Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
WHO knew Victoria Beckham had a fan? Well, she does. Her name is Chanelle. And she is in the Diary Room.
Listen up and imagine Her Poshenss saying the words:
“I think I labelled a person wrongly – I didn’t think I trusted Charley and I thought she was trying to split the group.”
“What I saw yesterday was probably just Charley being excited… and overwhelmed with the situation. From what I’ve seen today, she’s a nice girl who is kind and sympathetic to other people and has a laugh.”
An old stager like Logo Chanelle can handle the cameras. Like Beckham Logo has her own camera crew, or at least a willing mum and dad with a sound boom fashioned from a teddy on a stick and a handycam.
Charley with a “Why?” is proud of her vital statistics, specifically her being related to Manchester United footballer Kieran Richardson, pneumatic breasts (two) and a habit of biting the hair from her fingers.
(Readers should note that said hair is believed to sprout from the back of Charley’s hands but these are early days in the polemic and we await developments.)
Charley is also a warning made so much flesh to ceremonial guardsmen as to what can occur if they clean their bearskins on a hot wash and over blow dry. Viewers have not seen hair like Charley’s since chimney sweeps were in their pomp.
This is Charley with a Why.
And the former lap-dancer is showing the world her “SECRET SEXY PICS” on the Star’s cover page. Look on as Charley bares her knickers-clad backside and pushes her breasts together in the manner of a Mediterranean farmer selling water melons at the roadside.
Sun readers get to see “Peek-a-boob” Charley as her twin fruits pop out of her gold top at a party for rapper P Diddy.
And hear an ex-lover say: “She was insatiable. One night we went to a party and ended up in the bedroom. She stripped and I took the camera out. She loved it.”
And: “She made it clear it was not an exclusive relationship. She wanted casual sex. She loved watching porn and acting out what was on screen. She’s going to make a hell of a ripple in the Big Brother house.”
Not a ripple, we’d suggest, more of a stain on the couch. Or an unsightly splash.
So much for Charley Uchea. Or Ichea…
Charley to win?Get your FREE bet here…
And – shock of shocks – it turns out that Chanelle, Charley and Emily all have secrets to shock and then shock some more.
Emily Parr is a young Conservative. In her formative years she wrote the ‘Blue Book’, a manifesto for the Tory Party in the 21st Century and beyond. Emily hopes to use Big Brother as a springboard to her ‘new way’.
Charley Ichea can play the spoons. And not just any spoons but big spoons, serving spoons and ever slatted spoons. Citing her hero as Clive Dunn, Charley says her dream is to win Big Brother and “Spoon For Peace” at the Princess Diana Memorial Concert.
Chanelle Hayes’ secret is that when she was aged eight everyone called her Nik. But then for some mad reason they started calling her Nikki. But never Nicola.
Of course these secrets have yet to rise to the surface. And the Sun has to make do with:
Emily: “Posh totty Emily Parr, 19, stripped off and snorted coke for a lesbian sex session with a pal!”
Charley: went to her a party where her top fell off!
Chanelle: The Victoria Beckham lookalike “had sex on a bus and spices up her love life by playing the violin”. Air on a G-string – in an actual G-string. What an act.
More shock to follow…
MORE news on the life of Big Brother star Danielle Lloyd. When we left Dani she was in Miami with footballer Marcus Bent. Dani is STILL in Miami, from where the Sun says she is “boycotting” Big Brother.
And while Big Brother struggles on without Dani, Dani struggles into a pink bikini.
“I reckon her teeny weeny pink bikini is at least two sizes too small,” says the Sun’s bikini-watcher in the know.
An onlooker says: “They looked very happy together. They spent the day kissing and cuddling in the pool.”
More to follow…
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TRACEY: “Everyone of you is make-up involved.” Can you be involved with your make-up? And when does involvement become a full-fledged affair? Answers in lippy to the usual address…
It won’t be too long before the ‘L’ plate is out, Greenham Common protestor emeritus Carole is dancing around with an inflatable Cruise missile tethered to her throat, born-to-lapdance Charley is wrapped around a telegraph pole with Tracey sniffing at her PVC chaps.
And here come the Sun to focus its front page on “BEAUTIES AND THE BEASTS.”
Which is which is unclear.
The Sun employs a colour-code system, printing half the housemates’ names in pink, the other half in blue.
Amanda & Sam – both Pinky and Perky – are in pink. So is Emily, who gives herself a score of 10 out of 10 for intelligence. So is Shabnam, Anorak’s early favourite. But then so is Laura and so is Lesley. Are they the beauties? And if so, are Charley and ‘Cheesy Quaver’ Tracey beasts?
Already the show is in maelstrom of debate. And before the male stripper arrives on Friday, the Sun focuses on the “sexy wannabes” in the all-girl house.
There’s Chanelle Hayes, who models herself on Victoria Beckham and has had sex upstairs on a bus. Whether or not Chanelle would have behaved in such a fashion without the Posh influence is uncertain.
And then there are Amanda and Sam, what tabloid writers will surely name the ‘Twincredibles’. Aged 18, Pinky & Perky like to go out of an evening dressed in skimpy Santa outfits and as Bunny Girls. Life for P&P is one long Hen Night. They should never tire of screeching, saying how “brill-i-ant!” everything is and drinking day-glo drinks. Slim odds on them achieving the dream and turning hobby into livelihood?
And Lesley Brain will take it all in. The Brain, 60, has written erotic fiction for Black Lace books. These are the tomes you see at airports and railway station shops, the covers illustrated by a woman in suspenders.
Look out for The Brain’s write-‘n’-tell confessions in the serialised “GIRLS NIGHT IN”: raunchy tales of life in a shared house. In hard cover…
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STARTING tomorrow Big Brother’s Kinga Karolczak will be writing for the Daily sport. Says Kinga:” I want to put the wine bottle incident behind me…”
Age: 53 years
Occupation: Young people’s sexual health and HIV worker – unemployed
“I am gonna shake it something rotten and they will be shaking s***less. If people want an argument, here’s the f***ing argument!”
Future: A ringtone
Boasting an incessantly hectic lifestyle, she has been a protestor at everything from the Greenham Common Women’s Peace Camps to more recent anti-war rallies, but is a member of The Socialist Workers’ Party, Respect, Unison, Action For South Africa, the Stop The War coalition, among many others. She has also been a foster carer. Carole says the person she’d most like to meet is Nelson Mandela, and says she was driven to join George Galloway’s Respect party after Tony Blair sent troops to Iraq.
Carole has been promising herself a tattoo or piercing for a while and might go ahead with it for her next birthday, and she thinks Peter Kay and Ricky Gervais are geniuses. She even admits that 20 years ago she sang in a band called Fancy Footwork.
She’s a massive fan of the programme and wants Big Brother to change her life. She wants to bring important issues into the public eye, wants some excitement and to maybe find love in the house.”
Occupation: Accounts Executive in a bank
“People seem confused about my identity – I’m not confused. It would be nice to explain to everyone, once and for all, what I’m about.”
Big Brother career: Lesley’s first patient in the BB rehab clinic
Nicky was born in Mumbai and adopted from Mother Teresa’s orphanage in India when she was one. Her adoptive parents are Irish and Anglo-Indian. She has been in her job for nine years – arranging company cars in a retail, business and corporate bank. She studied floristry for two years and is currently learning Spanish.
Nicky describes herself as “crazy, sexy, cool, unique, creative and spontaneous”. She likes to shake up people’s expectations. “I’m Catholic and not Muslim or Hindu, I go out and drink and smoke and party hard.” Love, she thinks, is “for losers”. She hates men – “nasty little creatures – I can’t tolerate them at the moment”, although admits she’d love to pull Calum Best.
Nicky recently dropped four dress sizes and abseiled down her local shopping centre for charity. Her party trick is a rendition of The Cheeky Girls and she is addicted to electro music and hot sauces. “Spongers, scroungers and nose-picking” are Nicky’s pet hates, and in the house she predicts she’ll be irritated by selfishness and unwillingness to help out or take part.
“I’m not someone to be ignored. I will get my point across,” Nicky declares. “I have lots of leadership skills. If people carry on ignoring me, I’ll release my inner bitch.” She predicts she may get nominated by others because of jealousy, for being too straight-talking or for her penchant for extreme cleaning.
From: South Wales
“I talk too fast, I talk too much … I’ve always got something to say”
Big Brother Career: Hanging basket.
Walk on part in Little Britian.
Celebrity cemetery – Laura’s guide to tombstone sex
Laura is currently a nanny, but her dream in life is to become an embalmer as she believes strongly that when you’re dead you should still look good. She also volunteers at a local cemetery clearing leaves, and her ambition is to one day own her own funeral home.
She is staunchly anti-smoking as she hates the smell, and the whole idea of passive smoking. She’s also not a great fan of alcohol and can get drunk on just one pint. People tell Laura she reminds them of Little Britain character Vicky Pollard, and she’s also told that she looks like comic Peter Kay.
Laura admits her nickname is “Wangers” because of her large breasts and is a fan of Bon Jovi, Roxette and Lionel Ritchie. She says the proudest moment of her life was when she was voted Student of the Year at age 16.
Laura describes herself as “happy, happy, happy” and says she’s “friendly, happy, too chatty and nice”. Laura says that looking good is important to her and she “never leaves the house without washing her hair or putting fake tan on.”
She thinks she’d make a brilliant housemate and that being in the house would help her learn to deal with others. She thinks she’ll be one of the top 10 housemates ever.
Motto: “I don’t do losing. I win. Team Emily”
BB achievement: Inventing skinny jeans
The Fall Out: Emily’s giggling in Auschwitz
Emily says she was reading from the age of two and gives herself 10 out of 10 for intelligence. This is all part of her very honest attitude to life, and she says “honesty gets me into trouble – teachers hated me for being so honest. Friends like me for being honest. I expect honesty back”.
Having been involved in drama and the theatre since she was five years old, she now believes that her future lies in the fashion industry and is applying to do a fashion course. She says her dream job would be running a magazine or fashion label.
Politically, she considers herself to be right wing and will be voting Conservative in the next election. She says she has no time for benefit cheats, and believes everyone has a right to education, to make money and to keep it.
Her family lived in Puerto Rico for four years but are now back in the UK. Emily and her “gorgeous” 17-year-old twin sisters are known as “the Hilton sisters of Bristol”.
She’s a big Blondie fan, and her current favourite music includes Lily Allen, and new rave acts like CSS and the Klaxons. Her motto is “Live life to the fullest, like it’s your last. Enjoy what’s around you and what’s given to you”.
She thinks Big Brother will change her life, and looks like a big adventure. She believes she’ll be the housemate the public want to watch and would want to be friends with.
From: North London
Occupation: Temp receptionist
“I am an enigma, I’m striking in my presence. People love to talk to me and are drawn to me.”
Big Brother Career: Robbie Williams restraining order.
Future: Shabnam ‘n’ Flaky double act in which Shabnam befriends her dandruff and embarks on madcap adventures.
Shabnam lives at home with her mother, who she gets on with like a sister. She loves people who like their food, especially chocolate, and describes herself as “full of life, vivacious, nuts, passionate, inimitable and striking”. She’d like to be reincarnated as “another enigma” such as Michael Jackson or Johnny Depp.
Shabnam’s main ambition is to travel the world and enjoy life – she wants adventure and spontaneity and her philosophy is “to live each moment to the full, because the moment never comes again.” An energetic chatterbox, make-up mad Shabnam feels people may nominate her for being messy and because her zest for life and high energy might irritate them. “Housemates that would annoy me would be the ones who don’t listen to me…I should really be listened to because I talk a lot of sense.” She adds that she doesn’t like passive people and has a phobia of bees.
Shabnam lasted two days working in McDonalds and once worked in a toy department where she dressed up as Hello Kitty and Mr Men characters. She has never voted because she can’t be bothered.
She thinks Big Brother will let her “fascinating personality” shine through. “You can’t act on Big Brother – you have to be yourself. There is no other way to win.”
“I would either like to be famous and rich… or a speech therapist in Spain”
Chanelle is utterly obsessed with Victoria Beckham and wants to move to Madrid and then LA just like her idol. She recently had her ‘pob’ cut short and bleached blonde to look like Victoria. Chanelle once queued up for hours to meet her heroine at Selfridges, would love to be a professional Victoria Beckham look-a-like – and says she’s definitely not a fan of Rebecca Loos.
She is doing her A-levels and would like to be a speech therapist in Spain, as she loves the country, the climate and culture. She plays the violin to Grade 7, but admits she doesn’t practise as much as she should.
On how she views herself, Chanelle says “I think my personality is fantastic, I wouldn’t change it for anything … but I don’t like my thighs”. She says she is intelligent but lacks common sense, and is “bubbly, crazy, fun, dramatic, over the top”. But she warns that she also holds a grudge.
Chanelle wants to do Big Brother for the fame. “I want people to like me, I want to meet new people, I want to be recognised in the streets”. She says she would like to win, but it’s not hugely important to her. She says that she “would like to find a rich boyfriend to take her to the Dominican Republic over Christmas.”
“I’m a raver, man – I’m a cheesy quaver…I buzz off anything and any one.”
A self-styled hippy raver from a small village in Cambridgeshire, Tracey has collected carrier bags since she was six and says she has never switched on a computer. She has never been on a plane but hears that Goa is a “phat place to be.”
Big Brother Career: Acid tampon.
Woman and captain of Arsenal ladies.
British theme pub and saviour of post-cigarette ban hospitality industry.
Tracey’s dream job is an actress but she is happy with cleaning for now. “I love my Hoover, love my polish.” In five years’ time she’d simply like to be in a shed with running water and an unblocked toilet. Although she likes to keep her hair nicely styled, she has not worn make-up for 15 years and admits to being slack in terms of looking after herself.
Passive, party-loving and peace-loving Tracey says, “I go out havin’ it every weekend in a field, get on it, get in the stack and buzz like!” She adds, “I like people to be happy – I don’t do anger, it’s not in my world.” Drunks, proper mess and laziness make her angry. She also feels strongly about humans killing the planet and is passionate about keeping the monarchy.
Tracey’s entering the Big Brother house “For the phat experience.”
From: South London
“I’m trendy, I’m wild, argumentative – I speak so much. I’m flirtatious and I’m hot.”
Hair: Appearing nightly at Walthamstow dog track – look at the ‘Wagging Wag’ go!
Future: The new Bobby Charlton
Charley still lives at home with her mum. She dropped out of art college, has been sacked from numerous jobs and is currently unemployed. Her cousin Kieran Richardson plays for Manchester United and she often goes bar-hopping with him in Manchester, where he introduces her to “hot balleters”.
A sleep-walker and talker, Charley is not a morning person. She has an intense phobia of spiders, is dreading the imminent smoking ban and also believes in ghosts. Having no job does not curb her social life. “I go to celeb hangouts and meet great people”. She also loves watching The Jeremy Kyle Show and Little Britain.
Charley is very competitive – she says she always has to win. She craves the limelight and has always wanted to be a singer. She rates herself 10/10 for attractiveness and ruthlessness. Charley will amuse herself in the house by “dancing, singing and getting on people’s nerves” but thinks her housemates will nominate her for being argumentative and unable to cook.
Occupation: Retired headhunter
Status: Married – with two children and two grandchildren
The British public will either love me or hate me – either way they’ll want to keep me in… I think there’s a strong possibility that I’ll win.”
Big Brother Career: Taking the piss out of dumb animals.
Big Brother Exit: Quiet. And on leaving before we could really get stuck into her:
“I would like to say thank you for the opportunity. It has been a wonderful opportunity – however short, in terms of the whole programme – I appreciate that. So thank you. I think I would like to say that I believe I could have won it or certainly been there towards the end … I actually think one way or another I could have won it”.
BB achivement: Taking the piss
The future: Presenting the celebrity WI feature on This Morning; Magistrate
Owner of the Crystal Maze lapdancing emporium.
“I like to think that I’m intelligent, eccentric, perhaps a little unpredictable,” says Lesley, a member of the Women’s Institute. She has been married twice, first at 16, and her second husband is 23 years her senior.
Lesley ran her own recruitment business for 20 years. She also worked as a Cambridge don and set up a marriage agency for successful divorced people. She and her husband recently returned from a six-year spell living in Portugal, where she tried her hand at stand-up comedy.
Lesley’s tastes range from Michelin-starred restaurants to fish and chips, and she enjoys dinner parties and country house weekends. She has a personal trainer and a cook – “I don’t do anything domestic” – and devours Victorian literature, Dickens being her favourite. Harvey Nichols is her big love but she hates music as it’s “distracting”.
Lesley claims to be honest and honourable, and says she’d hate to share the house with “no-hopers”. She hates “negative under-achievers, arrogance, people without ambition and people who don’t try.” She predicts she’ll be the “safe older woman” in the house, but admits, “I do have terrible temper tantrums. If I don’t like something and I don’t want to do it, the bottom lip starts wobbling…faux crying…”
Name: SAM AND AMANDA (Twins)
Status: Both single
“If there’s only one fit boy in the house we’ll share him, definitely! He’ll never know the difference!”
Big Brother career: I cannot understand a word they say
These inseparable, bubbly, chatty twin blondes describe themselves as “Twincredible”. Always giggling and finishing each other’s sentences, they even have their own “Twin Song” they sing to introduce themselves to boys.
Sam and Amanda both study Social Work at Manchester Metropolitan University. They often get called “The Terrible Twins” in their university halls because of the noise they make, and their rooms are inspired by “Barbie” – all pink and fluffy.
The girls – whose mum is a Big Brother addict – are never separated and always talk about themselves as “us” and “we”, never in the singular. They both work as promotions girls at a nightclub and believe that women should never have to pay for drinks.
The twins “find politics confusing and wouldn’t know who to vote for”. Before the Big Brother audition process, they had never been abroad, but would love to go to New York “because there are so many shops”.
CELEBRITY Big Brother survivor Ken Russell delivered the show’s greatest ever parting line: “I’ve left my slippers underneath the chaise longue.” Now Ken is to be interviewed on stage at the National Film Theatre by Melvyn Bragg. Bring your slippers…
MORE from Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd. Still in Florida with her footballer, Danielle (it’s Thursday so it’s the pink bikini) tells us: “Marcus has been taking in a lot of sights and doing a bit of work, so I’ve had more sunbathing time than him.” Stay tuned…
TRACEY is “avinit”. She’s a cleaner in tune with the vapours of her products.
And she looks just like Tony Adams, the old England and Arsenal captain. This is her…
Is she still talking? It’s the start of the show. And all we have is Davina. And more Davina. She’s showing us round the house. Any moment now someone’s going to make an offer on it and Phil and Kirsty will sell it. Or Sarah Beeny’s going to pop up and critisise the lay out. She’s still talking…
Charlie is, of course, a girl, an apparent truth supported by the exposure of the greater part of her breasts and thighs on the Sun’s front page. But this is Big Brother and we must be shy of making early judgements.
Charlie, described as “gorgeous” and “gobby”, has “several celebrity links”.
As well as being a relative of Manchester United makeweight Richardson, Charlie is on tanning terms with David Beckham’s sister Joanne. And – shock of shocks – Charlie is thought to have stepped out with a few footballers.
And then we enter a strange world of the Big Brother star emeritus and the wannabe.
The Sun journeys back in time to an age when Big Brother’s Saskia Howard-Clarke dreamed of getting ‘em out for the lads in a professional capacity and achieving no little stardom.
Big Brother housemate Saskia was at footballer Jermaine Pennant’s 24th birthday party. The Sun recalls how one of Saskia’s friends argued with Charlie. There is talk of fighting. Blood. Saskia is hit on the head by a bottle. Police.
The Big Bother gene pool is shrinking. Stars mingle with wannabes. And Charlie will appear on this year’s show under the alias “Danni”.
Which throws up problem: how will she be spotted among all the other Dannis , Nikkis and Armanis?
As the Mirrors’ front page reports, the first 12 contestants to enter the Big Brother house will all be women.
These are the 12 “Big Sisters”. After a few weeks, they will be evicted en masse and a load of lads will move in.
It’ll be like watching the goings on a seaside boarding house on Stag and Hen weekenders.
Last one to the cowboy hat and inflatable penis is a loser…
IMOGEN Thomas has not slept with Russell Brand. This is in direct opposition to the story that Imogen Thomas (book now for panto, children’s parties and tombola spinning) did sleep with Russell Brand.
“Firsty, I have not slept with Russell Band,” says Imogen in the Daily Sport. “I did not bed him. He did not bed me.”
And even if she did: “I never kiss and tell, even if sometimes other people do.”
But what of her reputation?
Imogen: “I hope the fans who know and love me with continue to do so.”
Over to you Doris and Galloway the cat…