garden and peep through partly open curtains at Big Brother: After Dark, we actively see how the idea could be further developed.
Why not create a channel for each housemate, a version of Sky Sports’ Player Cam, enabling viewers to watch only one housemate all the time?
Billi TV. Carole Cam. Live Charley hair racing. Each one more successful than the next. And this also means Emily can get the TV career she wanted on Niggers Uncut.
Stick it out, Big Brother. So we can all see…
BIG Brother’s Imogen Thomas is showing the world her breasts. Star readers see Imogen dressed in a pair of tights and some knickers. Says Imogen: “They’re all natural, so why not show them off?” With Imogen entering the fourteenth minute of her fame, we await further naturalist moments…
We speak of Big Brother’s Chantelle and Preston who are to divorce a mere 10 months after tying the knot.
It all looked so promising for the reality TV star who married the singer she met on the show. With her blonde hair extensions and his one hit, they would remain at the summit of British celebrity for as long as they wanted.
It’s a sad day. But the Star resists all urges to throw a black cape around Chantelle’s naked shoulders, her naked bosom and her generously exposed rear.
It realises that as something dies, something else is born. What this something is remains to be seen. But hopes are of a presenting job on QVC for her and a starring role in the stage play Potts Of Gold, the real life story of Lenny Potts, the ‘legless’ South London teddy boy who raised money by sitting astride an upturned aeroplane propeller attached to an engine. Once strapped on, he would spin to the sound Danny & The Juniors while John Robertson, clad in his “Heaven’s Angels” jacket, collected money in his crash helmet.
Great days and no little adventure lie in wait for Chantelle and Preston. But now the couple have only a statement to make: “After much soul-searching ad tearful discussions, we have sadly decided to ends out marriage…
“We know people will think we married too quickly on the back of Big Brother, but we were genuinely in love at the time and we will never regret our time together.”
Jonathan wants to leave the house. He wants to join Lesley on her sponsored walk.
“I’m sorry if I’ve wasted everybody’s time,” he says.
“I don’t have any regrets. I feel like I’ve won Big Brother because I’ve got somewhere.”
Winner! Just what we were thinking…
GOODY-isms to date:
Laura: You know eggs? Are they vegetables?
Charley: I love Barbados
Shabnam: Yeah, the people have such spirit
Charley: Have you been
Billi: What’s the capital of Holland?
Brian: I’m going to be glamorous. G.L.A.M.O.R.S
Billi to go. Easy money for you…
WHAT’S Tracey Barnard smoking? It’s not tobacco. Smells like… Smells like… Basil. You can smoke cinnamon sticks…
Tracey’s not leaving the house. Not this week…
BACK slaps all round at Anorak Towers as we told you that Billi Bhatti would be up for eviction and Charley would not be.
It’s “Billi No Mates” the Sun says seven housemates nominate Zoolander for the push.
Chief reason given was that Billi has shifty eyes. This might explain why he wears sunglasses indoors. He’s not a complete berk after all, just crushingly self-aware and not wishing to cause offence.
But it was not enough. And now he’s up for the chop. Billi is at 1.07 on the Betfair markets. That’s 1-14 on. That means if you put £1 on Billi to go you win (a roll on the drums) 7 pence.
The minimum stake on Betfair is £2, which means you stand to win 14 pence.
Even tax free this is unlikely to alter your lifestyle unless you are Seány and can use it to buy a new yellow tracksuit.
But it is a very good bet. Open a Betfair account deposit your tenner and bet on the red-hot favourite, Billi. To date both Shabnam and Seány have been well ahead of the field at eviction time. Both went.
Billi will go. He’s about as popular as a wasabi enema. Up against the likeable Tracey and hard-to-dislike Carole, he’s a shoo-in.
Take the bet. Then qualify for your free £10. Easy. The money goes straight into your account.
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Billi, Tracey and Carole have all been nominated for eviction. Chaley was too. But Billi’s votes were discounted. Told you.
Anorak scoops them all. Did you bet on Billi like we said? Course you did…
Anorak – first for Big Brother news…
The 3rd eviction market suggests there will be three housemates up for the public vote this week – Billi (2.8), Charley (1.9) and Nicky (10). As a result, both Billi and Charley’s outright price has been pushed out to 100 and 85 respectively, though Nicky remains solid at around 40.
Elsewhere, Liam continues to be Mr Popular with all and sundry and is now a very short looking 4.5 to win. The only other notable movement is that of Welsh windbag Laura, who did a sterling job of keeping everyone awake during the task and has lengthened to 55 from 42.
But if he’s there, the girls should carry on regardless. And if that means cavorting about in bikinis and posing for lipstick lesbo shots for lads’ mags, then so be it.
Jonathan will not interfere – unless, of course, the girls want him to…
IF Charley goes, what will Big Brother be left with?
It’s time to nominate and Charley’s name is repeating like last night’s king prawn madras.
She’s sure to be up for the public vote. And the public are sure to vote her out.
And now Charley is 4-5 favourite to go next, ahead of Billi Zoolander on 9-4.
But think on. Rumours are that Billi has erred. That Billi has nominated. That Billi has been discussing nominations, breach of the rules. That Billi’s nominations are to be discounted. That Billi voted for Charley.
There is now the chance that Charley will not be up for the chop. And Billi will be.
Billi is not dislikeable. But he’s not all that likeable either. Wold he be missed if he were not in the house? No. The advice is to back Billi for the chop and take a smaller bet on Jonathan at 28-1. Get your free £1o bet here…
THE housemates need to stay awake for 60 hours, or 10 weeks. In They Shoot Horses, Don’t They, the contestants get to dance. Tracey can dance if she wants to.
But she’s not brought her jester’s hat and whistle. So instead she moans.
“What a load of s***,” observes Tracey, as if eyeing a handful of grass seeds and litmus paper.
“You ain’t happy love,” wondered Brian, who speaks in 1950s Cockney couplets, think Bernard Breslaw in Carry on Camping.
“There’s such sketchy ******* people in the Living Area,” said Tracey. “It ***** me off. They’ve set us up right for nomination, eh? People just give up so ******* easily, that’s what annoys me – know what I mean?”
Tracey’s gone hardcore. No minicab for her. She’s been waiting for this her whole life. She can do it. And afer forty-odd hours with out sleep she may even get a light buzz on.
Now if someone can just tread went mud onto her bed, feed her meat alternatives shaped to look like meat and scream “Mental!” in her ear, she can pretend she’s at Glastonbury…
THE general weariness of this year’s Big Brother, and the public apathy toward it, is reflected in the free bet market with no real stand out movements. This time around, it appears to be the tedious little melodramas, blotting the housemates’ otherwise mind-numbing day, that are affecting prices.
Consequently, pretty boy Billi has steadily been pushed out over the weekend from an in-with-a-chance-mate 28 to a see-you-later-sunshine 75.
The unsuccessful, yet still incredibly vain model is seemingly intent on challenging the consistently diva-like Charley for the crown of most reviled housemate – upping the stakes when it comes to self-obsession, irrationality and confrontation.
Unsurprisingly, the pair are now duking it out for favouritism in the 3rd eviction market, with Charley presently around 2.3 to go and Billi at 3.3.
In possibly the most inane task yet, housemates will have to stay awake for a total of 50 hours.
Surely BB is being ironic here? With absolutely nothing going on and half the nation switching off, it may be no shock to see a housemate or five walk, particularly given they still believe that the £100k prize fund is already in the firm grip of the obligatory northern bit of rough, Liam.
Given this, punters may be wise to snap up the 4.0 currently on offer for a housemate to walk this week. What to give for them all packing their bags and heading home…
Seány is Big Brother reject Seány O’Kane. And news is that he’s not in the least bit gay. His dad says it was all an act.
“My son’s not gay, it was all a game plan,” says Sean O’Kane, a name that suggest why Seány (with a Y) finds it so hard to be his own man.
Says Sean: “I know he kissed Gerry but he is no gay. He was doing it for the cameras.”
Of course, there is a chance that dad Sean is in denial, that he cannot face up to the painful truth that Irishman Seány’s sickness/perversion/wickedness is against the teachings of the Church.
But we have seen Seány in action. And there is reason to believe he would try whatever it takes if he thinks it will make him look more interesting and edgy.
But Seány is gay. “I spoke to my father on the phone within hours of coming out of the house,” says he. “It was a very emotional call. I told him it was true I was gay and he said he was proud of me.”
Aye. A gay man in the house. And one who like Michael Jackson and was once a Muslim and has dabbled with heterosexuality.
“I would have liked it if he had some home with Chanelle under his arm,” says dad Sean, perhaps picturing Chanelle trussed up in a carpet ready to be rolled out at his feet.
But Seány came home alone. The one man ethnic quota is the person viewers wanted out of the house. There is only so much of the black, gay, Kylie-loving, French, adopted, lesbian, OAP Scientologist we can stand…
Danny is with the Coldstream Guards in Thetford.
Having split from her latest footballer, Dani is looking to concentrate on her career as an Army mascot. The ceremonial goat may have bigger udders, but Dani plans to give the boys a bigger horn.
“It is amazing to think that these lads will soon be on the frontline with people trying to kill them,” says Dani, dressed in a khaki vest.
The boys should put in for a transfer and get their agent to negotiate a better boot deal.
Danielle has asked that she gets to see the boys, “her boys”, in Afghanistan.
We urge them to accept the offer.
Afghani football and the players could do with boost. The team is currently the 186th best in the world, above the mighty Somalia but below the Vanuatu infidels and the godless Cayman Islands.
Danielle might just be the fillip the team has been looking for…