Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
OK! had already gone to print and been overtaken by Kerry’s fast-paced life.
This was a lost opportunity. But Kerry went to hospital and there was nothing short of a miracle. Doctors discovered the baby’s heartbeat. And that meant it was alive.
Kerry had not had a miscarriage.
It had all been a terrific mistake.
And so the hard work begins as Max calls around the newspapers to tell them that despite stories to the contrary (see early editions), his client and, lest we forget, dear friend, was still with child.
To the presses with the joyous news…
This is no searching question, and while commentators will wonder if he is more the brand than the man, Ted Beckham simply asks: “Who is David Beckham?”
Ted’s recent heart attack has left him with memory loss. As the Sun says (“DAD’S BECKS BLANK”), Ted even forgot his son’s name.
A source tells us: “After Ted came round from this operation he struggled to recognise his family. David, Jo and Lynne were all incredibly upset.”
There is no little concern that Ted’s confusion will be agitated by his son’s billing as Becks, Day-vid and Mr Posh.
But help is at hand in the shape of no less than two David Beckham autobiographies, back copies of the Sun newspaper and Sky TV retrospectives on the Beckham Years, featuring interviews with Rebecca Loos, Sir Alex Ferguson and the man who gave David his first tattoo.
One thing that Ted may struggle with is, of course, the bald truth that David is a footballer and plays for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Best to leave that insight for anther time, lest Ted become disorientated and wonder if the world has gone mad…
Adele Silva is happy “being single”. Adele “SAVOURS HER NEW FREEDOM”.
That should quiet the rumour mongers. We can now dismiss the gossip about the actress attempting to place her head in the oven in unseen footage of Hell’s Kitchen. Adele is happy.
And she doesn’t care who knows it.
The revelations so not stop there.
Charlotte Church and a radiant Gavin Henson are in deep “JOY” with their new baby. She’s called Ruby. And she’s a diamond.
Charlotte gave birth in a birthing pool. It was to have been a bed but what with global warming and all…
Geri Halliwell IS on a sunshine holiday with her daughter Bluebell. No, make that Geri Halliwell is on a SUNSHINE holiday WITH her daughter Bluebell. There is revealing and there is knowing how to reveal.
And there’s Brad Pitt telling Hello! that “HE’S JUST A NORMAL DAD”. Brad wears a clean blue T-shirt and tells us: “Fatherhood is not an overnight thing at all – more like a gradual learning process of what it means, defining for yourself what kind of father you want to be, how to fell worthy of carrying the name of ‘father’.”
Lines not plucked from Pitt’s role in Troy but from his own mouth, unscripted and off the cuff.
Words that any normal father hears and nods along to…
They are a revelation…
Aniston and Affleck are indeed close. As the National Enquirer’s front page screams: “ANISTON & AFFLECK FLIRTING WITH DISASTER.”
And when Affleck does disaster everyone suffers – who can forget Pearl Harbor?
Trembling, we turn the page and learn that – get this – the picture is from a film Aniston and Affleck are working on together.
What price that the woman who starred in The Break Up and then Broke Up (!) with Vince Vaughn will now appear in the film He’s Just Not That Into You and find that – whoaah! – Ben is just not that into her!
A set insider tells us: “They hang out together, eat together and go off on walks tougher.”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
A magazine has apparently banded them the “New Bennifer”.
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
“Meanwhile, Ben’s holding, kissing and even doing passionate honeymoon scenes with her!”
But He’s Just Not That Into You!
And He’s Not That Into You Too!
Dr Miriam Stoppard is considering the Britney Spears issue in the Mirror. She is the paper’s agony aunt, and what is Spears’s life but one of abject agony.
Dr Miriam says Los Angeles Judge Scott Gordon is not an “ass” and found in favour of the children’s father, one K-Ferret.
“Nevertheless,” says the doctor, “one quakes” for the boys. She notes that K-Ferret and Spears are “reprobate parents”. Britney is “drug-sodden”. She is “weak, self-deluded and wholly irresponsible, dangerously so”.
Dr Miriam must leave it there to go and open her postbag. A girl’s boyfriend has been calling gay chat phone lines and a woman wonders why her child’s eczema seems to get better if the mother is enjoying herself, even if she’s not with her.
And while Miriam’s duty calls, the Star watches Britney slope off. After losing her two sons, Britney heads to the Bel-Air beauty salon for a fake baking. She wears a short white skirt that barely covers her bum, or ass, as Dr Miriam might call it.
The Star says: “Mum Brit is in freefall.”
And in the Sun, Britney’s aunt Chanda McGovern says: “We are very worried that things are going to spiral out of control…we are worried about suicidal tendencies in her.”
Dr Miriam is not around just now. But we, acting as her receptionist, urge Britney to wait…
“Britney loses her children,” says the Mirror, and we know that it has.
But the panic does not last for long as the Sun tells us that the children have been found and are now in the “physical custody” of Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline.
Federline, aka The Rapping Rodent, aka K-Ferret, is now legally allowed to raise sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, to construct them in his own image.
Many will have to put their concerns to one side, dismiss thoughts of the little lambs being at large dressed in white vests and pointed beards, because, as a source says: “We are all fearing for Britney and this will be the final straw for her.”
“SUICIDE FEAR FOR BRITNEY,” says the Sun. The Mirror says Britney is “beyond inconsolable”.
And: “She has not stopped crying since she found out. It hasn’t sunk in yet…a life without them is unimaginable for her.” As ever: “The boys are her life.”
Overlooked is the need to say that Britney is lost. And realise that this is an interim order and full custody of the children will be decided at a later date.
In the meantime, we need to find Britney. And find her spokesman, who, as the Sun reports, “was not available last night”.
Fears are that they too are lost…
The Sun hears Ted Beckham sit up in bed and tell the world “I’ll be okay”. The paper says that Ted even made it to wave off Posh ‘n’ Becks from the carpark.
As a hospital insider let’s us know: “David was very sweet and brought Ted some home-made fruit punch and a salad. Posh even took off her sunglasses when she reached the ward.”
Of course, she may have replaced them with still bigger lenses, especially since, as the Mirror reports, Posh and her Spice Girls entourage are collaborating with fly-eyed Bono, Mr G9 himself.
But that for later. For now, as the Star notes, “Posh Is Beck To Normal”, manfully refusing to smile as she jets off her to resume her amazing life in Los Angeles.
Says an onlooker: “They were holding hands like newlyweds but you could see the strain in their faces.”
And with that Her Poshness puts her sunglasses back on…
A fetishism suggests itself. All the more so when we learn that the Big Brother star emeritus’s new man is a dog. And not just any dog but a Pomeranian called Trouble.
What consenting adults get up to behind closed doors defies our judgement but this news invites Trouble, which is something Dani appear to be encouraging, given her pose which the Anorak postboy informs us is “doggy-style”.
“At first Trouble was so good and timid that I thought I might have to change his name,” says Danielle. “But now he’s into everything. He got to my red bra and knickers set the other day.”
“I couldn’t stay cross with him though, he’s just so incredibly cute.”
In “BECKS: My guilt over dad” the News of the World says “DAVID BECKHAM is haunted by guilt and believes it is HIS fault that his dad suffered a near-fatal heart attack.”
A source says Day-vid feels bad for “cancelling” on his dad, for not being closer to him.
The NOTW tells us: “He and wife Victoria have taken solace in religion, praying in a multi-faith room which has crosses and Bibles available in a box.”
This is the Beckhams in their time of private grief. Pull of a throne-shaped pew. Empathise.
David and Victoria are united in their moment of pain. Says a source: “She’s been a rock for David. She keeps telling him, ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, stop having a guilt trip—it’s not your fault.’”
Vicky has been forced to cut short a promotional trip to Japan. But she doesn’t blame Dave.
“The two of them have been sitting in the corridor together and she clasps his hand in hers. David’s like a little lost lamb at the moment.”
Touching stuff. And how does the NOTW trail this story? Why, with the line: “David opens heart”.
To remember in all our prayers: David’s father, who art in hospital, hallowed be thy turf…
Teenage boys and men with sweaty palms on caravan sites in Rhyl hear you, Angelina.
Angelina, of course, is no man. She is all woman, which is why she can engage in lesbianism, as OK! notes, and Priapic youths and men on government registers cannot.
“l’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, everything,” says Angelina. “But the one that had the worst effect on me was pot. I felt silly and I hate feeling like that.”
Angelina is not silly. She buckles up. Clunk. Click. Every trip. “I don’t do drugs. I don’t intentionally ride a motorcycle without a helmet. I will always be careful.”
One wonders how you can unintentionally ride a motorcycle, with or without a helmet? Angelina should be yet more careful, particularly when sitting on revved-up motorcycles. No joke. We’re serious.
But tiredness can get in the way of the best laid plans. And Angelina admits that children can take the spark out of love.
“Obviously your intimacy is not the same,” she tells OK!. “You are always engrossed and often you collapse with exhaustion in the evening.”
And it’s not all travelling the world that takes it out of Jolie. There are children to look after. And chances are the help is just as tired as she is…
No lightweight in the celebrity kitchen, McGuigan’s used every ounce of his stamina to pound potatoes into a frothy mash.
“I went into hell’s Kitchen to win, and I don’t do anything by halves,” says Barry, although children’s portions are available if there’s no rush on.
“Yes, I wanted my family to be proud of me, but above all I wanted to do it for my own sense of achievement,” says Barry. “If I compete I have to win, otherwise I feel I have failed. It’s a compulsion.”
Or what Marco Pierre White would all a “mousseline”.
And Barry won, of course, seeing off Paul Young and his 1980s white soul and Adele Silva’s vegetables.
Says Barry: “Adele was better then me at more things, but in area of service – and mashing potatoes and piping them – I had the upper hand.”
And duly delivered the knock-out blow…
The singer-songwriter descends the oak staircase at Highclere Castle. Hello! hears her draw “gasps of admiration from the guests”, some as old as Des, some older and well used to gasping.
Jodie is wearing a dress by South African dressmaker Gert van de Merwe, an empire-line creation in French lace and dupion silk, hand-beaded in the ubiquitous Swarovski crystals.
And here comes the couple’s son Adam, carrying his parents’ wedding rings on a satin cushion. Adam is three. Gasps a plenty. Possibly a nurse and an inhaler, too.
And the moment is nigh. “I vow to love and comfort you; share laughter and tears with you…and make you feel special each day of our life together,” says Jodie.
True to her word Jodie cries. Leaving guests gasping more, and Hello!’s readers wonder what part of the vows it sketched over.
“You’re my husband,” says Jodie as the registrar pronounces them man and wife. Des, ever the professional, recognises the moment and holds his brief close.
The crowd goes wild. Bradley Walsh, Melanie Sykes and DIY SOS presenter Nick Knowles gasp. Cilla Black, “Des’s old friend”, tells us: “I have been to many weddings in my time but I said to John on our way here: ‘Something tells me I may need the tissues today.”
And Des begins to sing…
As the Sun shows, on Goody’s hooded top is the legend “I’VE GOT YOU NOW”.
Has charmless Jade Goody been arrested? None of it. Goody is as clean as the mint sauce on offer at Osman’s Kebab stall.
News is that she is the victim. Indeed, this is not the first time Jade has been victimised.
Thieves have broken into Goody’s home and stolen £30,000 worth of valuables.
Did they make off with the TAN-gerine bronzing gun? Did they leave the Goody perfume?
Jade is said to be too distressed to list exactly what has gone. She merely screams: “I’ve been fucking burgled”.
And her tax disc expired on August 31, something the attending police are all too happy to point out.
Poor Jade. “She has not stopped crying,” says a pal.
Fetch the tanning gun – this one could run and run…
THE youth teenies look up to her. Who needs sexualised Bratz doll’s when you Smiley to entertain you? More on Smiley here.
“Miley Cyrus is pregnant is the latest hot gossip circulating around the web – Miley Cyrus ,she is just 15 yrs old & shot to fame with her appearence in Hannah Montanna .
The j-14 and teen magazine carry an interview with Miley Cyrus confirming she is pregnant she’s currently filming the last episode of Hannah Montana .
But she didnt say who the dad is ; but her parents are really disappointed milley says: “I’m going to take good care of my baby – I’ve already gained 7 lbs i was in real shock it just happened accidently i went a little to far I am sorry to my fans.”
This is “Sienna’s wedding day bliss”.
Married? No. Not yet. Although the Express notes that Sienna and her current project, actor Rhys Ifans, “could not have stood closer as the bride tossed the bouquet”.
Closer to one another or closer to the bride? The Express is unspecific.
No small chance, then, that Sienna was caught wrong footed, looking up as her future happiness arced over her head as the bride tossed with all the guile of Andre Agassi in his pomp.
Disappointment set aside, the Express notes how Sienna and her actor did manage to catch a cab and take a ride to the wedding reception in a north London pub.
Ms Miller is blonde…
AS mentioned, the Sun has no Page 3 Girl today. Like most of you she is not fully au fait with the EU constitution and requires a few weeks more intensive reading before her thoughts will be made known.
Will knickers be cheaper in a United Europe? Will Blackpool open a plage naturistes? Is stuna a pan-European term? We await the verdict.
The Sun champions Le Page 3. And in readiness for EU homogenisation and regulation reveals the correct shape for a topless stunna’s chest.
As for bananas and cucumbers, so for Nikkii and Amiii. And readers see that the official chest features 50 per cent breast meat below the nipple line and 45 per cent above the nipple line.
For purposes of illustration, Britannia is Keeley Hazell. She shows the “secret formula” that secures a career as a Page 3 Girl.
Of course, Keeley is a product of imperial measurements and it might be that the Italians prefer something more al dente…
The trick is knowing when the hype stops and the action begins. Beckham’s fellow Angelenos understand this, delivering to the world a diet of trailers for life-changing, you’ve–never-seen-the like-before blockbusters.
But as with Men in Black II, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) and Basic Instinct 2 (2006), the second part of Beckham’s playing career is failing to live up to the billing.
And the Americans have noticed. As the Independent reports, Radar magazine has conducted a scientific survey to find the most overrated people, places and things in American life.
(The survey took into account the number of references in the media, the longevity as celebrities, talking points and the direction of the wind in Des Moins.)
And top of the heap, above Britney Spears, Friends and the Hard Rock Café are the Beckhams.
As readers learn: “It’s not that they’re untalented. They arch their backs nicely in porny W fashion shots. They’re excellent at peddling fragrances. But is it any reason for a besotted media to swarm them daily…to muse on his chances of being knighted? He’s an overpaid soccer star, she’s a pointless collection of body parts.”
Indeed, readers. Greater careers have been built on less.
And one day – fingers crossed – Posh and Becks can be as overrated as Bradgelina, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony, American football…
Says she: “I’m quivering with fear at the thought – but it’s nothing to the daunting battles faced by people with cancer almost daily.”
Not every day. Just almost. And not tomorrow, when their suffering will be given perspective…
It is the Mobo awards do. And the Mirror (“Backstage fright”), says Winehouse has ordered a “vast” rage of food and drink.
But not all of it has been consumed. The Mirror sees bottles of red wine unopened. So too bottles of white. Containers of chicken strew are untouched.
This is worthy of the Mirror’s attention. What of the rebel, the hell-bent rock ‘n’ rocker who leaves so much potential untapped?
An insider tells us: “It was such a shocking and sad sight. The bathroom in her dressing-room smelt really bad.”
The Winehouse career is going down the pan?
“The toilet lid was still open, and, well, how should I put this..It hadn’t been flushed away. The floor was a mess too. It was such a shame to see.”
Might it be that hard-living, hard-drinking Winehouse can’t hack it?
The Star is pictures Winehouse holding a bottle of champagne. Readers with a keen eye will note that the bottle is unopened. Another shot shows Winehouse holding a glass. The lip is angled downwards. The glass is empty.
Are these bottles and the glasses props, part of the Winehouse look? Is the Winehouse glass one of those tricks that contains a potion for bandy that the drinker cannot get at? Is that a novelty bottle of shampoo?
So here is Winehouse in the pub in Camden Town. She’s her own women alright. Although she is with two other women, the Star’s Charli and Amy (even the Star’s hacks have Page 3 stunna names).
Winehouse moves behind the bar. “This is where I belong. Behind the bar,” says she. “I love it.”
And she loves drinking. At least that’s the impression given…
Now further signs of role reversal as the Star reports that David Beckham is to design five outfits for the Spice Girls ahead of their World Your.
Readers learn that “Mel B told him to do it for a giggle”.
But this is no joking matter. Day-vid is serious. While most of us recuperate in front of daytime telly and the fridge, David is browsing the web for fashion ideas.
What price a carrier in fashion for David when he embarked on his mission to take football to the heathen?
What greater price that he would end up telling his wife what to wear and using her as his clothes horse?
David Beckham is a footballer. His career development can be seen in the picture.
White is, of course, the chef unafraid to call mashed potato “potato mousseline” and was never going to take Oliver’s heat without making reply.
“I’d like to see him call me a bully to my face,” says White, a challenge reproduced on the Sun’s front cover.
White is no bully and the thinly veiled threat that he will beat anyone who says otherwise into a mousseline is testament it.
And White will not leave it there. That’s just for starters. Over two pages (“HELL’S BITCHIN’”), White delivers his call to the Celebrity Chef Smackdown.
“Go and win your first Michelin star, Jamie, and then I might take you seriously.” White, admirably, resists all temptation to punctuate his pep talk with “grasshopper”, astutely observing that that would over-egg the pudding, or Jamie.
White has been there and done it. He’s not only on barking terms with stars like uncomplicated comic Jim Davidson and 80s singer Paul Young but remains the youngest chef to have earned three of the coveted Michelin stars.
But Oliver is a star in his own right, a legend in his own lunchtime. But White is unimpressed. He says Oliver’s school dinners campaign was a “cheap publicity stunt”.
And chucks in for good measure: “I’d rather be who I am than fat chef with a drum kit.”
White would, one suspects, grudgingly acknowledge that you can only make something with the ingredients to hand. And if Oliver is a fat chef with a drum kit is because he has not bought a guitar or, say, a saxophone.
White also has words for the Hell’s Kitchen maître d’ Angus Deayton, still seeking a comedic role in a presenting setting.
They did not get on like peas in a pod, nor a Domaine Lafage Muscat Sec 1999 with surf ‘n’ turf. “ITV didn’t want me to batter him,” says White.
Indeed, not. Best stick with the mousseline…
And so it is that in the Sun, Britney is “troubled” to find that her ex-bodyguard has turned against her.
The muscle is Tony Barretto. And his lawyer, Gloria Allred, tells us that her client is “prepared to testify on issues of nudity by Ms Spears, drug use and safety issues involving the children post rehab”.
The children, one Sean Preston and another Jayden James, have not been to rehab. Childhood rehab is not yet en vogue in the Hollywood Hills, although there are rumours of Rehab 101 modules being introduced at some of the starrier schools as part of life preparation class.
The rehab is Britney’s. And the development, we learn, may influence any verdict in the children’s custody as she seeks permanent settlement away from husband K-Ferret.
The Star picks up the story and turns it into a tale of a LESBIAN ROMP”.
A source tells us: “She’s clearly happier in the company of women…She needs to realise it won’t look good in court to be shown to be hanging out in lesbian nightclubs.”
Why this should be we are not told. But we do read that Britney is no longer in the company of one girl, namely her lawyer Ms Laura Wasser who has stepped down as her brief.
But as the Mirror reports on its front page (“Brit bodyguard spills the bean”) and again inside the paper (“THE NUDITY, THE DRUGS..AND THE KIDS AT RISK”), the story is Barretto’s.
Descried by Allred as “a key and secret witness” – Mr Barretto is 25stone and appears less stealth like than a tower block – feels compelled to speak out.
Ms Allred says Barretto has been stung into action because “He is a father of young children himself”.
Ms Spears remains troubled…
BRAD & ANGELINA’S SECRET DEAL!” reports the National Enquirer’s front page. “AFTER PUBLIC BLOW UP.”Fed on a diet of Bradgelina week on week it is no little wonder the public has blown up. Although the feeling at Anorak Towers is that Americans just get bigger until they are forced to take a deep breath and buy still larger shorts.
And what of the secret deal, which the Enquirer has learnt of? Is it that baby number 5 in on the way?
Hardly a secret there. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie collect children the way football fans collect Panini stickers. And we’d trade two Pax Thiens and a 2005 Zahara for one Shiloh.
If there is any shock then it is in the notion that baby number five (Says Cilla Black: “What’s your name, and where are you from?”) will be homemade.
Right now, the Enquirer might be watching the preamble to that happening as Angelina and Brad are in the bar at the Chicago Peninsular hotel.
She is said to be stroking his arm. He is said to be stroking her arm.
He is drinking a Corona beer. She is drinking Captain Morgan’s rum and coke, possibly from a glass made by Glasses of Maine and poured over ice produced from a Miele freezer from Bob’s House of Freezers.
An eyewitness notes: “At 2am, when the lights came on, they walked out of the bar hand in hand and headed up to their suite.”
The Enquirer says this marked a “new beginning for the pair”. And a new dawn in the age of mankind.
Shiloh is a hard act to follow. But if the Messiah is to have a third coming, and possibly a fourth (it might be twins), we can only pass on our sincerest wishes…
It might be wind, say some. Indeed, if the wind were to change Vicky’s face might stay like this, and what price her brand? But the Star knows. Indeed, it says Her Poshness is “beaming”.
This smile should be everything. Like a Cheshire cat’s grin it should linger in the minds of one and all who gaze upon it. But that dress. That green dress appears as a tribute to Terry Venable’s Christmas Tree formation of Euro ’96.
The Mirror says Victoria is getting ready for Christmas early.
The Mail calls the outfit “lurid”. “Cowabunga… Posh turns turtle,” says the headline. La Beckham is doing a passable impression of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
A turtle, lest it not go unreported, that smiles.
But to our tutored mind the dress looks like Posh has been covered in a swathe of green Post It notes.
Perhaps on each flap there is an instruction, or just the same instruction repeated many times over, words that Posh should consult in times of anxiety: “Open mouth. Curl lips. Bare teeth.”
As the Star reports (“SIMON BIDS TO SAVE BRITNEY”), the man with teeth whiter than Mel Gibson’s tan line says Britney can appear on his hit TV show American Idol.
“Sure,” says Cowell, “she can come on American Idol – as a contestant.
We at Anorak embrace the offer. Indeed, we would like the proposal to go further and for the entertainment industry to take a leaf from El Al’s book.
Granted, the Israeli airline is more interested in spotting potential terrorists intent on blowing up one of its planes than finding tomorrow’s Gareth Gates, but the airline operates a policy whereby security staff are tapped on the shoulder and invited to board a flight.
The judges of who is fit and proper to fly are, with no prior warning, placed among the riffraff. This keeps them vigilant.
(In an interesting aside, the Star reports that Muhammed Abdel-Al, leader of Palestinian terror group, the Popular Resistance Committees, says “If I meet those whores I will have the honour to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna and Britney Spears if they keep spreading satanic culture against Islam.” Everyone’s a critic.)
And so to American Idol and all manner of reality TV talent shows. The established acts that pass judgement on the unsung talent, such as Paula Abdul (American Idol) and Danni Minogue (X Factor), are invited at random to see if they can cut it.
At a moment’s notice they are handed a song sheet and invited to sing for their careers.
Can Britney do Britney better than one of her fans?
Or will she crash and burn..?