Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
LILY Allen Quote Of the Day: In Bed With Lily
TODAY’S Lily Allen quote is channelled via her brother Alfie.
He tells the Mirror: “She’s at home in bed and everyone is running around after her.”
Lily Allen Fact (Daily Star): “A Lily Allen-style fringe is the most dangerous type of haircut for women behind the wheel of a car.”
Although, it remains No. 1 when it comes to driving HGVs.
Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Hollyoaks Actress Floats
A PICTURE in the Mirror of an actress from the Hollyoaks soap opera .
She is, as is the norm, wearing swimming gear. And actress Louise Summers is immersed totally beneath the waters.
Will she drown? Not a chance. There she goes, rising to the surface like a piece of, well, wood…
Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears Has A Blast
“BRITNEY IN A BURKA,” announces the Star’s front-page headline.
We will have to take the paper’s word for it. The picture shows the top part of a face. The eyes – mad, staring, pained etc. – are Britney’s, but with little else on view the rest could belong to someone else.
But this is not now. This is the Star’s computer wizardry department imagining what would occur if Britney married her Muslim lover Adnan Ghalib.
Says a “pal”: “It would be a mark of respect to Adnan and his family, and it would give her the anonymity she is craving.”
Indeed, not a day passes without a source telling the world how Britney wants to be alone. Anonymity is her paradise.
But how we stare. There’s Britney on the Mirror’s front-page, dressed in a burka with a plunging neckline. Says the news: “BRITNEY – I’ll commit suicide if they lock me up again.”
This is not good news. Might it be that Britney, a new convert to Islam, will go out with a bang, taking with her half of Fleet Street, gossip sites and paparazzi who all rely on her for their income?
Or can we prevent disaster by throwing a veil over Britney and her career?
Posted: 14th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
American Idol Clay Aiken Learns Newsweek Is Not OK!
CLAY Aiken, singer, is in conversation with Newsweek magazine. Dim the lights, soften the focus and coat with syrup:
How did you get into a fight with that lady on a plane?
I’m not going to talk about it.
I was just curious because you’ve never talked about it.
I did talk about it.
What about the Kelly Ripa thing?
I’m not going to discuss it.
Did you think it was homophobic?
I’m not going to discuss it.
What do you want to talk about?
I think we’re done.
Can we talk about something fun?
No, we’re done. I thought NEWSWEEK would be more reputable. I’m surprised.
But I think people are curious about it.
It was a year ago. This is NEWSWEEK. It’s not the National Enquirer. I’d hate to have a job where I had to be rude to people.
Says OK!: “So it must be hard being so talented..?”
Posted: 13th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (20)
Nicole Richie Honours Essex With Harlow
NICOLE Richie has lost weight. She gave birth to a baby girl in Los Angeles.
The name? Harlow Winter Kate Madden.
Much talk is over the weight – 6 lbs 7 oz. No – get this – not Richie’s weight, the baby’s!
Their spokesperson said, “The beautiful healthy baby girl left the hospital with her ecstatic parents.”
But what of that name? Harlow. Like the town in Essex, one time home to Michael Barrymore, Glenn Hoddle and Jade Goody.
It is a location name, much like Britney Spears called her son Preston, in honour of the drab Lancashire town. It’s amazing what can sound exotic to the foreign ear…
Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (13)
Amy Winehouse Is Not Brit Brit
SAYS Dlisted: “Mark Ronson and Amy Wino were spotted in London last night doing the usual convenience store drive-by. She’s the British Brit Brit…”
That’s gossips’ slang for Britney Spears. Winehouse is no Spears. Winehouse has talent. Britney Spears – an aggressive, underdressed, fleshy, tarty, attention seeking peroxide blonde – would be less a star over here than just an everyday mum…
Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Paris Hilton And Celebrity Scapegoats
PARIS Hilton is medicre. Paris Hilton is talented.
Fabian Tassano writes:
Some months ago Celia Green wrote about Paris Hilton, suggesting that the case involving her imprisonment could be interpreted somewhat differently from the way most commentators were suggesting. Interestingly, this aroused negative reactions in at least one reader, who complained that Green should not defend a “mediocre airhead”, and argued that Hilton should be viewed critically because “she never earned her fortune, she inherited it”.This misses the point. Hilton is a celebrity because she is good at pretending to be mediocre or ‘stupid’. Contrary to prejudice, it actually takes a good deal of talent to do that. If this isn’t talent of the most interesting kind, blame mediocracy not Miss Hilton. The demand that advantages be “earned” is also illustrative of mediocracy, which insists that only those who satisfy mass taste should be allowed to be significantly better off than average — partly, perhaps, because it makes it easier to insist that they should be answerable to society for their privileges. (The mass giveth, and the mass taketh away.)
Of course, blaming the individual is precisely what mediocracy is about, and it will deliberately create opportunities for doing so. Setting up royalty for the purpose of knocking them down later is a human motivation recognised since Frazer’s Golden Bough, but it reaches a shrill extreme in a mediocracy.
More recently, we had a repeat of the hate-Hilton effect, with Britney Spears, who unlike Hilton did derive her position entirely from ‘earning it’. Green has just written a piece about the case here. Hate can take subtle forms, such as being assessed and evaluated by supposed experts. In this case, the ‘experts’ include our old friend Oliver James.
Of course, Hilton is American Royalty…
Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)
Britney Spears’ Flying Circus, Kentwood
THE Mirror’s Britney Spears correspondent is in Kentwood, Louisiana.
She is investigating. The question is “what if Britney had never found fame and simply slipped back into obscurity after child stardom on the Mickey Mouse club? Would a very ordinary Britney today be a Kentwood housewife, content with nights out at Nyla’s Burger Basket, inviting friends to a crawfish boil on Sunday nights and limiting herself to £60 a month in a local Gap store?”
Mirror readers in their ready-meal starter homes may well fizz at news of the exotic.
But Julie McCaffrey is not looking for answers. So she speaks with “mum-of-two” Sarah Schilling, who “like Britney, is 26 and is from Kentwood.” Although: “She’s never seen her name up in lights, never been photographed without her knickers and never shaved off her long hair..”
Indeed, being in the Daily Mirror may be the closest she has got to fame.
Says Sarah: “I used to think of Britney as the girl who had it all – a megastar with fame, fortune and a fabulous lifestyle. But now I wouldn’t swap places with her for anything in the world.”
Ms McCaffrey fails to offer her £65m, Britney’s estimated fortune, her home in New York, another in Malibu and a boyfriend from Birmingham. But, in any case, the point has been made.
Says Sarah: “Money doesn’t buy you happiness – everyone knows that. And you don’t need flashy celebrity friends or fancy bars to have a good time… Britney needs to turn her back on Hollywood and come back home.”
Reading this is like looking at the Monty Python’s Four Yorkshiremen sketch in reverse.
BRITNEY SPEARS: “Because we were rich. My old pa used to say to me, “Money doesn’t buy you happiness, son”
FIRST LOUISIANAN: “Aye, ‘e was right”
BRITNEY SPEARS: “I was happier then and I had everthin’. We used to live in this massive new house with great big chandeliers in the roof”
SECOND LOUISIANAN: “House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one mansion, all three of us, loads of furniture, more floor space than South Carolina…”
THIRD LOUISIANAN: “Eh, you were lucky to have a mansion! We used to have to live in a palace!”
Note: Everyone who live in Louisiana is like Sarah Schilling apart from Britney Spears and those fancy dan Kentuckians…
Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Britney Spears And The Birmingham Players
BRITNEY Spears has fled.
Anorak readers know that Brit-nay Speerz is in Birmingham.
But others are still guessing. Today’s front-pages:
DAILY MIRROR: “BRITNEY GOES ON THE RUN – She leaves US to dodge clinic”
DAILY MAIL: “Has Britney Gone Too Far This Time?”
To the Bull Ring is never far enough…
Photo: Britney Spears auditions for the Birmingham Players’ Vicar Of Dibley Nite
Posted: 12th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
The Death Of EMI By Robbie Williams
EMI recording artiste Robbie Williams is going on strike.
He is refusing to work for Terra Firma, the financier company which took over EMI. Williams says the new boss, Guy Hands, is behaving like a “plantation owner”.
Hands the overseer has Williams on a £80million contract. Nice slavery if you can get it. But, then, Williams’ name has sold 70 million records for EMI.
EMI has a problem. And it bigger then just Williams and image. As the economist notes:
IN 2006 EMI, the world’s fourth-biggest recorded-music company, invited some teenagers into its headquarters in London to talk to its top managers about their listening habits. At the end of the session the EMI bosses thanked them for their comments and told them to help themselves to a big pile of CDs sitting on a table. But none of the teens took any of the CDs, even though they were free. “That was the moment we realised the game was completely up,” says a person who was there.
Says Williams manager, Tim Clark: “We have no idea how EMI will market and promote the album. They do not have anyone in the digital sphere capable of doing the job required.”
Does anyone buy music in a record shop any more?
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Money | Comments (5)
Brad Pitt In Fight Club: The Musical
ON MTV: “David Fincher Discusses Reunion With Brad Pitt, Possible ‘Fight Club’ Musical”
Anyone with a worse idea for a musical, please get in touch…
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Introducing Amy Winehouse
AMY Winehouse’s decision to surrender her beehive to airport security attracts the attention of the world’s press.
Winehouse is returned to the UK with her hair newly blonded and held to her head by a scarf tied in knots.
It is a look once favoured by Hilda Ogden, the Coronation Street character given flesh and ‘murials’ by Jean Alexander.
Says she: “I’m not familiar with Amy Winehouse and I really don’t know any pop stars these days”.
Helpfully, the Sun produces a large picture of Winehouse in blonde mode, which should help 81-year-old Jean’s understanding, and comply with the Government’s drive for life long learning…
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
UK Police Import Kerry Katona’s German Heil Hounds
WITH Kerry Katona learning German to best communicate with her heil hund, the Mirror says the police are following her lead.
A shortage of Alsatian dogs in the UK means British police are importing the beats from Germany.
To the commands “Sitz”, “Hol” and “Penalty!” the German dogs obey with unerring dedication to order.
Says dog trainer PC David Heaps: “For breeders in the UK it is all about looks. But the dogs do not have the same abilities for bite, let go and obedience as those bred in Germany.”
Happy days, indeed. And we, like you, look forward to our new black-uniformed officers barking our commands in German as they uphold law and order.
Guten Arbende Leute. Papers!
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Britney Spears Takes Life By The Bull Ring
“BRIT TAKES IT UP THE BRUM!” announces the Daily Sport.
The paper’s crime correspondent comes up with a headline that includes all the elements that makes the paper what it is:
Blonde starlet + football chant + sex = news
As such, it is an early contender for Tabloid Headline of the Year.
(The Sport is the paper where interviewees are invited to respond to the poser: Bum fun?”)
The story, such as it is, is that Britney Spears is considering moving to the UK to live with Birmingham-born snapper Adnan Ghalib. She will swap Hollywood for a temperate marine climate, canals, trips to the Bull Ring and bisons…
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Victoria Beckham Has It In The Marc Jacobs Bag
VICTORIA Beckham is wearing a hat.
The Mirror’s Beckham hat correspondent (US West Coast) notes also the lace-trimmed sunglasses?
But the hat is all. Small and black, the shape revisits those miniature wind turbines seen on remote American farms in the Dust Bowel era.
The hat, made by one Marc Jacobs, might be an antenna, picking up messages. Like the Tellytubbies, notes the paper. Dipsy. Tinky Winky. Laa-Laa. Po-faced.
The Anorak prefers this picture of Her Poshness. It is a look many believe she should make her own, her signature.
Soon everyone will be doing The Posh, toffs and Hooray Henriettas falling over in Chinawhites, the Embassy club and footballer’s stag dos, tumbling into their gigantic handbags, lost forever among the detritus of life…
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Tom Crusie ‘Was Definitely Homophobic’
“TOM Cruise Bio Blasts Gay Myths,” comes the report.
Andrew Morton has written abook about Tom Cruise. The tome alleges the actor was an “insatiable womaniser” during high school. As noted: “The actor has been hounded throughout his career by rumours he is gay.”
Morton’s work features an interviw with Cruise’s ex-lover Melissa Gilbert. Says she: “I can honestly say he’s a very sexual person. There was a lot of making out on the couch in my mom’s living room.”
‘Nuff said. Straight as they come. Let there be not another word said about it.
“A date who accompanied Cruise to a production of La Cage Aux Folles tells Morton: ‘Men dressed as women, he couldn’t handle it. We had to leave before the intermission. It really bothered him. He was definitely homophobic.'”
That’s how straight Tom Cruise is. Not gay. And nothing to hide nor be fearful of.
No more rumours. Pah! Forget it…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
Roger Allam Is A Prisoner Of Birth For Jeffrey Archer
WRITES Jeffrey Archer on his blog:
“I was thrilled to hear today from my publishers, that the Olivier Award-winning actor Roger Allam has agreed to record the audio version of A Prisoner of Birth…His credits in film, television and theatre – particularly at the National – are impressive, and I am much looking forward to hearing the final version”
Roger Allam has starred in:
A Class Apart, Spooks, V For Vendetta, Inspector Morse, and…. A Cock And Bull Story
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
He’s Joaquin Phoenix Joaqin With his Name
THE Writers’ strike in the USA. And Joaquin Phoenix has won an award. He’s making a stand. Is this real. Or is he “Joaquin” *
http://view.break.com/431329 – Watch more free videos
* Only Joking…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
The Daily Nail Looks At Sex And The City’s Kim Cattrall
THE Mail’s ‘Ugly Women’ series continues with a study of Kim Cattrall’s legs.
“Just a slight wobble: her thigh,” says the caption to one picture of the Sex And The City actress.
Cattrall wears a pair of generous Comfi-bikini pants and a shirt. “Even so,” notes the Mail, “a little cellulite was visible on her once-smooth thighs, particularly as she ran down Malibu beach”. Look. See?
The Mail has no multi-media facility, and readers are encouraged to recapture the Cattrall moment by slapping their own thighs or else pushing their Daily Mail into a serving on blancmange…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jamie Oliver’s Horse Power
CAN Jamie Oliver speak French?
We ask in light of the Mail’s lead news story that 84 horses, ponies and donkeys have been “SAVED FROM THE DINNER TABLE”.
The Mail says it is a “disturbing trade”.
Meat traders Jamie Gray [no relation] was, as reported, planning to sell the livestock to French butchers. But officers from the RSPCA, the International League for the Protection of Horses, the police and vets have arrested Gray and rescued the animals.
So the French go hungry. But will they mind? The other news is that the animal were “pitiful” and in “disgusting condition”. They were battery horses.
Look out for Jamie’s expose into how horses should be free range and organic, looking on as he slaughters Poleta Boy before a live studio audience…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Britney Spears Is The News
A LOOK at Britney Spears in the newsagents…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Robbie Williams, You Require Phil Taylor
OLD rock stars never die. Pickled by a process of drink, drugs and Californian prune juice they take up new pursuits.
Keith Richards enjoys snooker. The former Rolling Stone Billy Wyman has a branded metal detecting kit. It was Bill who told us: “When I’m detecting I really enjoy the peace and quiet of being out in the fields; the fresh air, hearing the birds sing and all the exercise.”
Metal detecting may well be answer, especially if you’re an old rocker hankering for the glory day when your post-gig ears were whistling for days on end.
And today the Sun brings news that Robbie Williams has a passion for darts.
Viewers of the Lakeside world darts championship will have noticed that dartist-turned–pundit Bobby George is wearing a headset microphone (no, it’s not a drip). Music fans will recall a similar device sported by singer Bobby Brown and Williams on stage.
Williams’ desire to take on Phil “The Power” Taylor in a pro-celebrity darts-off may well be natural progression of this meeting of pop music and arrows.
Although, we suspect something else: far away from home in La La land, Williams lusts for the flavour of home. He wants to display his Britishness, say things like “tickedyboo” and coat all meats in a brown sauce.
Says LA’s Ozzy Osbourne in the Sun: “I f*****g love Yorkshire Gold [tea]…I never thought I’d see the day when I’d get excited over a cup of f*****g tea.”
If Taylor does accept the offer, he may well up as just another Los Angeles curiosity, like “major” Victoria Beckham, John Cleese and bad teeth…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jennifer Lopez Talks To Harper’s Bazaar About Privacy
SAYS Jennifer Lopez of her husband Marc Anthony in Harper’s Bazaar magazine: “He made me realize you can be an artist, and have credibility and success, without your life being on public display.
“This is my experience and my husband’s experience, and we get to hold that for a little while.”
Without being on public display…
Pic of J-Lo making a massive arse of herself: Hack
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Are We To Blame For Britney?
ASKS the BBC website: “Are we all to blame for Britney?”
The question is asked by “Health reporter, BBC News”.
For more Britney health issues contact your GP… Or Dr Phil…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)
Kerry Katona Heads To The Hills
FINDING ways to add yet more appeal to Kerry Katona is no easy thing. But the Star says Kamp Kerry can hit upon a wheeze: get to her speak German.
Kerry has taken ownership of an Alsatian dog called Kai.
The Star has a picture of the hound snarling at a man dressed in a padded suit in manmade fibres. Given his fashion and position, he may well be the German trainer who “barks out” commands in German, the only language this dog, or indeed any other kind of large angry dog understands.
So say “Knob Off, Kerry” and “Guten Tag, Kerry”.
And with Kerry’s new linguistic skills will surely come great fame, either as the “New David Hasselhoff” or the star of Der Ton von Musik Zwei, in which the singer and her dog make sure their is only one celebrity act and her kids in town…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
