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Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

Smoke And Mirrors: Big Brother’s Illegal Acts

BIG Brother 8 will have LOADSA shagging. Loadsa fighting. But not loadsa fagging.

As reported, Big Brother housemates who dare to light up a cigarette in the house will be hit with a £200 fine.

The law on smoking in enclosed public spaces is set to come into force in England on July 1 and Big Brother must comply.

Says a source: “The housemates will have to learn that if they light up in the house they won’t just get a ticking off from BB. It will hit them in the pocket.”

So from the promise of sex, Big Brother has a new way to turn viewers onto show – Tune in for live smoking.

Phwoaaaa!

Of course, if the contestants do smoke, Big Brother could be liable for a £2,500 fine, which makes us wonder if they will show it. Or only show smoking when the ratings are in need of a boost..?

Posted: 7th, May 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


New Shiny Special BB Titbits!

We are ramping up for the latest BB season and so there are some changes afoot !

Posted: 6th, May 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Channel 4 Profits Fall: More Big Brother

shilpa.jpgCOULD Channel 4 actually cram any more lowest-common-denominator reality TV shows into its schedule?

Well, according to the Telegraph, the once ground-breaking channel may be forced into producing even more cheap, money-spinning shows such as Big Brother after profits fell by over two-thirds in a year.

The broadcaster’s annual report revealed that despite seeing an increase in overall revenue, to £937 million, and increasing its overall audience share by over 10 per cent, loss of advertising revenue along with the apparent rising costs of programme making have hit the company hard.

Channel 4 chairman Luke Johnson is, not surprisingly, concerned. Says he: “Unless we receive some form of assistance we may be faced with a stark choice, either we will have to reduce our output of public-service programming and focus more of our schedule on commercial programmes, or see Channel 4’s finances continue to deteriorate.”

Expect to see Shilpa Shetty, Gordon Ramsey, Gillian McKeith and Sarah Beeny in a new naked celebrity cookery/makeover/property show in the coming months.

Posted: 2nd, May 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


More Breast Of Big Brother’s Danielle Lloyd

chantelle.jpgWITH one month to before the next Big Brother, Danielle Lloyd is tugging at the bikini elastic of her fame.

Danielle is surely aware that with a new batch of wannabes waiting in a holding bay in Belgium her fame is entering its thirteenth minute.

But before Danielle becomes the next Chantelle Houghton (who?), the Star wants to tell us about her “new op shock”.

The shock is not that Danielle arrived at hospital to find the official operating garment was a Stars And Stripes bikini (see Star cover), but that her breasts are to go under the knife one more time.

Dani has had new airbags fitted to her chest. And to make sure they don’t sag, fall off or start dispensing hot and cold beverages via each nipple, she is heading back to have them checked out.

As Anorak readers know, last time out Dani coordinated the removal of a pea-sized lump of gristle from one breast with a new breast fitting.

“There is no cancer scare,” says Dani. Star readers are relieved – and concerned that Dani does not go on to scotch rumours that she has leprosy, syphilis and any number of other diseases.

“I just want to make sure all the Daily Star readers know I’m okay,” says Dani thoughtfully.

But we have no proof. As the Star says, while the glue on her new breasts sets, she is unable to drive or work.

And with Big Brother starting in a month, we fear we may only have time to see Dani’s new chest once or twice before it is obscured behind so many new bosoms.

And arses…

Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother’s Forked Tongue

forked_20tongue.jpgWITH just one month to go until Big Brother 8 begins, the hunt is on to unearth the show’s agonists.

Having been turned on to gays and a boy with an Asbo, the Star now looks at the “freak show”.

Get a load of the “gay guy with a split tongue”. And that “butch cross-dresser”. And that blonde girl with the terrible teeth.

And someone with glasses who looks like he’s called Tim and works in IT.

These are some of the nutty nutcases in the final 100.

And there are more. There’s a lad who – get this – is “up for a scrap”. And a “girl boarder on the prowl for sex”.

For our entertainment, the lad had passes up the chance to brawl in a cavernous theme pub and the girl has put on hold her Gonorrhoea Or Bust tour of Faliraki.

Fame costs.

And on Big Brother you start paying…

Posted: 30th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Invades America And Paris (Hilton)

me.jpgBIG Brother’s bully in a bra, Danielle Lloyd, commandeers the Star’s front page to tell the world: “I’m off to conquer America.”

Rarely in the field of human endeavour has a proclamation of war been issued by a woman wearing a black bra and knickers – knickers on the point of being ingested by Dani’s rear armies.

But Danielle was always a mould breaker – B-cup, DD–cup, E-cup; there’s no pigeon-holing this one.

Inside the paper and Danielle reveals that she will conquer the United States with her, well, her conkers.

Says Dani: “I’m so excited, I can’t wait to conquer the States. I want to meet up again with Paris. I met her at the Bond premiere in London earlier this year and she was so sweet. She’s a really nice girl and we got on well.”

What odds that Danielle will soon be by Paris Hilton’s side, showing the Americans how when it comes to flashing privates in public, the British are the world’s foremost force.

But Dani’s ambitions are even greater. In this modern take on the Mouse That Roared, Dani’s full thrust aims high.

Says she: “It would be amazing to see my Hollywood idols like Cameron Diaz. She started out modelling and she’s now one of the best actresses in the world.”

Can Dani be the next Cameron Diaz?

“I’d really like to go into acting,” says she. “I’ve been offered a few small parts, some film roles, but I haven’t had time to look at the scripts properly yet.”

Dani in a film with a script… Who knew?

She adds: “When I’m less busy, I’ll get around to it.”

And Dani is busy. Danielle has a country to invade, 300 million people to tame and make bend to her will.

Venture forth, brave Dania. We’re right behind you – three thousand miles behind you. Goodbye! Goodbye? God speed!

Posted: 27th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Big Brother Gets An Asbo

gollum-chav2.jpgTHAT Big Brother should epitomise the world at large is a given.

And so we read on the Star’s front page of “BIG ASBO” and how this season’s show is to feature a “lawless teen yob with an Asbo”.

This 18-year-old, who might or might not be the same youth offering Star readers the use of his middle finger, has a history of shoplifting and abusing neighbours.

He should be a wow when it comes to stirring up trouble and nothing short of a sensation when it comes to the show’s shopping task.

Only enough money left for shiny loo rolls and desiccated coconut? No problem. This boy wonder will return with chocolate bars, a rack of navy blue trousers and the cash register from Mr Patel’s shop.

Hurrah!

Picture: Yorkshire Soul

Posted: 27th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Lily Allen Makes Victoria Beckham Smile With… (Picture)

lily2.jpgSAYS Lily Allen on Victoria Beckham in the Star (Pic: The Spine): “She never ever smiles.

It’s always the same expression with her lips stuck out as far as she can push them.

I’m going to put Vaseline on them to make her smile next time there’s a camera.

Then we can find out whatever it is she’s hiding in her mouth.”

What is in Vicky’s mouth?

Answers below…

Posted: 27th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)


Lily Allen’s Death Music For Princess Diana

lilyallen.jpgTHOSE of us not busy putting our heads in a bucket of sawdust and vanishing our genitals will be surely getting along to the Concert for Diana at the new Wembley Stadium.

The show that promises to be the last word in Funeral Rock already boasts a line sure to have the living empathising with the resting Diana.

The Queen of Hearts memorial gig will feature James Blunt, Sir Elton John, Duran Duran, Andrew Lloyd Webber and the English National ballet.

Death does not come any more compelling.

But now, as the Sun reports, the line up will be pebble-dashed by Lily Allen.

As the Sun notes, private-school educated Allen will “have to watch her language” is she is to appear before the royals.

Allen will surely have to learn to swear with more gusto if she is to keep up with the royals…

Posted: 26th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Mein Camp: Big Brother For White Supremacy And Gays

white.jpgBIG BROTHER is coming and viewers can expect a “KINKY LUST FEST”.

As ever, the run up to a new series of Big Brother is heralded with the threat of live sex.

Last series, the bigotry and bullying was a far bigger story than Jade Goody and her mute lover Jack Tweed’s night time emissions. Indeed, a straw poll of the Anorak offices reveals that the team would rather have seen petrol bombs thrown than Goody in a state of arousal.

Jackiey Budden’s nylon tea-bag swimsuit was more than enough for many to stand.

He’s A Big Brother

But still the promise/threat of loadsa shagging comes. And in a bid to up the chances of one contestant having sex with another on camera, the Star says seven housemates are bisexual.

Says an insider: “We want our eighth series to be full of camp fun and frolics.”

So it’s not just going to be boy-girl sex but gay sex and, possibly, a gay orgy.

“DOES BIG BROTHER NEED MORE GAY HOUSEMATES?” asks the Star. Readers are invited to give their answers via the phone, calling numbers for “Yes”, “No” and “I’m free”.

But no matter what you think, the Star says the show’s “bosses” have examined old footage and found gay and lesbian housemates to be the most entertaining.

Who knew, eh? Who knew that Danielle Lloyd, Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and even Shilpa Shetty were all lesbians? And what of George Galloway MP? You really cannot tell.

Readers are reminded of the shows former openly gay winners Brian Dowling and transsexual Nadia Almada.

Big Brother: White Supremacy

But surely the big question is not the sexual orientation of the housemates but their races?

The Star says this show may well feature “a Greek art student, an Asian teacher, a disabled woman and a gobby chav” – the foreign, the impaired and the poor.

With the Others in the main house, six other contestants will dress in white and enter a white room. The two agonists who can last longest in this “world of white” will go into the house proper.

The fear is these contestants will have learned from the last Big Brother show, find the white house to their liking and never want to leave…

Posted: 25th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Jade Goody Spills In Bottle Attack

jade-goody.jpgLIKE a spilled lamb korma on the mini-cab’s upholstery Jade Goody continues to leave her mark on the news.

Today Jade is on the cover of the Star. And, as ever, it is bad news. “JADE IN BOTTLE ATTACK HORROR,” says the headline. “Big Bro Bully’s bloody battle.”

The grim news is that Jade has been caught up in what the Star is calling a “horrific glassing attack”.

In a Camus-esque scene of cutting edges and anger, “the Big Brother bully watches in terror as a clubber lunged forward with a jagged broken bottle – and blood flowed from a six-inch wound.”

Has Jade been punctured? Those breasts don’t come cheap.

Thankfully, Jade is unhurt, at least physically. The mental scars may take little longer to heel, although there is every reason to expect that Jade does not dwell on such matters, or any matters.

Reading on, we learn the victim of this alleged assault is one Jerome Simeon, of boyband unspecified.

Journey with us to the VIP section of Sky club in Ware, Hertfordshire. All of Ware’s most notable notables are there – Mr Bun from the Baker’s, the man who can blow vodka out thought his tear ducts and one of Hertfordshire’s leading Dale Winton impersonators.

And now we are at St Albans’s Crown Court, listening in as Simeon gives evidence against one Zoe Sigorney, 28, a hairdresser. It is alleged that Sigorney did smash a beer bottle over Simeon’s head and then drag the broken remains across his face.

Sigorney claims to be the victim in a case of mistaken identity.

And here comes Jade to tell all. As Ian Wade, prosecuting tells the court: “She witnessed what happened and will give her account in her own style. We all know her life has gone through turmoil and knowing her as you do you will consider her evidence in that light.”

In other words, try not to hiss her every word and give Simeon a chance…

Posted: 24th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Shilpa Shetty Does Big Brother Again

shilpa-shetty.jpgSHILPA Shetty is going back inside the Big Brother house.

Or to put it another way: “SHILPA SHETTY – Bollywood Babe is to star in Oz Big Bruv” (Star).

Can it be that having been made battle-hardened by her time locked in the Big Brother compound with Jade Goody and her gang of ne’er-do-wells, Shilpa is now ready to face a nation of Jades?

Oh, come, come. We men and women of the world realise that the Australian image of rough-tough men playing sport in boob tubes and hot pants is out of touch with today’s modern smoothy-drinking, tea-total Australia.

But Shilpa may believe Britain exported its worst elements to Australia. If Jade was deemed good enough to remain in Blighty then what hellish beings await the reality TV star in the far-flung colonies?

But Shilpa is a game girl. And though many believed she’d rather lick Jade clean of curry sauce than revisit a Big Brother compound, she is primed and ready to go.

The show’s executive producer tells the Star that Shilpa’s presence as a special guest star will “liven up the show”. Says he: “You have to throw in a few hand grenades.”

Then run back out the door like Leo Sayer…

Posted: 23rd, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Danielle Lloyd Carries The Cross Of St George And St Bastille

danielle-lloyd-queen.jpgWHAT better way to wave the flag for St George than to put his mark on the front of Danielle Lloyd’s knickers?

A cross makes the spot for Dani. And what Star reader cannot help but feel the stirrings of patriot fervour as they set sight on Dani?

What is more, the “patriotic model” is backing the move to have St George’s Day made a Bank Holiday.

There was a time when the flag of St George looked lost to the bigots and racists but with Dani now fluttering it between her legs, it is being reclaimed for decency.

Says Dani in the Star: “I think national saints days are very important and should be celebrated.

“I’ll be celebrating with everyone today and I support the campaign for it to be a Bank Holiday just like France has Bastille Day.”

Indeed. If St Bastille, patron saint of French prison break-outs, can be celebrated with a day off from the rigours of the 35-hour French working week, then surely the English can have a day off for our foremost slayer of dragons.

All for one and one for all, cry for Dani, England and St George!

Posted: 23rd, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Peas And News – Big Brother Danielle Lloyd’s Op

boobjob3.jpg“BRAVE DANI GOES UNDER THE KNIFE,” announces the Star’s front page.

“I’m keeping my finger’s crossed it’ll be OK,” says Big Brother bully emeritus Danielle Lloyd.

In these trying times, we urge readers to put away their arcane ideas of Danielle being a charmless, blow-up-breasted bigot and concentrate on her essential humanity.

As reported earlier on these pages, Dani has found a pea-sized limp of non-cancerous tissue in one of her breasts. Now she is to have it treated. And doctors will also check on “two tiny moles”.

“I’m really nervous right now about the operation,” says Danielle,” wearing a leopard-print- bikini-styled surgical gown. “I’m just keeping my fingers crossed right now that everything is going to be OK.”

But Danielle should not worry. She should focus on her new post-op pea-free life. And to her new breasts.

Such are the miracles of modern surgery that while under the knife, Dani will have her breast implants updated.

This is not to make Dani yet more pneumatic but in response to “medical advice”. The Star says these news implants are “healthier”.

And, one imagines, much larger than a pea…

Posted: 19th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Jade Goody’s Double And Perez Hilton Invade

goody-hilton.jpgJADE GOODY is posing for a photograph with Perez Hilton.

Hilton, famed for his gossip website, is posing with Goody in London. This is Perez’s Postcard from London feature. And here he is posing with a typical Londoner.

Had we not known who Hilton was, Anorak could have mistaken him for one of Goody’s relatives – the build, the nose, the smile are all in the Goody mould.

There the couple go in the back of a rickshaw in typical Anglo-Indian fashion. Says Perez: “We had a lovely day getting to know Jade, who has her own plans of trying to conquer America – like David & Victoria Beckham and Jordan and Peter Andre.”

We can imagine the damage goody could cause arriving at New York brandishing a kebab and demanding that all kowtow to her.

But Perez has erred. In sidling up the Big Brother bigot, he has managed to associate himself with the one woman no-one else in showbiz wants to know. That’s quote a coup.

And even bigger news when at the same time Jade is meeting Hilton in the Star, the Sun shows her sitting in the back of a flat-back truck in Tobago.

With lover Jack and sons Bobby, Jade waits for help after a 33,000-volt pylon fell to the ground close to a pool where Bobby an his brother Freddie were playing.

It seems that a drink driver had hit a pylon. And this hours after a fire broke out near her holiday villa. Coincidence?

Whatever the reasons for this string of disasters, the area needs to be evacuated. And Jade can be seen sitting on the back of a truck waiting for a lift to safety.

Once more, we remind you, this is on the same say she is pictured with Perez Hilton in London.

Is this how Jade plans to conquer America, by stealth and with any Army of look-alikes at her command?

America – we have you surrounded…

Posted: 18th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (4)


Danielle Lloyd Pulls It Off

danielle-lloyd.jpg“DANI’S Knickers are down at Asda.”While its rivals lead with news of the horror in Virginia, the Star proves that whatever time it goes to print, it will always be topical.

And the timeless news is that Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s favourite Big Brother bully, is wearing a pair of white knickers and matching bra.

Danielle is an expert in such things. And readers cannot fail to notice that the model used to illustrate the Star’s other front-page news – “SNOW BY THIS FRIDAY” – lacks Dani’s innate talent.

Granted, this blonde’s red bikini top matches the bucket she is shovelling snow into, but with her knickers out of shot, readers are left guessing. There are models that can do tops. The are model that can do bottoms. But there are only a few that can carry off top and bottom. Little wonder Dani is so prized.

And so to the story. And news is that Star readers need only brandish a voucher to secure a 20% off deal on a cutting-edge Asda bras.

Readers will be refreshed to learn that such garments are not fashioned from carrier bags and recycled cardboard boxes but more traditional fabric.

And Danielle has one on. Says she: “I love the look of the bra, as it give me a fantastic cleavage.” Indeed, had Dani only known of the Asda bra earlier she might have forgone her breast augmentation operation.

She goes on: “It’s also designed to be as lightweight and flexible as possible, so half the time I don’t ever know I’m wearing it.”

Of course, half the time Danielle might not be wearing it, or anything. More news of that later…

Posted: 17th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)


Richard Gere And Shilpa Shetty Say ‘No Condom, No Sex’

richard_gere.jpg“NO condom, no sex,” Richard Gere tells an audience of truck drivers at an Aids awareness event in New Delhi.

“What about a hamster?” one fires back. “What do I get for cash?” asks a local man. “I got Raybans,” says another. “Best kwality.”

But Gere is unmoved. He has seen Shilpa Shetty arrive on the rostrum. Does she have a condom?

There is no time to know as Gere takes Shilpa in his arms and plants a series of kisses on her cheek. He kisses her hand.

“No condom, no sex,” chants the crowd. Gere stops short.

And the aftermath kicks in. Such is the way of these things that effigies must be burned.

Reuters hears calls for the actor and the Big Brother winner to die.

They have sullied Indian tradition.

“No condom, no sex.”

Says Shilpa of Gere: “I admit it went a little overboard but that was not the intention. He did not do anything obscene.”

Shilpa adds that she has spoken with Gere on the phone. “He apologised to me and told me to tell the media that he apologised.”

But all is mayhem. As the Hindustan Times reports, the “self-styled cultural cops of Shiv Sena” set out on a procession and torch an effigy of Shetty.

The right-wing Hindu nationalists group set about a burning effigy of Gere with sticks.

Shipa burns as once the effigy of Jade Goody lit up the Indian night sky like a volcano of hot curry sauce.

Says the report: “The Shiv Sainiks were raising slogans such as ‘Shilpa Shetty hosh mein aao’, ‘Hindustan ki sanskriti se khilwad band karo’ and ‘nari ka apman band karo.'”

“No codom, no sex.”

No quibbles…

Posted: 16th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Kerry Katona’s Dogs, Stags And Kids

kerry_mcfadden.jpgKERRY Katona is at Chester Zoo.

Forgoing Iceland, her favoured hang out, for so many lions and tigers, Katona is with her three daughters, Eenie, Meenie and Mo.

“Now, you don’t see Kerry Katona emerging from a tortoise shell every day of your life,” says OK!. And OK! is, as ever, right on the money. “But it was just one of the family’s exploits on a day trip to Chester zoo.”

Kerry is animal crackers at the zoo. And on the matter of furry creatures, she has this to say: “For him to compare having children to getting a dog are just cruel.” Kerry is making mention of how ex-husband Brian, father to the two eldest children, compared childhood and dog ownership.

Indeed, you can need a licence to own a dog. Although what with so many paraded and presented pedigree children with interesting names, OK! can resemble the Crufts dog show.

“I can’t believe Britain could be so callous and cruel,” says Kerry. “Our children were born out of love. I’m gutted he has dismissed it as a sham.”

Britain, who cheated on Kerry with a lap dancer on his stag night, says he and his beloved never even say each other on their wedding night.

Said Brian: “It wasn’t a real wedding. We were getting married to have a big party and get loads of money for it – and to appear showbiz. The day my marriage ended was on the stag night. That was the time I felt, this is not supposed to be.”

Kerry has moved on, thankfully, with a new daughter, a new man and new marriage photospread in OK!…

Posted: 12th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities, OK! | Comment (1)


Big Brother Jade Goody Wears A Wee Nappy On Her Face

jackiey.jpg“JADE‘S SICK WEE SECRET – Big Bro star’s face wiped clean with dirty nappies.”

Reports of Jade Good’s celebrity death have been greatly exaggerated and once more the bullying bigot is on the Star’s foremost page.

And news is that Jade’s complexion is as “smooth as a baby’s bum” thanks to her mum’s beauty regime.

When Jade was a tot, her Dennis Wise look-alike mum Jackiey was unable to afford “pricey” face creams”.

So “she buried her baby’s face in soaked nappies to keep her cheeks peachy”.

Says Jackiey: “Jade doesn’t like the idea of me telling people, but she’s got a nice complexion, hasn’t she? It’s because I used to put nappies on her face.”

We imagine at the time many passers by looking into the Goody pram or shopping trolley would have thought mum Jackiey had fallen into an easy trap. Lest it go unsaid, it is forgivable to confuse Jade’s ends, especially when what emerges from her orifices amounts to much the same thing.

But Jackiey says he had not erred. This was a deliberate ploy to make her Jade beautiful.

And it does not end there. What’s best for baby might not be best for mum. And Jackiey reveals her own adult beauty secret.

Says she: “I’ve been putting my own urine on my face since the age of 11. I get it really hot then put it on my face so it opens up the pores and sinks in.”

How Jackiey warms her skin tonic is not said and we do not rule out the use of hot curry sauce…

Posted: 12th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment (1)


Big Brother Becomes Big Sister

leawalker.jpg“SEX FACTOR – Shock new show on trannies who want to be Dani!”

The Star brings news of Channel 4’s new show Mr Miss World. And how “fella-in-a-frock” Gavin Beales wants to be just like…Danielle Lloyd.

Another day dawns and with it comes the quotidian chance for the Star to publish another Lloyd shot.

Today Danielle is wearing a white cotton bra top and some matching knickers. She is wet. She is either wet from rain or from sweating. We are not sure.

All we know is that a 41-year-old transvestite wants to look just like her. And he is achieving the look by way of sticky tape, silicone bra inserts, a wig and false lashes.

In a flash he is Leah. Not Lea Walker, the horror show from last season’s Big Brother, but Leah, the he-girl who is so much like Danielle Lloyd.

Only whiter…

Posted: 11th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


“Big Brother Was Fixed”

nick-bateman.jpgBIG Brother is fixed.

After days of trying to keep Big Brother in the public eye, the Star has stumbled upon a story.

It hears from a “top Big Brother executive”. And they’re saying: “Yes, we did fix the show.”

The Stars equips the news with shots of Jade ‘Hoodie’ Goody and Pete ‘W***ers’ Bennett, who won last summer’s Big Brother.

Says BB chief “Tim Hincks”: “We did try to fix something once. In Big Brother 1…”

What’s this? The Star’s headline is about the first ever show? And the news is that the producers wanted someone in show to calm things down. So they introduced ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman.

Bateman, of course, went on to achieve no little fame, his star reaching its apogee with the publication of the book How To Be A Right B*st*rd.

“Big Bruv a big con,” says the Star’s voice. It says the Big Brother producers are “up to their necks in fixes”.

And in “BIG BRO: YES..IT’S A FIX”, the paper highlights the “10 dodgiest moments that ‘conned ‘BB viewers.”

There is mention made of Makosi Musambasi (supplied by a talent agency), Antony Hutton (gay kiss edited out), Jade’s grooming before eviction and Golden Ticker winner Snoozie Verrico.

It is litany of injustices. And we must thank the Star for shining a light upon it.

While other papers wavered and focused on house prices, soap operas or else stuck to the mantra “if it bleeds it leads”, the Star has resolutely stayed loyal to Big Brother.

And now is not the time to give up. We urge the Star to keep on going. This story could run and run and run…

Posted: 5th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Jade Goody Is The Real Princess Diana

princess-diana-wedding.jpgLAYDEES and gentlemen, please be upstanding for Jade Goody, “The Princess Diana of Reality TV.”

Of course, this is not as “bizarre” as the Star claims. Diana was the celebrity princess without parallel, the women who told us about her life under surveillance in the nation’s famous houses.

Diana was the star, the ordinary gel done good – Diana was a kindergarten teacher when Prince Charles came calling; Jade worked as a dental nurse. Jade is blonde, so too Diana. Both women speak in strange accents.

We could go on to list more similarities. We could mention Jade’s two sons, her estrangement from the children’s father, her mawkish appearance on the telly and how both women have lived in homes that belong to the state. Both women are less than academic.

Jade has been photographed not wearing a seat belt in a car. Alas, so too Diana.

But we pause there to listen to Jade address a 500-strong audience massed at the South Bank Centre, London’s brutalist arts complex.

The debate is “Reality TV: The New Reality?” and the star turn is Jade. She tells the crowd: “I’ve never looked on myself as a celebrity…I’m famous for nothing. I don’t have talent.”

We remind our readers that this is not Diana speaking but Jade Goody. And she has more to say. Jade talks of her time in the compound: “I controlled myself in the house. There was no one pulling strings.”

What of those tales of heavy editing, how the likes of Danielle Lloyd (boo) and Jo O’Meara (hiss) were made to look worse?

Is this Jade repaying the show’s producers for allowing her to leave the show without crowds baying for her blood? “They didn’t fix my mouth,” says Jade. “I said those things. It was me.”

And then: “They could have cut it out but why should they? It’s reality TV.”

Quite so. Everything is up as a form of entertainment, whether it’s Jade and her gang bullying an Indian woman, Jade’s funeral, Jade’s TV interview with Martin Bashir…

Posted: 4th, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comment


Big Brother Storm In A Big C-Cup

danielle-lloyd.jpgBIG Brother Danielle Lloyd is in “BIG C HELL”.

The Big C stands not for Cellulite but Cancer. And for the first time ever Danielle is telling the world about her “ordeal”.

“It was the most terrifying time of my life,” says the Big Brother veteran. “I just thought, ‘Oh my God, I’ve got cancer.”

So scared was Danielle that all her clothes fell off. Luckily she was wearing a clean pair of knickers and a matching bra.  

It was just after her breast augmentation procedure that a lump was found.

Had the surgeon left a rubber glove in Danielle’s chest, a cotton wool pad, an Oxo cube? Was it just a piece of fatty tissue? Or did Danielle have cancer?

“It was a nightmare,” says Danielle. “I was worried about it constantly.”

One of Danielle’s breasts was punctured. Danielle felt deflated as a biopsy was taken.

She waited. And then the results became known. And Danielle was given the all clear.

Danielle says the lump is still in her chest.

If the Star would only grab the nettle of innovation and publish in glorious grope-and-sniff its readers could investigate Danielle for themselves.

Instead, those who want to know how Danielle feels are reduced to filling a pop sock with one part chicken breast to two parts buffalo mozzarella and adding a hard pea.

For added authenticity, Anorak recommends an orange sock and inviting a crowd to watch…

Posted: 3rd, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Save Jade Goody

jade-goody.jpgJADE Goody, star of pro-am Big Brother, has no money.

“SHAMED JADE: I’M SKINT,” says the Star’s front-page headline.

The sorry truth is that since her showing on Big Brother, Goody has not received a single offer of work.

Over the page, in “JADE’S A BROKEN WOMAN”, readers learn that Jade’s career is in meltdown.

“There‘s nothing coming in – all the work’s dried up,” says Jade. “I’m living of my savings. I haven’t got any work lined up, no TV work.”

As Britain’s foremost village idiot, Jade earned a reported £650,000 a year. She charged £30,000 for a personal appearance. She was to buy a £1.4million house. But now she may have to change her plans.

Self-awareness and visible signs of intelligence would always be Jade’s undoing?

Now Jade – poor Jade – has just £2million left in the bank.

Such is the price of property in Essex that Jade may have to get herself a Mock Tudor studio flat.

It’s a good job she saved her money, and wasn’t as stupid as she looks.

But we have no interest in seeing reality TV stars forced into the less glamorous side of reality. And we urge the programme makers and broadcaster to find a new vehicle for Goody and others who have been pinched by the reality hand that fed them.

Surely there is some as-yet-undiscovered corner of the TV planet that Goody can be sent to for our entertainment?

Posted: 2nd, April 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (2)


Call Me Dani – Big Brother Danielle Lloyd’s New Book

danielle-lloyd.jpgBIG Brother bully Danielle Lloyd is back on the Star’s front page.

With the weather warming up, Danielle wears only a pair of white bikini briefs. To avoid accusations of looking cheap or in any way slutty, Danielle employs her elbows to cover her nipples.

But she may feel like throwing her arms in the air at the news that publishers are “battling” to give her £1million for her life’s story.

Surely, say you, all the book company need do to relay the life and times of Danielle Lloyd is to stick a hard back cover on the Star.

But there is so much more to writing a book that cobbling together old quotes, file photos and advertorial. Really. A book needs care. A book needs nurturing.

Indeed, it is a pity that Danielle is no longer on Wagging terms with footballer Teddy Sheringham. As readers know, Teddy has produced an autobiography.

Teddy could have used what he learned from writing ‘Teddy’ to help Dani with plotting and pacing. Take off her top too early in the narrative and Dani risk’s losing her audience for the fuller dressed parts. By all means begin with a bang, but then pace yourself for the final flash of glory.

But even without Teddy’s input, the book will be a winner. The book will tell us what she really thinks of Shilpa Shetty and how Teddy “measures up in bed against other stars”.

As a source close to Danielle tells us: “It will be a red-hot page-turner – full of steamy details about Dani’s love-life and late-night dreams.”

As we say, stick a piece of cardboard around the Star (35p) and job done…

Posted: 30th, March 2007 | In: Celebrities | Comments (3)