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Celebrities | Anorak - Part 368

Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Britney Spears: The Doctor Is In

pantloadbrit.thumbnail Britney Spears: The Doctor Is InTHE story so far: Britney Spears has lost her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Now read on…

Dr Miriam Stoppard is considering the Britney Spears issue in the Mirror. She is the paper’s agony aunt, and what is Spears’s life but one of abject agony.

Dr Miriam says Los Angeles Judge Scott Gordon is not an “ass” and found in favour of the children’s father, one K-Ferret.

“Nevertheless,” says the doctor, “one quakes” for the boys. She notes that K-Ferret and Spears are “reprobate parents”. Britney is “drug-sodden”. She is “weak, self-deluded and wholly irresponsible, dangerously so”.

Dr Miriam must leave it there to go and open her postbag. A girl’s boyfriend has been calling gay chat phone lines and a woman wonders why her child’s eczema seems to get better if the mother is enjoying herself, even if she’s not with her.

And while Miriam’s duty calls, the Star watches Britney slope off. After losing her two sons, Britney heads to the Bel-Air beauty salon for a fake baking. She wears a short white skirt that barely covers her bum, or ass, as Dr Miriam might call it.

The Star says: “Mum Brit is in freefall.”

And in the Sun, Britney’s aunt Chanda McGovern says: “We are very worried that things are going to spiral out of control…we are worried about suicidal tendencies in her.”

Dr Miriam is not around just now. But we, acting as her receptionist, urge Britney to wait…

Posted: 3rd, October 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Britney Spears Loses Children: She Too Is Lost

britney spears crying.thumbnail Britney Spears Loses Children: She Too Is Lost“BRITNEY LOSES KIDS,” announces the Sun’s front page. And we fear it has happened again.

“Britney loses her children,” says the Mirror, and we know that it has.

But the panic does not last for long as the Sun tells us that the children have been found and are now in the “physical custody” of Britney Spears’ ex-husband Kevin Federline.

Federline, aka The Rapping Rodent, aka K-Ferret, is now legally allowed to raise sons Sean Preston and Jayden James, to construct them in his own image.

Many will have to put their concerns to one side, dismiss thoughts of the little lambs being at large dressed in white vests and pointed beards, because, as a source says: “We are all fearing for Britney and this will be the final straw for her.”

“SUICIDE FEAR FOR BRITNEY,” says the Sun. The Mirror says Britney is “beyond inconsolable”.

And: “She has not stopped crying since she found out. It hasn’t sunk in yet…a life without them is unimaginable for her.” As ever: “The boys are her life.”

Overlooked is the need to say that Britney is lost. And realise that this is an interim order and full custody of the children will be decided at a later date.

In the meantime, we need to find Britney. And find her spokesman, who, as the Sun reports, “was not available last night”.

Fears are that they too are lost…

Posted: 2nd, October 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Beckham Puts On Brave Face, Posh Puts On Sunglasses

david beckham injured.thumbnail David Beckham Puts On Brave Face, Posh Puts On SunglassesDAVID Beckham’s father is on the mend. Your payers worked.

The Sun hears Ted Beckham sit up in bed and tell the world “I’ll be okay”. The paper says that Ted even made it to wave off Posh ‘n’ Becks from the carpark.

As a hospital insider let’s us know: “David was very sweet and brought Ted some home-made fruit punch and a salad. Posh even took off her sunglasses when she reached the ward.”

Of course, she may have replaced them with still bigger lenses, especially since, as the Mirror reports, Posh and her Spice Girls entourage are collaborating with fly-eyed Bono, Mr G9 himself.

But that for later. For now, as the Star notes, “Posh Is Beck To Normal”, manfully refusing to smile as she jets off her to resume her amazing life in Los Angeles.

Says an onlooker: “They were holding hands like newlyweds but you could see the strain in their faces.”

And with that Her Poshness puts her sunglasses back on…

Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Danielle Lloyd Bends Over And Invites Trouble

dogbra.thumbnail Danielle Lloyd Bends Over And Invites TroubleDANIELLE Lloyd is on all fours on the Star’s front page. And she ever reason to be wary. As the headline announces: “Dani’s new bloke is mad for her undies.”

A fetishism suggests itself. All the more so when we learn that the Big Brother star emeritus’s new man is a dog. And not just any dog but a Pomeranian called Trouble.

No kidding.

What consenting adults get up to behind closed doors defies our judgement but this news invites Trouble, which is something Dani appear to be encouraging, given her pose which the Anorak postboy informs us is “doggy-style”.

“At first Trouble was so good and timid that I thought I might have to change his name,” says Danielle. “But now he’s into everything. He got to my red bra and knickers set the other day.”

The cad!

“I couldn’t stay cross with him though, he’s just so incredibly cute.”

And hairy…

Posted: 1st, October 2007 | In: Celebrities, Danielle Lloyd, Tabloids | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Beckham Prays: Oh Come All Ye Metrofaithful To Posh ‘n’ Becks

beckhams god.thumbnail David Beckham Prays: Oh Come All Ye Metrofaithful To Posh n BecksDAVID Beckham’s father Ted has been struck low by a heart attack. This is Posh ‘n’ Becks’ agony.

In “BECKS: My guilt over dad” the News of the World says “DAVID BECKHAM is haunted by guilt and believes it is HIS fault that his dad suffered a near-fatal heart attack.”

It’s true.

A source says Day-vid feels bad for “cancelling” on his dad, for not being closer to him.

The NOTW tells us: “He and wife Victoria have taken solace in religion, praying in a multi-faith room which has crosses and Bibles available in a box.”

Metrosexual. Metrofaithful.

This is the Beckhams in their time of private grief. Pull of a throne-shaped pew. Empathise.

David and Victoria are united in their moment of pain. Says a source: “She’s been a rock for David. She keeps telling him, ‘Don’t blame yourself for this, stop having a guilt trip—it’s not your fault.’”

Vicky has been forced to cut short a promotional trip to Japan. But she doesn’t blame Dave.

“The two of them have been sitting in the corridor together and she clasps his hand in hers. David’s like a little lost lamb at the moment.”

Touching stuff. And how does the NOTW trail this story? Why, with the line: “David opens heart”.

To remember in all our prayers: David’s father, who art in hospital, hallowed be thy turf…

Posted: 30th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks, Tabloids | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Angelina Jolie On Porn And Life

brad pitt angelina jolie.thumbnail Angelina Jolie On Porn And Life “I DECORATED my trailer with lots of porn,” say Angelina Jolie. “It made me feel provocative.”

Teenage boys and men with sweaty palms on caravan sites in Rhyl hear you, Angelina.

Angelina, of course, is no man. She is all woman, which is why she can engage in lesbianism, as OK! notes, and Priapic youths and men on government registers cannot.

“l’ve done coke, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, everything,” says Angelina. “But the one that had the worst effect on me was pot. I felt silly and I hate feeling like that.”

Angelina is not silly. She buckles up. Clunk. Click. Every trip. “I don’t do drugs. I don’t intentionally ride a motorcycle without a helmet. I will always be careful.”

One wonders how you can unintentionally ride a motorcycle, with or without a helmet? Angelina should be yet more careful, particularly when sitting on revved-up motorcycles. No joke. We’re serious.

But tiredness can get in the way of the best laid plans. And Angelina admits that children can take the spark out of love.

“Obviously your intimacy is not the same,” she tells OK!. “You are always engrossed and often you collapse with exhaustion in the evening.”

And it’s not all travelling the world that takes it out of Jolie. There are children to look after. And chances are the help is just as tired as she is…

Pic: 14 

Posted: 27th, September 2007 | In: Brandgelina, Celebrities, OK! | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Hell’s Kitchen: Barry McGuigan’s Compulsion Of Potato

barry mcguigan.thumbnail Hells Kitchen: Barry McGuigans Compulsion Of Potato BARRY McGuigan would like to thank Mr Eastwood of Eastwood’s Kebab Korner for all his help and care in making him Hell’s Kitchen champion.

No lightweight in the celebrity kitchen, McGuigan’s used every ounce of his stamina to pound potatoes into a frothy mash.

“I went into hell’s Kitchen to win, and I don’t do anything by halves,” says Barry, although children’s portions are available if there’s no rush on.

“Yes, I wanted my family to be proud of me, but above all I wanted to do it for my own sense of achievement,” says Barry. “If I compete I have to win, otherwise I feel I have failed. It’s a compulsion.”

Or what Marco Pierre White would all a “mousseline”.

And Barry won, of course, seeing off Paul Young and his 1980s white soul and Adele Silva’s vegetables.

Says Barry: “Adele was better then me at more things, but in area of service – and mashing potatoes and piping them – I had the upper hand.”

And duly delivered the knock-out blow…

Posted: 26th, September 2007 | In: Hello! | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Hello! Des O’Connor Takes His Pick

desoconnor.thumbnail Hello! Des OConnor Takes His PickWE rejoin the action after the break, and TV stalwart Des O’Connor (what is age but a number?) is all set to marry Jodie Brooke, 38.

The singer-songwriter descends the oak staircase at Highclere Castle. Hello! hears her draw “gasps of admiration from the guests”, some as old as Des, some older and well used to gasping.

Jodie is wearing a dress by South African dressmaker Gert van de Merwe, an empire-line creation in French lace and dupion silk, hand-beaded in the ubiquitous Swarovski crystals.

And here comes the couple’s son Adam, carrying his parents’ wedding rings on a satin cushion. Adam is three. Gasps a plenty. Possibly a nurse and an inhaler, too.

And the moment is nigh. “I vow to love and comfort you; share laughter and tears with you…and make you feel special each day of our life together,” says Jodie.

True to her word Jodie cries. Leaving guests gasping more, and Hello!’s readers wonder what part of the vows it sketched over.

“You’re my husband,” says Jodie as the registrar pronounces them man and wife. Des, ever the professional, recognises the moment and holds his brief close.

The crowd goes wild. Bradley Walsh, Melanie Sykes and DIY SOS presenter Nick Knowles gasp. Cilla Black, “Des’s old friend”, tells us: “I have been to many weddings in my time but I said to John on our way here: ‘Something tells me I may need the tissues today.”

And Des begins to sing…

Posted: 26th, September 2007 | In: Hello! | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jade Goody Is Done Over

big brother3 jade goody.thumbnail Jade Goody Is Done OverJADE Goody is in the company of the law. To her left is police woman, her face stern, her lips thin and tight.

As the Sun shows, on Goody’s hooded top is the legend “I’VE GOT YOU NOW”.

Has charmless Jade Goody been arrested? None of it. Goody is as clean as the mint sauce on offer at Osman’s Kebab stall.

News is that she is the victim. Indeed, this is not the first time Jade has been victimised.

Thieves have broken into Goody’s home and stolen £30,000 worth of valuables.

Did they make off with the TAN-gerine bronzing gun? Did they leave the Goody perfume?

Jade is said to be too distressed to list exactly what has gone. She merely screams: “I’ve been fucking burgled”.

And her tax disc expired on August 31, something the attending police are all too happy to point out.

Poor Jade. “She has not stopped crying,” says a pal.

Fetch the tanning gun – this one could run and run…

Posted: 26th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Jade Goody | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Big Brother’s Chanelle Hayes Stalks The Stalk On MySpace

victoria beckham.thumbnail Big Brothers Chanelle Hayes Stalks The Stalk On MySpaceBIG Brother’s Chanelle Hayes is fearful, as the Star reports in “MY CYBER STALKER TERROR”.

But Chanelle will not be cowed by one lone manic who not only logs onto her MySpace page but posts messages up to ten times a day.

Here she is in the national press, wearing a shiny top of a material usually reserved for bed covers in seaside boarding houses. One hand is on her hip. Her chest is pushed out further. She is defiant.

But she has hired a minder, in case the stalker takes things a step further and posts 11 or even 12 messages on her weblog.

And it might get worse. As a source says: “Even in Los Angeles, Chanelle had several blokes who started following her every move.”

Thankfully, these men did her no harm, and most have been traced to the photographic department of the Star newspaper.

But you can never be too careful…

Posted: 25th, September 2007 | In: Big Brother TV, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Smiley Miley & Hannah Montana Are Pregnant At 15

THE youth teenies look up to her. Who needs sexualised Bratz doll’s when you Smiley to entertain you? More on Smiley here.

“Miley Cyrus is pregnant is the latest hot gossip circulating around the web – Miley Cyrus ,she is just 15 yrs old & shot to fame with her appearence in Hannah Montanna .

The j-14 and teen magazine carry an interview with Miley Cyrus confirming she is pregnant she’s currently filming the last episode of Hannah Montana .

But she didnt say who the dad is ; but her parents are really disappointed milley says: “I’m going to take good care of my baby – I’ve already gained 7 lbs i was in real shock it just happened accidently i went a little to far I am sorry to my fans.”

This true?

Posted: 24th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (155) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Sienna Miller Is No Great Catch

sienna miller.thumbnail Sienna Miller Is No Great CatchSIENNA Miller, professional girlfriend, is in the Express. She is wearing a “mint-green tea-dress and a black straw hat”.

This is “Sienna’s wedding day bliss”.

Married? No. Not yet. Although the Express notes that Sienna and her current project, actor Rhys Ifans, “could not have stood closer as the bride tossed the bouquet”.

Closer to one another or closer to the bride? The Express is unspecific.

No small chance, then, that Sienna was caught wrong footed, looking up as her future happiness arced over her head as the bride tossed with all the guile of Andre Agassi in his pomp.

Disappointment set aside, the Express notes how Sienna and her actor did manage to catch a cab and take a ride to the wedding reception in a north London pub.

Ms Miller is blonde…

Posted: 24th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Sienna Miller, Tabloids | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


David Beckham II: The Most Overrated Thing In America Since Posh

becks posh.thumbnail David Beckham II: The Most Overrated Thing In America Since PoshDAVID Beckham’s brave gamble of talking a good game before he plays one is progressing well.

The trick is knowing when the hype stops and the action begins. Beckham’s fellow Angelenos understand this, delivering to the world a diet of trailers for life-changing, you’ve–never-seen-the like-before blockbusters.

But as with Men in Black II, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (2005) and Basic Instinct 2 (2006), the second part of Beckham’s playing career is failing to live up to the billing.

And the Americans have noticed. As the Independent reports, Radar magazine has conducted a scientific survey to find the most overrated people, places and things in American life.

(The survey took into account the number of references in the media, the longevity as celebrities, talking points and the direction of the wind in Des Moins.)

And top of the heap, above Britney Spears, Friends and the Hard Rock Café are the Beckhams.

As readers learn: “It’s not that they’re untalented. They arch their backs nicely in porny W fashion shots. They’re excellent at peddling fragrances. But is it any reason for a besotted media to swarm them daily…to muse on his chances of being knighted? He’s an overpaid soccer star, she’s a pointless collection of body parts.”

Indeed, readers. Greater careers have been built on less.

And one day – fingers crossed – Posh and Becks can be as overrated as Bradgelina, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Antony, American football…

Posted: 21st, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Amy Winehouse Gets Propped Up

amy winehouse1.thumbnail Amy Winehouse Gets Propped UpWE join the action in Amy Winehouse’s dressing-room toilet.

It is the Mobo awards do. And the Mirror (“Backstage fright”), says Winehouse has ordered a “vast” rage of food and drink.

But not all of it has been consumed. The Mirror sees bottles of red wine unopened. So too bottles of white. Containers of chicken strew are untouched.

This is worthy of the Mirror’s attention. What of the rebel, the hell-bent rock ‘n’ rocker who leaves so much potential untapped?

An insider tells us: “It was such a shocking and sad sight. The bathroom in her dressing-room smelt really bad.”

The Winehouse career is going down the pan?

“The toilet lid was still open, and, well, how should I put this..It hadn’t been flushed away. The floor was a mess too. It was such a shame to see.”

Might it be that hard-living, hard-drinking Winehouse can’t hack it?

The Star is pictures Winehouse holding a bottle of champagne. Readers with a keen eye will note that the bottle is unopened. Another shot shows Winehouse holding a glass. The lip is angled downwards. The glass is empty.

Are these bottles and the glasses props, part of the Winehouse look? Is the Winehouse glass one of those tricks that contains a potion for bandy that the drinker cannot get at? Is that a novelty bottle of shampoo?

So here is Winehouse in the pub in Camden Town. She’s her own women alright. Although she is with two other women, the Star’s Charli and Amy (even the Star’s hacks have Page 3 stunna names).

Winehouse moves behind the bar. “This is where I belong. Behind the bar,” says she. “I love it.”

And she loves drinking. At least that’s the impression given…

Posted: 21st, September 2007 | In: Amy Winehouse, Celebrities | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Victoria And David Beckham Trade Places

beckham.thumbnail Victoria And David Beckham Trade PlacesWHO knew that when Victoria Beckham threw the first pitch a baseball game between the New York Mets and the Los Angeles Dodgers, she would spend more minutes on the playing surface then her husband?

Now further signs of role reversal as the Star reports that David Beckham is to design five outfits for the Spice Girls ahead of their World Your.

Readers learn that “Mel B told him to do it for a giggle”.

But this is no joking matter. Day-vid is serious. While most of us recuperate in front of daytime telly and the fridge, David is browsing the web for fashion ideas.

What price a carrier in fashion for David when he embarked on his mission to take football to the heathen?

What greater price that he would end up telling his wife what to wear and using her as his clothes horse?

David Beckham is a footballer. His career development can be seen in the picture.

Posted: 19th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (5) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Jamie Oliver’s Minces His Words For Marco Pierre White Mash Up

jamie oliver 1.thumbnail Jamie Olivers Minces His Words For Marco Pierre White Mash Up JAMIE Oliver says Marco Pierre White, the large chef in the Dear Hunter headband on TV’s Hell’s Kitchen, is “a psychological bully”.

White is, of course, the chef unafraid to call mashed potato “potato mousseline” and was never going to take Oliver’s heat without making reply.

“I’d like to see him call me a bully to my face,” says White, a challenge reproduced on the Sun’s front cover.

White is no bully and the thinly veiled threat that he will beat anyone who says otherwise into a mousseline is testament it.

And White will not leave it there. That’s just for starters. Over two pages (“HELL’S BITCHIN’”), White delivers his call to the Celebrity Chef Smackdown.

“Go and win your first Michelin star, Jamie, and then I might take you seriously.” White, admirably, resists all temptation to punctuate his pep talk with “grasshopper”, astutely observing that that would over-egg the pudding, or Jamie.

White has been there and done it. He’s not only on barking terms with stars like uncomplicated comic Jim Davidson and 80s singer Paul Young but remains the youngest chef to have earned three of the coveted Michelin stars.

But Oliver is a star in his own right, a legend in his own lunchtime. But White is unimpressed. He says Oliver’s school dinners campaign was a “cheap publicity stunt”.

And chucks in for good measure: “I’d rather be who I am than fat chef with a drum kit.”

White would, one suspects, grudgingly acknowledge that you can only make something with the ingredients to hand. And if Oliver is a fat chef with a drum kit is because he has not bought a guitar or, say, a saxophone.

White also has words for the Hell’s Kitchen maître d’ Angus Deayton, still seeking a comedic role in a presenting setting.

They did not get on like peas in a pod, nor a Domaine Lafage Muscat Sec 1999 with surf ‘n’ turf. “ITV didn’t want me to batter him,” says White.

Indeed, not. Best stick with the mousseline…

Posted: 19th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Jamie Oliver | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Troubled With Britney Spears And Tony Barretto

britney spears children The Troubled With Britney Spears And Tony BarrettoTHE 9th rule of tabloid journalism dictates that “Britney Spears” should be forwarded by the term “troubled”.

And so it is that in the Sun, Britney is “troubled” to find that her ex-bodyguard has turned against her.

The muscle is Tony Barretto. And his lawyer, Gloria Allred, tells us that her client is “prepared to testify on issues of nudity by Ms Spears, drug use and safety issues involving the children post rehab”.

The children, one Sean Preston and another Jayden James, have not been to rehab. Childhood rehab is not yet en vogue in the Hollywood Hills, although there are rumours of Rehab 101 modules being introduced at some of the starrier schools as part of life preparation class.

The rehab is Britney’s. And the development, we learn, may influence any verdict in the children’s custody as she seeks permanent settlement away from husband K-Ferret.

The Star picks up the story and turns it into a tale of a LESBIAN ROMP”.

A source tells us: “She’s clearly happier in the company of women…She needs to realise it won’t look good in court to be shown to be hanging out in lesbian nightclubs.”

Why this should be we are not told. But we do read that Britney is no longer in the company of one girl, namely her lawyer Ms Laura Wasser who has stepped down as her brief.

But as the Mirror reports on its front page (“Brit bodyguard spills the bean”) and again inside the paper (“THE NUDITY, THE DRUGS..AND THE KIDS AT RISK”), the story is Barretto’s.

Descried by Allred as “a key and secret witness” – Mr Barretto is 25stone and appears less stealth like than a tower block – feels compelled to speak out.

Ms Allred says Barretto has been stung into action because “He is a father of young children himself”.

Ms Spears remains troubled…

Posted: 18th, September 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Collect Bradjelina Stickers: Swap Two Pax Thiens For One Shiloh

angelina jolie Collect Bradjelina Stickers: Swap Two Pax Thiens For One Shiloh BRAD & ANGELINA’S SECRET DEAL!” reports the National Enquirer’s front page. “AFTER PUBLIC BLOW UP.”Fed on a diet of Bradgelina week on week it is no little wonder the public has blown up. Although the feeling at Anorak Towers is that Americans just get bigger until they are forced to take a deep breath and buy still larger shorts.

And what of the secret deal, which the Enquirer has learnt of? Is it that baby number 5 in on the way?

Hardly a secret there. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie collect children the way football fans collect Panini stickers. And we’d trade two Pax Thiens and a 2005 Zahara for one Shiloh.

If there is any shock then it is in the notion that baby number five (Says Cilla Black: “What’s your name, and where are you from?”) will be homemade.

Right now, the Enquirer might be watching the preamble to that happening as Angelina and Brad are in the bar at the Chicago Peninsular hotel.

She is said to be stroking his arm. He is said to be stroking her arm.

He is drinking a Corona beer. She is drinking Captain Morgan’s rum and coke, possibly from a glass made by Glasses of Maine and poured over ice produced from a Miele freezer from Bob’s House of Freezers.

An eyewitness notes: “At 2am, when the lights came on, they walked out of the bar hand in hand and headed up to their suite.”

The Enquirer says this marked a “new beginning for the pair”. And a new dawn in the age of mankind.

Shiloh is a hard act to follow. But if the Messiah is to have a third coming, and possibly a fourth (it might be twins), we can only pass on our sincerest wishes…

Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Brandgelina, Celebrities, National Enquirer | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Post It Like Victoria Beckham

victopria beckham.thumbnail Post It Like Victoria Beckham NO small news in the Star as it scoops all rivals with a picture of Victoria Beckham’s “first smile”.

It might be wind, say some. Indeed, if the wind were to change Vicky’s face might stay like this, and what price her brand? But the Star knows. Indeed, it says Her Poshness is “beaming”.

This smile should be everything. Like a Cheshire cat’s grin it should linger in the minds of one and all who gaze upon it. But that dress. That green dress appears as a tribute to Terry Venable’s Christmas Tree formation of Euro ’96.

The Mirror says Victoria is getting ready for Christmas early.

The Mail calls the outfit “lurid”. “Cowabunga… Posh turns turtle,” says the headline. La Beckham is doing a passable impression of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

A turtle, lest it not go unreported, that smiles.

But to our tutored mind the dress looks like Posh has been covered in a swathe of green Post It notes.

Perhaps on each flap there is an instruction, or just the same instruction repeated many times over, words that Posh should consult in times of anxiety: “Open mouth. Curl lips. Bare teeth.”

Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (3) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Simon Cowell Offers To Check In Britney Spears

britney spears.thumbnail Simon Cowell Offers To Check In Britney SpearsBIG–HEARTED Simon Cowell has offered Britney Spears a shot at redemption.

As the Star reports (“SIMON BIDS TO SAVE BRITNEY”), the man with teeth whiter than Mel Gibson’s tan line says Britney can appear on his hit TV show American Idol.
“Sure,” says Cowell, “she can come on American Idol – as a contestant.

We at Anorak embrace the offer. Indeed, we would like the proposal to go further and for the entertainment industry to take a leaf from El Al’s book.

Granted, the Israeli airline is more interested in spotting potential terrorists intent on blowing up one of its planes than finding tomorrow’s Gareth Gates, but the airline operates a policy whereby security staff are tapped on the shoulder and invited to board a flight.
The judges of who is fit and proper to fly are, with no prior warning, placed among the riffraff. This keeps them vigilant.

(In an interesting aside, the Star reports that Muhammed Abdel-Al, leader of Palestinian terror group, the Popular Resistance Committees, says “If I meet those whores I will have the honour to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna and Britney Spears if they keep spreading satanic culture against Islam.” Everyone’s a critic.)
And so to American Idol and all manner of reality TV talent shows. The established acts that pass judgement on the unsung talent, such as Paula Abdul (American Idol) and Danni Minogue (X Factor), are invited at random to see if they can cut it.
At a moment’s notice they are handed a song sheet and invited to sing for their careers.
Can Britney do Britney better than one of her fans?

Or will she crash and burn..?

Posted: 14th, September 2007 | In: American Idol, Britney Spears, Celebrities | Comments (4) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


The Sun Always Shines On Victoria Beckham:

victoria beckham.thumbnail The Sun Always Shines On Victoria Beckham: VICTORIA Beckham is wearing a red dress.

It must be a Thursday. And it must be the Sun, which operates as Her Poshness’s diarist.

In times to come, Posh will be able to flick through past copies of the Sun and know what she was doing on any given day.

And on Thursday September 13 2007 she was wearing a red dress. At least she was the night before (Wednesday September 12) when she arrived for a meal at New York’s Cipriani restaurant.

(Note: the Mirror disputes the claim by saying the dress is orange. But the sun knows.)

Between bites of food, Posh tells the paper: “I got in very late last night but the first thing I did in the morning was ring home and check in on my family, making sure everyone has their homework done and everyone’s gone to school.”

And the kids and Day-vid can see what mummy’s been up to by reading the Sun…

Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks, Tabloids | Comments (7) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Britney Spears Forced To Wear The Pants

britney spears.thumbnail Britney Spears Forced To Wear The PantsA CAUTIONARY tale for Britney Spears as the Star brings news that 70 per cent of men are turned off by women with no underwear.

Britney should wear pants, and to maximize impact she, or her stylist, should ensure that they are black, followed by pink, white a navy blue.

Britney may care to wear all four colours as well as her signature orange at once and add a sense of mystique to her jaded act.

And Britney is as tired as she is emotional. As the Sun reports in “Britney barmy barnet barney”, Spears was so unhappy with her hair for her recent MTV showing that she was handed prescription drugs to calm down.

A source says: “Britney took enough to floor an elephant. They calmed her down – but were clearly too effective.”

Next time Britney may be forced to take still more drastic action and shave her hair or wear a wig.

It is clear that Spears needs help. But, as the Star reports, she is finding it hard to come by.

The paper reports that “troubled “Britney is fining it tricky to secure a nanny because of her “sleazy lesbian lust”.

If anyone is to leer at the help it should be the man of the house. But with K-Ferret estranged, Britney is being forced to play the role of bother mom and pop.

It is she who must wear the pants…

Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Britney Spears, Celebrities | Comment | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Mum’s Gone To Italy: Kerry Katona’s Latest Wedding

kerry6.thumbnail Mums Gone To Italy: Kerry Katonas Latest Wedding  KERRY Katona, own-brand ketchup champion, has not gone to Iceland. She’s gone to Italy.

Happily, what Italy lacks in frozen fish and Boozie Brownies, it tries to make up for in weddings. And OK! invites us to experience the thrills and no few spills from Kerry’s official wedding to Mark Croft.

Can it be only a few months since Katona married Mark on St Valentine’s Day in a modern function room on the Scottish borders?

It can be. That do ended months of “feverish anticipation”. “This is it,” said Kerry back then. “I don’t know how I lived without Mark before. He does everything for me. We’ve not spent a single day apart. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Now Kerry gets to spend another lifetime with the lovely Mark as she marries to him in Italy.

“I’m so excited because it’s all a big surprise,” says Kerry, who may have sensed something was up when the OK! marriage contract was slipped beneath her skirts.

So here we are on the shores of Lake Orta. We’re at the Villa Crespi. No, not Cispsy, as in Thin and Crispy. Crespi, as in Villa Crepsi, an “extraordinary hotel dating back to the 1930s”.

The guests are seated in a Moorish colonnade. Mark is waiting for her beloved. He nips out for few sips of beer. OK! says this is to calm his nerves.

And a mere 45 minutes late, Kerry appears on the arm of her “good friend and PR guru Max Clifford”.

How terrific of Max not to spill the beans and ruin Mark’s surprise wedding that saw him hire his wife a Philip Armstrong strapless gown and complementary white rose.

“I dos” are exchanged. And Kerry says: “Mark, when we became mates, I treasured our friendship – and the Xbox of course!” (Cue laugher and the sound of aliens being zapped.)

There are then tears. The couple sign the register. Someone presses play on the beat box and Nessun Dorma is played. And so to the wedding breakfast. It is 7pm.

Guests are seated. The Wayne Allen sings Always And Forever over a starter of Sicilian prawns with celeriac puree. Encore. And guests tuck into steak and chips.

And at midnight – incredible, we know – it is Kerry birthday. She turns 27. More tears. Everyone sings happy birthday.

And OK! wonders. What about of those rumours of Kerry’s dalliance round the back of Tesco’s with a youth? Says Mark: “Who would believe the face of Iceland would go with some 19-year-old weakling.”

Not we. Not Magnus Magnusson. Not Mark…

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Kerry Katona, OK! | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Madonna’s Purple Pentrator Sex Toy On Show

madonna.thumbnail Madonnas Purple Pentrator Sex Toy On ShowINTERESTING indeed that Madonna should choose to place her Purple Penetrator martial aide in a clear plastic bag.

A private consultation with our dear friend Ann Summers reveals more about the Purple Penetrator (ask for it by name).

Ms Summers advises that the phallus has an “adjustable waist and back strap to fit all sizes”. Features include a “vibrating bullet”, “multispeed battery box” and “clip”.

(If only our forces in Iraq were to well equipped.)

This is “MADGE’S TOY JOY.” And it is one she seems keen for each of us to experience.

And not least to all husband Guy Ritchie, whose 39th birthday she has been celebrating in Claridge’s hotel.

A “hotel guest” tells the paper: “Maybe she just wanted to ram home the point that she is the boss in their relationship.”

Batteries not included.

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Madonna, Tabloids | Comments (6) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0


Victoria Beckham’s Two-For-One Deal

poshfashion1.thumbnail Victoria Beckhams Two For One Deal “POSH flashes a pair,” says the Sun’s front page. And readers wonder that Victoria Beckham’s career should come to this?

But a flick of the page and readers are affronted not with Her Poshness’s appendages but “Peta, 20, Essex”. Peta would rather go nearly naked than wear fur. She tells us how wonderful it is that a hard-up family has won £8.5million on the Lotto.

Says Peta: “This is exactly what the game is all about – it really makes you think it could be me.”

The game is not football, but the Lotto. And Peta dreams not of being a Wag and so gaining access to untold riches, but of winning the Lottery.

But enough of Peta. We want to know what’s become of our Vicky?

It is only on the Sun’s Page 21 that we get to see Sticky Vicky. In “TWO POSH”, reader learn that Vicky has worn not one but TWO dresses on ONE day.

The Mirror trumps the Sun and does position this happening on Page 3. That Vicky should cut down on her dress intake is admirable and worthy of our support.

The Mirror shows that Vicky’s dress number one is a £2,000 Vintage Herge Leger dress. It’s purple with a criss-cross grey top, a design popular with the Godolphin racing stable.

Dress number 2 is an Oscar de la Renta creation. It costs £3,450. As one observer writes: “Her dress would also look better on the floor, with a coffee table in the middle of it and two loveseats flanking it.”

David and their kids are not in the shot but are thought to be right behind Posh’s efforts…

Posted: 12th, September 2007 | In: Celebrities, Posh and Becks | Comments (2) | Follow the Comments on our RSS feed:RSS 2.0