Celebrities Category
Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.
Ross Kemp’s Hard Words
ROSS Kemp is hard. He enjoys the company of hard men. The harder the better. Kemp most likely grades his male friends by Moh’s scale.
Today, Kemp, who played both a serving soldier and an ex-soldier on the telly, is using what he learnt in “action!” to fight the Taliban.
The Mirror says Ross has done “two stints with 1st Battalion The Royal Anglian Regiment”. Ross received no medals. But he did get some good pictures, his face on the telly and to meet hard men.
“Medals are important,” says Ross in the Mirror. He backs the Mirror’s campaign to equip all Afghanistan veterans with a medal, much like the one shown in which a British sniper is pictured crouching behind the “DAILY MIRROR” shield.
The medal is made of a hardened plastic…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Britney Spears In A Horse Pickle, And Her Latest Joke
SIMON Cowell is talking about Britney Spears, “exclusively to the Sun”.
And he considers the example set by Amy Winehouse, Britain’s Britney Spears, albeit with singing talent. Winehouse has been in the Caribbean.
Says Cowell: “That’s exactly what you have to do, take yourself out of the glare.”
It’s 85 degrees in the Caribbean. With sunglasses…
THE other Britney news is that the singer has been “babbling in a British accent since dating a Brummie photographer”. One Adnan Ghalib.
What influence has he had on Brit-nay Sperrz?
The Sun then hears an “insider” at the Cedars-Sinair medical facility tell us: “Every time we asked her how she felt she would start talking like a posh Englishwoman.”
Brummies may well puff out their chests in prroid. Posh? Mois yay.
And such a dialect is entirely suited to Her Spearness. As the BBC Brummie accent masterclass states: “The Birmingham accent hits one note – usually a low one – and sticks to it no matter what.”
See Birmingham’s Victoria Beckham…
That Britnay Sperz Brummie joke in full:
Q. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A: You can’t piss in a buffalo?
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Adrian Chiles’ Celebrity Postbag
SOMETIMES you can pass an entire week without hearing news of Richard Stilgoe.
But Adrian Chiles, writing in his Sun column, says Stilgoe has penned a tribute to The One Show. Chiles presents the show on BBC TV.
Writes Stilgoe: “This is a fan letter. I am not in the least surprised at the success of One Show. It’s friendly and not idiotic.”
Stay tuned for another dip into Chiles’ celebrity postbag next year…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Pete Doherty Is Greener Than Sting
“DOHERTY is greener than Sting,” says the Mirror.
How green is Sting? Why, not as green as Doherty, who is a deep sea green….
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Cop Out: Reg Hollis Is Cut From The Bill
“HORROR AT TV STUDIO,” screams the Sun’s front page. “BILL’S REG SLASHES WRISTS. Legends suicide bid after sacking.”
Will it help the Bill’s Reg to know that at the moment of his most desperate, when at his lowest ebb he is made known to millions by his on-screen name?
If PC Reg Hollis, sorry, Jeff Stewart, were worried about what life holds in store after being stripped of his uniform, he need fret no longer.
Reg survives, and with it his chance to appear sat on a bar stool in a pub waiting to be approached by fans.
“Evening all, Reg”, they say, offering to take down his particulars, and should Reg react unfavourably, falling headfirst down the stairs…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Naomi Campbell Interviews Hugo Chavez
NAOMI Campbell interviews Hugo Chavez for GQ magazine. It is the apogee of celebrity culture. Some key policy notes:
Chavez on the most stylish leader:
“Fidel, of course! His uniform is impeccable. His boots are polished, his beard is elegant.”
Chavez on Prince Charles:
“I like the Prince. Now he has Camilla, his new girl. She’s not as attractive, is she?”
“I found him to be fearless, but not threatening or unreasonable,” opines Naomi. “I hope Venezuela’s relations with America will improve in the immediate future.”
A Caracas newspaper once noted that Campbell was wearing a “revolutionary and exquisite white dress from the prestigious Fendi fashion house” when she first met Chavez…
Viva la revolution!
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Breaking Britney Spears News
BRITNEY Spears has… a flat tyre…
Updates on all major news networks…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
David Beckham’s Online Petition
DAVID Beckham looks at his wife Victoria and considers his three closest friends Gary Neville (footballer), Dave Gardner (agent) and Terry Byrne (manager) says: “They are the three that I would trust with my wife named.”
Help David to restore his faith in mankind by adding your name to our online petition..:
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)
Jamie Oliver’s Salt And Battery
SAY Jamie Oliver: “It is shocking that the people I work for did not turn up on the day. I do not know why… How dare they not? I am really upset.”
Jamie has hosted a televised dinner party in which the invited diners were shown clips of the kind of a chicken, not dissimilar to the one laid out before them, suffering in a battery farm and being killed.
Jamie is upset that Sainsbury’s who pay him £1million a year, did not attend. “We phoned on the day,” says Jamie. “And said, ’Can you not send anyone, even the poultry buyer?’ and no one came.”
Jamie may be surprised less that a Sainsbury’s worker decided not to support his latest campaign than that anyone should turn down a chance to be on the telly.
Jamie says the “the conditions under which standard eggs and chickens are reared are morally wrong”.
We should all take more care and more time to empathise with the chicken. We should perhaps invite the chicken to commit suicide or die doing something worthwhile, like waging the War on Terror or sacrificing themselves so that their chicks might live.
Indeed, Jamie Oliver commends to our attention the RSPCA’s Freedom –Food labelled chicken, to be eaten with Freedom Fries…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Lily Allen Quote Of the Day: School
LILY Allen quote of the day, as told to the Mirror: “I want to be living in an area that’s a good catchment for schools and that’s all I care about.”
Watch out for Celebrity Catchment Class coming to ITV very soon…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Britney Spears Gives It Some Lolly
BRITNEY Spears. Enough news? More news? Ok, try: “BRIT’S MILLION DOLLAR SCAM.”
The Daily Star leads with news that Britney Spears is “cashing in” on her meltdown by offering to sell photographs of her taken by her photographer friend, the Briton Adnan Ghalib.
Might it be that Britney Spears is self-aware, realising that if millions are to be made off her name, then she should cash in. After all, who has better access to Britney Spears than Britney Spears, her children included?
Immersed in the paparazzi pack, Spears has gone native.
One thing to clarify is how this amounts to a “scam”, a scheme for making money by dishonest means. The Sun says Ghalib’s photoagency is demanding “megabucks” for pictures of Britney wearing “next to nothing and sucking on a lollipop”. Photographs of this celebrity tableau have already “leaked” onto the web. No fakery. That really is a lolly.
The Anorak shall not be bidding for these snaps, able as it is to find many pictures of a near-nude Spears on the internet and confident that anyone who pays over the odds for stock pictures will end up holding the sticky end of Spear’s oral sweetener…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jordan’s Balancing Act
THE Jordan diet is proving to be as challenging as the women herself.
Having shed Pounds! Pounds! Pounds! by having her Jordans reduced from gargantuan to huge, the glamour model has now had her nose slimmed.
“A NEW NOSE FOR JORDAN,” trills the Mirror’s front-page. AFTER and BEFORE shots seem to prove the point that Jordan has shaved at least an ounce of weight off her already slender frame.
Of course it is all a matter of balance. Less the Mirror’s FOR and AGAINST column, as a Dr and tabloid writer give their verdicts on Jordan’s look, rather a matter of the laws of physics.
Jordan’s smaller breasts necessitate a smaller nose. It is no accident the new nose and reduced hair extensions (hair now brunette and lighter in dye) come after her pregnancy, when Jordan tummy vied to enter a room before Jordan bosom.
The tummy went. Then the bust. Now the bust is down and the nose follows.
Should Jordan develop love handles – and it is a big if – she will either have to push her hair into a bouffant perm, have her ears widened or have them merged to her bosom…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kerry Katona Is In The Celebrity Deep Freeze
KERRY Katona has been sent packing from her job as Iceland’s EveryMum.
Or to put it another way: “KERRY IS AXED BY ICELAND.” Or frozen out.
Fans will recall Kerry starring in an advert in the company of her children and a giant squirrel. The kids may have mistaken the rodent for dad, and Iceland eaters may well have wondered at the content of that frozen vol-au-vent.
Kerry looked to have it all. But the one thing missing was that Kerry, our Kerry, the face of supermarket ownbrand ketchup, never had a frozen readymeal, sauce or mat crust named after her.
Which is a shame, and something we hope does not come to haunt her in later life…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Mariah Cary And Jennifer Lopez: The Porcine Lady Sings: Correction
SINGER Mariah Carey was asked if she’d ever sing with Jennifer Lopez. Her reply: “I’d rather be on stage with a pig — a duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain’t going to happen.”
Pinky and Perky – and that’s just Carey…
UPDATE:
Says Carey: “This is just some Internet gossip and it’s pathetic that people actually entertain the thought that this could be real. This is another sad example of two strong women being pit against each other.”
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (9)
Perez Hilton Goes Mental For Britney Spears
CELEBRATING mental illness with celebrity wannabe Perez Hilton: “You guys really care about Britney Spears – a lot! Friday was the busiest day we’ve ever had on Perez Hilton.com. Over the course of 24 hours, we had over 10 million page views. 10,089,428 to be exact. That’s insane! Thanks, Britney.”
Imagine the web traffic if she dies!!! Although what he will write about on Day 2 is anyone’s guess. Maybe if she could have a lingering death, Perez would at least have time make plans.
Britney, you owe it to your fans…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comment
Lily Allen’s Thought For The Day: Texting
LILY Allen quote of the day: “I get upset about illiterate young people. Someone texted me in fucking text speak without any vowels, so I replied just in vowels.” Says the Mirror, in tabloid speak: “f***ing”…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Hunting Britney Spears With Dr Phil
“BRITNEY AND HER BRIT,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. “DRUG-BINGE STAR IN HIDING.”
In the Mirror: “TV SHRINK: BRITNEY NEEDS URGENT HELP – Father in tears at fears that troubled staar dusffer form bipolar illness.”
But not to worry. TV media Dr Phil is in. And he is listening. 14 has more:
Hollywood Predator is the only magazine devoted to the various predators living in Hollywood. Each issue is jam packed with educational features and stunning photos of common predatory species such as the Dr.
PhilFool, Paparazzi Wolves, and creepy “producers”. An excerpt from the latest issue:Lurking on the pristine streets of Beverly Hills is the most annoying predator known to celebrities: the paparazzi. They hunt incessantly for lucrative shots, even if it means scaling fences at daycares – or, most recently, following Britney Spears into an ambulance as she suffered a nervous breakdown and recklessly chasing down her two young sons, just so they could capture that “money shot” of their tear-stained faces looking out the car window.
But she is not alone. There is hope for her survial. And if Britney can be persuaded to mate with Amy Winehouse…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gordon’ Smart’s Victoria Beckham Snap
A PICTURE of a pair of sunglasses and the Sun’s warning that “YOU’LL NEED THESE FOR Bizarre”, the paper’s showbiz pages.
It’s not because Gordon Smart, the paper’s showbiz reporter is especially bright, nor that Amy Winehouse’s “notorious red bra” will render readers blind on sight, rather that Victoria Beckham is in a dress.
And not just any dress but a “nuclear-bright lime green dress”. One look at Her Poshness could irritate the eyes.
But it will not cause as much irritation as Smart’s claim that readers are looking at “my snaps of Victoria Beckham”. These are not his snaps, taken by him on his happy snapper as he prowls the world for celebrity news, or waits for the Beckhams’ agent to call. These are agency pictures, taken by the paparazzi and made available to anyone who wants to get one.
Admittedly, this may not irritate everyone. And I apologise. But irritations are personal. A survey of the Anorak typing pool reveals that 50 per cent of us are irritated by the phrase “At the end of the day…”, 25 per cent by GMTV and 15 per cent by surveys…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Paris Hilton’s Amazing Feet
TODAY’S Paris Hilton exclusive is in the Star, which reveals that Paris has “webbed feet”.
Anorak’s friend 14 shows how this look is sure to catch on…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Nicole Richie’s Spell Of Pregnancy
THE Star reports that Hollywood VIP Nicole Richie is a “Cry baby”. So “terrified” of childbirth is Richie that she is using a hypnotist to channel positive thoughts.
Odd indeed that when celebrities with what are called drugs histories give birth they opt for alternative pain relievers while the rest of womankind, and some of the men, scream for “DRUGS!”
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Russell Brand Ducks David Icke’s Paedophile “Father George Bush”
DAVID Icke is on Russell Brand’s BBC radio show. Says Icke, self-styled son of God: “He’s a notorious paedophile, father George Bush.”
David Icke is a former Coventry City goalkeeper and BBC sports presenter who’s convinced that Earth is run by “reptilian humanoids”.
Icke may have meant to say Father George Bush (apologies if there is such a priest, we mean to cast no aspersions), but the Star is adamant that its transcript is correct and Icke did not call the US President’s father a “notorious paedophile”.
When Icke offered to send Brand proof, the DJ replied: “Don’t send it on my computer.”
Indeed. Best not. Although look out for the Icke Defence being employed should a celebrity be caught in possession of illegal images, it replacing the “For Research Purposes” explanation…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Vanessa Hudgens Is In The Best Possible Taste
VANESSA Hudgens. No, we neither.
But now that a picture of a naked Vanessa Hudgens has emerged on the internet, the Star has heard of her.
She is a “beauty”. She is aged “19”. She features in “High School Musical”.
And even though a picture of a naked HUDGENS has somehow leaked onto the web, she WILL star in High School Musical 3, and should the job demand it High School Musical 4, 5, 6, 7 and sequel to Annie.
“It was traumatic and I am extremely upset it happened,” says HUDGENS. “I hope all my fans can learn from my mistakes.”
And should any or all of those fans be looking to make the perilous move from teen star to adult celebrity, they know what to do… in the best possible taste…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
How To Get Danielle Lloyd’s Body
DANIELLE Lloyd is on the Star’s front page. She is wearing a pair of knickers with “miow” (Japanese for ‘kick me) writ in diamante across the rear.
She is holding her breasts, which for added security are restrained within a black net.
You can look. But you cannot have. Danielle’s breasts are going nowhere. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Although Danielle appears concerned and would be well advised to have her chests personalised, perhaps autographed with the legend “Property Of Dani” or sprayed a signature orange.
“DANI – How to have my body in just 7 days,” says the front-page teaser/offers.
Want to know how you can have Danielle’s body? You can buy Danielle’s keep-fit DVD, stand in line at the surgery or become a professional footballer by next Monday…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Noticing Chris Langham And Paedophiles
SAYS actor Chris Langham – jailed and convicted of 15 charges of downloading indecent images of children from the internet: “If I was a paedophile someone would have noticed, surely?”
Anyone like to explain to him how paedophiles try not to be noticed..?
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities | Comments (6)
